Too much.

Evening all.
Firstly I would like to say, before I get started on the meat of this post, a big thank you to all those people on Twitter who have been amazingly kind and supportive to me over the past month or so. It really hasn't been an easy time for me, but some of you in particular have been absolutely amazing.
I would also like to apologise to those same people on Twitter, and any other followers, who have had to put up with my erratic tweeting/moaning/general misery over said month. Once more, thank you.

So, it's been a while.
My last post was before the trial began, and also mentioned how L had said something that lead me to believe she had feelings for me.
First things first; the trial. It didn't exactly get off to a great start, thanks to the fuck-up that calls itself an 'organisation' (what a joke-as my auntie put it; "they couldn't organise a bunk up in a brothel) - the CPS. Long story short the trial either had to start from scratch with a new judge the next day, or wait until next fucking March; guess which option we went for? It was exhausting. Every day I geared myself up for the fact that I could be called any minute, and for the irate two days; nothing. I tell you, sitting around doing shit all in that environment really takes its toll. Eventually, on the Friday (when the trial was due to end, fat chance) I gave my evidence. I can't really explain how it felt, to have to stand up there and be cross examined. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, but I ended up in floods of tears. To stand up there, having to remember what happened that night, what he did to me, what he made me do to him, in front of everyone, and to be basically accused of lying by the defence barrister...there are no words. I felt...exposed. So entirely vulnerable, like my heart was being ripped out and my soul, my character, was out for all to see and examine. I practically broke down at one point. I'd been told I could stop at any point for a break, but I knew that if I left that room I wouldn't want to go back in. So I stood my ground, and told my side. At times I felt anger; anger that I had to remember that night, anger at the things this woman (the defence barrister) was implying, anger at the man who I thankfully couldn't see but knew was standing so close. Fury, at times, threatened to overwhelm me, but I knew I could not break, would not break. Besides the fact that getting angry and 'smart' with the defence wouldn't help at all, I just knew I could not let myself be broken like that. So instead, I spoke through gritted teeth when needed and through tears when I couldn't fight them anymore. When it was over, and I was dismissed, I felt drained. I cried and cried and cried. My SOLO, R, who was nothing short of amazing, a rock to me, throughout, had been allowed to sit behind me while I spoke, so was instantly on hand to get me out of there. We left and my parents enveloped me. We all cried. Then the court broke for a short while, and after that, L was up to give her evidence. I was outside having a cigarette and she came out 5minutes later. Neither of us were sure if we were now allowed to talk to each other. That moment then, me sitting there, her standing there, just looking at each other, me wanting to badly to just hug her, was horrendous. Finally we were told, yes, it's ok now, and I didn't want to let go. Having been through something all too similar years ago, I knew the process wouldn't have been fun for her, all the more considering her hints of feelings for me. To sum up the next period of time, I went to my brothers with him and stayed there til all my friends who were giving evidence had finished and then came round to his too. Eventually, the court day ended and we could all be together. That night L and I spoke properly, but that's for later.
When court broke for the weekend, and indeed, right up until the verdict, it all seemed to be going well. Our barrister seemed confident, and even the judge seemed to be leaning towards favouring the prosecution.
But it was all for nothing.
"They found the bastard innocent."
Those were the words my father said, and then he started crying. The moment he came in the room, the verdict was written all over his face, the pain, the anger, and the sorrow. My mother was crying, my brother was crying, my SOLO was crying, and L had gone outside to cry. I didn't. I couldn't. I just felt numb. It wasn't for a few more minutes that it swallowed me, but even then it wasn't sadness. It was anger. That fury, that rage that had held its hand over me while I stood in court, slammed down on me. But I had to reign it in. I don't think damaging court property and premises would have been a good way to end things. I needed to get out of there. Nobody knew what to say. I certainly didn't. Over the next few hours, when I had presumed I would go into 'shut down', I found myself able to claw my way out for breath. I would not close down. We went home, and over the next few hours gradually more and more people came to see me and say how sorry they were. There wasn't much I could say. At least it's over.
Even now, I'm not 100% sure how I feel. Angry? Yes. Sad? Yes. Relieved? Oddly, yes. At least it's over.
The system let me down.
Everyone, the police, the barrister, all my support workers, even the judge knew the right verdict, but the truth is, with rape cases, convictions are hard to get. At the moment the figures show that in rape cases, the prosecution level stands at 6 per cent. 6 PER CENT. Women are encouraged to come forward and report this abominable crime, but for what? For the hell of reliving it in a public arena, being called a liar, watching the hell their family goes through as they learn the details? The system is quite frankly BULLSHIT. That man's fate was in the hands of people who have no idea of the torment, the pain, the agony of living as a victim of rape, and they set him free, because there were doubts. I fully appreciate that the jury system may save countless innocent people from prison, but it's plain to see that it is riddled with failings. At the backs of the minds of every one of those jurors was the real possibility of sending a man to prison. How can you claim that would not have had an effect? Strangers cannot be impartial. Maybe there isn't a clear solution, but when only 6 per cent of these evil men are convicted, how can anyone say our justice system works? This 'justice' system hasn't only failed me, and rendered me scared to leave my house in the knowledge that he is still allowed to walk around, free and innocent in the eyes of the law, but it has failed hundreds of women, and will fail countless more. It makes me furious, it breaks my heart that anyone who goes through what I went through, which wasn't even as vicious as this crime can be, have such a small hope of justice. I am now supposed to move on with my life, build a future, but how? Everyone told me how I was right to take it to the police, that I was so brave to take it to court when so many wouldn't, but would I have simply saved myself the pain of those words: not guilty? Would it not be better for women everywhere to exact their own brand of justice on those bastards by having extensive counselling and building happy, successful lives? Of course it would, but it's not that easy. How easy would you find it if, as in my case, your virginity was ripped from you? That act of love, of giving yourself to someone so completely, with so much trust, that you had always warned the chance to give, was stolen from you? How easily could you move on, even if the bastard was incarcerated, let alone if he was allowed to walk away scot free? The justice system is a failure. Men who steal are convicted. Men who rape are not. Rape is stealing a woman’s right, rape is an evil act. The cunt who ruined me apparently considers rape to be 'when the man is violent and beats the woman up and stuff', according to his evidence. Is that not what rape will mean to too many more? The justice system FAILS US.
And I am lost for words.
What more can I say? What more can any one person do? One person who can't even leave the house and go into her local town centre because she knows HE lives nearby! Some small mercy, some small, small solace could, I suppose be found in that fact that his name was published, his address, his details. Anyone who reads the local paper and has the slightest bit of self respect wouldn't go near him. He will be the one who people know was accused, and I can only hope that others can see the truth, even if the court couldn't. I hold onto the conversation overhead by my mother in a local shop - on a day when the headline in the local paper read 'WOMEN WARNED AFTER TWO SEX ATTACKS IN TWO DAYS' my mother heard one woman say to another as they perused the headline; "well it's like that bloke who lives round here, they found him innocent but he was guilty as sin".
Small mercies, small hopes.
6 percent. Gone.

So now I have to move forwards.

My attempts to continue an education I desperately want but am unable to pursue in the full time manner due to previously mentioned inability to leave the house without feeling terrified, and my crippling body hang ups thanks to the weight that has piled on with the depression, have also been scuppered. The local college, that I did attend until it became impossible for me to do so, have the monopoly on local A Level evening classes...which you can only complete if you're aged 19 or over. What a joke. But I won't start on that now. Suffice to say we are battling on this one.

Battling. Constantly.
But there's one more battle that will not be fought anymore.
As some of you will know, over the last few months my grandmother has been in and out of hospital with various problems, and has been really very ill. As of last week, she had accepted she would not be able to return to her own home, and faced losing her leg. Then she lost the use of one of her hands. Then her kidneys packed in. Then she lost blood flow to her foot. Then the infection in her leg started spreading throughout the rest of her body. Then it was realised, that it simply wasn't fair to let her keep fighting, and in so much pain. The doctors and my family agreed it was best for her to simply make her comfortable. And then yesterday, she slipped away from us.
Fortunately, we all got to say goodbye. Mum, dad, brother and I all went to see her the day before. At that point she did still seem to know us. I sat with her, on my own as I had wanted, not knowing what to say. Seeing her like that...that wasn't my Nan lying there. That was an old woman, so small, and old. I held her hand, and she gripped so hard. I told her I love her, and would miss her, and would never forget her. I told her that I would always remember her whenever I eat Semolina and Ginger Nut biscuits, and said "na-night nanny nicely, bye nanny properly" for that last time, though I didn't know it. She wasn't fully with it, and kept saying "must be quick, must be quick", but when I said "I love you" she opened her eyes, looked at me and said "I love you too." When I left the room I turned and looked at her, and her arm was still stretching out to where I had just been sat. I'm crying now as I write this, and remember the last time I saw her alive. None of us actually thought she would go so fast, so it was still a bit of a shock. When mum and dad walked through the door while I was drying the dishes and L came down the stairs after her shower, I knew there was no other reason they would both be here, home at this time. It broke my heart seeing my dad like that. He cried on my shoulder, but I couldn't cry. I just felt so utterly numb. I think I barely blinked for the next few hours. I've never lost a relative before; I still don't know if I'm grieving right. When I was younger, my Nan was such a big part of my life. I'd spend weekends with her, go out on day trips with her, and spend New Years with her when my parents wanted to see their friends. I will hold so many good memories of her, but sadly, also many bad ones. I can't fully yet banish the images of her over the last few years, each time she was in hospital, each time she got ill again. I've never thought of her as old, but at 85, she had lived such a long life. A fighter through and through was my Nan, surviving wars, heart attacks, a stroke, cancer, nervous breakdowns...but she couldn't win every fight. She couldn't beat time. I still can't believe she's gone. Until now, I haven't cried much, I don't know why, but believe me I'm crying now. I'm going to miss her so much. She can't be gone. My Nan, the invincible woman, how can she be gone? My dad is being so amazing, he's lost his mother but he's staying as strong as he can. Sure, I've seen him cry more this past year that in all the rest of my life put together, but he's the strongest man I know. My sister, who's living in Australia, got to say goodbye to Nan when we did, albeit over the phone. Nan knew who she was talking to. She was so proud of my sister, so proud. I only recently found out that the last thing my Nan said to my sister before she moved away was "if you're going for 3 years I expect I'll never see you again." My sister really wanted to come home the day she said goodbye to Nan, but she's now decided to stay out there, which we all agree is the right thing for her to do. All this does make me miss my sister, which I haven't really done for a while. It's hard that he doesn't know everything that's gone on this year, but it's the right thing in the circumstances.

So as it stands, Nan’s funeral will be this Tuesday coming. I've never been to a funeral before, and in a way I think I hoped I never would. I don't want to have to say goodbye. But my Nan will live forever, where it really matters; in our hearts.

I'll always love you Nan, and I miss you more than words can say. I hope you're as proud of me as I am of you, proud I had you in my life, proud that I had you as my Nan. You will be my inspiration, to keep fighting, to keep living as I want to. I will not let this beat me, I will not. You never did. No matter what life did, you held your head high and carried on. You loved your boys, you loved their wives and you loved us, their children. You loved so much, and I will miss you so, so much. We all will. You kept fighting. Right til the very end when you still kept trying to take those bandages off! I will make you proud. I will. I love you Nan. I miss you. Please stay with me. Please help me live as you lived- with love and kindness, as I knew you. Na-night nanny nicely, goodbye nanny properly. You will NEVER be forgotten.

You can't see how much I'm crying right now. But I think I needed that. Writing that, and crying now, I need to cry. I haven't done enough of it recently really. Mum keeps telling me it's ok to cry, and I know it is, but I'm always afraid I won't be able to stop. This year has been, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst of my life. I won't be sorry to see the back of it...but I think I'll stay at home this New Year.

As for things with L...well...!
I feel tired and worn out now but I know how therapeutic writing is for me, and I know if I don't do this now I never will.
Basically, on the Saturday before the trial I think it was, L sent me a text that said something like "I love you more than you realise" so I replied with "Are you trying to tell me something?"
To be honest, I was mainly joking! I didn't think she would reply with "Well yes I am, but it's not the right time to tell you are it?” In the lead up to the trial, we didn't talk much about it, but apparently it was obvious to my SOLO and the other police officer in charge that something was going on! After Friday, L came home with us and stayed the night. I think we were all feeling on a bit of a strange high, I know I was. Having done my bit, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and we all relaxed with a few drinks. When we went up to bed conversation eventually came to what had been said in the texts the other night. Long story short (ha! I hear you cry!) she told me that she had feelings for me and wanted more than just friendship and I said I wasn't sure how I felt, but that I know I love her and she's my best friend and I don't ever want to lose her. The weekend was...interesting. There was a new level to our friendship that we both had to get used to, but it was nice. Flirtier jokes and comments, and texts between us that sometimes shocked me and made me grin a little at the same time. But it was nice. And after the trial, I came to realise that I did feel the same for her. I would be lying if I said that when I first met her I didn't find her attractive, but as I knew she had a boyfriend I pushed any feelings like that aside if ever they came up. She truly became my best friend, and life would seriously have been shit without her.
But then, after the verdict, things seemed to change.
I know it wasn't easy for her either, and she sat in for his evidence which undoubtedly brought back a lot of unpleasant memories. She went away the next weekend as she had already planned, for a friend’s house warming party, and when she left things didn't feel right. She said she needed some time to think and we'd talk when she got back. Only we didn't. And then she had to go back up to Essex to see him again. And then her closest brother was rushed into hospital, where, as far as I know as she isn't telling me much, he still is. There's also the matter of P, her brothers best friend who she had a thing with a while back, is really close to and is completely in love with her. And basically, it would seem she doesn't know how she feels. He knows about how she says she feels for me, and he was more than a little shocked apparently. Other than him, no one else knows. I just don't know what to do. She's obviously been spending a lot of time with P recently because of her brother, but it's hard. I'm trying to be understanding, and be there for her, but when she doesn't tell me what's going on and when she doesn’t talk to me, it's hard to know what to do. She keeps saying there's a couple of things she's wants to say to me but she also doesn't want to, and that if I push her she won't say anything. I also now know she spent the night with P last night, and whilst she says nothing happened, that he was just there to talk about her brother and then they had a fair few drinks and he just ended up staying, and while I believe her, I'm just struggling. They have a lot of history that I know about, and whilst she says she loves me and misses me when she's not with me, when she's on the phone to him or texting him I find it hard to even be in the same room. I haven't spoken to her about it, because with everything going on in both our lives I don't want to upset the balance, but I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know what's going on between us, between her and P, I don't know how her brother is, and she won't talk to me. She's says she knows she can talk to me about anything and that I'm one of the few people she trusts, but then seems to be holding so much back from me. I don't think it’s just 'jealousy' but I don't know what to do. Blame it on my star sign Taurus or whatever, but when I fall for someone I fall hard. This is only the second time I've ever felt like this, and the other girl I badly fell in love with decided to cut me out of her life when she found out I liked her. I so don't want to lose L, but I don't know what to so.

Things are just stacking up again. When the trial ended, other than the feelings I had over the verdict, I also felt relieved it was over. But now, I think I'm not dealing with it as well as I thought, and now Nan’s gone and the situation with L is getting unbearably painful for me and with everything else, I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed again. I've already regrettably reverted to 'old habits' as it were once and I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I can't switch off, can't relax, can't breathe, can't sleep brilliantly again, despite this glorious new bed. Most days I'm walking round with my head working a mile a minute and freaking out. Mainly about L if I'm honest. I'm just worrying about everything. I don't think my medication is helping massively at the moment, and my psych nurse was planning to change my medication soon so I'm worrying about that too!
Part of me just wants to get fucked hammered and pass out, part of me wants to go and smash things, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and die, part of me wants to scream and shout and cry, but no one part of me can decide what I actually AM going to do.

So right now I'm lying awake crying, worried about L because she was going home tonight to meet with her brothers doctor to discuss his situation and I haven't heard from her, worried about mum and dad, worried about how my brother's coping with Nan being gone, worried about my sister on her own on the other side of the fucking world and wondering what the hell the last 3 months of this shitty year are going to throw at me now.

But other than all of that, everything is rosy in this Finch's garden.

Time to get some sleep now I think. Apologies for the length of this post again, as you can see a lot has been going on since my last post so it was sort of necessary. Thank you once more for your support. I just hope it can be enough.

H.x

Monday, Tuesday, Happy Days.

So, Monday down; I went and viewed my video evidence.
Obviously it wasnt much fun whilst I was watching it, but I had my SOLO there by my side throughout the whole thing with a friendly arm round me when I needed it which helped. Afterwards, strangely enough I didnt feel as crap as I thought I would. Something about me kicked in and I felt stronger, more positive. Although I know this case could easily not go the right way, Im feeling more confident about coping with everything. Though I could be wrong and fall to pieces but hey we'll take it one day at a time.

Now Tuesday is almost through, and I met with the barrister.
Firstly, true to form in my life the barrister we were expecting was involved in another case that was going on longer than expected so we had to have a new one, who was then late because he got lost. Overall though the meeting with him went well, and although things seem a bit last minute and chaotic, the barrister assured us that this was normal and not to be too worried. He gave me some more advice about answering questions and answered all the questions we had, so Im feeling ok about that.

So overall I'm feeling...ok about the trial at the minute. But as I say, that could all change.

On another note, things seem to have suddenly got a bit complicated with my best friend L after something she said in a text last night, eg either I jumped to the wrong conclusion or shes got feelings for me. She was beating herself up about having said anything now as shes knows I've got enough on, but we've just said we'll leave it for now and talk about it some other time. So yeah, MY LIFE IS NEVER SIMPLE IS IT?!?!

H.x

Well apparently fucking not.

RE; Last post. Fucking failed. You saw my tweets about it. Monday is nearly here which means viewing my evidence, something I'm obviously not looking forwards to. Then on Tuesday I meet with my barrister and then Wednesday strikes. Oh deepest joy. Sensing sarcasm? Good.

For now, I'm feeling pretty crap after Friday's failure. Basically my driving test was going really quite well, and I came up to the last roundabout before the test center thinking "Oh my god, I'm actually going to do this." And then some git of a van driver decided that it would be fun to get in the wrong lane and then pull out in front of me as I moved because the way looked clear. The examiner had to slam on the brakes and that was it. "Shit. Fuck. Well thats me failed." And it was. Oh well. I had my period of shut down when I got home, then I had a cry, and now I'm feeling a bit better about it. Still feeling shit about it, but slowly realising that although its just one more thing in my life thats gone wrong, it might not actually be the end of the world. My driving instructor texted me today to say that he has booked me another test for the beginning of November, and I text back thanking him but also adding that if there was any chance of a cancellation before then, as long as its not this week obviously, then I'm free for that so it'd be much appreciated. No reply so far.

Apart from that I'm just doing the usual and bumming around, eating and smoking too much and doing too little. My progress in terms of reading is still increasing though, I've read quite a few books and got a few more sitting waiting to be read. I have thus far read and enjoyed; The Twilight series/saga and The Host (Stephanie Meyer), War Horse (Micheal Morpurgo) and... Suddenly I cant for the life of me remember what other ones I've read are and I'll be buggered if I'm going upstairs to check. My 'To Read' list is a little longer; Time Travellers Wife, Altas Shrugged, The God Delusion, The Dice Man, Million Little Pieces, My Friend Leonard, Picture of Dorian Gray, The Great Gatsby and quite a few more. And the book of Let The Right One In and another by the same guy that're on their way to me. So plenty to get through methinks.

Onwards and upwards hey?
I'll try to be on twitter etc as much as I can over the next week, but as I'm sure you can understand things wont exactly be much fun for me so chances are I'll be curled up in a ball somewhere. But I know there's a fair few of you who'll be thinking of me and whose support I can count on, and for that I thank you, more than you will ever now.

Stay safe, play nice, and sleep tight.

H.x

Over and out :)

So I promised you details; I'll talk you through the few important days, as I know some of you are dying for details (not naming names Josi :P), and then give you a general update as to how things are going.

Tuesday.
Recieved a phone call from my SOLO, R, as promised when I spoke to her before we went away last week, to arrange a time/date for her to come round and help me tell the parents the necessary. We decided on Friday at 1pm. My nerves were mounting already.

Thursday.
My friend L wanted to go out for a meal with us, and I was grateful for the distraction to be honest, otherwise I'd just have been sitting there trembling while my parents wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I got the sense that something was up with L anyway, and was right. Suffice to say her (now ex-) boyfriends parents were being twats, and she was having a bit of difficulty with him too. While we were out I rang my auntie, as she'd said I could, to talk to her. I told her that R was coming round tomorrow at 1pm to help me tell mum and dad. Just chatted for a while and she eased some of my worries and helped me figure out what I was going to actually physically say. My friend then eventually stayed round mine, and we just talked about the next day and how I was feeling about it.


Friday.
L had work at 9am, so I had to semi-wake up then to say goodbye. Mum gave her a lift to work and I went back to bed for an hour or so, as my counsellor wasnt coming round until 11.30am. I woke up again properly at about 11am and my stomach was churning. I was hungry but when I tried to eat anything, I just felt, quite honestly, that I was going to bring it back up again sometime soon. So I gave up with the eating and instead sat on the garden bench shaking like a leaf and chain smoking. 11.30 came and went...and I was getting worse. She was only ten minutes late due to a meeting finishing late, but by the time my counsellor arrived at twenty to 12 I was borderline a mess. I made her a cup of tea and then explained why I was really quite so in need of seeing her. I told her everything she needed to know, and she offered to be there too but said perhaps it might be best if it was just the four of us, but that she could come back later if we needed her. We'd pretty much just finished anyway, but then dad came home at 12.30. I said goodbye to her and went for another cigarette. While I was outside mum arrived home and I knew it was all getting very close. I came in and sat down, and soon enough the doorbell rang. I jumped up ("I'll get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") and answered the door. R greeted me with a kind and knowing smile, and I welcomed her in. She went and said hi to my parents while I put the kettle on. She then joined me in the kitchen and I quietly told her the way I thought it would be best to do this. We'd go through whatever answers she could give us to the questions we asked at the pre-trial court visit, and then I'd take over. I began to relax a little as we went through the questions we had, as it took a bit longer than I'd expected so I had the time to relax. However, as I saw we were answering the last question on the list, my heart sped up by several thousand notches. Then my dad said what I was waiting for; "So, is that everything?"
I looked at R and spoke. I cant remember exactly what I said, but I started by asking them not to interrupt me for a minute, and to just let me talk. I told them that I had something to tell them and it might go some way to explaining the extent and length of my depression, as well as my falling out with my friends and why January was so hard. I told them that I have to tell them as its to do with the case, and that its the strongest piece of evidence in the case for prosecution. I then stumbled one hell of a lot, as getting the actual point of this out was the hardest bit. In the end, I settled for the way I told my auntie and counsellor - "the reason what happened in January was so hard, is because I dont like men." (a phrasing that my mother later realised was quite funny, but more on that later.)

I'm not really sure what I expected, but it certainly wasnt what happened.
I couldnt look at either of my parents, just stared at the floor, but I heard my dad clear enough. He said that my mum and he had had, not their suspicions, but 'an inkling' that that might have been the case, but that it didnt matter to them one bit. At which point I think I may have said 'bloody hell' and laughed a little. R gave me a little smile and a hand on my shoulder. I welled up and my mum spoke. 'It really doesnt matter. If anything it makes sense.' - kind of thing. She then saw I was starting to cry, with relief more than anything, and started crying too. She then asked if she could hug me, to which I replied "please". At which point R said it was probably a good time for her to leave, as we would obviously need time to ourselves. We all thanked her, and I walked to the door with dad to let her out. She gave me a hug goodbye and told me to call her if I needed anything. It was around this time that my mum then got that sudden strange headache you may remember I mentioned, so most of our energy was then focused on looking after mum. She really was in a hell of a lot of pain, and I must admit that the pain and sensation she described, namely that it was down one side of her face and her teeth were feeling strange, did make me panic a bit inside and think it was a stroke. We've since been to the hospital and it wasnt. While she was in a lot of pain, she was worried that I thought it was my fault. Yes, a part of me worried that the shock of me had caused it, and although that was true mum assured me it wasnt in a bad way. She said it was probably because the way I'd been talking as I led up to it sounded a lot worse than it was, and she was thinking "oh god, what else happened that night that we dont know about", and the speed with which she got up to hug me probably didnt help.
Eventually, after going to bed for a little while, the pain eased off and she felt just about ok. The three of us had a group hug while I stood there mumbling, still worried that they werent being honest and that they'd much rather chuck me out or something. No idea why. Dad was brilliant. He told me that it doesnt matter to them 'what' I am as it were, only 'who', and they love who I am. Mum would have been brilliant, but the headache kind of got in the way. She was still great though. She's the kind of mother who doesnt shut up, and while I love her for it, it does get annoying :P Even when she was lying down in agony and we were telling her just to keep quiet to help the head, she was saying that obviously she'll have questions. I told her I could certainly guess a few she might have.
So, we then quickly had a talk about my brother. We all agreed that while he obviously needs to know, it might not be the best idea to tell him that day or indeed that week, as he was going to be stressed with all the moving and such like, so we've agreed that we'll leave it a week or so til he's settled into his (AMAZING!) new house and then tell him. Then soon after, my brother arrived and we all helped load the furniture we were giving him into the van. Mum and I then arranged to go out for a meal with best friend H and her mum in Wagmama's before I went round to H's to stay the night. We had a lovely evening, and on the way to Waga's I stopped mum, gave her a big hug and told her thank you and that I love her. She told me she loved me too :)
As I say, I then stayed round H's house that night. Partly because I havent seen her in ages, partly to give me a bit of fun after the emotional day but mostly to give mum and dad some time to talk. While I was at H's I discovered that I suck at Guitar Hero and Marcus was nominated. Then we stayed up til the early hours just chatting, and the subject inevitably turned to the guys. Now I wont bore you with the conversation as thats not what this post is about, but I did end up crying a bit and she hugged my legs (we were top-to-tailing) :) In some ways its easy talking to her but in other ways its harder, as I know I'm always putting her in a difficult position when I talk about the guys. She's still friends with them and enjoys doing things with them, even though she doesnt like how they've treated me, so its tricky.
Anyway, eventually she fell asleep, and a good few hours later I did too. Not before she frightened me with her sleep talking again, helpful lass.

Saturday and onwards.
H's dad dropped me home on the way to giving H a lift to work, and only mum was home. Dad was helping my brother with the first big van load of stuff from his old house, which turned into a bit of a disaster thanks to the van breaking down. Mum's headache was still lingering and she was a bit worried so asked if I'd come to A&E with her. I told her of course I would dont be silly, and off we went. The doctor thought it could have been a small haemorrhage or something called Temporal Arterius [sic] but the blood tests didnt confirm that, so at the minute we're none the wiser. Just having to see how she goes from now on. After that we went round to my brothers new house where they were unloading the second van load, and got the grand tour. Now this time last year my brother was living in quite a nice house when the landlord said he needed them to get out in a month. In that month only one place was available to my brother at such short notice, so him and his friend had no choice but to move in there. It was an absolute DIVE. The last tenants hadn't taken care of it at all, and the landlord was shit. They had no hot water, no working washing machine, windows that wouldnt open, and so on. We were all amazed that he managed to last the 12 months to be quite honest. But this new place is BEAUTIFUL, seriously. I'm jealous. It's exactly the type of place I want to get in about 12 months time (actually, one of his 2 housemates might be gone then so I might get to live there, but I'm getting ahead of myself :P) and he really deserves it. He's so chuffed. That night mum, dad and I took him out to Double Locks for dinner and drinks to 'celebrate' as we didnt know when we'd get a chance to over the next few days, and it was really nice to spend some time with him. We helped him some more on Sunday afternoon, giving the kitchen and bathroom tiles a once over, that sort of thing. They've yet to have new worktops and curtain rails put in but they knew that when they got the place and the landlordn assures them it'll be done soon. It's just been redecorated so its got that lovely new paint smell and is sparkling, with new carpets and everything. Its not a brand new property, so of course theres bound to be a few things that need TLC, eg some of the windows are a bit stiff and a few of the tiles in the kitchen nearly fell off in my hand when I was cleaning them (not my fault!) but thats the kind of thing the landlord is finishing up now. It's like the Tardis though! Some of the rooms are slightly bizarre shapes, such as the utility room next to the living room, which hides a toilet under the stairs which is a very roomy room! Also there's lots of strange cubby holes, but the two of them that have already got their stuff in (my brother and friend) have got so much stuff that combined with the third boys stuff, who's coming down from Dorset soon, they'll have no problem finding something to fill them with!

Today wasn't bad either. My parents and I went to Dawlish to this lovely cafe that does a lovely HUGE fried breakfast :D and I failed yet again to win a sat nav on the arcade game. I WILL beat it one of these days I tell you! While we were eating mum mentioned that we hadnt really spoken about Friday, she knew she had questions and did my dad? He said he didnt have any he wanted to ask in public :P so we'd probably talk about it later if necessary. We visited my nan on the way home, and she seems a bit better but her ulcerated leg has got a lot worse again which is affecting her mobility rehab. Just having to see how things go with her too.
Over dinner dad simply said that regarding what mum said at brunch, yes they had questions, but it wasnt deathly urgent. He said that his main questions were a) how long have I felt this way (I have noticed neither of them have said 'known' yet, but thats okay) and b) have I ever had a relationship or anything. I told him that the short answers were a) a while and b) no not really. ( I wasnt going to turn round at that point and say, "Well, unless you count my semi stalker from work who said she was in love with me and that she was going to leave her boyfriend whose baby she may or may not be pregnant with for me, and would I raise the child with her if she was" :s thats a story for another day if anyone wants to hear it!) To which he said, and this is quite sweet really, that the only reason he asked is because if my brother or sister ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend he'd want them to feel able to talk about it and 'bring them home' etc, and he wants me to know its the same for me :) Mum said that she (obviously) has a few more questions. I explained to her that while of course they're having to get used to knowing, I'm also going to have to get used to them knowing too. I told her that all the late night chats we've had over the past 12months have been gradual, and this would be the same. I've gone for so long without them knowing, it is going to be really odd now.
Mum has said a couple of funny things about this, my personal favourites being; "The way you told us was quite funny, now I think about it, 'I dont like men'...theres some men I dont like but I guess its a bit different isnt it?" and the utterly randomly said while we were putting my brothers DVD's on his shelves, "I'm suprised you didnt tell us while we were watching Skins to be honest..." Cos thats how down with the kids my mum is, she watches Skins with me :) Not anymore thats for sure! :P

And now I'm in bed.
The last few days have been, as seems to be par for the course with me, strange. Over the next few weeks, I have to go and give another statement to the police confirming my sexuality, and another one saying how everything has been since. As well as that, I have driving lessons, as my driving test is now in...FUCK! Just 18 days!?!?! Which does tell you when it is, meaning I go back on what I said last post...ah well, just dont talk to me about it :P

And then the trial.

So, another fun filled month to come, no doubt. But hey, things can only get better, right?

Hx

Woot woot!

Ok so as you may know if you've been following me on twitter, and as my blog readers will know it was happening today, today was indeed the day!
And I did it! I came out to my mum and dad :)
I was shaking like a leaf but I did it. Mum has just said that they way I was building up to it she was expecting something worse! But there you go :)
I'll blog the details later on as I'm off out now to Wagamama's with my mum, my best friend and her mum. Dad is helping my brother move the bigger bits of furniture into his new house eg beds etc, and then they're going to go for a pint. Decided to leave telling him for the minute, though of course he'll need to know before the trial too.
So yes, they didn't chuck me out and though there were tears, it wasnt because they were calling me names or anything :) which is always good.
I know certain people (not naming names Josi :P) want details of what happened, and you'll get them, if not tonight as I'm staying at my best friends house to give me a night off and mum and dad time to talk, then tomorrow.

But what I absolutely MUST do now, is to say a big thank you to everyone for their support. I wont name names at this point, but expect the next post to include a few personal thanks/tribute-y things. I honestly dont know where I'd be if it wasnt for you lot, so thank you, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU.

:)
Hx

Looming.

Some of the scariest days of my life are looming.

Firstly, tomorrow.
My friend has said I can stay at hers tomorrow night if I want, and I may take her up on that offer. I know things are going to be really strange at home and although I know I'm going to have to be at home sometime it might just be a good thing to give mum and dad some time and space, especially seeing as they'll more than likely be helping my brother move house almost straight after I tell them so wont have time to talk then. Plus it gives me a bit of a chance to chill and just talk to my friend.

Secondly, my driving test.
I'm not going to say when it is until the day before, as I dont want to put even more pressure on myself. Suffice to say its 5 days before the first date at court, so yay for perfect timing. Admittedly, its better than it could have been, as the first date WAS the first day at court but luckily we were able to change it. Having just come back from a driving lesson I can honestly say that I'm genuinely worried I wont be ready in time. I'd hoped I would be ready, considering how many lessons I've had by now, but I dont feel like I am. My driving instructor is still pretty confident I will be though, so I guess I'll just have to trust him on that. And cross my fingers rather hard.

Finally, the trial.
I'm not going to say too much about it at this moment in time, all I can say is that I'm not exactly looking forwards to it.

Stress is getting to me a bit at the moment, and I just know that this next month is going to be really difficult to say the least. 2009 has been a horrible, horrible year, and I cant wait for it to be over. I think this year I'll just stay in and watch Hootenany.

Furio. - Dear Liz.

EDIT: To any twitter friends or anyone who has something to say, I'd rather you posted it here so its all in one place. You can DM me too if you really want, but here would be great.

Ok, so its not entirely often I get angry, but when I do, I get really fucking angry.
Now as most of you will know, especially those of you who have bothered to read any of this blog and/or get to know me at all, this last year has been a bit tough on me, perhaps to say the least. For the most part, bar one or two idiots on twitter who have had a go at me for reasons beyond my control or understanding, I have found most of you twits/twitterers/tweeters/twats/etc to be a charming, lovely and oh so caring bunch. A fair few of you are actually going some way to restore some of my lost faith in humanity. (There's a compliment in there somewhere :P )
But some people aren't so understanding, or nice, or caring. Some people are just plain... twattish.
Now I have explained in the past my reasons for using a 'fake' name on twitter etc, though I feel in light of this I am going to have to do it YET AGAIN.

So, the reason for my fury.
There's a very nice lad on twitter, his name is @Abcmsaj/Alex Dixon, and as I say, he is a very nice young man, if a bit cheeky :P He's very clever when it comes to all things technology, and nice to talk to. I believe he has a lady friend, commonly known as a girlfriend, though I could be wrong. Now, besides the obvious fact, eg. you know, my being gay, there is nothing going on between us. For starters I dont really talk to him that much/enough to constitute anything going on.
However, someone somewhere seems to have other ideas, and is perhaps more than a little jealous of our non-existent relationship.

Now last night, this amiable young fellow alerted me to the fact that this particular person seems to have got the wrong idea, and gone a bit... over the top, shall we say. He pointed me in the direction of her blog, which highlights what seem to be her manufactured issues and, to my mind, slanderous comments. In her post, she says she cannot name names for legal reasons. I have no such qualms. I am here only presenting my 'side of the story' which she seems to have got so magnificently wrong. Also, if I'm going to 'bitch' about someone I'm damn well not going to pussy foot around the issue, and I'll certainly be making her aware of this.

Quite honestly I think all you need to do is read the offending blog post to figure out why I'm quite so peeved (and thats putting it lightly.) so heres the link.

So lets study some evidence, I like going all CSI ;)

Firstly, I dont think it takes a genius to work out that I am the Finch and Mr Dixon is the Birdwatcher, due to a) calling me the Finch, and b) the subtitle - 'Little Feathered Finches'; ironic no, seeing as my name here is FINCH and my blog is called LITTLE FEATHERS? At least try and be subtle my dear. Now feel free to call me paranoid on this front, but if that is the case then be fully prepared for me to tell you to stop talking out of your arse and read it again :)

Now, lets talk through it shall we? Should be fun.

1) Yes I have a 'double identity'. Pure and simple. My reasoning behind this? Well if you must be told again... actually lets put it hypothetically, ask you some questions and see if you cant get your head around it. Sod that, I'm angry about this particular part. Not that I'm under any obligation to explain myself to you little girl, but I'm the type of person who will not stand for being shat on, and thats what I consider this to be. So just imagine you were sexually assaulted 3 hours into the first day of 2009, and had something taken from you, something you can never get back, something that should have been yours and yours alone to give you who you chose, to someone you love and loves you. Say your friends all but deserted you because they were 'fed up' of your clinical depression, pissed off that you were 'no fun' to be around because the attention wasn't all on them, because it hadn't happened to them. Say your 'best' friends had been making homophobic comments to and about you ever since you'd finally worked up the guts to come out them, and ever since the attack they all but increased the intensity. Say your friends probably didn't believe you, that they'd called you a 'crap lesbian' before when a stranger tried to kiss you and didn't believe you when you told them you told him where to stick it, so a part of you cant help but think they just think you're making it up. Say you hadn't had a proper nights sleep in 6 months, always still awake at gone 1AM and not wanting to wake up in the morning. Say all your choices regarding how you live your life from now on were taken away from you, your choice as to when you come out to your parents was wrenched from you, because its the strongest piece of evidence in court. Say you ended up dropping out of college (your high school I think) because everything you'd ever been good at just suddenly vanished. Lets just say you wake up (eventually) on some mornings and want to die, dont think you're strong enough to carry on anymore, strong enough to face the world, strong enough to make the decisions as to whether or not you should bother to fight for those friendships you'd just lost but were all you'd had for the past 16 years. Lets pretend you didn't really like yourself anymore. You hate your own body, and mind, and soul, and you feel like you're letting everyone down. How about if you had so little regard for yourself, were made to believe by shit friends and strangers that you're not worth anything, would you want a little escape? A little place somewhere, where those people weren't, where you could be who you truly feel like you could be, make new friends, new bonds, new strides in your life, wouldn't you do the same? Wouldn't you want to separate it from your other life, at least a little, if you know that those 'friends' would mock your 'internet life' and call you a saddo, weirdo, and like you even less? Wouldn't you want to be someone else? Someone you actually might be able to like, to be proud to be?
Can you maybe comprehend that?
This Finch does have emotion little girl, perhaps too much. This Finch hurts every day, wants to bleed everyday but doesn't want to let her parents down any more. This Finch wants to fly, but is too fucking heavy everywhere. This Finch has a fucking burning, bleeding hole where her choices, plans, and life were. This Finch's heart is fucking heavy, painful, full. This Finch doesn't know for sure where the name she chose came from. Perhaps subconsciously it was for those reasons. For wanting to fly, wanting to soar above all the nay sayers and shit-stirrers and life breakers. Swoop down on those people who ruined my life, made me feel shit every waking day, and open my bowels on their huge, brainless heads. Maybe it was because, as a Finch, I am small yet I am mighty. Who knows. I'd like to think it was all of those reasons, and more.
Is that clear enough to you?
Because until you've been through what I've been through in my 17 years, you can shut the fuck up. If you have, then I am truly sorry. Sorry for your hurt, sorry for your pain, and sorry for the cynical, jealous, and unnecessarily nasty person it has made you. I would never wish my life on anyone. But I am still. fucking. here. Still fighting. Just. By the skin of my teeth I am fighting. (Or should that be with the tips of my wings, or the strength of my beak?) As this demonstrates. I will not stand for being shat on. Being belittled, slandered, 'bitched' about anymore. 17 years of bullying, attacks, assaults, being worn down, can do that to a girl. Which answers one of your other musings. Yes I'm a girl.

Lets see... what else you wondered about, I'll try and clear things up for you.

2) Thank you for calling me special.
3) (answered in 1) I am a girl.
4) My 'feathers', or hair, as I took it to infer, is brown. With a hint of auburn inherited from the grandmother I am (legally, really) named after that I never met. My mothers mother. When the light catches and the auburn shines through, I can see my mother smiling.
5) My eyes are blue. Blue grey to be exact. I've been told in certain lights and at certain angles they might even pass for beautiful. My picture has been very heavily photoshopped to within an inch of its life, to avoid being recognized. I've also been clear about this. I dont like the way I look, I wish I was different, so until I'm confident with my body a bit more, I'll be hiding that way.
6) I wasn't aware I 'psych people out'. I apologize to those I have done this to. I wasn't aware being honest and free with my language could have such a negative impact. Perhaps those of you who find me 'psych out'-y could elaborate for me. I am always open to improving myself in whatever way I can.
7) The Birdwatcher is British, to the best of my knowledge. Perhaps you dont know him very well?
8) He came on very strong? I myself have seen no evidence of this, unless perhaps you communicate via text, private email or some other unseen means. He himself seemed more than a little bewildered by this claim too. From what I have seen, he's a fairly flirty (but otherwise harmless) kind of guy.
9) He's always seemed honest enough to me.
10) Your bullet points. Perhaps I should make some corresponding bullets.

• You said yourself you don't know what I look like, how can he? Have you sent him pictures of yourself? Does he know what you look like? No. If I remember rightly, you and I were the two people on twitter he said he would like to see a picture of, to find out what we look like. So I hardly think that arguement stands up on its own.
• I've never really given him anything, apart from tweets, time and conversation. I dont want to ask what you might have given him...
• What he does or doesn't do in his own time is none of our business. In fact he seems just as interested in technology as you do. Something you have in common. Do you have something 'better to do'?
• Perhaps you could enlighten us with an example? Was talking to you a mistake? Or talking to me? Or talking to us both? Joining twitter?
• I tricked no one. I have been nothing but honest from the start.

11) I would liken myself more to the Medium Ground Finch, if a comparison must be made. I'm not the greatest fan of heights despite my desire to fly, so wouldn't suit high tree life too well. I don't like cacti/cactus'. I don't like wood and I'd rather not peck it. I'm no vegetarian. I consider myself able to hold a tune so would rather not be accused of warbling. I suppose the only other one I could be is the Sharp Beaked Finch. I think you can work that one out yourself.

12) Spotlight Finch? Oh please, you're the one putting me there. I'll tell you the species you forgot girl; the human fucking Finch.
13) Legal reasons? It aint even my real name darling, as we've established. Go ahead, 'name and shame' me.
14) The feeling I give off...

• Feeling A) Already explained this. HUMAN FINCH. FICTIONAL REALITY.
• Feeling B) Once more, you contradict yourself. He knows what I look like no more than you. He can have my DNA if he wants, but I expect he'll be sorely disappointed compared to the picture in his head ;)
• Feeling C) Correct. Correct. Fuck off - how many more times can you miss this? To say I'm lying would have to mean that I haven't been straight with people from the start, which I have. I don't currently have a job, I lost both of those in the aftermath of New Years as I wasn't able to cope, thanks for the reminder. I don't think I'm beautiful, far from it, as established. Is that another back-handed compliment?

15) If I could hiss this I would; I am no fucking hoe, lady.

16) More Finch spottings in the future? 'Bring it bitch'. We'll spot each other yeah?

A separate point. If this is all because you feel hard done by by some guy, why take it out on me? Someone you clearly dont know, have never spoken to before? Why? How have I done you wrong?
And to clarify, I am NOT his girlfriend. Apart from a) my well known sexuality that would pose a problem, there is the fact that b) I've never met him, c) Even if I had, it doesn't guarantee anything, d) I am about as far from interested in anything like that as you can get, for obvious reasons. (Not that you're not a lovely chap Alex, just not quite my type, what with the manhood and everything :P)

Alex hasn't asked me to do anything, if anything I should have asked him if it was ok or if he had any objections to his being mentioned here before I even started writing, but I was going on impulse. I'm doing this because you've upset and angered me. He's a big boy, I'm sure he can take care of himself ;)

Yeah you've made me mad, really quite mad. Angry. Fuming. Rage.
I will NOT lie down and be walked all over any more. For me, there's no dignity in silence any more. If there was, he would have got away with what he did to me.
I'm fighting back against you, against everyone else who's got a problem with me. I've tried to make this as intelligent a counter-post as possible. Sure my language is more than a little rough in places, but sometimes no other word works anywhere near as well as 'fuck'. I hope perhaps anyone reading this can empathise or sympathise even slightly with my stance on this. Things are hard. I've got an even bigger fight on my hands when this finally goes to trial at the end of September. Consider this practice.

This bird's got bite, baby.

courtesy of @liz_is_ep1c at ep1cblog.blogspot.com

PS. I like the little logo thing. I might borrow that now and in future. Inadvertent help, feel proud. Full credit and everything.

Getting to me.

All this stress is kind of getting to me now. Been pushing everything to the back of my mind every day, but sitting just listening to music I've got nothing really to distract my attention.
Stressed about my driving.
Stressed about the court case.
Stressed about the verdict and what I'm scared it'll be, judging by statistics.
Stressed about coming out to my parents.
Stressed about my weight.
Stressed about my friends.
FREAKING OUT basically.
And it's making me worry that I might not be able to stop myself from reverting to old habits of stress relief.

Phone calls.

I've decided I'm going to ring my SOLO tomorrow and arrange to go see her to talk about coming out to my parents. I'm bricking it. But I think that'll be the first step.
Then I need to keep trying to call my ISVA to arrange the tour/visit of the court and also a time to meet with her. I think I need to come out to her and explain why it's so stressful for me lately. Again, this will be another step.

When I'm not making these phone calls I will be shopping for some new clothes to take to London. I don't have any trousers as they are all now stupidly short and my tshirts are boring. I don't shop often so kind of looking forwards to it and dreading it at the same time.
Very much looking forwards to buying some new shoes though :) of course I am, I'm a woman! Even if the shoes I like aren't the most girly. At all. But I likes my shoes and my current ones are a right state.
Also picking up computers :)

Cut up, come out: I'm scared.

* * *

PLEASE NOTE; The spelling, grammar and sense of this may have gone all to shit as this was written at about 2-3AM, and was all basically a stream of conciousness. Please forgive me any such misdemeanors.

ALSO; Please comment on this post with your thoughts. I'd prefer it to sending me something on Twitter as I'll only lose the tweets, at least here it's all in one place.

* * *

Watched a BBC documentary about self harmers this evening and it's suddenly brought a lot of shit back.
Oddly enough it's not just the shit of my own history with the matter, but the future. More specifically the fact I have to come out to my parents.
To say I'm petrified would be putting it lightly.
I honestly feel like I can't do it. They've been through enough over the past few months, they've been through what I've been through in a sense, and I just feel like would just destroy them.

I hate that I think that.
I hate that I think that their daughter being gay would be the end of life as they know it, but I kind of do.
They're from a different generation, a different 'time' and I just don't know how they'll deal with it.
Plus things that my mum and dad say sometimes just make me even more scared of telling them. Of course, I know they wouldn't say some of the stuff they do if they knew, in a way it's a bit like... I don't know, talking about cancer in a room with someone who cancer, but you don't know they do, so some of the things you say might seem harsh whereas if you knew, things would be said differently.
Then there's what my mum used to say and look like while my sister was at Uni and living with a lesbian. Who is now a close friend of my sisters. Actually a lot of her friends seem to be lesbians. And she has rather lesbian-orientated nicknames. In other words there's every possibilty that my sister is also gay, and mum has always seemed petrified of that possibilty.
There's the added fear that if she IS my mum might feel the whole 'no grand children' thing. (Uh, mum, you also have a son. And he's definately straight.) and my mum might think she's a failure or something stupid.
Then again, if my sister is gay but I get in there and tell mum and dad first, SHE'LL be the one more likely to get that speech.
I'm so scared.
I don't want them to think anything has changed.
All the cliches apply: I'm still the same person etc. I really am though that's the thing. I've known for a silly amount of years. I've known I'm gay for longer than I haven't, so they've been living with me as I am, as it were.
I'm just so scared.
My mums faith is quite important to her as well, even thought it's been tested quite vigorously over the course of her life, and it just scares me that I'm essentially 'unholy', 'wrong' and against her religion.
In everything I've done in my life, the foremost thought is that I never want to disappoint my parents.
But then I think, I have stuffed up in the past, big time, and they've never been 'disappointed' with me despite the shit I've done.
It's just so confusing.
I keep trying to put it off, but it has to be done.
But it has to be done fairly, for everyone.
I always knew I wasn't just going to let then find out in the courtroom, as that would be horrible for them, but now it's about finding the right time. The right time for me so I feel ok about it but also so that they can have enough time before the trial to get 'used to it' as such.
I need them fully on my side.
Of course I'd hope and in a way I am sure they wouldn't 'abandon' me in that sense in my hour of need, but it's just so scary.
On one hand, if anything this is the perfect time to tell them; they can't chuck me out or disown me as it would be utterly shameful if they did, and the fact that my sexuality made what happened even worse, (eg I like girls so why would I want to have sex with him) so perhaps I'd get the 'sympathy' there.
It's so much more complicated than that though.
I'd always maintained I wasn't going to tell them, if not innthe near future perhaps never. Some of my friends didn't understand that but eventually respected the fact it was my decision to make.
Obviously there have been many, many times when I've wanted, needed them to know.
Part of the reason behind all the self harm shit and my depression is because of the homophobia and related bullying. Part of my problems with my friends is because most of them have shown by their actions and words that they're not nearly as ok with my being gay as they tell me. Part of the reason I've felt so utterly fucked up in the past is because I've not been able to talk to my mum about falling in love etc like any normal teenage girl.
But mostly, I'm scared shitless that they'll hate me.

Then, only is theire the question of WHEN, but also HOW.

I've only ever really said the words "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" to... hmm let me think... one adult? And that was my SOLO. And she knew anyway, and had to tell me she knew, and that it would come up in court etc.
The way I told my friends was a combination of accidental outbursts/slip-ups or entirely correct guesswork on their part. Then it got spread around the school so I never really had to deal with the issue of coming out to anyone. (And that's the other thing, once you've 'come out' it's not as simple as just doing it the one time. You have to do it for practically everyone you know really. You straight people have it so easy.)

So how the fuck am I meant to do this?

I don't feel like I can say the actual words to them. One way to break the fear of telling adults I suppose would be to tell my ISVA. She's essentially my counsellor for the period of time leading up to the trial. Thinking about it, I probably should tell her as the stress of having to tell mum and dad is part of my shit right now, and it's being part of the trail.

So that then leaves me with very few options as far as I can see. My initial idea, while although possible yes a bit 'chicken', is to tell them in a letter. This would be preferable for many reasons; A) I don't have to say it, B) I won't have to see their faces and C) they can't interrupt. And boy are they likely to do that. And there's a lot I'd need to say. So I could write the letter, put it somewhere not too obvious but easy enough to find of they know where it is, then essentially 'leg it' and go somewhere with a couple of friends, text mum and dad and tell them there's a letter they need to read and to text or call me when they feel they can.

That's one option.

Another is to tell them face to face, but with 'back up'. Plenty of people have offered to fill such a role, eg my two best friends and the aforementioned SOLO officer, so I'm not short of options there. Best friend A (oldest friend) probably wouldn't know what to say but she is like a member of the family; best friend B would probably know better what to say and is also like a family member, but due to the nature of our friendship and the way we are with each other we've both agreed that my parents might think she's my girlfriend or that something is a least going on. She's not, and there isn't. The third is a highly supportive nice and friendly police officer (eg parents can't get physical lol) with children of her own and a best friend who is a lesbian and she was the first adult to know. Would seem easy to choose amongst that lot.

Then there's the option that I tell each parent separately. Eg. Dad first. As I think he'd react better. But I'm scared I could be wrong. I reckon dad would be more ok with it than mum, but what if it's the other way round?

Or I could tell another family member first and they could help me out. My brother might just be cool with it, but it's kinda cutting it fine to sort it out in a way. But he knows what it's like to feel like an outsider (to clarify, he's not gay. My sister might be, but that's another matter. As you have read.) so he'd probably be ok with it. Plus, he never had a little brother and my dad isn't the most sexually charged (or even interested) man, thank god, so my brothers never really had that person he can talk to about girls. And neither have I. Plus plus, he's so protective of me that he honestly probably wouldn't care less as long as I'm happy. He's lovely like that.
Or there's my aunty, my mums sister. She lives in London but we're going up there next week and she now knows about what happened so there'd be no need to tell her about that. And even though she's only something like 5 years younger than my mum, she's always been quite a bit more... liberal, shall we say :) she's an absolute riot! So that's another option.

But I don't have nearly long enough to work all this out.
The 23rd September is only really just under 2months away. I just don't know what to do. I don't really want to do anything in one way, I don't want to tell them.
But I don't have a choice.
Of I want to have any chance of getting justice, I have to tell them.

Help me?

Anyone got any experience in this matter? Or even of you don't, do you have any advice? Out of the ideas I've mentioned, which one seems best? Or is there another way I could do it, that I haven't thought of? (more than likely).

Please help.

I need the advice of the people that I feel, by now, I can listen to and trust and who know me a bit. That's YOU, by the way, just so we're clear.

Please comment on this post with your thoughts. I'd prefer it to sending me something on Twitter as I'll only lose the tweets, at least here it's all in one place.

Thank you.
I'm really feeling at a bit of a loose end here. It can't be good for me.

H.xx

Plea.

I just had a phone call telling me what I expected to hear. He's pleading not guilty. The trial has been set for the 23rd September. To be honest, I'm not upset as it's what I fully expected. More than anything I'm annoyed that my driving test had to be booked for the same day. And it's fully sinking in now that that's when I have to have come out to my parents. At least when there was no fixed date I could put it off a bit longer and not really have to think about it, but now I do. I really do. But I can't really think about that now. I've been in a good mood for the past few days and I don't want to ruin it. So tonight I'm going to sit and eat pizza and chocolate and Ben & Jerry's Caramel Chew Chew ice cream and snickers and watch BB10 to see which one of the two people that I can't decide who I hate more gets evicted :) and you lot are gonna keep me company, right?

Clash.

Where to start? I have GOT to update this thing more often!

The rabbits are now genderless. That's one way to kick this thing off! First they were both boys, then they were both girls so we booked them in to be spayed. One more sexing before the op, just to check; bloody good job they did because it turns out Yoshi IS a boy. Spud is still definately a little girl apparently. Well, was. Now neither of them have any bits. Having to keep an eye on the wounds and stitches, especially in Spud's case as her op was much more invasive than Yoshi's. Both of them took a bit of time to get back to normal, again Spud more so than Yoshi, but they're both back to their cheeky mischievous selves by now! Possibly the remainder of their hormones as it were, are still kicking around as they're still a little aggressive at the minute, but that should calm down.

I PASSED MY THEORY TEST!
Thinking about it I should have led with that really...hmmm. But yes, I passed. 49/50 on the multiple choice and 62/75 on the hazard perception test, which is a good score I think! That was about the first thing we had to celebrate in a while, so we bought a cake :) with the Stig on it :) seemed appropriate!
My practical driving test has been booked and my instructor told me the date today...the same date as the provisional date for the trial. Great. Another dose of bad luck.

Had my first appointment at CAMHS on Tuesday, after ringing to book an appointment, being told that the earliest they could offer me an appointment was September, and telling them in no uncertain terms that while I appreciate they have waiting lists, I need 'help' soon now. So she pulled some strings and got me an appointment with the case-screening guy which I was pleased about until I actually HAD the appointment. To start with he was nice enough and seemed to listen, but by the end of it I just felt like I really hadn't been listened to properly. All I'd got out of it was him saying he would book an appointment with someone I've already had an appointment with (but it wont be the same obviously, because she works in two departments and this time I see her, it'll be in a different capacity. Sure.) for as soon as possible, which is still likely to be months away. As I say, by the time I left I felt worse than when I'd gone in. I went to CAMHS because I have been worried about my mental health for years now, and over the last 8 months these concerns have got worse. No matter how much I stressed to him that while what had happened to me in January wasn't exactly the most savoury experience, the problems I am now worrying about are NOT because of it, as it were. As I've said to my parents and to him, in most respects I am actually over what happened. I've accepted it wasn't my fault and I'm moving on from it as much as I can ( at least until the trial ), so my mental health problems which are why I was even AT CAMHS and have been worrying about for YEARS are what I need help with. But according to him it sounds like I'm just suffering from 'post-traumatic stress and anxiety'. Yes. Obviously. So apparently a trauma happened years ago that I can't remember that has resulted in me feeling like I'm going crazy. Fuck off.

That debacle and the whole driving-test-on-the-same-day-as-the-provisional-trial-date has only left me with a sense of despair to be honest. Despair at the system, the fucked up system. The legal system where it takes 8 months to even get a provisional trial date, 8 months to get a possible date to try and prosecute this bastard. 8 months of waiting, of not being told what's going on, of not knowing. Despair. Despair at a system where someone who has concerns over their mental health, and has done for years, someone your system is 'aware' of, who 'meets your criteria' for help, yet is pushed from pillar to post, person to person, department to department, never getting the help and need. Is it any wonder that people disappear, or worse, when the system fails them so utterly and repeatedly? I was prosecuted for a lesser crime and that took no time at all, yet I've got this suffocating shadow of a trial constantly over me, its at the back of my mind yes, as much as I can keep it there, but each time it creeps forwards I just cant take it. Yes, I am 'over' what happened in some sense. But that doesnt mean I'm particularly relishing the thought of standing in the same room as him, answering questions, hearing his lies and watching my friends no doubt get a grilling. But I have to wait, dont I. I have to suffer even more, never able to fully move on until after the trial, but never knowing for definate when it'll be.

But that's the system isn't it? The ones who need help, the ones who are the 'victims' if you like, are the ones who are failed. Time is on his side, in a way. He gets longer to decide how to try and make me look like a liar, drags it out. And in terms of CAMHS, well, what are they playing at. Another system that's failing people. I just dont know what to do about this whole situation.

All I know is that there is a Plea Case Management Hearing this Friday where the trial date SHOULD be fixed. If it isn't I think a very big part of me will be angry. If it is and its fixed for the same day as my driving test (which he picked for that day because it was a brilliant time of day as well) well, then I have yet more thinking to do. Do I take the test the same week, week before, week after, what? I just dont know! Everything is just so frustrating! Not to mention my sleeping is still up the shit.

I've kind of run out of things to say, which is a first. Oh no, wait I haven't, but it'll wait for another day. Or in about 5 minutes time, whichever I feel like more :)

Final warning; Chapter closed...

...but to be revisited at some point in the future.

Care to explain? Of course.
So this evening I went to my local police station to receive my final warning. All in all it went ok. The sargeant or whoever he was, was a very nice man who seemed fairly sympathetic to my situation, and the seemingly random woman in the corner (who turned out to be from the Youth Offending Team) was equally so. He admitted that initially, upon reading the case notes and statements from the bouncers etc, he was all ready to get me banned from al pubs and clubs in Exeter, but that after reading the background and talking to me, he realised that really wasn't necessary. Something to be thankful for. He did what I presume is the usual "what have you learnt from this?" things, and spoke about how important it is that I learn to balance my medication with alcohol etc. But in general he seemed to understand why what had happened had happened, and expressed his sympathies for the shit life's thrown at me recently.

Then he threw a little curve ball at me.


He first explained that a final warning is basically a "does what it says on the tin" jobby, in that if I get into any more trouble with the police, it'll be a caution and/or prosecution. Then he asked me what I wanted to do in my future life, career wise. I was a little confused but not overly worried, so told him that one of my passions has always been teaching, so that'd be something I'd want to persue in the future.

Upon my saying the word "teaching" he gave the YOT rep a little look. Ah. A problem.

Basically, long story short when it comes to a final warning, although it is not a criminal record and so when applying for normal jobs I wont have to tick "yes" to the criminal question, it is the kind of information still held on me. So when I apply for any job that calls for an extended CRB check, (eg teaching) then it will be available to the employer. I was advised by the YOT rep that in such a case, its much better to 'own up' as it were, tell them before they ask you why you were hiding it when they do a check, and then I'm more than likely to get a chance to explain the situation and how/why it happened. The fact that it happened when I was 17, following another trauma, was basically a case of self-defense that went a little too far and that it was classed as common assault (the lowest form of assault), meant that the sargeant was inclined to think that it would be surprising if an employer were not to act sympathetically about it. Talking to my dad too, he told me that people have got jobs as a teacher with much worse on their records, so I probably shouldn't be too worried. Although that may be the case, there is obviously a part of me that is upset by that revelation. It just feels like one more thing that could possibly affect my future, and that makes me a bit angry as well as sad.

But that aside, that chapter is closed. The 'to be revisited in the future' of this blog title obviously refers to the fact that the warning could crop up on an extended CRB check. But the chapter is closed.

Now for the rest of the fucking book...

Sleeping to a final warning.

Firstly, you may notice that this blog has changed colour :) I've been debating since this blog's inception whether to go for the black or white, and having initially gone for the white I decided to change for a while. Whimsical, I know.

I realise I haven't really properly updated in a while, and its not because I've been tremendously busy, but due to lack of energy really. All this sitting around, sleeping, watching television and doing bugger all can really take it out of a girl. But seeing as I'm awake at half 3 in the morning again unable to sleep, just for a change, I thought I might as well.
As you may be aware, sleep has been a real problem for me recently. I've never been the greatest sleeper, and while I was at high school (especially in the last two years) I would usually get to sleep at about midnight and then have to be up at about 6.30AM; cue falling asleep in various lessons. My sleep pattern didn't really fix any when I moved up to college, in fact it got worse. Whereas I'd usually struggle to sleep before midnight, it was now nearer 1AM before I'd finally feel able to sleep, and then I'd hate getting up in the mornings (though you could just put that down to me being a typical teenager).
Now my sleep pattern is basically a pile of stinking, humming shit. I'm lucky if I get to sleep before 3AM most nights, but more frequently I find myself still not able to sleep at about 4/4.30AM. Last night I was still awake at 5AM.

It's really actually a problem; besides the obvious annoyance of not being able to get to sleep, it means that I'm often still asleep in bed approaching mid-day, so I'm losing out. But its a destructive pattern. I cant get to sleep but then I do I wake up late, but then I'm still up at stupid-o'clock so I'm up late again...etc. And it's not like I'm not tired at 3 in the morning, of course I am, but apparently with my body feeling so utterly tired that my eyes are burning and my muscles are screaming, isn't possibly good enough to warrant sleep. I can be so tired that my eyes are closing, but the minute I lay down in that bed, I wont sleep. It's endlessly frustrating, so that becomes a cycle of its own.
I was prescribed some fairly mild sleeping tablets a while back, at my own request, but for some reason I'm too scared to take them. Although some days I feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up again, when I think about taking the sleeping tablet, I'm petrified that I wont wake up. Rationally, of course I know it wont happen, but there's a part of me that says, "So what if doctors and scientists have done tests, so what if this is a mild dose, what if there's something weird about my body and I have a reaction and dont wake up?" etc. Mad I know.

So I here I am stuck in another quandry, a ridiculous and frustrating cycle that I cant break. Might as well put it to good use, right?

The last you heard from me was a short boring post generally updating you on my life's more mundane going-ons, and that all still stands. That whole list of things I want to get done is still just as long, minus maybe one or two magazines from the stack. It's another current frustration that there are things I need and want to get done, to start doing things and getting back to normal again, but I just have no energy. Some of that is due to the weight issues too, but thats for another day.

I guess the main thing to report is regarding the assault saga. As you may remember, as it recently stood, I went to court and my solicitor recommended, in simpletons terms, that the fact I was being charged was ridiculous seeing as I've never been in trouble before and in light of recent events, and that I should receive a final warning at most. The prosecution agreed and the court agreed to a three week adjournment. The papers would be sent to the police for them to arrange for me to go to my local police station on one the slots on Tuesdays where they give out final warnings, to be given mine. If I didnt hear from the police in the three weeks alloted I would have to go back to court this Wednesday for it to be adjourned yet again until the police get their arses in gear.

Last Thursday I had an appointment with my support worker for my other case, and I mentioned to her that I hadnt yet heard from the police and I would ideally like to not have to go back to court again, so she said that she'd try and find out what was happening, seeing as part of her job is that she has a bit of influence with the police. The next day I got a phone call from her to tell me that she'd had a word with a friendly officer who would get me on the list for this Tuesday's time slot, and that as a letter would take too long to reach me before Wednesday's court date, an officer would have to come round and inform me. Apparently this kind of situation cant be handled over the telephone, it has to be done in person. The officer she had spoken to, however, works nights, so unless he could assign it to another officer on patrol I would be getting a knock on the door some time after 10pm. In some ways this would have been preferable, as the neighbours would have been less likely to see uniformed cops at the door and wonder what was going on (as it was, my next door neighbours, the nosiest and most gossipy neighbours ever known to live next door to anyone, were away, but there are other eyes around!), but alas, things never go simply for me do they. Shortly after she spoke to me on the phone the doorbell rang. Now I'm not too keen on people at the moment, and seeing as I jump and get nervous over most noises I was more than a little nervous when I heard it go. But upon popping my head round the living room doorframe it was obvious who it was. I really had to try not to laugh though when I opened the door to see a male officer about 7ft tall and a female officer who was about 4ft tall. They couldn't have been all that much more pc if they'd tried. They did the usual "are you so-and-so? You were accused of blah-de-blah" and then told me that I had to go to my local police station at 6.30PM that Tuesday to receive a final warning. As soon as I shut the door to them I immediately panicked - did they say 6.30? or was it 6? half 5? no, definately half 6...yes? Silly fool.
From the kitchen I could then see them loitering outside my gate for a good 5 minutes as they radioed on their walkie talkies, and I mentally thanked them for adding to the neighbourly intrigue.

So as of 6.30PM today (being Tuesday, thanks to stupid o'clock) one nasty chapter will be over. As long as all runs to plan. Which I really shouldn't have just said should I?...bugger. One nasty chapter of this tiring, gloomy, dragging slog of a book that I like to call my life, will be over. It's just one more strange, nasty and surreal chapter, but I can at least say goodbye to it.

For now, I am going to have a technically-not-allowed cigarette out of the window, and then try and get to sleep. I expect to wake up at around 2PM tomorrow. Of course, what happens when I do get to sleep, well, thats another story for another blog entry, for another day...

Moving.

Just a relatively sparse post today.
Things seem to be moving along nicely in my world, touch wood. Had my first go in a car on fathers day, I did stall first time :( but second time managed a lap of the car park :D then I broke the car. Well, I didnt, but the problem decided to ruin my driving as I thought I stalled and then the car wouldnt start again. Poor car is still in the garage and having to be transferred to a diesel specialist as our garage is stumped. Poor car.
My provisional licence arrived this week and Im booking a taster lesson asap. By taster I mean I want to find out whether I want to learn intensively or non intensively - I know I want to drive. Quite excited about that! Got a visit from two friendly police officers earlier on today telling me that I need to go to my local police station at 6.30 on Tuesday, which means that chapter will finally be over. A final warning is one step below a caution so thats a piece of marginally good news too.
Bunnies doing well, took them to the vets the other day for a health check and their myxomatosis vaccination and it turns out they may in fact be sisters not brothers! Will keep you posted. They're both developing their personalities and tastes for their favourite plants in the garden that they're not supposed to eat! Little scamps...but they're so cute I cant get mad at them :)

Other than that, just got a few things I want to get done. Here's a rough idea;

• get my verse moleskine up to date with stuff I have managed to write
• start on the cahier
• read the huge stack of magazines waiting to be finished/started
• clean up my macs hard drive 
• get reading The Unbearable Lightness Of Being and do the college assignment
• sort out my desk drawers and assorted crrraaaaap.
• get writing some more verse! really want to :)
• get new pens :)

So there you have it, my little update for today. Cant really be bothered to go into more detail over everything cos I'm tired lol and, if I'm honest, cant be bothered in the slightest at the moment :) 

Oh and by the way, IM MELTING!

Looking up?

First of all I would like to start with a thanks to all of you on here and/or twitter who have been so supportive over the recent months, and especially over the last few days: you're brilliant.

Now to business. As some of you will know I was due in court today in relation to allegations of assualt, as explained in a previous post. My solicitor had expected a caution but instead the police pressed charges. After Monday's devastation of losing Rocky, and staying up into the small hours crying with my mum and waking my dad up with my sobs as it all got a bit too much for me, losing him, I woke up tired and with a headache. We went to the court and I was so utterly nervous.

However, good news was to be had.

After we had booked in and waited for a while, the solicitor who would be representing me called the four of us (my brother came too for support, the star) into a room to talk. He told us that he had written to the prosecution basically saying "come on, we both know this is ridiculous to persue a trial, with no previous convictions and her current personal situation, surely a final warning/caution would be more than enough?". Mum and dad said they had known this but didn't tell me as they didn't want to get my hopes up. He then told me that the prosecution agreed and was happy to let it go back to the police for them to give me a caution (as long as they dont decide to be nasty and still push for trial), meaning no trial, no criminal record, and that this would be over.

I cannot explain the feeling of relief that washed over me...all the tension in my body seemed to disappear and I could have cried (had I not used all my tears up last night over Rocky). I looked up and saw my dad holding back tears ( not very well I might add ) and my mothers relief was plain.

I did still have to go into the court room, but my solicitor explained all I'd have to do would be confirm my name etc and he'd do the rest. Even though I knew the pressure was off, going into that court room was still terrifying. Standing there in front of those people, I was just trembling. My solicior stood after I'd confirmed that, yes I am the person you think I am, and asked for an adjournment. The prosecutor also stood and said he agreed that was the fairest and best plan of action and recommended 3weeks adjournment.
What this means now is that as long as the police agree and don't decide they really really want it to go to trial, I'll be summoned to the police station at some point and be issued a formal warning, or caution. It means I don't have to face going through another trial, and that one shit thing in my life will have gone away. If the police don't give me the caution in time (the 3 week adjournemt period) I'll have to go back to the court and they'll probably just adjourn it again til the police have got round to doing it.

Quite frankly, this is the best result we could have hoped for. Just 24 hours ago I was sitting here sobbing uncontrollably about the loss of my little furry friend (about which I still get teary if I think about him for too long) and worrying about facing court the next day, battling through the trial proceedings, and feeling guilty and worried about whether I'd be able to care for Yoshi enough when I'm still hurting this much for Rocky.
Now, this has all changed.

The other court case (the one where I am the legal 'victim') will be proceeding painfully slowly over the next few months, which is evidently something I will have to face in the future, but I'm feeling stronger.

Regarding Yoshi, things are looking up there too. After last nights breakdown of grief, my dad said that if I wanted we could go back to the pet shop we got Yoshi from and buy one of his brothers. (Personally I think thats partially because dad liked the black ones of the litter and seeing as it was his birthday he wanted one lol) My dad is so lovely to me and he really does want to do anything he can to help me and make me happy.
Admittedly I was a little dubious about it, as I was worried I wouldn't be able to bond with one let alone two little baby rabbits who need me, but after a nice lunch we went by the pet store, and I fell in love with Spud. We thought it was definately wiser to get one of the black ones seeing as the other ones are practically identical to Yoshi, we'd never be able to tell the difference! And Spud fits the bill :)

We brought him home and I could already tell he is completely different to Yoshi - whereas Yoshi was jumping around in the carry box all the way home, Spud just sat there, heart going a mile a minute bless him, but still nonetheless. When we got home I got him out of the box and had a cuddle to calm him down, then took him into the conservatory and put him down to run around. We figured it was wiser to re-introduce them in a space bigger than the hutch (which unfortunately is too small for the two of them at the moment, as it was only meant for one little 'un) as even though the man at the pet shop said that somehow they'd recognize each other and get along fine, we wanted to be able to break them up if needed. Mum got a towel to throw over one or both of them if they got a bit fighty, and I went and got Yoshi. To start with they barely even noticed each other, but then Yoshi hopped over to Spud and started nudging him. We nervously watched them but they just started nuzzling and nipping each other in a friendly way, looking ridiculously adorable.
Watching them both explore the conservatory, which was 100% new for Spud but Yoshi didn't seem to find it any less interesting, I started to realize I could easily love them. Although neither of them will take Rocky's place, in a sense they can. They'll both have completely different personalities to Rocky, as well as (as I can already see) different to each other. (Spud seems much calmer and docile, whereas I can tell Yoshi's gonna be a right trouble maker). But you know what? Thats ok, and I'm excited to get to know these little guys. At the end of the day, they need me, and I need them too.

So all in all, touch wood, things seem to be looking up. The way I'm seeing today's good news as, is that it was Rocky's parting shot. On the way up the great hutch in the sky, he had a word with someone. Something like, "Oy, lay off her. Give her a break, she loved me." or something. I've got to see it like that really. Makes things better somehow.

The next step is to bond with these little fellas, and get them bigger hutch. (And to somehow get Yoshi to stop eating Spud's food when he's got his own, and to let Spud drink! Cheeky sod.)

I want things to get better. I want to feel better, be better. I need to be fixed. I've been so broken for so long, and I'm realising now that I need to help fix myself. I have to fight, no matter how hard it is, because I know I'm worth fighting for. I deserve to live, though some days I have my doubts. You guys are part of my support network, of my healing, my therapy...thank you.



Now here's a picture of the little guys :) Unfortunately, neither of them wanted to stay still at the same time for a photo, so Yoshi' (the white one on the right) is a bit blurred. The black one is Spud :) But as with Rocky, you can expect lots more photos in future :) You'll get to know these babies with me I'm sure.

A soppy moment.

Ok so this doesn't happen too often, but I'm feeling in a very soppy mood right now.
I'm sitting in the car listening to Girls Aloud - Whole Lotta History, on my way to London to see the Girls themselves, thanks to my wonderful friend who bought us tickets to see them for my birthday :) and suddenly feeling rather...happy?

Despite all the shit thats happened to me over the past 5years, and the worst of it over the past 6months, and despite the fact that it's about to get worse before it gets better due to various court cases, and despite the ridiculous ease with which the sun burns me meaning I currently look like a tomato and feel like my skin has been coated with chilli sauce, I suddenly feel content.

I know I have a lot of battles to fight over the coming months, with a court case as a victim thats taken far too long to happen ad another case as a defendant thats happening far too quickly in comparison, as well as having to face the fact that I have to come out to my parents by August 14th* and the fact that a war seems to have been waged once more between my friends and I, and THEN there's all the emotional internal battles I will continue to face, it's days like this I feel like I can cope.

I have two parents who, despite all the history in our family, have really come through for me in these difficult months, and whom I love more than ever.
I have one friend who I have only known for roughly 7 months, but who has become so important to me. She's been through a fair bit herself, and is a brilliant and lovely person.
I have my oldest friend, who despite my occaisonal fears and frustrations that she isn't there for me as much as I need her to be, is really pulling through for me.
I have a few remaining friends who haven't waged war with me, who continue to keep in contact and want to see me. (Its a shame I'm borderline agrophobic most of the time now then lol).
I also have, as many of you will know, the cutest, sweetest, most cuddly and soft rabbit in the world. I neglected him for too long and we're finally building up a relationship again, and I'm realising I am very much a rabbit person :)
And lastly, but by no means leastly, I have you lot. You blog-reading, lovely twittering bunch of freaks ;) amongst who are some of the most caring, wise and lovable people I have ever heard of.

Something has kicked in today that makes me feel capable, invincible almost. I don't know how long this will last, probably not nearly as long as I need it to, but I'm going to drink it in while I can.

As an update to my last post where I told you the events of my birthday and that I was on my way to the police station to hopefully just receive a caution, I have news. And it ain't great. Instead of a caution I am being charged with not one (as I would have expected) but TWO counts of assualt. I won't say too much as I'm in a good mood at the moment and would like it to stay that way, just that I'm due in court in a matter of weeks and am meeting a solicitor next Tuesday to discuss options.

Other than that, I shall bid you farewell for now, although I shall still be on twitter daily :)

I hope everyone enjoys the Bank Holiday weekend, I know I will!

X

*as an explanation; I have to come out to my parents by August 14th as that is the date of my other court case where my sexuality will actually strengthen my case, and I don't want my parents finding something like that out in a public arena.