Arg.

Arg. I'm so distracted. I need to do a final draft of my 'Opposition and conflict are fundamental to Wuthering Heights. Discuss with comparison to Jane Eyre, including consideration of the period in which these texts were written' essay... by Wednesday. I was supposed to have done it by last Wednesday's tutorial session but my teacher had to cancel, luckily, which gave me an extra week... which I have since frittered away on tidying and Pokemon. Speaking of which; get out of my brain! I'm not even playing on it, I'm walking up against a wall to level up some day care Pokemon XD but I've ended up just sitting researching all sorts of help stuff for HG! FFS. I so need to crack on with this coursework now, specially seeing as I've got a counselling session tomorrow and am then meant to be going round to my brothers. I may have to give the xbox session with him a miss if I'm to have any chance of finishing this essay :s

Lighter Life: The Saga

Right. You all know by now I started the Lighter Life diet programme a few weeks ago, but that since then I've been having all sorts of problems with their medical team. Well, here's the run down of what's happened;

- The screening form that has to be filled out by my GP only had to the option of 'Major Depressive illness'; as I have depression my GP had to tick it.

- 'Major' Depression is a contra-indicator for the programme so we had to get another form for the GP to sign to say that my depression isn't major; All was ok from there, we got the green light.

- The they said that because I had been sent for an EEG and was awaiting results I would have to wait til the results of that come back to start the programme.

- The results came back normal, we thought they'd be able to give the green light once more. They didn't. They said they needed yet MORE information from my counsellor.

- They spoke to her, and yesterday we were informed via someone else that they were kicking me off the programme, even though I'd tried ringing them several times and left messages asking them to call me personally so I could try and soothe their remaining concerns, BEFORE they made a decision.

So there's the story so far. So obviously, after hearing yesterday that they were kicking me off, I was very upset not to mention a little angry. However, I decided I wasn't giving up that easily; a) they hadn't actually got in touch with us to tell us I'd been kicked off, and b) I wanted to know their reasons for not letting me continue and for not calling me as I had asked.

I rang again this afternoon asking for a call back within the hour, and finally managed to speak to someone just over an hour later. I told her why I'd had to have a EEG, that there was never any real suspicion of epilepsy, that the group therapy counselling sessions would not affect me in any adverse way, to the contrary, and talked for England. To be honest, I think I did really fucking well. One of their concerns had been that they hadn't spoken to me directly, but as I said to them, the only reason for that was that mum had only got in touch with them originally to obtain this other form we needed, and it was only when more problems appeared that she ended up dealing with it because she was their first port of call. The woman I spoke to sounded happy enough with what I told her, and she said she would take the information I had given her, eg more reliable and hopefully good enough for them as it came from the horse's mouth, back to her manager, who would then review the case yet again. Seeing as the reason they kicked me off was apparently because they didn't have an explanation for why I had to have the EEG in the first place, because it had come back normal so they wanted to know why I'd even had one (apart from the fact that my mother had told them what happened) I'm hoping that the info I gave her, eg what DID happen and why I DID have the EEG, will be enough to sate them.

So we're now waiting to hear back from them again. They've said I should have an answer by 6 pm today, but they've said that before. Part of me is hopeful, but the rest of me is telling me that its not the end of the world if they still say no, I handled it eloquently and in an adult manner, and actually the fact I was strong enough and confident enough to talk to them myself is an achievement in itself. If they still say no, I'm going to put it down to bureaucracy and their obligation to cover themselves if anything were to go wrong. I've been exploring other options anyway, so it wont be the end of the world.

H.x

Gamezzzbox

Sweet. Games are on their way. Gears of War 2 is technically already here, but as I was in hospital when they tried to deliver it and it's recorded delivery, I'll have to wait til Monday. Just Cause, Dark Sector, Assassin's Creed and Far Cry 2 have apparently all be dispatched. I know, the games are old, but I've completed AC2, and can't afford JC2. Besides, I'm clearly old school. Only ones that haven't heard of dispatch on are Dead Space and Mirror's Edge. Actually, I find it quite funny that I've already got loads of games, and with these too... I blatently don't have the time to play them. Ah well. I'll muddle along, ever so slowly.

H.x

eBay and Amazon are the bane of my life. Literally, over the last two days I've spent £45 on Xbox games :s I'm not too worried though, cos the plan is to play them all through at least once, and unless I really really like it, I'll either sell them on or trade them in somewhere for more expensive games. To be honest, £45 for 7 games ain't bad though is it?

Lighter Life day.

So I had my first weigh in at Lighter Life today and I am pleased to say I have lost 7.7lbs in a week :) I am so pleased with that. I'm obviously now hoping I can keep that up as I'd be losing a stone a fortnight haha. But to be honest I'll be pleased with anything.

Unfortunately though, the road has not been smooth.

Lighter Life originally weren't going to let me do the programme due to the fact I have been depressed, but then after certain forms were filled out they said that was no longer an issue.

Then they said that because I was waiting for the results of an EEG I shouldnt be allowed to do the programme. We then gave them the results, which came back normal, so I dont have epilepsy, so it should have been ok.

However, they are now saying they need 'more information'. What more fucking information can they need? It's making me quite upset and angry to be honest, as I'm now again not allowed to have the food packs. My LL counsellor has however given me the necessary knowledge to stay in Ketosis so I can technically continue losing the weight until they give me the all clear, but its still very frustrating. It just seems as though they're now simply trying to find any reason not to let me do it, but I'm not giving up.

In other news, today I was a human pin cushion; I had my pre-operative appointment today and they needed to take some blood, and unfortunately my veins are notoriously difficult to find, so it took 4 goes to get some blood out of me. Which of course means the crooks of my arms are now very sore and bruised, but its nothing I haven't dealt with before. I'm so used to needles now after all the injections and blood samples I had to have done before I went to Africa a couple of years ago, that they really dont bother me. I'm not keen on watching the needle actually go in, but once its in I love watching the liquids going in or being taken out :) I know, I'm morbid :)

Tomorrow is March 17th, and so my new camera should technically finally be in stock. Dad's going to ring in the morning and if it is I'll be jumping in the car straight away! Here's hoping!

All in all, happy but frustrated.

H.x

"And it was all mellow."

Today has been a big day for me in many respects. Well, one mainly.
As some of you may know, over the last year I have become virtually a recluse. A friendless, jobless, meaningless slob. It's only in the last 3 months or so that I have finally been able to pick my self up a little and try and move on with what's left of me life.
My friends ditched me because they were fed up of being friends with a depressed rape victim, basically.
The one friend that did stick around then proceeded to fall in love with me, then break my heart, and then get shitty with me when I couldn't deal with seeing her ever again. (She has since resurfaced once more, saying she'll come round next week. I'm contemplating letting her and trying to talk.)
I dropped out of college, failed my exams, and lost touch with pretty much everyone in my tutor group who I had come to love.

Well... the other week I got invited to go and watch the A2 performance element of two such people at my old college. My first instinct was to say no; I'm not comfortable with groups of more than 5 people, and going back to that theatre where I kicked ass in my AS performance might have been too much for me, not to mention the fact that there would be people there who hate me.
But then I thought again. Here is my chance, I said to myself, to continue on the path called 'moving on', a chance to get back out into the real world.
So I accepted.
True, in all honesty I thought I'd probaby bail closer to the time, but I said yes.
But then the part of me that reminded me this was a chance told me I was NOT going to back out. So I went.
This evening at 5.30pm I entered the building where I had made friends who I then lost, acted my arse of on stage, and brielfy was happy. The first person I saw there was... How do I put this... My arch enemy? The second most hated person in my past? Well, however you want to put it, she was there. I held me head high. Actually I went and sat down with a book and a glass of water as the show didn't start for half an hour, but mentally, that was a head held high.
Then yet more people arrived who I wasn't comfortable seeing, but I steeled myself as best I could.
I entered the theatre just behind them and took seat far away from them. At one point I saw that she turned round to get a good look at fat lonely old me, but I just kept my eyes on the stage.
The performance was great, it really was. And strangely enough, the emotions I expected to feel around it weren't there. I expected to feel sad, and a sense of loss. By rights I should have been on that stage again too, for my A Level in Drama. I expected to miss the acting. Once upon a time I wanted to spend my whole life being someone else on a stage. Part of me still does, but I didn't feel it tonight. Instead, I smiled, and laughed, and grieved only a little.
Afterwards, I had to practically sprint to the toilet as part of the diet I'm on involved keeping very well hydrated, which then consequently leads to peeing all the live long day.
After that though, I saw my parents had arrived for a lift home. I'd said I was going to stick around after to talk to the two people I came to see, and even though here was an opportunity to flee and say "well, I managed to watch the play, that's good enough" I didn't take it. I stayed and waited.
I watched was one of the girls came out of the dressing room and went to see her friends, also where she was stood. And then she saw me. The group of girls basically averted their gaze, which made me chuckle. They can't bear to see someone happy to see me! And she was! She ran over to me squealing and hugged me, said how pleased she was to see me. I proceeded to tell her how well she'd done, she thanked me, and then we chatted a little about what I'd already mentioned to her about going to see Lady GaGa. I felt relieved. She hadn't blanked me because the others were there, and she didn't try to get away after a minute of talking. Eventually she had to go, but said we'd definately sort something for Lady GaGa.
And then the second girl came out of the dressing room. She had spotted me in the audience when she sat down because she wasn't in the final play at all, and did a double take. Entirely understandable. But she too ran up to me and hugged me. She knew more of how difficult it was for me to be there, and she seemed genuinely happy I had made it. True, it was slightly awkward, it's the first time I've seen her since she told me she'd seen my trial in the paper and I figured that must mean she'd know I'm gay, and then she told me she'd known for a while anywhere but she didn't care. Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe not. But she did seem happy to see me. She told me we must meet up sometime soon, and I told her that I was hoping that in a couple of month before they all fly off to Uni I'll come and see my old tutor group. I so want to seem them all again.

I then came home, and sat reading through all my old texts. Honest to god, not just because I'm a sad old soul, but because I'm a text fiend and have to take screenshots of all my texts so I don't lose them when I wipe my phone so it'll work with the new sim.

As I sat there, I suddenly became aware I wasn't just reading text messages; I was reading my past life. A life that was far from perfect, but was taken from me. And there are things I want back.
I want some of those friendships back. Not all of them by any means, not the damaging ones, but there are some people that when I think of them, and how things were before, my heart breaks a little bit more.
And so I made a decision.
I will text or email both of the girls I saw tonight, and thank them for inviting me, and for being so kind. I shall then ask them both for coffee sometime next week when they are free. I shall then tell them where the fuck I dissappeared to this time last year. I know that in reality I don't owe anyone shit all, but I'm the kind of person who believes that actions need to be explained to the important people in your life. So I will fill in the numerous blanks, and erase the various misconceptions surrounding my life.
I've already found myself half rehearsing what to say to them, in typical me style.
It is something I feel I have to do.
I will then make good on my idea to pick another two friends up from college, drive them home to Dawlish, and hang out with them for a few hours, filling in said blanks and said misconceptions once more.

I feel that mellow, and calm, that comes over me in the moment I take action toward living once more.

The only situation I am still undecided on is the one with L. As I mentioned at the start of his soliloquy, she has recently sent me yet another messge to the effect of "Are you around on X day? If not I'm coming round in the week anyway." I can't honestly see how she hasn't got the message that I don't want to see her anymore. But now I'm wondering if I should see her. Again, reading those text messages has confused everything in my head. She told me that she realized she'd had feelings for me for quite a while, and armed with that knowledge, some texts do make more sense. But am I just imagining things? I know that after all the shit we've been through that a relationship would never work, but what I want to know is, is it wrong to still wish we could? I mean, there was a real chance for us at one point, and she just threw it away. So why can't I just let go? Why does the fact that she's so obviously moved on, so much so that she's now LIVING with her new boyfriend (not the guy I was ditched for even) make me so angry? I mean, she told me that we'd obviously never work because she was ''more than likely'' moving away, but now she's living loved up with some other randomer? The more I think about her, the more I realise that despite all the shit she told me about herself, I really didn't know her.
And what hurts the most? The fact that I wonder now if all those shit friends were right.
I have always considered myself a good judge of character, but they didn't like her from day one. Did I choose to like her to spite them? Were they really right? Are they better judges of character than I? Very little saddens me more than that thought.

So here I ask for advice; what should I do?

H.x

Life update.

Once more, it has been a while.

I have GOT to be more disciplined about this.

So, first and foremost, I am now on the Lighter Life diet. I cant be bothered to explain in too great detail what its all about, thats what this is for, but basically it involves not eating any real food for 14 weeks and living on food packs and copious amounts of water. You may have seen a lot of my tweets about it, as I had a few problems with doctors forms etc last week, so I'm only just started on it now meaning I'm a week behind everyone else, but at least I'm on it.

I've spoken to a few people about the fact I'm doing this and had varying responses, but the long and short of it is that I am desperately unhappy with my body, have tried various diets etc and had varying levels of success, but nothing that works quickly. A lot of my psychological problems are because of my weight ( and vice versa ) and I dont feel I am equipped to deal with a lot of the other shit in my head while I'm constantly preoccupied with my weight and paranoid about what people think of me. So I'm taking control. I've done the research, and thought it through. I'm not going into this blind, I've given it serious consideration. I know what it entails and I am actually excited about it if I'm honest. They say that if you follow the programme properly, you'll lose a minimum of 3 stone, but looking on the forums etc there are some people who lose 6-12lbs a week! So yes, all in all I am excited. I'm finding it hard, the whole 'no food' thing, but its not the hunger thats the issue actually, its mainly the lack of chewing. If that makes sense. The food packs are mostly liquid so it doesn't feel fully substantial. The clever thing about the food packs is that basically they encourage your body to use up body fat for energy but transforming it into ketones, which are also a natural hunger suppressant, so once I'm in ketosis (when the body is transforming and using body fat for energy rather than calories) I shouldn't feel hungry, and by all accounts from the other women already on the programme, you really dont feel hungry. Now I'm rambling so I'll shut up.

In other news... well, there is no real other news. College work is going ok, my tutor tells me I'm making strides with the Wuthering Heights coursework and the revision for the exams is kicking off now.

Hopefully my camera really be in stock this weekend, if not then it'll be 17th March at the earliest I suppose, which is a bit annoying as I've been waiting for so long, but I'll just be glad when I do get it.

I SO need to remember to pre-order the new Pokemon game... not that I can decide whether to go for Heart Gold or Soul Silver... grrr. Ruby, Fire Red and Crystal all arrived from Hong Kong the other day and I've been playing on Ruby ever since. Pokemon rules! :D haha.

I also grabbed myself a Tumblr account... though in all honesty I'm not sure why as in some respects its very similar to twitter, and I already have this blog and twitter, so... ah sod it, I'll use it for web pages and shiz.