Plea.

I just had a phone call telling me what I expected to hear. He's pleading not guilty. The trial has been set for the 23rd September. To be honest, I'm not upset as it's what I fully expected. More than anything I'm annoyed that my driving test had to be booked for the same day. And it's fully sinking in now that that's when I have to have come out to my parents. At least when there was no fixed date I could put it off a bit longer and not really have to think about it, but now I do. I really do. But I can't really think about that now. I've been in a good mood for the past few days and I don't want to ruin it. So tonight I'm going to sit and eat pizza and chocolate and Ben & Jerry's Caramel Chew Chew ice cream and snickers and watch BB10 to see which one of the two people that I can't decide who I hate more gets evicted :) and you lot are gonna keep me company, right?

#followfriday

In anticipation of this and every #followfriday:

Instead of reeling out names every week, and seeing as I often forget to participate properly if at all in #followfriday on Twitter, I thought I’d just write up a list of my favourite followees on Twitter. I’ve done it alphabetically so no one can complain about favouritism :)

I’ll try and add to it to keep it as up to date as possible.

@23graeme23
@Abcmsaj - techy boy, but don't let that put you off :P a lovely soul and great guy.
@Ainz90
@alansheppard
@aliAliALI_
@atomicpoet
@BaconBellyBoy
@belle_lulu - SHE'S BRILLIANT! :)
@BigAssBadger - he thinks I have a nesquik addiction :)
@ComedyBint
@ComedyQueen - has a great blog, always lovely to chat to.
@coy0te - one of the nicest people ever :) been through a fair bit and still standing tall. You MUST follow her.
@Dirtyblondescot - gorgeous, fun and Scottish. Nuff said ;)
@dontforgetchaos - lovely guy, great photographer and a paid night owl :P
@duskyazure
@ElleSergi
@FreeRangeHaggis - randy bugger :P
@Fussy_mummy - she's @SruffyPanther's mum: need I say more?! FOLLOW.
@girl_from_oz - fount of musical knowledge and lovely girl :)
@heronfield
@IrishLad585 - the best of the US :)
@jackfaulkner - apparently mutual love of cars & dinosaurs is grounds for marriage :)
@johubris
@james1512 - one of the kindest souls I know and always on hand for advice :)
@jmroskell - bb fanatic and all round wise man :)
@josianna - a truly special lady. Welcomed me to Twitter and now someone I count as a friend. One of the strongest people I know, a truly amazing person.
@krayfish
@lostsoul815
@markbrown83
@marksvoice - a very wise, caring and funny guy :)
@mikesawriter - just follow him ok! He's wuvly :)
@Mr_Geoff - MR GEOFF! Of Mr Geoff fame! He fuels my Girls Aloud love and is a wonderful person! My life would truly be very different without him.
@NorthLondon
@olafsearson
@PD78
@PembsDave - he's like, twitterfamous, yeah?
@philiplarkin
@PinkTribble - wuvly lady night owl :) she rules the roost!
@Reynolds
@sabbathdei - read his blog. Follow him. Love him!
@SaliWho
@scooby876 - accidentally revealed my true name to him once...SHHHH!!
@ScruffyPanther - LUFFLES! She's amazing. If you don't follow her you need your head checking. Pantherpants :P
@Ste1987 - one of my first followees. A great guy.
@stonefences - a wuvly jubbly chappy :) follow him!
@tezzer57
@timidheathen
@totalgunner - he's a little sweetie ;)
@tylermassey - cool personified. Also twitterfamous.
@Twistedlilkitty
@ukgirlie - crazy crazy brilliant lady, and so caring with it :)
@white_canvas
@xlad - what a sexy guy ;)

Script.

Just thinking about how I want to get writing some scripts again, but I can't think of any stories. Even if I could, I don't feel like I've got the time! I've got driving lessons and tomorrow I'm going to see Ice Age 3 with a friend then I've got to go and see another friend in hospital, then I've got more driving lessons and shopping with dad and doing other stuff and at some point I need to sleep! God knows when that'll be though. Well hopefully I'll get writing some scripts at some point soon, there's ideas buzzing round my head but at the moment they're so vague they barely exist, if that makes sense?

I've also been reading back some of the stuff in my moleskine (my verse) and can't help thinking how bloody crapping awful it is. I used to read my stuff back and like it, used to think it was good but now it all seems a bit...shit. I don't like that. Think I'll spend some time over the weekend writing, if I can separate myself from the parents and get some time on my own. Call it homework if you will. But hopefully I'll enjoy it. Think I need to get reading some more poetry/verse to help me write stuff. As I've been reading more novels and watching more films I've felt more of a pang of want for writing books and scripts, so maybe that's the way forwards. Or at least a step in the right direction.

Clash.

Where to start? I have GOT to update this thing more often!

The rabbits are now genderless. That's one way to kick this thing off! First they were both boys, then they were both girls so we booked them in to be spayed. One more sexing before the op, just to check; bloody good job they did because it turns out Yoshi IS a boy. Spud is still definately a little girl apparently. Well, was. Now neither of them have any bits. Having to keep an eye on the wounds and stitches, especially in Spud's case as her op was much more invasive than Yoshi's. Both of them took a bit of time to get back to normal, again Spud more so than Yoshi, but they're both back to their cheeky mischievous selves by now! Possibly the remainder of their hormones as it were, are still kicking around as they're still a little aggressive at the minute, but that should calm down.

I PASSED MY THEORY TEST!
Thinking about it I should have led with that really...hmmm. But yes, I passed. 49/50 on the multiple choice and 62/75 on the hazard perception test, which is a good score I think! That was about the first thing we had to celebrate in a while, so we bought a cake :) with the Stig on it :) seemed appropriate!
My practical driving test has been booked and my instructor told me the date today...the same date as the provisional date for the trial. Great. Another dose of bad luck.

Had my first appointment at CAMHS on Tuesday, after ringing to book an appointment, being told that the earliest they could offer me an appointment was September, and telling them in no uncertain terms that while I appreciate they have waiting lists, I need 'help' soon now. So she pulled some strings and got me an appointment with the case-screening guy which I was pleased about until I actually HAD the appointment. To start with he was nice enough and seemed to listen, but by the end of it I just felt like I really hadn't been listened to properly. All I'd got out of it was him saying he would book an appointment with someone I've already had an appointment with (but it wont be the same obviously, because she works in two departments and this time I see her, it'll be in a different capacity. Sure.) for as soon as possible, which is still likely to be months away. As I say, by the time I left I felt worse than when I'd gone in. I went to CAMHS because I have been worried about my mental health for years now, and over the last 8 months these concerns have got worse. No matter how much I stressed to him that while what had happened to me in January wasn't exactly the most savoury experience, the problems I am now worrying about are NOT because of it, as it were. As I've said to my parents and to him, in most respects I am actually over what happened. I've accepted it wasn't my fault and I'm moving on from it as much as I can ( at least until the trial ), so my mental health problems which are why I was even AT CAMHS and have been worrying about for YEARS are what I need help with. But according to him it sounds like I'm just suffering from 'post-traumatic stress and anxiety'. Yes. Obviously. So apparently a trauma happened years ago that I can't remember that has resulted in me feeling like I'm going crazy. Fuck off.

That debacle and the whole driving-test-on-the-same-day-as-the-provisional-trial-date has only left me with a sense of despair to be honest. Despair at the system, the fucked up system. The legal system where it takes 8 months to even get a provisional trial date, 8 months to get a possible date to try and prosecute this bastard. 8 months of waiting, of not being told what's going on, of not knowing. Despair. Despair at a system where someone who has concerns over their mental health, and has done for years, someone your system is 'aware' of, who 'meets your criteria' for help, yet is pushed from pillar to post, person to person, department to department, never getting the help and need. Is it any wonder that people disappear, or worse, when the system fails them so utterly and repeatedly? I was prosecuted for a lesser crime and that took no time at all, yet I've got this suffocating shadow of a trial constantly over me, its at the back of my mind yes, as much as I can keep it there, but each time it creeps forwards I just cant take it. Yes, I am 'over' what happened in some sense. But that doesnt mean I'm particularly relishing the thought of standing in the same room as him, answering questions, hearing his lies and watching my friends no doubt get a grilling. But I have to wait, dont I. I have to suffer even more, never able to fully move on until after the trial, but never knowing for definate when it'll be.

But that's the system isn't it? The ones who need help, the ones who are the 'victims' if you like, are the ones who are failed. Time is on his side, in a way. He gets longer to decide how to try and make me look like a liar, drags it out. And in terms of CAMHS, well, what are they playing at. Another system that's failing people. I just dont know what to do about this whole situation.

All I know is that there is a Plea Case Management Hearing this Friday where the trial date SHOULD be fixed. If it isn't I think a very big part of me will be angry. If it is and its fixed for the same day as my driving test (which he picked for that day because it was a brilliant time of day as well) well, then I have yet more thinking to do. Do I take the test the same week, week before, week after, what? I just dont know! Everything is just so frustrating! Not to mention my sleeping is still up the shit.

I've kind of run out of things to say, which is a first. Oh no, wait I haven't, but it'll wait for another day. Or in about 5 minutes time, whichever I feel like more :)

CAR :D

I HAVE A CAR !!!!
Yes, I have a car.

So when I woke up today I felt like shit, to put it mildly. I stayed up last night having another little meltdown with my mum, crying and getting worse and worse, then finally managed to sleep at about 2AM. Then I had to go to the police station for what I thought was just some form signing. Turns out it was a bit more than that. Apparently on the night I had told the doctor something that I hadnt said in my statement, so they needed clarification. I couldnt remember saying it or whether or not it happened, because I've tried to block out what happened quite frankly. So I got upset again and ended up crying but luckily my SOLO is lovely and she told me it doesnt matter, this kind of thing is completely normal and it shouldnt affect the case.

I left, feeling a little bit happier but still pretty damned down, and hopped on a bus. Mum had texted me to say the car would be at her work at 1PM, so on my way I was. I got there only a few minutes before the car and the family friend who was going to look at it and tell us what he thought. We went out and our mate gave the car a good going over, then asked the guy to take him for a drive in it. When they got back our friend basically said "go for it. tidy little run around, good car, no problem" then off he went. The only thing was that the fan belt was apparently worn, so he knocked a tenner off the price for a replacement as it were.

He followed us in mums car home, parked it in mums space and she took him to where he was getting picked up. And thus; I HAVE A CAR!! :D

1.8 litre engine diesel, N reg Peugeot 205 in charcoal grey, with power steering and cd player :) passed its MOT yesterday and taxed til the end of the month :)
All. Mine.

Sticking the L plates on was the MOST fun thing ever.

Now I've got to wait until mum and dad finish work and we'll talk about insurance. My instinct would be to go ahead and take out the insurance with the £600ish quote we found for me on a provisional license for now, and then at least I know its insured and I can drive it without worrying. I know the premium is going to go up when I pass my test, possibly a hell of a lot, but for now I need insurance at least. We'll have the 14 days to cancel it if we decide the policy is a bit shit, and if it goes up too much when I pass we can always cancel the policy and get a new one. For the time being, I just really want it insured so I can drive it without worrying about it being illegal!

So yeah, I HAVE A CAR :D

Probably taking it for a drive later so I'll post some photos then, couldnt get any decent ones earlier because of where its parked.

Car postponement.

You know how excited I was about today, Monday right? And you know why yes? Because I was hopefully seeing and maybe buying the car this evening...but no more :( Not that I'm not ever seeing it though :)

Mother rang Mr Mark-the-man-with-'my'-car last night to see what was happening. She told him that we were definately interested and that I was 'champing at the bit' as it were, and would we be able to come see it this evening (Monday). He told us that the car was booked in for its MOT at 2PM today, (Monday) so it would be more than likely that we wouldn't be able to see it, as if it needed any work doing at all it would still be in the garage and it would be a bit more difficult to see it there. That was perfectly understandable, though I was obviously a little disappointed. We also spoke to him about the accelerator pedal that I was only very slightly concerned about, as it was very low. We asked him if that was a standard 'quirk' of the Peugeot 205's of if it was a depressed pedal in this particular car. We'd only seen one other 205 and although the pedal was a bit low it didn't seem quite as low as in the car we're looking at. He said he wasn't sure as to the circumstances of this cars pedal but he'd get the garage to raise it (as long as they could). He seemed pretty sure it wouldn't be a problem. The pedal itself isnt necessarily putting me off the car, but I am a little worried as it sits a fair bit lower than the brake pedal, and even my mum said when she was driving it that sometimes when she went to put her foot on the brake she'd be underneath it, so I'm obviously a little worried that if I needed to stop (and being a not-yet-even-passed-her-test driver, I'm obviously even more nervous) I'd miss the brake pedal or get my foot stuck underneath it and end up in the proverbial shit creek. I'm sure I'd get used to it but it is a slight concern.

Other than the pedal, he reiterated that the car was going to get a proper full on valet, inside and out, the trim around the windows would be sorted out, the sun roof would be fixed (as it wouldn't open when we tried to when we saw it), the front drivers tyre would be changed, even if the MOT garage didn't, as it looked a bit worn, and he'd put a CD player in there :)

So then we asked when would be best to come and see it, and he said he didn't think Tuesday would be a problem. He even said if we liked it we could pay and take it there and then :D So we said we'd ring again Monday evening and find out how the MOT was going/went and go from there. I then rang my brother and asked him for a favour :)

IF we did decide to buy it on Tuesday, we'd have a problem actually getting it home if mum drove us down, as she'd be the only one insured to drive it, so I asked him if he'd be willing to drive mum, dad and I down there so if we did get it, mum could drive it home with me in and dad could go with him. I then suggested mum could drive it to a quiet car park and then I could have a go :) We may also try and find somewhere quiet around where the car already is so I can give it a quick drive, seeing as I'd hate to buy it then find out I hate how it feels to drive.

All in all, I'm pretty damned excited about tomorrow :) my brother's coming round at 3PM and we should hopefully be leaving sometime after 4PM ish.

ROLL THE FUCK ON TUESDAY! :D

Bitch.

So I'm excited about getting a car, and I love my pets, what's fucking problem with that?
Apologies for this next post, I'm angry. A bitch who I used to be friends with has made me very pissed off today. For about 20 minutes on facebook her status updates were a stream of bitchy, mocking comments about myself and a lot of other people. She also decided to join lots of fan groups, such as 'Black people', Fat people' and 'RAPE'.
She's disgusting quite frankly. The comment aimed at/about me was "yay CAR TOMO. I LOVE MY BUNNYS" and there were others aimed at friends of mine that her and the others dont deem 'cool' enough, such as a "so and so* 4 thingy*" (*names protected as it were) and a "someone* doesnt watch tv.

In my anger at how ridiculously she was behaving I sent her an email saying "are you fucking drunk again or just generally being a bitch?" and a couple of hours later I received the reply that, quite frankly, I expected, saying "sorry, someone fully hacked my fb".

I mean, for fucks sake, all of that lot just hack each others facebooks, change stuff and then moan about it, but have they ever thought of CHANGING THEIR PASSWORDS? No, of course not, because then they wouldnt get attention, or get to say "oh shit I got facebook raped" all the time. Every time I start thinking, even slightly, that I miss them and how fun things were most of the time, as long as nothing got even slightly serious, they go and do something like this that reminds me what they're really like.

They're just a bunch of immature idiots with no regard for anyone else's feelings. This isnt the first time this particular girl has done something like this, and it wont be the last. The sad thing is that plenty of people encourage her behaviour by 'liking' some of the things she does and laughing along with her.

And the things that their taking the mickey of me about...driving and the rabbits are pretty much the only things in my life that are making me feel good right now, that I'm getting excited and motivated about, and I care about, partly because the way THEY have treated me over the past few months (eg like shit) has contributed to my putting on weight, and crippling inability to go outside anywhere without someone like my parents with me, and so driving and the rabbits are the only things I spend any time on!
And just because I dont want to go and get so fucking wankered out of my mind that I dont know what or who I'm doing, throw up and get in dangerous situations, or because I dont care about getting off with randomers or having 'amazingly hilarious' drunk photos or facebook 'raping' each other (which I wont even start on), THEY want to take the piss out of what I'M doing in my life? Ok so I talk about it a lot, my status updates are mainly about cars recently, but I havent really mentioned the rabbits on there recently at all, but why the fuck does it bother them? You dont catch me bitching about their statuses being constantly filled with 'private jokes' and idiotic and offensive comments.

But yeah, I dunno, this is just a bit of a rant really, no real aim to it. I could write so much more but I'm tired. Just fucks me off that I get motivated about something and then people go and belittle it. Gets me down and fucks me off.

Cars cars cars cars driving cars

I mentioned in my last post that I'd probably be posting quite a long post next about sexuality and friends etc, but as you can tell from the title, this isn't it.

Right now I'm feeling in a good place, for once, so I want to focus on that.

As my Twitter followers will know, I started learning to drive recently. I had started writing a post about how my first lesson went but got a bit bored so left it :) now I've had 5 x 2hr lessons (so 10hrs) and it seems to be going really well I am happy to report. My clutch control is getting better, and after the first ten minutes of each lesson where I come off the clutch a bit too fast my gear changes are pretty damned smooth, if I do say so myself. I'm pretty confident at 3 point turns/turning in the road and my instructor actually said it's quite rare for someone to be as good at it first attempt as I was :) last lesson I started trying the reverse round a corner manouver, and I wasn't quite as good at that but I'll get there. Get a bit confused with my lefts and rights when I'm goig backwards :s
I've also booked my theory test for in a couple of weeks time so the pressure is on! I'm reading the Highway Code every spare minute, taking practice tests and doing practice hazard perception tests on the net, and I'm so keeping up the revision. Both my brother and sister passed their theory tests first time (though it was slightly easier then) so there's a bit of added pressure there, on top of the pressure I'm putting on myself; I so want to drive and do well and get passed quickly.

Now, again as my Twitter followers will know, I also started looking at cars a few months back on the web...more specifically I started looking at VW Camper Vans. Now I have ALWAYS wanted a VW (T2 to be model-specific) so that was my initial object of web searching, but then after much sensible talking with a lot of people I figured having a VW as a first car would be foolish, for many reasons. Firstly, being a new driver would make me more likely to have an accident, and I wouldn't want to fuck up my pride and joy in the first year. Secondly, price wise they are pricey, and THEN there's insurance for those beasts. So I put that dream to bed for now and focussed my desires on a little banger.

My sisters cars have all been bangers, and with the exception of a couple of duds have all been nice cars. And there's just something about an 'old banger' as a first car, like a rite of passage or something. To cut a long story short, after a lot of dissappointments at cars I liked on autotrader having been sold, there was a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I saw a little Peugeot 106 on autotrader and rang the guy selling it only to be once again told it was gone...BUT, he had good news. He'd just got a Peugeot 205 in and would we like to see it? Obviously I jumped at the chance :)
On Friday we went to see it, and I basically fell in love with it :) it's a charcoal grey, 1.7/1.8 diesel, N reg, power steering and being MOT'd on Monday, selling for about £600. Sadly, having not passed my test I couldn't drive it, but mother gave me a handy running commentary of how it drove and said it didn't feel at all a bad little car. The guy selling it said he was getting it MOT'd on Monday and was confident it would barely need anything doing to it, but that he'd change the front drivers tyre as it was looking a bit tired (excuse the pun) get it fully, properly valletted, sort the sun roof out as it was stuck, and put a cd player in there for me! All in all from what we could see it really was in excellent condition, no visible rust and nothing falling off.
We said we'd give him a call on Monday and see how the MOT went and then maybe come and see it again. The other plus is that he hasn't advertised it anywhere at all, he only mentioned it to us as we'd rung about another Peugeot and he'd just had it in.
So off home we went to talk the dreaded first driver expense of...INSURANCE!!!
We got a few quotes that were all £1,300 + and a few around £1,000 before trying gocompare again, and we were amazed. We managed to find a quote that instead of being 2 or 3 times the value of the car, was also around the £600 mark! For a first time driver! On a provisional license! That pretty much sold it to me I must say ;)

Nevertheless, we drove round Exeter today just to see if we could see anything else in our price range and after nearly 6 hours the only thing we'd found was a slightly fading P reg Peugeot 106 in worse nick than the N reg 205! Needless to say, I know what car I want :D

So now I have to wait til Monday to see it again, and I CANNOT WAIT!! A family friend who knows a lot more about motors than we do and who used to give my sisters cars a once over, has agreed to come with us when we see it on Monday/Tuesday to give us a second opinion, which the seller said was more than ok. So all being well, as long as it doesn't come out of it's MOT rather poorly and our motor mate doesn't think it's a shit bag, I may have a car very soon :) and insurance! :D

So yes, I am one rather happy and very excited (but tired) young lady :) and you know what...?

It feels pretty damned good.
Here's hoping it lasts.

Now, to try and get some sleep with the added bonus of a jolly long lie in tomorrow morning...Maybe it'll make Monday come faster!!!!!!

Incoming...

BE WARNED.

I started revisiting some unpublished blog posts and saw one that I really wanted to finish.
The subject is mainly my sexuality though I talk about my friends a lot too.
But you see, the things is...I still haven't finished it. And I've been going at it off and on for a good few hours.
Long story short, be prepared for a long post soon. Or a few long ones, however it best transpires.