Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Furio. - Dear Liz.

EDIT: To any twitter friends or anyone who has something to say, I'd rather you posted it here so its all in one place. You can DM me too if you really want, but here would be great.

Ok, so its not entirely often I get angry, but when I do, I get really fucking angry.
Now as most of you will know, especially those of you who have bothered to read any of this blog and/or get to know me at all, this last year has been a bit tough on me, perhaps to say the least. For the most part, bar one or two idiots on twitter who have had a go at me for reasons beyond my control or understanding, I have found most of you twits/twitterers/tweeters/twats/etc to be a charming, lovely and oh so caring bunch. A fair few of you are actually going some way to restore some of my lost faith in humanity. (There's a compliment in there somewhere :P )
But some people aren't so understanding, or nice, or caring. Some people are just plain... twattish.
Now I have explained in the past my reasons for using a 'fake' name on twitter etc, though I feel in light of this I am going to have to do it YET AGAIN.

So, the reason for my fury.
There's a very nice lad on twitter, his name is @Abcmsaj/Alex Dixon, and as I say, he is a very nice young man, if a bit cheeky :P He's very clever when it comes to all things technology, and nice to talk to. I believe he has a lady friend, commonly known as a girlfriend, though I could be wrong. Now, besides the obvious fact, eg. you know, my being gay, there is nothing going on between us. For starters I dont really talk to him that much/enough to constitute anything going on.
However, someone somewhere seems to have other ideas, and is perhaps more than a little jealous of our non-existent relationship.

Now last night, this amiable young fellow alerted me to the fact that this particular person seems to have got the wrong idea, and gone a bit... over the top, shall we say. He pointed me in the direction of her blog, which highlights what seem to be her manufactured issues and, to my mind, slanderous comments. In her post, she says she cannot name names for legal reasons. I have no such qualms. I am here only presenting my 'side of the story' which she seems to have got so magnificently wrong. Also, if I'm going to 'bitch' about someone I'm damn well not going to pussy foot around the issue, and I'll certainly be making her aware of this.

Quite honestly I think all you need to do is read the offending blog post to figure out why I'm quite so peeved (and thats putting it lightly.) so heres the link.

So lets study some evidence, I like going all CSI ;)

Firstly, I dont think it takes a genius to work out that I am the Finch and Mr Dixon is the Birdwatcher, due to a) calling me the Finch, and b) the subtitle - 'Little Feathered Finches'; ironic no, seeing as my name here is FINCH and my blog is called LITTLE FEATHERS? At least try and be subtle my dear. Now feel free to call me paranoid on this front, but if that is the case then be fully prepared for me to tell you to stop talking out of your arse and read it again :)

Now, lets talk through it shall we? Should be fun.

1) Yes I have a 'double identity'. Pure and simple. My reasoning behind this? Well if you must be told again... actually lets put it hypothetically, ask you some questions and see if you cant get your head around it. Sod that, I'm angry about this particular part. Not that I'm under any obligation to explain myself to you little girl, but I'm the type of person who will not stand for being shat on, and thats what I consider this to be. So just imagine you were sexually assaulted 3 hours into the first day of 2009, and had something taken from you, something you can never get back, something that should have been yours and yours alone to give you who you chose, to someone you love and loves you. Say your friends all but deserted you because they were 'fed up' of your clinical depression, pissed off that you were 'no fun' to be around because the attention wasn't all on them, because it hadn't happened to them. Say your 'best' friends had been making homophobic comments to and about you ever since you'd finally worked up the guts to come out them, and ever since the attack they all but increased the intensity. Say your friends probably didn't believe you, that they'd called you a 'crap lesbian' before when a stranger tried to kiss you and didn't believe you when you told them you told him where to stick it, so a part of you cant help but think they just think you're making it up. Say you hadn't had a proper nights sleep in 6 months, always still awake at gone 1AM and not wanting to wake up in the morning. Say all your choices regarding how you live your life from now on were taken away from you, your choice as to when you come out to your parents was wrenched from you, because its the strongest piece of evidence in court. Say you ended up dropping out of college (your high school I think) because everything you'd ever been good at just suddenly vanished. Lets just say you wake up (eventually) on some mornings and want to die, dont think you're strong enough to carry on anymore, strong enough to face the world, strong enough to make the decisions as to whether or not you should bother to fight for those friendships you'd just lost but were all you'd had for the past 16 years. Lets pretend you didn't really like yourself anymore. You hate your own body, and mind, and soul, and you feel like you're letting everyone down. How about if you had so little regard for yourself, were made to believe by shit friends and strangers that you're not worth anything, would you want a little escape? A little place somewhere, where those people weren't, where you could be who you truly feel like you could be, make new friends, new bonds, new strides in your life, wouldn't you do the same? Wouldn't you want to separate it from your other life, at least a little, if you know that those 'friends' would mock your 'internet life' and call you a saddo, weirdo, and like you even less? Wouldn't you want to be someone else? Someone you actually might be able to like, to be proud to be?
Can you maybe comprehend that?
This Finch does have emotion little girl, perhaps too much. This Finch hurts every day, wants to bleed everyday but doesn't want to let her parents down any more. This Finch wants to fly, but is too fucking heavy everywhere. This Finch has a fucking burning, bleeding hole where her choices, plans, and life were. This Finch's heart is fucking heavy, painful, full. This Finch doesn't know for sure where the name she chose came from. Perhaps subconsciously it was for those reasons. For wanting to fly, wanting to soar above all the nay sayers and shit-stirrers and life breakers. Swoop down on those people who ruined my life, made me feel shit every waking day, and open my bowels on their huge, brainless heads. Maybe it was because, as a Finch, I am small yet I am mighty. Who knows. I'd like to think it was all of those reasons, and more.
Is that clear enough to you?
Because until you've been through what I've been through in my 17 years, you can shut the fuck up. If you have, then I am truly sorry. Sorry for your hurt, sorry for your pain, and sorry for the cynical, jealous, and unnecessarily nasty person it has made you. I would never wish my life on anyone. But I am still. fucking. here. Still fighting. Just. By the skin of my teeth I am fighting. (Or should that be with the tips of my wings, or the strength of my beak?) As this demonstrates. I will not stand for being shat on. Being belittled, slandered, 'bitched' about anymore. 17 years of bullying, attacks, assaults, being worn down, can do that to a girl. Which answers one of your other musings. Yes I'm a girl.

Lets see... what else you wondered about, I'll try and clear things up for you.

2) Thank you for calling me special.
3) (answered in 1) I am a girl.
4) My 'feathers', or hair, as I took it to infer, is brown. With a hint of auburn inherited from the grandmother I am (legally, really) named after that I never met. My mothers mother. When the light catches and the auburn shines through, I can see my mother smiling.
5) My eyes are blue. Blue grey to be exact. I've been told in certain lights and at certain angles they might even pass for beautiful. My picture has been very heavily photoshopped to within an inch of its life, to avoid being recognized. I've also been clear about this. I dont like the way I look, I wish I was different, so until I'm confident with my body a bit more, I'll be hiding that way.
6) I wasn't aware I 'psych people out'. I apologize to those I have done this to. I wasn't aware being honest and free with my language could have such a negative impact. Perhaps those of you who find me 'psych out'-y could elaborate for me. I am always open to improving myself in whatever way I can.
7) The Birdwatcher is British, to the best of my knowledge. Perhaps you dont know him very well?
8) He came on very strong? I myself have seen no evidence of this, unless perhaps you communicate via text, private email or some other unseen means. He himself seemed more than a little bewildered by this claim too. From what I have seen, he's a fairly flirty (but otherwise harmless) kind of guy.
9) He's always seemed honest enough to me.
10) Your bullet points. Perhaps I should make some corresponding bullets.
  • You said yourself you don't know what I look like, how can he? Have you sent him pictures of yourself? Does he know what you look like? No. If I remember rightly, you and I were the two people on twitter he said he would like to see a picture of, to find out what we look like. So I hardly think that arguement stands up on its own.
  • I've never really given him anything, apart from tweets, time and conversation. I dont want to ask what you might have given him...
  • What he does or doesn't do in his own time is none of our business. In fact he seems just as interested in technology as you do. Something you have in common. Do you have something 'better to do'?
  • Perhaps you could enlighten us with an example? Was talking to you a mistake? Or talking to me? Or talking to us both? Joining twitter?
  • I tricked no one. I have been nothing but honest from the start.
11) I would liken myself more to the Medium Ground Finch, if a comparison must be made. I'm not the greatest fan of heights despite my desire to fly, so wouldn't suit high tree life too well. I don't like cacti/cactus'. I don't like wood and I'd rather not peck it. I'm no vegetarian. I consider myself able to hold a tune so would rather not be accused of warbling. I suppose the only other one I could be is the Sharp Beaked Finch. I think you can work that one out yourself.
12) Spotlight Finch? Oh please, you're the one putting me there. I'll tell you the species you forgot girl; the human fucking Finch.
13) Legal reasons? It aint even my real name darling, as we've established. Go ahead, 'name and shame' me.
14) The feeling I give off...
  • Feeling A) Already explained this. HUMAN FINCH. FICTIONAL REALITY.
  • Feeling B) Once more, you contradict yourself. He knows what I look like no more than you. He can have my DNA if he wants, but I expect he'll be sorely disappointed compared to the picture in his head ;)
  • Feeling C) Correct. Correct. Fuck off - how many more times can you miss this? To say I'm lying would have to mean that I haven't been straight with people from the start, which I have. I don't currently have a job, I lost both of those in the aftermath of New Years as I wasn't able to cope, thanks for the reminder. I don't think I'm beautiful, far from it, as established. Is that another back-handed compliment?
15) If I could hiss this I would; I am no fucking hoe, lady.

16) More Finch spottings in the future? 'Bring it bitch'. We'll spot each other yeah?

A separate point. If this is all because you feel hard done by by some guy, why take it out on me? Someone you clearly dont know, have never spoken to before? Why? How have I done you wrong?
And to clarify, I am NOT his girlfriend. Apart from a) my well known sexuality that would pose a problem, there is the fact that b) I've never met him, c) Even if I had, it doesn't guarantee anything, d) I am about as far from interested in anything like that as you can get, for obvious reasons. (Not that you're not a lovely chap Alex, just not quite my type, what with the manhood and everything :P)

Alex hasn't asked me to do anything, if anything I should have asked him if it was ok or if he had any objections to his being mentioned here before I even started writing, but I was going on impulse. I'm doing this because you've upset and angered me. He's a big boy, I'm sure he can take care of himself ;)

Yeah you've made me mad, really quite mad. Angry. Fuming. Rage.
I will NOT lie down and be walked all over any more. For me, there's no dignity in silence any more. If there was, he would have got away with what he did to me.
I'm fighting back against you, against everyone else who's got a problem with me. I've tried to make this as intelligent a counter-post as possible. Sure my language is more than a little rough in places, but sometimes no other word works anywhere near as well as 'fuck'. I hope perhaps anyone reading this can empathise or sympathise even slightly with my stance on this. Things are hard. I've got an even bigger fight on my hands when this finally goes to trial at the end of September. Consider this practice.

This bird's got bite, baby.

courtesy of @liz_is_ep1c at ep1cblog.blogspot.com

PS. I like the little logo thing. I might borrow that now and in future. Inadvertent help, feel proud. Full credit and everything.


  1. Sorry for all you've been through, it sounds like you've had a tough time. I'm sorry for what that other girl has said to you and I know none of this either yours or Alex's fault.
    I'm his girlfriend.

  2. yep u are very angry! good to see u fighting back!its tough to read through what u been, let alone living through it.some of the stuff i couldnt barely read because it was so harsh.but your great person living through this & fighting everyday!keep it up, u amaze me with ur courage!