Sunday, 14 March 2010

"And it was all mellow."

Today has been a big day for me in many respects. Well, one mainly.
As some of you may know, over the last year I have become virtually a recluse. A friendless, jobless, meaningless slob. It's only in the last 3 months or so that I have finally been able to pick my self up a little and try and move on with what's left of me life.
My friends ditched me because they were fed up of being friends with a depressed rape victim, basically.
The one friend that did stick around then proceeded to fall in love with me, then break my heart, and then get shitty with me when I couldn't deal with seeing her ever again. (She has since resurfaced once more, saying she'll come round next week. I'm contemplating letting her and trying to talk.)
I dropped out of college, failed my exams, and lost touch with pretty much everyone in my tutor group who I had come to love.

Well... the other week I got invited to go and watch the A2 performance element of two such people at my old college. My first instinct was to say no; I'm not comfortable with groups of more than 5 people, and going back to that theatre where I kicked ass in my AS performance might have been too much for me, not to mention the fact that there would be people there who hate me.
But then I thought again. Here is my chance, I said to myself, to continue on the path called 'moving on', a chance to get back out into the real world.
So I accepted.
True, in all honesty I thought I'd probaby bail closer to the time, but I said yes.
But then the part of me that reminded me this was a chance told me I was NOT going to back out. So I went.
This evening at 5.30pm I entered the building where I had made friends who I then lost, acted my arse of on stage, and brielfy was happy. The first person I saw there was... How do I put this... My arch enemy? The second most hated person in my past? Well, however you want to put it, she was there. I held me head high. Actually I went and sat down with a book and a glass of water as the show didn't start for half an hour, but mentally, that was a head held high.
Then yet more people arrived who I wasn't comfortable seeing, but I steeled myself as best I could.
I entered the theatre just behind them and took seat far away from them. At one point I saw that she turned round to get a good look at fat lonely old me, but I just kept my eyes on the stage.
The performance was great, it really was. And strangely enough, the emotions I expected to feel around it weren't there. I expected to feel sad, and a sense of loss. By rights I should have been on that stage again too, for my A Level in Drama. I expected to miss the acting. Once upon a time I wanted to spend my whole life being someone else on a stage. Part of me still does, but I didn't feel it tonight. Instead, I smiled, and laughed, and grieved only a little.
Afterwards, I had to practically sprint to the toilet as part of the diet I'm on involved keeping very well hydrated, which then consequently leads to peeing all the live long day.
After that though, I saw my parents had arrived for a lift home. I'd said I was going to stick around after to talk to the two people I came to see, and even though here was an opportunity to flee and say "well, I managed to watch the play, that's good enough" I didn't take it. I stayed and waited.
I watched was one of the girls came out of the dressing room and went to see her friends, also where she was stood. And then she saw me. The group of girls basically averted their gaze, which made me chuckle. They can't bear to see someone happy to see me! And she was! She ran over to me squealing and hugged me, said how pleased she was to see me. I proceeded to tell her how well she'd done, she thanked me, and then we chatted a little about what I'd already mentioned to her about going to see Lady GaGa. I felt relieved. She hadn't blanked me because the others were there, and she didn't try to get away after a minute of talking. Eventually she had to go, but said we'd definately sort something for Lady GaGa.
And then the second girl came out of the dressing room. She had spotted me in the audience when she sat down because she wasn't in the final play at all, and did a double take. Entirely understandable. But she too ran up to me and hugged me. She knew more of how difficult it was for me to be there, and she seemed genuinely happy I had made it. True, it was slightly awkward, it's the first time I've seen her since she told me she'd seen my trial in the paper and I figured that must mean she'd know I'm gay, and then she told me she'd known for a while anywhere but she didn't care. Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe not. But she did seem happy to see me. She told me we must meet up sometime soon, and I told her that I was hoping that in a couple of month before they all fly off to Uni I'll come and see my old tutor group. I so want to seem them all again.

I then came home, and sat reading through all my old texts. Honest to god, not just because I'm a sad old soul, but because I'm a text fiend and have to take screenshots of all my texts so I don't lose them when I wipe my phone so it'll work with the new sim.

As I sat there, I suddenly became aware I wasn't just reading text messages; I was reading my past life. A life that was far from perfect, but was taken from me. And there are things I want back.
I want some of those friendships back. Not all of them by any means, not the damaging ones, but there are some people that when I think of them, and how things were before, my heart breaks a little bit more.
And so I made a decision.
I will text or email both of the girls I saw tonight, and thank them for inviting me, and for being so kind. I shall then ask them both for coffee sometime next week when they are free. I shall then tell them where the fuck I dissappeared to this time last year. I know that in reality I don't owe anyone shit all, but I'm the kind of person who believes that actions need to be explained to the important people in your life. So I will fill in the numerous blanks, and erase the various misconceptions surrounding my life.
I've already found myself half rehearsing what to say to them, in typical me style.
It is something I feel I have to do.
I will then make good on my idea to pick another two friends up from college, drive them home to Dawlish, and hang out with them for a few hours, filling in said blanks and said misconceptions once more.

I feel that mellow, and calm, that comes over me in the moment I take action toward living once more.

The only situation I am still undecided on is the one with L. As I mentioned at the start of his soliloquy, she has recently sent me yet another messge to the effect of "Are you around on X day? If not I'm coming round in the week anyway." I can't honestly see how she hasn't got the message that I don't want to see her anymore. But now I'm wondering if I should see her. Again, reading those text messages has confused everything in my head. She told me that she realized she'd had feelings for me for quite a while, and armed with that knowledge, some texts do make more sense. But am I just imagining things? I know that after all the shit we've been through that a relationship would never work, but what I want to know is, is it wrong to still wish we could? I mean, there was a real chance for us at one point, and she just threw it away. So why can't I just let go? Why does the fact that she's so obviously moved on, so much so that she's now LIVING with her new boyfriend (not the guy I was ditched for even) make me so angry? I mean, she told me that we'd obviously never work because she was ''more than likely'' moving away, but now she's living loved up with some other randomer? The more I think about her, the more I realise that despite all the shit she told me about herself, I really didn't know her.
And what hurts the most? The fact that I wonder now if all those shit friends were right.
I have always considered myself a good judge of character, but they didn't like her from day one. Did I choose to like her to spite them? Were they really right? Are they better judges of character than I? Very little saddens me more than that thought.

So here I ask for advice; what should I do?



  1. Holly, if she is living with this new man of hers don't go there. Sure still meet her if you belive you can push your romantic feelings away, but be careful as if you meet her beliveing that you want to be with her then you will most likely get your heart broken.

  2. I'm going to read this as soon as I get home from work. Sorry, I'm pushed for time this morning as it is! But I'll bookmark it and take a look later. xx

  3. I think you should stand your ground. You dont want to see her and the only reason that youre having second thoughts is because she is pushing it.
    I truly dont think it will make anything better for either of you. Especailly not you. You have gotten this far, I think it will only set you back