Been out today in the ole' wagon :)
Did I mention I've passed my driving test?
It went pretty well so I'm pleased, although I cannot possibly imagine driving on my own just yet...the thought terrifies me if I'm honest! But I'm sure I'll steel myself and manage to at some point.
Decided to change the blog theme, no idea why really, just felt like a change.
In other news, still feeling a bit under the weather. Been feeling a bit rough for the last 3-4 weeks, and the other night I was up shivering like a vibrating thing (behave), coughing and spluttering and trying not to be sick, and I'm still getting over that now.
It's annoying that I'm a bit ill AGAIN, but what can you do?
The diet starts properly this week. I wont lie, some of you reading this and who know me on twitter might possibly have an image of you in your mind; it'll be wrong. I dont really like talking about my body because I'm not exactly proud of said body, but the next few months I'm going to be getting myself to the gym a bit more (something I HATE), eating more wisely, and the parents and I are going to resurrect our weekly badminton hour.
Why? Well, aside from the fact I need to because I dont like my body, I need to because I'm going to Australia in 6 months!
That's right, after 3 hours in a travel agent yesterday, we have indeed booked flights and stuff for our trip to Australia in July. My sister moved out to Oz about a year and a half ago to do her PHD so we're going out to visit her and see a bit of the country. I say a bit of the country, look at this map to get an idea of just how big Oz is; IMAGE Anyway, so we've booked our flights out there, some of the internal flights, our trip on the Ghan and flights home. We fly out to Sydney, then fly to Melbourne, then drive up to Adelaide, take the Ghan train to Alice Springs, then fly to Perth, and home via Singapore. My sister will probably join up with us in Adelaide, and when we're out in Perth her and I are going to rent a camper and go off for a few days.
I'm already dead excited, even though its so long away, but also nervous. We'll be away for 7 weeks, and none of us have ever been away for that long. I'm gonna miss my baby bunnies!!!! I'll come home and they'll have forgotten who I am!
We've by no means booked up everything; the only confirmed accomodation is in Alice Springs, and theres still some internal flights and car hire stuff to sort out, not to mention travel insurance, money to take with us etc etc, but I dont care; IM EXCTIED! :D
Not much else going on in this Finch's tree, sooner or later I'll get round to doing some more college work and playing on Assassin's Creed 2, when I can put down any of the gazillion books I'm reading.
Beep beep!
H.x
Showing posts with label rabbits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rabbits. Show all posts
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Half out.
So last night I came out to my auntie.
I woke up yesterday feeling a bit nervous, knowing that I'd be spending the day with my auntie and uncle which meant telling her soon. We had a lovely day, and I didn't think about telling her yet. I figured it'd be easier after a couple of drinks in the evening and I was going to find it harder to get her on her own while we were out and about in Camden. So I tried to forget about it for a while. Then we went out for a meal when grandad joined us, and then all went back to his for drinks and games. It was girls v boys for 'Who's in the bag?' and I'm pleased to say we thrashed them :) then we played some cards and I lost a fair few chips :( Now I'd been hoping that my auntie and uncle were going to stay a bit later, but at about midnight they called to see when a taxi would be available. Just my luck, somehow in London on a Saturday night they could get one to her in 5-10 minutes. I was almost all out of time. I went to the bathroom and tried to gear myself up for what I had to do. I went and stood by the door and tried to motion my auntie to come outside. A bit of confusion ensued when mum thought I wanted to talk to her so my plan of doing it subtly so mum wouldn't really know I was talking to her sister was dead. Eventually I did manage to get my auntie outside. She figured I just wanted a lighter but I told her that yes that was true but also I needed to talk to her. I babbled for a bit about how I was shitting myself about doing this and how I'd been nervous about it from when I woke up and how now she'd booked a taxi it was now or never. She told me 'just spit it out' :) so I said, "Its about what happened at new years" (my mum told her recently, so I know she knows) "the reason it was even harder is because, well, I...don't...like........men".
Basically I won't go into specifics because I'd had a few drinks so can't remember exactly which way round the conversation happened from then on in, but along the way I just said how scared I was about telling mum and dad but that I HAD to tell them because I was told that it WOULD come up in court. (On another note, if it turns out it doesn't come up in court, 'peeved' would not cover it.) Anyway, I won't say that anything she said has dissolved all worry in my mind, because she'd have to be a magician to do that, but it did help. I said that I wanted to tell her because she's the more liberal of the sisters and having been related to mum for longer than I have, obviously, she might be able to help me sound mum out, as it were. Now, I duly discovered that my auntie is beyond the level of cool than I suspected. Turns out she's had daliances with the fairer sex herself, though I'm not to tell mum that lol, and that she'd be more bothered about having a Conservative in the family :)
At one point I said I didn't want her to hate me, and she just told me not to be stupid, so I guess that's that question answered. We also spoke about my sister, and it turns out I'm not the only one who has suspicions about my sisters sexuality. But that's for another day.
Then my uncle called out and said the taxi had arrived, so we had to cut it short. We had a big hug and she told me to text her or call her in the week. Mum looked a bit confused as we all said goodbye, but I just told her I was just having a chat. Then I had another drink and the four of us that were left gambled a bit more.
I was also a bit nervous of seeing my auntie in the morning when they came round to pick up their car, but I needn't have been. They weren't there for long, staying long enough to wish us a safe journey home. We all said goodbye and my auntie gave me another hug and said in my ear, just loud enough for me to hear, though mum looked confused again, to call her in the week. I think I will.
So now I'm sat in anoven car on the motorway, melting, going home. Back to the bunnies :)
I may nap. I may not. I will definately sneeze....ouch, just did. That one bloody hurt!
Next up: all out - the parents!!'n
FUCK.
I woke up yesterday feeling a bit nervous, knowing that I'd be spending the day with my auntie and uncle which meant telling her soon. We had a lovely day, and I didn't think about telling her yet. I figured it'd be easier after a couple of drinks in the evening and I was going to find it harder to get her on her own while we were out and about in Camden. So I tried to forget about it for a while. Then we went out for a meal when grandad joined us, and then all went back to his for drinks and games. It was girls v boys for 'Who's in the bag?' and I'm pleased to say we thrashed them :) then we played some cards and I lost a fair few chips :( Now I'd been hoping that my auntie and uncle were going to stay a bit later, but at about midnight they called to see when a taxi would be available. Just my luck, somehow in London on a Saturday night they could get one to her in 5-10 minutes. I was almost all out of time. I went to the bathroom and tried to gear myself up for what I had to do. I went and stood by the door and tried to motion my auntie to come outside. A bit of confusion ensued when mum thought I wanted to talk to her so my plan of doing it subtly so mum wouldn't really know I was talking to her sister was dead. Eventually I did manage to get my auntie outside. She figured I just wanted a lighter but I told her that yes that was true but also I needed to talk to her. I babbled for a bit about how I was shitting myself about doing this and how I'd been nervous about it from when I woke up and how now she'd booked a taxi it was now or never. She told me 'just spit it out' :) so I said, "Its about what happened at new years" (my mum told her recently, so I know she knows) "the reason it was even harder is because, well, I...don't...like........men".
Basically I won't go into specifics because I'd had a few drinks so can't remember exactly which way round the conversation happened from then on in, but along the way I just said how scared I was about telling mum and dad but that I HAD to tell them because I was told that it WOULD come up in court. (On another note, if it turns out it doesn't come up in court, 'peeved' would not cover it.) Anyway, I won't say that anything she said has dissolved all worry in my mind, because she'd have to be a magician to do that, but it did help. I said that I wanted to tell her because she's the more liberal of the sisters and having been related to mum for longer than I have, obviously, she might be able to help me sound mum out, as it were. Now, I duly discovered that my auntie is beyond the level of cool than I suspected. Turns out she's had daliances with the fairer sex herself, though I'm not to tell mum that lol, and that she'd be more bothered about having a Conservative in the family :)
At one point I said I didn't want her to hate me, and she just told me not to be stupid, so I guess that's that question answered. We also spoke about my sister, and it turns out I'm not the only one who has suspicions about my sisters sexuality. But that's for another day.
Then my uncle called out and said the taxi had arrived, so we had to cut it short. We had a big hug and she told me to text her or call her in the week. Mum looked a bit confused as we all said goodbye, but I just told her I was just having a chat. Then I had another drink and the four of us that were left gambled a bit more.
I was also a bit nervous of seeing my auntie in the morning when they came round to pick up their car, but I needn't have been. They weren't there for long, staying long enough to wish us a safe journey home. We all said goodbye and my auntie gave me another hug and said in my ear, just loud enough for me to hear, though mum looked confused again, to call her in the week. I think I will.
So now I'm sat in an
I may nap. I may not. I will definately sneeze....ouch, just did. That one bloody hurt!
Next up: all out - the parents!!'n
FUCK.
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Clash.
Where to start? I have GOT to update this thing more often!
The rabbits are now genderless. That's one way to kick this thing off! First they were both boys, then they were both girls so we booked them in to be spayed. One more sexing before the op, just to check; bloody good job they did because it turns out Yoshi IS a boy. Spud is still definately a little girl apparently. Well, was. Now neither of them have any bits. Having to keep an eye on the wounds and stitches, especially in Spud's case as her op was much more invasive than Yoshi's. Both of them took a bit of time to get back to normal, again Spud more so than Yoshi, but they're both back to their cheeky mischievous selves by now! Possibly the remainder of their hormones as it were, are still kicking around as they're still a little aggressive at the minute, but that should calm down.
I PASSED MY THEORY TEST!
Thinking about it I should have led with that really...hmmm. But yes, I passed. 49/50 on the multiple choice and 62/75 on the hazard perception test, which is a good score I think! That was about the first thing we had to celebrate in a while, so we bought a cake :) with the Stig on it :) seemed appropriate!
My practical driving test has been booked and my instructor told me the date today...the same date as the provisional date for the trial. Great. Another dose of bad luck.
Had my first appointment at CAMHS on Tuesday, after ringing to book an appointment, being told that the earliest they could offer me an appointment was September, and telling them in no uncertain terms that while I appreciate they have waiting lists, I need 'help' soon now. So she pulled some strings and got me an appointment with the case-screening guy which I was pleased about until I actually HAD the appointment. To start with he was nice enough and seemed to listen, but by the end of it I just felt like I really hadn't been listened to properly. All I'd got out of it was him saying he would book an appointment with someone I've already had an appointment with (but it wont be the same obviously, because she works in two departments and this time I see her, it'll be in a different capacity. Sure.) for as soon as possible, which is still likely to be months away. As I say, by the time I left I felt worse than when I'd gone in. I went to CAMHS because I have been worried about my mental health for years now, and over the last 8 months these concerns have got worse. No matter how much I stressed to him that while what had happened to me in January wasn't exactly the most savoury experience, the problems I am now worrying about are NOT because of it, as it were. As I've said to my parents and to him, in most respects I am actually over what happened. I've accepted it wasn't my fault and I'm moving on from it as much as I can ( at least until the trial ), so my mental health problems which are why I was even AT CAMHS and have been worrying about for YEARS are what I need help with. But according to him it sounds like I'm just suffering from 'post-traumatic stress and anxiety'. Yes. Obviously. So apparently a trauma happened years ago that I can't remember that has resulted in me feeling like I'm going crazy. Fuck off.
That debacle and the whole driving-test-on-the-same-day-as-the-provisional-trial-date has only left me with a sense of despair to be honest. Despair at the system, the fucked up system. The legal system where it takes 8 months to even get a provisional trial date, 8 months to get a possible date to try and prosecute this bastard. 8 months of waiting, of not being told what's going on, of not knowing. Despair. Despair at a system where someone who has concerns over their mental health, and has done for years, someone your system is 'aware' of, who 'meets your criteria' for help, yet is pushed from pillar to post, person to person, department to department, never getting the help and need. Is it any wonder that people disappear, or worse, when the system fails them so utterly and repeatedly? I was prosecuted for a lesser crime and that took no time at all, yet I've got this suffocating shadow of a trial constantly over me, its at the back of my mind yes, as much as I can keep it there, but each time it creeps forwards I just cant take it. Yes, I am 'over' what happened in some sense. But that doesnt mean I'm particularly relishing the thought of standing in the same room as him, answering questions, hearing his lies and watching my friends no doubt get a grilling. But I have to wait, dont I. I have to suffer even more, never able to fully move on until after the trial, but never knowing for definate when it'll be.
But that's the system isn't it? The ones who need help, the ones who are the 'victims' if you like, are the ones who are failed. Time is on his side, in a way. He gets longer to decide how to try and make me look like a liar, drags it out. And in terms of CAMHS, well, what are they playing at. Another system that's failing people. I just dont know what to do about this whole situation.
All I know is that there is a Plea Case Management Hearing this Friday where the trial date SHOULD be fixed. If it isn't I think a very big part of me will be angry. If it is and its fixed for the same day as my driving test (which he picked for that day because it was a brilliant time of day as well) well, then I have yet more thinking to do. Do I take the test the same week, week before, week after, what? I just dont know! Everything is just so frustrating! Not to mention my sleeping is still up the shit.
I've kind of run out of things to say, which is a first. Oh no, wait I haven't, but it'll wait for another day. Or in about 5 minutes time, whichever I feel like more :)
The rabbits are now genderless. That's one way to kick this thing off! First they were both boys, then they were both girls so we booked them in to be spayed. One more sexing before the op, just to check; bloody good job they did because it turns out Yoshi IS a boy. Spud is still definately a little girl apparently. Well, was. Now neither of them have any bits. Having to keep an eye on the wounds and stitches, especially in Spud's case as her op was much more invasive than Yoshi's. Both of them took a bit of time to get back to normal, again Spud more so than Yoshi, but they're both back to their cheeky mischievous selves by now! Possibly the remainder of their hormones as it were, are still kicking around as they're still a little aggressive at the minute, but that should calm down.
I PASSED MY THEORY TEST!
Thinking about it I should have led with that really...hmmm. But yes, I passed. 49/50 on the multiple choice and 62/75 on the hazard perception test, which is a good score I think! That was about the first thing we had to celebrate in a while, so we bought a cake :) with the Stig on it :) seemed appropriate!
My practical driving test has been booked and my instructor told me the date today...the same date as the provisional date for the trial. Great. Another dose of bad luck.
Had my first appointment at CAMHS on Tuesday, after ringing to book an appointment, being told that the earliest they could offer me an appointment was September, and telling them in no uncertain terms that while I appreciate they have waiting lists, I need 'help' soon now. So she pulled some strings and got me an appointment with the case-screening guy which I was pleased about until I actually HAD the appointment. To start with he was nice enough and seemed to listen, but by the end of it I just felt like I really hadn't been listened to properly. All I'd got out of it was him saying he would book an appointment with someone I've already had an appointment with (but it wont be the same obviously, because she works in two departments and this time I see her, it'll be in a different capacity. Sure.) for as soon as possible, which is still likely to be months away. As I say, by the time I left I felt worse than when I'd gone in. I went to CAMHS because I have been worried about my mental health for years now, and over the last 8 months these concerns have got worse. No matter how much I stressed to him that while what had happened to me in January wasn't exactly the most savoury experience, the problems I am now worrying about are NOT because of it, as it were. As I've said to my parents and to him, in most respects I am actually over what happened. I've accepted it wasn't my fault and I'm moving on from it as much as I can ( at least until the trial ), so my mental health problems which are why I was even AT CAMHS and have been worrying about for YEARS are what I need help with. But according to him it sounds like I'm just suffering from 'post-traumatic stress and anxiety'. Yes. Obviously. So apparently a trauma happened years ago that I can't remember that has resulted in me feeling like I'm going crazy. Fuck off.
That debacle and the whole driving-test-on-the-same-day-as-the-provisional-trial-date has only left me with a sense of despair to be honest. Despair at the system, the fucked up system. The legal system where it takes 8 months to even get a provisional trial date, 8 months to get a possible date to try and prosecute this bastard. 8 months of waiting, of not being told what's going on, of not knowing. Despair. Despair at a system where someone who has concerns over their mental health, and has done for years, someone your system is 'aware' of, who 'meets your criteria' for help, yet is pushed from pillar to post, person to person, department to department, never getting the help and need. Is it any wonder that people disappear, or worse, when the system fails them so utterly and repeatedly? I was prosecuted for a lesser crime and that took no time at all, yet I've got this suffocating shadow of a trial constantly over me, its at the back of my mind yes, as much as I can keep it there, but each time it creeps forwards I just cant take it. Yes, I am 'over' what happened in some sense. But that doesnt mean I'm particularly relishing the thought of standing in the same room as him, answering questions, hearing his lies and watching my friends no doubt get a grilling. But I have to wait, dont I. I have to suffer even more, never able to fully move on until after the trial, but never knowing for definate when it'll be.
But that's the system isn't it? The ones who need help, the ones who are the 'victims' if you like, are the ones who are failed. Time is on his side, in a way. He gets longer to decide how to try and make me look like a liar, drags it out. And in terms of CAMHS, well, what are they playing at. Another system that's failing people. I just dont know what to do about this whole situation.
All I know is that there is a Plea Case Management Hearing this Friday where the trial date SHOULD be fixed. If it isn't I think a very big part of me will be angry. If it is and its fixed for the same day as my driving test (which he picked for that day because it was a brilliant time of day as well) well, then I have yet more thinking to do. Do I take the test the same week, week before, week after, what? I just dont know! Everything is just so frustrating! Not to mention my sleeping is still up the shit.
I've kind of run out of things to say, which is a first. Oh no, wait I haven't, but it'll wait for another day. Or in about 5 minutes time, whichever I feel like more :)
Friday, 26 June 2009
Moving.
Just a relatively sparse post today.
Things seem to be moving along nicely in my world, touch wood. Had my first go in a car on fathers day, I did stall first time :( but second time managed a lap of the car park :D then I broke the car. Well, I didnt, but the problem decided to ruin my driving as I thought I stalled and then the car wouldnt start again. Poor car is still in the garage and having to be transferred to a diesel specialist as our garage is stumped. Poor car.
My provisional licence arrived this week and Im booking a taster lesson asap. By taster I mean I want to find out whether I want to learn intensively or non intensively - I know I want to drive. Quite excited about that! Got a visit from two friendly police officers earlier on today telling me that I need to go to my local police station at 6.30 on Tuesday, which means that chapter will finally be over. A final warning is one step below a caution so thats a piece of marginally good news too.
Bunnies doing well, took them to the vets the other day for a health check and their myxomatosis vaccination and it turns out they may in fact be sisters not brothers! Will keep you posted. They're both developing their personalities and tastes for their favourite plants in the garden that they're not supposed to eat! Little scamps...but they're so cute I cant get mad at them :)
Other than that, just got a few things I want to get done. Here's a rough idea;
Things seem to be moving along nicely in my world, touch wood. Had my first go in a car on fathers day, I did stall first time :( but second time managed a lap of the car park :D then I broke the car. Well, I didnt, but the problem decided to ruin my driving as I thought I stalled and then the car wouldnt start again. Poor car is still in the garage and having to be transferred to a diesel specialist as our garage is stumped. Poor car.
My provisional licence arrived this week and Im booking a taster lesson asap. By taster I mean I want to find out whether I want to learn intensively or non intensively - I know I want to drive. Quite excited about that! Got a visit from two friendly police officers earlier on today telling me that I need to go to my local police station at 6.30 on Tuesday, which means that chapter will finally be over. A final warning is one step below a caution so thats a piece of marginally good news too.
Bunnies doing well, took them to the vets the other day for a health check and their myxomatosis vaccination and it turns out they may in fact be sisters not brothers! Will keep you posted. They're both developing their personalities and tastes for their favourite plants in the garden that they're not supposed to eat! Little scamps...but they're so cute I cant get mad at them :)
Other than that, just got a few things I want to get done. Here's a rough idea;
- get my verse moleskine up to date with stuff I have managed to write
- start on the cahier
- read the huge stack of magazines waiting to be finished/started
- clean up my macs hard drive
- get reading The Unbearable Lightness Of Being and do the college assignment
- sort out my desk drawers and assorted crrraaaaap.
- get writing some more verse! really want to :)
- get new pens :)
So there you have it, my little update for today. Cant really be bothered to go into more detail over everything cos I'm tired lol and, if I'm honest, cant be bothered in the slightest at the moment :)
Oh and by the way, IM MELTING!
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Looking up?
First of all I would like to start with a thanks to all of you on here and/or twitter who have been so supportive over the recent months, and especially over the last few days: you're brilliant.
Now to business. As some of you will know I was due in court today in relation to allegations of assualt, as explained in a previous post. My solicitor had expected a caution but instead the police pressed charges. After Monday's devastation of losing Rocky, and staying up into the small hours crying with my mum and waking my dad up with my sobs as it all got a bit too much for me, losing him, I woke up tired and with a headache. We went to the court and I was so utterly nervous.
However, good news was to be had.
After we had booked in and waited for a while, the solicitor who would be representing me called the four of us (my brother came too for support, the star) into a room to talk. He told us that he had written to the prosecution basically saying "come on, we both know this is ridiculous to persue a trial, with no previous convictions and her current personal situation, surely a final warning/caution would be more than enough?". Mum and dad said they had known this but didn't tell me as they didn't want to get my hopes up. He then told me that the prosecution agreed and was happy to let it go back to the police for them to give me a caution (as long as they dont decide to be nasty and still push for trial), meaning no trial, no criminal record, and that this would be over.
I cannot explain the feeling of relief that washed over me...all the tension in my body seemed to disappear and I could have cried (had I not used all my tears up last night over Rocky). I looked up and saw my dad holding back tears ( not very well I might add ) and my mothers relief was plain.
I did still have to go into the court room, but my solicitor explained all I'd have to do would be confirm my name etc and he'd do the rest. Even though I knew the pressure was off, going into that court room was still terrifying. Standing there in front of those people, I was just trembling. My solicior stood after I'd confirmed that, yes I am the person you think I am, and asked for an adjournment. The prosecutor also stood and said he agreed that was the fairest and best plan of action and recommended 3weeks adjournment.
What this means now is that as long as the police agree and don't decide they really really want it to go to trial, I'll be summoned to the police station at some point and be issued a formal warning, or caution. It means I don't have to face going through another trial, and that one shit thing in my life will have gone away. If the police don't give me the caution in time (the 3 week adjournemt period) I'll have to go back to the court and they'll probably just adjourn it again til the police have got round to doing it.
Quite frankly, this is the best result we could have hoped for. Just 24 hours ago I was sitting here sobbing uncontrollably about the loss of my little furry friend (about which I still get teary if I think about him for too long) and worrying about facing court the next day, battling through the trial proceedings, and feeling guilty and worried about whether I'd be able to care for Yoshi enough when I'm still hurting this much for Rocky.
Now, this has all changed.
The other court case (the one where I am the legal 'victim') will be proceeding painfully slowly over the next few months, which is evidently something I will have to face in the future, but I'm feeling stronger.
Regarding Yoshi, things are looking up there too. After last nights breakdown of grief, my dad said that if I wanted we could go back to the pet shop we got Yoshi from and buy one of his brothers. (Personally I think thats partially because dad liked the black ones of the litter and seeing as it was his birthday he wanted one lol) My dad is so lovely to me and he really does want to do anything he can to help me and make me happy.
Admittedly I was a little dubious about it, as I was worried I wouldn't be able to bond with one let alone two little baby rabbits who need me, but after a nice lunch we went by the pet store, and I fell in love with Spud. We thought it was definately wiser to get one of the black ones seeing as the other ones are practically identical to Yoshi, we'd never be able to tell the difference! And Spud fits the bill :)
We brought him home and I could already tell he is completely different to Yoshi - whereas Yoshi was jumping around in the carry box all the way home, Spud just sat there, heart going a mile a minute bless him, but still nonetheless. When we got home I got him out of the box and had a cuddle to calm him down, then took him into the conservatory and put him down to run around. We figured it was wiser to re-introduce them in a space bigger than the hutch (which unfortunately is too small for the two of them at the moment, as it was only meant for one little 'un) as even though the man at the pet shop said that somehow they'd recognize each other and get along fine, we wanted to be able to break them up if needed. Mum got a towel to throw over one or both of them if they got a bit fighty, and I went and got Yoshi. To start with they barely even noticed each other, but then Yoshi hopped over to Spud and started nudging him. We nervously watched them but they just started nuzzling and nipping each other in a friendly way, looking ridiculously adorable.
Watching them both explore the conservatory, which was 100% new for Spud but Yoshi didn't seem to find it any less interesting, I started to realize I could easily love them. Although neither of them will take Rocky's place, in a sense they can. They'll both have completely different personalities to Rocky, as well as (as I can already see) different to each other. (Spud seems much calmer and docile, whereas I can tell Yoshi's gonna be a right trouble maker). But you know what? Thats ok, and I'm excited to get to know these little guys. At the end of the day, they need me, and I need them too.
So all in all, touch wood, things seem to be looking up. The way I'm seeing today's good news as, is that it was Rocky's parting shot. On the way up the great hutch in the sky, he had a word with someone. Something like, "Oy, lay off her. Give her a break, she loved me." or something. I've got to see it like that really. Makes things better somehow.
The next step is to bond with these little fellas, and get them bigger hutch. (And to somehow get Yoshi to stop eating Spud's food when he's got his own, and to let Spud drink! Cheeky sod.)
I want things to get better. I want to feel better, be better. I need to be fixed. I've been so broken for so long, and I'm realising now that I need to help fix myself. I have to fight, no matter how hard it is, because I know I'm worth fighting for. I deserve to live, though some days I have my doubts. You guys are part of my support network, of my healing, my therapy...thank you.
Now here's a picture of the little guys :) Unfortunately, neither of them wanted to stay still at the same time for a photo, so Yoshi' (the white one on the right) is a bit blurred. The black one is Spud :) But as with Rocky, you can expect lots more photos in future :) You'll get to know these babies with me I'm sure.
Now to business. As some of you will know I was due in court today in relation to allegations of assualt, as explained in a previous post. My solicitor had expected a caution but instead the police pressed charges. After Monday's devastation of losing Rocky, and staying up into the small hours crying with my mum and waking my dad up with my sobs as it all got a bit too much for me, losing him, I woke up tired and with a headache. We went to the court and I was so utterly nervous.
However, good news was to be had.
After we had booked in and waited for a while, the solicitor who would be representing me called the four of us (my brother came too for support, the star) into a room to talk. He told us that he had written to the prosecution basically saying "come on, we both know this is ridiculous to persue a trial, with no previous convictions and her current personal situation, surely a final warning/caution would be more than enough?". Mum and dad said they had known this but didn't tell me as they didn't want to get my hopes up. He then told me that the prosecution agreed and was happy to let it go back to the police for them to give me a caution (as long as they dont decide to be nasty and still push for trial), meaning no trial, no criminal record, and that this would be over.
I cannot explain the feeling of relief that washed over me...all the tension in my body seemed to disappear and I could have cried (had I not used all my tears up last night over Rocky). I looked up and saw my dad holding back tears ( not very well I might add ) and my mothers relief was plain.
I did still have to go into the court room, but my solicitor explained all I'd have to do would be confirm my name etc and he'd do the rest. Even though I knew the pressure was off, going into that court room was still terrifying. Standing there in front of those people, I was just trembling. My solicior stood after I'd confirmed that, yes I am the person you think I am, and asked for an adjournment. The prosecutor also stood and said he agreed that was the fairest and best plan of action and recommended 3weeks adjournment.
What this means now is that as long as the police agree and don't decide they really really want it to go to trial, I'll be summoned to the police station at some point and be issued a formal warning, or caution. It means I don't have to face going through another trial, and that one shit thing in my life will have gone away. If the police don't give me the caution in time (the 3 week adjournemt period) I'll have to go back to the court and they'll probably just adjourn it again til the police have got round to doing it.
Quite frankly, this is the best result we could have hoped for. Just 24 hours ago I was sitting here sobbing uncontrollably about the loss of my little furry friend (about which I still get teary if I think about him for too long) and worrying about facing court the next day, battling through the trial proceedings, and feeling guilty and worried about whether I'd be able to care for Yoshi enough when I'm still hurting this much for Rocky.
Now, this has all changed.
The other court case (the one where I am the legal 'victim') will be proceeding painfully slowly over the next few months, which is evidently something I will have to face in the future, but I'm feeling stronger.
Regarding Yoshi, things are looking up there too. After last nights breakdown of grief, my dad said that if I wanted we could go back to the pet shop we got Yoshi from and buy one of his brothers. (Personally I think thats partially because dad liked the black ones of the litter and seeing as it was his birthday he wanted one lol) My dad is so lovely to me and he really does want to do anything he can to help me and make me happy.
Admittedly I was a little dubious about it, as I was worried I wouldn't be able to bond with one let alone two little baby rabbits who need me, but after a nice lunch we went by the pet store, and I fell in love with Spud. We thought it was definately wiser to get one of the black ones seeing as the other ones are practically identical to Yoshi, we'd never be able to tell the difference! And Spud fits the bill :)
We brought him home and I could already tell he is completely different to Yoshi - whereas Yoshi was jumping around in the carry box all the way home, Spud just sat there, heart going a mile a minute bless him, but still nonetheless. When we got home I got him out of the box and had a cuddle to calm him down, then took him into the conservatory and put him down to run around. We figured it was wiser to re-introduce them in a space bigger than the hutch (which unfortunately is too small for the two of them at the moment, as it was only meant for one little 'un) as even though the man at the pet shop said that somehow they'd recognize each other and get along fine, we wanted to be able to break them up if needed. Mum got a towel to throw over one or both of them if they got a bit fighty, and I went and got Yoshi. To start with they barely even noticed each other, but then Yoshi hopped over to Spud and started nudging him. We nervously watched them but they just started nuzzling and nipping each other in a friendly way, looking ridiculously adorable.
Watching them both explore the conservatory, which was 100% new for Spud but Yoshi didn't seem to find it any less interesting, I started to realize I could easily love them. Although neither of them will take Rocky's place, in a sense they can. They'll both have completely different personalities to Rocky, as well as (as I can already see) different to each other. (Spud seems much calmer and docile, whereas I can tell Yoshi's gonna be a right trouble maker). But you know what? Thats ok, and I'm excited to get to know these little guys. At the end of the day, they need me, and I need them too.
So all in all, touch wood, things seem to be looking up. The way I'm seeing today's good news as, is that it was Rocky's parting shot. On the way up the great hutch in the sky, he had a word with someone. Something like, "Oy, lay off her. Give her a break, she loved me." or something. I've got to see it like that really. Makes things better somehow.
The next step is to bond with these little fellas, and get them bigger hutch. (And to somehow get Yoshi to stop eating Spud's food when he's got his own, and to let Spud drink! Cheeky sod.)
I want things to get better. I want to feel better, be better. I need to be fixed. I've been so broken for so long, and I'm realising now that I need to help fix myself. I have to fight, no matter how hard it is, because I know I'm worth fighting for. I deserve to live, though some days I have my doubts. You guys are part of my support network, of my healing, my therapy...thank you.
Now here's a picture of the little guys :) Unfortunately, neither of them wanted to stay still at the same time for a photo, so Yoshi' (the white one on the right) is a bit blurred. The black one is Spud :) But as with Rocky, you can expect lots more photos in future :) You'll get to know these babies with me I'm sure.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Miss you baby.
This will be a long one.
Love you and miss you little man.
Today was supposed to be a good day.
Mum and dad had said I could buy a new bunny and I was very excited. When I got up however, I went to say good morning to Rocky and the seed of worry was planted. When my first rabbit, Trio, got ill, the first major sign (other than a general slight change of disposition and mood) was when I went to stroke him and he was just sat still and wobbled when I touched him. And when I went to say hello to Rocky, he was similarly odd. I picked him up a little and saw his back half was caked in poo and wee. Immediately I was a little worried but was also excited to get out and pick up Yoshi.
So I went to the pet store, bought little baba Yoshi and came home. My friend had come with me and was there as we settled Yoshi in his new home, made sure he had plenty of food and drink, and left him to settle in. After that I thought it only fair to let Rocky out, a) so he didnt feel neglected at all, b) cos he hadnt had a run around since yesterday and c) I guessed he might be a little unsettled by Yoshi's presence to begin with. It was when I picked him up out of the hutch I started to worry again. Holding him against me I could feel his hindquarters were damp and he was very smelly. He's been more and more nibbly recently and a little more agitated when I hold him for too long, but I put it down to his hormones kicking up even more and the heat, but today he was different.
Now usually, he doesnt like my right shoulder. Sounds odd, but when I'm holding him he'd only ever be interested in my left shoulder, so interested in fact that the holes in my jumper say 'Rocky was here'. Today however, after a very short amount of time holding him and trying to placate him, he clambered over to my right shoulder and jumped off and out of my arms. I was sat down so he didn't have far to go but it was enough to worry me. Seconds later, he jumped up higher than he has to to get into his hutch and scrabbled at the fence. This worried me even more, as he never jumps higher than absolutely nescessary and when he did jump and scrabble there was definate contact with the fence. After that he ran to his usual hiding place behind the shed.
Now I knew something was up. Normally he'll hide there for 3mins max, then slink out again and start eating mothers prized flowers, but this time he did not reappear. Nor did the sound of the pole we use to hit the ground to get him off the flower beds and into his hutch stir him. He wasn't moving.
In the end, dad had to come home, empty the shed and move it out of the way for us to get to him. We put him in the box we had only just used half an hour ago to bring Yoshi home in, and went to the vets.
We're quite fortunate in that there is a vet surgery literally 3 minutes from my house across the road, so getting there wasn't a problem.
When we got there we explained what was wrong and the nurse said the vet was in surgery but could see us in half an hour, so instead of putting him through two more journeys we waited. Unfortunately my dad had to get back to work for an unavoidable meeting but my friend was willing to wait with me.
Shortly the vet was available and we went in. Rocky wasn't very receptive and was unusually calm when the vet handled him. There was that much poop all over his back half that it took nearly 10 minutes for the vet to clean him up enough to examine him properly. When he did, Rocky didn't flinch as much as usual when he checked his mouth, eyes and ears, nor when he checked his bum and stuck a thermometer up there. His temperature barely registered. The vet explained that he more than likely had diarrhea, which in rabbits is usually fatal. He said he thought Rocky could be too far gone but that there were a few things I could do.
Keep him warm and try and get him eating. If he was going to get better it would be in the next few hours, if not there were two options. Either bring him back to put him down or just wait. He wasn't in any pain so he would just slip away.
I took him home, wrapped him in towels and cradled him for hours. I tried, as recommended by the vet, mashing up some grass with warm water and getting him to take it via a syringe. The first go he had a bit of, but then started making pained noises so I stopped, not wanting to cause him more discomfort. I tried twice more but each time he wanted less and less to do with it. Wrapped in towels, I cradled him and shared my body heat with him to try and make him better. After a while my friend had to go, and I suddenly got even more upset. I rang my dad who said he would get home asap, and my brother said the same. Mum couldn't get away from work. A couple of times he twitched, but it was more likely involuntary muscle action. He'd look around occasionally but nothing more. At about 4pm, roughly 2 1/2 hrs after visiting the vets, he wasn't really improving much at all. He was barely opening his eyes and his breathing was short, fast, noisy and quite frankly, worrying. It suddenly hit me that he wasn't likely to turn the corner and that I could lose him, so I started crying rather a lot. I rang my dad asking him to get home sooner, and he arrived shortly. We took him outside and put him down on the grass, and opened up the towels to see what he'd do. He didn't move, just raised his head slightly. We wrapped him back up and then I put him in the box and sat and strokes him, talking to him. Dad cleared up the grass and water, and other various bits and bobs while I contemplated what to do next. Deep down I knew he wasn't realistically likely to make it and that it would be kinder to let him go, but I just kept saying, "he could get better, he could get better" and hoping against hope. I put it off as long as possible, and then after my brother arrived and comforted me, I agreed to at least take him to the vet and see what he thought. Still wrapped up and in the box, we made our way to the vets. This time Rocky seemed more alert and aware, but that could have been me hoping for it and so seeing what I wanted. He at least looked around more and while he was on the table reached up and gave me a nuzzle, which made me start crying. The vet took his temperature again, and it was still barely registering. I could practically feel my heart breaking as I clung to my little baby and stroked him and kissed him, barely hearing dad and the vet talking. I knew what they were saying and I knew it was right. If I took him home and he didn't get better, it would be traumatic. Or if I did and he took a turn for the worse in the middle of the night, finding a vet would be nigh on impossible. It was kinder to let him go. But I so badly didn't want to say goodbye. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say the words. Goodbye. No. I held him so close and cried on him, telling him over and over "I love you." I don't know how long I was doing this for, but I remember hearing my dad tell my brother they needed to get me out of there. I didn't want to leave him. I was holding onto that tiny chance. He was my little man who I'd fallen in love with all over again in recent months, my little man who, when I all got too much, would let me come outside and cuddle him, and who would amuse me with his little mischievous ways when he ran around. I knew all his hiding places, his favourite flowers of my mums that I'd let him eat if he'd been really cute and mum wasn't around. I knew where he rubbed his scent glands and where his favourite patches of grass were. We bonded again, after I neglected him for so long, as an impatient bratty child and teen. He started to love me and I couldn't stop loving him. His greying fur on the back of his neck was even softer than his gorgeous soft coat, and stroking him there, between his ears and on his jaw would calm him. I was learning him and loving him, and he me.
Over these last few months, I've had so much shit to contend with. It's just been one thing after another, but he was always there. He couldn't give me advice, obviously, but he excelled at being so soft and cuddly, and even managing to SMELL cute, that being with him cheered me up. I could cry and he'd look up at me with those dark eyes, then nuzzle me breifly, more of a nudge as if to say "Oy stop crying you, I love you. Now why have you stopped stroking me?" when I went to wipe my eyes. I could just sit there and watch him for hours, exploring places he already knew but still found fascinating. I could rely on him to make me smile.
Sure we had our moments, like when he had to have his claws trimmed so for a day or two he was a bit grumpy, or when he'd nibble my jumper just a little too much or too hard, and I wasn't in the mood for it.
But overall, these last few months he's been my gorgeous little man, my baby, my shoulder to cry on and my rabbity island of calm.
And now he's gone.
I left the vets and cried. I wanted to go back in. "I want him back." I knew it wouldn't be fair on him but I was already missing him so hard. I went home and just sat and cried.
Then I realised, I had Yoshi to look after now. He needed me.
I went and showered then got something to eat, then went to introduce my brother to the new addition. I think I was more nervous picking him up that he was about being picked up. He struggled on first attempt and I let go. I was scared. He's so little and I didn't want to hurt him. I got myself in better position, took a breath, then picked him up. He kicked a little, but was calmish. He's so small and soft and delicate, but already inquisitive. He was sniffing my face and tickling me with his whiskers, and his head was bobbing all around, looking and listening. I didn't hold him for long, as I wanted to let him get settled and take it slow, so I put him back in. My brother left and I sat and tried to watch tv and take my mind off Rocky. My lovely twitter friends were, of course, so kind and caring, and I had a momentary nap too.
Then my other friend came round, who I called in tears when I was cradling Rocky, and she hugged me and then met Yoshi. I didn't get him out again but had a little stroke. Then mum came home and met him too.
So now I'm sitting in my bedroom chair, missing my little rabbit, and knowing another one needs me.
People keep telling me not to blame myself but I can't help it. I keep thinking that I didn't do something right or that I missed something or that I didn't do enough to try and help him get better. I guess part of this grief is also regret that I didn't get to know him better any sooner, that I left it so late to love him this much. But I'm also so grateful for the time I did have, as contrived as that sounds.
I hated seeing him so down and uncomfortable, hated the scared look in his eyes whenever he could manage to open then, and the scared noises. I know it was fairer to let the vet put him down, but I just miss him so much already. It hurts.
It hurts so much more than when Trio had to be put down because although I was younger then which was hard, I hadn't been as low as I have recently. In some ways Trio was 'just' a pet (although I'll always miss him and love him and remember his funny half-lop DNA that meant one ear would flop and the other stand up and lots more) but Rocky was my friend and my crutch by the end. He needed me, but not as much as I needed him I'm sure!
And now there's Yoshi. A helpless little baby bunny that needs me.
As I said on twitter, although it might sound cruel, there's a part of me that can't feel so attatched to Yoshi yet because I'm missing Rocky so much. It's not Yoshi's fault of course, it's just how things go in my life : one good thing is followed by shit. I just don't understand why Rocky had to suffer for whatever I'm clearly being punished for by some higher being.
I know it'll take time, but I'm hoping that soon enough I will love Yoshi, at least nearly as much as Rocky, if not more. I already get a big cooey when I'm with him, it's just when I'm not all I can think about is this huge Rocky shaped hole.
His hutch is empty and it won't be filled.
You'll always be my baby, Rocky.
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