Saturday, 1 January 2011

New Years 'Resolutions"

So I am in essence in agreement with the many people who say that if there's something in your life, or something about yourself that you want to change, why should you wait until some 'special' year preordained by society for such a move?
But at the same time, I don't see the harm. New Years is just another day, yes, but at the same time for many people its more than that. It is a new start. A line in the sand under all the rubbish that may have happened in the previous 365/6 days. A chance to turn over a new leaf.
Yes of course, if there are big things that need changing then that should be true on any day of the year, but its a marker, a big loud shouty marker saying "Look, you've been saying you want to do X, change Y, become more Z for god knows how long now? Just do it you utter bozo. Use me! I'm a day that gets lit on fire so it's not as though you can miss me! Start from now, go on!" and I don't see the harm in that.
I know that for myself, New Years is a strange time of year. When I was younger I would spend it with my parents one year, and then the next year they'd spend it with friends and I'd stay round my nans house, so obviously as nan is no longer with us, the night has a lot of memories in that sense.
And obviously, it carries a lot of other unpleasant memories for me. Although actually, to be quite honest its New Years day rather than eve thats more of a struggle. I say is, it's only been two years, and last year I spent the period in a cottage in Cornwall with my parents so I escaped from the city that would have been too much and so it didn't really touch me. My parents and I went out into the snow at about 2340 with a glass of wine each and went and stood so we could see the fireworks and look out over the countryside and the sea, and just had a quiet moment, because it was a big moment for all three of us really. It really did feel palpable that time, that shift from one year to the next. I felt momentarily like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, the weight of 2009 pressing down on me had become too much, too many memories. Obviously I know memories never go away, I've been living with them ever since, but you know what I mean. That that change of the year from 09-10 felt more real in a way.
And then there was the 10-11 change just now obviously. Yes, a big part of me 6 months ago would have said that I'd hope to be out celebrating with people for 2011, to feel ready for that, but most of me knows that was just wishful thinking. I still freak out in crowds a little, and more so at night. I'm better than I was a year ago, but it still shits me because I always used to love the night time and still do, but I'm not 'scared of the dark' now, but I'm definitely more wary and edgy in the dark than I used to be. I used to go for walks at night just for the hell of it, but now if I have to walk anywhere at night my eyes are darting everywhere and my skin prickles at every shift in the wind, and every noise is louder in my ears. But like I say, I was ever worse a while back. Now I can cope at night. But crowds are another thing.
So the fact I wasn't up to going out this year, ignoring the fact I have no friends to have gone anywhere with :'D I suppose I shouldn't let get me down. Better to wait til I'm ready and have people around me I trust than rush out and freak out right?
Anyway, I digress. Standard.
My point is that I know some people get angry about the whole fuss made over New years, and on the whole I do too, but the difference is I understand what it can mean to people and how people make it a big deal for their own reasons, and if they don't hurt anyone else whats the harm.
So this year, I have sort of made some New Years Resolutions. Yes, they are things I've wanted to change for a while, some are ones that have been 'in progress' for a while, but why not take the opportunity to give myself a kick up the backside? Sometime being in a herd of sheep can be a good thing; you've always got the farmer to get you moving right?

So, my new years resolutions, if anyones bothered. Actually, sod that, even if you're not at least by writing them here someone else will have seen them so I'm not just going to have myself to answer to.

Do well in my A Levels. Says it all. I want to get out of Exeter now, too many memories in this place. I'll be scared of uni, and I'll struggle so hard come exams, but I want to do as well as I possibly can.

Be more organised. Obviously related to the latter, but just in general too.

Improve my timekeeping. Anyone who follows me on twitter knows how atrocious I am at being on time for anything, so I need to work on that :')

Keep writing more. Simples. Been neglecting it again and that makes me sad. I think its because I've been getting exasperated more at the inability to express myself fully, but I dont want writers block again so I need to power through.

Start up my creative outlets again. I want to pick up my guitar again and get writing songs again. I'd gotten to the point where I was so nearly ready to perform, but then my confidence was stolen. Sometimes I dont think I've got the worst singing voice in the world, but so far if I'm singing in my room and I hear the front door open I clam up, my stage fright for singing is that bad. I also want to get back into art again. Sketching, painting, drawing, whatever, I want to get it going again. I've just ordered some new ProMarkers and another Moleskine to get doing some stuff there, so hopefully I can crack the back of that.

Lose weight. I know its one that SO many people make year after year, and that I've said it before, but there you have it. My lifelong struggle with weight will fucking well end this year. I nearly ended it once, in year 11 I lost like, 4 stone in 6 months I think? and was at my thinnest and happiest. Then the depression train hit, which apparently in my case comprises of a bed, a sofa, and every other carriage is a free all you can eat buffet :') and I fucking ballooned. Seriously. I don't want to say how heavy I was at my biggest ie not that long ago (6 months ish?), maybe when I've lost more I will, but right now I still feel like I'm too close to that weight to admit it. Even though I know I'm not; thanks to the dieting in the first half of last year I am actually still roughly 4 stone lighter than my heaviest, not the same as I was in year 11 and lost 4 stone - way more than that - but still, having lost that 4 stone I am now roughly at what I was in year 11 I think. I'm speaking roughly here because I haven't got the figures in front of me.
But yes. I am sick and tired of being this fat. I'm 18 ffs and I hate everything I see in the mirror, and it isn't healthy. And I mean that in every respect. So I will get rid of it. Lets just say that every time I've dieted my ideal ideal weight has always been 10-12 stone, with 10 being like my ideal image in my head and 12 being probably more realistic, ish. So this year I am determined to at least, firstly, get back down to what I managed in year 11 which if I'm brutally honest was just one last push away from the ideal goal, and then hopefully get down to it. No, not hopefully. I will.
I've tried so many diets so many times, and I know that essentially it is easy; eat less and do more. But unfortunately I am a big food lover and apparently have the metabolism of a fucking elephant, or a sloth, or something with a really slow metabolism, so I've always been a bigger kid. But I hate it. So I will change it.

Find more confidence. Be happy. Smile more. Obviously all of what I want isn't going to come simply, or easily, or magically, and as I said yesterday I know this road to recovery or whatever you want to call it is by no means easy or short, but this year I want to make real strides along it. Going back to college was a big step. Meeting twitter people at the tweet up was a big step. I made some baby steps this year, and some bigger ones, when I think back I guess overall I should be proud of how far I've come this last year. I've gone from being more or less a total recluse, to having some mild semblance of a life. As hard as it is to believe sometimes, I'm not all bad. I have good intentions and a good heart. I don't like hurting people and I like making people laugh. I want to have parts of that girl I was back, when I found more confidence after losing that weight, and I will. I'll get those parts back, and I'll make the overall package even better. I can be what I want to be, cant I? Yes. I have to believe that I can. And hey, if worst comes to worst and I really struggle at losing the weight and what have you, then i will seriously consider using that money for plastic surgery :'D (she says like she hasn't seriously thought about it already).

If I'm honest, all of this that I want to change about myself, it isn't just for me. Sure, becoming who I want to be will make me happier, but thats only part of it. There are people in my life now, and people I hope to have in my life more in the future, that I want to be better for. Better in every sense - you know the whole "no one will love you until you can love yourself" thing? Well I guess its not entirely true because people love different things, but the element that I get from it is this; you can't let anyone love you, and really believe they love you, unless you even like yourself and believe you're worth it. That's the boat I'm in I guess, and I want to jump ship. I want to get on a bigger boat, with room for two of us and not just me in my neurosis, because really, there's more than enough room in my heart because I just love everyone, friends, family, whatever. At the minute it seems the only person I don't have room for in there, is myself, and I guess that has to change.
I have a lot to give, and I want to feel able to give it without constantly thinking about myself and how scared I am, and without freaking out and over analysing etc.
So my reasons for wanting to change, to better myself, are not entirely selfish because a happier me benefits other people right?

Anyway, its gone 1am now and I was supposed to be getting an early night tonight. Good one.
As usual I still have so much I want to say, but I'll just end up talking round in circles and blathering on about nothing and everything as I get gradually tireder, so I'll leave it there.

This is a new year, though the months and days have the same names and nothing changes there, I will.

Happy new year you beautiful people.

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