I've got a lot of love to give. I'm loyal, I'm caring, I can be sweet and cute (apparently) and I'll never hurt you if I can help it. But I got no one to give it to.
I'm so fucking fed up of being on my own.
It was good to see Hannah for today, as she's down from uni for tar barrels, but all it did was remind me again, if I needed reminding, that I'm on my own.
They've all moved on, living their lives, made new friends already, kept in touch with the old ones, and nothing to worry about. And me?
I've gotta start over, only it's for the first time. Every time I've progressed through school, I've had those guys with me, and any new friends I've made were when I had self confidence.
Now I'm in a position where people know each other already, cos they've had a year of college together, and I'm just the fat weirdo who's still here for some reason.
I'm really struggling to make friends, let alone anything else.
The last week, things have seemed a bit better though. Don't get me wrong, I get along well with a fair few people in my lectures, but it's just that there's a fair bit of difference between getting on with people in a lesson and being friends.
My sister keeps saying to just ask one of them/some of them if they want to grab some lunch, but it's not as simple as that. Like I say, in most classes, people have got at least one person they know, so they leave with them, and I'm like ehhhhh I'll be quiet then.
As I've said, I'm finding it hard enough to make friends, let alone anything else. But I'm going out of my fucking mind. No I'm not talking sexually, though sure that'd be nice, but just company. But more than friendship. Someone to just sit and watch tv with, curled up and legs tangled. Someone to sit with in Bostons and read, don't have to talk, just sit and read a magazine or a book. Or someone to talk to about shit all that anyone else cares about or understands.
Of course, all of this, when I type it, makes me think of L. Natch. But I think I know I'm just idealising those memories and picking the best ones. There's nothing wrong with remembering the good things in life, but I've got to remember why my friendship with her ended and why things turned out the way they did.
I don't really know what the point of this was.
You've all had enough of me bemoaning my loneliness by now I expect, but it's there. It's not as simple as just getting out there and meeting people. I've got such little self confidence after everything over the last few years, that talking to people is a struggle. I feel ridiculously awkward; I don't know how to start conversations, and once I do almost everything I say I'm thinking "what the fuck was that?!!?" or I can't keep the conversation going or I put my foot in it or make a twat of myself or something. With all the college work, something I'm not used to, as much as I'd like the money I can't deal with a job as well, so that's another way of meeting people (how I met L, tumteetum) gone out of the window.
And as for just going out of an evening for a drink? On my own?! Are you CRAZY?!!! I don't really want to look like a loner on my own thanks. Gay bars? Ok, so by some freak happening Exeter has two of them (ikr!!?!) but I can't really bring myself to go there. I know it sounds odd, but a lot of lesbians really do my fucking head in! The whole overly butch thing, and the whole 'oh we've all slept with each other lar dee dar' doesn't really appeal. Plus, there's only so many lesbians in Exeter; we may have two gay bars but there's only so many of us to go around! So I'd just feel ridiculously awkward. And it's not like I've got anyone to go with, cos I have no friends... *talks round in a circle*
So yeah. I'm lonely.
For friends, people to hang out with you know? Someone to text! Someone to talk to on the phone! All of this stuff normal people my age get to do would be nice thanks.
And yeah, for a girl. Even though part of me will always struggle to understand how anyone could ever like me, (even as a friend; I don't get it, you're all mad) I'm also a bit like 'wait no, I'm nice!' I care. I can be sweet and cute. I like to make you smile. I like to make you laugh. Fuck that, I love to make you smile and laugh because I love to see you smile, and laugh. Y'know?
So yeah, I'm a mess, and physically basically repulsive, but I still reckon when it comes to girlfriend material, I could be a catch! Sure, I'll freak out over all the physical stuff, but that's another issue to be fair.
So, if anyone out there wants to be friends with me, and then eventually maybe more, and is willing to look past the exterior (theres a lot of it) and the crazy (a lot of that too) then feel free to appear in my life. At this stage, I feel that as awesome as you online friends are (read; very), I need some human contact.
And I need someone to give this love to, before it turns into more of the self loathing that I've got enough of in me, and my heart starts to fester.
And with that lovely imagine, I bid you adieu, and maybe hello.