Life update.

Once more, it has been a while.

I have GOT to be more disciplined about this.

So, first and foremost, I am now on the Lighter Life diet. I cant be bothered to explain in too great detail what its all about, thats what this is for, but basically it involves not eating any real food for 14 weeks and living on food packs and copious amounts of water. You may have seen a lot of my tweets about it, as I had a few problems with doctors forms etc last week, so I'm only just started on it now meaning I'm a week behind everyone else, but at least I'm on it.

I've spoken to a few people about the fact I'm doing this and had varying responses, but the long and short of it is that I am desperately unhappy with my body, have tried various diets etc and had varying levels of success, but nothing that works quickly. A lot of my psychological problems are because of my weight ( and vice versa ) and I dont feel I am equipped to deal with a lot of the other shit in my head while I'm constantly preoccupied with my weight and paranoid about what people think of me. So I'm taking control. I've done the research, and thought it through. I'm not going into this blind, I've given it serious consideration. I know what it entails and I am actually excited about it if I'm honest. They say that if you follow the programme properly, you'll lose a minimum of 3 stone, but looking on the forums etc there are some people who lose 6-12lbs a week! So yes, all in all I am excited. I'm finding it hard, the whole 'no food' thing, but its not the hunger thats the issue actually, its mainly the lack of chewing. If that makes sense. The food packs are mostly liquid so it doesn't feel fully substantial. The clever thing about the food packs is that basically they encourage your body to use up body fat for energy but transforming it into ketones, which are also a natural hunger suppressant, so once I'm in ketosis (when the body is transforming and using body fat for energy rather than calories) I shouldn't feel hungry, and by all accounts from the other women already on the programme, you really dont feel hungry. Now I'm rambling so I'll shut up.

In other news... well, there is no real other news. College work is going ok, my tutor tells me I'm making strides with the Wuthering Heights coursework and the revision for the exams is kicking off now.

Hopefully my camera really be in stock this weekend, if not then it'll be 17th March at the earliest I suppose, which is a bit annoying as I've been waiting for so long, but I'll just be glad when I do get it.

I SO need to remember to pre-order the new Pokemon game... not that I can decide whether to go for Heart Gold or Soul Silver... grrr. Ruby, Fire Red and Crystal all arrived from Hong Kong the other day and I've been playing on Ruby ever since. Pokemon rules! :D haha.

I also grabbed myself a Tumblr account... though in all honesty I'm not sure why as in some respects its very similar to twitter, and I already have this blog and twitter, so... ah sod it, I'll use it for web pages and shiz.

Gameboy Gamezzzzz :)

So having now won a Gameboy Micro on eBay, I'm going nuts regarding games.
The console comes with: Spiderman 3, Yu-Gi-Oh Stairway to Destined Duel, Yu-Gi-Oh Reshef of Destruction and Crash Nitro Kart
No idea if the Yu-Gi-Oh ones are gonna be any good at all, but I'm excited about Spiderman and Crash Nitro Kart.
I've also bought Rayman 3 on eBay and that's meant to be a good game, and I'm apparently winning the bidding on Dragon Ball Z Adventure, which if it goes cheap then fine, but it does look quite cool.
Now the thing is money really. While each game isnt exactly mega bucks, it does all mount up, and though I've got a bit more money at the moment its not a bottomless pit, for shame. The other thing to consider is whether or not its worth it as I may only play each game once, but the way I figure is that if I do play it and then dont want it, well, that's what eBay is for, right?

So, the games that are currently enticing me;
- Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 - cos it looks fun
- FIFA 06 - a football timewaster is always a good buy
- Avatar: The Last Airbender - looks cute, cool, and fun
- The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap - never played Zelda and want to
- Fire Emblem - apparently a great game and it looks gorgeous

And of course, some Pokemon games;
- Ruby
- FireRed
- Crystal
EDIT: - Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Red Team - get to BE a pokemon! So cute!

The last 5 on the list are all available from a guy in Hong Kong, so I'm thinking a postage discount should clearly be on offer if I do go for the 5 of them, and the other 3 are from the same person in the UK too, but as its free p&p, not an issue.

So I'm wondering if anyone reading this has any experience with any of the above? Am I making a mistake by even thinking about any of those games? Of course, Mr Alex Dixon and @Remy_Foster have told me what they can about the Pokemon games, thank you boys, but if anyone else has any opinions please feel free :)

Oh yes, and I've also changed my blog theme yet again.
Obviously.

Australian wantings, now with pictures :)

So as you know, in 6 months time my parents and I are going to Australia to visit my sister and see the huge land mass :D
Almost as soon as the flights were booked, after being home less than 5 minutes, I was already diving into eBay and Amazon etc and my imagination was playing havoc with my empty wallet.

So basically, this is the list of all the things my tiny, tiny mind is telling me I would love to take to Australia with me :)

• Leather bag.
Seen some really nice ones online, I'm thinking over-the-shoulder, darkish leather, kind of rustic distressed look with room enough for all this other stuff. It needs to have lots of little pockets, but not too many. The perfect amount. Unfortunately, leather costs. Even more unfortunately, the bag in my mind clearly doesn't exist; unless you count the Saddleback Leather Briefcase, left, which costs about £350.

• Digital Camera.

Well my Casio Exilim EX-Z1080 10mpx camera is less than 6 months old and works a charm so I'm happy with that :) Love this bad boy. I'm no photography pro but this takes a sweet picture. Might need spare batteries and memory cards though.

• Laptop/netbook.

Of course, I already have a laptop. In fact, I own two. The three of us in total own 4 laptops between us so you wouldn't think it'd be a problem, right? Well, you're right and you're wrong. First off, size wise my MacBook is probably best suited to the journey, but as it's the older white MacBook it's not exactly feather-light. So weight wise, dads would be best suited, and in terms of price his is the cheapest too so if anything were to happen to it, it's the easiest to replace. However, my inclination, in a perfect world (and this is just my Australia Wanting remember), would be to buy a cheap, possibly second hand from eBay, basic netbook thing to take with us and then sell when we get back. But then we all sit and think, well, do we really need to take one at all? Mum says yes: she can barely go one week without checking her facebook let alone 7! So it requires thinking. Ouch.

• Polaroid camera - One600? SX-70?

Had a real craving for one of these for SO long now. There's something about the charm of those photos, and the simplicity of taking them. Plus, the photos are great for what I have in mind by way of a travel journal (more on that later.) Been looking at two models; the One600 which was the last mass produced Polaroid camera, therefore a bit more modern and sturdy/portable/less fragile, or; the SX-70, a very early model (not sure how early) that's apparently quite sought after but there's a few of on eBay.

• Polaroid PoGo.

Basically the modern reincarnation of the Polaroid cameras of old. Can't be bothered to link you but google it, it's amazing. Size of an iPhone, prints photos in 60seconds, doesn't use ink, (ZINK technology) and the films are self adhesive on the back, yet another advantage for my Aussy photo journalling needs. Around £100 new, Amazon marketplace has them for £22.51 :D especially appealling seeing as the technically superior Fujifilm Pivi is an £100+ import.

• Video camera.

Technically yes, I already have one, and though there's nothing wrong with it, it's so out of date already. I'd love to be able to capture Australia in all it's HD glory, rather than on the one I've got which is slightly grainy looking now. Sanyo VHC-FH1 HD looks good, and £350 on Amazon, but definately needs more looking into.

• iPod :)

OBVIOUSLY. Two lots of 12hr plane rides just to get down under, not to mention the other 6hr flights across Oz, the 2 day Ghan train and the same two 12hr flights home! Not that my parents are so boring I'm going to want to constantly drown them out, but y'know, fair's fair. Does mean I may possibly need to invest in some superior headphones, but in that long run that'd just seem a waste of money.

• Moblie phone.
Yes I have an iPhone, but no I won't be able to use it out there: A) I'll have upgraded to the 3GS by then and B) it'll only be a few months old so there's no way I'm jailbreaking it, and most importantly C) there is no way in HELL I'm paying O2's international roaming charges for 7weeks, especially not when I'll be texting mostly within Oz. We're going to buy Australian SIM cards over there, but obviously although mum and dad will be able to use their own phones fine, my iPhone and I will fail. Hence, I am also looking at Blackberry's on eBay. Plus I want a Blackberry as well as my iPhone anyway :P Specifically the Curve 8900, cos its hot :D

• And last but by no means least: Travel journal.
Some of you may know of my love of Moleskine notebooks and my general borderline-creepy love of all things stationary, but perhaps not of my love of the idea of photo journalling. I say the idea because as of yet my past attempts have ended up being rather neglected. There's an awesome blog at moleskine.vox by this guy who is a creative genius in my eyes when it comes to stationary and journalling. It's not even especially obvious, or even intentional perhaps, but to me there is something so innately and intrinsically cool and artistic about the perfect notebook and pens and such like. Even his handwriting is amazing to me. And he's SO organized! It makes me and my flittish, haphazard ways a little jealous actually. Anyway, partially from his own work and partially from a magazine he talked about and scanned in, I was inspired into trying again when I go to Australia. It'll be the perfect opportunity; sun, sea, sand, Aires Rock, Palm Beach, NEIGHBOURS :D. I can snap away on my digital camera at scenic sweeping outback, Polaroid pwn the Sydney Opera House, and then when we stop at a cafe for lunch or something, I can PoGo my pictures and stick it all in. I can cover the page with glue, grab a handful or sand and take some of the outback home with me. I can really keep track of this once in a lifetime opportunity (that I actually do hope to repeat but still, I'm more likely to keep on top of it on holiday with my parents than travelling with friends in years to come.) Napkins from restaurants will no doubt go in there, cards from hotels we stay at, etc etc. I really want to remember it. Of course, I'll have to be careful not to spend so much time travel journalling that I miss out on anything actually worth journalling. Same goes for filming, though mum seems to want me to film every minute of it.
Now, as any self respecting person will know (:P) the perfect journal needs the perfect pen. And glues. And pencils for sketches. And more pens in case the other pen runs out. And a perfect pencil case for all of the above. So for the next 6 months I will be on the hunt for my perfect travel journal and stationary. I can't wait :)

So that's my ideal Australia wish list, and at the moment it is very much a wish list; with me myself earning no money and anything my parents earn now basically going into the Oz trip, there are a hell of a lot of if's and but's. Firstly I'm going to try and get a job soon hopefully, if I can actually do it. If I cant yet, I suppose there's always my savings if I'm simply overcome with desire for some items, and I can pay myself back when I do get a job as it were. As I say; if's, but's and even a fair few maybe's in there too!
Plus, I've got plenty of shit I can sell.

So there you have it. One long, approximately £800 long list.

If anyone can help me out with any of the items in any way, do please let me know! :D

H.x

Too much.

Evening all.
Firstly I would like to say, before I get started on the meat of this post, a big thank you to all those people on Twitter who have been amazingly kind and supportive to me over the past month or so. It really hasn't been an easy time for me, but some of you in particular have been absolutely amazing.
I would also like to apologise to those same people on Twitter, and any other followers, who have had to put up with my erratic tweeting/moaning/general misery over said month. Once more, thank you.

So, it's been a while.
My last post was before the trial began, and also mentioned how L had said something that lead me to believe she had feelings for me.
First things first; the trial. It didn't exactly get off to a great start, thanks to the fuck-up that calls itself an 'organisation' (what a joke-as my auntie put it; "they couldn't organise a bunk up in a brothel) - the CPS. Long story short the trial either had to start from scratch with a new judge the next day, or wait until next fucking March; guess which option we went for? It was exhausting. Every day I geared myself up for the fact that I could be called any minute, and for the irate two days; nothing. I tell you, sitting around doing shit all in that environment really takes its toll. Eventually, on the Friday (when the trial was due to end, fat chance) I gave my evidence. I can't really explain how it felt, to have to stand up there and be cross examined. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, but I ended up in floods of tears. To stand up there, having to remember what happened that night, what he did to me, what he made me do to him, in front of everyone, and to be basically accused of lying by the defence barrister...there are no words. I felt...exposed. So entirely vulnerable, like my heart was being ripped out and my soul, my character, was out for all to see and examine. I practically broke down at one point. I'd been told I could stop at any point for a break, but I knew that if I left that room I wouldn't want to go back in. So I stood my ground, and told my side. At times I felt anger; anger that I had to remember that night, anger at the things this woman (the defence barrister) was implying, anger at the man who I thankfully couldn't see but knew was standing so close. Fury, at times, threatened to overwhelm me, but I knew I could not break, would not break. Besides the fact that getting angry and 'smart' with the defence wouldn't help at all, I just knew I could not let myself be broken like that. So instead, I spoke through gritted teeth when needed and through tears when I couldn't fight them anymore. When it was over, and I was dismissed, I felt drained. I cried and cried and cried. My SOLO, R, who was nothing short of amazing, a rock to me, throughout, had been allowed to sit behind me while I spoke, so was instantly on hand to get me out of there. We left and my parents enveloped me. We all cried. Then the court broke for a short while, and after that, L was up to give her evidence. I was outside having a cigarette and she came out 5minutes later. Neither of us were sure if we were now allowed to talk to each other. That moment then, me sitting there, her standing there, just looking at each other, me wanting to badly to just hug her, was horrendous. Finally we were told, yes, it's ok now, and I didn't want to let go. Having been through something all too similar years ago, I knew the process wouldn't have been fun for her, all the more considering her hints of feelings for me. To sum up the next period of time, I went to my brothers with him and stayed there til all my friends who were giving evidence had finished and then came round to his too. Eventually, the court day ended and we could all be together. That night L and I spoke properly, but that's for later.
When court broke for the weekend, and indeed, right up until the verdict, it all seemed to be going well. Our barrister seemed confident, and even the judge seemed to be leaning towards favouring the prosecution.
But it was all for nothing.
"They found the bastard innocent."
Those were the words my father said, and then he started crying. The moment he came in the room, the verdict was written all over his face, the pain, the anger, and the sorrow. My mother was crying, my brother was crying, my SOLO was crying, and L had gone outside to cry. I didn't. I couldn't. I just felt numb. It wasn't for a few more minutes that it swallowed me, but even then it wasn't sadness. It was anger. That fury, that rage that had held its hand over me while I stood in court, slammed down on me. But I had to reign it in. I don't think damaging court property and premises would have been a good way to end things. I needed to get out of there. Nobody knew what to say. I certainly didn't. Over the next few hours, when I had presumed I would go into 'shut down', I found myself able to claw my way out for breath. I would not close down. We went home, and over the next few hours gradually more and more people came to see me and say how sorry they were. There wasn't much I could say. At least it's over.
Even now, I'm not 100% sure how I feel. Angry? Yes. Sad? Yes. Relieved? Oddly, yes. At least it's over.
The system let me down.
Everyone, the police, the barrister, all my support workers, even the judge knew the right verdict, but the truth is, with rape cases, convictions are hard to get. At the moment the figures show that in rape cases, the prosecution level stands at 6 per cent. 6 PER CENT. Women are encouraged to come forward and report this abominable crime, but for what? For the hell of reliving it in a public arena, being called a liar, watching the hell their family goes through as they learn the details? The system is quite frankly BULLSHIT. That man's fate was in the hands of people who have no idea of the torment, the pain, the agony of living as a victim of rape, and they set him free, because there were doubts. I fully appreciate that the jury system may save countless innocent people from prison, but it's plain to see that it is riddled with failings. At the backs of the minds of every one of those jurors was the real possibility of sending a man to prison. How can you claim that would not have had an effect? Strangers cannot be impartial. Maybe there isn't a clear solution, but when only 6 per cent of these evil men are convicted, how can anyone say our justice system works? This 'justice' system hasn't only failed me, and rendered me scared to leave my house in the knowledge that he is still allowed to walk around, free and innocent in the eyes of the law, but it has failed hundreds of women, and will fail countless more. It makes me furious, it breaks my heart that anyone who goes through what I went through, which wasn't even as vicious as this crime can be, have such a small hope of justice. I am now supposed to move on with my life, build a future, but how? Everyone told me how I was right to take it to the police, that I was so brave to take it to court when so many wouldn't, but would I have simply saved myself the pain of those words: not guilty? Would it not be better for women everywhere to exact their own brand of justice on those bastards by having extensive counselling and building happy, successful lives? Of course it would, but it's not that easy. How easy would you find it if, as in my case, your virginity was ripped from you? That act of love, of giving yourself to someone so completely, with so much trust, that you had always warned the chance to give, was stolen from you? How easily could you move on, even if the bastard was incarcerated, let alone if he was allowed to walk away scot free? The justice system is a failure. Men who steal are convicted. Men who rape are not. Rape is stealing a woman’s right, rape is an evil act. The cunt who ruined me apparently considers rape to be 'when the man is violent and beats the woman up and stuff', according to his evidence. Is that not what rape will mean to too many more? The justice system FAILS US.
And I am lost for words.
What more can I say? What more can any one person do? One person who can't even leave the house and go into her local town centre because she knows HE lives nearby! Some small mercy, some small, small solace could, I suppose be found in that fact that his name was published, his address, his details. Anyone who reads the local paper and has the slightest bit of self respect wouldn't go near him. He will be the one who people know was accused, and I can only hope that others can see the truth, even if the court couldn't. I hold onto the conversation overhead by my mother in a local shop - on a day when the headline in the local paper read 'WOMEN WARNED AFTER TWO SEX ATTACKS IN TWO DAYS' my mother heard one woman say to another as they perused the headline; "well it's like that bloke who lives round here, they found him innocent but he was guilty as sin".
Small mercies, small hopes.
6 percent. Gone.

So now I have to move forwards.

My attempts to continue an education I desperately want but am unable to pursue in the full time manner due to previously mentioned inability to leave the house without feeling terrified, and my crippling body hang ups thanks to the weight that has piled on with the depression, have also been scuppered. The local college, that I did attend until it became impossible for me to do so, have the monopoly on local A Level evening classes...which you can only complete if you're aged 19 or over. What a joke. But I won't start on that now. Suffice to say we are battling on this one.

Battling. Constantly.
But there's one more battle that will not be fought anymore.
As some of you will know, over the last few months my grandmother has been in and out of hospital with various problems, and has been really very ill. As of last week, she had accepted she would not be able to return to her own home, and faced losing her leg. Then she lost the use of one of her hands. Then her kidneys packed in. Then she lost blood flow to her foot. Then the infection in her leg started spreading throughout the rest of her body. Then it was realised, that it simply wasn't fair to let her keep fighting, and in so much pain. The doctors and my family agreed it was best for her to simply make her comfortable. And then yesterday, she slipped away from us.
Fortunately, we all got to say goodbye. Mum, dad, brother and I all went to see her the day before. At that point she did still seem to know us. I sat with her, on my own as I had wanted, not knowing what to say. Seeing her like that...that wasn't my Nan lying there. That was an old woman, so small, and old. I held her hand, and she gripped so hard. I told her I love her, and would miss her, and would never forget her. I told her that I would always remember her whenever I eat Semolina and Ginger Nut biscuits, and said "na-night nanny nicely, bye nanny properly" for that last time, though I didn't know it. She wasn't fully with it, and kept saying "must be quick, must be quick", but when I said "I love you" she opened her eyes, looked at me and said "I love you too." When I left the room I turned and looked at her, and her arm was still stretching out to where I had just been sat. I'm crying now as I write this, and remember the last time I saw her alive. None of us actually thought she would go so fast, so it was still a bit of a shock. When mum and dad walked through the door while I was drying the dishes and L came down the stairs after her shower, I knew there was no other reason they would both be here, home at this time. It broke my heart seeing my dad like that. He cried on my shoulder, but I couldn't cry. I just felt so utterly numb. I think I barely blinked for the next few hours. I've never lost a relative before; I still don't know if I'm grieving right. When I was younger, my Nan was such a big part of my life. I'd spend weekends with her, go out on day trips with her, and spend New Years with her when my parents wanted to see their friends. I will hold so many good memories of her, but sadly, also many bad ones. I can't fully yet banish the images of her over the last few years, each time she was in hospital, each time she got ill again. I've never thought of her as old, but at 85, she had lived such a long life. A fighter through and through was my Nan, surviving wars, heart attacks, a stroke, cancer, nervous breakdowns...but she couldn't win every fight. She couldn't beat time. I still can't believe she's gone. Until now, I haven't cried much, I don't know why, but believe me I'm crying now. I'm going to miss her so much. She can't be gone. My Nan, the invincible woman, how can she be gone? My dad is being so amazing, he's lost his mother but he's staying as strong as he can. Sure, I've seen him cry more this past year that in all the rest of my life put together, but he's the strongest man I know. My sister, who's living in Australia, got to say goodbye to Nan when we did, albeit over the phone. Nan knew who she was talking to. She was so proud of my sister, so proud. I only recently found out that the last thing my Nan said to my sister before she moved away was "if you're going for 3 years I expect I'll never see you again." My sister really wanted to come home the day she said goodbye to Nan, but she's now decided to stay out there, which we all agree is the right thing for her to do. All this does make me miss my sister, which I haven't really done for a while. It's hard that he doesn't know everything that's gone on this year, but it's the right thing in the circumstances.

So as it stands, Nan’s funeral will be this Tuesday coming. I've never been to a funeral before, and in a way I think I hoped I never would. I don't want to have to say goodbye. But my Nan will live forever, where it really matters; in our hearts.

I'll always love you Nan, and I miss you more than words can say. I hope you're as proud of me as I am of you, proud I had you in my life, proud that I had you as my Nan. You will be my inspiration, to keep fighting, to keep living as I want to. I will not let this beat me, I will not. You never did. No matter what life did, you held your head high and carried on. You loved your boys, you loved their wives and you loved us, their children. You loved so much, and I will miss you so, so much. We all will. You kept fighting. Right til the very end when you still kept trying to take those bandages off! I will make you proud. I will. I love you Nan. I miss you. Please stay with me. Please help me live as you lived- with love and kindness, as I knew you. Na-night nanny nicely, goodbye nanny properly. You will NEVER be forgotten.

You can't see how much I'm crying right now. But I think I needed that. Writing that, and crying now, I need to cry. I haven't done enough of it recently really. Mum keeps telling me it's ok to cry, and I know it is, but I'm always afraid I won't be able to stop. This year has been, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst of my life. I won't be sorry to see the back of it...but I think I'll stay at home this New Year.

As for things with L...well...!
I feel tired and worn out now but I know how therapeutic writing is for me, and I know if I don't do this now I never will.
Basically, on the Saturday before the trial I think it was, L sent me a text that said something like "I love you more than you realise" so I replied with "Are you trying to tell me something?"
To be honest, I was mainly joking! I didn't think she would reply with "Well yes I am, but it's not the right time to tell you are it?” In the lead up to the trial, we didn't talk much about it, but apparently it was obvious to my SOLO and the other police officer in charge that something was going on! After Friday, L came home with us and stayed the night. I think we were all feeling on a bit of a strange high, I know I was. Having done my bit, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and we all relaxed with a few drinks. When we went up to bed conversation eventually came to what had been said in the texts the other night. Long story short (ha! I hear you cry!) she told me that she had feelings for me and wanted more than just friendship and I said I wasn't sure how I felt, but that I know I love her and she's my best friend and I don't ever want to lose her. The weekend was...interesting. There was a new level to our friendship that we both had to get used to, but it was nice. Flirtier jokes and comments, and texts between us that sometimes shocked me and made me grin a little at the same time. But it was nice. And after the trial, I came to realise that I did feel the same for her. I would be lying if I said that when I first met her I didn't find her attractive, but as I knew she had a boyfriend I pushed any feelings like that aside if ever they came up. She truly became my best friend, and life would seriously have been shit without her.
But then, after the verdict, things seemed to change.
I know it wasn't easy for her either, and she sat in for his evidence which undoubtedly brought back a lot of unpleasant memories. She went away the next weekend as she had already planned, for a friend’s house warming party, and when she left things didn't feel right. She said she needed some time to think and we'd talk when she got back. Only we didn't. And then she had to go back up to Essex to see him again. And then her closest brother was rushed into hospital, where, as far as I know as she isn't telling me much, he still is. There's also the matter of P, her brothers best friend who she had a thing with a while back, is really close to and is completely in love with her. And basically, it would seem she doesn't know how she feels. He knows about how she says she feels for me, and he was more than a little shocked apparently. Other than him, no one else knows. I just don't know what to do. She's obviously been spending a lot of time with P recently because of her brother, but it's hard. I'm trying to be understanding, and be there for her, but when she doesn't tell me what's going on and when she doesn’t talk to me, it's hard to know what to do. She keeps saying there's a couple of things she's wants to say to me but she also doesn't want to, and that if I push her she won't say anything. I also now know she spent the night with P last night, and whilst she says nothing happened, that he was just there to talk about her brother and then they had a fair few drinks and he just ended up staying, and while I believe her, I'm just struggling. They have a lot of history that I know about, and whilst she says she loves me and misses me when she's not with me, when she's on the phone to him or texting him I find it hard to even be in the same room. I haven't spoken to her about it, because with everything going on in both our lives I don't want to upset the balance, but I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know what's going on between us, between her and P, I don't know how her brother is, and she won't talk to me. She's says she knows she can talk to me about anything and that I'm one of the few people she trusts, but then seems to be holding so much back from me. I don't think it’s just 'jealousy' but I don't know what to do. Blame it on my star sign Taurus or whatever, but when I fall for someone I fall hard. This is only the second time I've ever felt like this, and the other girl I badly fell in love with decided to cut me out of her life when she found out I liked her. I so don't want to lose L, but I don't know what to so.

Things are just stacking up again. When the trial ended, other than the feelings I had over the verdict, I also felt relieved it was over. But now, I think I'm not dealing with it as well as I thought, and now Nan’s gone and the situation with L is getting unbearably painful for me and with everything else, I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed again. I've already regrettably reverted to 'old habits' as it were once and I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I can't switch off, can't relax, can't breathe, can't sleep brilliantly again, despite this glorious new bed. Most days I'm walking round with my head working a mile a minute and freaking out. Mainly about L if I'm honest. I'm just worrying about everything. I don't think my medication is helping massively at the moment, and my psych nurse was planning to change my medication soon so I'm worrying about that too!
Part of me just wants to get fucked hammered and pass out, part of me wants to go and smash things, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and die, part of me wants to scream and shout and cry, but no one part of me can decide what I actually AM going to do.

So right now I'm lying awake crying, worried about L because she was going home tonight to meet with her brothers doctor to discuss his situation and I haven't heard from her, worried about mum and dad, worried about how my brother's coping with Nan being gone, worried about my sister on her own on the other side of the fucking world and wondering what the hell the last 3 months of this shitty year are going to throw at me now.

But other than all of that, everything is rosy in this Finch's garden.

Time to get some sleep now I think. Apologies for the length of this post again, as you can see a lot has been going on since my last post so it was sort of necessary. Thank you once more for your support. I just hope it can be enough.

H.x

Monday, Tuesday, Happy Days.

So, Monday down; I went and viewed my video evidence.
Obviously it wasnt much fun whilst I was watching it, but I had my SOLO there by my side throughout the whole thing with a friendly arm round me when I needed it which helped. Afterwards, strangely enough I didnt feel as crap as I thought I would. Something about me kicked in and I felt stronger, more positive. Although I know this case could easily not go the right way, Im feeling more confident about coping with everything. Though I could be wrong and fall to pieces but hey we'll take it one day at a time.

Now Tuesday is almost through, and I met with the barrister.
Firstly, true to form in my life the barrister we were expecting was involved in another case that was going on longer than expected so we had to have a new one, who was then late because he got lost. Overall though the meeting with him went well, and although things seem a bit last minute and chaotic, the barrister assured us that this was normal and not to be too worried. He gave me some more advice about answering questions and answered all the questions we had, so Im feeling ok about that.

So overall I'm feeling...ok about the trial at the minute. But as I say, that could all change.

On another note, things seem to have suddenly got a bit complicated with my best friend L after something she said in a text last night, eg either I jumped to the wrong conclusion or shes got feelings for me. She was beating herself up about having said anything now as shes knows I've got enough on, but we've just said we'll leave it for now and talk about it some other time. So yeah, MY LIFE IS NEVER SIMPLE IS IT?!?!

H.x

Well apparently fucking not.

RE; Last post. Fucking failed. You saw my tweets about it. Monday is nearly here which means viewing my evidence, something I'm obviously not looking forwards to. Then on Tuesday I meet with my barrister and then Wednesday strikes. Oh deepest joy. Sensing sarcasm? Good.

For now, I'm feeling pretty crap after Friday's failure. Basically my driving test was going really quite well, and I came up to the last roundabout before the test center thinking "Oh my god, I'm actually going to do this." And then some git of a van driver decided that it would be fun to get in the wrong lane and then pull out in front of me as I moved because the way looked clear. The examiner had to slam on the brakes and that was it. "Shit. Fuck. Well thats me failed." And it was. Oh well. I had my period of shut down when I got home, then I had a cry, and now I'm feeling a bit better about it. Still feeling shit about it, but slowly realising that although its just one more thing in my life thats gone wrong, it might not actually be the end of the world. My driving instructor texted me today to say that he has booked me another test for the beginning of November, and I text back thanking him but also adding that if there was any chance of a cancellation before then, as long as its not this week obviously, then I'm free for that so it'd be much appreciated. No reply so far.

Apart from that I'm just doing the usual and bumming around, eating and smoking too much and doing too little. My progress in terms of reading is still increasing though, I've read quite a few books and got a few more sitting waiting to be read. I have thus far read and enjoyed; The Twilight series/saga and The Host (Stephanie Meyer), War Horse (Micheal Morpurgo) and... Suddenly I cant for the life of me remember what other ones I've read are and I'll be buggered if I'm going upstairs to check. My 'To Read' list is a little longer; Time Travellers Wife, Altas Shrugged, The God Delusion, The Dice Man, Million Little Pieces, My Friend Leonard, Picture of Dorian Gray, The Great Gatsby and quite a few more. And the book of Let The Right One In and another by the same guy that're on their way to me. So plenty to get through methinks.

Onwards and upwards hey?
I'll try to be on twitter etc as much as I can over the next week, but as I'm sure you can understand things wont exactly be much fun for me so chances are I'll be curled up in a ball somewhere. But I know there's a fair few of you who'll be thinking of me and whose support I can count on, and for that I thank you, more than you will ever now.

Stay safe, play nice, and sleep tight.

H.x

Furio. - Dear Liz.

EDIT: To any twitter friends or anyone who has something to say, I'd rather you posted it here so its all in one place. You can DM me too if you really want, but here would be great.

Ok, so its not entirely often I get angry, but when I do, I get really fucking angry.
Now as most of you will know, especially those of you who have bothered to read any of this blog and/or get to know me at all, this last year has been a bit tough on me, perhaps to say the least. For the most part, bar one or two idiots on twitter who have had a go at me for reasons beyond my control or understanding, I have found most of you twits/twitterers/tweeters/twats/etc to be a charming, lovely and oh so caring bunch. A fair few of you are actually going some way to restore some of my lost faith in humanity. (There's a compliment in there somewhere :P )
But some people aren't so understanding, or nice, or caring. Some people are just plain... twattish.
Now I have explained in the past my reasons for using a 'fake' name on twitter etc, though I feel in light of this I am going to have to do it YET AGAIN.

So, the reason for my fury.
There's a very nice lad on twitter, his name is @Abcmsaj/Alex Dixon, and as I say, he is a very nice young man, if a bit cheeky :P He's very clever when it comes to all things technology, and nice to talk to. I believe he has a lady friend, commonly known as a girlfriend, though I could be wrong. Now, besides the obvious fact, eg. you know, my being gay, there is nothing going on between us. For starters I dont really talk to him that much/enough to constitute anything going on.
However, someone somewhere seems to have other ideas, and is perhaps more than a little jealous of our non-existent relationship.

Now last night, this amiable young fellow alerted me to the fact that this particular person seems to have got the wrong idea, and gone a bit... over the top, shall we say. He pointed me in the direction of her blog, which highlights what seem to be her manufactured issues and, to my mind, slanderous comments. In her post, she says she cannot name names for legal reasons. I have no such qualms. I am here only presenting my 'side of the story' which she seems to have got so magnificently wrong. Also, if I'm going to 'bitch' about someone I'm damn well not going to pussy foot around the issue, and I'll certainly be making her aware of this.

Quite honestly I think all you need to do is read the offending blog post to figure out why I'm quite so peeved (and thats putting it lightly.) so heres the link.

So lets study some evidence, I like going all CSI ;)

Firstly, I dont think it takes a genius to work out that I am the Finch and Mr Dixon is the Birdwatcher, due to a) calling me the Finch, and b) the subtitle - 'Little Feathered Finches'; ironic no, seeing as my name here is FINCH and my blog is called LITTLE FEATHERS? At least try and be subtle my dear. Now feel free to call me paranoid on this front, but if that is the case then be fully prepared for me to tell you to stop talking out of your arse and read it again :)

Now, lets talk through it shall we? Should be fun.

1) Yes I have a 'double identity'. Pure and simple. My reasoning behind this? Well if you must be told again... actually lets put it hypothetically, ask you some questions and see if you cant get your head around it. Sod that, I'm angry about this particular part. Not that I'm under any obligation to explain myself to you little girl, but I'm the type of person who will not stand for being shat on, and thats what I consider this to be. So just imagine you were sexually assaulted 3 hours into the first day of 2009, and had something taken from you, something you can never get back, something that should have been yours and yours alone to give you who you chose, to someone you love and loves you. Say your friends all but deserted you because they were 'fed up' of your clinical depression, pissed off that you were 'no fun' to be around because the attention wasn't all on them, because it hadn't happened to them. Say your 'best' friends had been making homophobic comments to and about you ever since you'd finally worked up the guts to come out them, and ever since the attack they all but increased the intensity. Say your friends probably didn't believe you, that they'd called you a 'crap lesbian' before when a stranger tried to kiss you and didn't believe you when you told them you told him where to stick it, so a part of you cant help but think they just think you're making it up. Say you hadn't had a proper nights sleep in 6 months, always still awake at gone 1AM and not wanting to wake up in the morning. Say all your choices regarding how you live your life from now on were taken away from you, your choice as to when you come out to your parents was wrenched from you, because its the strongest piece of evidence in court. Say you ended up dropping out of college (your high school I think) because everything you'd ever been good at just suddenly vanished. Lets just say you wake up (eventually) on some mornings and want to die, dont think you're strong enough to carry on anymore, strong enough to face the world, strong enough to make the decisions as to whether or not you should bother to fight for those friendships you'd just lost but were all you'd had for the past 16 years. Lets pretend you didn't really like yourself anymore. You hate your own body, and mind, and soul, and you feel like you're letting everyone down. How about if you had so little regard for yourself, were made to believe by shit friends and strangers that you're not worth anything, would you want a little escape? A little place somewhere, where those people weren't, where you could be who you truly feel like you could be, make new friends, new bonds, new strides in your life, wouldn't you do the same? Wouldn't you want to separate it from your other life, at least a little, if you know that those 'friends' would mock your 'internet life' and call you a saddo, weirdo, and like you even less? Wouldn't you want to be someone else? Someone you actually might be able to like, to be proud to be?
Can you maybe comprehend that?
This Finch does have emotion little girl, perhaps too much. This Finch hurts every day, wants to bleed everyday but doesn't want to let her parents down any more. This Finch wants to fly, but is too fucking heavy everywhere. This Finch has a fucking burning, bleeding hole where her choices, plans, and life were. This Finch's heart is fucking heavy, painful, full. This Finch doesn't know for sure where the name she chose came from. Perhaps subconsciously it was for those reasons. For wanting to fly, wanting to soar above all the nay sayers and shit-stirrers and life breakers. Swoop down on those people who ruined my life, made me feel shit every waking day, and open my bowels on their huge, brainless heads. Maybe it was because, as a Finch, I am small yet I am mighty. Who knows. I'd like to think it was all of those reasons, and more.
Is that clear enough to you?
Because until you've been through what I've been through in my 17 years, you can shut the fuck up. If you have, then I am truly sorry. Sorry for your hurt, sorry for your pain, and sorry for the cynical, jealous, and unnecessarily nasty person it has made you. I would never wish my life on anyone. But I am still. fucking. here. Still fighting. Just. By the skin of my teeth I am fighting. (Or should that be with the tips of my wings, or the strength of my beak?) As this demonstrates. I will not stand for being shat on. Being belittled, slandered, 'bitched' about anymore. 17 years of bullying, attacks, assaults, being worn down, can do that to a girl. Which answers one of your other musings. Yes I'm a girl.

Lets see... what else you wondered about, I'll try and clear things up for you.

2) Thank you for calling me special.
3) (answered in 1) I am a girl.
4) My 'feathers', or hair, as I took it to infer, is brown. With a hint of auburn inherited from the grandmother I am (legally, really) named after that I never met. My mothers mother. When the light catches and the auburn shines through, I can see my mother smiling.
5) My eyes are blue. Blue grey to be exact. I've been told in certain lights and at certain angles they might even pass for beautiful. My picture has been very heavily photoshopped to within an inch of its life, to avoid being recognized. I've also been clear about this. I dont like the way I look, I wish I was different, so until I'm confident with my body a bit more, I'll be hiding that way.
6) I wasn't aware I 'psych people out'. I apologize to those I have done this to. I wasn't aware being honest and free with my language could have such a negative impact. Perhaps those of you who find me 'psych out'-y could elaborate for me. I am always open to improving myself in whatever way I can.
7) The Birdwatcher is British, to the best of my knowledge. Perhaps you dont know him very well?
8) He came on very strong? I myself have seen no evidence of this, unless perhaps you communicate via text, private email or some other unseen means. He himself seemed more than a little bewildered by this claim too. From what I have seen, he's a fairly flirty (but otherwise harmless) kind of guy.
9) He's always seemed honest enough to me.
10) Your bullet points. Perhaps I should make some corresponding bullets.

• You said yourself you don't know what I look like, how can he? Have you sent him pictures of yourself? Does he know what you look like? No. If I remember rightly, you and I were the two people on twitter he said he would like to see a picture of, to find out what we look like. So I hardly think that arguement stands up on its own.
• I've never really given him anything, apart from tweets, time and conversation. I dont want to ask what you might have given him...
• What he does or doesn't do in his own time is none of our business. In fact he seems just as interested in technology as you do. Something you have in common. Do you have something 'better to do'?
• Perhaps you could enlighten us with an example? Was talking to you a mistake? Or talking to me? Or talking to us both? Joining twitter?
• I tricked no one. I have been nothing but honest from the start.

11) I would liken myself more to the Medium Ground Finch, if a comparison must be made. I'm not the greatest fan of heights despite my desire to fly, so wouldn't suit high tree life too well. I don't like cacti/cactus'. I don't like wood and I'd rather not peck it. I'm no vegetarian. I consider myself able to hold a tune so would rather not be accused of warbling. I suppose the only other one I could be is the Sharp Beaked Finch. I think you can work that one out yourself.

12) Spotlight Finch? Oh please, you're the one putting me there. I'll tell you the species you forgot girl; the human fucking Finch.
13) Legal reasons? It aint even my real name darling, as we've established. Go ahead, 'name and shame' me.
14) The feeling I give off...

• Feeling A) Already explained this. HUMAN FINCH. FICTIONAL REALITY.
• Feeling B) Once more, you contradict yourself. He knows what I look like no more than you. He can have my DNA if he wants, but I expect he'll be sorely disappointed compared to the picture in his head ;)
• Feeling C) Correct. Correct. Fuck off - how many more times can you miss this? To say I'm lying would have to mean that I haven't been straight with people from the start, which I have. I don't currently have a job, I lost both of those in the aftermath of New Years as I wasn't able to cope, thanks for the reminder. I don't think I'm beautiful, far from it, as established. Is that another back-handed compliment?

15) If I could hiss this I would; I am no fucking hoe, lady.

16) More Finch spottings in the future? 'Bring it bitch'. We'll spot each other yeah?

A separate point. If this is all because you feel hard done by by some guy, why take it out on me? Someone you clearly dont know, have never spoken to before? Why? How have I done you wrong?
And to clarify, I am NOT his girlfriend. Apart from a) my well known sexuality that would pose a problem, there is the fact that b) I've never met him, c) Even if I had, it doesn't guarantee anything, d) I am about as far from interested in anything like that as you can get, for obvious reasons. (Not that you're not a lovely chap Alex, just not quite my type, what with the manhood and everything :P)

Alex hasn't asked me to do anything, if anything I should have asked him if it was ok or if he had any objections to his being mentioned here before I even started writing, but I was going on impulse. I'm doing this because you've upset and angered me. He's a big boy, I'm sure he can take care of himself ;)

Yeah you've made me mad, really quite mad. Angry. Fuming. Rage.
I will NOT lie down and be walked all over any more. For me, there's no dignity in silence any more. If there was, he would have got away with what he did to me.
I'm fighting back against you, against everyone else who's got a problem with me. I've tried to make this as intelligent a counter-post as possible. Sure my language is more than a little rough in places, but sometimes no other word works anywhere near as well as 'fuck'. I hope perhaps anyone reading this can empathise or sympathise even slightly with my stance on this. Things are hard. I've got an even bigger fight on my hands when this finally goes to trial at the end of September. Consider this practice.

This bird's got bite, baby.

courtesy of @liz_is_ep1c at ep1cblog.blogspot.com

PS. I like the little logo thing. I might borrow that now and in future. Inadvertent help, feel proud. Full credit and everything.

#followfriday

In anticipation of this and every #followfriday:

Instead of reeling out names every week, and seeing as I often forget to participate properly if at all in #followfriday on Twitter, I thought I’d just write up a list of my favourite followees on Twitter. I’ve done it alphabetically so no one can complain about favouritism :)

I’ll try and add to it to keep it as up to date as possible.

@23graeme23
@Abcmsaj - techy boy, but don't let that put you off :P a lovely soul and great guy.
@Ainz90
@alansheppard
@aliAliALI_
@atomicpoet
@BaconBellyBoy
@belle_lulu - SHE'S BRILLIANT! :)
@BigAssBadger - he thinks I have a nesquik addiction :)
@ComedyBint
@ComedyQueen - has a great blog, always lovely to chat to.
@coy0te - one of the nicest people ever :) been through a fair bit and still standing tall. You MUST follow her.
@Dirtyblondescot - gorgeous, fun and Scottish. Nuff said ;)
@dontforgetchaos - lovely guy, great photographer and a paid night owl :P
@duskyazure
@ElleSergi
@FreeRangeHaggis - randy bugger :P
@Fussy_mummy - she's @SruffyPanther's mum: need I say more?! FOLLOW.
@girl_from_oz - fount of musical knowledge and lovely girl :)
@heronfield
@IrishLad585 - the best of the US :)
@jackfaulkner - apparently mutual love of cars & dinosaurs is grounds for marriage :)
@johubris
@james1512 - one of the kindest souls I know and always on hand for advice :)
@jmroskell - bb fanatic and all round wise man :)
@josianna - a truly special lady. Welcomed me to Twitter and now someone I count as a friend. One of the strongest people I know, a truly amazing person.
@krayfish
@lostsoul815
@markbrown83
@marksvoice - a very wise, caring and funny guy :)
@mikesawriter - just follow him ok! He's wuvly :)
@Mr_Geoff - MR GEOFF! Of Mr Geoff fame! He fuels my Girls Aloud love and is a wonderful person! My life would truly be very different without him.
@NorthLondon
@olafsearson
@PD78
@PembsDave - he's like, twitterfamous, yeah?
@philiplarkin
@PinkTribble - wuvly lady night owl :) she rules the roost!
@Reynolds
@sabbathdei - read his blog. Follow him. Love him!
@SaliWho
@scooby876 - accidentally revealed my true name to him once...SHHHH!!
@ScruffyPanther - LUFFLES! She's amazing. If you don't follow her you need your head checking. Pantherpants :P
@Ste1987 - one of my first followees. A great guy.
@stonefences - a wuvly jubbly chappy :) follow him!
@tezzer57
@timidheathen
@totalgunner - he's a little sweetie ;)
@tylermassey - cool personified. Also twitterfamous.
@Twistedlilkitty
@ukgirlie - crazy crazy brilliant lady, and so caring with it :)
@white_canvas
@xlad - what a sexy guy ;)

Clash.

Where to start? I have GOT to update this thing more often!

The rabbits are now genderless. That's one way to kick this thing off! First they were both boys, then they were both girls so we booked them in to be spayed. One more sexing before the op, just to check; bloody good job they did because it turns out Yoshi IS a boy. Spud is still definately a little girl apparently. Well, was. Now neither of them have any bits. Having to keep an eye on the wounds and stitches, especially in Spud's case as her op was much more invasive than Yoshi's. Both of them took a bit of time to get back to normal, again Spud more so than Yoshi, but they're both back to their cheeky mischievous selves by now! Possibly the remainder of their hormones as it were, are still kicking around as they're still a little aggressive at the minute, but that should calm down.

I PASSED MY THEORY TEST!
Thinking about it I should have led with that really...hmmm. But yes, I passed. 49/50 on the multiple choice and 62/75 on the hazard perception test, which is a good score I think! That was about the first thing we had to celebrate in a while, so we bought a cake :) with the Stig on it :) seemed appropriate!
My practical driving test has been booked and my instructor told me the date today...the same date as the provisional date for the trial. Great. Another dose of bad luck.

Had my first appointment at CAMHS on Tuesday, after ringing to book an appointment, being told that the earliest they could offer me an appointment was September, and telling them in no uncertain terms that while I appreciate they have waiting lists, I need 'help' soon now. So she pulled some strings and got me an appointment with the case-screening guy which I was pleased about until I actually HAD the appointment. To start with he was nice enough and seemed to listen, but by the end of it I just felt like I really hadn't been listened to properly. All I'd got out of it was him saying he would book an appointment with someone I've already had an appointment with (but it wont be the same obviously, because she works in two departments and this time I see her, it'll be in a different capacity. Sure.) for as soon as possible, which is still likely to be months away. As I say, by the time I left I felt worse than when I'd gone in. I went to CAMHS because I have been worried about my mental health for years now, and over the last 8 months these concerns have got worse. No matter how much I stressed to him that while what had happened to me in January wasn't exactly the most savoury experience, the problems I am now worrying about are NOT because of it, as it were. As I've said to my parents and to him, in most respects I am actually over what happened. I've accepted it wasn't my fault and I'm moving on from it as much as I can ( at least until the trial ), so my mental health problems which are why I was even AT CAMHS and have been worrying about for YEARS are what I need help with. But according to him it sounds like I'm just suffering from 'post-traumatic stress and anxiety'. Yes. Obviously. So apparently a trauma happened years ago that I can't remember that has resulted in me feeling like I'm going crazy. Fuck off.

That debacle and the whole driving-test-on-the-same-day-as-the-provisional-trial-date has only left me with a sense of despair to be honest. Despair at the system, the fucked up system. The legal system where it takes 8 months to even get a provisional trial date, 8 months to get a possible date to try and prosecute this bastard. 8 months of waiting, of not being told what's going on, of not knowing. Despair. Despair at a system where someone who has concerns over their mental health, and has done for years, someone your system is 'aware' of, who 'meets your criteria' for help, yet is pushed from pillar to post, person to person, department to department, never getting the help and need. Is it any wonder that people disappear, or worse, when the system fails them so utterly and repeatedly? I was prosecuted for a lesser crime and that took no time at all, yet I've got this suffocating shadow of a trial constantly over me, its at the back of my mind yes, as much as I can keep it there, but each time it creeps forwards I just cant take it. Yes, I am 'over' what happened in some sense. But that doesnt mean I'm particularly relishing the thought of standing in the same room as him, answering questions, hearing his lies and watching my friends no doubt get a grilling. But I have to wait, dont I. I have to suffer even more, never able to fully move on until after the trial, but never knowing for definate when it'll be.

But that's the system isn't it? The ones who need help, the ones who are the 'victims' if you like, are the ones who are failed. Time is on his side, in a way. He gets longer to decide how to try and make me look like a liar, drags it out. And in terms of CAMHS, well, what are they playing at. Another system that's failing people. I just dont know what to do about this whole situation.

All I know is that there is a Plea Case Management Hearing this Friday where the trial date SHOULD be fixed. If it isn't I think a very big part of me will be angry. If it is and its fixed for the same day as my driving test (which he picked for that day because it was a brilliant time of day as well) well, then I have yet more thinking to do. Do I take the test the same week, week before, week after, what? I just dont know! Everything is just so frustrating! Not to mention my sleeping is still up the shit.

I've kind of run out of things to say, which is a first. Oh no, wait I haven't, but it'll wait for another day. Or in about 5 minutes time, whichever I feel like more :)

Cars cars cars cars driving cars

I mentioned in my last post that I'd probably be posting quite a long post next about sexuality and friends etc, but as you can tell from the title, this isn't it.

Right now I'm feeling in a good place, for once, so I want to focus on that.

As my Twitter followers will know, I started learning to drive recently. I had started writing a post about how my first lesson went but got a bit bored so left it :) now I've had 5 x 2hr lessons (so 10hrs) and it seems to be going really well I am happy to report. My clutch control is getting better, and after the first ten minutes of each lesson where I come off the clutch a bit too fast my gear changes are pretty damned smooth, if I do say so myself. I'm pretty confident at 3 point turns/turning in the road and my instructor actually said it's quite rare for someone to be as good at it first attempt as I was :) last lesson I started trying the reverse round a corner manouver, and I wasn't quite as good at that but I'll get there. Get a bit confused with my lefts and rights when I'm goig backwards :s
I've also booked my theory test for in a couple of weeks time so the pressure is on! I'm reading the Highway Code every spare minute, taking practice tests and doing practice hazard perception tests on the net, and I'm so keeping up the revision. Both my brother and sister passed their theory tests first time (though it was slightly easier then) so there's a bit of added pressure there, on top of the pressure I'm putting on myself; I so want to drive and do well and get passed quickly.

Now, again as my Twitter followers will know, I also started looking at cars a few months back on the web...more specifically I started looking at VW Camper Vans. Now I have ALWAYS wanted a VW (T2 to be model-specific) so that was my initial object of web searching, but then after much sensible talking with a lot of people I figured having a VW as a first car would be foolish, for many reasons. Firstly, being a new driver would make me more likely to have an accident, and I wouldn't want to fuck up my pride and joy in the first year. Secondly, price wise they are pricey, and THEN there's insurance for those beasts. So I put that dream to bed for now and focussed my desires on a little banger.

My sisters cars have all been bangers, and with the exception of a couple of duds have all been nice cars. And there's just something about an 'old banger' as a first car, like a rite of passage or something. To cut a long story short, after a lot of dissappointments at cars I liked on autotrader having been sold, there was a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I saw a little Peugeot 106 on autotrader and rang the guy selling it only to be once again told it was gone...BUT, he had good news. He'd just got a Peugeot 205 in and would we like to see it? Obviously I jumped at the chance :)
On Friday we went to see it, and I basically fell in love with it :) it's a charcoal grey, 1.7/1.8 diesel, N reg, power steering and being MOT'd on Monday, selling for about £600. Sadly, having not passed my test I couldn't drive it, but mother gave me a handy running commentary of how it drove and said it didn't feel at all a bad little car. The guy selling it said he was getting it MOT'd on Monday and was confident it would barely need anything doing to it, but that he'd change the front drivers tyre as it was looking a bit tired (excuse the pun) get it fully, properly valletted, sort the sun roof out as it was stuck, and put a cd player in there for me! All in all from what we could see it really was in excellent condition, no visible rust and nothing falling off.
We said we'd give him a call on Monday and see how the MOT went and then maybe come and see it again. The other plus is that he hasn't advertised it anywhere at all, he only mentioned it to us as we'd rung about another Peugeot and he'd just had it in.
So off home we went to talk the dreaded first driver expense of...INSURANCE!!!
We got a few quotes that were all £1,300 + and a few around £1,000 before trying gocompare again, and we were amazed. We managed to find a quote that instead of being 2 or 3 times the value of the car, was also around the £600 mark! For a first time driver! On a provisional license! That pretty much sold it to me I must say ;)

Nevertheless, we drove round Exeter today just to see if we could see anything else in our price range and after nearly 6 hours the only thing we'd found was a slightly fading P reg Peugeot 106 in worse nick than the N reg 205! Needless to say, I know what car I want :D

So now I have to wait til Monday to see it again, and I CANNOT WAIT!! A family friend who knows a lot more about motors than we do and who used to give my sisters cars a once over, has agreed to come with us when we see it on Monday/Tuesday to give us a second opinion, which the seller said was more than ok. So all being well, as long as it doesn't come out of it's MOT rather poorly and our motor mate doesn't think it's a shit bag, I may have a car very soon :) and insurance! :D

So yes, I am one rather happy and very excited (but tired) young lady :) and you know what...?

It feels pretty damned good.
Here's hoping it lasts.

Now, to try and get some sleep with the added bonus of a jolly long lie in tomorrow morning...Maybe it'll make Monday come faster!!!!!!

Looking up?

First of all I would like to start with a thanks to all of you on here and/or twitter who have been so supportive over the recent months, and especially over the last few days: you're brilliant.

Now to business. As some of you will know I was due in court today in relation to allegations of assualt, as explained in a previous post. My solicitor had expected a caution but instead the police pressed charges. After Monday's devastation of losing Rocky, and staying up into the small hours crying with my mum and waking my dad up with my sobs as it all got a bit too much for me, losing him, I woke up tired and with a headache. We went to the court and I was so utterly nervous.

However, good news was to be had.

After we had booked in and waited for a while, the solicitor who would be representing me called the four of us (my brother came too for support, the star) into a room to talk. He told us that he had written to the prosecution basically saying "come on, we both know this is ridiculous to persue a trial, with no previous convictions and her current personal situation, surely a final warning/caution would be more than enough?". Mum and dad said they had known this but didn't tell me as they didn't want to get my hopes up. He then told me that the prosecution agreed and was happy to let it go back to the police for them to give me a caution (as long as they dont decide to be nasty and still push for trial), meaning no trial, no criminal record, and that this would be over.

I cannot explain the feeling of relief that washed over me...all the tension in my body seemed to disappear and I could have cried (had I not used all my tears up last night over Rocky). I looked up and saw my dad holding back tears ( not very well I might add ) and my mothers relief was plain.

I did still have to go into the court room, but my solicitor explained all I'd have to do would be confirm my name etc and he'd do the rest. Even though I knew the pressure was off, going into that court room was still terrifying. Standing there in front of those people, I was just trembling. My solicior stood after I'd confirmed that, yes I am the person you think I am, and asked for an adjournment. The prosecutor also stood and said he agreed that was the fairest and best plan of action and recommended 3weeks adjournment.
What this means now is that as long as the police agree and don't decide they really really want it to go to trial, I'll be summoned to the police station at some point and be issued a formal warning, or caution. It means I don't have to face going through another trial, and that one shit thing in my life will have gone away. If the police don't give me the caution in time (the 3 week adjournemt period) I'll have to go back to the court and they'll probably just adjourn it again til the police have got round to doing it.

Quite frankly, this is the best result we could have hoped for. Just 24 hours ago I was sitting here sobbing uncontrollably about the loss of my little furry friend (about which I still get teary if I think about him for too long) and worrying about facing court the next day, battling through the trial proceedings, and feeling guilty and worried about whether I'd be able to care for Yoshi enough when I'm still hurting this much for Rocky.
Now, this has all changed.

The other court case (the one where I am the legal 'victim') will be proceeding painfully slowly over the next few months, which is evidently something I will have to face in the future, but I'm feeling stronger.

Regarding Yoshi, things are looking up there too. After last nights breakdown of grief, my dad said that if I wanted we could go back to the pet shop we got Yoshi from and buy one of his brothers. (Personally I think thats partially because dad liked the black ones of the litter and seeing as it was his birthday he wanted one lol) My dad is so lovely to me and he really does want to do anything he can to help me and make me happy.
Admittedly I was a little dubious about it, as I was worried I wouldn't be able to bond with one let alone two little baby rabbits who need me, but after a nice lunch we went by the pet store, and I fell in love with Spud. We thought it was definately wiser to get one of the black ones seeing as the other ones are practically identical to Yoshi, we'd never be able to tell the difference! And Spud fits the bill :)

We brought him home and I could already tell he is completely different to Yoshi - whereas Yoshi was jumping around in the carry box all the way home, Spud just sat there, heart going a mile a minute bless him, but still nonetheless. When we got home I got him out of the box and had a cuddle to calm him down, then took him into the conservatory and put him down to run around. We figured it was wiser to re-introduce them in a space bigger than the hutch (which unfortunately is too small for the two of them at the moment, as it was only meant for one little 'un) as even though the man at the pet shop said that somehow they'd recognize each other and get along fine, we wanted to be able to break them up if needed. Mum got a towel to throw over one or both of them if they got a bit fighty, and I went and got Yoshi. To start with they barely even noticed each other, but then Yoshi hopped over to Spud and started nudging him. We nervously watched them but they just started nuzzling and nipping each other in a friendly way, looking ridiculously adorable.
Watching them both explore the conservatory, which was 100% new for Spud but Yoshi didn't seem to find it any less interesting, I started to realize I could easily love them. Although neither of them will take Rocky's place, in a sense they can. They'll both have completely different personalities to Rocky, as well as (as I can already see) different to each other. (Spud seems much calmer and docile, whereas I can tell Yoshi's gonna be a right trouble maker). But you know what? Thats ok, and I'm excited to get to know these little guys. At the end of the day, they need me, and I need them too.

So all in all, touch wood, things seem to be looking up. The way I'm seeing today's good news as, is that it was Rocky's parting shot. On the way up the great hutch in the sky, he had a word with someone. Something like, "Oy, lay off her. Give her a break, she loved me." or something. I've got to see it like that really. Makes things better somehow.

The next step is to bond with these little fellas, and get them bigger hutch. (And to somehow get Yoshi to stop eating Spud's food when he's got his own, and to let Spud drink! Cheeky sod.)

I want things to get better. I want to feel better, be better. I need to be fixed. I've been so broken for so long, and I'm realising now that I need to help fix myself. I have to fight, no matter how hard it is, because I know I'm worth fighting for. I deserve to live, though some days I have my doubts. You guys are part of my support network, of my healing, my therapy...thank you.



Now here's a picture of the little guys :) Unfortunately, neither of them wanted to stay still at the same time for a photo, so Yoshi' (the white one on the right) is a bit blurred. The black one is Spud :) But as with Rocky, you can expect lots more photos in future :) You'll get to know these babies with me I'm sure.

A soppy moment.

Ok so this doesn't happen too often, but I'm feeling in a very soppy mood right now.
I'm sitting in the car listening to Girls Aloud - Whole Lotta History, on my way to London to see the Girls themselves, thanks to my wonderful friend who bought us tickets to see them for my birthday :) and suddenly feeling rather...happy?

Despite all the shit thats happened to me over the past 5years, and the worst of it over the past 6months, and despite the fact that it's about to get worse before it gets better due to various court cases, and despite the ridiculous ease with which the sun burns me meaning I currently look like a tomato and feel like my skin has been coated with chilli sauce, I suddenly feel content.

I know I have a lot of battles to fight over the coming months, with a court case as a victim thats taken far too long to happen ad another case as a defendant thats happening far too quickly in comparison, as well as having to face the fact that I have to come out to my parents by August 14th* and the fact that a war seems to have been waged once more between my friends and I, and THEN there's all the emotional internal battles I will continue to face, it's days like this I feel like I can cope.

I have two parents who, despite all the history in our family, have really come through for me in these difficult months, and whom I love more than ever.
I have one friend who I have only known for roughly 7 months, but who has become so important to me. She's been through a fair bit herself, and is a brilliant and lovely person.
I have my oldest friend, who despite my occaisonal fears and frustrations that she isn't there for me as much as I need her to be, is really pulling through for me.
I have a few remaining friends who haven't waged war with me, who continue to keep in contact and want to see me. (Its a shame I'm borderline agrophobic most of the time now then lol).
I also have, as many of you will know, the cutest, sweetest, most cuddly and soft rabbit in the world. I neglected him for too long and we're finally building up a relationship again, and I'm realising I am very much a rabbit person :)
And lastly, but by no means leastly, I have you lot. You blog-reading, lovely twittering bunch of freaks ;) amongst who are some of the most caring, wise and lovable people I have ever heard of.

Something has kicked in today that makes me feel capable, invincible almost. I don't know how long this will last, probably not nearly as long as I need it to, but I'm going to drink it in while I can.

As an update to my last post where I told you the events of my birthday and that I was on my way to the police station to hopefully just receive a caution, I have news. And it ain't great. Instead of a caution I am being charged with not one (as I would have expected) but TWO counts of assualt. I won't say too much as I'm in a good mood at the moment and would like it to stay that way, just that I'm due in court in a matter of weeks and am meeting a solicitor next Tuesday to discuss options.

Other than that, I shall bid you farewell for now, although I shall still be on twitter daily :)

I hope everyone enjoys the Bank Holiday weekend, I know I will!

X

*as an explanation; I have to come out to my parents by August 14th as that is the date of my other court case where my sexuality will actually strengthen my case, and I don't want my parents finding something like that out in a public arena.

Birthday's and bail.

Ok so now it's about time.
As some of you will be aware I recently celebrated my birthday, (though I use term 'celebrated' loosely) and it ended a little unsatisfactorily [sic] with me being arrested.
The next day when I tweeted about it I understandably received a lot of questions, all roughly along the lines of 'What Theee Fuck'. And I decided I'd answer. Because today I make bail.


Basically on my birthday I went drinking down at a local pub with a load of friends, then 3 of us moved on into town and went to a club. Ironically enough I was let in for free and given a free shot cos it was my birthday! We weren't in there for long and then everything kicked off. Now something you have to understand is that after the events of new years eve I hate anybody touching me, unwanted or unexpected physical contact freaks me out now. I hate that I hate it but thats the way it is. On that night (ny) I didn't fight back as much as I should have, I was too scared and I couldn't. So on my birthday, this is what happened.

Yes, I was drunk, it was my birthday and I'd been drinking since 12 pm steadily, but I wasn't wankered. One of the friends I was with was staying at my house and the other lived nearby so we were giving him a lift home, and I got a text from my dad at about 12/1am saying him and mum were outside. I found the friends and we began to leave. I got a cigarette out and had it in one hand and my lighter in the other ready to light it as soon as I got outside and all of a sudden -WHAM.

Something slammed into me out of nowhere and pushed me against the wall. "You're leaving!" shouted a womans voice in my ear. This I knew very well, seeing as I was on my way out, and I told her so. "Yes I am, the exit's that way." I went to carry on in the direction of the door when I was pushed again. Something kicked in and I pushed back. Then it all happened so fast. There was hair pulling on both parts, then there were arms holding mine behind my back and an arm across my neck and face, so I bit down hard. I remember going to leave again and a guy stopped me saying "You just assualted one of my bar staff." and I replied along the lines of "Oh yeah of course you'd believe her she works here. I'm just someone who comes and spends all her money here!" Then I got angry again and the next thing I know hands are all over me and I'm being pushed against a wall. I'm growling and screaming an someone kicks the backs of my legs to get me to the ground. I'm on the floor and pushed right up against the wall, my arms held behind my back and my face against the wall. Suddenly I can hear my dad and he's trying to get these bouncers off of me because he knows how I can't stand people touching me. I remember being pretty much in hysterics and shouting about what happened at NY's and the air was blue with my language. I kept shouting how if they just got off me I'd stay still and do whatever but they pushed me into the floor even more. Next thing I know, I try pulling my hands free once more and experience blinding pain in my wrists as I realize I've been handcuffed. Then I'm dragged to my feet and feel my trousers falling down. I beg the police officers to let me pull them up but they don't. "it's your fathers hands that are on you." they say as my trousers are pulled up. Im then carried off like an animal and thrown in the back of a riot van. On the way to the van I can hear my dad pleading with them, and see a brief flash of my mother being pushed aside as she tries to get to me.

At the station the woman on the desk is a right hard faced bitch. She tells me to take off my jacket and sweatband, put my arms out on the desk and asks me "Have you ever tried to hurt yourself or done so?" I look at my clearly visible scars and say "What do you think." So I have to take my belt off. And empty my pockets of everything which is when I realise my phone has gone missing. I turn and ask the female officer who brought me in if she can get R*****, the officer in charge of my other case. She tells me to take off my shoes.

I'm taken to a cell and I sit on the floor crying and for some reason, praying out loud. At one point I ask God if he's punishing me for being gay, and tell him I'll be straight if he just makes everything stop.
After a while I climb onto the hard bed and try to sleep. 2 minutes later I throw up over the side of the bed and pretty much pass out.

Sometime the next day I meet with the solicitor, am questioned, have finger prints and mug shots taken and then I'm taken back to my cell. The vomit is still there.

Eventually, at what turns out to be 5pm (I was questioned at 11 and told it shouldn't be too much longer before I can go home) I'm released. Everything is given back to me including, (and I found this odd) the two pieces of ID that weren't mine. My parents are there, hug me and take me home.

Since then, my parents have said they're not angry with me, they understand, and more than anything they're worried this is going to send me backwards in my recovery as it were.

Now I'm on my way to the police station to answer bail. I've been told that it's more than likely I'll just be given a caution, due to the fact that this is my first offence, my age and other circumstances. If I am given a caution, I've been told to accept it. If this is the case, there will be a part of me that wants to fight this. I have always had a very high sense of injustice and it has kicked in over all this. I accept I did wrong but not that it was unprovoked and started by me, so I may have to swallow what remaining pride I have left in my life and take it. At least that way this latest fuck up in my life will be over.
We shall have to see.

I've left out a lot of what I want to say but I've said a lot that I needed to say too. I expect I'll be posting again this evening with what happens at the police station.

Off the cuff - hang on.

So this is just going to be a brief precursor to something bigger brewing which is likely to come to fruition over the next few days, but just need a splurge.

Those of you on twitter will be aware that my birthday celebrations ended badly, and as a result of this I am in a somewhat SHIT state of mind, which may/will undoubtedly come across in my tweets. Please excuse and allow this (hopefully) temporary blip in normal service. I hope that in time I will get back to being my normal sparkling, witty, scintilating self. *cough cough* WTF is normal anyway? I digress...

In other words, I have a lot to work through at the moment and while in an ideal world it would not keep me down for long, it would seem that, as has been regrettably proved many times over recent months, this is far from an ideal world, so I will be down but not-yet-but-I-wouldn't-hold-your-breath-if-I-were-you out (you may take a breath now).

I am hoping to write a much needed longer entry sometime soon, as much for my benefit as for that of my readers, though I thank those of you who have expressed concern, interest and desire to read the sordid details of my life ;)
I find blogging rather theraputic...aside from the benefits of normal therapy and counselling, it provides (in my case) an annonymous platform to splurge/divludge/spill/bleed my woes that thus far in my life has proved beneficial to me.

Many people on here and twitter have come to mean a lot to me, not only for their own inspirational strengths and lives, but also for what seems to be a genuine care and concern for me. Some of these people have been so very supportive to me, and as most of you reading this are likely to be older and (possibly) wiser than me, the nuggets of advice I have received I am most grateful for.

Basically I'm rambling now, which was not my intention. I merely came to say that while I am working through shit, please bear with me. I find this (albeit rather public) arena useful to me, and would dearly love to feel the same about it for some time to come. As I say, I will be writing a bit of an explanation of what's been going on soon, an while part of my reason for doing so is rooted in the fact that people have asked me "what's going on?", it is mostly because I need to say a lot.

Thank you for being so patient, kind and caring. And to those of you I mentioned earlier re being important twitter people, I think some of you know who you are. Please don't ever go away, or change :)

H.

Update pt1 - 'Friendlings.'

So hello everyone! Apologies for not having written anything in so long, I just haven't really been up to/able to translate anything I'm feeling or anything that's been going on into words recently, but have finally decided to just bite the bullet and have a go!

This first part of my life update (thats right, first part [to be fair I didnt intend this to be as long as it transpired, but what can you do] so settle down with a drink and nibbles...) is on the friend front. I'm not really sure where things are to be honest. After the last friend-related blog entry things seemed to settle down with some of the friends and I was just getting on with things, but then last Thursday happened. Now, I'm not meaning to sound like a moaner but over the past few months I have been really struggling emotionally and NONE of my friends have really cared or fully been there, I've been in the same place everyday all day (at home) yet no one has bothered to call or come round or anything, but last Thursday things went a bit awol. I discovered in the day that a friend's boyfriend (lets say friend A) had broken up with her the previous Monday, and she was going out that night with friend B and C for a few drinks at the pub then on into town. I agreed to come to the pub for multiple reasons, 1) to see and be there for my recently single friend (she has always been one to take break ups hard, and as she'd been with this guy for well over a year we were all expecting her to be feeling low), 2) to see friends B and C who I havent seen for a while and 'patch things up' with B from a few days previously and 3) even my parents agreed it'd do me good to get out of the house for a bit. So I go to the pub, play some pool, chat a bit, drink a bit, friend A seems to be holding up ok apart from the occaisonal "I want to caaaaallll hhiiiiiiim" outburst prompting all of us to dive and cover all phones, and then B pulls me out for a cigarette. Now as you can guess this was just a ruse to talk to me, and so she does. Now bear in mind I'd told them all before I arrived I was getting picked up at 11 as I wasnt feeling great so wouldnt be going out 'on the lash' with them, so imagine my slight annoyance when I'm told that she doesnt think it entirely fair that I'm not coming out to help them 'look after' and to 'be there' for friend A. However, me being me, I relented to her clearly compelling arguements (cough cough) and arranged to go into town. (Cue annoyed parents at changes of plan, understandably). Then when we get into town I get a call from another friend that I didnt even know was out that night, asking if any of us knew where friend H (my best/oldest friend) was because they couldnt find her. Now in light of what happened to me, I (quite understandably in my opinion) went a bit crazy and got angry with them. This lot have a very selfish mentality when it comes to going out and getting into places (as we are all underage :s) whereby if one gets in one stays in, dontcha know. So she'd been left outside and now it was up to us to search for her. Of course I would glady search for her, but I'm scared of being around town on my own after dark and everyone else was convinced she'd be fine (she'd left her phone at a friends house so was uncontactable) and I was also getting "this is supposed to be A's night Holly*, dont worry about H she'll be fine" in my ear. I also recieved a shouty phone call from friend D telling me I was being unfar; I hung up soon after. So reluctantly I agreed to come with the lot I was with to attempt getting into one of the local gay bars (surprisingly, their idea, not mine). On our way there I spotted a familiar looking figure on the other side of the road further on; we all screamed H's name and the figure looked up. Now I am by no means the fastest runner but when it comes to friends (this one in particular; we've known each other since we were foetuses - literally) I'm there as fast as possible, hence I was the first to her and didnt let go of her until everyone else caught up with us and bundled us :) funtimes. So I get out my phone to text friends D, E & F that we've found H only to see a text from D; "Holly* stop being a bitch for once in your life, why are you fucking having a go at us?" etc etc. Naturally, quite angry, I simply sent a rather curt text to her and E simply saying "we've found her." Then we didnt get into the club because it was closed so we started making our way back down the highstreet. On our way down, myself, B and C were walking together and I was talking to C when we suddenly realised B wasnt there. I span around only to see her snogging the face off some random guy. Ok so I'm no prude, but after new years I get really pissed off and worried, quite frankly, when my friends still 'get off with' an average of 3 guys a night each, all guys they've never met before, and always when they're completely trashed. So C and I go to get B as we were losing the others and needed to catch up, only this guy didnt seem to want to finish with B's face anytime soon. Feeling my temper rising, I told him very firmly to get off her. He didn't. She turned round and looked at us somewhat sheepishly. "Whaaat?" she says. "Just leave me alone Holly*". By this point she is quite drunk, understand, and this guy is grinning at me all slimy and innocent which just riles me further. C implores her we need to get going but she doesnt listen. Nor does this guy. So I drag him off her with a little difficulty but when Im angry enough I get strength from somewhere. B protests and so does he, in his own hilarious grinning way, and he goes to square up to me. I get there first and tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off. He laughs and slopes across the road getting his phone out. C has moved on a bit further and calls to us to hurry up. B and I start walking and she starts moaning at me "whats your problem etc" "if you think I'm a slag just say so". So I tell her, yeah I think you can be a bit of a slag to be honest, but Im not allowed to say that am I cos then Im a bitch. I just worry about you and I dont think you get that. So the two of us ended up having a bit of a shouting match in the middle of the street with that guy still hanging around (so I shout at him to bugger off at regular intervals; "you aint getting any from either of us so fuck off mate" etc. yeah I know, Im 'ard ;) haha) and we argue for a bit more, her not making much sense in her drunkeness and me feeling increasingly out of control and heading towards another melt down. A voice far off calls to B and she toddle off in the middle of a sentence, so I walk the other way and start rolling a fag round a slight corner so I dont have to deal with whoever it is. Soon after I hear B asking some guy for a fag. "How desperate are you darling?" comes the response. Drunk and confused she replies "What? Have you got a fag I can have or not?" Again his lewd response, "I said how desperate are you darling?". Fearing my point about the dangers of random men was about to be proved, I peered round the corner to assess the situation. She seems a safe distance away and there are other people around...including two people I'd rather not have seen; sender of last weeks nasty email F and sender of nasty text D. I can tell you now, the way they both looked at me...it nearly killed me. It was like a mocking look, like "god she's pathetic, and weird, and hateful, and a bitch" etc. Instead of dying, I just burst into tears. I dont know where all the tears came from, but come they did. Any form of cigarette rolling fell from my hands and I started sliding down the wall. As my knees weakened I was aware of someone approaching; ironically enough, it was the first guy who had 'met' B and I had told to fuck off, he came over with his hand outstretched "Hey...you ok?" The next thing I know, I hear F & D - "Oy leave her alone" "Just fuck off" "Get away from her". More than slightly shocked I tried to steady myself, but there was no need. The next thing I hear, instead of them coming to me and asking if I was ok, was F saying to D, "Im so taking some of the credit for that, we got him to leave her alone." At least D had the sense to tell her to shut up. At that, my knees completely failed and a fresh wave of tears swept over me. B suddenly materialised (without a cigarette; she has some sense then) and fell to her knees beside me, trying to put an arm around me. Sobering slightly, she tells F & D "Guys I dont really think this is the right time." They ignore her. "No B we need to talk to her. This isnt fair. We've tried talking to her but theres never a right time is there?" "Yeah and now isnt it either." The whole conversation is pretty much burnt into my mind. The worst part was when, between insults, they told me "We've given you so many chances." That hurt. They've given ME chances? Who's the one grappling with homophobic friends with shit for brains and a space where their hearts should be, at the same time as balancing anti depressants with sleeping pills and the worry of court dates and HIV tests and the fact that because of all this I am going to HAVE to come out to my parents (more on that later) and the fact that I cant sleep even with the pills and I jump at every little noise and I barely leave the house because I cant deal with people and I cant make decisions even as simple as which fucking foot to put which sock on and the fact that Im failing college and probably starting again from scratch next year and that I feel like Im losing everything? I know grammer got fucked up the arse there but you get the point. Everytime they hurt me I go back to them. I forgive them. Even though each time in my heart of hearts I want to talk to them and tell them how I feel, I dont, because they're not good at that. So they've given ME chances? Fuck off. Eventually they say they have to get going to be home on time, but whenever I'm "ready to apologise and sort things out" I know where they are. B goes to say goodbye to them, and I cant stop crying. My heart literally felt like they'd just played football with it. I didnt know what else to do, so I got out my phone and called my parents. One good thing that has come out of all this shit is that my relationship with my parents has improved no end. I love them to peices, they could not have been better at dealing with all this. They were the only people I could turn to. In tears, I begged my dad to come and pick me up. Calmly, (though who knows what horrors were going through his head as his daughter rang home in tears begging for him to come and get her) he asked where I was and said they'd be there any minute. Time could not have passed slower. B came back and I told her I was going home, but then I realised that the people she was supposed to be staying with were long gone, so I called C (because even though I was near hysterical I was in a better state for phonecalls than drunken B) and asked her to send A & H back for B. A & H arrived to get B and were no doubt bemused as to what the fuck had happened. I couldnt stop crying still. Moments later, I hear a commotion, look up and see the welcome sight of my fathers arms. He helps me up, barely able to look at my friends (cant blame him, they were a right drunken state, a disgrace to be honest. more on that later...) and holds me for a minute, though I know he just wants to get me into the car and home as soon as possible. B stumbles with us to the car and dad thanks her as we get in the car. He gets in the back with me and I sob into his shoulder. I was a mess. Again. God knows how mum managed to drive home without asking 5000000000 millions questions, but she did. We got home and I just cried and told them what had happened and how I was not coping with anything at all and needed them so bad. I literally cannot describe how I was feeling at the time. My heart actually hurt. But mum and dad were there. At 3am they listened to me, hugged me when I wanted and held a hand on my shoulder when I couldnt hug, supplied copious tissues and water, and when it was time, mum came and tucked me into bed and rubbed the back of my neck like she used to when I was a baby until I fell asleep.

The next day I just stayed curled in bed for as long as possible until I had to get ready to go to the theatre with mum. Mum and dad really picked me up in the day, so by the time we went to the theatre I felt at least semi-human enough to enjoy the play. The only downer being that D was there too so I avoided her like the plague and mum understood when I asked her if we could basically make a mad dash to leave at the end. Since then a lot of other stuff has happened, but right now it is 0248 and I need some sleep! Apologies for the length of this post, but I cant promise the next ones will be any shorter! I will crack on with those as soon as I can tomorrow, for my sake as well as your entertainment (;) lol) as I feel I might be on a roll now and need an emotion-dump :) classy phrasing I know.

Coming up; anti depressants, police officers and coming out! yaaaaaay.
*sarcy and ironic face* (shut up, thats a possible expression and you know it).

Til tomorrow...