Saturday, 23 May 2009

A soppy moment.

Ok so this doesn't happen too often, but I'm feeling in a very soppy mood right now.
I'm sitting in the car listening to Girls Aloud - Whole Lotta History, on my way to London to see the Girls themselves, thanks to my wonderful friend who bought us tickets to see them for my birthday :) and suddenly feeling rather...happy?

Despite all the shit thats happened to me over the past 5years, and the worst of it over the past 6months, and despite the fact that it's about to get worse before it gets better due to various court cases, and despite the ridiculous ease with which the sun burns me meaning I currently look like a tomato and feel like my skin has been coated with chilli sauce, I suddenly feel content.

I know I have a lot of battles to fight over the coming months, with a court case as a victim thats taken far too long to happen ad another case as a defendant thats happening far too quickly in comparison, as well as having to face the fact that I have to come out to my parents by August 14th* and the fact that a war seems to have been waged once more between my friends and I, and THEN there's all the emotional internal battles I will continue to face, it's days like this I feel like I can cope.

I have two parents who, despite all the history in our family, have really come through for me in these difficult months, and whom I love more than ever.
I have one friend who I have only known for roughly 7 months, but who has become so important to me. She's been through a fair bit herself, and is a brilliant and lovely person.
I have my oldest friend, who despite my occaisonal fears and frustrations that she isn't there for me as much as I need her to be, is really pulling through for me.
I have a few remaining friends who haven't waged war with me, who continue to keep in contact and want to see me. (Its a shame I'm borderline agrophobic most of the time now then lol).
I also have, as many of you will know, the cutest, sweetest, most cuddly and soft rabbit in the world. I neglected him for too long and we're finally building up a relationship again, and I'm realising I am very much a rabbit person :)
And lastly, but by no means leastly, I have you lot. You blog-reading, lovely twittering bunch of freaks ;) amongst who are some of the most caring, wise and lovable people I have ever heard of.

Something has kicked in today that makes me feel capable, invincible almost. I don't know how long this will last, probably not nearly as long as I need it to, but I'm going to drink it in while I can.

As an update to my last post where I told you the events of my birthday and that I was on my way to the police station to hopefully just receive a caution, I have news. And it ain't great. Instead of a caution I am being charged with not one (as I would have expected) but TWO counts of assualt. I won't say too much as I'm in a good mood at the moment and would like it to stay that way, just that I'm due in court in a matter of weeks and am meeting a solicitor next Tuesday to discuss options.

Other than that, I shall bid you farewell for now, although I shall still be on twitter daily :)

I hope everyone enjoys the Bank Holiday weekend, I know I will!


*as an explanation; I have to come out to my parents by August 14th as that is the date of my other court case where my sexuality will actually strengthen my case, and I don't want my parents finding something like that out in a public arena.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Birthday's and bail.

Ok so now it's about time.
As some of you will be aware I recently celebrated my birthday, (though I use term 'celebrated' loosely) and it ended a little unsatisfactorily [sic] with me being arrested.
The next day when I tweeted about it I understandably received a lot of questions, all roughly along the lines of 'What Theee Fuck'. And I decided I'd answer. Because today I make bail.

Basically on my birthday I went drinking down at a local pub with a load of friends, then 3 of us moved on into town and went to a club. Ironically enough I was let in for free and given a free shot cos it was my birthday! We weren't in there for long and then everything kicked off. Now something you have to understand is that after the events of new years eve I hate anybody touching me, unwanted or unexpected physical contact freaks me out now. I hate that I hate it but thats the way it is. On that night (ny) I didn't fight back as much as I should have, I was too scared and I couldn't. So on my birthday, this is what happened.

Yes, I was drunk, it was my birthday and I'd been drinking since 12 pm steadily, but I wasn't wankered. One of the friends I was with was staying at my house and the other lived nearby so we were giving him a lift home, and I got a text from my dad at about 12/1am saying him and mum were outside. I found the friends and we began to leave. I got a cigarette out and had it in one hand and my lighter in the other ready to light it as soon as I got outside and all of a sudden -WHAM.

Something slammed into me out of nowhere and pushed me against the wall. "You're leaving!" shouted a womans voice in my ear. This I knew very well, seeing as I was on my way out, and I told her so. "Yes I am, the exit's that way." I went to carry on in the direction of the door when I was pushed again. Something kicked in and I pushed back. Then it all happened so fast. There was hair pulling on both parts, then there were arms holding mine behind my back and an arm across my neck and face, so I bit down hard. I remember going to leave again and a guy stopped me saying "You just assualted one of my bar staff." and I replied along the lines of "Oh yeah of course you'd believe her she works here. I'm just someone who comes and spends all her money here!" Then I got angry again and the next thing I know hands are all over me and I'm being pushed against a wall. I'm growling and screaming an someone kicks the backs of my legs to get me to the ground. I'm on the floor and pushed right up against the wall, my arms held behind my back and my face against the wall. Suddenly I can hear my dad and he's trying to get these bouncers off of me because he knows how I can't stand people touching me. I remember being pretty much in hysterics and shouting about what happened at NY's and the air was blue with my language. I kept shouting how if they just got off me I'd stay still and do whatever but they pushed me into the floor even more. Next thing I know, I try pulling my hands free once more and experience blinding pain in my wrists as I realize I've been handcuffed. Then I'm dragged to my feet and feel my trousers falling down. I beg the police officers to let me pull them up but they don't. "it's your fathers hands that are on you." they say as my trousers are pulled up. Im then carried off like an animal and thrown in the back of a riot van. On the way to the van I can hear my dad pleading with them, and see a brief flash of my mother being pushed aside as she tries to get to me.

At the station the woman on the desk is a right hard faced bitch. She tells me to take off my jacket and sweatband, put my arms out on the desk and asks me "Have you ever tried to hurt yourself or done so?" I look at my clearly visible scars and say "What do you think." So I have to take my belt off. And empty my pockets of everything which is when I realise my phone has gone missing. I turn and ask the female officer who brought me in if she can get R*****, the officer in charge of my other case. She tells me to take off my shoes.

I'm taken to a cell and I sit on the floor crying and for some reason, praying out loud. At one point I ask God if he's punishing me for being gay, and tell him I'll be straight if he just makes everything stop.
After a while I climb onto the hard bed and try to sleep. 2 minutes later I throw up over the side of the bed and pretty much pass out.

Sometime the next day I meet with the solicitor, am questioned, have finger prints and mug shots taken and then I'm taken back to my cell. The vomit is still there.

Eventually, at what turns out to be 5pm (I was questioned at 11 and told it shouldn't be too much longer before I can go home) I'm released. Everything is given back to me including, (and I found this odd) the two pieces of ID that weren't mine. My parents are there, hug me and take me home.

Since then, my parents have said they're not angry with me, they understand, and more than anything they're worried this is going to send me backwards in my recovery as it were.

Now I'm on my way to the police station to answer bail. I've been told that it's more than likely I'll just be given a caution, due to the fact that this is my first offence, my age and other circumstances. If I am given a caution, I've been told to accept it. If this is the case, there will be a part of me that wants to fight this. I have always had a very high sense of injustice and it has kicked in over all this. I accept I did wrong but not that it was unprovoked and started by me, so I may have to swallow what remaining pride I have left in my life and take it. At least that way this latest fuck up in my life will be over.
We shall have to see.

I've left out a lot of what I want to say but I've said a lot that I needed to say too. I expect I'll be posting again this evening with what happens at the police station.

Friday, 8 May 2009

Off the cuff - hang on.

So this is just going to be a brief precursor to something bigger brewing which is likely to come to fruition over the next few days, but just need a splurge.

Those of you on twitter will be aware that my birthday celebrations ended badly, and as a result of this I am in a somewhat SHIT state of mind, which may/will undoubtedly come across in my tweets. Please excuse and allow this (hopefully) temporary blip in normal service. I hope that in time I will get back to being my normal sparkling, witty, scintilating self. *cough cough* WTF is normal anyway? I digress...

In other words, I have a lot to work through at the moment and while in an ideal world it would not keep me down for long, it would seem that, as has been regrettably proved many times over recent months, this is far from an ideal world, so I will be down but not-yet-but-I-wouldn't-hold-your-breath-if-I-were-you out (you may take a breath now).

I am hoping to write a much needed longer entry sometime soon, as much for my benefit as for that of my readers, though I thank those of you who have expressed concern, interest and desire to read the sordid details of my life ;)
I find blogging rather theraputic...aside from the benefits of normal therapy and counselling, it provides (in my case) an annonymous platform to splurge/divludge/spill/bleed my woes that thus far in my life has proved beneficial to me.

Many people on here and twitter have come to mean a lot to me, not only for their own inspirational strengths and lives, but also for what seems to be a genuine care and concern for me. Some of these people have been so very supportive to me, and as most of you reading this are likely to be older and (possibly) wiser than me, the nuggets of advice I have received I am most grateful for.

Basically I'm rambling now, which was not my intention. I merely came to say that while I am working through shit, please bear with me. I find this (albeit rather public) arena useful to me, and would dearly love to feel the same about it for some time to come. As I say, I will be writing a bit of an explanation of what's been going on soon, an while part of my reason for doing so is rooted in the fact that people have asked me "what's going on?", it is mostly because I need to say a lot.

Thank you for being so patient, kind and caring. And to those of you I mentioned earlier re being important twitter people, I think some of you know who you are. Please don't ever go away, or change :)