A soppy moment.

Ok so this doesn't happen too often, but I'm feeling in a very soppy mood right now.
I'm sitting in the car listening to Girls Aloud - Whole Lotta History, on my way to London to see the Girls themselves, thanks to my wonderful friend who bought us tickets to see them for my birthday :) and suddenly feeling rather...happy?

Despite all the shit thats happened to me over the past 5years, and the worst of it over the past 6months, and despite the fact that it's about to get worse before it gets better due to various court cases, and despite the ridiculous ease with which the sun burns me meaning I currently look like a tomato and feel like my skin has been coated with chilli sauce, I suddenly feel content.

I know I have a lot of battles to fight over the coming months, with a court case as a victim thats taken far too long to happen ad another case as a defendant thats happening far too quickly in comparison, as well as having to face the fact that I have to come out to my parents by August 14th* and the fact that a war seems to have been waged once more between my friends and I, and THEN there's all the emotional internal battles I will continue to face, it's days like this I feel like I can cope.

I have two parents who, despite all the history in our family, have really come through for me in these difficult months, and whom I love more than ever.
I have one friend who I have only known for roughly 7 months, but who has become so important to me. She's been through a fair bit herself, and is a brilliant and lovely person.
I have my oldest friend, who despite my occaisonal fears and frustrations that she isn't there for me as much as I need her to be, is really pulling through for me.
I have a few remaining friends who haven't waged war with me, who continue to keep in contact and want to see me. (Its a shame I'm borderline agrophobic most of the time now then lol).
I also have, as many of you will know, the cutest, sweetest, most cuddly and soft rabbit in the world. I neglected him for too long and we're finally building up a relationship again, and I'm realising I am very much a rabbit person :)
And lastly, but by no means leastly, I have you lot. You blog-reading, lovely twittering bunch of freaks ;) amongst who are some of the most caring, wise and lovable people I have ever heard of.

Something has kicked in today that makes me feel capable, invincible almost. I don't know how long this will last, probably not nearly as long as I need it to, but I'm going to drink it in while I can.

As an update to my last post where I told you the events of my birthday and that I was on my way to the police station to hopefully just receive a caution, I have news. And it ain't great. Instead of a caution I am being charged with not one (as I would have expected) but TWO counts of assualt. I won't say too much as I'm in a good mood at the moment and would like it to stay that way, just that I'm due in court in a matter of weeks and am meeting a solicitor next Tuesday to discuss options.

Other than that, I shall bid you farewell for now, although I shall still be on twitter daily :)

I hope everyone enjoys the Bank Holiday weekend, I know I will!

X

*as an explanation; I have to come out to my parents by August 14th as that is the date of my other court case where my sexuality will actually strengthen my case, and I don't want my parents finding something like that out in a public arena.

Packed weekend complete with good news x2!

This weekend has been busy; family, musicals, football, more and more family, (cue cigarettes) and ice skating (done by professionals, not me; I like my bones INTACT) and some important phone calls. This blog post is not recount the events of the weekend in detail (that will be later) it is to pour out a bit of emotion. On Sunday I took a break from familial mingling and went for a cigarette, taking the time to call back the officer in charge of my case who'd been trying to get hold of me. Long conversation short, he told me that the bastard is being charged. (I wont say anything more). My legs buckled and I had to grab the nearest bollard to stand. After he explained various things and details of what this meant, I zoned out a little. After speaking to him, I rang my father who was inside and asked him and mum to come outside. A bit confused, they did, and I told them what had transpired. Cue group hug and general on-the-brink-of-tears-ness. I cant really explain what I felt then...just felt a sense of numb relief I think. And now today, I got my blood test results back...the same sense of relief descended on me. If I'm honest, I dont know where my head is at at the minute. I'm 16 (nearly 17 :D) and I feel about 40 or something. I've been through a lot in the last 6 years, with the last 6 months being, quite frankly, horrific to get through. Thats not me be self pitying or shit like that, its the truth. People keep telling me that its a testament to my character that I'm still here despite it all, but the truth of that is that although yes, I'm here in a literal sense, as in, I havent killed myself yet, I dont always feel completely like I'm really...here. I was prescribed anti-depressants last week...I'm 16. "Depression is an illness". You can keep telling me that all you like, but that doesnt mean I'll be ok with it. I know that being diagnosed with a problem means that I can finally start addressing it, but its hard. I know that in some ways I've got it easy, that I'm not dying or anything...though in some ways, I think a part of me already died. Part of me has been dying, slowly but surely, for the past 6 years, perhaps actually longer. But another part of me, died that night. It died the night I had something stolen from me, something I'll never get back. No possession, no money, nothing material. More than that. Something that no one had a right to take. But I cant feel angry. I dont know why. I just cant get angry yet. Maybe theres a part of me that feels I deserved it or something, I dont know. Its a greiving process I guess, and Im just not at the angry stage yet.

Oh shit. I totally didnt mean this blog post to be what its turned out to be. Sorry. I'm too tired to make enough sense right now, but I have a lot I need to say. I will say it, just not now. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not. We'll see.

Sleep.

So this is the time at which I am writing this blog. I am lying here awake when I don't want to be. I want to be asleep and fixing. Recently, most days, I've been feeling like I'm standing at the top of a cliff waiting to fall. Now in lying in bed hoping Fleet Foxes can send me to sleep so I can possibly manage to something constructive with my day. Ah, 'Drops In The River'...