Tuesday, 17 March 2009

20 slow - I froze today.

So today was not the best of days. After my mini breakdown last night. As my entries and twittering from last night would have shown to all who saw them, I spent my evening panicking about a 2250 word essay I had to write for today, and subsequently suffered huge writers block.

Now you may think; writers block, everyone gets that from time to time, its certainly nothing to get so worked up about - this is where I would scream. I have never suffered from writers block before, or if I have it has lasted so short I time I have not even noticed it. This is different. I have always been able to write. I'm the kind of person who could leave an essay til the night before and still churn out something to rival that of someone who has spent weeks on it, I've always been able to do that. I've always been able to call upon my writing ability, but recently that ability has disappeared. So yes, last night I had a bit of a breakdown. Everything has been building up and the fact I couldn't write again just freaked me out. An extension for the essay has since been arranged.

After that exhausting night, where I still didn't manage to get to sleep until around 4am despite not having to stay up to write the bloody essay anymore, I took the morning off college and went in for 12.20 for a one-to-one tutorial with my oh-so-lovely-and-supportive-of-my-current-situation English Lit lecturer. Prior to my meeting with her my parents had been in touch with her to ask her (from her Deputy Head of English Department position) to speak with the lecturer of the other English (Language) to arrange said extension. Here I spoke to her about what had happened the night before and explained that when faced with having to write 'creatively' or 'at all', I literally freeze. She empathized and told me it will get easier.

2 hours later I was back in her classroom for the usual English Lit lecture. 45 minutes in she asks us all to spend 10 minutes on a creative task. I freeze. My mind goes as blank as the page in front of me. I start getting worked up. As she wanders round the class checking on people she sees me panicking a bit and asks me if I'm struggling. I tell her in no uncertain terms I am. She tells me to breathe. I try that but unfortunately I still can't write anything. I ask her if I can take a minute out. She'd said in previous meetings with her I always could if I needed to, so she said of course and I practically ran out of the classroom, down the hall and sat down in front of a radiator.

Of course she came to check on me a few minutes later and proceeded to apologise for setting a creative writing task after I'd told her it makes me freeze. I mean, how lovely is she? I wouldn't have expected her to change her lesson plan for me at all! She told me just to take another few minutes then come back in when we'd be reading through some other stuff. I kept apologising and got quite upset and angry and I think that honestly surprised her, seeing me like that. So all in all, not the best of days. I've just got to keep hoping this will all get easier, and got to keep trying to get through this. "Some days are harder than others"; that's what I would have said a month ago - now, most days are horrible.

On a photo note; 2 for today, both taken after the one-to-one whilst having a cigarette. I love the first one so much, I have no idea why. It was an accidental photo really, but I'm glad it happened as I find there's something cute about the little leaf. The second just about sums up the speed I'd give anything to be going at, 'cos right now, I feel like I've ground to a halt!

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