Arg.

Arg. I'm so distracted. I need to do a final draft of my 'Opposition and conflict are fundamental to Wuthering Heights. Discuss with comparison to Jane Eyre, including consideration of the period in which these texts were written' essay... by Wednesday. I was supposed to have done it by last Wednesday's tutorial session but my teacher had to cancel, luckily, which gave me an extra week... which I have since frittered away on tidying and Pokemon. Speaking of which; get out of my brain! I'm not even playing on it, I'm walking up against a wall to level up some day care Pokemon XD but I've ended up just sitting researching all sorts of help stuff for HG! FFS. I so need to crack on with this coursework now, specially seeing as I've got a counselling session tomorrow and am then meant to be going round to my brothers. I may have to give the xbox session with him a miss if I'm to have any chance of finishing this essay :s

Lighter Life: The Saga

Right. You all know by now I started the Lighter Life diet programme a few weeks ago, but that since then I've been having all sorts of problems with their medical team. Well, here's the run down of what's happened;

- The screening form that has to be filled out by my GP only had to the option of 'Major Depressive illness'; as I have depression my GP had to tick it.

- 'Major' Depression is a contra-indicator for the programme so we had to get another form for the GP to sign to say that my depression isn't major; All was ok from there, we got the green light.

- The they said that because I had been sent for an EEG and was awaiting results I would have to wait til the results of that come back to start the programme.

- The results came back normal, we thought they'd be able to give the green light once more. They didn't. They said they needed yet MORE information from my counsellor.

- They spoke to her, and yesterday we were informed via someone else that they were kicking me off the programme, even though I'd tried ringing them several times and left messages asking them to call me personally so I could try and soothe their remaining concerns, BEFORE they made a decision.

So there's the story so far. So obviously, after hearing yesterday that they were kicking me off, I was very upset not to mention a little angry. However, I decided I wasn't giving up that easily; a) they hadn't actually got in touch with us to tell us I'd been kicked off, and b) I wanted to know their reasons for not letting me continue and for not calling me as I had asked.

I rang again this afternoon asking for a call back within the hour, and finally managed to speak to someone just over an hour later. I told her why I'd had to have a EEG, that there was never any real suspicion of epilepsy, that the group therapy counselling sessions would not affect me in any adverse way, to the contrary, and talked for England. To be honest, I think I did really fucking well. One of their concerns had been that they hadn't spoken to me directly, but as I said to them, the only reason for that was that mum had only got in touch with them originally to obtain this other form we needed, and it was only when more problems appeared that she ended up dealing with it because she was their first port of call. The woman I spoke to sounded happy enough with what I told her, and she said she would take the information I had given her, eg more reliable and hopefully good enough for them as it came from the horse's mouth, back to her manager, who would then review the case yet again. Seeing as the reason they kicked me off was apparently because they didn't have an explanation for why I had to have the EEG in the first place, because it had come back normal so they wanted to know why I'd even had one (apart from the fact that my mother had told them what happened) I'm hoping that the info I gave her, eg what DID happen and why I DID have the EEG, will be enough to sate them.

So we're now waiting to hear back from them again. They've said I should have an answer by 6 pm today, but they've said that before. Part of me is hopeful, but the rest of me is telling me that its not the end of the world if they still say no, I handled it eloquently and in an adult manner, and actually the fact I was strong enough and confident enough to talk to them myself is an achievement in itself. If they still say no, I'm going to put it down to bureaucracy and their obligation to cover themselves if anything were to go wrong. I've been exploring other options anyway, so it wont be the end of the world.

H.x

Gamezzzbox

Sweet. Games are on their way. Gears of War 2 is technically already here, but as I was in hospital when they tried to deliver it and it's recorded delivery, I'll have to wait til Monday. Just Cause, Dark Sector, Assassin's Creed and Far Cry 2 have apparently all be dispatched. I know, the games are old, but I've completed AC2, and can't afford JC2. Besides, I'm clearly old school. Only ones that haven't heard of dispatch on are Dead Space and Mirror's Edge. Actually, I find it quite funny that I've already got loads of games, and with these too... I blatently don't have the time to play them. Ah well. I'll muddle along, ever so slowly.

H.x

Lighter Life day.

So I had my first weigh in at Lighter Life today and I am pleased to say I have lost 7.7lbs in a week :) I am so pleased with that. I'm obviously now hoping I can keep that up as I'd be losing a stone a fortnight haha. But to be honest I'll be pleased with anything.

Unfortunately though, the road has not been smooth.

Lighter Life originally weren't going to let me do the programme due to the fact I have been depressed, but then after certain forms were filled out they said that was no longer an issue.

Then they said that because I was waiting for the results of an EEG I shouldnt be allowed to do the programme. We then gave them the results, which came back normal, so I dont have epilepsy, so it should have been ok.

However, they are now saying they need 'more information'. What more fucking information can they need? It's making me quite upset and angry to be honest, as I'm now again not allowed to have the food packs. My LL counsellor has however given me the necessary knowledge to stay in Ketosis so I can technically continue losing the weight until they give me the all clear, but its still very frustrating. It just seems as though they're now simply trying to find any reason not to let me do it, but I'm not giving up.

In other news, today I was a human pin cushion; I had my pre-operative appointment today and they needed to take some blood, and unfortunately my veins are notoriously difficult to find, so it took 4 goes to get some blood out of me. Which of course means the crooks of my arms are now very sore and bruised, but its nothing I haven't dealt with before. I'm so used to needles now after all the injections and blood samples I had to have done before I went to Africa a couple of years ago, that they really dont bother me. I'm not keen on watching the needle actually go in, but once its in I love watching the liquids going in or being taken out :) I know, I'm morbid :)

Tomorrow is March 17th, and so my new camera should technically finally be in stock. Dad's going to ring in the morning and if it is I'll be jumping in the car straight away! Here's hoping!

All in all, happy but frustrated.

H.x

"And it was all mellow."

Today has been a big day for me in many respects. Well, one mainly.
As some of you may know, over the last year I have become virtually a recluse. A friendless, jobless, meaningless slob. It's only in the last 3 months or so that I have finally been able to pick my self up a little and try and move on with what's left of me life.
My friends ditched me because they were fed up of being friends with a depressed rape victim, basically.
The one friend that did stick around then proceeded to fall in love with me, then break my heart, and then get shitty with me when I couldn't deal with seeing her ever again. (She has since resurfaced once more, saying she'll come round next week. I'm contemplating letting her and trying to talk.)
I dropped out of college, failed my exams, and lost touch with pretty much everyone in my tutor group who I had come to love.

Well... the other week I got invited to go and watch the A2 performance element of two such people at my old college. My first instinct was to say no; I'm not comfortable with groups of more than 5 people, and going back to that theatre where I kicked ass in my AS performance might have been too much for me, not to mention the fact that there would be people there who hate me.
But then I thought again. Here is my chance, I said to myself, to continue on the path called 'moving on', a chance to get back out into the real world.
So I accepted.
True, in all honesty I thought I'd probaby bail closer to the time, but I said yes.
But then the part of me that reminded me this was a chance told me I was NOT going to back out. So I went.
This evening at 5.30pm I entered the building where I had made friends who I then lost, acted my arse of on stage, and brielfy was happy. The first person I saw there was... How do I put this... My arch enemy? The second most hated person in my past? Well, however you want to put it, she was there. I held me head high. Actually I went and sat down with a book and a glass of water as the show didn't start for half an hour, but mentally, that was a head held high.
Then yet more people arrived who I wasn't comfortable seeing, but I steeled myself as best I could.
I entered the theatre just behind them and took seat far away from them. At one point I saw that she turned round to get a good look at fat lonely old me, but I just kept my eyes on the stage.
The performance was great, it really was. And strangely enough, the emotions I expected to feel around it weren't there. I expected to feel sad, and a sense of loss. By rights I should have been on that stage again too, for my A Level in Drama. I expected to miss the acting. Once upon a time I wanted to spend my whole life being someone else on a stage. Part of me still does, but I didn't feel it tonight. Instead, I smiled, and laughed, and grieved only a little.
Afterwards, I had to practically sprint to the toilet as part of the diet I'm on involved keeping very well hydrated, which then consequently leads to peeing all the live long day.
After that though, I saw my parents had arrived for a lift home. I'd said I was going to stick around after to talk to the two people I came to see, and even though here was an opportunity to flee and say "well, I managed to watch the play, that's good enough" I didn't take it. I stayed and waited.
I watched was one of the girls came out of the dressing room and went to see her friends, also where she was stood. And then she saw me. The group of girls basically averted their gaze, which made me chuckle. They can't bear to see someone happy to see me! And she was! She ran over to me squealing and hugged me, said how pleased she was to see me. I proceeded to tell her how well she'd done, she thanked me, and then we chatted a little about what I'd already mentioned to her about going to see Lady GaGa. I felt relieved. She hadn't blanked me because the others were there, and she didn't try to get away after a minute of talking. Eventually she had to go, but said we'd definately sort something for Lady GaGa.
And then the second girl came out of the dressing room. She had spotted me in the audience when she sat down because she wasn't in the final play at all, and did a double take. Entirely understandable. But she too ran up to me and hugged me. She knew more of how difficult it was for me to be there, and she seemed genuinely happy I had made it. True, it was slightly awkward, it's the first time I've seen her since she told me she'd seen my trial in the paper and I figured that must mean she'd know I'm gay, and then she told me she'd known for a while anywhere but she didn't care. Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe not. But she did seem happy to see me. She told me we must meet up sometime soon, and I told her that I was hoping that in a couple of month before they all fly off to Uni I'll come and see my old tutor group. I so want to seem them all again.

I then came home, and sat reading through all my old texts. Honest to god, not just because I'm a sad old soul, but because I'm a text fiend and have to take screenshots of all my texts so I don't lose them when I wipe my phone so it'll work with the new sim.

As I sat there, I suddenly became aware I wasn't just reading text messages; I was reading my past life. A life that was far from perfect, but was taken from me. And there are things I want back.
I want some of those friendships back. Not all of them by any means, not the damaging ones, but there are some people that when I think of them, and how things were before, my heart breaks a little bit more.
And so I made a decision.
I will text or email both of the girls I saw tonight, and thank them for inviting me, and for being so kind. I shall then ask them both for coffee sometime next week when they are free. I shall then tell them where the fuck I dissappeared to this time last year. I know that in reality I don't owe anyone shit all, but I'm the kind of person who believes that actions need to be explained to the important people in your life. So I will fill in the numerous blanks, and erase the various misconceptions surrounding my life.
I've already found myself half rehearsing what to say to them, in typical me style.
It is something I feel I have to do.
I will then make good on my idea to pick another two friends up from college, drive them home to Dawlish, and hang out with them for a few hours, filling in said blanks and said misconceptions once more.

I feel that mellow, and calm, that comes over me in the moment I take action toward living once more.

The only situation I am still undecided on is the one with L. As I mentioned at the start of his soliloquy, she has recently sent me yet another messge to the effect of "Are you around on X day? If not I'm coming round in the week anyway." I can't honestly see how she hasn't got the message that I don't want to see her anymore. But now I'm wondering if I should see her. Again, reading those text messages has confused everything in my head. She told me that she realized she'd had feelings for me for quite a while, and armed with that knowledge, some texts do make more sense. But am I just imagining things? I know that after all the shit we've been through that a relationship would never work, but what I want to know is, is it wrong to still wish we could? I mean, there was a real chance for us at one point, and she just threw it away. So why can't I just let go? Why does the fact that she's so obviously moved on, so much so that she's now LIVING with her new boyfriend (not the guy I was ditched for even) make me so angry? I mean, she told me that we'd obviously never work because she was ''more than likely'' moving away, but now she's living loved up with some other randomer? The more I think about her, the more I realise that despite all the shit she told me about herself, I really didn't know her.
And what hurts the most? The fact that I wonder now if all those shit friends were right.
I have always considered myself a good judge of character, but they didn't like her from day one. Did I choose to like her to spite them? Were they really right? Are they better judges of character than I? Very little saddens me more than that thought.

So here I ask for advice; what should I do?

H.x

Breaking, I reach for the poem.

I thought I had a break.
A break in the madness,
but now the break is somewhere else.

Crushing bleak love
hammers inwards.

The desperate black
months long been so threatening
the hand wavering and hovering
falls again.

A hand punches
a hole in my chest
back again. The last time it was here
it never really healed.

The face that soothed me
turns no other cheek
turns no cheek whatsoever
just turns away.

Someone else will get what I wanted
again. What I loved
what I needed.
What I thought, for a I moment, I had.
Or so she told me.

Mountains rise and fall
but mine just keeps on keeps on rising up
and I havent got the legs
or the heart
to keep the climb.

One heart healed the other hurt
and now they both burn as new as a baby
feverish and fatal,
damning heart hurt.

The desperate, crushing black
the illness in me
learning me and thrilling
ripe on my shoulders, rippling as it runs across
and thrums through my brain.

The illness in me
that is me as I was born and bleed
wants to kill me soon.
The illness that destroys me moves
and pushes all away soon.

The black belief has no reprive
and no relief.
Not so as I breathe I do it freely from’t.
Damning black.

So black it has no name.
So full it has no mass, no weight.
So wrong it knows no right.
So swollen, cruel and crushing,
all in a moment and every
one of them.


Smothers me in all it's hell
and laughs at me.

So long as I remember me
I remember it too.
Days and nights and shame
and frights.
Always living.

The illness in me hates me
and I hate it back, with all the hate I feel for me
and more.
All the fuel they give to me
the words and wounds
I use to hate it.

The black wont leave when I bleed
and the black wont leave when I scream
and the black wont leave when I cry.
The black leaves
when I leave.

And it wants to leave as much as I do.

Hate me and I’ll hate me too
hate the blackness and brightness that I wish for
that slips away and runs
like the light from the light.

Fix me
and I’ll be perfect.

I've got the makings of a wonder in me,
the mind works too much
the body works not enough
because it's all broken.

Fix me
and I’ll be perfect.

Fix me
and the black leaves and it’ll just be me.
As I want to be,
As I dream to be.

Swallowing me and thorns in the back of my hands,
splinter and spit me out
slashed and scorned and sleepless.
Laughter in the black.

You didnt see the hell in me
but now you do.

Now you do.

Hmm.

Still don't know how I should be feeling. I know I'm supposed to be there for her but it's ... Oh fuck I don't know.
She hasn't handled it particularly sensitively or considered how I might be feeling, but I think that's just her way. But then maybe it isn't.
What hurts as well is that she didn't talk to me. Knowing I've been through the court process etc and she didn't talk to me. She tells me she knows she can talk to me and I'm one of the few people she'd trust with anything, and that she'd talk to me, and then she proves the opposite.
She was meant to be coming round for tea tonight after she finishes work. No doubt she will be in a bit of a mood with me (fair enough to some degree) at the moment and I don't know what to say to her, about anything, so who knows.
I certainly don't.

What now.

L's just texted me to say that she's taking her ex boyfriend to court for raping her years ago. 
Now I know this might sound harsh considering it happened to me too, but I really don't think this is the right decision. 
She saw what I went through for the trial, and how I was when the verdict came back not guilty. And my case had more evidence than hers. Although she hasn't told me specifics, I don't think there were any witnesses and as it was a while ago there'll be no medical evidence. 
She's also just said that she just gave another statement today and that the police officer said it was one of the worst cases he'd heard and he truly believed he'd be found guilty. For me that's a double edged sword. On the one hand, the police were so confident the whole way through my case that he'd be convicted, and he wasn't. But also, and this is because of something she said after the trial too, it makes me feel like what happened to me wasn't as bad as what happened to her. 
And she's not exactly sounding sensitive or thinking how I might be taking what she's saying. 
I don't know what to say or do. 
You think you know someone...right?

Wish; take two.

For fucks sakes. I wrote all this out once then blogpost crashed on me and didn't save it, so I'm going to have to try and remember everything I fucking said!

EDIT: I think I've managed to remember everything if said the first time round, but it might all seem a bit jumbled, just for a change.

Basically, I'm sitting in bed wishing L would text me or call me.
She just doesn't seem to talk to me about anything.
I haven't got a clue what's going on with her brother, with her and P, or even between her and I for that matter.
I think she's worked out that I struggle to be around when she's on the phone to P, but it seems like that annoys her more than anything. I kind of get that, as from the off she said that nothing would ever happen between them, but it's still no walk in the park.
Things just seem so strained between us. There's things I want to ask and say, but don't want to because I don't want to fuck things up. It's killing me that my falling for her may well cause me to lose her. I told her I don't ever want to lose her when she told me how she felt, and she simply said I wouldn't. I just can't be so sure.
I was round hers for a bit earlier and things just seemed so much more...awkward. We laughed and joked but then seemed to run out of steam and gave up, just sat there. Then she asked if I'd been cutting again. I lied of course, but she knew anyway. She said at one point; "I really wish you wouldn't." One minute I think she doesn't feel anything anymore and then she says things that confuse me. Then she asked me why. I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I couldn't tell her that I did it because I don't know where my head is going, or even IF it's going. That the situation with her, or lack of one or whatever, is driving me to distraction. That I'm not dealing with the verdict as well as I thought, or with losing nan. I told her that things just got too much for me again, which while true, still felt like a lie. I can't work out how she feels about it either, obviously she doesn't like it but I don't know if she's angry.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, probably because, as I've said before, I find this therapeutic.
I'm not ashamed that I'm an ex-self harmer, though I suppose I should lose the 'ex' there, because my scars make ne who I am. It's peoples reactions that get to me the most. 'Emo', 'attention seeking' and so on. Ignorant stupid reactions, and if there's one thing I hate it's ignorance. People don't understand it, but think they've got it sussed. And they haven't. At all.
When I cut again, it was the first time for roughly a year. To be honest I think I've done well to last as long as I have, but now I'm scared the floodgates will open up again and I won't be able to stop doing it again.
I guess it's just another battle.
It's the not knowing that's killing me.
If she does still have feelings for me, and wants something, then great. If she doesn't, then I need to know. Maybe I'll be able to go away for a bit with someone and sort my head out, try and get rid of any feelings so I can still be friends with her. Because romantic feelings aside, she is my best friends. She has been my rock this past year I've known her, and I just can't face losing her. When all my other friends fucked off, she stayed. I feel like I'm letting her down. She says she realised she had feelings for me around the time of my birthday, and that she was pretty much 'in love' with me not long after. But I'm not the same person as I was then. Im vastly overweight, have zero conficence and I'm a complete mess. Then again, that was all true when she told me how she felt, and when I said that she said she didn't care, it didn't matter.
The other issue is whether she does move away. I know she hasn't been overly happy here in Exeter for a while now, and I think visiting her friend up in Essex has only heightened any desire to move away. I know she's been looking at jobs up there. I've just got this gut wrenching image of her moving to Essex with P and living happily ever after with him, leaving me here on my own again. If she does go, I really will be on my own. But I don't think she'd stay for me.
I just need to know what's going on.
It's H's 18th birthday do tomorrow evening, and while I know a lot of undesirables will be there I said I'd pop in for a drink or two. L said she'd come too and then maybe we'd go somewhere after for something to eat. Maybe we'll talk then. Maybe she'll suggest or ask me to stay at hers so we can talk some more there on our own. I just don't know.
All I know is that at the minute I feel like I'm going insane again, like I need to start my life from scratch, somewhere else, as someone else. But unfortunately that's not really an option. In a few years maybe it would be, but I need a way out NOW.
I just want things to clear up, or fuck off. I've had enough of this year, of most years to be honest, but this one really takes the biscuit. At the minute, I don't see a future for me. I can't see anything, no success, no happiness, nothing. Literally nothing. I can't see how I can have a future now. Nothing feels right. It hasn't for years. I need a new body, a new mind that works how it's supposed to, and new heart, a new life. I just hate how things are. To put it bluntly, I hate myself most of the time, and I know the saying goes "no one can love you til you love yourself", but I just don't really feel worth it. I don't know.
I keep wishing, praying sometimes even, every night before I go to bed; "please let this day be easier. Give me a personality transplant. Make me happy. Let me wake up and realise this is all a nightmare. Let me wake up, slim, healthy, happy, and loved. Loved by me. Give me some sanity."
And every day? Nothing.
I'm just tired, so tired, and right now I don't see a way out.

Apologies for being so doom and gloom.
And don't worry, this isn't some suicide note, I'm too much of a coward for that. I think there is still some small, hidden facet of hope somewhere in me, that tells me I'm not going anywhere, not yet, and not by my own hand.
So I'll still be here tomorrow, trying to figure out a way forwards.

Wish me luck won't you?
And wish my wish with me.

H.x

Too much.

Evening all.
Firstly I would like to say, before I get started on the meat of this post, a big thank you to all those people on Twitter who have been amazingly kind and supportive to me over the past month or so. It really hasn't been an easy time for me, but some of you in particular have been absolutely amazing.
I would also like to apologise to those same people on Twitter, and any other followers, who have had to put up with my erratic tweeting/moaning/general misery over said month. Once more, thank you.

So, it's been a while.
My last post was before the trial began, and also mentioned how L had said something that lead me to believe she had feelings for me.
First things first; the trial. It didn't exactly get off to a great start, thanks to the fuck-up that calls itself an 'organisation' (what a joke-as my auntie put it; "they couldn't organise a bunk up in a brothel) - the CPS. Long story short the trial either had to start from scratch with a new judge the next day, or wait until next fucking March; guess which option we went for? It was exhausting. Every day I geared myself up for the fact that I could be called any minute, and for the irate two days; nothing. I tell you, sitting around doing shit all in that environment really takes its toll. Eventually, on the Friday (when the trial was due to end, fat chance) I gave my evidence. I can't really explain how it felt, to have to stand up there and be cross examined. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, but I ended up in floods of tears. To stand up there, having to remember what happened that night, what he did to me, what he made me do to him, in front of everyone, and to be basically accused of lying by the defence barrister...there are no words. I felt...exposed. So entirely vulnerable, like my heart was being ripped out and my soul, my character, was out for all to see and examine. I practically broke down at one point. I'd been told I could stop at any point for a break, but I knew that if I left that room I wouldn't want to go back in. So I stood my ground, and told my side. At times I felt anger; anger that I had to remember that night, anger at the things this woman (the defence barrister) was implying, anger at the man who I thankfully couldn't see but knew was standing so close. Fury, at times, threatened to overwhelm me, but I knew I could not break, would not break. Besides the fact that getting angry and 'smart' with the defence wouldn't help at all, I just knew I could not let myself be broken like that. So instead, I spoke through gritted teeth when needed and through tears when I couldn't fight them anymore. When it was over, and I was dismissed, I felt drained. I cried and cried and cried. My SOLO, R, who was nothing short of amazing, a rock to me, throughout, had been allowed to sit behind me while I spoke, so was instantly on hand to get me out of there. We left and my parents enveloped me. We all cried. Then the court broke for a short while, and after that, L was up to give her evidence. I was outside having a cigarette and she came out 5minutes later. Neither of us were sure if we were now allowed to talk to each other. That moment then, me sitting there, her standing there, just looking at each other, me wanting to badly to just hug her, was horrendous. Finally we were told, yes, it's ok now, and I didn't want to let go. Having been through something all too similar years ago, I knew the process wouldn't have been fun for her, all the more considering her hints of feelings for me. To sum up the next period of time, I went to my brothers with him and stayed there til all my friends who were giving evidence had finished and then came round to his too. Eventually, the court day ended and we could all be together. That night L and I spoke properly, but that's for later.
When court broke for the weekend, and indeed, right up until the verdict, it all seemed to be going well. Our barrister seemed confident, and even the judge seemed to be leaning towards favouring the prosecution.
But it was all for nothing.
"They found the bastard innocent."
Those were the words my father said, and then he started crying. The moment he came in the room, the verdict was written all over his face, the pain, the anger, and the sorrow. My mother was crying, my brother was crying, my SOLO was crying, and L had gone outside to cry. I didn't. I couldn't. I just felt numb. It wasn't for a few more minutes that it swallowed me, but even then it wasn't sadness. It was anger. That fury, that rage that had held its hand over me while I stood in court, slammed down on me. But I had to reign it in. I don't think damaging court property and premises would have been a good way to end things. I needed to get out of there. Nobody knew what to say. I certainly didn't. Over the next few hours, when I had presumed I would go into 'shut down', I found myself able to claw my way out for breath. I would not close down. We went home, and over the next few hours gradually more and more people came to see me and say how sorry they were. There wasn't much I could say. At least it's over.
Even now, I'm not 100% sure how I feel. Angry? Yes. Sad? Yes. Relieved? Oddly, yes. At least it's over.
The system let me down.
Everyone, the police, the barrister, all my support workers, even the judge knew the right verdict, but the truth is, with rape cases, convictions are hard to get. At the moment the figures show that in rape cases, the prosecution level stands at 6 per cent. 6 PER CENT. Women are encouraged to come forward and report this abominable crime, but for what? For the hell of reliving it in a public arena, being called a liar, watching the hell their family goes through as they learn the details? The system is quite frankly BULLSHIT. That man's fate was in the hands of people who have no idea of the torment, the pain, the agony of living as a victim of rape, and they set him free, because there were doubts. I fully appreciate that the jury system may save countless innocent people from prison, but it's plain to see that it is riddled with failings. At the backs of the minds of every one of those jurors was the real possibility of sending a man to prison. How can you claim that would not have had an effect? Strangers cannot be impartial. Maybe there isn't a clear solution, but when only 6 per cent of these evil men are convicted, how can anyone say our justice system works? This 'justice' system hasn't only failed me, and rendered me scared to leave my house in the knowledge that he is still allowed to walk around, free and innocent in the eyes of the law, but it has failed hundreds of women, and will fail countless more. It makes me furious, it breaks my heart that anyone who goes through what I went through, which wasn't even as vicious as this crime can be, have such a small hope of justice. I am now supposed to move on with my life, build a future, but how? Everyone told me how I was right to take it to the police, that I was so brave to take it to court when so many wouldn't, but would I have simply saved myself the pain of those words: not guilty? Would it not be better for women everywhere to exact their own brand of justice on those bastards by having extensive counselling and building happy, successful lives? Of course it would, but it's not that easy. How easy would you find it if, as in my case, your virginity was ripped from you? That act of love, of giving yourself to someone so completely, with so much trust, that you had always warned the chance to give, was stolen from you? How easily could you move on, even if the bastard was incarcerated, let alone if he was allowed to walk away scot free? The justice system is a failure. Men who steal are convicted. Men who rape are not. Rape is stealing a woman’s right, rape is an evil act. The cunt who ruined me apparently considers rape to be 'when the man is violent and beats the woman up and stuff', according to his evidence. Is that not what rape will mean to too many more? The justice system FAILS US.
And I am lost for words.
What more can I say? What more can any one person do? One person who can't even leave the house and go into her local town centre because she knows HE lives nearby! Some small mercy, some small, small solace could, I suppose be found in that fact that his name was published, his address, his details. Anyone who reads the local paper and has the slightest bit of self respect wouldn't go near him. He will be the one who people know was accused, and I can only hope that others can see the truth, even if the court couldn't. I hold onto the conversation overhead by my mother in a local shop - on a day when the headline in the local paper read 'WOMEN WARNED AFTER TWO SEX ATTACKS IN TWO DAYS' my mother heard one woman say to another as they perused the headline; "well it's like that bloke who lives round here, they found him innocent but he was guilty as sin".
Small mercies, small hopes.
6 percent. Gone.

So now I have to move forwards.

My attempts to continue an education I desperately want but am unable to pursue in the full time manner due to previously mentioned inability to leave the house without feeling terrified, and my crippling body hang ups thanks to the weight that has piled on with the depression, have also been scuppered. The local college, that I did attend until it became impossible for me to do so, have the monopoly on local A Level evening classes...which you can only complete if you're aged 19 or over. What a joke. But I won't start on that now. Suffice to say we are battling on this one.

Battling. Constantly.
But there's one more battle that will not be fought anymore.
As some of you will know, over the last few months my grandmother has been in and out of hospital with various problems, and has been really very ill. As of last week, she had accepted she would not be able to return to her own home, and faced losing her leg. Then she lost the use of one of her hands. Then her kidneys packed in. Then she lost blood flow to her foot. Then the infection in her leg started spreading throughout the rest of her body. Then it was realised, that it simply wasn't fair to let her keep fighting, and in so much pain. The doctors and my family agreed it was best for her to simply make her comfortable. And then yesterday, she slipped away from us.
Fortunately, we all got to say goodbye. Mum, dad, brother and I all went to see her the day before. At that point she did still seem to know us. I sat with her, on my own as I had wanted, not knowing what to say. Seeing her like that...that wasn't my Nan lying there. That was an old woman, so small, and old. I held her hand, and she gripped so hard. I told her I love her, and would miss her, and would never forget her. I told her that I would always remember her whenever I eat Semolina and Ginger Nut biscuits, and said "na-night nanny nicely, bye nanny properly" for that last time, though I didn't know it. She wasn't fully with it, and kept saying "must be quick, must be quick", but when I said "I love you" she opened her eyes, looked at me and said "I love you too." When I left the room I turned and looked at her, and her arm was still stretching out to where I had just been sat. I'm crying now as I write this, and remember the last time I saw her alive. None of us actually thought she would go so fast, so it was still a bit of a shock. When mum and dad walked through the door while I was drying the dishes and L came down the stairs after her shower, I knew there was no other reason they would both be here, home at this time. It broke my heart seeing my dad like that. He cried on my shoulder, but I couldn't cry. I just felt so utterly numb. I think I barely blinked for the next few hours. I've never lost a relative before; I still don't know if I'm grieving right. When I was younger, my Nan was such a big part of my life. I'd spend weekends with her, go out on day trips with her, and spend New Years with her when my parents wanted to see their friends. I will hold so many good memories of her, but sadly, also many bad ones. I can't fully yet banish the images of her over the last few years, each time she was in hospital, each time she got ill again. I've never thought of her as old, but at 85, she had lived such a long life. A fighter through and through was my Nan, surviving wars, heart attacks, a stroke, cancer, nervous breakdowns...but she couldn't win every fight. She couldn't beat time. I still can't believe she's gone. Until now, I haven't cried much, I don't know why, but believe me I'm crying now. I'm going to miss her so much. She can't be gone. My Nan, the invincible woman, how can she be gone? My dad is being so amazing, he's lost his mother but he's staying as strong as he can. Sure, I've seen him cry more this past year that in all the rest of my life put together, but he's the strongest man I know. My sister, who's living in Australia, got to say goodbye to Nan when we did, albeit over the phone. Nan knew who she was talking to. She was so proud of my sister, so proud. I only recently found out that the last thing my Nan said to my sister before she moved away was "if you're going for 3 years I expect I'll never see you again." My sister really wanted to come home the day she said goodbye to Nan, but she's now decided to stay out there, which we all agree is the right thing for her to do. All this does make me miss my sister, which I haven't really done for a while. It's hard that he doesn't know everything that's gone on this year, but it's the right thing in the circumstances.

So as it stands, Nan’s funeral will be this Tuesday coming. I've never been to a funeral before, and in a way I think I hoped I never would. I don't want to have to say goodbye. But my Nan will live forever, where it really matters; in our hearts.

I'll always love you Nan, and I miss you more than words can say. I hope you're as proud of me as I am of you, proud I had you in my life, proud that I had you as my Nan. You will be my inspiration, to keep fighting, to keep living as I want to. I will not let this beat me, I will not. You never did. No matter what life did, you held your head high and carried on. You loved your boys, you loved their wives and you loved us, their children. You loved so much, and I will miss you so, so much. We all will. You kept fighting. Right til the very end when you still kept trying to take those bandages off! I will make you proud. I will. I love you Nan. I miss you. Please stay with me. Please help me live as you lived- with love and kindness, as I knew you. Na-night nanny nicely, goodbye nanny properly. You will NEVER be forgotten.

You can't see how much I'm crying right now. But I think I needed that. Writing that, and crying now, I need to cry. I haven't done enough of it recently really. Mum keeps telling me it's ok to cry, and I know it is, but I'm always afraid I won't be able to stop. This year has been, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst of my life. I won't be sorry to see the back of it...but I think I'll stay at home this New Year.

As for things with L...well...!
I feel tired and worn out now but I know how therapeutic writing is for me, and I know if I don't do this now I never will.
Basically, on the Saturday before the trial I think it was, L sent me a text that said something like "I love you more than you realise" so I replied with "Are you trying to tell me something?"
To be honest, I was mainly joking! I didn't think she would reply with "Well yes I am, but it's not the right time to tell you are it?” In the lead up to the trial, we didn't talk much about it, but apparently it was obvious to my SOLO and the other police officer in charge that something was going on! After Friday, L came home with us and stayed the night. I think we were all feeling on a bit of a strange high, I know I was. Having done my bit, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and we all relaxed with a few drinks. When we went up to bed conversation eventually came to what had been said in the texts the other night. Long story short (ha! I hear you cry!) she told me that she had feelings for me and wanted more than just friendship and I said I wasn't sure how I felt, but that I know I love her and she's my best friend and I don't ever want to lose her. The weekend was...interesting. There was a new level to our friendship that we both had to get used to, but it was nice. Flirtier jokes and comments, and texts between us that sometimes shocked me and made me grin a little at the same time. But it was nice. And after the trial, I came to realise that I did feel the same for her. I would be lying if I said that when I first met her I didn't find her attractive, but as I knew she had a boyfriend I pushed any feelings like that aside if ever they came up. She truly became my best friend, and life would seriously have been shit without her.
But then, after the verdict, things seemed to change.
I know it wasn't easy for her either, and she sat in for his evidence which undoubtedly brought back a lot of unpleasant memories. She went away the next weekend as she had already planned, for a friend’s house warming party, and when she left things didn't feel right. She said she needed some time to think and we'd talk when she got back. Only we didn't. And then she had to go back up to Essex to see him again. And then her closest brother was rushed into hospital, where, as far as I know as she isn't telling me much, he still is. There's also the matter of P, her brothers best friend who she had a thing with a while back, is really close to and is completely in love with her. And basically, it would seem she doesn't know how she feels. He knows about how she says she feels for me, and he was more than a little shocked apparently. Other than him, no one else knows. I just don't know what to do. She's obviously been spending a lot of time with P recently because of her brother, but it's hard. I'm trying to be understanding, and be there for her, but when she doesn't tell me what's going on and when she doesn’t talk to me, it's hard to know what to do. She keeps saying there's a couple of things she's wants to say to me but she also doesn't want to, and that if I push her she won't say anything. I also now know she spent the night with P last night, and whilst she says nothing happened, that he was just there to talk about her brother and then they had a fair few drinks and he just ended up staying, and while I believe her, I'm just struggling. They have a lot of history that I know about, and whilst she says she loves me and misses me when she's not with me, when she's on the phone to him or texting him I find it hard to even be in the same room. I haven't spoken to her about it, because with everything going on in both our lives I don't want to upset the balance, but I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know what's going on between us, between her and P, I don't know how her brother is, and she won't talk to me. She's says she knows she can talk to me about anything and that I'm one of the few people she trusts, but then seems to be holding so much back from me. I don't think it’s just 'jealousy' but I don't know what to do. Blame it on my star sign Taurus or whatever, but when I fall for someone I fall hard. This is only the second time I've ever felt like this, and the other girl I badly fell in love with decided to cut me out of her life when she found out I liked her. I so don't want to lose L, but I don't know what to so.

Things are just stacking up again. When the trial ended, other than the feelings I had over the verdict, I also felt relieved it was over. But now, I think I'm not dealing with it as well as I thought, and now Nan’s gone and the situation with L is getting unbearably painful for me and with everything else, I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed again. I've already regrettably reverted to 'old habits' as it were once and I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I can't switch off, can't relax, can't breathe, can't sleep brilliantly again, despite this glorious new bed. Most days I'm walking round with my head working a mile a minute and freaking out. Mainly about L if I'm honest. I'm just worrying about everything. I don't think my medication is helping massively at the moment, and my psych nurse was planning to change my medication soon so I'm worrying about that too!
Part of me just wants to get fucked hammered and pass out, part of me wants to go and smash things, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and die, part of me wants to scream and shout and cry, but no one part of me can decide what I actually AM going to do.

So right now I'm lying awake crying, worried about L because she was going home tonight to meet with her brothers doctor to discuss his situation and I haven't heard from her, worried about mum and dad, worried about how my brother's coping with Nan being gone, worried about my sister on her own on the other side of the fucking world and wondering what the hell the last 3 months of this shitty year are going to throw at me now.

But other than all of that, everything is rosy in this Finch's garden.

Time to get some sleep now I think. Apologies for the length of this post again, as you can see a lot has been going on since my last post so it was sort of necessary. Thank you once more for your support. I just hope it can be enough.

H.x

Well apparently fucking not.

RE; Last post. Fucking failed. You saw my tweets about it. Monday is nearly here which means viewing my evidence, something I'm obviously not looking forwards to. Then on Tuesday I meet with my barrister and then Wednesday strikes. Oh deepest joy. Sensing sarcasm? Good.

For now, I'm feeling pretty crap after Friday's failure. Basically my driving test was going really quite well, and I came up to the last roundabout before the test center thinking "Oh my god, I'm actually going to do this." And then some git of a van driver decided that it would be fun to get in the wrong lane and then pull out in front of me as I moved because the way looked clear. The examiner had to slam on the brakes and that was it. "Shit. Fuck. Well thats me failed." And it was. Oh well. I had my period of shut down when I got home, then I had a cry, and now I'm feeling a bit better about it. Still feeling shit about it, but slowly realising that although its just one more thing in my life thats gone wrong, it might not actually be the end of the world. My driving instructor texted me today to say that he has booked me another test for the beginning of November, and I text back thanking him but also adding that if there was any chance of a cancellation before then, as long as its not this week obviously, then I'm free for that so it'd be much appreciated. No reply so far.

Apart from that I'm just doing the usual and bumming around, eating and smoking too much and doing too little. My progress in terms of reading is still increasing though, I've read quite a few books and got a few more sitting waiting to be read. I have thus far read and enjoyed; The Twilight series/saga and The Host (Stephanie Meyer), War Horse (Micheal Morpurgo) and... Suddenly I cant for the life of me remember what other ones I've read are and I'll be buggered if I'm going upstairs to check. My 'To Read' list is a little longer; Time Travellers Wife, Altas Shrugged, The God Delusion, The Dice Man, Million Little Pieces, My Friend Leonard, Picture of Dorian Gray, The Great Gatsby and quite a few more. And the book of Let The Right One In and another by the same guy that're on their way to me. So plenty to get through methinks.

Onwards and upwards hey?
I'll try to be on twitter etc as much as I can over the next week, but as I'm sure you can understand things wont exactly be much fun for me so chances are I'll be curled up in a ball somewhere. But I know there's a fair few of you who'll be thinking of me and whose support I can count on, and for that I thank you, more than you will ever now.

Stay safe, play nice, and sleep tight.

H.x

Looming.

Some of the scariest days of my life are looming.

Firstly, tomorrow.
My friend has said I can stay at hers tomorrow night if I want, and I may take her up on that offer. I know things are going to be really strange at home and although I know I'm going to have to be at home sometime it might just be a good thing to give mum and dad some time and space, especially seeing as they'll more than likely be helping my brother move house almost straight after I tell them so wont have time to talk then. Plus it gives me a bit of a chance to chill and just talk to my friend.

Secondly, my driving test.
I'm not going to say when it is until the day before, as I dont want to put even more pressure on myself. Suffice to say its 5 days before the first date at court, so yay for perfect timing. Admittedly, its better than it could have been, as the first date WAS the first day at court but luckily we were able to change it. Having just come back from a driving lesson I can honestly say that I'm genuinely worried I wont be ready in time. I'd hoped I would be ready, considering how many lessons I've had by now, but I dont feel like I am. My driving instructor is still pretty confident I will be though, so I guess I'll just have to trust him on that. And cross my fingers rather hard.

Finally, the trial.
I'm not going to say too much about it at this moment in time, all I can say is that I'm not exactly looking forwards to it.

Stress is getting to me a bit at the moment, and I just know that this next month is going to be really difficult to say the least. 2009 has been a horrible, horrible year, and I cant wait for it to be over. I think this year I'll just stay in and watch Hootenany.

Furio. - Dear Liz.

EDIT: To any twitter friends or anyone who has something to say, I'd rather you posted it here so its all in one place. You can DM me too if you really want, but here would be great.

Ok, so its not entirely often I get angry, but when I do, I get really fucking angry.
Now as most of you will know, especially those of you who have bothered to read any of this blog and/or get to know me at all, this last year has been a bit tough on me, perhaps to say the least. For the most part, bar one or two idiots on twitter who have had a go at me for reasons beyond my control or understanding, I have found most of you twits/twitterers/tweeters/twats/etc to be a charming, lovely and oh so caring bunch. A fair few of you are actually going some way to restore some of my lost faith in humanity. (There's a compliment in there somewhere :P )
But some people aren't so understanding, or nice, or caring. Some people are just plain... twattish.
Now I have explained in the past my reasons for using a 'fake' name on twitter etc, though I feel in light of this I am going to have to do it YET AGAIN.

So, the reason for my fury.
There's a very nice lad on twitter, his name is @Abcmsaj/Alex Dixon, and as I say, he is a very nice young man, if a bit cheeky :P He's very clever when it comes to all things technology, and nice to talk to. I believe he has a lady friend, commonly known as a girlfriend, though I could be wrong. Now, besides the obvious fact, eg. you know, my being gay, there is nothing going on between us. For starters I dont really talk to him that much/enough to constitute anything going on.
However, someone somewhere seems to have other ideas, and is perhaps more than a little jealous of our non-existent relationship.

Now last night, this amiable young fellow alerted me to the fact that this particular person seems to have got the wrong idea, and gone a bit... over the top, shall we say. He pointed me in the direction of her blog, which highlights what seem to be her manufactured issues and, to my mind, slanderous comments. In her post, she says she cannot name names for legal reasons. I have no such qualms. I am here only presenting my 'side of the story' which she seems to have got so magnificently wrong. Also, if I'm going to 'bitch' about someone I'm damn well not going to pussy foot around the issue, and I'll certainly be making her aware of this.

Quite honestly I think all you need to do is read the offending blog post to figure out why I'm quite so peeved (and thats putting it lightly.) so heres the link.

So lets study some evidence, I like going all CSI ;)

Firstly, I dont think it takes a genius to work out that I am the Finch and Mr Dixon is the Birdwatcher, due to a) calling me the Finch, and b) the subtitle - 'Little Feathered Finches'; ironic no, seeing as my name here is FINCH and my blog is called LITTLE FEATHERS? At least try and be subtle my dear. Now feel free to call me paranoid on this front, but if that is the case then be fully prepared for me to tell you to stop talking out of your arse and read it again :)

Now, lets talk through it shall we? Should be fun.

1) Yes I have a 'double identity'. Pure and simple. My reasoning behind this? Well if you must be told again... actually lets put it hypothetically, ask you some questions and see if you cant get your head around it. Sod that, I'm angry about this particular part. Not that I'm under any obligation to explain myself to you little girl, but I'm the type of person who will not stand for being shat on, and thats what I consider this to be. So just imagine you were sexually assaulted 3 hours into the first day of 2009, and had something taken from you, something you can never get back, something that should have been yours and yours alone to give you who you chose, to someone you love and loves you. Say your friends all but deserted you because they were 'fed up' of your clinical depression, pissed off that you were 'no fun' to be around because the attention wasn't all on them, because it hadn't happened to them. Say your 'best' friends had been making homophobic comments to and about you ever since you'd finally worked up the guts to come out them, and ever since the attack they all but increased the intensity. Say your friends probably didn't believe you, that they'd called you a 'crap lesbian' before when a stranger tried to kiss you and didn't believe you when you told them you told him where to stick it, so a part of you cant help but think they just think you're making it up. Say you hadn't had a proper nights sleep in 6 months, always still awake at gone 1AM and not wanting to wake up in the morning. Say all your choices regarding how you live your life from now on were taken away from you, your choice as to when you come out to your parents was wrenched from you, because its the strongest piece of evidence in court. Say you ended up dropping out of college (your high school I think) because everything you'd ever been good at just suddenly vanished. Lets just say you wake up (eventually) on some mornings and want to die, dont think you're strong enough to carry on anymore, strong enough to face the world, strong enough to make the decisions as to whether or not you should bother to fight for those friendships you'd just lost but were all you'd had for the past 16 years. Lets pretend you didn't really like yourself anymore. You hate your own body, and mind, and soul, and you feel like you're letting everyone down. How about if you had so little regard for yourself, were made to believe by shit friends and strangers that you're not worth anything, would you want a little escape? A little place somewhere, where those people weren't, where you could be who you truly feel like you could be, make new friends, new bonds, new strides in your life, wouldn't you do the same? Wouldn't you want to separate it from your other life, at least a little, if you know that those 'friends' would mock your 'internet life' and call you a saddo, weirdo, and like you even less? Wouldn't you want to be someone else? Someone you actually might be able to like, to be proud to be?
Can you maybe comprehend that?
This Finch does have emotion little girl, perhaps too much. This Finch hurts every day, wants to bleed everyday but doesn't want to let her parents down any more. This Finch wants to fly, but is too fucking heavy everywhere. This Finch has a fucking burning, bleeding hole where her choices, plans, and life were. This Finch's heart is fucking heavy, painful, full. This Finch doesn't know for sure where the name she chose came from. Perhaps subconsciously it was for those reasons. For wanting to fly, wanting to soar above all the nay sayers and shit-stirrers and life breakers. Swoop down on those people who ruined my life, made me feel shit every waking day, and open my bowels on their huge, brainless heads. Maybe it was because, as a Finch, I am small yet I am mighty. Who knows. I'd like to think it was all of those reasons, and more.
Is that clear enough to you?
Because until you've been through what I've been through in my 17 years, you can shut the fuck up. If you have, then I am truly sorry. Sorry for your hurt, sorry for your pain, and sorry for the cynical, jealous, and unnecessarily nasty person it has made you. I would never wish my life on anyone. But I am still. fucking. here. Still fighting. Just. By the skin of my teeth I am fighting. (Or should that be with the tips of my wings, or the strength of my beak?) As this demonstrates. I will not stand for being shat on. Being belittled, slandered, 'bitched' about anymore. 17 years of bullying, attacks, assaults, being worn down, can do that to a girl. Which answers one of your other musings. Yes I'm a girl.

Lets see... what else you wondered about, I'll try and clear things up for you.

2) Thank you for calling me special.
3) (answered in 1) I am a girl.
4) My 'feathers', or hair, as I took it to infer, is brown. With a hint of auburn inherited from the grandmother I am (legally, really) named after that I never met. My mothers mother. When the light catches and the auburn shines through, I can see my mother smiling.
5) My eyes are blue. Blue grey to be exact. I've been told in certain lights and at certain angles they might even pass for beautiful. My picture has been very heavily photoshopped to within an inch of its life, to avoid being recognized. I've also been clear about this. I dont like the way I look, I wish I was different, so until I'm confident with my body a bit more, I'll be hiding that way.
6) I wasn't aware I 'psych people out'. I apologize to those I have done this to. I wasn't aware being honest and free with my language could have such a negative impact. Perhaps those of you who find me 'psych out'-y could elaborate for me. I am always open to improving myself in whatever way I can.
7) The Birdwatcher is British, to the best of my knowledge. Perhaps you dont know him very well?
8) He came on very strong? I myself have seen no evidence of this, unless perhaps you communicate via text, private email or some other unseen means. He himself seemed more than a little bewildered by this claim too. From what I have seen, he's a fairly flirty (but otherwise harmless) kind of guy.
9) He's always seemed honest enough to me.
10) Your bullet points. Perhaps I should make some corresponding bullets.

• You said yourself you don't know what I look like, how can he? Have you sent him pictures of yourself? Does he know what you look like? No. If I remember rightly, you and I were the two people on twitter he said he would like to see a picture of, to find out what we look like. So I hardly think that arguement stands up on its own.
• I've never really given him anything, apart from tweets, time and conversation. I dont want to ask what you might have given him...
• What he does or doesn't do in his own time is none of our business. In fact he seems just as interested in technology as you do. Something you have in common. Do you have something 'better to do'?
• Perhaps you could enlighten us with an example? Was talking to you a mistake? Or talking to me? Or talking to us both? Joining twitter?
• I tricked no one. I have been nothing but honest from the start.

11) I would liken myself more to the Medium Ground Finch, if a comparison must be made. I'm not the greatest fan of heights despite my desire to fly, so wouldn't suit high tree life too well. I don't like cacti/cactus'. I don't like wood and I'd rather not peck it. I'm no vegetarian. I consider myself able to hold a tune so would rather not be accused of warbling. I suppose the only other one I could be is the Sharp Beaked Finch. I think you can work that one out yourself.

12) Spotlight Finch? Oh please, you're the one putting me there. I'll tell you the species you forgot girl; the human fucking Finch.
13) Legal reasons? It aint even my real name darling, as we've established. Go ahead, 'name and shame' me.
14) The feeling I give off...

• Feeling A) Already explained this. HUMAN FINCH. FICTIONAL REALITY.
• Feeling B) Once more, you contradict yourself. He knows what I look like no more than you. He can have my DNA if he wants, but I expect he'll be sorely disappointed compared to the picture in his head ;)
• Feeling C) Correct. Correct. Fuck off - how many more times can you miss this? To say I'm lying would have to mean that I haven't been straight with people from the start, which I have. I don't currently have a job, I lost both of those in the aftermath of New Years as I wasn't able to cope, thanks for the reminder. I don't think I'm beautiful, far from it, as established. Is that another back-handed compliment?

15) If I could hiss this I would; I am no fucking hoe, lady.

16) More Finch spottings in the future? 'Bring it bitch'. We'll spot each other yeah?

A separate point. If this is all because you feel hard done by by some guy, why take it out on me? Someone you clearly dont know, have never spoken to before? Why? How have I done you wrong?
And to clarify, I am NOT his girlfriend. Apart from a) my well known sexuality that would pose a problem, there is the fact that b) I've never met him, c) Even if I had, it doesn't guarantee anything, d) I am about as far from interested in anything like that as you can get, for obvious reasons. (Not that you're not a lovely chap Alex, just not quite my type, what with the manhood and everything :P)

Alex hasn't asked me to do anything, if anything I should have asked him if it was ok or if he had any objections to his being mentioned here before I even started writing, but I was going on impulse. I'm doing this because you've upset and angered me. He's a big boy, I'm sure he can take care of himself ;)

Yeah you've made me mad, really quite mad. Angry. Fuming. Rage.
I will NOT lie down and be walked all over any more. For me, there's no dignity in silence any more. If there was, he would have got away with what he did to me.
I'm fighting back against you, against everyone else who's got a problem with me. I've tried to make this as intelligent a counter-post as possible. Sure my language is more than a little rough in places, but sometimes no other word works anywhere near as well as 'fuck'. I hope perhaps anyone reading this can empathise or sympathise even slightly with my stance on this. Things are hard. I've got an even bigger fight on my hands when this finally goes to trial at the end of September. Consider this practice.

This bird's got bite, baby.

courtesy of @liz_is_ep1c at ep1cblog.blogspot.com

PS. I like the little logo thing. I might borrow that now and in future. Inadvertent help, feel proud. Full credit and everything.

Frustratum.

Was originally going to blog about my visit to the zoo yesterday but I think that can wait a while. Because I'm annoyed and completely NOT in the mood.
While I was at the zoo however, I finally managed to get hold of my SOLO, who'd been trying to get hold of me and we kept missing each other. I've arranged for her to come round sometime after I come back from London next Sunday to help me come out to my parents. Agreeing to that felt very real. Decided, partly on the advice from many of you here and on twitter, that its probably the best way forwards to tell them with her present. It will probably be the biggest test of my courage, just even saying the words.
So I'm stressing about that. Just a little.
I'm going to try and relax and enjoy the time in London though. I decided to do it after we come back from London and not before as I wouldn't want any shadows hanging over what is essentially our holiday.
In other news I also finally got a date for the court visit. Basically this will just be a 'grand tour' of the court, so I can see the size, layout, where I'll be, where he'll be etc and get a feel of the place. It'll be then that I'll decide whether or not to keep the special measures in place, or whether I feel I can be strong enough to just stand up there. I'm not sure yet.
And now we have the pc man round trying to sort out our wireless network with mum and dads new pc's and my macbook. And the fucking macbook wont connect. Grrrr.
So that's stressing me out too.
In general yes, I'm more than a bit stressed. And I realise this is just ANOTHER post about me being stressed, but its a big part of my life right now is this bastard stress!
But I did have a very nice day at the zoo yesterday, which I will blog about sometime when I can get my photos sorted, as they're on the macbook.

Getting to me.

All this stress is kind of getting to me now. Been pushing everything to the back of my mind every day, but sitting just listening to music I've got nothing really to distract my attention.
Stressed about my driving.
Stressed about the court case.
Stressed about the verdict and what I'm scared it'll be, judging by statistics.
Stressed about coming out to my parents.
Stressed about my weight.
Stressed about my friends.
FREAKING OUT basically.
And it's making me worry that I might not be able to stop myself from reverting to old habits of stress relief.

Clash.

Where to start? I have GOT to update this thing more often!

The rabbits are now genderless. That's one way to kick this thing off! First they were both boys, then they were both girls so we booked them in to be spayed. One more sexing before the op, just to check; bloody good job they did because it turns out Yoshi IS a boy. Spud is still definately a little girl apparently. Well, was. Now neither of them have any bits. Having to keep an eye on the wounds and stitches, especially in Spud's case as her op was much more invasive than Yoshi's. Both of them took a bit of time to get back to normal, again Spud more so than Yoshi, but they're both back to their cheeky mischievous selves by now! Possibly the remainder of their hormones as it were, are still kicking around as they're still a little aggressive at the minute, but that should calm down.

I PASSED MY THEORY TEST!
Thinking about it I should have led with that really...hmmm. But yes, I passed. 49/50 on the multiple choice and 62/75 on the hazard perception test, which is a good score I think! That was about the first thing we had to celebrate in a while, so we bought a cake :) with the Stig on it :) seemed appropriate!
My practical driving test has been booked and my instructor told me the date today...the same date as the provisional date for the trial. Great. Another dose of bad luck.

Had my first appointment at CAMHS on Tuesday, after ringing to book an appointment, being told that the earliest they could offer me an appointment was September, and telling them in no uncertain terms that while I appreciate they have waiting lists, I need 'help' soon now. So she pulled some strings and got me an appointment with the case-screening guy which I was pleased about until I actually HAD the appointment. To start with he was nice enough and seemed to listen, but by the end of it I just felt like I really hadn't been listened to properly. All I'd got out of it was him saying he would book an appointment with someone I've already had an appointment with (but it wont be the same obviously, because she works in two departments and this time I see her, it'll be in a different capacity. Sure.) for as soon as possible, which is still likely to be months away. As I say, by the time I left I felt worse than when I'd gone in. I went to CAMHS because I have been worried about my mental health for years now, and over the last 8 months these concerns have got worse. No matter how much I stressed to him that while what had happened to me in January wasn't exactly the most savoury experience, the problems I am now worrying about are NOT because of it, as it were. As I've said to my parents and to him, in most respects I am actually over what happened. I've accepted it wasn't my fault and I'm moving on from it as much as I can ( at least until the trial ), so my mental health problems which are why I was even AT CAMHS and have been worrying about for YEARS are what I need help with. But according to him it sounds like I'm just suffering from 'post-traumatic stress and anxiety'. Yes. Obviously. So apparently a trauma happened years ago that I can't remember that has resulted in me feeling like I'm going crazy. Fuck off.

That debacle and the whole driving-test-on-the-same-day-as-the-provisional-trial-date has only left me with a sense of despair to be honest. Despair at the system, the fucked up system. The legal system where it takes 8 months to even get a provisional trial date, 8 months to get a possible date to try and prosecute this bastard. 8 months of waiting, of not being told what's going on, of not knowing. Despair. Despair at a system where someone who has concerns over their mental health, and has done for years, someone your system is 'aware' of, who 'meets your criteria' for help, yet is pushed from pillar to post, person to person, department to department, never getting the help and need. Is it any wonder that people disappear, or worse, when the system fails them so utterly and repeatedly? I was prosecuted for a lesser crime and that took no time at all, yet I've got this suffocating shadow of a trial constantly over me, its at the back of my mind yes, as much as I can keep it there, but each time it creeps forwards I just cant take it. Yes, I am 'over' what happened in some sense. But that doesnt mean I'm particularly relishing the thought of standing in the same room as him, answering questions, hearing his lies and watching my friends no doubt get a grilling. But I have to wait, dont I. I have to suffer even more, never able to fully move on until after the trial, but never knowing for definate when it'll be.

But that's the system isn't it? The ones who need help, the ones who are the 'victims' if you like, are the ones who are failed. Time is on his side, in a way. He gets longer to decide how to try and make me look like a liar, drags it out. And in terms of CAMHS, well, what are they playing at. Another system that's failing people. I just dont know what to do about this whole situation.

All I know is that there is a Plea Case Management Hearing this Friday where the trial date SHOULD be fixed. If it isn't I think a very big part of me will be angry. If it is and its fixed for the same day as my driving test (which he picked for that day because it was a brilliant time of day as well) well, then I have yet more thinking to do. Do I take the test the same week, week before, week after, what? I just dont know! Everything is just so frustrating! Not to mention my sleeping is still up the shit.

I've kind of run out of things to say, which is a first. Oh no, wait I haven't, but it'll wait for another day. Or in about 5 minutes time, whichever I feel like more :)

Final warning; Chapter closed...

...but to be revisited at some point in the future.

Care to explain? Of course.
So this evening I went to my local police station to receive my final warning. All in all it went ok. The sargeant or whoever he was, was a very nice man who seemed fairly sympathetic to my situation, and the seemingly random woman in the corner (who turned out to be from the Youth Offending Team) was equally so. He admitted that initially, upon reading the case notes and statements from the bouncers etc, he was all ready to get me banned from al pubs and clubs in Exeter, but that after reading the background and talking to me, he realised that really wasn't necessary. Something to be thankful for. He did what I presume is the usual "what have you learnt from this?" things, and spoke about how important it is that I learn to balance my medication with alcohol etc. But in general he seemed to understand why what had happened had happened, and expressed his sympathies for the shit life's thrown at me recently.

Then he threw a little curve ball at me.


He first explained that a final warning is basically a "does what it says on the tin" jobby, in that if I get into any more trouble with the police, it'll be a caution and/or prosecution. Then he asked me what I wanted to do in my future life, career wise. I was a little confused but not overly worried, so told him that one of my passions has always been teaching, so that'd be something I'd want to persue in the future.

Upon my saying the word "teaching" he gave the YOT rep a little look. Ah. A problem.

Basically, long story short when it comes to a final warning, although it is not a criminal record and so when applying for normal jobs I wont have to tick "yes" to the criminal question, it is the kind of information still held on me. So when I apply for any job that calls for an extended CRB check, (eg teaching) then it will be available to the employer. I was advised by the YOT rep that in such a case, its much better to 'own up' as it were, tell them before they ask you why you were hiding it when they do a check, and then I'm more than likely to get a chance to explain the situation and how/why it happened. The fact that it happened when I was 17, following another trauma, was basically a case of self-defense that went a little too far and that it was classed as common assault (the lowest form of assault), meant that the sargeant was inclined to think that it would be surprising if an employer were not to act sympathetically about it. Talking to my dad too, he told me that people have got jobs as a teacher with much worse on their records, so I probably shouldn't be too worried. Although that may be the case, there is obviously a part of me that is upset by that revelation. It just feels like one more thing that could possibly affect my future, and that makes me a bit angry as well as sad.

But that aside, that chapter is closed. The 'to be revisited in the future' of this blog title obviously refers to the fact that the warning could crop up on an extended CRB check. But the chapter is closed.

Now for the rest of the fucking book...

Sleeping to a final warning.

Firstly, you may notice that this blog has changed colour :) I've been debating since this blog's inception whether to go for the black or white, and having initially gone for the white I decided to change for a while. Whimsical, I know.

I realise I haven't really properly updated in a while, and its not because I've been tremendously busy, but due to lack of energy really. All this sitting around, sleeping, watching television and doing bugger all can really take it out of a girl. But seeing as I'm awake at half 3 in the morning again unable to sleep, just for a change, I thought I might as well.
As you may be aware, sleep has been a real problem for me recently. I've never been the greatest sleeper, and while I was at high school (especially in the last two years) I would usually get to sleep at about midnight and then have to be up at about 6.30AM; cue falling asleep in various lessons. My sleep pattern didn't really fix any when I moved up to college, in fact it got worse. Whereas I'd usually struggle to sleep before midnight, it was now nearer 1AM before I'd finally feel able to sleep, and then I'd hate getting up in the mornings (though you could just put that down to me being a typical teenager).
Now my sleep pattern is basically a pile of stinking, humming shit. I'm lucky if I get to sleep before 3AM most nights, but more frequently I find myself still not able to sleep at about 4/4.30AM. Last night I was still awake at 5AM.

It's really actually a problem; besides the obvious annoyance of not being able to get to sleep, it means that I'm often still asleep in bed approaching mid-day, so I'm losing out. But its a destructive pattern. I cant get to sleep but then I do I wake up late, but then I'm still up at stupid-o'clock so I'm up late again...etc. And it's not like I'm not tired at 3 in the morning, of course I am, but apparently with my body feeling so utterly tired that my eyes are burning and my muscles are screaming, isn't possibly good enough to warrant sleep. I can be so tired that my eyes are closing, but the minute I lay down in that bed, I wont sleep. It's endlessly frustrating, so that becomes a cycle of its own.
I was prescribed some fairly mild sleeping tablets a while back, at my own request, but for some reason I'm too scared to take them. Although some days I feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up again, when I think about taking the sleeping tablet, I'm petrified that I wont wake up. Rationally, of course I know it wont happen, but there's a part of me that says, "So what if doctors and scientists have done tests, so what if this is a mild dose, what if there's something weird about my body and I have a reaction and dont wake up?" etc. Mad I know.

So I here I am stuck in another quandry, a ridiculous and frustrating cycle that I cant break. Might as well put it to good use, right?

The last you heard from me was a short boring post generally updating you on my life's more mundane going-ons, and that all still stands. That whole list of things I want to get done is still just as long, minus maybe one or two magazines from the stack. It's another current frustration that there are things I need and want to get done, to start doing things and getting back to normal again, but I just have no energy. Some of that is due to the weight issues too, but thats for another day.

I guess the main thing to report is regarding the assault saga. As you may remember, as it recently stood, I went to court and my solicitor recommended, in simpletons terms, that the fact I was being charged was ridiculous seeing as I've never been in trouble before and in light of recent events, and that I should receive a final warning at most. The prosecution agreed and the court agreed to a three week adjournment. The papers would be sent to the police for them to arrange for me to go to my local police station on one the slots on Tuesdays where they give out final warnings, to be given mine. If I didnt hear from the police in the three weeks alloted I would have to go back to court this Wednesday for it to be adjourned yet again until the police get their arses in gear.

Last Thursday I had an appointment with my support worker for my other case, and I mentioned to her that I hadnt yet heard from the police and I would ideally like to not have to go back to court again, so she said that she'd try and find out what was happening, seeing as part of her job is that she has a bit of influence with the police. The next day I got a phone call from her to tell me that she'd had a word with a friendly officer who would get me on the list for this Tuesday's time slot, and that as a letter would take too long to reach me before Wednesday's court date, an officer would have to come round and inform me. Apparently this kind of situation cant be handled over the telephone, it has to be done in person. The officer she had spoken to, however, works nights, so unless he could assign it to another officer on patrol I would be getting a knock on the door some time after 10pm. In some ways this would have been preferable, as the neighbours would have been less likely to see uniformed cops at the door and wonder what was going on (as it was, my next door neighbours, the nosiest and most gossipy neighbours ever known to live next door to anyone, were away, but there are other eyes around!), but alas, things never go simply for me do they. Shortly after she spoke to me on the phone the doorbell rang. Now I'm not too keen on people at the moment, and seeing as I jump and get nervous over most noises I was more than a little nervous when I heard it go. But upon popping my head round the living room doorframe it was obvious who it was. I really had to try not to laugh though when I opened the door to see a male officer about 7ft tall and a female officer who was about 4ft tall. They couldn't have been all that much more pc if they'd tried. They did the usual "are you so-and-so? You were accused of blah-de-blah" and then told me that I had to go to my local police station at 6.30PM that Tuesday to receive a final warning. As soon as I shut the door to them I immediately panicked - did they say 6.30? or was it 6? half 5? no, definately half 6...yes? Silly fool.
From the kitchen I could then see them loitering outside my gate for a good 5 minutes as they radioed on their walkie talkies, and I mentally thanked them for adding to the neighbourly intrigue.

So as of 6.30PM today (being Tuesday, thanks to stupid o'clock) one nasty chapter will be over. As long as all runs to plan. Which I really shouldn't have just said should I?...bugger. One nasty chapter of this tiring, gloomy, dragging slog of a book that I like to call my life, will be over. It's just one more strange, nasty and surreal chapter, but I can at least say goodbye to it.

For now, I am going to have a technically-not-allowed cigarette out of the window, and then try and get to sleep. I expect to wake up at around 2PM tomorrow. Of course, what happens when I do get to sleep, well, thats another story for another blog entry, for another day...

Retreat.

So it's 03.49 by my phone as I start writing this, as I finally get to bed. The reason for my late bed time is a good heartfelt chat with my mother. Somehow we always end up having these big talks were I pour my heart out in the small hours. Not had so many recently, and with things being so strained at home over the last few days it was good to bond again. It started off talking about driving, with us both sat on the sofa and mum teaching me how to drive :) you see, I sent off for my provisional liscence the other day and on fathers day mum has said I can drive her car :) god knows how we got from that to me talking about how shit I feel, crying lots and then crying some more over my friends.
Basically at the end of it all, my mum spoke wisely; (Not that she didn't throughout the chat) I need help. Professional help. There's so many unaddressed issues I need to deal with and I can't start to heal and move on with my life unless I do.
And then she said something that I thought would upset me, but didn't. "If it came to it, and if it's possible, do you think going away somewhere for a month or so would help?" Admittedly yes at first I thought she was suggesting a holiday, but then realised what she meant. She tried to sweeten it but basically she meant would I be up for something like rehab, or a retreat somewhere with the right kind of psychological help on tap 24/7 and the right kind of facilities, if I thought it would help or would be worth a shot.
And the funny thing is, the more I think about it, the more ok that sounds. Sure, I don't want to be a 'nutter' but if it would help then surely it's worth a try? Certainly, at the minute I'm definately not getting the right support I need, and being at home not feeling able to leave the house, and being so close to everything and everyone that's added to my problems over the years, isn't doing my any good. So maybe getting away for a while would be the right thing for me. Definately worth a think, right?

But right now I need to cut this short and dead and get some sleep. Which should be easier said than done with all the bloody morning birds outside twittering and twatting around.

Morning all. Wake well.


iPhone post

Birthday's and bail.

Ok so now it's about time.
As some of you will be aware I recently celebrated my birthday, (though I use term 'celebrated' loosely) and it ended a little unsatisfactorily [sic] with me being arrested.
The next day when I tweeted about it I understandably received a lot of questions, all roughly along the lines of 'What Theee Fuck'. And I decided I'd answer. Because today I make bail.


Basically on my birthday I went drinking down at a local pub with a load of friends, then 3 of us moved on into town and went to a club. Ironically enough I was let in for free and given a free shot cos it was my birthday! We weren't in there for long and then everything kicked off. Now something you have to understand is that after the events of new years eve I hate anybody touching me, unwanted or unexpected physical contact freaks me out now. I hate that I hate it but thats the way it is. On that night (ny) I didn't fight back as much as I should have, I was too scared and I couldn't. So on my birthday, this is what happened.

Yes, I was drunk, it was my birthday and I'd been drinking since 12 pm steadily, but I wasn't wankered. One of the friends I was with was staying at my house and the other lived nearby so we were giving him a lift home, and I got a text from my dad at about 12/1am saying him and mum were outside. I found the friends and we began to leave. I got a cigarette out and had it in one hand and my lighter in the other ready to light it as soon as I got outside and all of a sudden -WHAM.

Something slammed into me out of nowhere and pushed me against the wall. "You're leaving!" shouted a womans voice in my ear. This I knew very well, seeing as I was on my way out, and I told her so. "Yes I am, the exit's that way." I went to carry on in the direction of the door when I was pushed again. Something kicked in and I pushed back. Then it all happened so fast. There was hair pulling on both parts, then there were arms holding mine behind my back and an arm across my neck and face, so I bit down hard. I remember going to leave again and a guy stopped me saying "You just assualted one of my bar staff." and I replied along the lines of "Oh yeah of course you'd believe her she works here. I'm just someone who comes and spends all her money here!" Then I got angry again and the next thing I know hands are all over me and I'm being pushed against a wall. I'm growling and screaming an someone kicks the backs of my legs to get me to the ground. I'm on the floor and pushed right up against the wall, my arms held behind my back and my face against the wall. Suddenly I can hear my dad and he's trying to get these bouncers off of me because he knows how I can't stand people touching me. I remember being pretty much in hysterics and shouting about what happened at NY's and the air was blue with my language. I kept shouting how if they just got off me I'd stay still and do whatever but they pushed me into the floor even more. Next thing I know, I try pulling my hands free once more and experience blinding pain in my wrists as I realize I've been handcuffed. Then I'm dragged to my feet and feel my trousers falling down. I beg the police officers to let me pull them up but they don't. "it's your fathers hands that are on you." they say as my trousers are pulled up. Im then carried off like an animal and thrown in the back of a riot van. On the way to the van I can hear my dad pleading with them, and see a brief flash of my mother being pushed aside as she tries to get to me.

At the station the woman on the desk is a right hard faced bitch. She tells me to take off my jacket and sweatband, put my arms out on the desk and asks me "Have you ever tried to hurt yourself or done so?" I look at my clearly visible scars and say "What do you think." So I have to take my belt off. And empty my pockets of everything which is when I realise my phone has gone missing. I turn and ask the female officer who brought me in if she can get R*****, the officer in charge of my other case. She tells me to take off my shoes.

I'm taken to a cell and I sit on the floor crying and for some reason, praying out loud. At one point I ask God if he's punishing me for being gay, and tell him I'll be straight if he just makes everything stop.
After a while I climb onto the hard bed and try to sleep. 2 minutes later I throw up over the side of the bed and pretty much pass out.

Sometime the next day I meet with the solicitor, am questioned, have finger prints and mug shots taken and then I'm taken back to my cell. The vomit is still there.

Eventually, at what turns out to be 5pm (I was questioned at 11 and told it shouldn't be too much longer before I can go home) I'm released. Everything is given back to me including, (and I found this odd) the two pieces of ID that weren't mine. My parents are there, hug me and take me home.

Since then, my parents have said they're not angry with me, they understand, and more than anything they're worried this is going to send me backwards in my recovery as it were.

Now I'm on my way to the police station to answer bail. I've been told that it's more than likely I'll just be given a caution, due to the fact that this is my first offence, my age and other circumstances. If I am given a caution, I've been told to accept it. If this is the case, there will be a part of me that wants to fight this. I have always had a very high sense of injustice and it has kicked in over all this. I accept I did wrong but not that it was unprovoked and started by me, so I may have to swallow what remaining pride I have left in my life and take it. At least that way this latest fuck up in my life will be over.
We shall have to see.

I've left out a lot of what I want to say but I've said a lot that I needed to say too. I expect I'll be posting again this evening with what happens at the police station.