Monday, 27 April 2009

A 'poem'.

For some reason this evening, I felt like sharing (for the first time on blogger) a 'poem' of mine. I put the word poem in inverted comma's because I always feel there is a stigma attached to the word and though I'm unsure why, I don't like using that word to describe what I do. But that is what I do so tough luck for me I suppose.

This 'poem' was the first thing I wrote after the events of NY'sE, and it took me quite a while to work up the courage to post it on my livejournal, but after I did it seemed to be fairly well received, so now after the weeks/months I've spent jabbering on at you lovely lot over here, I though I'd test the waters concerning my 'poetry'. So here you are. Feel free/please leaves comments letting me know what you think, when it comes to my 'poetry' my favourite bit is the feedback.

EDIT: If this seems to be received well, I have many more to share, including some personal favourites.


Curled up under a tree
next to a lily pond;
wish away the hours gone,
by a claw with one finger.

Breath in the green
of the silken, shattered fronds
and feel them shudder
in the lungs.

Rest easier in the arms of oak
and grass,
a plentiful safe house
of nature and nurturing tongues;
no evil, no fear.

Pass time with passing insects
always feared before
now not so much.

Not so much as the claw
with poison dripping
and bastard strength, poised
to steal from anyone
without thought.

A bag of barrels
hidden under a bushel, ne'er

You're disturbed,
you bastard.

You've peturbed, left me
is all I can fathom.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Oh dear

So i'm about to go out for the afternoon with mum when she gets a phone call saying that the flat above my nans (where she currently isn't as she's in hospital) may have leaked water into her flat. So mum drives over to let the workmen in to have a look. She comes back and picks me up and we drive to Dawlish Warren. On the way there she says "I dunno, I wonder what life's gonna throw at me next. Wonder what crap I'm going to have to deal with next." ... I guess I won't be coming out to her tonight anymore then... :s

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Update pt1 - 'Friendlings.'

So hello everyone! Apologies for not having written anything in so long, I just haven't really been up to/able to translate anything I'm feeling or anything that's been going on into words recently, but have finally decided to just bite the bullet and have a go!

This first part of my life update (thats right, first part [to be fair I didnt intend this to be as long as it transpired, but what can you do] so settle down with a drink and nibbles...) is on the friend front. I'm not really sure where things are to be honest. After the last friend-related blog entry things seemed to settle down with some of the friends and I was just getting on with things, but then last Thursday happened. Now, I'm not meaning to sound like a moaner but over the past few months I have been really struggling emotionally and NONE of my friends have really cared or fully been there, I've been in the same place everyday all day (at home) yet no one has bothered to call or come round or anything, but last Thursday things went a bit awol. I discovered in the day that a friend's boyfriend (lets say friend A) had broken up with her the previous Monday, and she was going out that night with friend B and C for a few drinks at the pub then on into town. I agreed to come to the pub for multiple reasons, 1) to see and be there for my recently single friend (she has always been one to take break ups hard, and as she'd been with this guy for well over a year we were all expecting her to be feeling low), 2) to see friends B and C who I havent seen for a while and 'patch things up' with B from a few days previously and 3) even my parents agreed it'd do me good to get out of the house for a bit. So I go to the pub, play some pool, chat a bit, drink a bit, friend A seems to be holding up ok apart from the occaisonal "I want to caaaaallll hhiiiiiiim" outburst prompting all of us to dive and cover all phones, and then B pulls me out for a cigarette. Now as you can guess this was just a ruse to talk to me, and so she does. Now bear in mind I'd told them all before I arrived I was getting picked up at 11 as I wasnt feeling great so wouldnt be going out 'on the lash' with them, so imagine my slight annoyance when I'm told that she doesnt think it entirely fair that I'm not coming out to help them 'look after' and to 'be there' for friend A. However, me being me, I relented to her clearly compelling arguements (cough cough) and arranged to go into town. (Cue annoyed parents at changes of plan, understandably). Then when we get into town I get a call from another friend that I didnt even know was out that night, asking if any of us knew where friend H (my best/oldest friend) was because they couldnt find her. Now in light of what happened to me, I (quite understandably in my opinion) went a bit crazy and got angry with them. This lot have a very selfish mentality when it comes to going out and getting into places (as we are all underage :s) whereby if one gets in one stays in, dontcha know. So she'd been left outside and now it was up to us to search for her. Of course I would glady search for her, but I'm scared of being around town on my own after dark and everyone else was convinced she'd be fine (she'd left her phone at a friends house so was uncontactable) and I was also getting "this is supposed to be A's night Holly*, dont worry about H she'll be fine" in my ear. I also recieved a shouty phone call from friend D telling me I was being unfar; I hung up soon after. So reluctantly I agreed to come with the lot I was with to attempt getting into one of the local gay bars (surprisingly, their idea, not mine). On our way there I spotted a familiar looking figure on the other side of the road further on; we all screamed H's name and the figure looked up. Now I am by no means the fastest runner but when it comes to friends (this one in particular; we've known each other since we were foetuses - literally) I'm there as fast as possible, hence I was the first to her and didnt let go of her until everyone else caught up with us and bundled us :) funtimes. So I get out my phone to text friends D, E & F that we've found H only to see a text from D; "Holly* stop being a bitch for once in your life, why are you fucking having a go at us?" etc etc. Naturally, quite angry, I simply sent a rather curt text to her and E simply saying "we've found her." Then we didnt get into the club because it was closed so we started making our way back down the highstreet. On our way down, myself, B and C were walking together and I was talking to C when we suddenly realised B wasnt there. I span around only to see her snogging the face off some random guy. Ok so I'm no prude, but after new years I get really pissed off and worried, quite frankly, when my friends still 'get off with' an average of 3 guys a night each, all guys they've never met before, and always when they're completely trashed. So C and I go to get B as we were losing the others and needed to catch up, only this guy didnt seem to want to finish with B's face anytime soon. Feeling my temper rising, I told him very firmly to get off her. He didn't. She turned round and looked at us somewhat sheepishly. "Whaaat?" she says. "Just leave me alone Holly*". By this point she is quite drunk, understand, and this guy is grinning at me all slimy and innocent which just riles me further. C implores her we need to get going but she doesnt listen. Nor does this guy. So I drag him off her with a little difficulty but when Im angry enough I get strength from somewhere. B protests and so does he, in his own hilarious grinning way, and he goes to square up to me. I get there first and tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off. He laughs and slopes across the road getting his phone out. C has moved on a bit further and calls to us to hurry up. B and I start walking and she starts moaning at me "whats your problem etc" "if you think I'm a slag just say so". So I tell her, yeah I think you can be a bit of a slag to be honest, but Im not allowed to say that am I cos then Im a bitch. I just worry about you and I dont think you get that. So the two of us ended up having a bit of a shouting match in the middle of the street with that guy still hanging around (so I shout at him to bugger off at regular intervals; "you aint getting any from either of us so fuck off mate" etc. yeah I know, Im 'ard ;) haha) and we argue for a bit more, her not making much sense in her drunkeness and me feeling increasingly out of control and heading towards another melt down. A voice far off calls to B and she toddle off in the middle of a sentence, so I walk the other way and start rolling a fag round a slight corner so I dont have to deal with whoever it is. Soon after I hear B asking some guy for a fag. "How desperate are you darling?" comes the response. Drunk and confused she replies "What? Have you got a fag I can have or not?" Again his lewd response, "I said how desperate are you darling?". Fearing my point about the dangers of random men was about to be proved, I peered round the corner to assess the situation. She seems a safe distance away and there are other people around...including two people I'd rather not have seen; sender of last weeks nasty email F and sender of nasty text D. I can tell you now, the way they both looked at nearly killed me. It was like a mocking look, like "god she's pathetic, and weird, and hateful, and a bitch" etc. Instead of dying, I just burst into tears. I dont know where all the tears came from, but come they did. Any form of cigarette rolling fell from my hands and I started sliding down the wall. As my knees weakened I was aware of someone approaching; ironically enough, it was the first guy who had 'met' B and I had told to fuck off, he came over with his hand outstretched " ok?" The next thing I know, I hear F & D - "Oy leave her alone" "Just fuck off" "Get away from her". More than slightly shocked I tried to steady myself, but there was no need. The next thing I hear, instead of them coming to me and asking if I was ok, was F saying to D, "Im so taking some of the credit for that, we got him to leave her alone." At least D had the sense to tell her to shut up. At that, my knees completely failed and a fresh wave of tears swept over me. B suddenly materialised (without a cigarette; she has some sense then) and fell to her knees beside me, trying to put an arm around me. Sobering slightly, she tells F & D "Guys I dont really think this is the right time." They ignore her. "No B we need to talk to her. This isnt fair. We've tried talking to her but theres never a right time is there?" "Yeah and now isnt it either." The whole conversation is pretty much burnt into my mind. The worst part was when, between insults, they told me "We've given you so many chances." That hurt. They've given ME chances? Who's the one grappling with homophobic friends with shit for brains and a space where their hearts should be, at the same time as balancing anti depressants with sleeping pills and the worry of court dates and HIV tests and the fact that because of all this I am going to HAVE to come out to my parents (more on that later) and the fact that I cant sleep even with the pills and I jump at every little noise and I barely leave the house because I cant deal with people and I cant make decisions even as simple as which fucking foot to put which sock on and the fact that Im failing college and probably starting again from scratch next year and that I feel like Im losing everything? I know grammer got fucked up the arse there but you get the point. Everytime they hurt me I go back to them. I forgive them. Even though each time in my heart of hearts I want to talk to them and tell them how I feel, I dont, because they're not good at that. So they've given ME chances? Fuck off. Eventually they say they have to get going to be home on time, but whenever I'm "ready to apologise and sort things out" I know where they are. B goes to say goodbye to them, and I cant stop crying. My heart literally felt like they'd just played football with it. I didnt know what else to do, so I got out my phone and called my parents. One good thing that has come out of all this shit is that my relationship with my parents has improved no end. I love them to peices, they could not have been better at dealing with all this. They were the only people I could turn to. In tears, I begged my dad to come and pick me up. Calmly, (though who knows what horrors were going through his head as his daughter rang home in tears begging for him to come and get her) he asked where I was and said they'd be there any minute. Time could not have passed slower. B came back and I told her I was going home, but then I realised that the people she was supposed to be staying with were long gone, so I called C (because even though I was near hysterical I was in a better state for phonecalls than drunken B) and asked her to send A & H back for B. A & H arrived to get B and were no doubt bemused as to what the fuck had happened. I couldnt stop crying still. Moments later, I hear a commotion, look up and see the welcome sight of my fathers arms. He helps me up, barely able to look at my friends (cant blame him, they were a right drunken state, a disgrace to be honest. more on that later...) and holds me for a minute, though I know he just wants to get me into the car and home as soon as possible. B stumbles with us to the car and dad thanks her as we get in the car. He gets in the back with me and I sob into his shoulder. I was a mess. Again. God knows how mum managed to drive home without asking 5000000000 millions questions, but she did. We got home and I just cried and told them what had happened and how I was not coping with anything at all and needed them so bad. I literally cannot describe how I was feeling at the time. My heart actually hurt. But mum and dad were there. At 3am they listened to me, hugged me when I wanted and held a hand on my shoulder when I couldnt hug, supplied copious tissues and water, and when it was time, mum came and tucked me into bed and rubbed the back of my neck like she used to when I was a baby until I fell asleep.

The next day I just stayed curled in bed for as long as possible until I had to get ready to go to the theatre with mum. Mum and dad really picked me up in the day, so by the time we went to the theatre I felt at least semi-human enough to enjoy the play. The only downer being that D was there too so I avoided her like the plague and mum understood when I asked her if we could basically make a mad dash to leave at the end. Since then a lot of other stuff has happened, but right now it is 0248 and I need some sleep! Apologies for the length of this post, but I cant promise the next ones will be any shorter! I will crack on with those as soon as I can tomorrow, for my sake as well as your entertainment (;) lol) as I feel I might be on a roll now and need an emotion-dump :) classy phrasing I know.

Coming up; anti depressants, police officers and coming out! yaaaaaay.
*sarcy and ironic face* (shut up, thats a possible expression and you know it).

Til tomorrow...

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Packed weekend complete with good news x2!

This weekend has been busy; family, musicals, football, more and more family, (cue cigarettes) and ice skating (done by professionals, not me; I like my bones INTACT) and some important phone calls. This blog post is not recount the events of the weekend in detail (that will be later) it is to pour out a bit of emotion. On Sunday I took a break from familial mingling and went for a cigarette, taking the time to call back the officer in charge of my case who'd been trying to get hold of me. Long conversation short, he told me that the bastard is being charged. (I wont say anything more). My legs buckled and I had to grab the nearest bollard to stand. After he explained various things and details of what this meant, I zoned out a little. After speaking to him, I rang my father who was inside and asked him and mum to come outside. A bit confused, they did, and I told them what had transpired. Cue group hug and general on-the-brink-of-tears-ness. I cant really explain what I felt then...just felt a sense of numb relief I think. And now today, I got my blood test results back...the same sense of relief descended on me. If I'm honest, I dont know where my head is at at the minute. I'm 16 (nearly 17 :D) and I feel about 40 or something. I've been through a lot in the last 6 years, with the last 6 months being, quite frankly, horrific to get through. Thats not me be self pitying or shit like that, its the truth. People keep telling me that its a testament to my character that I'm still here despite it all, but the truth of that is that although yes, I'm here in a literal sense, as in, I havent killed myself yet, I dont always feel completely like I'm I was prescribed anti-depressants last week...I'm 16. "Depression is an illness". You can keep telling me that all you like, but that doesnt mean I'll be ok with it. I know that being diagnosed with a problem means that I can finally start addressing it, but its hard. I know that in some ways I've got it easy, that I'm not dying or anything...though in some ways, I think a part of me already died. Part of me has been dying, slowly but surely, for the past 6 years, perhaps actually longer. But another part of me, died that night. It died the night I had something stolen from me, something I'll never get back. No possession, no money, nothing material. More than that. Something that no one had a right to take. But I cant feel angry. I dont know why. I just cant get angry yet. Maybe theres a part of me that feels I deserved it or something, I dont know. Its a greiving process I guess, and Im just not at the angry stage yet.

Oh shit. I totally didnt mean this blog post to be what its turned out to be. Sorry. I'm too tired to make enough sense right now, but I have a lot I need to say. I will say it, just not now. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not. We'll see.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009


Some of you on twitter will be aware that I'm having a little difficulty with my 'friends' at the moment, and early twitpic-ed a screenshot of a facebook status that I found upsetting;
The red box is my (real) name. Names and faces have been covered blah blah blah. Shortly after this the girl whose status this was struck up a little chat convo with me asking me 'how my night was last night' before 'drunkenly' slurring and saying she was 'completely bungalowed'. Upon my asking what she wanted she said it was not really her, I asked who it was; no answer. A little confused and more than a little angry, I checked the status again. The original "Lol I hate -----" had been removed and replaced. I replied. She replied to my reply;Since that I have not replied (what can you say to that ridiculousness?) and she has proceeded to parade around facebook being a complete DICK. As of yet, I am unsure if it is actually her, or one of her/our equally small minded friends who has hacked into her account and used it to have a good old laugh at every one else's expenses.

So there you have it. Just felt like explaining this. Any views? Will update this saga in due course. LOL.

Sunday, 5 April 2009


For my severe lack of blog entries over the recent weeks. I have been meaning to sit down and write out several entries, all likely to be very long, but have just not been able to find the time or the energy. Still dont have either right now. For the last few weeks I've been struggling a lot; with friends, family, myself...pretty much everything. I'm getting to the point where I'm just feeling tired of everything, and everything's stacking up. Mostly as a result of what happened at NY's but to be honest I think that was just a trigger that exacerbated existing and underlying problems. Right now though I need to get some sleep, and try not to get too worried about tomorrow; put it this way, the test results I get back tomorrow are for something that I never thought I would have to be tested for at the age of 16, if ever, something that I wouldn't have to have been tested for if it weren't for what happened, and is something that takes approximately 3 months to test for; "do the math". And although its like 99.999999% likely to be negative, I cant help but worry a little. (Although according to my friends, I'm worrying for nothing at all and being stupid, cheers.)
So for now, goodnight, because I fucking need my sleep right now. I will post again tomorrow (hopefully, twitters know I've been saying that most days for weeks) all being well, and will more than likely have a lot to say if I do. Too tired. Laters.