Diet starts tomorrow. Not yet decided whether to go back on the bars or do weight watchers full on with mum and sister. Either way, I want to be thin ffs. I hate being this disgusting. Lets go...
Monday, 11 October 2010
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Ooh, productive!
Actually had a well productive few days!
Well, few weeks really.
So I had my first full week back at college last week, and a sort of half week before that too, and it went ok. I dont feel like I'm swamped by the work yet, though it's early days lol.
Politics is meh, there's a lot to take in and it's all mainly text, so not too much of a problem yet. Though I imagine when it gets closer to the exam in January, I'll likely get a bit more stressed out by it.
English literature is going okay I guess. I don't feel like the only one in there who knows what I'm talking about, as opposed to last time round, but that's expected as they're an A2 class. Obviously they're my tutor group too, so that's where I'd normally get 'friends' from lol, but so far the social side of things seems to be slower. But it's early days I guess.
Photography seems to be going quite well actually. We've got a full on two week project on 'Self Identity' that's actually nearly done, final piece has got to be done a week on Tuesday, eek!
The whole sketchbook side of the project I feel fairly confident about, because I love that kind of thing, and didn't do too badly to get an A* out of my art gcse. I know it's a whole different kettle of fish but the basis is the same.
In terms of the actual photography, it doesn't seem to be going too badly. At least my lecturer seemed fairly impressed with the stronger shots from my first shoot when she saw them last lesson.
Outside of college, I've been doing ok I think. Got round to downloading and sorting out Photoshop on both computers, got both manual and digital SLR's sorted, and just general other stuff sorted.
Plus my sisters coming home in just over a week for about 3 months ish :) which does possibly throw up some other issues is mum wants me to come out to her and I'm like nnnnnnnngh no not yet. But hey, bridges to cross and all that.
In general, alls good... for now.
Now all I need is someone to share it all with...
Well, few weeks really.
So I had my first full week back at college last week, and a sort of half week before that too, and it went ok. I dont feel like I'm swamped by the work yet, though it's early days lol.
Politics is meh, there's a lot to take in and it's all mainly text, so not too much of a problem yet. Though I imagine when it gets closer to the exam in January, I'll likely get a bit more stressed out by it.
English literature is going okay I guess. I don't feel like the only one in there who knows what I'm talking about, as opposed to last time round, but that's expected as they're an A2 class. Obviously they're my tutor group too, so that's where I'd normally get 'friends' from lol, but so far the social side of things seems to be slower. But it's early days I guess.
Photography seems to be going quite well actually. We've got a full on two week project on 'Self Identity' that's actually nearly done, final piece has got to be done a week on Tuesday, eek!
The whole sketchbook side of the project I feel fairly confident about, because I love that kind of thing, and didn't do too badly to get an A* out of my art gcse. I know it's a whole different kettle of fish but the basis is the same.
In terms of the actual photography, it doesn't seem to be going too badly. At least my lecturer seemed fairly impressed with the stronger shots from my first shoot when she saw them last lesson.
Outside of college, I've been doing ok I think. Got round to downloading and sorting out Photoshop on both computers, got both manual and digital SLR's sorted, and just general other stuff sorted.
Plus my sisters coming home in just over a week for about 3 months ish :) which does possibly throw up some other issues is mum wants me to come out to her and I'm like nnnnnnnngh no not yet. But hey, bridges to cross and all that.
In general, alls good... for now.
Now all I need is someone to share it all with...
Saturday, 25 September 2010
So You Want To Be A Writer - Charles Bukowski
if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.
if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.
don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.
when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.
there is no other way.
and there never was.
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.
if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.
don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.
when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.
there is no other way.
and there never was.
Saturday, 18 September 2010
I'm unable
more than I can say I am
feeling like
the walls of the worlds
are caving in
doubling back and landing
on my head
cracking my shoulders and skull.
When everything leads
back to things unsaid
and you wish
for the times you hated
you know
there's a problem.
But the truth isnt far behind me
and its trying to rely
on my falling
yet again.
Hands fall down
and there's no skin left
underneath your hips
when I breathe,
deep into my lungs you creep
and we slip into
some kind of
remnant we lost.
more than I can say I am
feeling like
the walls of the worlds
are caving in
doubling back and landing
on my head
cracking my shoulders and skull.
When everything leads
back to things unsaid
and you wish
for the times you hated
you know
there's a problem.
But the truth isnt far behind me
and its trying to rely
on my falling
yet again.
Hands fall down
and there's no skin left
underneath your hips
when I breathe,
deep into my lungs you creep
and we slip into
some kind of
remnant we lost.
Friday, 17 September 2010
Stops for no man.
So my best mate moves to Chichester uni tomorrow :(
And my mums in London for the weekend, and it sounds like grandads getting ill again :(
It's nearly a month til it's a year since my nan died :(
Although I don't feel as shit as I expected, I do feel lonely again. For a change.
Hurry up and come home sis?
And my mums in London for the weekend, and it sounds like grandads getting ill again :(
It's nearly a month til it's a year since my nan died :(
Although I don't feel as shit as I expected, I do feel lonely again. For a change.
Hurry up and come home sis?
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Moving on up?
Right now I feel happy.
Mum and dad just told me that my sister is coming home for 3 months ish in October. Since we left her in Aus, she's been feeling really down apparently. Having not been around when all the shit was going on with me, and when nan died, and then when we were over there and grandad had his heart attack, it really got to her.
So she basically broke down at Uni the other day and her boss basically said, "go home, you need it." She's been feeling like she's been wasting her scholarship because she hasn't been able to concentrate, and the uni have said they'll suspend it for her no problem. As well as that, apparently one of her housemates has now turned into a druggie, so she'd have to move out anyway.
So I get her back again for a while :)
She wont ever admit it, but its for her. She needs the break away to sort her head out. Grandad cant drive his car at the moment anyway, so she'll borrow that, and maybe get a part time job to get some money together.
And I get her back :)
In terms of college, its been... weird.
It feels so weird being back in that place... where I used to have friends and a future I was sure of.
In terms of people... I dunno. Some of the people in some of my classes seem cool, others... well, I can already tell we ain't gonna get along!
The whole 'making friends' malarky is already freaking me out though. On the one hand I feel like I'm better off on my own, but then I know how lonely I've been feeling. But I dont know what to say to anyone!
I've never been brilliant at meeting new people, and I'm even worse now. Doesn't help in some classes cos of where I'm sat... I overhear other peoples conversations and I'm like "I have something in common with you", and I'm stuck on the table where no one's saying anything.
I dunno... I know it's early days... as in, two days. Just gotta give it time right?
So now I've got to make a start on the first bit of coursework... already got a fucking 2 week photography project deadline!!
Starting with research on photographers and exploration of self identity... yay.
Only tricky things are some of the subjects at college actually... first photography project is on self identity; I dont know who I am. First english lit topic is home; I hate being here. And in politics today my lecturer hinted at one of the things we'd be discussing under the criminality and feminism umbrella would be rape and self harm... Just gotta keep my head I guess.
So... off to research and brain storm I go!
Mum and dad just told me that my sister is coming home for 3 months ish in October. Since we left her in Aus, she's been feeling really down apparently. Having not been around when all the shit was going on with me, and when nan died, and then when we were over there and grandad had his heart attack, it really got to her.
So she basically broke down at Uni the other day and her boss basically said, "go home, you need it." She's been feeling like she's been wasting her scholarship because she hasn't been able to concentrate, and the uni have said they'll suspend it for her no problem. As well as that, apparently one of her housemates has now turned into a druggie, so she'd have to move out anyway.
So I get her back again for a while :)
She wont ever admit it, but its for her. She needs the break away to sort her head out. Grandad cant drive his car at the moment anyway, so she'll borrow that, and maybe get a part time job to get some money together.
And I get her back :)
In terms of college, its been... weird.
It feels so weird being back in that place... where I used to have friends and a future I was sure of.
In terms of people... I dunno. Some of the people in some of my classes seem cool, others... well, I can already tell we ain't gonna get along!
The whole 'making friends' malarky is already freaking me out though. On the one hand I feel like I'm better off on my own, but then I know how lonely I've been feeling. But I dont know what to say to anyone!
I've never been brilliant at meeting new people, and I'm even worse now. Doesn't help in some classes cos of where I'm sat... I overhear other peoples conversations and I'm like "I have something in common with you", and I'm stuck on the table where no one's saying anything.
I dunno... I know it's early days... as in, two days. Just gotta give it time right?
So now I've got to make a start on the first bit of coursework... already got a fucking 2 week photography project deadline!!
Starting with research on photographers and exploration of self identity... yay.
Only tricky things are some of the subjects at college actually... first photography project is on self identity; I dont know who I am. First english lit topic is home; I hate being here. And in politics today my lecturer hinted at one of the things we'd be discussing under the criminality and feminism umbrella would be rape and self harm... Just gotta keep my head I guess.
So... off to research and brain storm I go!
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