Thursday, 3 March 2011

Taking a break.

So some of you my have noticed that I've been absent from twitter these last few days, compared to usual, and may have wondered why. I don't know, you might not have noticed or you might have noticed and not really cared, or been thankful that I've finally shut up rambling on about shit you don't really give a fuck about. Anyway. I have been quiet.
I'm not going to go into details because I'm not really sure myself what happened, if anything, but something sort of happened on Tuesday that kind of threw me and I basically had like, a mini breakdown? Sort of? I'm not really sure what happened, all I know is I freaked out and 5 minutes later I woke up. So, I figured I needed to take a break from some shit, and something had to give, so it was twitter and other online stuff. I'm feeling under pressure and so very stressed, and I'm tired of my body apparently not being able to cope with anything and getting ill in some way or another every five minutes. My immune system is completely fucked and come Wednesday I felt entirely wiped out. Lethargic, a bit numb, and slightly more broken than I've felt in a while. Things are getting to me. College work, friendships or lack thereof, family stuff, and my general inability to cope with anything. So for the last few days I've been basically in a vegetative state, just lying around staring at the ceilings and trying to focus on the mountain of college work I've got to do, to no avail. When it comes to writing my essay I've got a block on, again. Just for a change. I've tried pushing through it, working around it, sneaking up on it, slipping underneath it, jumping over it, nothing works. As with most things I write on here, I'm not really sure why the fuck I'm even telling you this. I'm pretty sure very few people read this and those that do usually don't have anything to say so it's basically me just talking to myself. Just for a change. But then thats sort of what I want. I'm ranting to the ether that plagues me in a way. I haven't been able to focus on sorting myself out for my interview next week either, and I don't know why. I need to sort out a portfolio and that's going to cost money and take time, neither of which I really have. And it turns out that as well as the portfolio and the sketchbooks as an example of my work, I have to have a written piece on "art history or visual theory" apparently, something that in AS Photography we haven't really covered, so I'm a bit stuck on that. I thought I could probably do something on the history of the camera in the evolution of documentary and street photography, as I sort of looked at that in the last project, but I'm not really sure if that'll be anything like what they want. But its the only idea I've got. But again I've got a block with that too. I just keep thinking to myself, for fucks sakes, this is only the second year of college, and not even technically a full second year as I'm taking less subjects, and I can't even cope with that, I might as well give up on the idea of university. If I can't cope on my own with plenty of support around me, how the fuck am I going to fare when its just me in my little dorm room miles from home with my idiot self as my only motivation?
I've felt close to cutting, I've felt like calling my old dealer and trying to get stoned, I've felt like drinking so much I throw up, I've felt like starving myself, I've felt like punching the walls, and I've done nothing. The ceilings of my house have had more attention from me than my future. I know full well that over the last few months most people would say I've been prioritising wrong... but at the time it really didn't feel like I was, and to be honest it still doesn't in a way. Like, there are things I still want to do but can't, don't feel I can. I realise not a lot of this will make sense to you all. I'm not sure it makes sense to me right now. I don't know. I take my tablets like a good girl, I get up and try my best to actually get on with my life, but this last week its felt like all I'm facing is a brick wall. I'm trying, I really am. I am so fucking tired of feeling sorry for myself, so god knows how fed up you lot must be of me. It really is a conscious decision to move on from everything, and it's a choice I have to make every day, and to be quite honest I'm starting to get tired of making that decision. Why should I carry on? I don't have anything to lose - but that statement speaks for both sides of the coin really. I'm physically tired and mentally tired, again.
I'm living in a cyclical state apparently. Up, down, round and round.
I'm my own worst enemy and I've tried to make peace with myself but I can't seem to.
So I've hit another wall and I'm all out of ideas, so I'm taking time and space. Time to stare at my ceiling and fret. I haven't been into college all week, partly because of the tonsillitis, and partly because I haven't been able to face it. I really think the holidays have been detrimental to my time at college. After the christmas break I felt like it was my first day all over again, I felt terrified and paranoid and so very awkward and panicky, and I know when I do eventually go back again it'll be the same. I had to go into town to post something today and had to fully psyche myself up to get out of the fucking car, and I was shaking like a fucking leaf the whole time walking around my own city center. That's not how its supposed to go. I'm 18 years old and half the time I feel like a fucking agoraphobic recluse unable to function in public. And that is not how it's supposed to go. I'm tired of people telling me its ok to STILL feel like this after "what happened" because its like, you know what, who the fuck cares? I'm actually tired of having an 'excuse' for everything I do. I wish what had happened hadn't happened, of course I fucking do, but not just because of the damage it did to me, and apparently still does. This past week I've been having nightmares and some of them have just been huge, long flashbacks and I wake up crying and hurting and about to scream but there's nothing I can do. I've got 'reasons' for everything I do but more and more they feel like lame fucking 'excuses' for me being a fucking unable, unmotivated, socially retarded, fractured moron. Yeah I've been angry these past few days, and not just at myself, but mainly at myself. I have a tendency to screw things up - I think I'm going to so I try and cover my tracks before I've even done anything and that turns out to be just as idiotic. I'm on a learning curve and it feels never ending. And now I've spent longer writing this than I've been able to spend on any of my coursework over the last week. What does that say about me? Probably what I already know - that I'm a fucking self absorbed cock up who cant see anything beyond her own immediate misery. But you know what, at the same time I can put all of this, every single fucking drop of self misery and anger and what have you, for the right person, or people if I know where to go and I don't even know where I'm going with this sentence because I've apparently just been thrown off whatever train of thought I was on because I looked at Spotify and I know I don't even remember what I was saying. My attention span really is shit too. I know I don't have the monopoly on feeling shit. I know that. I do. Honestly. Again, thought train - poof. I've got too much I need to do, not just college stuff, but sorting my life out, sorting out my money, throwing stuff away, selling stuff, buying stuff, recording stuff, sorting through boxes both physical and literal, and I feel like time is so not on my side.
I feel like I want to run away. Just get in my car, with a bag of clothes, some food, money, the Air, music, and go. I wont know where and I'll probably crash my car getting lost or going on the motorway for the first time alone and get ploughed into, but aside from that, I want to get away. I know I bang on about it but going to Australia was so fucking good for me, I came back feeling, yeah a hell of a lot like I wanted to go back, but also I knew that I couldn't so I felt more focussed and positive of the stuff ahead of me. And now I feel like I need to get away again, but I can't can I? Because I've got too much to do. Sometimes, to be totally honest, I feel like having a public breakdown/freakout and getting committed or something, because at least then I'd get a break and get to go away somewhere. But funnily enough I'd rather have a break away somewhere of my spontaneous choosing that stare at a different set of four white walls for a spell. But you get what I mean. I hope.
Anyway this has gone on longer than I intended.
So I've taken a break from twitter because I can't take a break from life. I've not replied to texts or emails or anything for two days. I know its all counter productive because it's just more stuff that stacks up and I have to deal with sooner or later, but in a weird way its been nice just ignoring everyone. I say everyone, I've had about a grand total of 8 texts/emails/forms of correspondence over the last two/three days and whilst in some ways I haven't actually enjoyed not saying anything I kind of haven't had anything to say. Believe that of me or not, having read this. It's contradictory too that its twitter I've taken a break from when twitter/general internet stuff has been my sort of sanctuary in the past. I've seen most people I follow go through a period of disillusionment with twitter over the last few months and I guess its my turn. Most of the stuff I say on there nowadays is fucking well boring as shit anyway, so I might as well not say it if no ones bothered about hearing it. You know those things on tumblr that have been going round like "when you start telling a story and realise no ones listening so you just sort of tail off to a mumble and stop talking?" or "when you ask a question and no one hears so you pretend you didn't say anything?" well thats pretty much me. Don't get me wrong, not just on twitter, and I'm not about to turn into one of those people that moans whenever no one replies to them and takes it personally, because I know you lot actually do have lives to lead so aren't just sitting by waiting for me to display my scintillating and sparkling wit in some stunning diatribe or whatever. But yeah sometimes I'm just sat twiddling my thumbs and it leads to the usual thinking of "hmm, I wonder what it'd be like to have a social life again, I can't remember." etc.
Aaaaaaanyway. I will actually try and round this up now. So yes, twitter break covered. I don't know when full service will be resumed, so to speak. I may be around more over the weekend and then resume radio silence in the week next week, or I might not be around over the weekend at all. I have things to focus on and I'm going to really have to try so fucking hard if I don't want to end up too closely resembling the fucking failure I was this time last year. That's going to be a challenge for me.
To a few people out there, I just want to say I'm sorry, again, and that... well... I guess I've said all I can to you without being a complete cunt so yeah. Just, sorry.
Anyway, having written more for my own 'pleasure' than I have for my education, and all to come to NO conclusion whatsoever, I'm off to... well... probably listen to more angry music whilst I fail again at giving up smoking and stare at a blank screen with the words "ENGLISH PATIENT/EDWIN MUIR ESSAY" at the top and probably have some more nightmare's tonight or something. I feel like I know where this is headed, and that that's the only way to snap myself out of it, but I don't want that to be the only way out again, so I'll have to push myself to breaking point again and then probably snap and end up there anyway so just call me Miss Entirely Counter Productive.
Have nice lives and what not.

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