Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Looking up?

First of all I would like to start with a thanks to all of you on here and/or twitter who have been so supportive over the recent months, and especially over the last few days: you're brilliant.

Now to business. As some of you will know I was due in court today in relation to allegations of assualt, as explained in a previous post. My solicitor had expected a caution but instead the police pressed charges. After Monday's devastation of losing Rocky, and staying up into the small hours crying with my mum and waking my dad up with my sobs as it all got a bit too much for me, losing him, I woke up tired and with a headache. We went to the court and I was so utterly nervous.

However, good news was to be had.

After we had booked in and waited for a while, the solicitor who would be representing me called the four of us (my brother came too for support, the star) into a room to talk. He told us that he had written to the prosecution basically saying "come on, we both know this is ridiculous to persue a trial, with no previous convictions and her current personal situation, surely a final warning/caution would be more than enough?". Mum and dad said they had known this but didn't tell me as they didn't want to get my hopes up. He then told me that the prosecution agreed and was happy to let it go back to the police for them to give me a caution (as long as they dont decide to be nasty and still push for trial), meaning no trial, no criminal record, and that this would be over.

I cannot explain the feeling of relief that washed over me...all the tension in my body seemed to disappear and I could have cried (had I not used all my tears up last night over Rocky). I looked up and saw my dad holding back tears ( not very well I might add ) and my mothers relief was plain.

I did still have to go into the court room, but my solicitor explained all I'd have to do would be confirm my name etc and he'd do the rest. Even though I knew the pressure was off, going into that court room was still terrifying. Standing there in front of those people, I was just trembling. My solicior stood after I'd confirmed that, yes I am the person you think I am, and asked for an adjournment. The prosecutor also stood and said he agreed that was the fairest and best plan of action and recommended 3weeks adjournment.
What this means now is that as long as the police agree and don't decide they really really want it to go to trial, I'll be summoned to the police station at some point and be issued a formal warning, or caution. It means I don't have to face going through another trial, and that one shit thing in my life will have gone away. If the police don't give me the caution in time (the 3 week adjournemt period) I'll have to go back to the court and they'll probably just adjourn it again til the police have got round to doing it.

Quite frankly, this is the best result we could have hoped for. Just 24 hours ago I was sitting here sobbing uncontrollably about the loss of my little furry friend (about which I still get teary if I think about him for too long) and worrying about facing court the next day, battling through the trial proceedings, and feeling guilty and worried about whether I'd be able to care for Yoshi enough when I'm still hurting this much for Rocky.
Now, this has all changed.

The other court case (the one where I am the legal 'victim') will be proceeding painfully slowly over the next few months, which is evidently something I will have to face in the future, but I'm feeling stronger.

Regarding Yoshi, things are looking up there too. After last nights breakdown of grief, my dad said that if I wanted we could go back to the pet shop we got Yoshi from and buy one of his brothers. (Personally I think thats partially because dad liked the black ones of the litter and seeing as it was his birthday he wanted one lol) My dad is so lovely to me and he really does want to do anything he can to help me and make me happy.
Admittedly I was a little dubious about it, as I was worried I wouldn't be able to bond with one let alone two little baby rabbits who need me, but after a nice lunch we went by the pet store, and I fell in love with Spud. We thought it was definately wiser to get one of the black ones seeing as the other ones are practically identical to Yoshi, we'd never be able to tell the difference! And Spud fits the bill :)

We brought him home and I could already tell he is completely different to Yoshi - whereas Yoshi was jumping around in the carry box all the way home, Spud just sat there, heart going a mile a minute bless him, but still nonetheless. When we got home I got him out of the box and had a cuddle to calm him down, then took him into the conservatory and put him down to run around. We figured it was wiser to re-introduce them in a space bigger than the hutch (which unfortunately is too small for the two of them at the moment, as it was only meant for one little 'un) as even though the man at the pet shop said that somehow they'd recognize each other and get along fine, we wanted to be able to break them up if needed. Mum got a towel to throw over one or both of them if they got a bit fighty, and I went and got Yoshi. To start with they barely even noticed each other, but then Yoshi hopped over to Spud and started nudging him. We nervously watched them but they just started nuzzling and nipping each other in a friendly way, looking ridiculously adorable.
Watching them both explore the conservatory, which was 100% new for Spud but Yoshi didn't seem to find it any less interesting, I started to realize I could easily love them. Although neither of them will take Rocky's place, in a sense they can. They'll both have completely different personalities to Rocky, as well as (as I can already see) different to each other. (Spud seems much calmer and docile, whereas I can tell Yoshi's gonna be a right trouble maker). But you know what? Thats ok, and I'm excited to get to know these little guys. At the end of the day, they need me, and I need them too.

So all in all, touch wood, things seem to be looking up. The way I'm seeing today's good news as, is that it was Rocky's parting shot. On the way up the great hutch in the sky, he had a word with someone. Something like, "Oy, lay off her. Give her a break, she loved me." or something. I've got to see it like that really. Makes things better somehow.

The next step is to bond with these little fellas, and get them bigger hutch. (And to somehow get Yoshi to stop eating Spud's food when he's got his own, and to let Spud drink! Cheeky sod.)

I want things to get better. I want to feel better, be better. I need to be fixed. I've been so broken for so long, and I'm realising now that I need to help fix myself. I have to fight, no matter how hard it is, because I know I'm worth fighting for. I deserve to live, though some days I have my doubts. You guys are part of my support network, of my healing, my therapy...thank you.

Now here's a picture of the little guys :) Unfortunately, neither of them wanted to stay still at the same time for a photo, so Yoshi' (the white one on the right) is a bit blurred. The black one is Spud :) But as with Rocky, you can expect lots more photos in future :) You'll get to know these babies with me I'm sure.


  1. Really pleased that things went so well for you - it's about time that things started to look up for you. Hopefully this will be a turning-point for you, you deserve some happiness now! Hope that your other case goes as well as this one did for you, and that Yoshi and Spud both have a long and happy future with you.

  2. You constantly amaze me with your strength. Love to you, as always. x