Tuesday, 31 May 2011


I haven't written anything on this blog for a while. If you care, I apologise. If you don't, well, carry on.

In some ways I've felt like I've needed to blog here everyday for the last few months, but I feel like I haven't been able to. I still almost feel like I can't. Almost in a "not allowed to" kind of way. There are people who (theoretically anyway) read this blog, it's not set to private, so it's there, so sometimes recently I've felt that my usual avenue of expression and expulsion hasn't been open to me. The same goes for twitter to some degree.

I don't know.

Things have been up and down over the last few months. For a while I thought they were going to stay up, at least level out if not keep getting better. But that was a stupid hope. Cos things went tits up. Just for a change.
Again I don't really feel I can say much about it, for fear of criticism. Actua
lly, I don't think that's what I mean. I just mean that, stuff happened, and someone else is involved, and in theory they could read this. And it's not criticism, and I don't dear it. Because to be honest I'm allowed to say what I want, and it's not like any body really reads this. There's been something going round on Tumblr recently, a quote saying something about broadcasting your every thought on the Internet as a way to... you know what I can't even remember the quote. But I know it's true for me. Yes, I can know that something I can't remember, applies to me. I'm a genius. Anyway.
For all I know the only person that reads this is me, ever. If others do read it, then I'm grateful. But I've always maintained that this blog is, along with other creative outlets, a place and a way for me to get stuff out of my head, a weird kind of therapy. Sure I could just write it down somewhere private, but somehow the thought that someone could in theory read it, and maybe offer me advice, or care enough to talk to me, is more theraputic than if I just wrote it somewhere only I could see it. I'm deviating again.

The point is that for a while I thought I was onto a really good thing with someone. They know how I felt, and still feel. But things changed. I didn't think they would, at least not that quickly, but they did.
So I'm in a position now where I feel my usual ways of getting stuff off my chest isn't available for me, because the other person involved could get shitty. Part of me thinks if they do get shitty, it proves something. I don't know. I never really know anything apparently.

So yeah. The last week or so has been rough on my heart and my emotions. I was able to blog here about the situation with Lucie and how that turned out, but feel unable to do so this time around. Which is slightly frustrating. At times I've thought I need a pseudonym for my pseudonym. Silly.

But aside from all that stuff, which I'm still sorting through in my head, all the hurt, all the anger, the frustration, the confusion and, somehow still, the deepest caring for someone, that I will hopefully eventually get my head around, I'm.... Okay.
I can't think of any other word to describe my state right now than okay.
If you'd have asked me last week I would have said "awful". A few months before and I would have told you "I feel great. Amazing. There is someone in my life making me smile every fucking day, who I love, and I miss, and I want to see every day." or something to that effect.
I've started losing some weight, apparently not eating for 4 days when I felt really fucking down and angry worked a treat for that. Bright side.

I've applied to my uni's, picked Greenwich as my first choice and De Montfort as my second. Obviously there will always be a part of me that's disappointed that I won't make it to a 'better' uni now, but I have to keep reminding myself that that isn't my fault. Greenwich is lovely though. And I always knew I'd end up at a London university really, because I'm in love with London.
But obviously to get there I have to pass my A Levels.
I'm confident of at least a B in my Photography AS, if not an A. I got a B for my English coursework and an A in the first module of my A2 Politics. Basically for my two A2's (English & Politics) I need an A and a B. Politics will actually be easier to get an A in thanks to my AS results, I need to get 73% on this last module to get an A, whereas in English I'd have to get full marks for every question to get an A, so a B is more achievable there.
Revision is going... with difficulty.
I've basically got 2 weeks until both my exams on the 16th June. In theory that's plenty of time if I really apply myself and get my ass into fucking gear. Which is what I need to do.

After exams I need to concentrate on sorting out shit to take to uni, losing fuck loads of weight, and getting a job.
I'm also gonna sell loads of my gadgets and stuff for some extra funds for uni. But I will need a job. Eugh. If someone would like to pay me for sleeping I'd be all for it.

In typical me fashion I'm getting distracted by thoughts of selling gadgets etc now, when I need to be concentrating on revision.
I've been thinking of moving from the iPhone 4 to an HTC, and I've told myself I'm going to wait until after my exams to do that, but seem to be finding myself gravitating towards the HTC website time and time again. I need more self discipline.
Story of my life.

When I think about going to university, I do get a bit excited. But I think when I see myself there, in my minds eye it's a thin me I see. A marginally more attractive me. A happy me. A new me.
I've got the summer to find that version of this girl.
I'm excited but also somewhat terrified, in all honesty. I'm hoping that my housemates aren't a girls, because I genuinely don't think I could cope with all the bitching. I'd hope for an even guy/girl mix, best case scenario. And I seriously, really hope I don't end up sharing with a bunch of weirdos. For that matter, I'm more than happy to be the weirdo of our halls. Easily. Just please don't give me a flat load of cunts... I'm totally getting five utter weirdos now aren't I?

I think I've been feeling left behind again, as my old friends start coming home for the summer having finished their first year at uni. I've seen Hannah a couple of times now and each time it's felt really awkward, like we don't know how to be around each other anymore, and I don't understand why. I was with her and a friend she knows from friends, and they seemed to get on so much easier than her and I did. And she's supposed to be my best friend.

I guess I'm just maybe straining at the bit for a real, proper fresh start. This year at college was meant to be a fresh start in some respects, but that's difficult in the same city, in the same college, with some of the same faces.
I can't wait to get to London and find out more who I am. Get away from the past, the memories round every corner of friends who turned out to be cunts. Be a better me, maybe even the me I actually want to be. I can only get that if I get away from here and break away.

So. I'm excited and terrified about uni, nervous and stressing over exams, determined to but scared I'll fail to lose weight, and still hurting from other stuff.
That's my life right now.

Oh, and Doctor Who. That is also a big part of my life right now. Amazing.