Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Sleeping to a final warning.

Firstly, you may notice that this blog has changed colour :) I've been debating since this blog's inception whether to go for the black or white, and having initially gone for the white I decided to change for a while. Whimsical, I know.

I realise I haven't really properly updated in a while, and its not because I've been tremendously busy, but due to lack of energy really. All this sitting around, sleeping, watching television and doing bugger all can really take it out of a girl. But seeing as I'm awake at half 3 in the morning again unable to sleep, just for a change, I thought I might as well.
As you may be aware, sleep has been a real problem for me recently. I've never been the greatest sleeper, and while I was at high school (especially in the last two years) I would usually get to sleep at about midnight and then have to be up at about 6.30AM; cue falling asleep in various lessons. My sleep pattern didn't really fix any when I moved up to college, in fact it got worse. Whereas I'd usually struggle to sleep before midnight, it was now nearer 1AM before I'd finally feel able to sleep, and then I'd hate getting up in the mornings (though you could just put that down to me being a typical teenager).
Now my sleep pattern is basically a pile of stinking, humming shit. I'm lucky if I get to sleep before 3AM most nights, but more frequently I find myself still not able to sleep at about 4/4.30AM. Last night I was still awake at 5AM.

It's really actually a problem; besides the obvious annoyance of not being able to get to sleep, it means that I'm often still asleep in bed approaching mid-day, so I'm losing out. But its a destructive pattern. I cant get to sleep but then I do I wake up late, but then I'm still up at stupid-o'clock so I'm up late again...etc. And it's not like I'm not tired at 3 in the morning, of course I am, but apparently with my body feeling so utterly tired that my eyes are burning and my muscles are screaming, isn't possibly good enough to warrant sleep. I can be so tired that my eyes are closing, but the minute I lay down in that bed, I wont sleep. It's endlessly frustrating, so that becomes a cycle of its own.
I was prescribed some fairly mild sleeping tablets a while back, at my own request, but for some reason I'm too scared to take them. Although some days I feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up again, when I think about taking the sleeping tablet, I'm petrified that I wont wake up. Rationally, of course I know it wont happen, but there's a part of me that says, "So what if doctors and scientists have done tests, so what if this is a mild dose, what if there's something weird about my body and I have a reaction and dont wake up?" etc. Mad I know.

So I here I am stuck in another quandry, a ridiculous and frustrating cycle that I cant break. Might as well put it to good use, right?

The last you heard from me was a short boring post generally updating you on my life's more mundane going-ons, and that all still stands. That whole list of things I want to get done is still just as long, minus maybe one or two magazines from the stack. It's another current frustration that there are things I need and want to get done, to start doing things and getting back to normal again, but I just have no energy. Some of that is due to the weight issues too, but thats for another day.

I guess the main thing to report is regarding the assault saga. As you may remember, as it recently stood, I went to court and my solicitor recommended, in simpletons terms, that the fact I was being charged was ridiculous seeing as I've never been in trouble before and in light of recent events, and that I should receive a final warning at most. The prosecution agreed and the court agreed to a three week adjournment. The papers would be sent to the police for them to arrange for me to go to my local police station on one the slots on Tuesdays where they give out final warnings, to be given mine. If I didnt hear from the police in the three weeks alloted I would have to go back to court this Wednesday for it to be adjourned yet again until the police get their arses in gear.

Last Thursday I had an appointment with my support worker for my other case, and I mentioned to her that I hadnt yet heard from the police and I would ideally like to not have to go back to court again, so she said that she'd try and find out what was happening, seeing as part of her job is that she has a bit of influence with the police. The next day I got a phone call from her to tell me that she'd had a word with a friendly officer who would get me on the list for this Tuesday's time slot, and that as a letter would take too long to reach me before Wednesday's court date, an officer would have to come round and inform me. Apparently this kind of situation cant be handled over the telephone, it has to be done in person. The officer she had spoken to, however, works nights, so unless he could assign it to another officer on patrol I would be getting a knock on the door some time after 10pm. In some ways this would have been preferable, as the neighbours would have been less likely to see uniformed cops at the door and wonder what was going on (as it was, my next door neighbours, the nosiest and most gossipy neighbours ever known to live next door to anyone, were away, but there are other eyes around!), but alas, things never go simply for me do they. Shortly after she spoke to me on the phone the doorbell rang. Now I'm not too keen on people at the moment, and seeing as I jump and get nervous over most noises I was more than a little nervous when I heard it go. But upon popping my head round the living room doorframe it was obvious who it was. I really had to try not to laugh though when I opened the door to see a male officer about 7ft tall and a female officer who was about 4ft tall. They couldn't have been all that much more pc if they'd tried. They did the usual "are you so-and-so? You were accused of blah-de-blah" and then told me that I had to go to my local police station at 6.30PM that Tuesday to receive a final warning. As soon as I shut the door to them I immediately panicked - did they say 6.30? or was it 6? half 5? no, definately half 6...yes? Silly fool.
From the kitchen I could then see them loitering outside my gate for a good 5 minutes as they radioed on their walkie talkies, and I mentally thanked them for adding to the neighbourly intrigue.

So as of 6.30PM today (being Tuesday, thanks to stupid o'clock) one nasty chapter will be over. As long as all runs to plan. Which I really shouldn't have just said should I?...bugger. One nasty chapter of this tiring, gloomy, dragging slog of a book that I like to call my life, will be over. It's just one more strange, nasty and surreal chapter, but I can at least say goodbye to it.

For now, I am going to have a technically-not-allowed cigarette out of the window, and then try and get to sleep. I expect to wake up at around 2PM tomorrow. Of course, what happens when I do get to sleep, well, thats another story for another blog entry, for another day...

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