LEATHER BAG!!! :D

Oh today is a happy happy day.

I awoke today to a voicemail from Mr Henry Tompkins of HTLeather, telling me my bag was ready for collection. I literally jumped out of bed, rang my dad and told him we'd HAVE to go and get it today as he doesn't work weekends and there was no way I could wait another weekend.

Originally we were going to go and get it at lunch time but then dad got called into a meeting, so at 3pm we left and headed to his workshop. Oh it's oh so glorious.

Apologies for the quality of the pictures, the lighting is a bit shit in my house. It smells lovely, a proper leather smell, and the feel of it is amazing. Smooth yet very sturdy. I was most nervous about the colour if I'm honest, as he had lots of different colours of leather, and even though I picked what colour I wanted I was still nervous, as even the same colour leather can look different from piece to piece. But fortunately, its gorgeous. And if I want it lighter or darker at all at any point, I can always polish it or leave it in the sun for a little while. But I see no need for that right now at all.

As for the interior, its so roomy!

I don't think the photo really shows just how much room is in there, but I'm seriously excited about how much I should be able to fit in there! The thinner pocket towards the back is for a laptop, or iPad, and maybe an A4 notepad/sketchbook. The two pockets on the front of the divider are great for smaller gadgets or notebooks, and you cant really see, but on the front of those pockets there are some pen slip thingys too. The main front section is huge. It extends under the two pockets really, and is so, so roomy. I can fit some books, spare clothes for the flights, my camera, and all the other gadgets etc in there easily and still have room left over.

The buckles seem really nice and sturdy, as does the strap, though I havent yet figured out how to lengthen it.

I am SO happy. This is basically my 18th birthday present, just a few months early, and I couldn't have asked for anything better. I'm so excited to use it in Australia too. No doubt tonight after badminton I'll simply be found sitting on the floor putting all the gadgets I've already got for the trip in there, just to see what they look like in their home :) I'll probably take some pictures then too, and whack them up on here.

As for the weight of it, its perfect. It's heavy enough to not feel flimsy, but light enough that it wont weigh me down before I put anything in it.

Basically, its perfect, and I love it.

Journal.

So as you'll well know by now, I've been on the search for the perfect bag, travel journal, and pen for the trip to Oz...yes I know it's in 6 months time but haven't you ever heard of forward planning?

Now, as far as the bag goes, I may have made progress! It turns out there is a leather maker in my very city, not 10 minutes away, who's online catalogue does have some bags in similar styles to the Saddleback Leather Briefcase, and considerably cheaper. He also apparently does do custom made bags, whether its just tweaking one of his existing bags or trying to make one to order. You can check out the link here. I've just been down there this afternoon, drove me and my dad and didnt kill either of us, but unfortunately his workshop was closed. Apparently he doesnt work weekends so I'm going to try going back in on Tuesday I think. I've got plenty of print outs and drawings and sketches of what I want, so I'm hoping he can help me out. In terms of price, the SBL bag was about £350 + P&P from America; this guys bags are about £115. Brilliant :)

As for the travel journal and pen, well...I'm very happy :)

Originally I thought the Midori Travel Journal was on the button, but after closer inspection I'm thinking not. It's not the right shape, too tall and while the refill system is very cool, its not what I'm looking for specifically for Australia.
Now some of you might know I'm a fan of the Moleskine notebooks, and have about 5 waiting for me, but again as with the Midori, I dont think they'll be as suited for what I have in mind for Australia. For starters, I'm looking for something softback, and I've already got hardback ones and dont fancy shelling out for a Softback Moleskine when I'm pretty sure its not right. Secondly, from what I've read online, I'm not sure how well it will lie flat.
I've also been looking at the Cartesio but think its a bit too Moleskine-ish for my requirements. Basically I've been reading through the Black Cover notepad review blog for inspiration, so take a look.

Then after much perusing, I discovered the Ciak. The review is promising, and I have found a site that sells them here, even 3 for 2! AND even more excitingly (cough) they actually do a specific travel journal, though its only in the medium size and part of me is leaning more towards the large. But the EXTRA special good news is that I suddenly remembered while reading some comments, that Paperchase at least used to have that very notebook. So after college yesterday I popped in, and they had ONE, single, solitary, lonely Ciak Travel Journal in red! It was perfect! It was the sample they'd had, and while the rest of the travel journals had sold, no one wanted the bashed sample one. I was the opposite! I'd been looking at the red one anyway, so I had to ask how much they'd knock off considering it was the only one left and the sample at that. Originally, the manager said she could give me 10% off... from £10.50. I was hesitant. She then offered me 15% off. And then, out of nowhere, while we were just talking and she was seeing if there were any other notebooks that were suited to what I wanted, she just said "Oh you know what, I'll give it to you for half price. It's been sitting there on its own for ages and no one else wants it, and you do, so I'll give you half price." Brilliant. £5.50 in the end, means I got the medium Ciak Travel Journal for less than they were selling the pocket version! And I couldn't be happier it with it. It's got the standard first page for information, but with more travel-specific details such as Passport Number and Drivers License. Then there's an itinerary page, and a world map, which is perfect for me because I can draw in the flight paths we take :) Then you've got the usual pages of distances, and units of measurement and such like, then finally a check list before the journal proper. And what a joy it is... the paper is so smooth and soft, and though I cant bring myself to write on it just yet, I'm confident it will be a joy to write on. It comes with alternating blank and lined pages which is perfect for sticking photos on and writing notes. It doesn't fully lie flat, which is perhaps the only downside, but other than ring bound notebooks I havent used many notebooks that do lie sufficiently flat, and its not as if I'm going to be using this in a situation where I've only got one hand.

As you can see from these pictures, one great thing about it is that the elastic band is horizontal, not vertical like the Moleskine, which is perfect for holding a pen and keeping loose papers and such like inside. Its also slightly bigger than the pocket Moleskines I'm used to, yet still a really nice size to hold. It really does feel nice in my hand :) the soft faut-leather cover is smooth and supple with enough flexibility. I'm not bothered about the fact it looks bashed, because it was only going to get that way anyway. In some respects, if I'd bought one new I'd be too worried about bashing it, because I'm odd like that. So it suits me down to the ground. I'm not brilliantly keen on the lines in it, they dont go all the way to the edge and there's a top margin which seems a bit pointless, so I'm debating whether or not to bother getting one for my next notebook, but for this use, I love it.

As for the pen, well its there in the pictures. After we went to Paperchase, dad needed to go to the LCE for some new binoculars (£300 but he gets a free pair of compact ones worth £150?!?! Mine!), and then I persuaded him to let us go in Rymans. I spent about 10 minutes trying pens before I found the Uni-Ball Jetstream SX-210 1.0 pen, also known now by me as the perfect pen.
It's gorgeous. The barrel shape is brilliant and the pen feels evenly weighted when you write with it. The only flaws are that the rubber grip is probably not rubbery enough, and there's a plastic ridge right where I hold it, but nothing major. It really is ridiculously comfortable to write with, and this coming from someone who hasnt had to hand write anything much for months, so anytime I do my hand aches after about 2 minutes. But not with this pen. The ink is a very dark black, not like some of these 'black' pens that come out grey, and you dont have to apply much pressure to get an even line. I think its technically a rollerball, but it looks and feels more like a gel ink to write with, its that smooth and flowing. Apparently the ink is meant to me fade resistant and waterproof too.

All in all, after a good days driving today too, despite HTLeather not being open, I'm feeling rather contented today. Some of the things I'm selling are in the paper now and I'm hoping we do get some interest, as I need the money.

So yes, happy. Cold, very very cold, but happy.
And to top it all off, I'm going to see Jon Richardson and Shappi Khorsandi at the Exeter Northcott tonight!!!

H.x

EDIT: Another advantage of the Uni Ball SX-210's likeness to a gel ink is that it gives you the smoothness and darkness of a gel ink, with the durability of a biro/ballpoint eg it wont bleed through paper at all!

Australia wantings - the leather bag.

Ok so I made a list of all the things I want for Oz, and despite all my plans (which I still haven't posted yet) I now can't stop myself from looking into things in more detail as if I have all the money in the world.

Most importantly, the bag. The Saddleback Leather Company's Dark Tobacco Briefcase, to be more precise. There are reviews here and here, and despite the drawbacks, I've fallen in love. Check out the Saddleback Leather Company site to bask in the full leathery glory, but this is the one I've fallen in love with:


The pictures on the first link of the interior show just the kind of thing I'd be using it for.
But yes, the drawbacks are the price and the weight. Part of me thinks that $530/roughly£320, while steep anyway, might actually indeed be a fair price for something of apparent quality and durability, that will last, that I can consider as more of an investment... but then I think of the weight. The size I like weighs 6.5lbs with nothing in it! Can I physically even carry that? And with things in? As I grow up will I become strong enough to carry it?!?
But it's SOOOOOOO gorgeous, and although some of the pockets might not be 100% what I had in mind, they're 90% there. Another option would be to actually buy some thinner, lighter leather and make one myself, but I wouldn't really have a clue what I'm doing.
When it looks THAT gorgeous, can you blame me for wanting one? I could always sell a kidney I suppose...

And as for the travel journal and stationary... As I say, the trip is 6 months away, and I have vastly more important thins to be thinking about between now and then, but did you really think that logic was going to stop me from looking? No, of course not. So I did. The notebook I thought would be perfect, isn't, and I have currently not found the perfect one

I know I'm just being typical stupid impatient me, but hell, I'm excited!!!

H.x

Australian wantings, now with pictures :)

So as you know, in 6 months time my parents and I are going to Australia to visit my sister and see the huge land mass :D
Almost as soon as the flights were booked, after being home less than 5 minutes, I was already diving into eBay and Amazon etc and my imagination was playing havoc with my empty wallet.

So basically, this is the list of all the things my tiny, tiny mind is telling me I would love to take to Australia with me :)

• Leather bag.
Seen some really nice ones online, I'm thinking over-the-shoulder, darkish leather, kind of rustic distressed look with room enough for all this other stuff. It needs to have lots of little pockets, but not too many. The perfect amount. Unfortunately, leather costs. Even more unfortunately, the bag in my mind clearly doesn't exist; unless you count the Saddleback Leather Briefcase, left, which costs about £350.

• Digital Camera.

Well my Casio Exilim EX-Z1080 10mpx camera is less than 6 months old and works a charm so I'm happy with that :) Love this bad boy. I'm no photography pro but this takes a sweet picture. Might need spare batteries and memory cards though.

• Laptop/netbook.

Of course, I already have a laptop. In fact, I own two. The three of us in total own 4 laptops between us so you wouldn't think it'd be a problem, right? Well, you're right and you're wrong. First off, size wise my MacBook is probably best suited to the journey, but as it's the older white MacBook it's not exactly feather-light. So weight wise, dads would be best suited, and in terms of price his is the cheapest too so if anything were to happen to it, it's the easiest to replace. However, my inclination, in a perfect world (and this is just my Australia Wanting remember), would be to buy a cheap, possibly second hand from eBay, basic netbook thing to take with us and then sell when we get back. But then we all sit and think, well, do we really need to take one at all? Mum says yes: she can barely go one week without checking her facebook let alone 7! So it requires thinking. Ouch.

• Polaroid camera - One600? SX-70?

Had a real craving for one of these for SO long now. There's something about the charm of those photos, and the simplicity of taking them. Plus, the photos are great for what I have in mind by way of a travel journal (more on that later.) Been looking at two models; the One600 which was the last mass produced Polaroid camera, therefore a bit more modern and sturdy/portable/less fragile, or; the SX-70, a very early model (not sure how early) that's apparently quite sought after but there's a few of on eBay.

• Polaroid PoGo.

Basically the modern reincarnation of the Polaroid cameras of old. Can't be bothered to link you but google it, it's amazing. Size of an iPhone, prints photos in 60seconds, doesn't use ink, (ZINK technology) and the films are self adhesive on the back, yet another advantage for my Aussy photo journalling needs. Around £100 new, Amazon marketplace has them for £22.51 :D especially appealling seeing as the technically superior Fujifilm Pivi is an £100+ import.

• Video camera.

Technically yes, I already have one, and though there's nothing wrong with it, it's so out of date already. I'd love to be able to capture Australia in all it's HD glory, rather than on the one I've got which is slightly grainy looking now. Sanyo VHC-FH1 HD looks good, and £350 on Amazon, but definately needs more looking into.

• iPod :)

OBVIOUSLY. Two lots of 12hr plane rides just to get down under, not to mention the other 6hr flights across Oz, the 2 day Ghan train and the same two 12hr flights home! Not that my parents are so boring I'm going to want to constantly drown them out, but y'know, fair's fair. Does mean I may possibly need to invest in some superior headphones, but in that long run that'd just seem a waste of money.

• Moblie phone.
Yes I have an iPhone, but no I won't be able to use it out there: A) I'll have upgraded to the 3GS by then and B) it'll only be a few months old so there's no way I'm jailbreaking it, and most importantly C) there is no way in HELL I'm paying O2's international roaming charges for 7weeks, especially not when I'll be texting mostly within Oz. We're going to buy Australian SIM cards over there, but obviously although mum and dad will be able to use their own phones fine, my iPhone and I will fail. Hence, I am also looking at Blackberry's on eBay. Plus I want a Blackberry as well as my iPhone anyway :P Specifically the Curve 8900, cos its hot :D

• And last but by no means least: Travel journal.
Some of you may know of my love of Moleskine notebooks and my general borderline-creepy love of all things stationary, but perhaps not of my love of the idea of photo journalling. I say the idea because as of yet my past attempts have ended up being rather neglected. There's an awesome blog at moleskine.vox by this guy who is a creative genius in my eyes when it comes to stationary and journalling. It's not even especially obvious, or even intentional perhaps, but to me there is something so innately and intrinsically cool and artistic about the perfect notebook and pens and such like. Even his handwriting is amazing to me. And he's SO organized! It makes me and my flittish, haphazard ways a little jealous actually. Anyway, partially from his own work and partially from a magazine he talked about and scanned in, I was inspired into trying again when I go to Australia. It'll be the perfect opportunity; sun, sea, sand, Aires Rock, Palm Beach, NEIGHBOURS :D. I can snap away on my digital camera at scenic sweeping outback, Polaroid pwn the Sydney Opera House, and then when we stop at a cafe for lunch or something, I can PoGo my pictures and stick it all in. I can cover the page with glue, grab a handful or sand and take some of the outback home with me. I can really keep track of this once in a lifetime opportunity (that I actually do hope to repeat but still, I'm more likely to keep on top of it on holiday with my parents than travelling with friends in years to come.) Napkins from restaurants will no doubt go in there, cards from hotels we stay at, etc etc. I really want to remember it. Of course, I'll have to be careful not to spend so much time travel journalling that I miss out on anything actually worth journalling. Same goes for filming, though mum seems to want me to film every minute of it.
Now, as any self respecting person will know (:P) the perfect journal needs the perfect pen. And glues. And pencils for sketches. And more pens in case the other pen runs out. And a perfect pencil case for all of the above. So for the next 6 months I will be on the hunt for my perfect travel journal and stationary. I can't wait :)

So that's my ideal Australia wish list, and at the moment it is very much a wish list; with me myself earning no money and anything my parents earn now basically going into the Oz trip, there are a hell of a lot of if's and but's. Firstly I'm going to try and get a job soon hopefully, if I can actually do it. If I cant yet, I suppose there's always my savings if I'm simply overcome with desire for some items, and I can pay myself back when I do get a job as it were. As I say; if's, but's and even a fair few maybe's in there too!
Plus, I've got plenty of shit I can sell.

So there you have it. One long, approximately £800 long list.

If anyone can help me out with any of the items in any way, do please let me know! :D

H.x

Bye nan.

So today was my nan's funeral.
It really was a lovely service. I'm not going to go into the specifics, but suffice to say we are all agreed that nan would have thought it was done well, as well as being disappointed that she didn't get the last word!
The vicar did the service wearing his white trainers, as instructed. He first met nan when he was a fairly new priest and wore white trainers when he visited, and she used to find it hilarious, so we asked him if he'd do the service in them.
I did cry a lot, I think it really did hit me that she's gone now when I saw the coffin. That small coffin. We always used to call her 'short stuff' and by the end she really was. Pretty much all of the immediate family started crying a bit harder when the vicar read out what my sister had written, partly because it was so funny and nan would have loved it, and partly because I think a lot of us realised how much we are missing my sister too, and thinking how hard it must be dealing with this on her own out there in Oz.
After the service we left and lots of people came out and I honestly didn't know who half of them were. There weren't masses of people there, as unfortunately most of nan's relatives have passed away by now, but I suppose that's what happens when you live to 85, you outlive a lot of people!
It really was a lovely service, sad enough to know it was a funeral, but with the right amount of humour and celebration of life that nan would have wanted.
She's being cremated, as she wanted, and her ashes will be scattered where her first husband's (her true love and father of her children) ashes were also scattered. That won't be for a few days yet. The crematorium is actually only 5 minutes from where we live, and the plot isn't hard to find, so I think I might spend some time there in the future, at least in the near future, if it's not too hard.
I really will miss you nan.
Seeing that coffin as we pulled up behind the hearse really hit home, and I started crying as I got out of the car. From then on I didn't really stop for about an hour.
I'll miss you nan, but I'll never stop loving. As my cousin wrote on the card that went with your flowers, "Gone, but never forgotten. Always in our hearts."
Love you and miss you.

In other news, I was texting L today after she said she hoped today went as well as possible and I let her know how it went, and she randomly said "I was thinking I never want our friendship to be ruined." When asked what she meant she just said "I just dont want to ruin our friendship by saying anything we shouldn't." So yeah, I'm not really sure what to make of that. I said we'd talk some other time as I really wasn't up to it today. When she told me she had feelings for me, I said I didn't want anything to ruin our friendship, and she basically said that us being together wouldn't, and now it seems as though she's changing tack. So I'm inclined to think she's ending it before it began, as it were. Funtimes. So glad. Not.

So once more my head is all of a muddle.
But I've got a driving lesson later today and then only one more before my driving test, so I'm going to try my hardest to concentrate on that. L's working til Sunday anyway so unless she pops round I doubt I'll see/talk to her much before then.

I just really wish things would sort themselves out for me.

H.x

Wish; take two.

For fucks sakes. I wrote all this out once then blogpost crashed on me and didn't save it, so I'm going to have to try and remember everything I fucking said!

EDIT: I think I've managed to remember everything if said the first time round, but it might all seem a bit jumbled, just for a change.

Basically, I'm sitting in bed wishing L would text me or call me.
She just doesn't seem to talk to me about anything.
I haven't got a clue what's going on with her brother, with her and P, or even between her and I for that matter.
I think she's worked out that I struggle to be around when she's on the phone to P, but it seems like that annoys her more than anything. I kind of get that, as from the off she said that nothing would ever happen between them, but it's still no walk in the park.
Things just seem so strained between us. There's things I want to ask and say, but don't want to because I don't want to fuck things up. It's killing me that my falling for her may well cause me to lose her. I told her I don't ever want to lose her when she told me how she felt, and she simply said I wouldn't. I just can't be so sure.
I was round hers for a bit earlier and things just seemed so much more...awkward. We laughed and joked but then seemed to run out of steam and gave up, just sat there. Then she asked if I'd been cutting again. I lied of course, but she knew anyway. She said at one point; "I really wish you wouldn't." One minute I think she doesn't feel anything anymore and then she says things that confuse me. Then she asked me why. I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I couldn't tell her that I did it because I don't know where my head is going, or even IF it's going. That the situation with her, or lack of one or whatever, is driving me to distraction. That I'm not dealing with the verdict as well as I thought, or with losing nan. I told her that things just got too much for me again, which while true, still felt like a lie. I can't work out how she feels about it either, obviously she doesn't like it but I don't know if she's angry.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, probably because, as I've said before, I find this therapeutic.
I'm not ashamed that I'm an ex-self harmer, though I suppose I should lose the 'ex' there, because my scars make ne who I am. It's peoples reactions that get to me the most. 'Emo', 'attention seeking' and so on. Ignorant stupid reactions, and if there's one thing I hate it's ignorance. People don't understand it, but think they've got it sussed. And they haven't. At all.
When I cut again, it was the first time for roughly a year. To be honest I think I've done well to last as long as I have, but now I'm scared the floodgates will open up again and I won't be able to stop doing it again.
I guess it's just another battle.
It's the not knowing that's killing me.
If she does still have feelings for me, and wants something, then great. If she doesn't, then I need to know. Maybe I'll be able to go away for a bit with someone and sort my head out, try and get rid of any feelings so I can still be friends with her. Because romantic feelings aside, she is my best friends. She has been my rock this past year I've known her, and I just can't face losing her. When all my other friends fucked off, she stayed. I feel like I'm letting her down. She says she realised she had feelings for me around the time of my birthday, and that she was pretty much 'in love' with me not long after. But I'm not the same person as I was then. Im vastly overweight, have zero conficence and I'm a complete mess. Then again, that was all true when she told me how she felt, and when I said that she said she didn't care, it didn't matter.
The other issue is whether she does move away. I know she hasn't been overly happy here in Exeter for a while now, and I think visiting her friend up in Essex has only heightened any desire to move away. I know she's been looking at jobs up there. I've just got this gut wrenching image of her moving to Essex with P and living happily ever after with him, leaving me here on my own again. If she does go, I really will be on my own. But I don't think she'd stay for me.
I just need to know what's going on.
It's H's 18th birthday do tomorrow evening, and while I know a lot of undesirables will be there I said I'd pop in for a drink or two. L said she'd come too and then maybe we'd go somewhere after for something to eat. Maybe we'll talk then. Maybe she'll suggest or ask me to stay at hers so we can talk some more there on our own. I just don't know.
All I know is that at the minute I feel like I'm going insane again, like I need to start my life from scratch, somewhere else, as someone else. But unfortunately that's not really an option. In a few years maybe it would be, but I need a way out NOW.
I just want things to clear up, or fuck off. I've had enough of this year, of most years to be honest, but this one really takes the biscuit. At the minute, I don't see a future for me. I can't see anything, no success, no happiness, nothing. Literally nothing. I can't see how I can have a future now. Nothing feels right. It hasn't for years. I need a new body, a new mind that works how it's supposed to, and new heart, a new life. I just hate how things are. To put it bluntly, I hate myself most of the time, and I know the saying goes "no one can love you til you love yourself", but I just don't really feel worth it. I don't know.
I keep wishing, praying sometimes even, every night before I go to bed; "please let this day be easier. Give me a personality transplant. Make me happy. Let me wake up and realise this is all a nightmare. Let me wake up, slim, healthy, happy, and loved. Loved by me. Give me some sanity."
And every day? Nothing.
I'm just tired, so tired, and right now I don't see a way out.

Apologies for being so doom and gloom.
And don't worry, this isn't some suicide note, I'm too much of a coward for that. I think there is still some small, hidden facet of hope somewhere in me, that tells me I'm not going anywhere, not yet, and not by my own hand.
So I'll still be here tomorrow, trying to figure out a way forwards.

Wish me luck won't you?
And wish my wish with me.

H.x