Stress.

So today I have my first exam.
It's the first of the two resits I'm taking, today's being the Drama written exam. I thought I'd done well on it last time seeing as I hadn't been in college for 6months, but apparently not, as I got an E for the written bit which, thanks to my 79/80 A grade on the practical bit, was bumped overall down to a C. At the time I was distraught, but now I can see that even sitting the exam was an achievement in itself, and the C isn't the worst thing in the world.
I agreed to have another crack at it, and so I am. Today. I'm not feeling too confident about it, mainly because the bulk of revision I have been able to do has been for me English Literature exam, which is much more important to me. However, if I can pull off a slight grade raise I might be able to get my overall AS grade for Drama up to a B, but we'll just have to see.

The main source of my stress is more that it's Friday.
Which means tomorrow is Saturday. Which means I'm driving to London.
Which means it's nearly Monday. Which means my sister is coming home.
Which means it's nearly Wednesday. Which is when we're planning telling her all the amazing (read: shit) stuff that's happened while she's been away.

Any of you who have been following me for a fair while will know of this predicament. My sister went to Australia to study for her PHD, and while she was away, shit happened. I made the choice not to tell her, because I knew if we told her she'd be on the first plane home, and I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't ruin her opportunity like that.
So when she comes home, we have to tell her.
So obviously right now I'm an utter bag of nerves.

The plus side is that by being Friday today, it means the iPad will be here in a week XD but then so will my politics resit :/

Ah well. Smile :)

H.x

Future forwards.

Come September it'll be time for me to go back to college full time, with people and everything, and I'm a little scared.
Was talking to dad about college today and feel a bit calmer in terms of exams. I've got my English Lit AS exam and 2 other AS resits (drama & politics) coming up in just under a month. I'm resitting those two because, due to my personal circumstances, obvs, I fucked them up last time and ended up with a C and D respectively, despite having nearly full marks on the drama practical performance. I'm going to focus more on the English exam but will obviously give the others a good go. The more I think about it the less terrible a C at AD seems, besides, Uni's don't really pay attention to the AS, just the full A level.
In the end, I'll carry on English Lit and Politics to A2: English because it's my subject, and Politics because I should be able to get the D up easier than in drama. There's no way I could cope with drama unfortunately. My third full A Level will be completed by way of a fast track course or evening class... Just got to decide what subject though!
At the end of the next academic year, eg 2011, the aim is to end up with my 3 full A Levels at AAB or ABB, which should be good enough for the Uni's I want... which is something else I know nothing about right now...

Tomorrow.

Sofa shopping at DFS, apparently. Our sofa's are shit. They've basically broken so they are so uncomfortable to sit in. And don't get me started on the armchairs.

Then after that, weather permitting, dad and I will finally get to go Woodbury Common and spend some time trying out our new camera's. Then I'll come home and see what my (hopefully) decent photos look like on the Macbook Pro :)

I'm sure there was something else I was going to do tomorrow that was marginally exciting, but can't for the life of me remember what now. Hmm. My brother is coming round for lunch... I doubt that was it :P Ah well. Shit happens.

Gamezzzbox

Sweet. Games are on their way. Gears of War 2 is technically already here, but as I was in hospital when they tried to deliver it and it's recorded delivery, I'll have to wait til Monday. Just Cause, Dark Sector, Assassin's Creed and Far Cry 2 have apparently all be dispatched. I know, the games are old, but I've completed AC2, and can't afford JC2. Besides, I'm clearly old school. Only ones that haven't heard of dispatch on are Dead Space and Mirror's Edge. Actually, I find it quite funny that I've already got loads of games, and with these too... I blatently don't have the time to play them. Ah well. I'll muddle along, ever so slowly.

H.x

"And it was all mellow."

Today has been a big day for me in many respects. Well, one mainly.
As some of you may know, over the last year I have become virtually a recluse. A friendless, jobless, meaningless slob. It's only in the last 3 months or so that I have finally been able to pick my self up a little and try and move on with what's left of me life.
My friends ditched me because they were fed up of being friends with a depressed rape victim, basically.
The one friend that did stick around then proceeded to fall in love with me, then break my heart, and then get shitty with me when I couldn't deal with seeing her ever again. (She has since resurfaced once more, saying she'll come round next week. I'm contemplating letting her and trying to talk.)
I dropped out of college, failed my exams, and lost touch with pretty much everyone in my tutor group who I had come to love.

Well... the other week I got invited to go and watch the A2 performance element of two such people at my old college. My first instinct was to say no; I'm not comfortable with groups of more than 5 people, and going back to that theatre where I kicked ass in my AS performance might have been too much for me, not to mention the fact that there would be people there who hate me.
But then I thought again. Here is my chance, I said to myself, to continue on the path called 'moving on', a chance to get back out into the real world.
So I accepted.
True, in all honesty I thought I'd probaby bail closer to the time, but I said yes.
But then the part of me that reminded me this was a chance told me I was NOT going to back out. So I went.
This evening at 5.30pm I entered the building where I had made friends who I then lost, acted my arse of on stage, and brielfy was happy. The first person I saw there was... How do I put this... My arch enemy? The second most hated person in my past? Well, however you want to put it, she was there. I held me head high. Actually I went and sat down with a book and a glass of water as the show didn't start for half an hour, but mentally, that was a head held high.
Then yet more people arrived who I wasn't comfortable seeing, but I steeled myself as best I could.
I entered the theatre just behind them and took seat far away from them. At one point I saw that she turned round to get a good look at fat lonely old me, but I just kept my eyes on the stage.
The performance was great, it really was. And strangely enough, the emotions I expected to feel around it weren't there. I expected to feel sad, and a sense of loss. By rights I should have been on that stage again too, for my A Level in Drama. I expected to miss the acting. Once upon a time I wanted to spend my whole life being someone else on a stage. Part of me still does, but I didn't feel it tonight. Instead, I smiled, and laughed, and grieved only a little.
Afterwards, I had to practically sprint to the toilet as part of the diet I'm on involved keeping very well hydrated, which then consequently leads to peeing all the live long day.
After that though, I saw my parents had arrived for a lift home. I'd said I was going to stick around after to talk to the two people I came to see, and even though here was an opportunity to flee and say "well, I managed to watch the play, that's good enough" I didn't take it. I stayed and waited.
I watched was one of the girls came out of the dressing room and went to see her friends, also where she was stood. And then she saw me. The group of girls basically averted their gaze, which made me chuckle. They can't bear to see someone happy to see me! And she was! She ran over to me squealing and hugged me, said how pleased she was to see me. I proceeded to tell her how well she'd done, she thanked me, and then we chatted a little about what I'd already mentioned to her about going to see Lady GaGa. I felt relieved. She hadn't blanked me because the others were there, and she didn't try to get away after a minute of talking. Eventually she had to go, but said we'd definately sort something for Lady GaGa.
And then the second girl came out of the dressing room. She had spotted me in the audience when she sat down because she wasn't in the final play at all, and did a double take. Entirely understandable. But she too ran up to me and hugged me. She knew more of how difficult it was for me to be there, and she seemed genuinely happy I had made it. True, it was slightly awkward, it's the first time I've seen her since she told me she'd seen my trial in the paper and I figured that must mean she'd know I'm gay, and then she told me she'd known for a while anywhere but she didn't care. Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe not. But she did seem happy to see me. She told me we must meet up sometime soon, and I told her that I was hoping that in a couple of month before they all fly off to Uni I'll come and see my old tutor group. I so want to seem them all again.

I then came home, and sat reading through all my old texts. Honest to god, not just because I'm a sad old soul, but because I'm a text fiend and have to take screenshots of all my texts so I don't lose them when I wipe my phone so it'll work with the new sim.

As I sat there, I suddenly became aware I wasn't just reading text messages; I was reading my past life. A life that was far from perfect, but was taken from me. And there are things I want back.
I want some of those friendships back. Not all of them by any means, not the damaging ones, but there are some people that when I think of them, and how things were before, my heart breaks a little bit more.
And so I made a decision.
I will text or email both of the girls I saw tonight, and thank them for inviting me, and for being so kind. I shall then ask them both for coffee sometime next week when they are free. I shall then tell them where the fuck I dissappeared to this time last year. I know that in reality I don't owe anyone shit all, but I'm the kind of person who believes that actions need to be explained to the important people in your life. So I will fill in the numerous blanks, and erase the various misconceptions surrounding my life.
I've already found myself half rehearsing what to say to them, in typical me style.
It is something I feel I have to do.
I will then make good on my idea to pick another two friends up from college, drive them home to Dawlish, and hang out with them for a few hours, filling in said blanks and said misconceptions once more.

I feel that mellow, and calm, that comes over me in the moment I take action toward living once more.

The only situation I am still undecided on is the one with L. As I mentioned at the start of his soliloquy, she has recently sent me yet another messge to the effect of "Are you around on X day? If not I'm coming round in the week anyway." I can't honestly see how she hasn't got the message that I don't want to see her anymore. But now I'm wondering if I should see her. Again, reading those text messages has confused everything in my head. She told me that she realized she'd had feelings for me for quite a while, and armed with that knowledge, some texts do make more sense. But am I just imagining things? I know that after all the shit we've been through that a relationship would never work, but what I want to know is, is it wrong to still wish we could? I mean, there was a real chance for us at one point, and she just threw it away. So why can't I just let go? Why does the fact that she's so obviously moved on, so much so that she's now LIVING with her new boyfriend (not the guy I was ditched for even) make me so angry? I mean, she told me that we'd obviously never work because she was ''more than likely'' moving away, but now she's living loved up with some other randomer? The more I think about her, the more I realise that despite all the shit she told me about herself, I really didn't know her.
And what hurts the most? The fact that I wonder now if all those shit friends were right.
I have always considered myself a good judge of character, but they didn't like her from day one. Did I choose to like her to spite them? Were they really right? Are they better judges of character than I? Very little saddens me more than that thought.

So here I ask for advice; what should I do?

H.x

March.

Is it March yet?
My bag should be ready, the Fuji S2500HD will be out, my second GBM and Otterbox Defender iPhone case (courtesy of Alex Dixon, thank you dear) will be here, the 3 Pokemon games from Hong Kong should be here, I'll be on pay&go on the iPhone so saving money, and the uk pricings for the iPad should be revealed.
So hurry up and be next month already!

Australia wantings - the leather bag.

Ok so I made a list of all the things I want for Oz, and despite all my plans (which I still haven't posted yet) I now can't stop myself from looking into things in more detail as if I have all the money in the world.

Most importantly, the bag. The Saddleback Leather Company's Dark Tobacco Briefcase, to be more precise. There are reviews here and here, and despite the drawbacks, I've fallen in love. Check out the Saddleback Leather Company site to bask in the full leathery glory, but this is the one I've fallen in love with:


The pictures on the first link of the interior show just the kind of thing I'd be using it for.
But yes, the drawbacks are the price and the weight. Part of me thinks that $530/roughly£320, while steep anyway, might actually indeed be a fair price for something of apparent quality and durability, that will last, that I can consider as more of an investment... but then I think of the weight. The size I like weighs 6.5lbs with nothing in it! Can I physically even carry that? And with things in? As I grow up will I become strong enough to carry it?!?
But it's SOOOOOOO gorgeous, and although some of the pockets might not be 100% what I had in mind, they're 90% there. Another option would be to actually buy some thinner, lighter leather and make one myself, but I wouldn't really have a clue what I'm doing.
When it looks THAT gorgeous, can you blame me for wanting one? I could always sell a kidney I suppose...

And as for the travel journal and stationary... As I say, the trip is 6 months away, and I have vastly more important thins to be thinking about between now and then, but did you really think that logic was going to stop me from looking? No, of course not. So I did. The notebook I thought would be perfect, isn't, and I have currently not found the perfect one

I know I'm just being typical stupid impatient me, but hell, I'm excited!!!

H.x

Australian wantings, now with pictures :)

So as you know, in 6 months time my parents and I are going to Australia to visit my sister and see the huge land mass :D
Almost as soon as the flights were booked, after being home less than 5 minutes, I was already diving into eBay and Amazon etc and my imagination was playing havoc with my empty wallet.

So basically, this is the list of all the things my tiny, tiny mind is telling me I would love to take to Australia with me :)

• Leather bag.
Seen some really nice ones online, I'm thinking over-the-shoulder, darkish leather, kind of rustic distressed look with room enough for all this other stuff. It needs to have lots of little pockets, but not too many. The perfect amount. Unfortunately, leather costs. Even more unfortunately, the bag in my mind clearly doesn't exist; unless you count the Saddleback Leather Briefcase, left, which costs about £350.

• Digital Camera.

Well my Casio Exilim EX-Z1080 10mpx camera is less than 6 months old and works a charm so I'm happy with that :) Love this bad boy. I'm no photography pro but this takes a sweet picture. Might need spare batteries and memory cards though.

• Laptop/netbook.

Of course, I already have a laptop. In fact, I own two. The three of us in total own 4 laptops between us so you wouldn't think it'd be a problem, right? Well, you're right and you're wrong. First off, size wise my MacBook is probably best suited to the journey, but as it's the older white MacBook it's not exactly feather-light. So weight wise, dads would be best suited, and in terms of price his is the cheapest too so if anything were to happen to it, it's the easiest to replace. However, my inclination, in a perfect world (and this is just my Australia Wanting remember), would be to buy a cheap, possibly second hand from eBay, basic netbook thing to take with us and then sell when we get back. But then we all sit and think, well, do we really need to take one at all? Mum says yes: she can barely go one week without checking her facebook let alone 7! So it requires thinking. Ouch.

• Polaroid camera - One600? SX-70?

Had a real craving for one of these for SO long now. There's something about the charm of those photos, and the simplicity of taking them. Plus, the photos are great for what I have in mind by way of a travel journal (more on that later.) Been looking at two models; the One600 which was the last mass produced Polaroid camera, therefore a bit more modern and sturdy/portable/less fragile, or; the SX-70, a very early model (not sure how early) that's apparently quite sought after but there's a few of on eBay.

• Polaroid PoGo.

Basically the modern reincarnation of the Polaroid cameras of old. Can't be bothered to link you but google it, it's amazing. Size of an iPhone, prints photos in 60seconds, doesn't use ink, (ZINK technology) and the films are self adhesive on the back, yet another advantage for my Aussy photo journalling needs. Around £100 new, Amazon marketplace has them for £22.51 :D especially appealling seeing as the technically superior Fujifilm Pivi is an £100+ import.

• Video camera.

Technically yes, I already have one, and though there's nothing wrong with it, it's so out of date already. I'd love to be able to capture Australia in all it's HD glory, rather than on the one I've got which is slightly grainy looking now. Sanyo VHC-FH1 HD looks good, and £350 on Amazon, but definately needs more looking into.

• iPod :)

OBVIOUSLY. Two lots of 12hr plane rides just to get down under, not to mention the other 6hr flights across Oz, the 2 day Ghan train and the same two 12hr flights home! Not that my parents are so boring I'm going to want to constantly drown them out, but y'know, fair's fair. Does mean I may possibly need to invest in some superior headphones, but in that long run that'd just seem a waste of money.

• Moblie phone.
Yes I have an iPhone, but no I won't be able to use it out there: A) I'll have upgraded to the 3GS by then and B) it'll only be a few months old so there's no way I'm jailbreaking it, and most importantly C) there is no way in HELL I'm paying O2's international roaming charges for 7weeks, especially not when I'll be texting mostly within Oz. We're going to buy Australian SIM cards over there, but obviously although mum and dad will be able to use their own phones fine, my iPhone and I will fail. Hence, I am also looking at Blackberry's on eBay. Plus I want a Blackberry as well as my iPhone anyway :P Specifically the Curve 8900, cos its hot :D

• And last but by no means least: Travel journal.
Some of you may know of my love of Moleskine notebooks and my general borderline-creepy love of all things stationary, but perhaps not of my love of the idea of photo journalling. I say the idea because as of yet my past attempts have ended up being rather neglected. There's an awesome blog at moleskine.vox by this guy who is a creative genius in my eyes when it comes to stationary and journalling. It's not even especially obvious, or even intentional perhaps, but to me there is something so innately and intrinsically cool and artistic about the perfect notebook and pens and such like. Even his handwriting is amazing to me. And he's SO organized! It makes me and my flittish, haphazard ways a little jealous actually. Anyway, partially from his own work and partially from a magazine he talked about and scanned in, I was inspired into trying again when I go to Australia. It'll be the perfect opportunity; sun, sea, sand, Aires Rock, Palm Beach, NEIGHBOURS :D. I can snap away on my digital camera at scenic sweeping outback, Polaroid pwn the Sydney Opera House, and then when we stop at a cafe for lunch or something, I can PoGo my pictures and stick it all in. I can cover the page with glue, grab a handful or sand and take some of the outback home with me. I can really keep track of this once in a lifetime opportunity (that I actually do hope to repeat but still, I'm more likely to keep on top of it on holiday with my parents than travelling with friends in years to come.) Napkins from restaurants will no doubt go in there, cards from hotels we stay at, etc etc. I really want to remember it. Of course, I'll have to be careful not to spend so much time travel journalling that I miss out on anything actually worth journalling. Same goes for filming, though mum seems to want me to film every minute of it.
Now, as any self respecting person will know (:P) the perfect journal needs the perfect pen. And glues. And pencils for sketches. And more pens in case the other pen runs out. And a perfect pencil case for all of the above. So for the next 6 months I will be on the hunt for my perfect travel journal and stationary. I can't wait :)

So that's my ideal Australia wish list, and at the moment it is very much a wish list; with me myself earning no money and anything my parents earn now basically going into the Oz trip, there are a hell of a lot of if's and but's. Firstly I'm going to try and get a job soon hopefully, if I can actually do it. If I cant yet, I suppose there's always my savings if I'm simply overcome with desire for some items, and I can pay myself back when I do get a job as it were. As I say; if's, but's and even a fair few maybe's in there too!
Plus, I've got plenty of shit I can sell.

So there you have it. One long, approximately £800 long list.

If anyone can help me out with any of the items in any way, do please let me know! :D

H.x

Get away.

Ok so Christmas is over, megasadface.

Had a lovely one this year, quiet without nan and my sister though. I know my sister wasn't home for Christmas last year either but then she'd only been gone about 3 months, and with this year having been so shit we definately missed her more. And without nan, well, it just felt odd.
But apart from missing who we didn't have we all had fun with who and what we did have. My presents were mainly Xbox games, which I am more than ok with. I've only had the Xbox less than a month and I've already got: Left for Dead, Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST, Fallout 3, FIFA 10, Borderlands, Resident Evil 5, Mass Effect, Crackdown, Prototype, Battlefield: Bad Company, Dragonage aaaaand Avatar :D. I've been playing FIFA 10 pretty much non-stop since I got it, none of the other games have even got a look in yet. My brother and I have already taken Exeter City to the FA Cup Final and beaten Tottenham 4-2, which we were mightily proud of.
As we should be.
Mum and dad also got me a genuine surprise in the form of an iPod docking stereo cd thingy, which I was planning on getting myself at some point, but bonus!
Then we saw Sherlock Holmes on Boxing Day, which was pretty damned good. Downy Jr did a fantastic job of Holmes, making him more, well, more like Sherlock Holmes where others have failed miserably. See it. And Avatar. That's IMMENSE.

And now, alas, lo and behold, etc etc, Christmas is over, and it's very nearly 2010.
The worst year of my life is nearly over.

Unsurprisingly, I am feeling a little nervous. As well as feeling excited that this year will soon be gone, in number if not in memory, I'm also apprehensive and mindful of the fact that it is of course the 'anniversary'.
Hence why, I didn't want to be in Exeter this time round. I wanted to get away, tell everything I know to fuck off for a little while, and be with my parents and say good riddance to bad news come the stroke of midnight.
So that's what we're doing.
Mum, dad and I are leaving tomorrow morning to go stay in a cottage in Looe for two or three days, and see the new year in there. The cottage is on a holiday 'campus' as it were with their own celebrations and stuff going on, as well as all the usual stuff going on down in Looe proper, which is only a mile from us.
All in all I'm looking forwards to it. We'll all take a few books, I'll have my iPod, and ta-dah!

So I'll say it now before the Internet gets clogged up at midnight on the 31st; Happy New Year everybody! May your next 365 days be good to you, and you to them.

H.x

Location:Home.

What now.

L's just texted me to say that she's taking her ex boyfriend to court for raping her years ago. 
Now I know this might sound harsh considering it happened to me too, but I really don't think this is the right decision. 
She saw what I went through for the trial, and how I was when the verdict came back not guilty. And my case had more evidence than hers. Although she hasn't told me specifics, I don't think there were any witnesses and as it was a while ago there'll be no medical evidence. 
She's also just said that she just gave another statement today and that the police officer said it was one of the worst cases he'd heard and he truly believed he'd be found guilty. For me that's a double edged sword. On the one hand, the police were so confident the whole way through my case that he'd be convicted, and he wasn't. But also, and this is because of something she said after the trial too, it makes me feel like what happened to me wasn't as bad as what happened to her. 
And she's not exactly sounding sensitive or thinking how I might be taking what she's saying. 
I don't know what to say or do. 
You think you know someone...right?

Bye nan.

So today was my nan's funeral.
It really was a lovely service. I'm not going to go into the specifics, but suffice to say we are all agreed that nan would have thought it was done well, as well as being disappointed that she didn't get the last word!
The vicar did the service wearing his white trainers, as instructed. He first met nan when he was a fairly new priest and wore white trainers when he visited, and she used to find it hilarious, so we asked him if he'd do the service in them.
I did cry a lot, I think it really did hit me that she's gone now when I saw the coffin. That small coffin. We always used to call her 'short stuff' and by the end she really was. Pretty much all of the immediate family started crying a bit harder when the vicar read out what my sister had written, partly because it was so funny and nan would have loved it, and partly because I think a lot of us realised how much we are missing my sister too, and thinking how hard it must be dealing with this on her own out there in Oz.
After the service we left and lots of people came out and I honestly didn't know who half of them were. There weren't masses of people there, as unfortunately most of nan's relatives have passed away by now, but I suppose that's what happens when you live to 85, you outlive a lot of people!
It really was a lovely service, sad enough to know it was a funeral, but with the right amount of humour and celebration of life that nan would have wanted.
She's being cremated, as she wanted, and her ashes will be scattered where her first husband's (her true love and father of her children) ashes were also scattered. That won't be for a few days yet. The crematorium is actually only 5 minutes from where we live, and the plot isn't hard to find, so I think I might spend some time there in the future, at least in the near future, if it's not too hard.
I really will miss you nan.
Seeing that coffin as we pulled up behind the hearse really hit home, and I started crying as I got out of the car. From then on I didn't really stop for about an hour.
I'll miss you nan, but I'll never stop loving. As my cousin wrote on the card that went with your flowers, "Gone, but never forgotten. Always in our hearts."
Love you and miss you.

In other news, I was texting L today after she said she hoped today went as well as possible and I let her know how it went, and she randomly said "I was thinking I never want our friendship to be ruined." When asked what she meant she just said "I just dont want to ruin our friendship by saying anything we shouldn't." So yeah, I'm not really sure what to make of that. I said we'd talk some other time as I really wasn't up to it today. When she told me she had feelings for me, I said I didn't want anything to ruin our friendship, and she basically said that us being together wouldn't, and now it seems as though she's changing tack. So I'm inclined to think she's ending it before it began, as it were. Funtimes. So glad. Not.

So once more my head is all of a muddle.
But I've got a driving lesson later today and then only one more before my driving test, so I'm going to try my hardest to concentrate on that. L's working til Sunday anyway so unless she pops round I doubt I'll see/talk to her much before then.

I just really wish things would sort themselves out for me.

H.x

Trying out altBlogger

Right well Blogpost app decided that it wouldn't post properly, so knowing that BlogWriter is shit and not having £5.99 to spend on the blog app I can't remember the name of now I thought I'd try this one out. Shame though cos I now can't see what I'm typing. Hmm.

Posted with altBlogger.

Funtimes.

I'd managed to block tomorrow out, but I've just remembered that tomorrow is nan's funeral. I'm obviously not looking forwards to it.
Still none the wiser as to the situation with L, though she has invited me to go see Top Gear live with her at the end of November :) We've said we'll go up on the Friday morning then catch a show that evening before seeing Top Gear on the Saturday evening. It'll be nice to go away with her for a couple of days and she seems to like the idea too so maybe it'll be good. As long as, in the meantime I can forget about the silly little things I'm worrying about lol.
So yeah, just a quick post today.
The good news is that most of my books have arrived today :) the only one that hasn't arrived is the one coming via Royal Mail, of course :)
Anyway, that is all.

Wish; take two.

For fucks sakes. I wrote all this out once then blogpost crashed on me and didn't save it, so I'm going to have to try and remember everything I fucking said!

EDIT: I think I've managed to remember everything if said the first time round, but it might all seem a bit jumbled, just for a change.

Basically, I'm sitting in bed wishing L would text me or call me.
She just doesn't seem to talk to me about anything.
I haven't got a clue what's going on with her brother, with her and P, or even between her and I for that matter.
I think she's worked out that I struggle to be around when she's on the phone to P, but it seems like that annoys her more than anything. I kind of get that, as from the off she said that nothing would ever happen between them, but it's still no walk in the park.
Things just seem so strained between us. There's things I want to ask and say, but don't want to because I don't want to fuck things up. It's killing me that my falling for her may well cause me to lose her. I told her I don't ever want to lose her when she told me how she felt, and she simply said I wouldn't. I just can't be so sure.
I was round hers for a bit earlier and things just seemed so much more...awkward. We laughed and joked but then seemed to run out of steam and gave up, just sat there. Then she asked if I'd been cutting again. I lied of course, but she knew anyway. She said at one point; "I really wish you wouldn't." One minute I think she doesn't feel anything anymore and then she says things that confuse me. Then she asked me why. I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I couldn't tell her that I did it because I don't know where my head is going, or even IF it's going. That the situation with her, or lack of one or whatever, is driving me to distraction. That I'm not dealing with the verdict as well as I thought, or with losing nan. I told her that things just got too much for me again, which while true, still felt like a lie. I can't work out how she feels about it either, obviously she doesn't like it but I don't know if she's angry.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, probably because, as I've said before, I find this therapeutic.
I'm not ashamed that I'm an ex-self harmer, though I suppose I should lose the 'ex' there, because my scars make ne who I am. It's peoples reactions that get to me the most. 'Emo', 'attention seeking' and so on. Ignorant stupid reactions, and if there's one thing I hate it's ignorance. People don't understand it, but think they've got it sussed. And they haven't. At all.
When I cut again, it was the first time for roughly a year. To be honest I think I've done well to last as long as I have, but now I'm scared the floodgates will open up again and I won't be able to stop doing it again.
I guess it's just another battle.
It's the not knowing that's killing me.
If she does still have feelings for me, and wants something, then great. If she doesn't, then I need to know. Maybe I'll be able to go away for a bit with someone and sort my head out, try and get rid of any feelings so I can still be friends with her. Because romantic feelings aside, she is my best friends. She has been my rock this past year I've known her, and I just can't face losing her. When all my other friends fucked off, she stayed. I feel like I'm letting her down. She says she realised she had feelings for me around the time of my birthday, and that she was pretty much 'in love' with me not long after. But I'm not the same person as I was then. Im vastly overweight, have zero conficence and I'm a complete mess. Then again, that was all true when she told me how she felt, and when I said that she said she didn't care, it didn't matter.
The other issue is whether she does move away. I know she hasn't been overly happy here in Exeter for a while now, and I think visiting her friend up in Essex has only heightened any desire to move away. I know she's been looking at jobs up there. I've just got this gut wrenching image of her moving to Essex with P and living happily ever after with him, leaving me here on my own again. If she does go, I really will be on my own. But I don't think she'd stay for me.
I just need to know what's going on.
It's H's 18th birthday do tomorrow evening, and while I know a lot of undesirables will be there I said I'd pop in for a drink or two. L said she'd come too and then maybe we'd go somewhere after for something to eat. Maybe we'll talk then. Maybe she'll suggest or ask me to stay at hers so we can talk some more there on our own. I just don't know.
All I know is that at the minute I feel like I'm going insane again, like I need to start my life from scratch, somewhere else, as someone else. But unfortunately that's not really an option. In a few years maybe it would be, but I need a way out NOW.
I just want things to clear up, or fuck off. I've had enough of this year, of most years to be honest, but this one really takes the biscuit. At the minute, I don't see a future for me. I can't see anything, no success, no happiness, nothing. Literally nothing. I can't see how I can have a future now. Nothing feels right. It hasn't for years. I need a new body, a new mind that works how it's supposed to, and new heart, a new life. I just hate how things are. To put it bluntly, I hate myself most of the time, and I know the saying goes "no one can love you til you love yourself", but I just don't really feel worth it. I don't know.
I keep wishing, praying sometimes even, every night before I go to bed; "please let this day be easier. Give me a personality transplant. Make me happy. Let me wake up and realise this is all a nightmare. Let me wake up, slim, healthy, happy, and loved. Loved by me. Give me some sanity."
And every day? Nothing.
I'm just tired, so tired, and right now I don't see a way out.

Apologies for being so doom and gloom.
And don't worry, this isn't some suicide note, I'm too much of a coward for that. I think there is still some small, hidden facet of hope somewhere in me, that tells me I'm not going anywhere, not yet, and not by my own hand.
So I'll still be here tomorrow, trying to figure out a way forwards.

Wish me luck won't you?
And wish my wish with me.

H.x

Too much.

Evening all.
Firstly I would like to say, before I get started on the meat of this post, a big thank you to all those people on Twitter who have been amazingly kind and supportive to me over the past month or so. It really hasn't been an easy time for me, but some of you in particular have been absolutely amazing.
I would also like to apologise to those same people on Twitter, and any other followers, who have had to put up with my erratic tweeting/moaning/general misery over said month. Once more, thank you.

So, it's been a while.
My last post was before the trial began, and also mentioned how L had said something that lead me to believe she had feelings for me.
First things first; the trial. It didn't exactly get off to a great start, thanks to the fuck-up that calls itself an 'organisation' (what a joke-as my auntie put it; "they couldn't organise a bunk up in a brothel) - the CPS. Long story short the trial either had to start from scratch with a new judge the next day, or wait until next fucking March; guess which option we went for? It was exhausting. Every day I geared myself up for the fact that I could be called any minute, and for the irate two days; nothing. I tell you, sitting around doing shit all in that environment really takes its toll. Eventually, on the Friday (when the trial was due to end, fat chance) I gave my evidence. I can't really explain how it felt, to have to stand up there and be cross examined. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, but I ended up in floods of tears. To stand up there, having to remember what happened that night, what he did to me, what he made me do to him, in front of everyone, and to be basically accused of lying by the defence barrister...there are no words. I felt...exposed. So entirely vulnerable, like my heart was being ripped out and my soul, my character, was out for all to see and examine. I practically broke down at one point. I'd been told I could stop at any point for a break, but I knew that if I left that room I wouldn't want to go back in. So I stood my ground, and told my side. At times I felt anger; anger that I had to remember that night, anger at the things this woman (the defence barrister) was implying, anger at the man who I thankfully couldn't see but knew was standing so close. Fury, at times, threatened to overwhelm me, but I knew I could not break, would not break. Besides the fact that getting angry and 'smart' with the defence wouldn't help at all, I just knew I could not let myself be broken like that. So instead, I spoke through gritted teeth when needed and through tears when I couldn't fight them anymore. When it was over, and I was dismissed, I felt drained. I cried and cried and cried. My SOLO, R, who was nothing short of amazing, a rock to me, throughout, had been allowed to sit behind me while I spoke, so was instantly on hand to get me out of there. We left and my parents enveloped me. We all cried. Then the court broke for a short while, and after that, L was up to give her evidence. I was outside having a cigarette and she came out 5minutes later. Neither of us were sure if we were now allowed to talk to each other. That moment then, me sitting there, her standing there, just looking at each other, me wanting to badly to just hug her, was horrendous. Finally we were told, yes, it's ok now, and I didn't want to let go. Having been through something all too similar years ago, I knew the process wouldn't have been fun for her, all the more considering her hints of feelings for me. To sum up the next period of time, I went to my brothers with him and stayed there til all my friends who were giving evidence had finished and then came round to his too. Eventually, the court day ended and we could all be together. That night L and I spoke properly, but that's for later.
When court broke for the weekend, and indeed, right up until the verdict, it all seemed to be going well. Our barrister seemed confident, and even the judge seemed to be leaning towards favouring the prosecution.
But it was all for nothing.
"They found the bastard innocent."
Those were the words my father said, and then he started crying. The moment he came in the room, the verdict was written all over his face, the pain, the anger, and the sorrow. My mother was crying, my brother was crying, my SOLO was crying, and L had gone outside to cry. I didn't. I couldn't. I just felt numb. It wasn't for a few more minutes that it swallowed me, but even then it wasn't sadness. It was anger. That fury, that rage that had held its hand over me while I stood in court, slammed down on me. But I had to reign it in. I don't think damaging court property and premises would have been a good way to end things. I needed to get out of there. Nobody knew what to say. I certainly didn't. Over the next few hours, when I had presumed I would go into 'shut down', I found myself able to claw my way out for breath. I would not close down. We went home, and over the next few hours gradually more and more people came to see me and say how sorry they were. There wasn't much I could say. At least it's over.
Even now, I'm not 100% sure how I feel. Angry? Yes. Sad? Yes. Relieved? Oddly, yes. At least it's over.
The system let me down.
Everyone, the police, the barrister, all my support workers, even the judge knew the right verdict, but the truth is, with rape cases, convictions are hard to get. At the moment the figures show that in rape cases, the prosecution level stands at 6 per cent. 6 PER CENT. Women are encouraged to come forward and report this abominable crime, but for what? For the hell of reliving it in a public arena, being called a liar, watching the hell their family goes through as they learn the details? The system is quite frankly BULLSHIT. That man's fate was in the hands of people who have no idea of the torment, the pain, the agony of living as a victim of rape, and they set him free, because there were doubts. I fully appreciate that the jury system may save countless innocent people from prison, but it's plain to see that it is riddled with failings. At the backs of the minds of every one of those jurors was the real possibility of sending a man to prison. How can you claim that would not have had an effect? Strangers cannot be impartial. Maybe there isn't a clear solution, but when only 6 per cent of these evil men are convicted, how can anyone say our justice system works? This 'justice' system hasn't only failed me, and rendered me scared to leave my house in the knowledge that he is still allowed to walk around, free and innocent in the eyes of the law, but it has failed hundreds of women, and will fail countless more. It makes me furious, it breaks my heart that anyone who goes through what I went through, which wasn't even as vicious as this crime can be, have such a small hope of justice. I am now supposed to move on with my life, build a future, but how? Everyone told me how I was right to take it to the police, that I was so brave to take it to court when so many wouldn't, but would I have simply saved myself the pain of those words: not guilty? Would it not be better for women everywhere to exact their own brand of justice on those bastards by having extensive counselling and building happy, successful lives? Of course it would, but it's not that easy. How easy would you find it if, as in my case, your virginity was ripped from you? That act of love, of giving yourself to someone so completely, with so much trust, that you had always warned the chance to give, was stolen from you? How easily could you move on, even if the bastard was incarcerated, let alone if he was allowed to walk away scot free? The justice system is a failure. Men who steal are convicted. Men who rape are not. Rape is stealing a woman’s right, rape is an evil act. The cunt who ruined me apparently considers rape to be 'when the man is violent and beats the woman up and stuff', according to his evidence. Is that not what rape will mean to too many more? The justice system FAILS US.
And I am lost for words.
What more can I say? What more can any one person do? One person who can't even leave the house and go into her local town centre because she knows HE lives nearby! Some small mercy, some small, small solace could, I suppose be found in that fact that his name was published, his address, his details. Anyone who reads the local paper and has the slightest bit of self respect wouldn't go near him. He will be the one who people know was accused, and I can only hope that others can see the truth, even if the court couldn't. I hold onto the conversation overhead by my mother in a local shop - on a day when the headline in the local paper read 'WOMEN WARNED AFTER TWO SEX ATTACKS IN TWO DAYS' my mother heard one woman say to another as they perused the headline; "well it's like that bloke who lives round here, they found him innocent but he was guilty as sin".
Small mercies, small hopes.
6 percent. Gone.

So now I have to move forwards.

My attempts to continue an education I desperately want but am unable to pursue in the full time manner due to previously mentioned inability to leave the house without feeling terrified, and my crippling body hang ups thanks to the weight that has piled on with the depression, have also been scuppered. The local college, that I did attend until it became impossible for me to do so, have the monopoly on local A Level evening classes...which you can only complete if you're aged 19 or over. What a joke. But I won't start on that now. Suffice to say we are battling on this one.

Battling. Constantly.
But there's one more battle that will not be fought anymore.
As some of you will know, over the last few months my grandmother has been in and out of hospital with various problems, and has been really very ill. As of last week, she had accepted she would not be able to return to her own home, and faced losing her leg. Then she lost the use of one of her hands. Then her kidneys packed in. Then she lost blood flow to her foot. Then the infection in her leg started spreading throughout the rest of her body. Then it was realised, that it simply wasn't fair to let her keep fighting, and in so much pain. The doctors and my family agreed it was best for her to simply make her comfortable. And then yesterday, she slipped away from us.
Fortunately, we all got to say goodbye. Mum, dad, brother and I all went to see her the day before. At that point she did still seem to know us. I sat with her, on my own as I had wanted, not knowing what to say. Seeing her like that...that wasn't my Nan lying there. That was an old woman, so small, and old. I held her hand, and she gripped so hard. I told her I love her, and would miss her, and would never forget her. I told her that I would always remember her whenever I eat Semolina and Ginger Nut biscuits, and said "na-night nanny nicely, bye nanny properly" for that last time, though I didn't know it. She wasn't fully with it, and kept saying "must be quick, must be quick", but when I said "I love you" she opened her eyes, looked at me and said "I love you too." When I left the room I turned and looked at her, and her arm was still stretching out to where I had just been sat. I'm crying now as I write this, and remember the last time I saw her alive. None of us actually thought she would go so fast, so it was still a bit of a shock. When mum and dad walked through the door while I was drying the dishes and L came down the stairs after her shower, I knew there was no other reason they would both be here, home at this time. It broke my heart seeing my dad like that. He cried on my shoulder, but I couldn't cry. I just felt so utterly numb. I think I barely blinked for the next few hours. I've never lost a relative before; I still don't know if I'm grieving right. When I was younger, my Nan was such a big part of my life. I'd spend weekends with her, go out on day trips with her, and spend New Years with her when my parents wanted to see their friends. I will hold so many good memories of her, but sadly, also many bad ones. I can't fully yet banish the images of her over the last few years, each time she was in hospital, each time she got ill again. I've never thought of her as old, but at 85, she had lived such a long life. A fighter through and through was my Nan, surviving wars, heart attacks, a stroke, cancer, nervous breakdowns...but she couldn't win every fight. She couldn't beat time. I still can't believe she's gone. Until now, I haven't cried much, I don't know why, but believe me I'm crying now. I'm going to miss her so much. She can't be gone. My Nan, the invincible woman, how can she be gone? My dad is being so amazing, he's lost his mother but he's staying as strong as he can. Sure, I've seen him cry more this past year that in all the rest of my life put together, but he's the strongest man I know. My sister, who's living in Australia, got to say goodbye to Nan when we did, albeit over the phone. Nan knew who she was talking to. She was so proud of my sister, so proud. I only recently found out that the last thing my Nan said to my sister before she moved away was "if you're going for 3 years I expect I'll never see you again." My sister really wanted to come home the day she said goodbye to Nan, but she's now decided to stay out there, which we all agree is the right thing for her to do. All this does make me miss my sister, which I haven't really done for a while. It's hard that he doesn't know everything that's gone on this year, but it's the right thing in the circumstances.

So as it stands, Nan’s funeral will be this Tuesday coming. I've never been to a funeral before, and in a way I think I hoped I never would. I don't want to have to say goodbye. But my Nan will live forever, where it really matters; in our hearts.

I'll always love you Nan, and I miss you more than words can say. I hope you're as proud of me as I am of you, proud I had you in my life, proud that I had you as my Nan. You will be my inspiration, to keep fighting, to keep living as I want to. I will not let this beat me, I will not. You never did. No matter what life did, you held your head high and carried on. You loved your boys, you loved their wives and you loved us, their children. You loved so much, and I will miss you so, so much. We all will. You kept fighting. Right til the very end when you still kept trying to take those bandages off! I will make you proud. I will. I love you Nan. I miss you. Please stay with me. Please help me live as you lived- with love and kindness, as I knew you. Na-night nanny nicely, goodbye nanny properly. You will NEVER be forgotten.

You can't see how much I'm crying right now. But I think I needed that. Writing that, and crying now, I need to cry. I haven't done enough of it recently really. Mum keeps telling me it's ok to cry, and I know it is, but I'm always afraid I won't be able to stop. This year has been, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst of my life. I won't be sorry to see the back of it...but I think I'll stay at home this New Year.

As for things with L...well...!
I feel tired and worn out now but I know how therapeutic writing is for me, and I know if I don't do this now I never will.
Basically, on the Saturday before the trial I think it was, L sent me a text that said something like "I love you more than you realise" so I replied with "Are you trying to tell me something?"
To be honest, I was mainly joking! I didn't think she would reply with "Well yes I am, but it's not the right time to tell you are it?” In the lead up to the trial, we didn't talk much about it, but apparently it was obvious to my SOLO and the other police officer in charge that something was going on! After Friday, L came home with us and stayed the night. I think we were all feeling on a bit of a strange high, I know I was. Having done my bit, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and we all relaxed with a few drinks. When we went up to bed conversation eventually came to what had been said in the texts the other night. Long story short (ha! I hear you cry!) she told me that she had feelings for me and wanted more than just friendship and I said I wasn't sure how I felt, but that I know I love her and she's my best friend and I don't ever want to lose her. The weekend was...interesting. There was a new level to our friendship that we both had to get used to, but it was nice. Flirtier jokes and comments, and texts between us that sometimes shocked me and made me grin a little at the same time. But it was nice. And after the trial, I came to realise that I did feel the same for her. I would be lying if I said that when I first met her I didn't find her attractive, but as I knew she had a boyfriend I pushed any feelings like that aside if ever they came up. She truly became my best friend, and life would seriously have been shit without her.
But then, after the verdict, things seemed to change.
I know it wasn't easy for her either, and she sat in for his evidence which undoubtedly brought back a lot of unpleasant memories. She went away the next weekend as she had already planned, for a friend’s house warming party, and when she left things didn't feel right. She said she needed some time to think and we'd talk when she got back. Only we didn't. And then she had to go back up to Essex to see him again. And then her closest brother was rushed into hospital, where, as far as I know as she isn't telling me much, he still is. There's also the matter of P, her brothers best friend who she had a thing with a while back, is really close to and is completely in love with her. And basically, it would seem she doesn't know how she feels. He knows about how she says she feels for me, and he was more than a little shocked apparently. Other than him, no one else knows. I just don't know what to do. She's obviously been spending a lot of time with P recently because of her brother, but it's hard. I'm trying to be understanding, and be there for her, but when she doesn't tell me what's going on and when she doesn’t talk to me, it's hard to know what to do. She keeps saying there's a couple of things she's wants to say to me but she also doesn't want to, and that if I push her she won't say anything. I also now know she spent the night with P last night, and whilst she says nothing happened, that he was just there to talk about her brother and then they had a fair few drinks and he just ended up staying, and while I believe her, I'm just struggling. They have a lot of history that I know about, and whilst she says she loves me and misses me when she's not with me, when she's on the phone to him or texting him I find it hard to even be in the same room. I haven't spoken to her about it, because with everything going on in both our lives I don't want to upset the balance, but I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know what's going on between us, between her and P, I don't know how her brother is, and she won't talk to me. She's says she knows she can talk to me about anything and that I'm one of the few people she trusts, but then seems to be holding so much back from me. I don't think it’s just 'jealousy' but I don't know what to do. Blame it on my star sign Taurus or whatever, but when I fall for someone I fall hard. This is only the second time I've ever felt like this, and the other girl I badly fell in love with decided to cut me out of her life when she found out I liked her. I so don't want to lose L, but I don't know what to so.

Things are just stacking up again. When the trial ended, other than the feelings I had over the verdict, I also felt relieved it was over. But now, I think I'm not dealing with it as well as I thought, and now Nan’s gone and the situation with L is getting unbearably painful for me and with everything else, I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed again. I've already regrettably reverted to 'old habits' as it were once and I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I can't switch off, can't relax, can't breathe, can't sleep brilliantly again, despite this glorious new bed. Most days I'm walking round with my head working a mile a minute and freaking out. Mainly about L if I'm honest. I'm just worrying about everything. I don't think my medication is helping massively at the moment, and my psych nurse was planning to change my medication soon so I'm worrying about that too!
Part of me just wants to get fucked hammered and pass out, part of me wants to go and smash things, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and die, part of me wants to scream and shout and cry, but no one part of me can decide what I actually AM going to do.

So right now I'm lying awake crying, worried about L because she was going home tonight to meet with her brothers doctor to discuss his situation and I haven't heard from her, worried about mum and dad, worried about how my brother's coping with Nan being gone, worried about my sister on her own on the other side of the fucking world and wondering what the hell the last 3 months of this shitty year are going to throw at me now.

But other than all of that, everything is rosy in this Finch's garden.

Time to get some sleep now I think. Apologies for the length of this post again, as you can see a lot has been going on since my last post so it was sort of necessary. Thank you once more for your support. I just hope it can be enough.

H.x

Friday - G Day?

A date has been set for my grand coming out to my parents. Oh deep joy. My SOLO needs to take another statement from me as I myself didn't actually mention my sexuality in my statement, so she's coming round on Friday. That's when they'll know.
I'm shitting myself. I've kept it secret this long. I'm angry that all that happened means I have to tell them. I'm scared.
I also have to decide what to do about my brother. My SOLO is coming round at 1pm and officially finishes work at 4pm. My parents will come home at lunch time. My brother is moving house that evening and Saturday morning so he also has Friday afternoon off. He asked if he wanted me there. None of them know why she's coming round though. I have to decide whether to tell him at the same time as mum and dad, seeing as they'll have to help him move house straight after receiving this bomb shell.
No clue what to do.
No clue how to actually physically tell them.

I think tomorrow I'll take my auntie up on that offer of a phone call.

Half out.

So last night I came out to my auntie.


I woke up yesterday feeling a bit nervous, knowing that I'd be spending the day with my auntie and uncle which meant telling her soon. We had a lovely day, and I didn't think about telling her yet. I figured it'd be easier after a couple of drinks in the evening and I was going to find it harder to get her on her own while we were out and about in Camden. So I tried to forget about it for a while. Then we went out for a meal when grandad joined us, and then all went back to his for drinks and games. It was girls v boys for 'Who's in the bag?' and I'm pleased to say we thrashed them :) then we played some cards and I lost a fair few chips :( Now I'd been hoping that my auntie and uncle were going to stay a bit later, but at about midnight they called to see when a taxi would be available. Just my luck, somehow in London on a Saturday night they could get one to her in 5-10 minutes. I was almost all out of time. I went to the bathroom and tried to gear myself up for what I had to do. I went and stood by the door and tried to motion my auntie to come outside. A bit of confusion ensued when mum thought I wanted to talk to her so my plan of doing it subtly so mum wouldn't really know I was talking to her sister was dead. Eventually I did manage to get my auntie outside. She figured I just wanted a lighter but I told her that yes that was true but also I needed to talk to her. I babbled for a bit about how I was shitting myself about doing this and how I'd been nervous about it from when I woke up and how now she'd booked a taxi it was now or never. She told me 'just spit it out' :) so I said, "Its about what happened at new years" (my mum told her recently, so I know she knows) "the reason it was even harder is because, well, I...don't...like........men".
Basically I won't go into specifics because I'd had a few drinks so can't remember exactly which way round the conversation happened from then on in, but along the way I just said how scared I was about telling mum and dad but that I HAD to tell them because I was told that it WOULD come up in court. (On another note, if it turns out it doesn't come up in court, 'peeved' would not cover it.) Anyway, I won't say that anything she said has dissolved all worry in my mind, because she'd have to be a magician to do that, but it did help. I said that I wanted to tell her because she's the more liberal of the sisters and having been related to mum for longer than I have, obviously, she might be able to help me sound mum out, as it were. Now, I duly discovered that my auntie is beyond the level of cool than I suspected. Turns out she's had daliances with the fairer sex herself, though I'm not to tell mum that lol, and that she'd be more bothered about having a Conservative in the family :)
At one point I said I didn't want her to hate me, and she just told me not to be stupid, so I guess that's that question answered. We also spoke about my sister, and it turns out I'm not the only one who has suspicions about my sisters sexuality. But that's for another day.
Then my uncle called out and said the taxi had arrived, so we had to cut it short. We had a big hug and she told me to text her or call her in the week. Mum looked a bit confused as we all said goodbye, but I just told her I was just having a chat. Then I had another drink and the four of us that were left gambled a bit more.
I was also a bit nervous of seeing my auntie in the morning when they came round to pick up their car, but I needn't have been. They weren't there for long, staying long enough to wish us a safe journey home. We all said goodbye and my auntie gave me another hug and said in my ear, just loud enough for me to hear, though mum looked confused again, to call her in the week. I think I will.

So now I'm sat in an oven car on the motorway, melting, going home. Back to the bunnies :)
I may nap. I may not. I will definately sneeze....ouch, just did. That one bloody hurt!

Next up: all out - the parents!!'n

FUCK.

Synapse.

This is where I wish I'm not as tired as I am. Sitting in the car on the way to London via Longleat, and my synapses are firing. Ideas and images and words and conversations being flung around. This is where I wish I hadn't put my laptops in the boot rather than in the back with me. Hundreds of ideas, for books, stories. Just words, phrases, snippets. All like gold dust to me.

Getting to me.

All this stress is kind of getting to me now. Been pushing everything to the back of my mind every day, but sitting just listening to music I've got nothing really to distract my attention.
Stressed about my driving.
Stressed about the court case.
Stressed about the verdict and what I'm scared it'll be, judging by statistics.
Stressed about coming out to my parents.
Stressed about my weight.
Stressed about my friends.
FREAKING OUT basically.
And it's making me worry that I might not be able to stop myself from reverting to old habits of stress relief.

Phone calls.

I've decided I'm going to ring my SOLO tomorrow and arrange to go see her to talk about coming out to my parents. I'm bricking it. But I think that'll be the first step.
Then I need to keep trying to call my ISVA to arrange the tour/visit of the court and also a time to meet with her. I think I need to come out to her and explain why it's so stressful for me lately. Again, this will be another step.

When I'm not making these phone calls I will be shopping for some new clothes to take to London. I don't have any trousers as they are all now stupidly short and my tshirts are boring. I don't shop often so kind of looking forwards to it and dreading it at the same time.
Very much looking forwards to buying some new shoes though :) of course I am, I'm a woman! Even if the shoes I like aren't the most girly. At all. But I likes my shoes and my current ones are a right state.
Also picking up computers :)