Merry Christmas!

It's been too long! I know I've been crap at keeping up to date with this blog, but I've just had so much going on that this wasnt my priority. Suffice to say, plenty of shit has happened.

Long story short, failed my driving test for the second time, scattered nan's ashes, and am no longer friends with L by the looks of it. Fun times.

Anyway, it's Christmas! And typically of this charming year, I'm feeling ill, my muscles feel all funny and I feel like I could throw up at any minute. Oh yay.
Still, 2009 is nearly over. God I cant tell you how good it feels to type and say that. "2009 is nearly over!!!!" Almost as good as I expect it'll feel to say it actually is over. Nearly there.

I'm not going to write a long gushing post now, though I'm sure that'll come soon, but just to say Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this (hello you two! ;P) and to all my followers on twitter etc. I hope this holiday season is filled with fun, love and family, and that you stuff yourselves silly on chocolate and turkey alike :) Oh, and if you actually have snow, I'm jealous. Apparently Exeter is the only place in the country not to get snow, and I am NOT happy about that!

Merry Christmas everyone :)

H.x

Wish; take two.

For fucks sakes. I wrote all this out once then blogpost crashed on me and didn't save it, so I'm going to have to try and remember everything I fucking said!

EDIT: I think I've managed to remember everything if said the first time round, but it might all seem a bit jumbled, just for a change.

Basically, I'm sitting in bed wishing L would text me or call me.
She just doesn't seem to talk to me about anything.
I haven't got a clue what's going on with her brother, with her and P, or even between her and I for that matter.
I think she's worked out that I struggle to be around when she's on the phone to P, but it seems like that annoys her more than anything. I kind of get that, as from the off she said that nothing would ever happen between them, but it's still no walk in the park.
Things just seem so strained between us. There's things I want to ask and say, but don't want to because I don't want to fuck things up. It's killing me that my falling for her may well cause me to lose her. I told her I don't ever want to lose her when she told me how she felt, and she simply said I wouldn't. I just can't be so sure.
I was round hers for a bit earlier and things just seemed so much more...awkward. We laughed and joked but then seemed to run out of steam and gave up, just sat there. Then she asked if I'd been cutting again. I lied of course, but she knew anyway. She said at one point; "I really wish you wouldn't." One minute I think she doesn't feel anything anymore and then she says things that confuse me. Then she asked me why. I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I couldn't tell her that I did it because I don't know where my head is going, or even IF it's going. That the situation with her, or lack of one or whatever, is driving me to distraction. That I'm not dealing with the verdict as well as I thought, or with losing nan. I told her that things just got too much for me again, which while true, still felt like a lie. I can't work out how she feels about it either, obviously she doesn't like it but I don't know if she's angry.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, probably because, as I've said before, I find this therapeutic.
I'm not ashamed that I'm an ex-self harmer, though I suppose I should lose the 'ex' there, because my scars make ne who I am. It's peoples reactions that get to me the most. 'Emo', 'attention seeking' and so on. Ignorant stupid reactions, and if there's one thing I hate it's ignorance. People don't understand it, but think they've got it sussed. And they haven't. At all.
When I cut again, it was the first time for roughly a year. To be honest I think I've done well to last as long as I have, but now I'm scared the floodgates will open up again and I won't be able to stop doing it again.
I guess it's just another battle.
It's the not knowing that's killing me.
If she does still have feelings for me, and wants something, then great. If she doesn't, then I need to know. Maybe I'll be able to go away for a bit with someone and sort my head out, try and get rid of any feelings so I can still be friends with her. Because romantic feelings aside, she is my best friends. She has been my rock this past year I've known her, and I just can't face losing her. When all my other friends fucked off, she stayed. I feel like I'm letting her down. She says she realised she had feelings for me around the time of my birthday, and that she was pretty much 'in love' with me not long after. But I'm not the same person as I was then. Im vastly overweight, have zero conficence and I'm a complete mess. Then again, that was all true when she told me how she felt, and when I said that she said she didn't care, it didn't matter.
The other issue is whether she does move away. I know she hasn't been overly happy here in Exeter for a while now, and I think visiting her friend up in Essex has only heightened any desire to move away. I know she's been looking at jobs up there. I've just got this gut wrenching image of her moving to Essex with P and living happily ever after with him, leaving me here on my own again. If she does go, I really will be on my own. But I don't think she'd stay for me.
I just need to know what's going on.
It's H's 18th birthday do tomorrow evening, and while I know a lot of undesirables will be there I said I'd pop in for a drink or two. L said she'd come too and then maybe we'd go somewhere after for something to eat. Maybe we'll talk then. Maybe she'll suggest or ask me to stay at hers so we can talk some more there on our own. I just don't know.
All I know is that at the minute I feel like I'm going insane again, like I need to start my life from scratch, somewhere else, as someone else. But unfortunately that's not really an option. In a few years maybe it would be, but I need a way out NOW.
I just want things to clear up, or fuck off. I've had enough of this year, of most years to be honest, but this one really takes the biscuit. At the minute, I don't see a future for me. I can't see anything, no success, no happiness, nothing. Literally nothing. I can't see how I can have a future now. Nothing feels right. It hasn't for years. I need a new body, a new mind that works how it's supposed to, and new heart, a new life. I just hate how things are. To put it bluntly, I hate myself most of the time, and I know the saying goes "no one can love you til you love yourself", but I just don't really feel worth it. I don't know.
I keep wishing, praying sometimes even, every night before I go to bed; "please let this day be easier. Give me a personality transplant. Make me happy. Let me wake up and realise this is all a nightmare. Let me wake up, slim, healthy, happy, and loved. Loved by me. Give me some sanity."
And every day? Nothing.
I'm just tired, so tired, and right now I don't see a way out.

Apologies for being so doom and gloom.
And don't worry, this isn't some suicide note, I'm too much of a coward for that. I think there is still some small, hidden facet of hope somewhere in me, that tells me I'm not going anywhere, not yet, and not by my own hand.
So I'll still be here tomorrow, trying to figure out a way forwards.

Wish me luck won't you?
And wish my wish with me.

H.x

Too much.

Evening all.
Firstly I would like to say, before I get started on the meat of this post, a big thank you to all those people on Twitter who have been amazingly kind and supportive to me over the past month or so. It really hasn't been an easy time for me, but some of you in particular have been absolutely amazing.
I would also like to apologise to those same people on Twitter, and any other followers, who have had to put up with my erratic tweeting/moaning/general misery over said month. Once more, thank you.

So, it's been a while.
My last post was before the trial began, and also mentioned how L had said something that lead me to believe she had feelings for me.
First things first; the trial. It didn't exactly get off to a great start, thanks to the fuck-up that calls itself an 'organisation' (what a joke-as my auntie put it; "they couldn't organise a bunk up in a brothel) - the CPS. Long story short the trial either had to start from scratch with a new judge the next day, or wait until next fucking March; guess which option we went for? It was exhausting. Every day I geared myself up for the fact that I could be called any minute, and for the irate two days; nothing. I tell you, sitting around doing shit all in that environment really takes its toll. Eventually, on the Friday (when the trial was due to end, fat chance) I gave my evidence. I can't really explain how it felt, to have to stand up there and be cross examined. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, but I ended up in floods of tears. To stand up there, having to remember what happened that night, what he did to me, what he made me do to him, in front of everyone, and to be basically accused of lying by the defence barrister...there are no words. I felt...exposed. So entirely vulnerable, like my heart was being ripped out and my soul, my character, was out for all to see and examine. I practically broke down at one point. I'd been told I could stop at any point for a break, but I knew that if I left that room I wouldn't want to go back in. So I stood my ground, and told my side. At times I felt anger; anger that I had to remember that night, anger at the things this woman (the defence barrister) was implying, anger at the man who I thankfully couldn't see but knew was standing so close. Fury, at times, threatened to overwhelm me, but I knew I could not break, would not break. Besides the fact that getting angry and 'smart' with the defence wouldn't help at all, I just knew I could not let myself be broken like that. So instead, I spoke through gritted teeth when needed and through tears when I couldn't fight them anymore. When it was over, and I was dismissed, I felt drained. I cried and cried and cried. My SOLO, R, who was nothing short of amazing, a rock to me, throughout, had been allowed to sit behind me while I spoke, so was instantly on hand to get me out of there. We left and my parents enveloped me. We all cried. Then the court broke for a short while, and after that, L was up to give her evidence. I was outside having a cigarette and she came out 5minutes later. Neither of us were sure if we were now allowed to talk to each other. That moment then, me sitting there, her standing there, just looking at each other, me wanting to badly to just hug her, was horrendous. Finally we were told, yes, it's ok now, and I didn't want to let go. Having been through something all too similar years ago, I knew the process wouldn't have been fun for her, all the more considering her hints of feelings for me. To sum up the next period of time, I went to my brothers with him and stayed there til all my friends who were giving evidence had finished and then came round to his too. Eventually, the court day ended and we could all be together. That night L and I spoke properly, but that's for later.
When court broke for the weekend, and indeed, right up until the verdict, it all seemed to be going well. Our barrister seemed confident, and even the judge seemed to be leaning towards favouring the prosecution.
But it was all for nothing.
"They found the bastard innocent."
Those were the words my father said, and then he started crying. The moment he came in the room, the verdict was written all over his face, the pain, the anger, and the sorrow. My mother was crying, my brother was crying, my SOLO was crying, and L had gone outside to cry. I didn't. I couldn't. I just felt numb. It wasn't for a few more minutes that it swallowed me, but even then it wasn't sadness. It was anger. That fury, that rage that had held its hand over me while I stood in court, slammed down on me. But I had to reign it in. I don't think damaging court property and premises would have been a good way to end things. I needed to get out of there. Nobody knew what to say. I certainly didn't. Over the next few hours, when I had presumed I would go into 'shut down', I found myself able to claw my way out for breath. I would not close down. We went home, and over the next few hours gradually more and more people came to see me and say how sorry they were. There wasn't much I could say. At least it's over.
Even now, I'm not 100% sure how I feel. Angry? Yes. Sad? Yes. Relieved? Oddly, yes. At least it's over.
The system let me down.
Everyone, the police, the barrister, all my support workers, even the judge knew the right verdict, but the truth is, with rape cases, convictions are hard to get. At the moment the figures show that in rape cases, the prosecution level stands at 6 per cent. 6 PER CENT. Women are encouraged to come forward and report this abominable crime, but for what? For the hell of reliving it in a public arena, being called a liar, watching the hell their family goes through as they learn the details? The system is quite frankly BULLSHIT. That man's fate was in the hands of people who have no idea of the torment, the pain, the agony of living as a victim of rape, and they set him free, because there were doubts. I fully appreciate that the jury system may save countless innocent people from prison, but it's plain to see that it is riddled with failings. At the backs of the minds of every one of those jurors was the real possibility of sending a man to prison. How can you claim that would not have had an effect? Strangers cannot be impartial. Maybe there isn't a clear solution, but when only 6 per cent of these evil men are convicted, how can anyone say our justice system works? This 'justice' system hasn't only failed me, and rendered me scared to leave my house in the knowledge that he is still allowed to walk around, free and innocent in the eyes of the law, but it has failed hundreds of women, and will fail countless more. It makes me furious, it breaks my heart that anyone who goes through what I went through, which wasn't even as vicious as this crime can be, have such a small hope of justice. I am now supposed to move on with my life, build a future, but how? Everyone told me how I was right to take it to the police, that I was so brave to take it to court when so many wouldn't, but would I have simply saved myself the pain of those words: not guilty? Would it not be better for women everywhere to exact their own brand of justice on those bastards by having extensive counselling and building happy, successful lives? Of course it would, but it's not that easy. How easy would you find it if, as in my case, your virginity was ripped from you? That act of love, of giving yourself to someone so completely, with so much trust, that you had always warned the chance to give, was stolen from you? How easily could you move on, even if the bastard was incarcerated, let alone if he was allowed to walk away scot free? The justice system is a failure. Men who steal are convicted. Men who rape are not. Rape is stealing a woman’s right, rape is an evil act. The cunt who ruined me apparently considers rape to be 'when the man is violent and beats the woman up and stuff', according to his evidence. Is that not what rape will mean to too many more? The justice system FAILS US.
And I am lost for words.
What more can I say? What more can any one person do? One person who can't even leave the house and go into her local town centre because she knows HE lives nearby! Some small mercy, some small, small solace could, I suppose be found in that fact that his name was published, his address, his details. Anyone who reads the local paper and has the slightest bit of self respect wouldn't go near him. He will be the one who people know was accused, and I can only hope that others can see the truth, even if the court couldn't. I hold onto the conversation overhead by my mother in a local shop - on a day when the headline in the local paper read 'WOMEN WARNED AFTER TWO SEX ATTACKS IN TWO DAYS' my mother heard one woman say to another as they perused the headline; "well it's like that bloke who lives round here, they found him innocent but he was guilty as sin".
Small mercies, small hopes.
6 percent. Gone.

So now I have to move forwards.

My attempts to continue an education I desperately want but am unable to pursue in the full time manner due to previously mentioned inability to leave the house without feeling terrified, and my crippling body hang ups thanks to the weight that has piled on with the depression, have also been scuppered. The local college, that I did attend until it became impossible for me to do so, have the monopoly on local A Level evening classes...which you can only complete if you're aged 19 or over. What a joke. But I won't start on that now. Suffice to say we are battling on this one.

Battling. Constantly.
But there's one more battle that will not be fought anymore.
As some of you will know, over the last few months my grandmother has been in and out of hospital with various problems, and has been really very ill. As of last week, she had accepted she would not be able to return to her own home, and faced losing her leg. Then she lost the use of one of her hands. Then her kidneys packed in. Then she lost blood flow to her foot. Then the infection in her leg started spreading throughout the rest of her body. Then it was realised, that it simply wasn't fair to let her keep fighting, and in so much pain. The doctors and my family agreed it was best for her to simply make her comfortable. And then yesterday, she slipped away from us.
Fortunately, we all got to say goodbye. Mum, dad, brother and I all went to see her the day before. At that point she did still seem to know us. I sat with her, on my own as I had wanted, not knowing what to say. Seeing her like that...that wasn't my Nan lying there. That was an old woman, so small, and old. I held her hand, and she gripped so hard. I told her I love her, and would miss her, and would never forget her. I told her that I would always remember her whenever I eat Semolina and Ginger Nut biscuits, and said "na-night nanny nicely, bye nanny properly" for that last time, though I didn't know it. She wasn't fully with it, and kept saying "must be quick, must be quick", but when I said "I love you" she opened her eyes, looked at me and said "I love you too." When I left the room I turned and looked at her, and her arm was still stretching out to where I had just been sat. I'm crying now as I write this, and remember the last time I saw her alive. None of us actually thought she would go so fast, so it was still a bit of a shock. When mum and dad walked through the door while I was drying the dishes and L came down the stairs after her shower, I knew there was no other reason they would both be here, home at this time. It broke my heart seeing my dad like that. He cried on my shoulder, but I couldn't cry. I just felt so utterly numb. I think I barely blinked for the next few hours. I've never lost a relative before; I still don't know if I'm grieving right. When I was younger, my Nan was such a big part of my life. I'd spend weekends with her, go out on day trips with her, and spend New Years with her when my parents wanted to see their friends. I will hold so many good memories of her, but sadly, also many bad ones. I can't fully yet banish the images of her over the last few years, each time she was in hospital, each time she got ill again. I've never thought of her as old, but at 85, she had lived such a long life. A fighter through and through was my Nan, surviving wars, heart attacks, a stroke, cancer, nervous breakdowns...but she couldn't win every fight. She couldn't beat time. I still can't believe she's gone. Until now, I haven't cried much, I don't know why, but believe me I'm crying now. I'm going to miss her so much. She can't be gone. My Nan, the invincible woman, how can she be gone? My dad is being so amazing, he's lost his mother but he's staying as strong as he can. Sure, I've seen him cry more this past year that in all the rest of my life put together, but he's the strongest man I know. My sister, who's living in Australia, got to say goodbye to Nan when we did, albeit over the phone. Nan knew who she was talking to. She was so proud of my sister, so proud. I only recently found out that the last thing my Nan said to my sister before she moved away was "if you're going for 3 years I expect I'll never see you again." My sister really wanted to come home the day she said goodbye to Nan, but she's now decided to stay out there, which we all agree is the right thing for her to do. All this does make me miss my sister, which I haven't really done for a while. It's hard that he doesn't know everything that's gone on this year, but it's the right thing in the circumstances.

So as it stands, Nan’s funeral will be this Tuesday coming. I've never been to a funeral before, and in a way I think I hoped I never would. I don't want to have to say goodbye. But my Nan will live forever, where it really matters; in our hearts.

I'll always love you Nan, and I miss you more than words can say. I hope you're as proud of me as I am of you, proud I had you in my life, proud that I had you as my Nan. You will be my inspiration, to keep fighting, to keep living as I want to. I will not let this beat me, I will not. You never did. No matter what life did, you held your head high and carried on. You loved your boys, you loved their wives and you loved us, their children. You loved so much, and I will miss you so, so much. We all will. You kept fighting. Right til the very end when you still kept trying to take those bandages off! I will make you proud. I will. I love you Nan. I miss you. Please stay with me. Please help me live as you lived- with love and kindness, as I knew you. Na-night nanny nicely, goodbye nanny properly. You will NEVER be forgotten.

You can't see how much I'm crying right now. But I think I needed that. Writing that, and crying now, I need to cry. I haven't done enough of it recently really. Mum keeps telling me it's ok to cry, and I know it is, but I'm always afraid I won't be able to stop. This year has been, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst of my life. I won't be sorry to see the back of it...but I think I'll stay at home this New Year.

As for things with L...well...!
I feel tired and worn out now but I know how therapeutic writing is for me, and I know if I don't do this now I never will.
Basically, on the Saturday before the trial I think it was, L sent me a text that said something like "I love you more than you realise" so I replied with "Are you trying to tell me something?"
To be honest, I was mainly joking! I didn't think she would reply with "Well yes I am, but it's not the right time to tell you are it?” In the lead up to the trial, we didn't talk much about it, but apparently it was obvious to my SOLO and the other police officer in charge that something was going on! After Friday, L came home with us and stayed the night. I think we were all feeling on a bit of a strange high, I know I was. Having done my bit, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and we all relaxed with a few drinks. When we went up to bed conversation eventually came to what had been said in the texts the other night. Long story short (ha! I hear you cry!) she told me that she had feelings for me and wanted more than just friendship and I said I wasn't sure how I felt, but that I know I love her and she's my best friend and I don't ever want to lose her. The weekend was...interesting. There was a new level to our friendship that we both had to get used to, but it was nice. Flirtier jokes and comments, and texts between us that sometimes shocked me and made me grin a little at the same time. But it was nice. And after the trial, I came to realise that I did feel the same for her. I would be lying if I said that when I first met her I didn't find her attractive, but as I knew she had a boyfriend I pushed any feelings like that aside if ever they came up. She truly became my best friend, and life would seriously have been shit without her.
But then, after the verdict, things seemed to change.
I know it wasn't easy for her either, and she sat in for his evidence which undoubtedly brought back a lot of unpleasant memories. She went away the next weekend as she had already planned, for a friend’s house warming party, and when she left things didn't feel right. She said she needed some time to think and we'd talk when she got back. Only we didn't. And then she had to go back up to Essex to see him again. And then her closest brother was rushed into hospital, where, as far as I know as she isn't telling me much, he still is. There's also the matter of P, her brothers best friend who she had a thing with a while back, is really close to and is completely in love with her. And basically, it would seem she doesn't know how she feels. He knows about how she says she feels for me, and he was more than a little shocked apparently. Other than him, no one else knows. I just don't know what to do. She's obviously been spending a lot of time with P recently because of her brother, but it's hard. I'm trying to be understanding, and be there for her, but when she doesn't tell me what's going on and when she doesn’t talk to me, it's hard to know what to do. She keeps saying there's a couple of things she's wants to say to me but she also doesn't want to, and that if I push her she won't say anything. I also now know she spent the night with P last night, and whilst she says nothing happened, that he was just there to talk about her brother and then they had a fair few drinks and he just ended up staying, and while I believe her, I'm just struggling. They have a lot of history that I know about, and whilst she says she loves me and misses me when she's not with me, when she's on the phone to him or texting him I find it hard to even be in the same room. I haven't spoken to her about it, because with everything going on in both our lives I don't want to upset the balance, but I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know what's going on between us, between her and P, I don't know how her brother is, and she won't talk to me. She's says she knows she can talk to me about anything and that I'm one of the few people she trusts, but then seems to be holding so much back from me. I don't think it’s just 'jealousy' but I don't know what to do. Blame it on my star sign Taurus or whatever, but when I fall for someone I fall hard. This is only the second time I've ever felt like this, and the other girl I badly fell in love with decided to cut me out of her life when she found out I liked her. I so don't want to lose L, but I don't know what to so.

Things are just stacking up again. When the trial ended, other than the feelings I had over the verdict, I also felt relieved it was over. But now, I think I'm not dealing with it as well as I thought, and now Nan’s gone and the situation with L is getting unbearably painful for me and with everything else, I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed again. I've already regrettably reverted to 'old habits' as it were once and I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I can't switch off, can't relax, can't breathe, can't sleep brilliantly again, despite this glorious new bed. Most days I'm walking round with my head working a mile a minute and freaking out. Mainly about L if I'm honest. I'm just worrying about everything. I don't think my medication is helping massively at the moment, and my psych nurse was planning to change my medication soon so I'm worrying about that too!
Part of me just wants to get fucked hammered and pass out, part of me wants to go and smash things, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and die, part of me wants to scream and shout and cry, but no one part of me can decide what I actually AM going to do.

So right now I'm lying awake crying, worried about L because she was going home tonight to meet with her brothers doctor to discuss his situation and I haven't heard from her, worried about mum and dad, worried about how my brother's coping with Nan being gone, worried about my sister on her own on the other side of the fucking world and wondering what the hell the last 3 months of this shitty year are going to throw at me now.

But other than all of that, everything is rosy in this Finch's garden.

Time to get some sleep now I think. Apologies for the length of this post again, as you can see a lot has been going on since my last post so it was sort of necessary. Thank you once more for your support. I just hope it can be enough.

H.x

Over and out :)

So I promised you details; I'll talk you through the few important days, as I know some of you are dying for details (not naming names Josi :P), and then give you a general update as to how things are going.

Tuesday.
Recieved a phone call from my SOLO, R, as promised when I spoke to her before we went away last week, to arrange a time/date for her to come round and help me tell the parents the necessary. We decided on Friday at 1pm. My nerves were mounting already.

Thursday.
My friend L wanted to go out for a meal with us, and I was grateful for the distraction to be honest, otherwise I'd just have been sitting there trembling while my parents wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I got the sense that something was up with L anyway, and was right. Suffice to say her (now ex-) boyfriends parents were being twats, and she was having a bit of difficulty with him too. While we were out I rang my auntie, as she'd said I could, to talk to her. I told her that R was coming round tomorrow at 1pm to help me tell mum and dad. Just chatted for a while and she eased some of my worries and helped me figure out what I was going to actually physically say. My friend then eventually stayed round mine, and we just talked about the next day and how I was feeling about it.


Friday.
L had work at 9am, so I had to semi-wake up then to say goodbye. Mum gave her a lift to work and I went back to bed for an hour or so, as my counsellor wasnt coming round until 11.30am. I woke up again properly at about 11am and my stomach was churning. I was hungry but when I tried to eat anything, I just felt, quite honestly, that I was going to bring it back up again sometime soon. So I gave up with the eating and instead sat on the garden bench shaking like a leaf and chain smoking. 11.30 came and went...and I was getting worse. She was only ten minutes late due to a meeting finishing late, but by the time my counsellor arrived at twenty to 12 I was borderline a mess. I made her a cup of tea and then explained why I was really quite so in need of seeing her. I told her everything she needed to know, and she offered to be there too but said perhaps it might be best if it was just the four of us, but that she could come back later if we needed her. We'd pretty much just finished anyway, but then dad came home at 12.30. I said goodbye to her and went for another cigarette. While I was outside mum arrived home and I knew it was all getting very close. I came in and sat down, and soon enough the doorbell rang. I jumped up ("I'll get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") and answered the door. R greeted me with a kind and knowing smile, and I welcomed her in. She went and said hi to my parents while I put the kettle on. She then joined me in the kitchen and I quietly told her the way I thought it would be best to do this. We'd go through whatever answers she could give us to the questions we asked at the pre-trial court visit, and then I'd take over. I began to relax a little as we went through the questions we had, as it took a bit longer than I'd expected so I had the time to relax. However, as I saw we were answering the last question on the list, my heart sped up by several thousand notches. Then my dad said what I was waiting for; "So, is that everything?"
I looked at R and spoke. I cant remember exactly what I said, but I started by asking them not to interrupt me for a minute, and to just let me talk. I told them that I had something to tell them and it might go some way to explaining the extent and length of my depression, as well as my falling out with my friends and why January was so hard. I told them that I have to tell them as its to do with the case, and that its the strongest piece of evidence in the case for prosecution. I then stumbled one hell of a lot, as getting the actual point of this out was the hardest bit. In the end, I settled for the way I told my auntie and counsellor - "the reason what happened in January was so hard, is because I dont like men." (a phrasing that my mother later realised was quite funny, but more on that later.)

I'm not really sure what I expected, but it certainly wasnt what happened.
I couldnt look at either of my parents, just stared at the floor, but I heard my dad clear enough. He said that my mum and he had had, not their suspicions, but 'an inkling' that that might have been the case, but that it didnt matter to them one bit. At which point I think I may have said 'bloody hell' and laughed a little. R gave me a little smile and a hand on my shoulder. I welled up and my mum spoke. 'It really doesnt matter. If anything it makes sense.' - kind of thing. She then saw I was starting to cry, with relief more than anything, and started crying too. She then asked if she could hug me, to which I replied "please". At which point R said it was probably a good time for her to leave, as we would obviously need time to ourselves. We all thanked her, and I walked to the door with dad to let her out. She gave me a hug goodbye and told me to call her if I needed anything. It was around this time that my mum then got that sudden strange headache you may remember I mentioned, so most of our energy was then focused on looking after mum. She really was in a hell of a lot of pain, and I must admit that the pain and sensation she described, namely that it was down one side of her face and her teeth were feeling strange, did make me panic a bit inside and think it was a stroke. We've since been to the hospital and it wasnt. While she was in a lot of pain, she was worried that I thought it was my fault. Yes, a part of me worried that the shock of me had caused it, and although that was true mum assured me it wasnt in a bad way. She said it was probably because the way I'd been talking as I led up to it sounded a lot worse than it was, and she was thinking "oh god, what else happened that night that we dont know about", and the speed with which she got up to hug me probably didnt help.
Eventually, after going to bed for a little while, the pain eased off and she felt just about ok. The three of us had a group hug while I stood there mumbling, still worried that they werent being honest and that they'd much rather chuck me out or something. No idea why. Dad was brilliant. He told me that it doesnt matter to them 'what' I am as it were, only 'who', and they love who I am. Mum would have been brilliant, but the headache kind of got in the way. She was still great though. She's the kind of mother who doesnt shut up, and while I love her for it, it does get annoying :P Even when she was lying down in agony and we were telling her just to keep quiet to help the head, she was saying that obviously she'll have questions. I told her I could certainly guess a few she might have.
So, we then quickly had a talk about my brother. We all agreed that while he obviously needs to know, it might not be the best idea to tell him that day or indeed that week, as he was going to be stressed with all the moving and such like, so we've agreed that we'll leave it a week or so til he's settled into his (AMAZING!) new house and then tell him. Then soon after, my brother arrived and we all helped load the furniture we were giving him into the van. Mum and I then arranged to go out for a meal with best friend H and her mum in Wagmama's before I went round to H's to stay the night. We had a lovely evening, and on the way to Waga's I stopped mum, gave her a big hug and told her thank you and that I love her. She told me she loved me too :)
As I say, I then stayed round H's house that night. Partly because I havent seen her in ages, partly to give me a bit of fun after the emotional day but mostly to give mum and dad some time to talk. While I was at H's I discovered that I suck at Guitar Hero and Marcus was nominated. Then we stayed up til the early hours just chatting, and the subject inevitably turned to the guys. Now I wont bore you with the conversation as thats not what this post is about, but I did end up crying a bit and she hugged my legs (we were top-to-tailing) :) In some ways its easy talking to her but in other ways its harder, as I know I'm always putting her in a difficult position when I talk about the guys. She's still friends with them and enjoys doing things with them, even though she doesnt like how they've treated me, so its tricky.
Anyway, eventually she fell asleep, and a good few hours later I did too. Not before she frightened me with her sleep talking again, helpful lass.

Saturday and onwards.
H's dad dropped me home on the way to giving H a lift to work, and only mum was home. Dad was helping my brother with the first big van load of stuff from his old house, which turned into a bit of a disaster thanks to the van breaking down. Mum's headache was still lingering and she was a bit worried so asked if I'd come to A&E with her. I told her of course I would dont be silly, and off we went. The doctor thought it could have been a small haemorrhage or something called Temporal Arterius [sic] but the blood tests didnt confirm that, so at the minute we're none the wiser. Just having to see how she goes from now on. After that we went round to my brothers new house where they were unloading the second van load, and got the grand tour. Now this time last year my brother was living in quite a nice house when the landlord said he needed them to get out in a month. In that month only one place was available to my brother at such short notice, so him and his friend had no choice but to move in there. It was an absolute DIVE. The last tenants hadn't taken care of it at all, and the landlord was shit. They had no hot water, no working washing machine, windows that wouldnt open, and so on. We were all amazed that he managed to last the 12 months to be quite honest. But this new place is BEAUTIFUL, seriously. I'm jealous. It's exactly the type of place I want to get in about 12 months time (actually, one of his 2 housemates might be gone then so I might get to live there, but I'm getting ahead of myself :P) and he really deserves it. He's so chuffed. That night mum, dad and I took him out to Double Locks for dinner and drinks to 'celebrate' as we didnt know when we'd get a chance to over the next few days, and it was really nice to spend some time with him. We helped him some more on Sunday afternoon, giving the kitchen and bathroom tiles a once over, that sort of thing. They've yet to have new worktops and curtain rails put in but they knew that when they got the place and the landlordn assures them it'll be done soon. It's just been redecorated so its got that lovely new paint smell and is sparkling, with new carpets and everything. Its not a brand new property, so of course theres bound to be a few things that need TLC, eg some of the windows are a bit stiff and a few of the tiles in the kitchen nearly fell off in my hand when I was cleaning them (not my fault!) but thats the kind of thing the landlord is finishing up now. It's like the Tardis though! Some of the rooms are slightly bizarre shapes, such as the utility room next to the living room, which hides a toilet under the stairs which is a very roomy room! Also there's lots of strange cubby holes, but the two of them that have already got their stuff in (my brother and friend) have got so much stuff that combined with the third boys stuff, who's coming down from Dorset soon, they'll have no problem finding something to fill them with!

Today wasn't bad either. My parents and I went to Dawlish to this lovely cafe that does a lovely HUGE fried breakfast :D and I failed yet again to win a sat nav on the arcade game. I WILL beat it one of these days I tell you! While we were eating mum mentioned that we hadnt really spoken about Friday, she knew she had questions and did my dad? He said he didnt have any he wanted to ask in public :P so we'd probably talk about it later if necessary. We visited my nan on the way home, and she seems a bit better but her ulcerated leg has got a lot worse again which is affecting her mobility rehab. Just having to see how things go with her too.
Over dinner dad simply said that regarding what mum said at brunch, yes they had questions, but it wasnt deathly urgent. He said that his main questions were a) how long have I felt this way (I have noticed neither of them have said 'known' yet, but thats okay) and b) have I ever had a relationship or anything. I told him that the short answers were a) a while and b) no not really. ( I wasnt going to turn round at that point and say, "Well, unless you count my semi stalker from work who said she was in love with me and that she was going to leave her boyfriend whose baby she may or may not be pregnant with for me, and would I raise the child with her if she was" :s thats a story for another day if anyone wants to hear it!) To which he said, and this is quite sweet really, that the only reason he asked is because if my brother or sister ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend he'd want them to feel able to talk about it and 'bring them home' etc, and he wants me to know its the same for me :) Mum said that she (obviously) has a few more questions. I explained to her that while of course they're having to get used to knowing, I'm also going to have to get used to them knowing too. I told her that all the late night chats we've had over the past 12months have been gradual, and this would be the same. I've gone for so long without them knowing, it is going to be really odd now.
Mum has said a couple of funny things about this, my personal favourites being; "The way you told us was quite funny, now I think about it, 'I dont like men'...theres some men I dont like but I guess its a bit different isnt it?" and the utterly randomly said while we were putting my brothers DVD's on his shelves, "I'm suprised you didnt tell us while we were watching Skins to be honest..." Cos thats how down with the kids my mum is, she watches Skins with me :) Not anymore thats for sure! :P

And now I'm in bed.
The last few days have been, as seems to be par for the course with me, strange. Over the next few weeks, I have to go and give another statement to the police confirming my sexuality, and another one saying how everything has been since. As well as that, I have driving lessons, as my driving test is now in...FUCK! Just 18 days!?!?! Which does tell you when it is, meaning I go back on what I said last post...ah well, just dont talk to me about it :P

And then the trial.

So, another fun filled month to come, no doubt. But hey, things can only get better, right?

Hx

Furio. - Dear Liz.

EDIT: To any twitter friends or anyone who has something to say, I'd rather you posted it here so its all in one place. You can DM me too if you really want, but here would be great.

Ok, so its not entirely often I get angry, but when I do, I get really fucking angry.
Now as most of you will know, especially those of you who have bothered to read any of this blog and/or get to know me at all, this last year has been a bit tough on me, perhaps to say the least. For the most part, bar one or two idiots on twitter who have had a go at me for reasons beyond my control or understanding, I have found most of you twits/twitterers/tweeters/twats/etc to be a charming, lovely and oh so caring bunch. A fair few of you are actually going some way to restore some of my lost faith in humanity. (There's a compliment in there somewhere :P )
But some people aren't so understanding, or nice, or caring. Some people are just plain... twattish.
Now I have explained in the past my reasons for using a 'fake' name on twitter etc, though I feel in light of this I am going to have to do it YET AGAIN.

So, the reason for my fury.
There's a very nice lad on twitter, his name is @Abcmsaj/Alex Dixon, and as I say, he is a very nice young man, if a bit cheeky :P He's very clever when it comes to all things technology, and nice to talk to. I believe he has a lady friend, commonly known as a girlfriend, though I could be wrong. Now, besides the obvious fact, eg. you know, my being gay, there is nothing going on between us. For starters I dont really talk to him that much/enough to constitute anything going on.
However, someone somewhere seems to have other ideas, and is perhaps more than a little jealous of our non-existent relationship.

Now last night, this amiable young fellow alerted me to the fact that this particular person seems to have got the wrong idea, and gone a bit... over the top, shall we say. He pointed me in the direction of her blog, which highlights what seem to be her manufactured issues and, to my mind, slanderous comments. In her post, she says she cannot name names for legal reasons. I have no such qualms. I am here only presenting my 'side of the story' which she seems to have got so magnificently wrong. Also, if I'm going to 'bitch' about someone I'm damn well not going to pussy foot around the issue, and I'll certainly be making her aware of this.

Quite honestly I think all you need to do is read the offending blog post to figure out why I'm quite so peeved (and thats putting it lightly.) so heres the link.

So lets study some evidence, I like going all CSI ;)

Firstly, I dont think it takes a genius to work out that I am the Finch and Mr Dixon is the Birdwatcher, due to a) calling me the Finch, and b) the subtitle - 'Little Feathered Finches'; ironic no, seeing as my name here is FINCH and my blog is called LITTLE FEATHERS? At least try and be subtle my dear. Now feel free to call me paranoid on this front, but if that is the case then be fully prepared for me to tell you to stop talking out of your arse and read it again :)

Now, lets talk through it shall we? Should be fun.

1) Yes I have a 'double identity'. Pure and simple. My reasoning behind this? Well if you must be told again... actually lets put it hypothetically, ask you some questions and see if you cant get your head around it. Sod that, I'm angry about this particular part. Not that I'm under any obligation to explain myself to you little girl, but I'm the type of person who will not stand for being shat on, and thats what I consider this to be. So just imagine you were sexually assaulted 3 hours into the first day of 2009, and had something taken from you, something you can never get back, something that should have been yours and yours alone to give you who you chose, to someone you love and loves you. Say your friends all but deserted you because they were 'fed up' of your clinical depression, pissed off that you were 'no fun' to be around because the attention wasn't all on them, because it hadn't happened to them. Say your 'best' friends had been making homophobic comments to and about you ever since you'd finally worked up the guts to come out them, and ever since the attack they all but increased the intensity. Say your friends probably didn't believe you, that they'd called you a 'crap lesbian' before when a stranger tried to kiss you and didn't believe you when you told them you told him where to stick it, so a part of you cant help but think they just think you're making it up. Say you hadn't had a proper nights sleep in 6 months, always still awake at gone 1AM and not wanting to wake up in the morning. Say all your choices regarding how you live your life from now on were taken away from you, your choice as to when you come out to your parents was wrenched from you, because its the strongest piece of evidence in court. Say you ended up dropping out of college (your high school I think) because everything you'd ever been good at just suddenly vanished. Lets just say you wake up (eventually) on some mornings and want to die, dont think you're strong enough to carry on anymore, strong enough to face the world, strong enough to make the decisions as to whether or not you should bother to fight for those friendships you'd just lost but were all you'd had for the past 16 years. Lets pretend you didn't really like yourself anymore. You hate your own body, and mind, and soul, and you feel like you're letting everyone down. How about if you had so little regard for yourself, were made to believe by shit friends and strangers that you're not worth anything, would you want a little escape? A little place somewhere, where those people weren't, where you could be who you truly feel like you could be, make new friends, new bonds, new strides in your life, wouldn't you do the same? Wouldn't you want to separate it from your other life, at least a little, if you know that those 'friends' would mock your 'internet life' and call you a saddo, weirdo, and like you even less? Wouldn't you want to be someone else? Someone you actually might be able to like, to be proud to be?
Can you maybe comprehend that?
This Finch does have emotion little girl, perhaps too much. This Finch hurts every day, wants to bleed everyday but doesn't want to let her parents down any more. This Finch wants to fly, but is too fucking heavy everywhere. This Finch has a fucking burning, bleeding hole where her choices, plans, and life were. This Finch's heart is fucking heavy, painful, full. This Finch doesn't know for sure where the name she chose came from. Perhaps subconsciously it was for those reasons. For wanting to fly, wanting to soar above all the nay sayers and shit-stirrers and life breakers. Swoop down on those people who ruined my life, made me feel shit every waking day, and open my bowels on their huge, brainless heads. Maybe it was because, as a Finch, I am small yet I am mighty. Who knows. I'd like to think it was all of those reasons, and more.
Is that clear enough to you?
Because until you've been through what I've been through in my 17 years, you can shut the fuck up. If you have, then I am truly sorry. Sorry for your hurt, sorry for your pain, and sorry for the cynical, jealous, and unnecessarily nasty person it has made you. I would never wish my life on anyone. But I am still. fucking. here. Still fighting. Just. By the skin of my teeth I am fighting. (Or should that be with the tips of my wings, or the strength of my beak?) As this demonstrates. I will not stand for being shat on. Being belittled, slandered, 'bitched' about anymore. 17 years of bullying, attacks, assaults, being worn down, can do that to a girl. Which answers one of your other musings. Yes I'm a girl.

Lets see... what else you wondered about, I'll try and clear things up for you.

2) Thank you for calling me special.
3) (answered in 1) I am a girl.
4) My 'feathers', or hair, as I took it to infer, is brown. With a hint of auburn inherited from the grandmother I am (legally, really) named after that I never met. My mothers mother. When the light catches and the auburn shines through, I can see my mother smiling.
5) My eyes are blue. Blue grey to be exact. I've been told in certain lights and at certain angles they might even pass for beautiful. My picture has been very heavily photoshopped to within an inch of its life, to avoid being recognized. I've also been clear about this. I dont like the way I look, I wish I was different, so until I'm confident with my body a bit more, I'll be hiding that way.
6) I wasn't aware I 'psych people out'. I apologize to those I have done this to. I wasn't aware being honest and free with my language could have such a negative impact. Perhaps those of you who find me 'psych out'-y could elaborate for me. I am always open to improving myself in whatever way I can.
7) The Birdwatcher is British, to the best of my knowledge. Perhaps you dont know him very well?
8) He came on very strong? I myself have seen no evidence of this, unless perhaps you communicate via text, private email or some other unseen means. He himself seemed more than a little bewildered by this claim too. From what I have seen, he's a fairly flirty (but otherwise harmless) kind of guy.
9) He's always seemed honest enough to me.
10) Your bullet points. Perhaps I should make some corresponding bullets.

• You said yourself you don't know what I look like, how can he? Have you sent him pictures of yourself? Does he know what you look like? No. If I remember rightly, you and I were the two people on twitter he said he would like to see a picture of, to find out what we look like. So I hardly think that arguement stands up on its own.
• I've never really given him anything, apart from tweets, time and conversation. I dont want to ask what you might have given him...
• What he does or doesn't do in his own time is none of our business. In fact he seems just as interested in technology as you do. Something you have in common. Do you have something 'better to do'?
• Perhaps you could enlighten us with an example? Was talking to you a mistake? Or talking to me? Or talking to us both? Joining twitter?
• I tricked no one. I have been nothing but honest from the start.

11) I would liken myself more to the Medium Ground Finch, if a comparison must be made. I'm not the greatest fan of heights despite my desire to fly, so wouldn't suit high tree life too well. I don't like cacti/cactus'. I don't like wood and I'd rather not peck it. I'm no vegetarian. I consider myself able to hold a tune so would rather not be accused of warbling. I suppose the only other one I could be is the Sharp Beaked Finch. I think you can work that one out yourself.

12) Spotlight Finch? Oh please, you're the one putting me there. I'll tell you the species you forgot girl; the human fucking Finch.
13) Legal reasons? It aint even my real name darling, as we've established. Go ahead, 'name and shame' me.
14) The feeling I give off...

• Feeling A) Already explained this. HUMAN FINCH. FICTIONAL REALITY.
• Feeling B) Once more, you contradict yourself. He knows what I look like no more than you. He can have my DNA if he wants, but I expect he'll be sorely disappointed compared to the picture in his head ;)
• Feeling C) Correct. Correct. Fuck off - how many more times can you miss this? To say I'm lying would have to mean that I haven't been straight with people from the start, which I have. I don't currently have a job, I lost both of those in the aftermath of New Years as I wasn't able to cope, thanks for the reminder. I don't think I'm beautiful, far from it, as established. Is that another back-handed compliment?

15) If I could hiss this I would; I am no fucking hoe, lady.

16) More Finch spottings in the future? 'Bring it bitch'. We'll spot each other yeah?

A separate point. If this is all because you feel hard done by by some guy, why take it out on me? Someone you clearly dont know, have never spoken to before? Why? How have I done you wrong?
And to clarify, I am NOT his girlfriend. Apart from a) my well known sexuality that would pose a problem, there is the fact that b) I've never met him, c) Even if I had, it doesn't guarantee anything, d) I am about as far from interested in anything like that as you can get, for obvious reasons. (Not that you're not a lovely chap Alex, just not quite my type, what with the manhood and everything :P)

Alex hasn't asked me to do anything, if anything I should have asked him if it was ok or if he had any objections to his being mentioned here before I even started writing, but I was going on impulse. I'm doing this because you've upset and angered me. He's a big boy, I'm sure he can take care of himself ;)

Yeah you've made me mad, really quite mad. Angry. Fuming. Rage.
I will NOT lie down and be walked all over any more. For me, there's no dignity in silence any more. If there was, he would have got away with what he did to me.
I'm fighting back against you, against everyone else who's got a problem with me. I've tried to make this as intelligent a counter-post as possible. Sure my language is more than a little rough in places, but sometimes no other word works anywhere near as well as 'fuck'. I hope perhaps anyone reading this can empathise or sympathise even slightly with my stance on this. Things are hard. I've got an even bigger fight on my hands when this finally goes to trial at the end of September. Consider this practice.

This bird's got bite, baby.

courtesy of @liz_is_ep1c at ep1cblog.blogspot.com

PS. I like the little logo thing. I might borrow that now and in future. Inadvertent help, feel proud. Full credit and everything.

Frustratum.

Was originally going to blog about my visit to the zoo yesterday but I think that can wait a while. Because I'm annoyed and completely NOT in the mood.
While I was at the zoo however, I finally managed to get hold of my SOLO, who'd been trying to get hold of me and we kept missing each other. I've arranged for her to come round sometime after I come back from London next Sunday to help me come out to my parents. Agreeing to that felt very real. Decided, partly on the advice from many of you here and on twitter, that its probably the best way forwards to tell them with her present. It will probably be the biggest test of my courage, just even saying the words.
So I'm stressing about that. Just a little.
I'm going to try and relax and enjoy the time in London though. I decided to do it after we come back from London and not before as I wouldn't want any shadows hanging over what is essentially our holiday.
In other news I also finally got a date for the court visit. Basically this will just be a 'grand tour' of the court, so I can see the size, layout, where I'll be, where he'll be etc and get a feel of the place. It'll be then that I'll decide whether or not to keep the special measures in place, or whether I feel I can be strong enough to just stand up there. I'm not sure yet.
And now we have the pc man round trying to sort out our wireless network with mum and dads new pc's and my macbook. And the fucking macbook wont connect. Grrrr.
So that's stressing me out too.
In general yes, I'm more than a bit stressed. And I realise this is just ANOTHER post about me being stressed, but its a big part of my life right now is this bastard stress!
But I did have a very nice day at the zoo yesterday, which I will blog about sometime when I can get my photos sorted, as they're on the macbook.

Getting to me.

All this stress is kind of getting to me now. Been pushing everything to the back of my mind every day, but sitting just listening to music I've got nothing really to distract my attention.
Stressed about my driving.
Stressed about the court case.
Stressed about the verdict and what I'm scared it'll be, judging by statistics.
Stressed about coming out to my parents.
Stressed about my weight.
Stressed about my friends.
FREAKING OUT basically.
And it's making me worry that I might not be able to stop myself from reverting to old habits of stress relief.

Incoming...

BE WARNED.

I started revisiting some unpublished blog posts and saw one that I really wanted to finish.
The subject is mainly my sexuality though I talk about my friends a lot too.
But you see, the things is...I still haven't finished it. And I've been going at it off and on for a good few hours.
Long story short, be prepared for a long post soon. Or a few long ones, however it best transpires.

Birthday's and bail.

Ok so now it's about time.
As some of you will be aware I recently celebrated my birthday, (though I use term 'celebrated' loosely) and it ended a little unsatisfactorily [sic] with me being arrested.
The next day when I tweeted about it I understandably received a lot of questions, all roughly along the lines of 'What Theee Fuck'. And I decided I'd answer. Because today I make bail.


Basically on my birthday I went drinking down at a local pub with a load of friends, then 3 of us moved on into town and went to a club. Ironically enough I was let in for free and given a free shot cos it was my birthday! We weren't in there for long and then everything kicked off. Now something you have to understand is that after the events of new years eve I hate anybody touching me, unwanted or unexpected physical contact freaks me out now. I hate that I hate it but thats the way it is. On that night (ny) I didn't fight back as much as I should have, I was too scared and I couldn't. So on my birthday, this is what happened.

Yes, I was drunk, it was my birthday and I'd been drinking since 12 pm steadily, but I wasn't wankered. One of the friends I was with was staying at my house and the other lived nearby so we were giving him a lift home, and I got a text from my dad at about 12/1am saying him and mum were outside. I found the friends and we began to leave. I got a cigarette out and had it in one hand and my lighter in the other ready to light it as soon as I got outside and all of a sudden -WHAM.

Something slammed into me out of nowhere and pushed me against the wall. "You're leaving!" shouted a womans voice in my ear. This I knew very well, seeing as I was on my way out, and I told her so. "Yes I am, the exit's that way." I went to carry on in the direction of the door when I was pushed again. Something kicked in and I pushed back. Then it all happened so fast. There was hair pulling on both parts, then there were arms holding mine behind my back and an arm across my neck and face, so I bit down hard. I remember going to leave again and a guy stopped me saying "You just assualted one of my bar staff." and I replied along the lines of "Oh yeah of course you'd believe her she works here. I'm just someone who comes and spends all her money here!" Then I got angry again and the next thing I know hands are all over me and I'm being pushed against a wall. I'm growling and screaming an someone kicks the backs of my legs to get me to the ground. I'm on the floor and pushed right up against the wall, my arms held behind my back and my face against the wall. Suddenly I can hear my dad and he's trying to get these bouncers off of me because he knows how I can't stand people touching me. I remember being pretty much in hysterics and shouting about what happened at NY's and the air was blue with my language. I kept shouting how if they just got off me I'd stay still and do whatever but they pushed me into the floor even more. Next thing I know, I try pulling my hands free once more and experience blinding pain in my wrists as I realize I've been handcuffed. Then I'm dragged to my feet and feel my trousers falling down. I beg the police officers to let me pull them up but they don't. "it's your fathers hands that are on you." they say as my trousers are pulled up. Im then carried off like an animal and thrown in the back of a riot van. On the way to the van I can hear my dad pleading with them, and see a brief flash of my mother being pushed aside as she tries to get to me.

At the station the woman on the desk is a right hard faced bitch. She tells me to take off my jacket and sweatband, put my arms out on the desk and asks me "Have you ever tried to hurt yourself or done so?" I look at my clearly visible scars and say "What do you think." So I have to take my belt off. And empty my pockets of everything which is when I realise my phone has gone missing. I turn and ask the female officer who brought me in if she can get R*****, the officer in charge of my other case. She tells me to take off my shoes.

I'm taken to a cell and I sit on the floor crying and for some reason, praying out loud. At one point I ask God if he's punishing me for being gay, and tell him I'll be straight if he just makes everything stop.
After a while I climb onto the hard bed and try to sleep. 2 minutes later I throw up over the side of the bed and pretty much pass out.

Sometime the next day I meet with the solicitor, am questioned, have finger prints and mug shots taken and then I'm taken back to my cell. The vomit is still there.

Eventually, at what turns out to be 5pm (I was questioned at 11 and told it shouldn't be too much longer before I can go home) I'm released. Everything is given back to me including, (and I found this odd) the two pieces of ID that weren't mine. My parents are there, hug me and take me home.

Since then, my parents have said they're not angry with me, they understand, and more than anything they're worried this is going to send me backwards in my recovery as it were.

Now I'm on my way to the police station to answer bail. I've been told that it's more than likely I'll just be given a caution, due to the fact that this is my first offence, my age and other circumstances. If I am given a caution, I've been told to accept it. If this is the case, there will be a part of me that wants to fight this. I have always had a very high sense of injustice and it has kicked in over all this. I accept I did wrong but not that it was unprovoked and started by me, so I may have to swallow what remaining pride I have left in my life and take it. At least that way this latest fuck up in my life will be over.
We shall have to see.

I've left out a lot of what I want to say but I've said a lot that I needed to say too. I expect I'll be posting again this evening with what happens at the police station.

Update pt1 - 'Friendlings.'

So hello everyone! Apologies for not having written anything in so long, I just haven't really been up to/able to translate anything I'm feeling or anything that's been going on into words recently, but have finally decided to just bite the bullet and have a go!

This first part of my life update (thats right, first part [to be fair I didnt intend this to be as long as it transpired, but what can you do] so settle down with a drink and nibbles...) is on the friend front. I'm not really sure where things are to be honest. After the last friend-related blog entry things seemed to settle down with some of the friends and I was just getting on with things, but then last Thursday happened. Now, I'm not meaning to sound like a moaner but over the past few months I have been really struggling emotionally and NONE of my friends have really cared or fully been there, I've been in the same place everyday all day (at home) yet no one has bothered to call or come round or anything, but last Thursday things went a bit awol. I discovered in the day that a friend's boyfriend (lets say friend A) had broken up with her the previous Monday, and she was going out that night with friend B and C for a few drinks at the pub then on into town. I agreed to come to the pub for multiple reasons, 1) to see and be there for my recently single friend (she has always been one to take break ups hard, and as she'd been with this guy for well over a year we were all expecting her to be feeling low), 2) to see friends B and C who I havent seen for a while and 'patch things up' with B from a few days previously and 3) even my parents agreed it'd do me good to get out of the house for a bit. So I go to the pub, play some pool, chat a bit, drink a bit, friend A seems to be holding up ok apart from the occaisonal "I want to caaaaallll hhiiiiiiim" outburst prompting all of us to dive and cover all phones, and then B pulls me out for a cigarette. Now as you can guess this was just a ruse to talk to me, and so she does. Now bear in mind I'd told them all before I arrived I was getting picked up at 11 as I wasnt feeling great so wouldnt be going out 'on the lash' with them, so imagine my slight annoyance when I'm told that she doesnt think it entirely fair that I'm not coming out to help them 'look after' and to 'be there' for friend A. However, me being me, I relented to her clearly compelling arguements (cough cough) and arranged to go into town. (Cue annoyed parents at changes of plan, understandably). Then when we get into town I get a call from another friend that I didnt even know was out that night, asking if any of us knew where friend H (my best/oldest friend) was because they couldnt find her. Now in light of what happened to me, I (quite understandably in my opinion) went a bit crazy and got angry with them. This lot have a very selfish mentality when it comes to going out and getting into places (as we are all underage :s) whereby if one gets in one stays in, dontcha know. So she'd been left outside and now it was up to us to search for her. Of course I would glady search for her, but I'm scared of being around town on my own after dark and everyone else was convinced she'd be fine (she'd left her phone at a friends house so was uncontactable) and I was also getting "this is supposed to be A's night Holly*, dont worry about H she'll be fine" in my ear. I also recieved a shouty phone call from friend D telling me I was being unfar; I hung up soon after. So reluctantly I agreed to come with the lot I was with to attempt getting into one of the local gay bars (surprisingly, their idea, not mine). On our way there I spotted a familiar looking figure on the other side of the road further on; we all screamed H's name and the figure looked up. Now I am by no means the fastest runner but when it comes to friends (this one in particular; we've known each other since we were foetuses - literally) I'm there as fast as possible, hence I was the first to her and didnt let go of her until everyone else caught up with us and bundled us :) funtimes. So I get out my phone to text friends D, E & F that we've found H only to see a text from D; "Holly* stop being a bitch for once in your life, why are you fucking having a go at us?" etc etc. Naturally, quite angry, I simply sent a rather curt text to her and E simply saying "we've found her." Then we didnt get into the club because it was closed so we started making our way back down the highstreet. On our way down, myself, B and C were walking together and I was talking to C when we suddenly realised B wasnt there. I span around only to see her snogging the face off some random guy. Ok so I'm no prude, but after new years I get really pissed off and worried, quite frankly, when my friends still 'get off with' an average of 3 guys a night each, all guys they've never met before, and always when they're completely trashed. So C and I go to get B as we were losing the others and needed to catch up, only this guy didnt seem to want to finish with B's face anytime soon. Feeling my temper rising, I told him very firmly to get off her. He didn't. She turned round and looked at us somewhat sheepishly. "Whaaat?" she says. "Just leave me alone Holly*". By this point she is quite drunk, understand, and this guy is grinning at me all slimy and innocent which just riles me further. C implores her we need to get going but she doesnt listen. Nor does this guy. So I drag him off her with a little difficulty but when Im angry enough I get strength from somewhere. B protests and so does he, in his own hilarious grinning way, and he goes to square up to me. I get there first and tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off. He laughs and slopes across the road getting his phone out. C has moved on a bit further and calls to us to hurry up. B and I start walking and she starts moaning at me "whats your problem etc" "if you think I'm a slag just say so". So I tell her, yeah I think you can be a bit of a slag to be honest, but Im not allowed to say that am I cos then Im a bitch. I just worry about you and I dont think you get that. So the two of us ended up having a bit of a shouting match in the middle of the street with that guy still hanging around (so I shout at him to bugger off at regular intervals; "you aint getting any from either of us so fuck off mate" etc. yeah I know, Im 'ard ;) haha) and we argue for a bit more, her not making much sense in her drunkeness and me feeling increasingly out of control and heading towards another melt down. A voice far off calls to B and she toddle off in the middle of a sentence, so I walk the other way and start rolling a fag round a slight corner so I dont have to deal with whoever it is. Soon after I hear B asking some guy for a fag. "How desperate are you darling?" comes the response. Drunk and confused she replies "What? Have you got a fag I can have or not?" Again his lewd response, "I said how desperate are you darling?". Fearing my point about the dangers of random men was about to be proved, I peered round the corner to assess the situation. She seems a safe distance away and there are other people around...including two people I'd rather not have seen; sender of last weeks nasty email F and sender of nasty text D. I can tell you now, the way they both looked at me...it nearly killed me. It was like a mocking look, like "god she's pathetic, and weird, and hateful, and a bitch" etc. Instead of dying, I just burst into tears. I dont know where all the tears came from, but come they did. Any form of cigarette rolling fell from my hands and I started sliding down the wall. As my knees weakened I was aware of someone approaching; ironically enough, it was the first guy who had 'met' B and I had told to fuck off, he came over with his hand outstretched "Hey...you ok?" The next thing I know, I hear F & D - "Oy leave her alone" "Just fuck off" "Get away from her". More than slightly shocked I tried to steady myself, but there was no need. The next thing I hear, instead of them coming to me and asking if I was ok, was F saying to D, "Im so taking some of the credit for that, we got him to leave her alone." At least D had the sense to tell her to shut up. At that, my knees completely failed and a fresh wave of tears swept over me. B suddenly materialised (without a cigarette; she has some sense then) and fell to her knees beside me, trying to put an arm around me. Sobering slightly, she tells F & D "Guys I dont really think this is the right time." They ignore her. "No B we need to talk to her. This isnt fair. We've tried talking to her but theres never a right time is there?" "Yeah and now isnt it either." The whole conversation is pretty much burnt into my mind. The worst part was when, between insults, they told me "We've given you so many chances." That hurt. They've given ME chances? Who's the one grappling with homophobic friends with shit for brains and a space where their hearts should be, at the same time as balancing anti depressants with sleeping pills and the worry of court dates and HIV tests and the fact that because of all this I am going to HAVE to come out to my parents (more on that later) and the fact that I cant sleep even with the pills and I jump at every little noise and I barely leave the house because I cant deal with people and I cant make decisions even as simple as which fucking foot to put which sock on and the fact that Im failing college and probably starting again from scratch next year and that I feel like Im losing everything? I know grammer got fucked up the arse there but you get the point. Everytime they hurt me I go back to them. I forgive them. Even though each time in my heart of hearts I want to talk to them and tell them how I feel, I dont, because they're not good at that. So they've given ME chances? Fuck off. Eventually they say they have to get going to be home on time, but whenever I'm "ready to apologise and sort things out" I know where they are. B goes to say goodbye to them, and I cant stop crying. My heart literally felt like they'd just played football with it. I didnt know what else to do, so I got out my phone and called my parents. One good thing that has come out of all this shit is that my relationship with my parents has improved no end. I love them to peices, they could not have been better at dealing with all this. They were the only people I could turn to. In tears, I begged my dad to come and pick me up. Calmly, (though who knows what horrors were going through his head as his daughter rang home in tears begging for him to come and get her) he asked where I was and said they'd be there any minute. Time could not have passed slower. B came back and I told her I was going home, but then I realised that the people she was supposed to be staying with were long gone, so I called C (because even though I was near hysterical I was in a better state for phonecalls than drunken B) and asked her to send A & H back for B. A & H arrived to get B and were no doubt bemused as to what the fuck had happened. I couldnt stop crying still. Moments later, I hear a commotion, look up and see the welcome sight of my fathers arms. He helps me up, barely able to look at my friends (cant blame him, they were a right drunken state, a disgrace to be honest. more on that later...) and holds me for a minute, though I know he just wants to get me into the car and home as soon as possible. B stumbles with us to the car and dad thanks her as we get in the car. He gets in the back with me and I sob into his shoulder. I was a mess. Again. God knows how mum managed to drive home without asking 5000000000 millions questions, but she did. We got home and I just cried and told them what had happened and how I was not coping with anything at all and needed them so bad. I literally cannot describe how I was feeling at the time. My heart actually hurt. But mum and dad were there. At 3am they listened to me, hugged me when I wanted and held a hand on my shoulder when I couldnt hug, supplied copious tissues and water, and when it was time, mum came and tucked me into bed and rubbed the back of my neck like she used to when I was a baby until I fell asleep.

The next day I just stayed curled in bed for as long as possible until I had to get ready to go to the theatre with mum. Mum and dad really picked me up in the day, so by the time we went to the theatre I felt at least semi-human enough to enjoy the play. The only downer being that D was there too so I avoided her like the plague and mum understood when I asked her if we could basically make a mad dash to leave at the end. Since then a lot of other stuff has happened, but right now it is 0248 and I need some sleep! Apologies for the length of this post, but I cant promise the next ones will be any shorter! I will crack on with those as soon as I can tomorrow, for my sake as well as your entertainment (;) lol) as I feel I might be on a roll now and need an emotion-dump :) classy phrasing I know.

Coming up; anti depressants, police officers and coming out! yaaaaaay.
*sarcy and ironic face* (shut up, thats a possible expression and you know it).

Til tomorrow...

hmmm

Some of you on twitter will be aware that I'm having a little difficulty with my 'friends' at the moment, and early twitpic-ed a screenshot of a facebook status that I found upsetting;
The red box is my (real) name. Names and faces have been covered blah blah blah. Shortly after this the girl whose status this was struck up a little chat convo with me asking me 'how my night was last night' before 'drunkenly' slurring and saying she was 'completely bungalowed'. Upon my asking what she wanted she said it was not really her, I asked who it was; no answer. A little confused and more than a little angry, I checked the status again. The original "Lol I hate -----" had been removed and replaced. I replied. She replied to my reply;Since that I have not replied (what can you say to that ridiculousness?) and she has proceeded to parade around facebook being a complete DICK. As of yet, I am unsure if it is actually her, or one of her/our equally small minded friends who has hacked into her account and used it to have a good old laugh at every one else's expenses.

So there you have it. Just felt like explaining this. Any views? Will update this saga in due course. LOL.

Apologies.

For my severe lack of blog entries over the recent weeks. I have been meaning to sit down and write out several entries, all likely to be very long, but have just not been able to find the time or the energy. Still dont have either right now. For the last few weeks I've been struggling a lot; with friends, family, myself...pretty much everything. I'm getting to the point where I'm just feeling tired of everything, and everything's stacking up. Mostly as a result of what happened at NY's but to be honest I think that was just a trigger that exacerbated existing and underlying problems. Right now though I need to get some sleep, and try not to get too worried about tomorrow; put it this way, the test results I get back tomorrow are for something that I never thought I would have to be tested for at the age of 16, if ever, something that I wouldn't have to have been tested for if it weren't for what happened, and is something that takes approximately 3 months to test for; "do the math". And although its like 99.999999% likely to be negative, I cant help but worry a little. (Although according to my friends, I'm worrying for nothing at all and being stupid, cheers.)
So for now, goodnight, because I fucking need my sleep right now. I will post again tomorrow (hopefully, twitters know I've been saying that most days for weeks) all being well, and will more than likely have a lot to say if I do. Too tired. Laters.

I feel a storm a'coming.

I wont say anything more now.
I'll just wait.