Monday, 13 September 2010

Is this the first day of the rest of my life?

First off, bonus points if you get the musical reference in the title. Bully for you and all that.

Secondly, this post, as usual, turned into more than it was meant to.

So tomorrow is Tuesday 14th September, and my first day of college since Januaryish 2009.
Suffice to say I'm fucking bricking it.
Been a bit quieter today on twitter because I haven't really known what to say. I didn't wake up properly until 11 again, and then I couldn't get out of bed, because I knew if I did I'd go and do what I don't want to want to do straight away. So instead I stayed in bed sleeping, crying and generally feeling shit until about 4.30pm, then came downstairs and had pizza for dinner. Considering I hadn't eaten all day, I didn't feel as bad about having it. But I still felt shit after it. Natch.

As I said last night, I’m probably the closest to needing to cut again as I’ve been in a while.
I figure the pressures of going back to college are getting to me more than I first thought they were. I don’t really know why I’m so surprised, it’s not like I’m any good at coping with much anyway anymore.
I’ve never been the best at social interaction anyway, and I’m even less so now since the shit happened. I’m honest, I don’t even really know how to refer to what happened now. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be ‘proud’ of being a ‘survivor’ or whatever, and be open about it or not... Or even how open I’m supposed to be. I just generally say “I’ve had a shit couple of years”, but what the fuck does that mean, you know?
Maybe a bigger part of my problem than I thought is talking about it. Not actually ‘it”, cos I’ve dealt with that as much as I can to be honest... I don’t let myself think about what happened in terms of ‘the specifics’, cos whats the point in torturing myself? I’ve moved on from what happened... It’s everything else that wont leave me alone now. It’s the abandonment by my friends, the way they treated me, the way most of the people in my past treated me and turned out, its all of that thats the problem now.
And how I do or don’t talk about what happened.
I can’t say the word out loud at all anymore. Maybe that means I haven’t moved on, but I can’t deal with that possible analysis right now, but what the hell. I can’t say the word.
So how am I supposed to talk about it?
Am I even supposed to talk about it?
I guess it freaks people out in so far as they don’t know what to say, or because no one else knows how I’m feeling about it, or how someone in my position is supposed to talk about what happened to me.

But this is all besides the point. I highly doubt (and hope) I wont have to deal with that particular conversation on my first day at college anyway.
But it’s all in my head, all the time.
What do I say to people?
How do you meet new people nowadays? I sure as hell don’t know anymore. At this rate I’m likely to forget my real name and introduce myself as Holly, then look like a right fucking twat.

My head is once again all over the place.

I’ve got to meet new people, and possibly some people from my past too. I don’t know which is freaking me out more; meeting people who know nothing about me, who wont have any pre-formed opinions of me, but will find it easier to judge me straight away or; the people who were in the year or two below me in high school and know who I used to be... They’ll be the ones wondering what the fuck I’m still doing here. I’m not bragging, but in high school, everyone always assumed I was going to do well for myself, and fast. I wasn’t popular in the usual sense of the word, but a lot of people knew my face. Having stood for elections in the UK Youth Parliament, my face was all over the school a couple of times, and I was known in the drama circle quite well. It was always my performance group who had to perform our GCSE pieces for a third time, to the lower years, as an ‘example of good work’. And of course, I was known for less desirable reasons too... When word got out about me being gay, that kind of superseded any other ‘reputation’ I’d built up over the last 3 years in that place, and the last year turned to shit. I was still known for some of the right reasons in the drama, art and music circles, as well as english, but the rest of the time... Well, I was known as the fat, weirdo lesbian who keeps getting pulled out of class to go talk to counsellors or because I kept getting landed in the shit in the last year for smoking or bunking off or worse.
But despite that, I dunno, sounds really fucking trite, but in the right circles I still retained a modicum of dignity and a better reputation. At first when I left high school and was at college, the drama teachers kept inviting me back for one reason or another. First it was to talk about starting up a higher level drama club with me as the only teacher (that never came to fruition because of exams and then... Well, life fucked me over didn’t it) and then to direct 3 girls in a short piece they were performing at Exeter University at an awards ceremony. Sounds lame, but after a couple of months directing those girls, when I went and saw them perform, (and picked up my award, la dee daa) I felt so fucking proud of them. They were cool girls as well... I think they’d kind of picked up both parts of my ‘reputation’ and didn’t really know what to make of me, so they just went with it, which was cool.

So a lot of those guys from the years below, who have uninformed gossipy opinions of me, will be at college too. And possibly doing the same subjects. So I’ve got to deal with them in some way. Sure, maybe they’ll have grown up and forgotten all that shit... Because lets be fair, they all probably had much more important things going on in their lives than me... But I still wont be able to shake that paranoia in the slightest.

I’ll see someone look at me, and panic. They think I’m fat, they think I’m ugly, they think I’m a bitch, they think I’m thick... Yes I’ll honestly believe they could have got that from looking at me for a second. I don’t half make life difficult for myself right?

Of course, you know now that by letting all this pour out of me I’m crying again right? Saying all that about how my life was, even though it wasn’t great, it was a fuck load better than it is now in many ways.

Jesus, you know things have turned to shit when you miss the days when your friends fucked you over daily, the rest of the the school you hated bitched about you, you were cutting yourself every day, getting fucking stoned before exams for the hell of it, but still managed to do alright in the things you wanted to do... Right?

Fuck me, I didn’t realise how fucked I was. I mean I did, but I didn’t, if that makes sense. Of course it doesn’t make sense, its me talking!

I miss acting. I miss drama. But I can’t go back there. I want to but I can’t. I wonder though... I mean, I haven’t got the confidence to stand anywhere as me, maybe being someone else is what I need... But its too late now. Technically I could still pick up the A2 at college, but thats the wrong kind of theatre for me right now... Too many fucking written exams for one thing. I just miss it, because hell, I was a fuck off good actress! I had nothing else at high school except that at one point. People who never in a million years would have spoken to me, told me they thought I was good at something. People who never in a million years would be jealous of someone like me, were jealous. I was good. I got into the National Youth Theatre at 16 for fucks sakes... Now I know there are others out there who did the same, but that’s because they’re good as well! I had something, I really fucking did. Acting and writing, thats what I poured myself into when I had nowhere else to go, nothing else worth even fucking living for, and then...
And then I couldn’t even get up in the morning. The last thing I wanted was to get up on stage and pretend to be someone who was happy, when I was so desperately unhappy. I couldn’t write either. I was dried up and dying... And I still kind of am.

So tomorrow, is the first day of the rest of my life.

I’ve got to walk into a room full of strangers, with maybe the odd face from my past, and hold my head up high, and try not to look like the utter wreck I am inside.
I’ve got to try and come across as confident enough to be out in public... Ha! Good one.

I mean, fuck off am I gonna be someone I’m not... But I’d be able to say that with a lot more conviction if I actually know who I am.
Right now I’m still a lost little girl, with no one to turn to who isn’t miles and hours away, with no confidence and a shit load of hang ups, issues and paranoia.

So that’s who I’ve got to be. But not.
This should be easy... I mean, I’m an actress and a writer, I deal in fictional characters, right?

Well, we’ll see.

I’ve also still not got my head around all this other stuff I’m feeling... I don’t even know what that’s all about... Right now its nothing other than a distraction, and I cant decide if its a welcome one or not. On the one hand its taking my mind somewhat off college, but on the other hand, its just another ton on my shoulders I could really do without.

Right now, I’ve just gotta stay away from knives, and any of the faces from my past I could happily cave in with my fists... And believe me, there’s a fair few of those around....

1 comment:

  1. I admire you so much for the way that you do deal with it. It happened to me to, but I've never talked about it. I still can't say the words. I had to write it down for my therapist to read. This is probably the first time ive mentioned it inabout 5 years. I just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful, amazing, strong, funny and above all a survivor. I've been a harmer for ten years and I wish somebody would have told me that. You've already won the battle by staying around to fight. -kezereth x