Australian wantings, now with pictures :)

So as you know, in 6 months time my parents and I are going to Australia to visit my sister and see the huge land mass :D
Almost as soon as the flights were booked, after being home less than 5 minutes, I was already diving into eBay and Amazon etc and my imagination was playing havoc with my empty wallet.

So basically, this is the list of all the things my tiny, tiny mind is telling me I would love to take to Australia with me :)

• Leather bag.
Seen some really nice ones online, I'm thinking over-the-shoulder, darkish leather, kind of rustic distressed look with room enough for all this other stuff. It needs to have lots of little pockets, but not too many. The perfect amount. Unfortunately, leather costs. Even more unfortunately, the bag in my mind clearly doesn't exist; unless you count the Saddleback Leather Briefcase, left, which costs about £350.

• Digital Camera.

Well my Casio Exilim EX-Z1080 10mpx camera is less than 6 months old and works a charm so I'm happy with that :) Love this bad boy. I'm no photography pro but this takes a sweet picture. Might need spare batteries and memory cards though.

• Laptop/netbook.

Of course, I already have a laptop. In fact, I own two. The three of us in total own 4 laptops between us so you wouldn't think it'd be a problem, right? Well, you're right and you're wrong. First off, size wise my MacBook is probably best suited to the journey, but as it's the older white MacBook it's not exactly feather-light. So weight wise, dads would be best suited, and in terms of price his is the cheapest too so if anything were to happen to it, it's the easiest to replace. However, my inclination, in a perfect world (and this is just my Australia Wanting remember), would be to buy a cheap, possibly second hand from eBay, basic netbook thing to take with us and then sell when we get back. But then we all sit and think, well, do we really need to take one at all? Mum says yes: she can barely go one week without checking her facebook let alone 7! So it requires thinking. Ouch.

• Polaroid camera - One600? SX-70?

Had a real craving for one of these for SO long now. There's something about the charm of those photos, and the simplicity of taking them. Plus, the photos are great for what I have in mind by way of a travel journal (more on that later.) Been looking at two models; the One600 which was the last mass produced Polaroid camera, therefore a bit more modern and sturdy/portable/less fragile, or; the SX-70, a very early model (not sure how early) that's apparently quite sought after but there's a few of on eBay.

• Polaroid PoGo.

Basically the modern reincarnation of the Polaroid cameras of old. Can't be bothered to link you but google it, it's amazing. Size of an iPhone, prints photos in 60seconds, doesn't use ink, (ZINK technology) and the films are self adhesive on the back, yet another advantage for my Aussy photo journalling needs. Around £100 new, Amazon marketplace has them for £22.51 :D especially appealling seeing as the technically superior Fujifilm Pivi is an £100+ import.

• Video camera.

Technically yes, I already have one, and though there's nothing wrong with it, it's so out of date already. I'd love to be able to capture Australia in all it's HD glory, rather than on the one I've got which is slightly grainy looking now. Sanyo VHC-FH1 HD looks good, and £350 on Amazon, but definately needs more looking into.

• iPod :)

OBVIOUSLY. Two lots of 12hr plane rides just to get down under, not to mention the other 6hr flights across Oz, the 2 day Ghan train and the same two 12hr flights home! Not that my parents are so boring I'm going to want to constantly drown them out, but y'know, fair's fair. Does mean I may possibly need to invest in some superior headphones, but in that long run that'd just seem a waste of money.

• Moblie phone.
Yes I have an iPhone, but no I won't be able to use it out there: A) I'll have upgraded to the 3GS by then and B) it'll only be a few months old so there's no way I'm jailbreaking it, and most importantly C) there is no way in HELL I'm paying O2's international roaming charges for 7weeks, especially not when I'll be texting mostly within Oz. We're going to buy Australian SIM cards over there, but obviously although mum and dad will be able to use their own phones fine, my iPhone and I will fail. Hence, I am also looking at Blackberry's on eBay. Plus I want a Blackberry as well as my iPhone anyway :P Specifically the Curve 8900, cos its hot :D

• And last but by no means least: Travel journal.
Some of you may know of my love of Moleskine notebooks and my general borderline-creepy love of all things stationary, but perhaps not of my love of the idea of photo journalling. I say the idea because as of yet my past attempts have ended up being rather neglected. There's an awesome blog at moleskine.vox by this guy who is a creative genius in my eyes when it comes to stationary and journalling. It's not even especially obvious, or even intentional perhaps, but to me there is something so innately and intrinsically cool and artistic about the perfect notebook and pens and such like. Even his handwriting is amazing to me. And he's SO organized! It makes me and my flittish, haphazard ways a little jealous actually. Anyway, partially from his own work and partially from a magazine he talked about and scanned in, I was inspired into trying again when I go to Australia. It'll be the perfect opportunity; sun, sea, sand, Aires Rock, Palm Beach, NEIGHBOURS :D. I can snap away on my digital camera at scenic sweeping outback, Polaroid pwn the Sydney Opera House, and then when we stop at a cafe for lunch or something, I can PoGo my pictures and stick it all in. I can cover the page with glue, grab a handful or sand and take some of the outback home with me. I can really keep track of this once in a lifetime opportunity (that I actually do hope to repeat but still, I'm more likely to keep on top of it on holiday with my parents than travelling with friends in years to come.) Napkins from restaurants will no doubt go in there, cards from hotels we stay at, etc etc. I really want to remember it. Of course, I'll have to be careful not to spend so much time travel journalling that I miss out on anything actually worth journalling. Same goes for filming, though mum seems to want me to film every minute of it.
Now, as any self respecting person will know (:P) the perfect journal needs the perfect pen. And glues. And pencils for sketches. And more pens in case the other pen runs out. And a perfect pencil case for all of the above. So for the next 6 months I will be on the hunt for my perfect travel journal and stationary. I can't wait :)

So that's my ideal Australia wish list, and at the moment it is very much a wish list; with me myself earning no money and anything my parents earn now basically going into the Oz trip, there are a hell of a lot of if's and but's. Firstly I'm going to try and get a job soon hopefully, if I can actually do it. If I cant yet, I suppose there's always my savings if I'm simply overcome with desire for some items, and I can pay myself back when I do get a job as it were. As I say; if's, but's and even a fair few maybe's in there too!
Plus, I've got plenty of shit I can sell.

So there you have it. One long, approximately £800 long list.

If anyone can help me out with any of the items in any way, do please let me know! :D

H.x

Happy New year!

I've just realised I haven't made a new years post yet, so Happy New year everyone!
As you will know, I went away this NY to Looe in Cornwall with mum and dad, for a few days away. I have to say, I did enjoy myself. The cottage was lovely, and on new years night, we had a few drinks, watched a bit of Jools Holland, and then wrapped up warm to go stand outside with a drink to toast and watch the fire works.
We all got a little emotional I think, finally saying goodbye to 2009 and hoping 2010 treats us kinder. I know I did.

Other than that, I have been very, VERY happy recently. The reason? I FINALLY PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!!!!! :D Yes, finally, I dont know whether its third time lucky or new year lucky or both, but it happened :) I can finally cut up my L plates. Although not just yet actually. Because of the snow. Now I love snow and am very happy that Exeter has finally got it, seeing as for the last few weeks I've had to sit and watch the news and listen to people on twitter moaning/rejoicing about the snow in equal measure while I've been wishing for it, I dont really have any desire to drive in it just yet. Besides, I couldnt if I wanted to, as my doors are frozen shut, and the locks are buggered with it. Yay. So now I'm waiting for the temperature to warm up a bit so I can get into my car, and then I'll think about driving it. On my own. Oh god.

Other than that, things are definately good. I am LOVING Assassin's Creed II on the Xbox, and all my other games (not that I've played many of them since I got AC2).
I'm now on book 10, Crossroads of Twilight, of the Wheel of Time series, and I'm loving that too. Robert Jordan was a literary marvel, and I've only got a few more of his books left to read 'for the first time' as I have no doubt I'll be reading this series again. I've heard that Brandon Sanderson has indeed done a good job of book 12, and I cant wait to get there!

Anyway, I'm off to play more AC2 now, but happy new year and love to you all!

H.x

Too much.

Evening all.
Firstly I would like to say, before I get started on the meat of this post, a big thank you to all those people on Twitter who have been amazingly kind and supportive to me over the past month or so. It really hasn't been an easy time for me, but some of you in particular have been absolutely amazing.
I would also like to apologise to those same people on Twitter, and any other followers, who have had to put up with my erratic tweeting/moaning/general misery over said month. Once more, thank you.

So, it's been a while.
My last post was before the trial began, and also mentioned how L had said something that lead me to believe she had feelings for me.
First things first; the trial. It didn't exactly get off to a great start, thanks to the fuck-up that calls itself an 'organisation' (what a joke-as my auntie put it; "they couldn't organise a bunk up in a brothel) - the CPS. Long story short the trial either had to start from scratch with a new judge the next day, or wait until next fucking March; guess which option we went for? It was exhausting. Every day I geared myself up for the fact that I could be called any minute, and for the irate two days; nothing. I tell you, sitting around doing shit all in that environment really takes its toll. Eventually, on the Friday (when the trial was due to end, fat chance) I gave my evidence. I can't really explain how it felt, to have to stand up there and be cross examined. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, but I ended up in floods of tears. To stand up there, having to remember what happened that night, what he did to me, what he made me do to him, in front of everyone, and to be basically accused of lying by the defence barrister...there are no words. I felt...exposed. So entirely vulnerable, like my heart was being ripped out and my soul, my character, was out for all to see and examine. I practically broke down at one point. I'd been told I could stop at any point for a break, but I knew that if I left that room I wouldn't want to go back in. So I stood my ground, and told my side. At times I felt anger; anger that I had to remember that night, anger at the things this woman (the defence barrister) was implying, anger at the man who I thankfully couldn't see but knew was standing so close. Fury, at times, threatened to overwhelm me, but I knew I could not break, would not break. Besides the fact that getting angry and 'smart' with the defence wouldn't help at all, I just knew I could not let myself be broken like that. So instead, I spoke through gritted teeth when needed and through tears when I couldn't fight them anymore. When it was over, and I was dismissed, I felt drained. I cried and cried and cried. My SOLO, R, who was nothing short of amazing, a rock to me, throughout, had been allowed to sit behind me while I spoke, so was instantly on hand to get me out of there. We left and my parents enveloped me. We all cried. Then the court broke for a short while, and after that, L was up to give her evidence. I was outside having a cigarette and she came out 5minutes later. Neither of us were sure if we were now allowed to talk to each other. That moment then, me sitting there, her standing there, just looking at each other, me wanting to badly to just hug her, was horrendous. Finally we were told, yes, it's ok now, and I didn't want to let go. Having been through something all too similar years ago, I knew the process wouldn't have been fun for her, all the more considering her hints of feelings for me. To sum up the next period of time, I went to my brothers with him and stayed there til all my friends who were giving evidence had finished and then came round to his too. Eventually, the court day ended and we could all be together. That night L and I spoke properly, but that's for later.
When court broke for the weekend, and indeed, right up until the verdict, it all seemed to be going well. Our barrister seemed confident, and even the judge seemed to be leaning towards favouring the prosecution.
But it was all for nothing.
"They found the bastard innocent."
Those were the words my father said, and then he started crying. The moment he came in the room, the verdict was written all over his face, the pain, the anger, and the sorrow. My mother was crying, my brother was crying, my SOLO was crying, and L had gone outside to cry. I didn't. I couldn't. I just felt numb. It wasn't for a few more minutes that it swallowed me, but even then it wasn't sadness. It was anger. That fury, that rage that had held its hand over me while I stood in court, slammed down on me. But I had to reign it in. I don't think damaging court property and premises would have been a good way to end things. I needed to get out of there. Nobody knew what to say. I certainly didn't. Over the next few hours, when I had presumed I would go into 'shut down', I found myself able to claw my way out for breath. I would not close down. We went home, and over the next few hours gradually more and more people came to see me and say how sorry they were. There wasn't much I could say. At least it's over.
Even now, I'm not 100% sure how I feel. Angry? Yes. Sad? Yes. Relieved? Oddly, yes. At least it's over.
The system let me down.
Everyone, the police, the barrister, all my support workers, even the judge knew the right verdict, but the truth is, with rape cases, convictions are hard to get. At the moment the figures show that in rape cases, the prosecution level stands at 6 per cent. 6 PER CENT. Women are encouraged to come forward and report this abominable crime, but for what? For the hell of reliving it in a public arena, being called a liar, watching the hell their family goes through as they learn the details? The system is quite frankly BULLSHIT. That man's fate was in the hands of people who have no idea of the torment, the pain, the agony of living as a victim of rape, and they set him free, because there were doubts. I fully appreciate that the jury system may save countless innocent people from prison, but it's plain to see that it is riddled with failings. At the backs of the minds of every one of those jurors was the real possibility of sending a man to prison. How can you claim that would not have had an effect? Strangers cannot be impartial. Maybe there isn't a clear solution, but when only 6 per cent of these evil men are convicted, how can anyone say our justice system works? This 'justice' system hasn't only failed me, and rendered me scared to leave my house in the knowledge that he is still allowed to walk around, free and innocent in the eyes of the law, but it has failed hundreds of women, and will fail countless more. It makes me furious, it breaks my heart that anyone who goes through what I went through, which wasn't even as vicious as this crime can be, have such a small hope of justice. I am now supposed to move on with my life, build a future, but how? Everyone told me how I was right to take it to the police, that I was so brave to take it to court when so many wouldn't, but would I have simply saved myself the pain of those words: not guilty? Would it not be better for women everywhere to exact their own brand of justice on those bastards by having extensive counselling and building happy, successful lives? Of course it would, but it's not that easy. How easy would you find it if, as in my case, your virginity was ripped from you? That act of love, of giving yourself to someone so completely, with so much trust, that you had always warned the chance to give, was stolen from you? How easily could you move on, even if the bastard was incarcerated, let alone if he was allowed to walk away scot free? The justice system is a failure. Men who steal are convicted. Men who rape are not. Rape is stealing a woman’s right, rape is an evil act. The cunt who ruined me apparently considers rape to be 'when the man is violent and beats the woman up and stuff', according to his evidence. Is that not what rape will mean to too many more? The justice system FAILS US.
And I am lost for words.
What more can I say? What more can any one person do? One person who can't even leave the house and go into her local town centre because she knows HE lives nearby! Some small mercy, some small, small solace could, I suppose be found in that fact that his name was published, his address, his details. Anyone who reads the local paper and has the slightest bit of self respect wouldn't go near him. He will be the one who people know was accused, and I can only hope that others can see the truth, even if the court couldn't. I hold onto the conversation overhead by my mother in a local shop - on a day when the headline in the local paper read 'WOMEN WARNED AFTER TWO SEX ATTACKS IN TWO DAYS' my mother heard one woman say to another as they perused the headline; "well it's like that bloke who lives round here, they found him innocent but he was guilty as sin".
Small mercies, small hopes.
6 percent. Gone.

So now I have to move forwards.

My attempts to continue an education I desperately want but am unable to pursue in the full time manner due to previously mentioned inability to leave the house without feeling terrified, and my crippling body hang ups thanks to the weight that has piled on with the depression, have also been scuppered. The local college, that I did attend until it became impossible for me to do so, have the monopoly on local A Level evening classes...which you can only complete if you're aged 19 or over. What a joke. But I won't start on that now. Suffice to say we are battling on this one.

Battling. Constantly.
But there's one more battle that will not be fought anymore.
As some of you will know, over the last few months my grandmother has been in and out of hospital with various problems, and has been really very ill. As of last week, she had accepted she would not be able to return to her own home, and faced losing her leg. Then she lost the use of one of her hands. Then her kidneys packed in. Then she lost blood flow to her foot. Then the infection in her leg started spreading throughout the rest of her body. Then it was realised, that it simply wasn't fair to let her keep fighting, and in so much pain. The doctors and my family agreed it was best for her to simply make her comfortable. And then yesterday, she slipped away from us.
Fortunately, we all got to say goodbye. Mum, dad, brother and I all went to see her the day before. At that point she did still seem to know us. I sat with her, on my own as I had wanted, not knowing what to say. Seeing her like that...that wasn't my Nan lying there. That was an old woman, so small, and old. I held her hand, and she gripped so hard. I told her I love her, and would miss her, and would never forget her. I told her that I would always remember her whenever I eat Semolina and Ginger Nut biscuits, and said "na-night nanny nicely, bye nanny properly" for that last time, though I didn't know it. She wasn't fully with it, and kept saying "must be quick, must be quick", but when I said "I love you" she opened her eyes, looked at me and said "I love you too." When I left the room I turned and looked at her, and her arm was still stretching out to where I had just been sat. I'm crying now as I write this, and remember the last time I saw her alive. None of us actually thought she would go so fast, so it was still a bit of a shock. When mum and dad walked through the door while I was drying the dishes and L came down the stairs after her shower, I knew there was no other reason they would both be here, home at this time. It broke my heart seeing my dad like that. He cried on my shoulder, but I couldn't cry. I just felt so utterly numb. I think I barely blinked for the next few hours. I've never lost a relative before; I still don't know if I'm grieving right. When I was younger, my Nan was such a big part of my life. I'd spend weekends with her, go out on day trips with her, and spend New Years with her when my parents wanted to see their friends. I will hold so many good memories of her, but sadly, also many bad ones. I can't fully yet banish the images of her over the last few years, each time she was in hospital, each time she got ill again. I've never thought of her as old, but at 85, she had lived such a long life. A fighter through and through was my Nan, surviving wars, heart attacks, a stroke, cancer, nervous breakdowns...but she couldn't win every fight. She couldn't beat time. I still can't believe she's gone. Until now, I haven't cried much, I don't know why, but believe me I'm crying now. I'm going to miss her so much. She can't be gone. My Nan, the invincible woman, how can she be gone? My dad is being so amazing, he's lost his mother but he's staying as strong as he can. Sure, I've seen him cry more this past year that in all the rest of my life put together, but he's the strongest man I know. My sister, who's living in Australia, got to say goodbye to Nan when we did, albeit over the phone. Nan knew who she was talking to. She was so proud of my sister, so proud. I only recently found out that the last thing my Nan said to my sister before she moved away was "if you're going for 3 years I expect I'll never see you again." My sister really wanted to come home the day she said goodbye to Nan, but she's now decided to stay out there, which we all agree is the right thing for her to do. All this does make me miss my sister, which I haven't really done for a while. It's hard that he doesn't know everything that's gone on this year, but it's the right thing in the circumstances.

So as it stands, Nan’s funeral will be this Tuesday coming. I've never been to a funeral before, and in a way I think I hoped I never would. I don't want to have to say goodbye. But my Nan will live forever, where it really matters; in our hearts.

I'll always love you Nan, and I miss you more than words can say. I hope you're as proud of me as I am of you, proud I had you in my life, proud that I had you as my Nan. You will be my inspiration, to keep fighting, to keep living as I want to. I will not let this beat me, I will not. You never did. No matter what life did, you held your head high and carried on. You loved your boys, you loved their wives and you loved us, their children. You loved so much, and I will miss you so, so much. We all will. You kept fighting. Right til the very end when you still kept trying to take those bandages off! I will make you proud. I will. I love you Nan. I miss you. Please stay with me. Please help me live as you lived- with love and kindness, as I knew you. Na-night nanny nicely, goodbye nanny properly. You will NEVER be forgotten.

You can't see how much I'm crying right now. But I think I needed that. Writing that, and crying now, I need to cry. I haven't done enough of it recently really. Mum keeps telling me it's ok to cry, and I know it is, but I'm always afraid I won't be able to stop. This year has been, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst of my life. I won't be sorry to see the back of it...but I think I'll stay at home this New Year.

As for things with L...well...!
I feel tired and worn out now but I know how therapeutic writing is for me, and I know if I don't do this now I never will.
Basically, on the Saturday before the trial I think it was, L sent me a text that said something like "I love you more than you realise" so I replied with "Are you trying to tell me something?"
To be honest, I was mainly joking! I didn't think she would reply with "Well yes I am, but it's not the right time to tell you are it?” In the lead up to the trial, we didn't talk much about it, but apparently it was obvious to my SOLO and the other police officer in charge that something was going on! After Friday, L came home with us and stayed the night. I think we were all feeling on a bit of a strange high, I know I was. Having done my bit, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and we all relaxed with a few drinks. When we went up to bed conversation eventually came to what had been said in the texts the other night. Long story short (ha! I hear you cry!) she told me that she had feelings for me and wanted more than just friendship and I said I wasn't sure how I felt, but that I know I love her and she's my best friend and I don't ever want to lose her. The weekend was...interesting. There was a new level to our friendship that we both had to get used to, but it was nice. Flirtier jokes and comments, and texts between us that sometimes shocked me and made me grin a little at the same time. But it was nice. And after the trial, I came to realise that I did feel the same for her. I would be lying if I said that when I first met her I didn't find her attractive, but as I knew she had a boyfriend I pushed any feelings like that aside if ever they came up. She truly became my best friend, and life would seriously have been shit without her.
But then, after the verdict, things seemed to change.
I know it wasn't easy for her either, and she sat in for his evidence which undoubtedly brought back a lot of unpleasant memories. She went away the next weekend as she had already planned, for a friend’s house warming party, and when she left things didn't feel right. She said she needed some time to think and we'd talk when she got back. Only we didn't. And then she had to go back up to Essex to see him again. And then her closest brother was rushed into hospital, where, as far as I know as she isn't telling me much, he still is. There's also the matter of P, her brothers best friend who she had a thing with a while back, is really close to and is completely in love with her. And basically, it would seem she doesn't know how she feels. He knows about how she says she feels for me, and he was more than a little shocked apparently. Other than him, no one else knows. I just don't know what to do. She's obviously been spending a lot of time with P recently because of her brother, but it's hard. I'm trying to be understanding, and be there for her, but when she doesn't tell me what's going on and when she doesn’t talk to me, it's hard to know what to do. She keeps saying there's a couple of things she's wants to say to me but she also doesn't want to, and that if I push her she won't say anything. I also now know she spent the night with P last night, and whilst she says nothing happened, that he was just there to talk about her brother and then they had a fair few drinks and he just ended up staying, and while I believe her, I'm just struggling. They have a lot of history that I know about, and whilst she says she loves me and misses me when she's not with me, when she's on the phone to him or texting him I find it hard to even be in the same room. I haven't spoken to her about it, because with everything going on in both our lives I don't want to upset the balance, but I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know what's going on between us, between her and P, I don't know how her brother is, and she won't talk to me. She's says she knows she can talk to me about anything and that I'm one of the few people she trusts, but then seems to be holding so much back from me. I don't think it’s just 'jealousy' but I don't know what to do. Blame it on my star sign Taurus or whatever, but when I fall for someone I fall hard. This is only the second time I've ever felt like this, and the other girl I badly fell in love with decided to cut me out of her life when she found out I liked her. I so don't want to lose L, but I don't know what to so.

Things are just stacking up again. When the trial ended, other than the feelings I had over the verdict, I also felt relieved it was over. But now, I think I'm not dealing with it as well as I thought, and now Nan’s gone and the situation with L is getting unbearably painful for me and with everything else, I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed again. I've already regrettably reverted to 'old habits' as it were once and I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I can't switch off, can't relax, can't breathe, can't sleep brilliantly again, despite this glorious new bed. Most days I'm walking round with my head working a mile a minute and freaking out. Mainly about L if I'm honest. I'm just worrying about everything. I don't think my medication is helping massively at the moment, and my psych nurse was planning to change my medication soon so I'm worrying about that too!
Part of me just wants to get fucked hammered and pass out, part of me wants to go and smash things, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and die, part of me wants to scream and shout and cry, but no one part of me can decide what I actually AM going to do.

So right now I'm lying awake crying, worried about L because she was going home tonight to meet with her brothers doctor to discuss his situation and I haven't heard from her, worried about mum and dad, worried about how my brother's coping with Nan being gone, worried about my sister on her own on the other side of the fucking world and wondering what the hell the last 3 months of this shitty year are going to throw at me now.

But other than all of that, everything is rosy in this Finch's garden.

Time to get some sleep now I think. Apologies for the length of this post again, as you can see a lot has been going on since my last post so it was sort of necessary. Thank you once more for your support. I just hope it can be enough.

H.x

Over and out :)

So I promised you details; I'll talk you through the few important days, as I know some of you are dying for details (not naming names Josi :P), and then give you a general update as to how things are going.

Tuesday.
Recieved a phone call from my SOLO, R, as promised when I spoke to her before we went away last week, to arrange a time/date for her to come round and help me tell the parents the necessary. We decided on Friday at 1pm. My nerves were mounting already.

Thursday.
My friend L wanted to go out for a meal with us, and I was grateful for the distraction to be honest, otherwise I'd just have been sitting there trembling while my parents wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I got the sense that something was up with L anyway, and was right. Suffice to say her (now ex-) boyfriends parents were being twats, and she was having a bit of difficulty with him too. While we were out I rang my auntie, as she'd said I could, to talk to her. I told her that R was coming round tomorrow at 1pm to help me tell mum and dad. Just chatted for a while and she eased some of my worries and helped me figure out what I was going to actually physically say. My friend then eventually stayed round mine, and we just talked about the next day and how I was feeling about it.


Friday.
L had work at 9am, so I had to semi-wake up then to say goodbye. Mum gave her a lift to work and I went back to bed for an hour or so, as my counsellor wasnt coming round until 11.30am. I woke up again properly at about 11am and my stomach was churning. I was hungry but when I tried to eat anything, I just felt, quite honestly, that I was going to bring it back up again sometime soon. So I gave up with the eating and instead sat on the garden bench shaking like a leaf and chain smoking. 11.30 came and went...and I was getting worse. She was only ten minutes late due to a meeting finishing late, but by the time my counsellor arrived at twenty to 12 I was borderline a mess. I made her a cup of tea and then explained why I was really quite so in need of seeing her. I told her everything she needed to know, and she offered to be there too but said perhaps it might be best if it was just the four of us, but that she could come back later if we needed her. We'd pretty much just finished anyway, but then dad came home at 12.30. I said goodbye to her and went for another cigarette. While I was outside mum arrived home and I knew it was all getting very close. I came in and sat down, and soon enough the doorbell rang. I jumped up ("I'll get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") and answered the door. R greeted me with a kind and knowing smile, and I welcomed her in. She went and said hi to my parents while I put the kettle on. She then joined me in the kitchen and I quietly told her the way I thought it would be best to do this. We'd go through whatever answers she could give us to the questions we asked at the pre-trial court visit, and then I'd take over. I began to relax a little as we went through the questions we had, as it took a bit longer than I'd expected so I had the time to relax. However, as I saw we were answering the last question on the list, my heart sped up by several thousand notches. Then my dad said what I was waiting for; "So, is that everything?"
I looked at R and spoke. I cant remember exactly what I said, but I started by asking them not to interrupt me for a minute, and to just let me talk. I told them that I had something to tell them and it might go some way to explaining the extent and length of my depression, as well as my falling out with my friends and why January was so hard. I told them that I have to tell them as its to do with the case, and that its the strongest piece of evidence in the case for prosecution. I then stumbled one hell of a lot, as getting the actual point of this out was the hardest bit. In the end, I settled for the way I told my auntie and counsellor - "the reason what happened in January was so hard, is because I dont like men." (a phrasing that my mother later realised was quite funny, but more on that later.)

I'm not really sure what I expected, but it certainly wasnt what happened.
I couldnt look at either of my parents, just stared at the floor, but I heard my dad clear enough. He said that my mum and he had had, not their suspicions, but 'an inkling' that that might have been the case, but that it didnt matter to them one bit. At which point I think I may have said 'bloody hell' and laughed a little. R gave me a little smile and a hand on my shoulder. I welled up and my mum spoke. 'It really doesnt matter. If anything it makes sense.' - kind of thing. She then saw I was starting to cry, with relief more than anything, and started crying too. She then asked if she could hug me, to which I replied "please". At which point R said it was probably a good time for her to leave, as we would obviously need time to ourselves. We all thanked her, and I walked to the door with dad to let her out. She gave me a hug goodbye and told me to call her if I needed anything. It was around this time that my mum then got that sudden strange headache you may remember I mentioned, so most of our energy was then focused on looking after mum. She really was in a hell of a lot of pain, and I must admit that the pain and sensation she described, namely that it was down one side of her face and her teeth were feeling strange, did make me panic a bit inside and think it was a stroke. We've since been to the hospital and it wasnt. While she was in a lot of pain, she was worried that I thought it was my fault. Yes, a part of me worried that the shock of me had caused it, and although that was true mum assured me it wasnt in a bad way. She said it was probably because the way I'd been talking as I led up to it sounded a lot worse than it was, and she was thinking "oh god, what else happened that night that we dont know about", and the speed with which she got up to hug me probably didnt help.
Eventually, after going to bed for a little while, the pain eased off and she felt just about ok. The three of us had a group hug while I stood there mumbling, still worried that they werent being honest and that they'd much rather chuck me out or something. No idea why. Dad was brilliant. He told me that it doesnt matter to them 'what' I am as it were, only 'who', and they love who I am. Mum would have been brilliant, but the headache kind of got in the way. She was still great though. She's the kind of mother who doesnt shut up, and while I love her for it, it does get annoying :P Even when she was lying down in agony and we were telling her just to keep quiet to help the head, she was saying that obviously she'll have questions. I told her I could certainly guess a few she might have.
So, we then quickly had a talk about my brother. We all agreed that while he obviously needs to know, it might not be the best idea to tell him that day or indeed that week, as he was going to be stressed with all the moving and such like, so we've agreed that we'll leave it a week or so til he's settled into his (AMAZING!) new house and then tell him. Then soon after, my brother arrived and we all helped load the furniture we were giving him into the van. Mum and I then arranged to go out for a meal with best friend H and her mum in Wagmama's before I went round to H's to stay the night. We had a lovely evening, and on the way to Waga's I stopped mum, gave her a big hug and told her thank you and that I love her. She told me she loved me too :)
As I say, I then stayed round H's house that night. Partly because I havent seen her in ages, partly to give me a bit of fun after the emotional day but mostly to give mum and dad some time to talk. While I was at H's I discovered that I suck at Guitar Hero and Marcus was nominated. Then we stayed up til the early hours just chatting, and the subject inevitably turned to the guys. Now I wont bore you with the conversation as thats not what this post is about, but I did end up crying a bit and she hugged my legs (we were top-to-tailing) :) In some ways its easy talking to her but in other ways its harder, as I know I'm always putting her in a difficult position when I talk about the guys. She's still friends with them and enjoys doing things with them, even though she doesnt like how they've treated me, so its tricky.
Anyway, eventually she fell asleep, and a good few hours later I did too. Not before she frightened me with her sleep talking again, helpful lass.

Saturday and onwards.
H's dad dropped me home on the way to giving H a lift to work, and only mum was home. Dad was helping my brother with the first big van load of stuff from his old house, which turned into a bit of a disaster thanks to the van breaking down. Mum's headache was still lingering and she was a bit worried so asked if I'd come to A&E with her. I told her of course I would dont be silly, and off we went. The doctor thought it could have been a small haemorrhage or something called Temporal Arterius [sic] but the blood tests didnt confirm that, so at the minute we're none the wiser. Just having to see how she goes from now on. After that we went round to my brothers new house where they were unloading the second van load, and got the grand tour. Now this time last year my brother was living in quite a nice house when the landlord said he needed them to get out in a month. In that month only one place was available to my brother at such short notice, so him and his friend had no choice but to move in there. It was an absolute DIVE. The last tenants hadn't taken care of it at all, and the landlord was shit. They had no hot water, no working washing machine, windows that wouldnt open, and so on. We were all amazed that he managed to last the 12 months to be quite honest. But this new place is BEAUTIFUL, seriously. I'm jealous. It's exactly the type of place I want to get in about 12 months time (actually, one of his 2 housemates might be gone then so I might get to live there, but I'm getting ahead of myself :P) and he really deserves it. He's so chuffed. That night mum, dad and I took him out to Double Locks for dinner and drinks to 'celebrate' as we didnt know when we'd get a chance to over the next few days, and it was really nice to spend some time with him. We helped him some more on Sunday afternoon, giving the kitchen and bathroom tiles a once over, that sort of thing. They've yet to have new worktops and curtain rails put in but they knew that when they got the place and the landlordn assures them it'll be done soon. It's just been redecorated so its got that lovely new paint smell and is sparkling, with new carpets and everything. Its not a brand new property, so of course theres bound to be a few things that need TLC, eg some of the windows are a bit stiff and a few of the tiles in the kitchen nearly fell off in my hand when I was cleaning them (not my fault!) but thats the kind of thing the landlord is finishing up now. It's like the Tardis though! Some of the rooms are slightly bizarre shapes, such as the utility room next to the living room, which hides a toilet under the stairs which is a very roomy room! Also there's lots of strange cubby holes, but the two of them that have already got their stuff in (my brother and friend) have got so much stuff that combined with the third boys stuff, who's coming down from Dorset soon, they'll have no problem finding something to fill them with!

Today wasn't bad either. My parents and I went to Dawlish to this lovely cafe that does a lovely HUGE fried breakfast :D and I failed yet again to win a sat nav on the arcade game. I WILL beat it one of these days I tell you! While we were eating mum mentioned that we hadnt really spoken about Friday, she knew she had questions and did my dad? He said he didnt have any he wanted to ask in public :P so we'd probably talk about it later if necessary. We visited my nan on the way home, and she seems a bit better but her ulcerated leg has got a lot worse again which is affecting her mobility rehab. Just having to see how things go with her too.
Over dinner dad simply said that regarding what mum said at brunch, yes they had questions, but it wasnt deathly urgent. He said that his main questions were a) how long have I felt this way (I have noticed neither of them have said 'known' yet, but thats okay) and b) have I ever had a relationship or anything. I told him that the short answers were a) a while and b) no not really. ( I wasnt going to turn round at that point and say, "Well, unless you count my semi stalker from work who said she was in love with me and that she was going to leave her boyfriend whose baby she may or may not be pregnant with for me, and would I raise the child with her if she was" :s thats a story for another day if anyone wants to hear it!) To which he said, and this is quite sweet really, that the only reason he asked is because if my brother or sister ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend he'd want them to feel able to talk about it and 'bring them home' etc, and he wants me to know its the same for me :) Mum said that she (obviously) has a few more questions. I explained to her that while of course they're having to get used to knowing, I'm also going to have to get used to them knowing too. I told her that all the late night chats we've had over the past 12months have been gradual, and this would be the same. I've gone for so long without them knowing, it is going to be really odd now.
Mum has said a couple of funny things about this, my personal favourites being; "The way you told us was quite funny, now I think about it, 'I dont like men'...theres some men I dont like but I guess its a bit different isnt it?" and the utterly randomly said while we were putting my brothers DVD's on his shelves, "I'm suprised you didnt tell us while we were watching Skins to be honest..." Cos thats how down with the kids my mum is, she watches Skins with me :) Not anymore thats for sure! :P

And now I'm in bed.
The last few days have been, as seems to be par for the course with me, strange. Over the next few weeks, I have to go and give another statement to the police confirming my sexuality, and another one saying how everything has been since. As well as that, I have driving lessons, as my driving test is now in...FUCK! Just 18 days!?!?! Which does tell you when it is, meaning I go back on what I said last post...ah well, just dont talk to me about it :P

And then the trial.

So, another fun filled month to come, no doubt. But hey, things can only get better, right?

Hx

Woot woot!

Ok so as you may know if you've been following me on twitter, and as my blog readers will know it was happening today, today was indeed the day!
And I did it! I came out to my mum and dad :)
I was shaking like a leaf but I did it. Mum has just said that they way I was building up to it she was expecting something worse! But there you go :)
I'll blog the details later on as I'm off out now to Wagamama's with my mum, my best friend and her mum. Dad is helping my brother move the bigger bits of furniture into his new house eg beds etc, and then they're going to go for a pint. Decided to leave telling him for the minute, though of course he'll need to know before the trial too.
So yes, they didn't chuck me out and though there were tears, it wasnt because they were calling me names or anything :) which is always good.
I know certain people (not naming names Josi :P) want details of what happened, and you'll get them, if not tonight as I'm staying at my best friends house to give me a night off and mum and dad time to talk, then tomorrow.

But what I absolutely MUST do now, is to say a big thank you to everyone for their support. I wont name names at this point, but expect the next post to include a few personal thanks/tribute-y things. I honestly dont know where I'd be if it wasnt for you lot, so thank you, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU.

:)
Hx

Getting to me.

All this stress is kind of getting to me now. Been pushing everything to the back of my mind every day, but sitting just listening to music I've got nothing really to distract my attention.
Stressed about my driving.
Stressed about the court case.
Stressed about the verdict and what I'm scared it'll be, judging by statistics.
Stressed about coming out to my parents.
Stressed about my weight.
Stressed about my friends.
FREAKING OUT basically.
And it's making me worry that I might not be able to stop myself from reverting to old habits of stress relief.

Plea.

I just had a phone call telling me what I expected to hear. He's pleading not guilty. The trial has been set for the 23rd September. To be honest, I'm not upset as it's what I fully expected. More than anything I'm annoyed that my driving test had to be booked for the same day. And it's fully sinking in now that that's when I have to have come out to my parents. At least when there was no fixed date I could put it off a bit longer and not really have to think about it, but now I do. I really do. But I can't really think about that now. I've been in a good mood for the past few days and I don't want to ruin it. So tonight I'm going to sit and eat pizza and chocolate and Ben & Jerry's Caramel Chew Chew ice cream and snickers and watch BB10 to see which one of the two people that I can't decide who I hate more gets evicted :) and you lot are gonna keep me company, right?

Clash.

Where to start? I have GOT to update this thing more often!

The rabbits are now genderless. That's one way to kick this thing off! First they were both boys, then they were both girls so we booked them in to be spayed. One more sexing before the op, just to check; bloody good job they did because it turns out Yoshi IS a boy. Spud is still definately a little girl apparently. Well, was. Now neither of them have any bits. Having to keep an eye on the wounds and stitches, especially in Spud's case as her op was much more invasive than Yoshi's. Both of them took a bit of time to get back to normal, again Spud more so than Yoshi, but they're both back to their cheeky mischievous selves by now! Possibly the remainder of their hormones as it were, are still kicking around as they're still a little aggressive at the minute, but that should calm down.

I PASSED MY THEORY TEST!
Thinking about it I should have led with that really...hmmm. But yes, I passed. 49/50 on the multiple choice and 62/75 on the hazard perception test, which is a good score I think! That was about the first thing we had to celebrate in a while, so we bought a cake :) with the Stig on it :) seemed appropriate!
My practical driving test has been booked and my instructor told me the date today...the same date as the provisional date for the trial. Great. Another dose of bad luck.

Had my first appointment at CAMHS on Tuesday, after ringing to book an appointment, being told that the earliest they could offer me an appointment was September, and telling them in no uncertain terms that while I appreciate they have waiting lists, I need 'help' soon now. So she pulled some strings and got me an appointment with the case-screening guy which I was pleased about until I actually HAD the appointment. To start with he was nice enough and seemed to listen, but by the end of it I just felt like I really hadn't been listened to properly. All I'd got out of it was him saying he would book an appointment with someone I've already had an appointment with (but it wont be the same obviously, because she works in two departments and this time I see her, it'll be in a different capacity. Sure.) for as soon as possible, which is still likely to be months away. As I say, by the time I left I felt worse than when I'd gone in. I went to CAMHS because I have been worried about my mental health for years now, and over the last 8 months these concerns have got worse. No matter how much I stressed to him that while what had happened to me in January wasn't exactly the most savoury experience, the problems I am now worrying about are NOT because of it, as it were. As I've said to my parents and to him, in most respects I am actually over what happened. I've accepted it wasn't my fault and I'm moving on from it as much as I can ( at least until the trial ), so my mental health problems which are why I was even AT CAMHS and have been worrying about for YEARS are what I need help with. But according to him it sounds like I'm just suffering from 'post-traumatic stress and anxiety'. Yes. Obviously. So apparently a trauma happened years ago that I can't remember that has resulted in me feeling like I'm going crazy. Fuck off.

That debacle and the whole driving-test-on-the-same-day-as-the-provisional-trial-date has only left me with a sense of despair to be honest. Despair at the system, the fucked up system. The legal system where it takes 8 months to even get a provisional trial date, 8 months to get a possible date to try and prosecute this bastard. 8 months of waiting, of not being told what's going on, of not knowing. Despair. Despair at a system where someone who has concerns over their mental health, and has done for years, someone your system is 'aware' of, who 'meets your criteria' for help, yet is pushed from pillar to post, person to person, department to department, never getting the help and need. Is it any wonder that people disappear, or worse, when the system fails them so utterly and repeatedly? I was prosecuted for a lesser crime and that took no time at all, yet I've got this suffocating shadow of a trial constantly over me, its at the back of my mind yes, as much as I can keep it there, but each time it creeps forwards I just cant take it. Yes, I am 'over' what happened in some sense. But that doesnt mean I'm particularly relishing the thought of standing in the same room as him, answering questions, hearing his lies and watching my friends no doubt get a grilling. But I have to wait, dont I. I have to suffer even more, never able to fully move on until after the trial, but never knowing for definate when it'll be.

But that's the system isn't it? The ones who need help, the ones who are the 'victims' if you like, are the ones who are failed. Time is on his side, in a way. He gets longer to decide how to try and make me look like a liar, drags it out. And in terms of CAMHS, well, what are they playing at. Another system that's failing people. I just dont know what to do about this whole situation.

All I know is that there is a Plea Case Management Hearing this Friday where the trial date SHOULD be fixed. If it isn't I think a very big part of me will be angry. If it is and its fixed for the same day as my driving test (which he picked for that day because it was a brilliant time of day as well) well, then I have yet more thinking to do. Do I take the test the same week, week before, week after, what? I just dont know! Everything is just so frustrating! Not to mention my sleeping is still up the shit.

I've kind of run out of things to say, which is a first. Oh no, wait I haven't, but it'll wait for another day. Or in about 5 minutes time, whichever I feel like more :)

Final warning; Chapter closed...

...but to be revisited at some point in the future.

Care to explain? Of course.
So this evening I went to my local police station to receive my final warning. All in all it went ok. The sargeant or whoever he was, was a very nice man who seemed fairly sympathetic to my situation, and the seemingly random woman in the corner (who turned out to be from the Youth Offending Team) was equally so. He admitted that initially, upon reading the case notes and statements from the bouncers etc, he was all ready to get me banned from al pubs and clubs in Exeter, but that after reading the background and talking to me, he realised that really wasn't necessary. Something to be thankful for. He did what I presume is the usual "what have you learnt from this?" things, and spoke about how important it is that I learn to balance my medication with alcohol etc. But in general he seemed to understand why what had happened had happened, and expressed his sympathies for the shit life's thrown at me recently.

Then he threw a little curve ball at me.


He first explained that a final warning is basically a "does what it says on the tin" jobby, in that if I get into any more trouble with the police, it'll be a caution and/or prosecution. Then he asked me what I wanted to do in my future life, career wise. I was a little confused but not overly worried, so told him that one of my passions has always been teaching, so that'd be something I'd want to persue in the future.

Upon my saying the word "teaching" he gave the YOT rep a little look. Ah. A problem.

Basically, long story short when it comes to a final warning, although it is not a criminal record and so when applying for normal jobs I wont have to tick "yes" to the criminal question, it is the kind of information still held on me. So when I apply for any job that calls for an extended CRB check, (eg teaching) then it will be available to the employer. I was advised by the YOT rep that in such a case, its much better to 'own up' as it were, tell them before they ask you why you were hiding it when they do a check, and then I'm more than likely to get a chance to explain the situation and how/why it happened. The fact that it happened when I was 17, following another trauma, was basically a case of self-defense that went a little too far and that it was classed as common assault (the lowest form of assault), meant that the sargeant was inclined to think that it would be surprising if an employer were not to act sympathetically about it. Talking to my dad too, he told me that people have got jobs as a teacher with much worse on their records, so I probably shouldn't be too worried. Although that may be the case, there is obviously a part of me that is upset by that revelation. It just feels like one more thing that could possibly affect my future, and that makes me a bit angry as well as sad.

But that aside, that chapter is closed. The 'to be revisited in the future' of this blog title obviously refers to the fact that the warning could crop up on an extended CRB check. But the chapter is closed.

Now for the rest of the fucking book...

Packed weekend complete with good news x2!

This weekend has been busy; family, musicals, football, more and more family, (cue cigarettes) and ice skating (done by professionals, not me; I like my bones INTACT) and some important phone calls. This blog post is not recount the events of the weekend in detail (that will be later) it is to pour out a bit of emotion. On Sunday I took a break from familial mingling and went for a cigarette, taking the time to call back the officer in charge of my case who'd been trying to get hold of me. Long conversation short, he told me that the bastard is being charged. (I wont say anything more). My legs buckled and I had to grab the nearest bollard to stand. After he explained various things and details of what this meant, I zoned out a little. After speaking to him, I rang my father who was inside and asked him and mum to come outside. A bit confused, they did, and I told them what had transpired. Cue group hug and general on-the-brink-of-tears-ness. I cant really explain what I felt then...just felt a sense of numb relief I think. And now today, I got my blood test results back...the same sense of relief descended on me. If I'm honest, I dont know where my head is at at the minute. I'm 16 (nearly 17 :D) and I feel about 40 or something. I've been through a lot in the last 6 years, with the last 6 months being, quite frankly, horrific to get through. Thats not me be self pitying or shit like that, its the truth. People keep telling me that its a testament to my character that I'm still here despite it all, but the truth of that is that although yes, I'm here in a literal sense, as in, I havent killed myself yet, I dont always feel completely like I'm really...here. I was prescribed anti-depressants last week...I'm 16. "Depression is an illness". You can keep telling me that all you like, but that doesnt mean I'll be ok with it. I know that being diagnosed with a problem means that I can finally start addressing it, but its hard. I know that in some ways I've got it easy, that I'm not dying or anything...though in some ways, I think a part of me already died. Part of me has been dying, slowly but surely, for the past 6 years, perhaps actually longer. But another part of me, died that night. It died the night I had something stolen from me, something I'll never get back. No possession, no money, nothing material. More than that. Something that no one had a right to take. But I cant feel angry. I dont know why. I just cant get angry yet. Maybe theres a part of me that feels I deserved it or something, I dont know. Its a greiving process I guess, and Im just not at the angry stage yet.

Oh shit. I totally didnt mean this blog post to be what its turned out to be. Sorry. I'm too tired to make enough sense right now, but I have a lot I need to say. I will say it, just not now. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not. We'll see.