Thursday, 9 September 2010


I hate myself more and more everyday.
And with that, I fight myself everyday.
I fight with myself that I'm worth something, that I'm a good person, that I'm not useless and worthless. I fight with myself in my own head.
I tell myself it's natural to still be feeling this way, that what happened to me wasn't my fault, that I'm still healing and it'll take time. That these feelings are all normal.
And then I'm like you know what, its been nearly two fucking years now, where the fucks my day?
Everyone tells me it won't happen overnight, I won't wake up feeling happy and normal and blah blah blah tomorrow morning. Do they think I'm stupid? A) you've been telling me that for the last 2 years and B) I can see that myself by now. But two years on and all I've got to show for it is... well, what?
That when I hit my bad days it's usually only just for a day, sometimes less, whereas before it'd wipe me out for longer? Is that supposed to be some consolation?
So I fight with myself. Cos I know every side of every argument you could ever have with me... any point you make to me, chances are I've already heard it from myself.

But who fucking wins?

The sad angry me?
The happy hopeful me?
Where even the fuck am I? Who and what and why the fuck am I?
Is this a good day or a bad day? I mean I don't feeling killing myself at this precise moment and the clarity's good, so what is it?

Every minute of myself seems like a nightmare, but am I ever gonna fucking wake up?!

I want to wake up from myself and be in a world where I don't feel like I have to torture myself over every little thing I feel every single day.
I want to wake up and not have to fight myself.
I need to wake up in a world where I don't hate myself and then expect other people to hate me to and then when they do or don't hate me I get angry and ruin it anyway.

Feels sometimes like I'm taken for granted, which pisses me off too. Even though I know other people have got their own shit, and I get in touch first, I get mad at myself when uneven get upset at any lack of contact, however much it makes sense.
Maybe it's because I've never had anyone who'll just be happy to just be randomly texting me all night that it hurts so much when someone doesn't reply quickly, or at all, again even when I know there's often a perfectly good reason.

I do my own nut it, and clearly yours too.

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