Off to see the wizard...

Been out today in the ole' wagon :)

Did I mention I've passed my driving test?

It went pretty well so I'm pleased, although I cannot possibly imagine driving on my own just yet...the thought terrifies me if I'm honest! But I'm sure I'll steel myself and manage to at some point.

Decided to change the blog theme, no idea why really, just felt like a change.

In other news, still feeling a bit under the weather. Been feeling a bit rough for the last 3-4 weeks, and the other night I was up shivering like a vibrating thing (behave), coughing and spluttering and trying not to be sick, and I'm still getting over that now.
It's annoying that I'm a bit ill AGAIN, but what can you do?

The diet starts properly this week. I wont lie, some of you reading this and who know me on twitter might possibly have an image of you in your mind; it'll be wrong. I dont really like talking about my body because I'm not exactly proud of said body, but the next few months I'm going to be getting myself to the gym a bit more (something I HATE), eating more wisely, and the parents and I are going to resurrect our weekly badminton hour.

Why? Well, aside from the fact I need to because I dont like my body, I need to because I'm going to Australia in 6 months!

That's right, after 3 hours in a travel agent yesterday, we have indeed booked flights and stuff for our trip to Australia in July. My sister moved out to Oz about a year and a half ago to do her PHD so we're going out to visit her and see a bit of the country. I say a bit of the country, look at this map to get an idea of just how big Oz is; IMAGE Anyway, so we've booked our flights out there, some of the internal flights, our trip on the Ghan and flights home. We fly out to Sydney, then fly to Melbourne, then drive up to Adelaide, take the Ghan train to Alice Springs, then fly to Perth, and home via Singapore. My sister will probably join up with us in Adelaide, and when we're out in Perth her and I are going to rent a camper and go off for a few days.

I'm already dead excited, even though its so long away, but also nervous. We'll be away for 7 weeks, and none of us have ever been away for that long. I'm gonna miss my baby bunnies!!!! I'll come home and they'll have forgotten who I am!
We've by no means booked up everything; the only confirmed accomodation is in Alice Springs, and theres still some internal flights and car hire stuff to sort out, not to mention travel insurance, money to take with us etc etc, but I dont care; IM EXCTIED! :D

Not much else going on in this Finch's tree, sooner or later I'll get round to doing some more college work and playing on Assassin's Creed 2, when I can put down any of the gazillion books I'm reading.

Beep beep!

H.x

Merry Christmas!

It's been too long! I know I've been crap at keeping up to date with this blog, but I've just had so much going on that this wasnt my priority. Suffice to say, plenty of shit has happened.

Long story short, failed my driving test for the second time, scattered nan's ashes, and am no longer friends with L by the looks of it. Fun times.

Anyway, it's Christmas! And typically of this charming year, I'm feeling ill, my muscles feel all funny and I feel like I could throw up at any minute. Oh yay.
Still, 2009 is nearly over. God I cant tell you how good it feels to type and say that. "2009 is nearly over!!!!" Almost as good as I expect it'll feel to say it actually is over. Nearly there.

I'm not going to write a long gushing post now, though I'm sure that'll come soon, but just to say Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this (hello you two! ;P) and to all my followers on twitter etc. I hope this holiday season is filled with fun, love and family, and that you stuff yourselves silly on chocolate and turkey alike :) Oh, and if you actually have snow, I'm jealous. Apparently Exeter is the only place in the country not to get snow, and I am NOT happy about that!

Merry Christmas everyone :)

H.x

Wish; take two.

For fucks sakes. I wrote all this out once then blogpost crashed on me and didn't save it, so I'm going to have to try and remember everything I fucking said!

EDIT: I think I've managed to remember everything if said the first time round, but it might all seem a bit jumbled, just for a change.

Basically, I'm sitting in bed wishing L would text me or call me.
She just doesn't seem to talk to me about anything.
I haven't got a clue what's going on with her brother, with her and P, or even between her and I for that matter.
I think she's worked out that I struggle to be around when she's on the phone to P, but it seems like that annoys her more than anything. I kind of get that, as from the off she said that nothing would ever happen between them, but it's still no walk in the park.
Things just seem so strained between us. There's things I want to ask and say, but don't want to because I don't want to fuck things up. It's killing me that my falling for her may well cause me to lose her. I told her I don't ever want to lose her when she told me how she felt, and she simply said I wouldn't. I just can't be so sure.
I was round hers for a bit earlier and things just seemed so much more...awkward. We laughed and joked but then seemed to run out of steam and gave up, just sat there. Then she asked if I'd been cutting again. I lied of course, but she knew anyway. She said at one point; "I really wish you wouldn't." One minute I think she doesn't feel anything anymore and then she says things that confuse me. Then she asked me why. I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I couldn't tell her that I did it because I don't know where my head is going, or even IF it's going. That the situation with her, or lack of one or whatever, is driving me to distraction. That I'm not dealing with the verdict as well as I thought, or with losing nan. I told her that things just got too much for me again, which while true, still felt like a lie. I can't work out how she feels about it either, obviously she doesn't like it but I don't know if she's angry.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, probably because, as I've said before, I find this therapeutic.
I'm not ashamed that I'm an ex-self harmer, though I suppose I should lose the 'ex' there, because my scars make ne who I am. It's peoples reactions that get to me the most. 'Emo', 'attention seeking' and so on. Ignorant stupid reactions, and if there's one thing I hate it's ignorance. People don't understand it, but think they've got it sussed. And they haven't. At all.
When I cut again, it was the first time for roughly a year. To be honest I think I've done well to last as long as I have, but now I'm scared the floodgates will open up again and I won't be able to stop doing it again.
I guess it's just another battle.
It's the not knowing that's killing me.
If she does still have feelings for me, and wants something, then great. If she doesn't, then I need to know. Maybe I'll be able to go away for a bit with someone and sort my head out, try and get rid of any feelings so I can still be friends with her. Because romantic feelings aside, she is my best friends. She has been my rock this past year I've known her, and I just can't face losing her. When all my other friends fucked off, she stayed. I feel like I'm letting her down. She says she realised she had feelings for me around the time of my birthday, and that she was pretty much 'in love' with me not long after. But I'm not the same person as I was then. Im vastly overweight, have zero conficence and I'm a complete mess. Then again, that was all true when she told me how she felt, and when I said that she said she didn't care, it didn't matter.
The other issue is whether she does move away. I know she hasn't been overly happy here in Exeter for a while now, and I think visiting her friend up in Essex has only heightened any desire to move away. I know she's been looking at jobs up there. I've just got this gut wrenching image of her moving to Essex with P and living happily ever after with him, leaving me here on my own again. If she does go, I really will be on my own. But I don't think she'd stay for me.
I just need to know what's going on.
It's H's 18th birthday do tomorrow evening, and while I know a lot of undesirables will be there I said I'd pop in for a drink or two. L said she'd come too and then maybe we'd go somewhere after for something to eat. Maybe we'll talk then. Maybe she'll suggest or ask me to stay at hers so we can talk some more there on our own. I just don't know.
All I know is that at the minute I feel like I'm going insane again, like I need to start my life from scratch, somewhere else, as someone else. But unfortunately that's not really an option. In a few years maybe it would be, but I need a way out NOW.
I just want things to clear up, or fuck off. I've had enough of this year, of most years to be honest, but this one really takes the biscuit. At the minute, I don't see a future for me. I can't see anything, no success, no happiness, nothing. Literally nothing. I can't see how I can have a future now. Nothing feels right. It hasn't for years. I need a new body, a new mind that works how it's supposed to, and new heart, a new life. I just hate how things are. To put it bluntly, I hate myself most of the time, and I know the saying goes "no one can love you til you love yourself", but I just don't really feel worth it. I don't know.
I keep wishing, praying sometimes even, every night before I go to bed; "please let this day be easier. Give me a personality transplant. Make me happy. Let me wake up and realise this is all a nightmare. Let me wake up, slim, healthy, happy, and loved. Loved by me. Give me some sanity."
And every day? Nothing.
I'm just tired, so tired, and right now I don't see a way out.

Apologies for being so doom and gloom.
And don't worry, this isn't some suicide note, I'm too much of a coward for that. I think there is still some small, hidden facet of hope somewhere in me, that tells me I'm not going anywhere, not yet, and not by my own hand.
So I'll still be here tomorrow, trying to figure out a way forwards.

Wish me luck won't you?
And wish my wish with me.

H.x

Furio. - Dear Liz.

EDIT: To any twitter friends or anyone who has something to say, I'd rather you posted it here so its all in one place. You can DM me too if you really want, but here would be great.

Ok, so its not entirely often I get angry, but when I do, I get really fucking angry.
Now as most of you will know, especially those of you who have bothered to read any of this blog and/or get to know me at all, this last year has been a bit tough on me, perhaps to say the least. For the most part, bar one or two idiots on twitter who have had a go at me for reasons beyond my control or understanding, I have found most of you twits/twitterers/tweeters/twats/etc to be a charming, lovely and oh so caring bunch. A fair few of you are actually going some way to restore some of my lost faith in humanity. (There's a compliment in there somewhere :P )
But some people aren't so understanding, or nice, or caring. Some people are just plain... twattish.
Now I have explained in the past my reasons for using a 'fake' name on twitter etc, though I feel in light of this I am going to have to do it YET AGAIN.

So, the reason for my fury.
There's a very nice lad on twitter, his name is @Abcmsaj/Alex Dixon, and as I say, he is a very nice young man, if a bit cheeky :P He's very clever when it comes to all things technology, and nice to talk to. I believe he has a lady friend, commonly known as a girlfriend, though I could be wrong. Now, besides the obvious fact, eg. you know, my being gay, there is nothing going on between us. For starters I dont really talk to him that much/enough to constitute anything going on.
However, someone somewhere seems to have other ideas, and is perhaps more than a little jealous of our non-existent relationship.

Now last night, this amiable young fellow alerted me to the fact that this particular person seems to have got the wrong idea, and gone a bit... over the top, shall we say. He pointed me in the direction of her blog, which highlights what seem to be her manufactured issues and, to my mind, slanderous comments. In her post, she says she cannot name names for legal reasons. I have no such qualms. I am here only presenting my 'side of the story' which she seems to have got so magnificently wrong. Also, if I'm going to 'bitch' about someone I'm damn well not going to pussy foot around the issue, and I'll certainly be making her aware of this.

Quite honestly I think all you need to do is read the offending blog post to figure out why I'm quite so peeved (and thats putting it lightly.) so heres the link.

So lets study some evidence, I like going all CSI ;)

Firstly, I dont think it takes a genius to work out that I am the Finch and Mr Dixon is the Birdwatcher, due to a) calling me the Finch, and b) the subtitle - 'Little Feathered Finches'; ironic no, seeing as my name here is FINCH and my blog is called LITTLE FEATHERS? At least try and be subtle my dear. Now feel free to call me paranoid on this front, but if that is the case then be fully prepared for me to tell you to stop talking out of your arse and read it again :)

Now, lets talk through it shall we? Should be fun.

1) Yes I have a 'double identity'. Pure and simple. My reasoning behind this? Well if you must be told again... actually lets put it hypothetically, ask you some questions and see if you cant get your head around it. Sod that, I'm angry about this particular part. Not that I'm under any obligation to explain myself to you little girl, but I'm the type of person who will not stand for being shat on, and thats what I consider this to be. So just imagine you were sexually assaulted 3 hours into the first day of 2009, and had something taken from you, something you can never get back, something that should have been yours and yours alone to give you who you chose, to someone you love and loves you. Say your friends all but deserted you because they were 'fed up' of your clinical depression, pissed off that you were 'no fun' to be around because the attention wasn't all on them, because it hadn't happened to them. Say your 'best' friends had been making homophobic comments to and about you ever since you'd finally worked up the guts to come out them, and ever since the attack they all but increased the intensity. Say your friends probably didn't believe you, that they'd called you a 'crap lesbian' before when a stranger tried to kiss you and didn't believe you when you told them you told him where to stick it, so a part of you cant help but think they just think you're making it up. Say you hadn't had a proper nights sleep in 6 months, always still awake at gone 1AM and not wanting to wake up in the morning. Say all your choices regarding how you live your life from now on were taken away from you, your choice as to when you come out to your parents was wrenched from you, because its the strongest piece of evidence in court. Say you ended up dropping out of college (your high school I think) because everything you'd ever been good at just suddenly vanished. Lets just say you wake up (eventually) on some mornings and want to die, dont think you're strong enough to carry on anymore, strong enough to face the world, strong enough to make the decisions as to whether or not you should bother to fight for those friendships you'd just lost but were all you'd had for the past 16 years. Lets pretend you didn't really like yourself anymore. You hate your own body, and mind, and soul, and you feel like you're letting everyone down. How about if you had so little regard for yourself, were made to believe by shit friends and strangers that you're not worth anything, would you want a little escape? A little place somewhere, where those people weren't, where you could be who you truly feel like you could be, make new friends, new bonds, new strides in your life, wouldn't you do the same? Wouldn't you want to separate it from your other life, at least a little, if you know that those 'friends' would mock your 'internet life' and call you a saddo, weirdo, and like you even less? Wouldn't you want to be someone else? Someone you actually might be able to like, to be proud to be?
Can you maybe comprehend that?
This Finch does have emotion little girl, perhaps too much. This Finch hurts every day, wants to bleed everyday but doesn't want to let her parents down any more. This Finch wants to fly, but is too fucking heavy everywhere. This Finch has a fucking burning, bleeding hole where her choices, plans, and life were. This Finch's heart is fucking heavy, painful, full. This Finch doesn't know for sure where the name she chose came from. Perhaps subconsciously it was for those reasons. For wanting to fly, wanting to soar above all the nay sayers and shit-stirrers and life breakers. Swoop down on those people who ruined my life, made me feel shit every waking day, and open my bowels on their huge, brainless heads. Maybe it was because, as a Finch, I am small yet I am mighty. Who knows. I'd like to think it was all of those reasons, and more.
Is that clear enough to you?
Because until you've been through what I've been through in my 17 years, you can shut the fuck up. If you have, then I am truly sorry. Sorry for your hurt, sorry for your pain, and sorry for the cynical, jealous, and unnecessarily nasty person it has made you. I would never wish my life on anyone. But I am still. fucking. here. Still fighting. Just. By the skin of my teeth I am fighting. (Or should that be with the tips of my wings, or the strength of my beak?) As this demonstrates. I will not stand for being shat on. Being belittled, slandered, 'bitched' about anymore. 17 years of bullying, attacks, assaults, being worn down, can do that to a girl. Which answers one of your other musings. Yes I'm a girl.

Lets see... what else you wondered about, I'll try and clear things up for you.

2) Thank you for calling me special.
3) (answered in 1) I am a girl.
4) My 'feathers', or hair, as I took it to infer, is brown. With a hint of auburn inherited from the grandmother I am (legally, really) named after that I never met. My mothers mother. When the light catches and the auburn shines through, I can see my mother smiling.
5) My eyes are blue. Blue grey to be exact. I've been told in certain lights and at certain angles they might even pass for beautiful. My picture has been very heavily photoshopped to within an inch of its life, to avoid being recognized. I've also been clear about this. I dont like the way I look, I wish I was different, so until I'm confident with my body a bit more, I'll be hiding that way.
6) I wasn't aware I 'psych people out'. I apologize to those I have done this to. I wasn't aware being honest and free with my language could have such a negative impact. Perhaps those of you who find me 'psych out'-y could elaborate for me. I am always open to improving myself in whatever way I can.
7) The Birdwatcher is British, to the best of my knowledge. Perhaps you dont know him very well?
8) He came on very strong? I myself have seen no evidence of this, unless perhaps you communicate via text, private email or some other unseen means. He himself seemed more than a little bewildered by this claim too. From what I have seen, he's a fairly flirty (but otherwise harmless) kind of guy.
9) He's always seemed honest enough to me.
10) Your bullet points. Perhaps I should make some corresponding bullets.

• You said yourself you don't know what I look like, how can he? Have you sent him pictures of yourself? Does he know what you look like? No. If I remember rightly, you and I were the two people on twitter he said he would like to see a picture of, to find out what we look like. So I hardly think that arguement stands up on its own.
• I've never really given him anything, apart from tweets, time and conversation. I dont want to ask what you might have given him...
• What he does or doesn't do in his own time is none of our business. In fact he seems just as interested in technology as you do. Something you have in common. Do you have something 'better to do'?
• Perhaps you could enlighten us with an example? Was talking to you a mistake? Or talking to me? Or talking to us both? Joining twitter?
• I tricked no one. I have been nothing but honest from the start.

11) I would liken myself more to the Medium Ground Finch, if a comparison must be made. I'm not the greatest fan of heights despite my desire to fly, so wouldn't suit high tree life too well. I don't like cacti/cactus'. I don't like wood and I'd rather not peck it. I'm no vegetarian. I consider myself able to hold a tune so would rather not be accused of warbling. I suppose the only other one I could be is the Sharp Beaked Finch. I think you can work that one out yourself.

12) Spotlight Finch? Oh please, you're the one putting me there. I'll tell you the species you forgot girl; the human fucking Finch.
13) Legal reasons? It aint even my real name darling, as we've established. Go ahead, 'name and shame' me.
14) The feeling I give off...

• Feeling A) Already explained this. HUMAN FINCH. FICTIONAL REALITY.
• Feeling B) Once more, you contradict yourself. He knows what I look like no more than you. He can have my DNA if he wants, but I expect he'll be sorely disappointed compared to the picture in his head ;)
• Feeling C) Correct. Correct. Fuck off - how many more times can you miss this? To say I'm lying would have to mean that I haven't been straight with people from the start, which I have. I don't currently have a job, I lost both of those in the aftermath of New Years as I wasn't able to cope, thanks for the reminder. I don't think I'm beautiful, far from it, as established. Is that another back-handed compliment?

15) If I could hiss this I would; I am no fucking hoe, lady.

16) More Finch spottings in the future? 'Bring it bitch'. We'll spot each other yeah?

A separate point. If this is all because you feel hard done by by some guy, why take it out on me? Someone you clearly dont know, have never spoken to before? Why? How have I done you wrong?
And to clarify, I am NOT his girlfriend. Apart from a) my well known sexuality that would pose a problem, there is the fact that b) I've never met him, c) Even if I had, it doesn't guarantee anything, d) I am about as far from interested in anything like that as you can get, for obvious reasons. (Not that you're not a lovely chap Alex, just not quite my type, what with the manhood and everything :P)

Alex hasn't asked me to do anything, if anything I should have asked him if it was ok or if he had any objections to his being mentioned here before I even started writing, but I was going on impulse. I'm doing this because you've upset and angered me. He's a big boy, I'm sure he can take care of himself ;)

Yeah you've made me mad, really quite mad. Angry. Fuming. Rage.
I will NOT lie down and be walked all over any more. For me, there's no dignity in silence any more. If there was, he would have got away with what he did to me.
I'm fighting back against you, against everyone else who's got a problem with me. I've tried to make this as intelligent a counter-post as possible. Sure my language is more than a little rough in places, but sometimes no other word works anywhere near as well as 'fuck'. I hope perhaps anyone reading this can empathise or sympathise even slightly with my stance on this. Things are hard. I've got an even bigger fight on my hands when this finally goes to trial at the end of September. Consider this practice.

This bird's got bite, baby.

courtesy of @liz_is_ep1c at ep1cblog.blogspot.com

PS. I like the little logo thing. I might borrow that now and in future. Inadvertent help, feel proud. Full credit and everything.

Cut up, come out: I'm scared.

* * *

PLEASE NOTE; The spelling, grammar and sense of this may have gone all to shit as this was written at about 2-3AM, and was all basically a stream of conciousness. Please forgive me any such misdemeanors.

ALSO; Please comment on this post with your thoughts. I'd prefer it to sending me something on Twitter as I'll only lose the tweets, at least here it's all in one place.

* * *

Watched a BBC documentary about self harmers this evening and it's suddenly brought a lot of shit back.
Oddly enough it's not just the shit of my own history with the matter, but the future. More specifically the fact I have to come out to my parents.
To say I'm petrified would be putting it lightly.
I honestly feel like I can't do it. They've been through enough over the past few months, they've been through what I've been through in a sense, and I just feel like would just destroy them.

I hate that I think that.
I hate that I think that their daughter being gay would be the end of life as they know it, but I kind of do.
They're from a different generation, a different 'time' and I just don't know how they'll deal with it.
Plus things that my mum and dad say sometimes just make me even more scared of telling them. Of course, I know they wouldn't say some of the stuff they do if they knew, in a way it's a bit like... I don't know, talking about cancer in a room with someone who cancer, but you don't know they do, so some of the things you say might seem harsh whereas if you knew, things would be said differently.
Then there's what my mum used to say and look like while my sister was at Uni and living with a lesbian. Who is now a close friend of my sisters. Actually a lot of her friends seem to be lesbians. And she has rather lesbian-orientated nicknames. In other words there's every possibilty that my sister is also gay, and mum has always seemed petrified of that possibilty.
There's the added fear that if she IS my mum might feel the whole 'no grand children' thing. (Uh, mum, you also have a son. And he's definately straight.) and my mum might think she's a failure or something stupid.
Then again, if my sister is gay but I get in there and tell mum and dad first, SHE'LL be the one more likely to get that speech.
I'm so scared.
I don't want them to think anything has changed.
All the cliches apply: I'm still the same person etc. I really am though that's the thing. I've known for a silly amount of years. I've known I'm gay for longer than I haven't, so they've been living with me as I am, as it were.
I'm just so scared.
My mums faith is quite important to her as well, even thought it's been tested quite vigorously over the course of her life, and it just scares me that I'm essentially 'unholy', 'wrong' and against her religion.
In everything I've done in my life, the foremost thought is that I never want to disappoint my parents.
But then I think, I have stuffed up in the past, big time, and they've never been 'disappointed' with me despite the shit I've done.
It's just so confusing.
I keep trying to put it off, but it has to be done.
But it has to be done fairly, for everyone.
I always knew I wasn't just going to let then find out in the courtroom, as that would be horrible for them, but now it's about finding the right time. The right time for me so I feel ok about it but also so that they can have enough time before the trial to get 'used to it' as such.
I need them fully on my side.
Of course I'd hope and in a way I am sure they wouldn't 'abandon' me in that sense in my hour of need, but it's just so scary.
On one hand, if anything this is the perfect time to tell them; they can't chuck me out or disown me as it would be utterly shameful if they did, and the fact that my sexuality made what happened even worse, (eg I like girls so why would I want to have sex with him) so perhaps I'd get the 'sympathy' there.
It's so much more complicated than that though.
I'd always maintained I wasn't going to tell them, if not innthe near future perhaps never. Some of my friends didn't understand that but eventually respected the fact it was my decision to make.
Obviously there have been many, many times when I've wanted, needed them to know.
Part of the reason behind all the self harm shit and my depression is because of the homophobia and related bullying. Part of my problems with my friends is because most of them have shown by their actions and words that they're not nearly as ok with my being gay as they tell me. Part of the reason I've felt so utterly fucked up in the past is because I've not been able to talk to my mum about falling in love etc like any normal teenage girl.
But mostly, I'm scared shitless that they'll hate me.

Then, only is theire the question of WHEN, but also HOW.

I've only ever really said the words "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" to... hmm let me think... one adult? And that was my SOLO. And she knew anyway, and had to tell me she knew, and that it would come up in court etc.
The way I told my friends was a combination of accidental outbursts/slip-ups or entirely correct guesswork on their part. Then it got spread around the school so I never really had to deal with the issue of coming out to anyone. (And that's the other thing, once you've 'come out' it's not as simple as just doing it the one time. You have to do it for practically everyone you know really. You straight people have it so easy.)

So how the fuck am I meant to do this?

I don't feel like I can say the actual words to them. One way to break the fear of telling adults I suppose would be to tell my ISVA. She's essentially my counsellor for the period of time leading up to the trial. Thinking about it, I probably should tell her as the stress of having to tell mum and dad is part of my shit right now, and it's being part of the trail.

So that then leaves me with very few options as far as I can see. My initial idea, while although possible yes a bit 'chicken', is to tell them in a letter. This would be preferable for many reasons; A) I don't have to say it, B) I won't have to see their faces and C) they can't interrupt. And boy are they likely to do that. And there's a lot I'd need to say. So I could write the letter, put it somewhere not too obvious but easy enough to find of they know where it is, then essentially 'leg it' and go somewhere with a couple of friends, text mum and dad and tell them there's a letter they need to read and to text or call me when they feel they can.

That's one option.

Another is to tell them face to face, but with 'back up'. Plenty of people have offered to fill such a role, eg my two best friends and the aforementioned SOLO officer, so I'm not short of options there. Best friend A (oldest friend) probably wouldn't know what to say but she is like a member of the family; best friend B would probably know better what to say and is also like a family member, but due to the nature of our friendship and the way we are with each other we've both agreed that my parents might think she's my girlfriend or that something is a least going on. She's not, and there isn't. The third is a highly supportive nice and friendly police officer (eg parents can't get physical lol) with children of her own and a best friend who is a lesbian and she was the first adult to know. Would seem easy to choose amongst that lot.

Then there's the option that I tell each parent separately. Eg. Dad first. As I think he'd react better. But I'm scared I could be wrong. I reckon dad would be more ok with it than mum, but what if it's the other way round?

Or I could tell another family member first and they could help me out. My brother might just be cool with it, but it's kinda cutting it fine to sort it out in a way. But he knows what it's like to feel like an outsider (to clarify, he's not gay. My sister might be, but that's another matter. As you have read.) so he'd probably be ok with it. Plus, he never had a little brother and my dad isn't the most sexually charged (or even interested) man, thank god, so my brothers never really had that person he can talk to about girls. And neither have I. Plus plus, he's so protective of me that he honestly probably wouldn't care less as long as I'm happy. He's lovely like that.
Or there's my aunty, my mums sister. She lives in London but we're going up there next week and she now knows about what happened so there'd be no need to tell her about that. And even though she's only something like 5 years younger than my mum, she's always been quite a bit more... liberal, shall we say :) she's an absolute riot! So that's another option.

But I don't have nearly long enough to work all this out.
The 23rd September is only really just under 2months away. I just don't know what to do. I don't really want to do anything in one way, I don't want to tell them.
But I don't have a choice.
Of I want to have any chance of getting justice, I have to tell them.

Help me?

Anyone got any experience in this matter? Or even of you don't, do you have any advice? Out of the ideas I've mentioned, which one seems best? Or is there another way I could do it, that I haven't thought of? (more than likely).

Please help.

I need the advice of the people that I feel, by now, I can listen to and trust and who know me a bit. That's YOU, by the way, just so we're clear.

Please comment on this post with your thoughts. I'd prefer it to sending me something on Twitter as I'll only lose the tweets, at least here it's all in one place.

Thank you.
I'm really feeling at a bit of a loose end here. It can't be good for me.

H.xx

Retreat.

So it's 03.49 by my phone as I start writing this, as I finally get to bed. The reason for my late bed time is a good heartfelt chat with my mother. Somehow we always end up having these big talks were I pour my heart out in the small hours. Not had so many recently, and with things being so strained at home over the last few days it was good to bond again. It started off talking about driving, with us both sat on the sofa and mum teaching me how to drive :) you see, I sent off for my provisional liscence the other day and on fathers day mum has said I can drive her car :) god knows how we got from that to me talking about how shit I feel, crying lots and then crying some more over my friends.
Basically at the end of it all, my mum spoke wisely; (Not that she didn't throughout the chat) I need help. Professional help. There's so many unaddressed issues I need to deal with and I can't start to heal and move on with my life unless I do.
And then she said something that I thought would upset me, but didn't. "If it came to it, and if it's possible, do you think going away somewhere for a month or so would help?" Admittedly yes at first I thought she was suggesting a holiday, but then realised what she meant. She tried to sweeten it but basically she meant would I be up for something like rehab, or a retreat somewhere with the right kind of psychological help on tap 24/7 and the right kind of facilities, if I thought it would help or would be worth a shot.
And the funny thing is, the more I think about it, the more ok that sounds. Sure, I don't want to be a 'nutter' but if it would help then surely it's worth a try? Certainly, at the minute I'm definately not getting the right support I need, and being at home not feeling able to leave the house, and being so close to everything and everyone that's added to my problems over the years, isn't doing my any good. So maybe getting away for a while would be the right thing for me. Definately worth a think, right?

But right now I need to cut this short and dead and get some sleep. Which should be easier said than done with all the bloody morning birds outside twittering and twatting around.

Morning all. Wake well.


iPhone post

Apologies.

For my severe lack of blog entries over the recent weeks. I have been meaning to sit down and write out several entries, all likely to be very long, but have just not been able to find the time or the energy. Still dont have either right now. For the last few weeks I've been struggling a lot; with friends, family, myself...pretty much everything. I'm getting to the point where I'm just feeling tired of everything, and everything's stacking up. Mostly as a result of what happened at NY's but to be honest I think that was just a trigger that exacerbated existing and underlying problems. Right now though I need to get some sleep, and try not to get too worried about tomorrow; put it this way, the test results I get back tomorrow are for something that I never thought I would have to be tested for at the age of 16, if ever, something that I wouldn't have to have been tested for if it weren't for what happened, and is something that takes approximately 3 months to test for; "do the math". And although its like 99.999999% likely to be negative, I cant help but worry a little. (Although according to my friends, I'm worrying for nothing at all and being stupid, cheers.)
So for now, goodnight, because I fucking need my sleep right now. I will post again tomorrow (hopefully, twitters know I've been saying that most days for weeks) all being well, and will more than likely have a lot to say if I do. Too tired. Laters.