little feathers

Theatre review - 13 by Mike Bartlett

2011-12-15T18:05:00.000Z

13 - by Mike Bartlett
Production date Friday 2nd December 2011, National Theatre
Directed by Thea Sharrock
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Writer-in-residence Mike Bartlett's latest offering for the National is an ambitious, sprawling look at modern day London that has received mixed reviews from the press, and I can certainly see why. With an ensemble cast of 13 you would hope there is something for everyone, but instead it left me feeling bored and uninspired.

A Christ-like figure arrives in a painfully obviously parallel London of a few months ago, while a group of people are waking from the nightmares that plague them each night. He quickly gains a following of disciples (12 of them, making him the 13th - how clever) as he preaches on a bucket about 'belief' and other vague yet rousing crowd-pleasers. Meanwhile, the female Conservative Prime Minister, who is at pains to remind us is absolutely not Margaret Thatcher, agonizes on whether or not to join the US in a war on Iran. A precocious little girl is killed before the interval presumably to ask us if personal responsibility is greater than government responsibility, and because due to child acting laws she has to be in bed, but the character was so odious I hardly think many judged the mother too harshly. There is a sprinkling of mystery with John's reappearance that takes 2 hours to come to any kind of fruition, but never really feels all that interesting anyway.

Surprisingly the most likable character is Geraldine James' steely Prime Minister, giving a persuasive and passionate defense of Conservative values in a modern world, which was possibly one of the best pieces of dialogue in the whole play. Aside from a comedic cleaner and her nervous yet endearing would-be boyfriend, who gets to regale the audience with some spooky facts about the number 13 in case we'd forgotten the title, most of the other characters felt unfinished, and served merely as superfluous, orbiting, stilted plot devices to facilitate dramatic revelations, which even then it largely failed to do.
The second half, while easier to follow thanks to the pruning of characters, felt far too much like a late night televised debate between a pompous, self important and ultimately disappointing 'Messiah' and an angry, borderline Islamaphobic atheist who happened to be dying of cancer, at which point I was surprised John didn't attempt a 'healing'.

In terms of set design, Tom Scutt's revolving black box center piece completely fails to capture any of modern London's atmosphere, and aside from a few slightly clever moments where the action was contained within the cube, it felt too bland a set. For a minimalist set to really work the action on the stage has to be compelling enough, the writing more absorbing, for the audience to really suspend disbelief and be transported by the actors. When the source material is as dull and insipid as 13 however, a minimalist set doesn't so much highlight the drama on stage but rather the lack of it.

Bartlett has attempted to write a play that interweaves government, politics and personal responsibility with human drama, but for all of its posturing and gesticulating, its angst-ridden riotous youth and social network revolution it is a play without any real direction or point.
There is a preachiness to 13 that I found tedious and frustrating, and I felt I was watching a play that wanted so badly to say something and to be so very profound, but never manages to decide whats its point is. Instead it settles for trying to tell us everything in an overly long plot riddled with monologues that feel like patronizing teachers, led by a sanctimonious and entirely unbelievable Welsh man, a character so irritating that even Trystan Gravelle's performance cannot save him.

Wanderlust.

2011-05-31T00:26:00.001+01:00

I haven't written anything on this blog for a while. If you care, I apologise. If you don't, well, carry on.

In some ways I've felt like I've needed to blog here everyday for the last few months, but I feel like I haven't been able to. I still almost feel like I can't. Almost in a "not allowed to" kind of way. There are people who (theoretically anyway) read this blog, it's not set to private, so it's there, so sometimes recently I've felt that my usual avenue of expression and expulsion hasn't been open to me. The same goes for twitter to some degree.

I don't know.

Things have been up and down over the last few months. For a while I thought they were going to stay up, at least level out if not keep getting better. But that was a stupid hope. Cos things went tits up. Just for a change.
Again I don't really feel I can say much about it, for fear of criticism. Actua
lly, I don't think that's what I mean. I just mean that, stuff happened, and someone else is involved, and in theory they could read this. And it's not criticism, and I don't dear it. Because to be honest I'm allowed to say what I want, and it's not like any body really reads this. There's been something going round on Tumblr recently, a quote saying something about broadcasting your every thought on the Internet as a way to... you know what I can't even remember the quote. But I know it's true for me. Yes, I can know that something I can't remember, applies to me. I'm a genius. Anyway.
For all I know the only person that reads this is me, ever. If others do read it, then I'm grateful. But I've always maintained that this blog is, along with other creative outlets, a place and a way for me to get stuff out of my head, a weird kind of therapy. Sure I could just write it down somewhere private, but somehow the thought that someone could in theory read it, and maybe offer me advice, or care enough to talk to me, is more theraputic than if I just wrote it somewhere only I could see it. I'm deviating again.

The point is that for a while I thought I was onto a really good thing with someone. They know how I felt, and still feel. But things changed. I didn't think they would, at least not that quickly, but they did.
So I'm in a position now where I feel my usual ways of getting stuff off my chest isn't available for me, because the other person involved could get shitty. Part of me thinks if they do get shitty, it proves something. I don't know. I never really know anything apparently.

So yeah. The last week or so has been rough on my heart and my emotions. I was able to blog here about the situation with Lucie and how that turned out, but feel unable to do so this time around. Which is slightly frustrating. At times I've thought I need a pseudonym for my pseudonym. Silly.

But aside from all that stuff, which I'm still sorting through in my head, all the hurt, all the anger, the frustration, the confusion and, somehow still, the deepest caring for someone, that I will hopefully eventually get my head around, I'm.... Okay.
I can't think of any other word to describe my state right now than okay.
If you'd have asked me last week I would have said "awful". A few months before and I would have told you "I feel great. Amazing. There is someone in my life making me smile every fucking day, who I love, and I miss, and I want to see every day." or something to that effect.
Now?
I've started losing some weight, apparently not eating for 4 days when I felt really fucking down and angry worked a treat for that. Bright side.

I've applied to my uni's, picked Greenwich as my first choice and De Montfort as my second. Obviously there will always be a part of me that's disappointed that I won't make it to a 'better' uni now, but I have to keep reminding myself that that isn't my fault. Greenwich is lovely though. And I always knew I'd end up at a London university really, because I'm in love with London.
But obviously to get there I have to pass my A Levels.
I'm confident of at least a B in my Photography AS, if not an A. I got a B for my English coursework and an A in the first module of my A2 Politics. Basically for my two A2's (English & Politics) I need an A and a B. Politics will actually be easier to get an A in thanks to my AS results, I need to get 73% on this last module to get an A, whereas in English I'd have to get full marks for every question to get an A, so a B is more achievable there.
Revision is going... with difficulty.
I've basically got 2 weeks until both my exams on the 16th June. In theory that's plenty of time if I really apply myself and get my ass into fucking gear. Which is what I need to do.

After exams I need to concentrate on sorting out shit to take to uni, losing fuck loads of weight, and getting a job.
I'm also gonna sell loads of my gadgets and stuff for some extra funds for uni. But I will need a job. Eugh. If someone would like to pay me for sleeping I'd be all for it.

In typical me fashion I'm getting distracted by thoughts of selling gadgets etc now, when I need to be concentrating on revision.
I've been thinking of moving from the iPhone 4 to an HTC, and I've told myself I'm going to wait until after my exams to do that, but seem to be finding myself gravitating towards the HTC website time and time again. I need more self discipline.
Story of my life.

When I think about going to university, I do get a bit excited. But I think when I see myself there, in my minds eye it's a thin me I see. A marginally more attractive me. A happy me. A new me.
I've got the summer to find that version of this girl.
I'm excited but also somewhat terrified, in all honesty. I'm hoping that my housemates aren't a girls, because I genuinely don't think I could cope with all the bitching. I'd hope for an even guy/girl mix, best case scenario. And I seriously, really hope I don't end up sharing with a bunch of weirdos. For that matter, I'm more than happy to be the weirdo of our halls. Easily. Just please don't give me a flat load of cunts... I'm totally getting five utter weirdos now aren't I?

I think I've been feeling left behind again, as my old friends start coming home for the summer having finished their first year at uni. I've seen Hannah a couple of times now and each time it's felt really awkward, like we don't know how to be around each other anymore, and I don't understand why. I was with her and a friend she knows from friends, and they seemed to get on so much easier than her and I did. And she's supposed to be my best friend.

I guess I'm just maybe straining at the bit for a real, proper fresh start. This year at college was meant to be a fresh start in some respects, but that's difficult in the same city, in the same college, with some of the same faces.
I can't wait to get to London and find out more who I am. Get away from the past, the memories round every corner of friends who turned out to be cunts. Be a better me, maybe even the me I actually want to be. I can only get that if I get away from here and break away.

So. I'm excited and terrified about uni, nervous and stressing over exams, determined to but scared I'll fail to lose weight, and still hurting from other stuff.
That's my life right now.

Oh, and Doctor Who. That is also a big part of my life right now. Amazing.

H.x

Taking a break.

2011-03-03T20:12:00.003Z

So some of you my have noticed that I've been absent from twitter these last few days, compared to usual, and may have wondered why. I don't know, you might not have noticed or you might have noticed and not really cared, or been thankful that I've finally shut up rambling on about shit you don't really give a fuck about. Anyway. I have been quiet.

I'm not going to go into details because I'm not really sure myself what happened, if anything, but something sort of happened on Tuesday that kind of threw me and I basically had like, a mini breakdown? Sort of? I'm not really sure what happened, all I know is I freaked out and 5 minutes later I woke up. So, I figured I needed to take a break from some shit, and something had to give, so it was twitter and other online stuff. I'm feeling under pressure and so very stressed, and I'm tired of my body apparently not being able to cope with anything and getting ill in some way or another every five minutes. My immune system is completely fucked and come Wednesday I felt entirely wiped out. Lethargic, a bit numb, and slightly more broken than I've felt in a while. Things are getting to me. College work, friendships or lack thereof, family stuff, and my general inability to cope with anything. So for the last few days I've been basically in a vegetative state, just lying around staring at the ceilings and trying to focus on the mountain of college work I've got to do, to no avail. When it comes to writing my essay I've got a block on, again. Just for a change. I've tried pushing through it, working around it, sneaking up on it, slipping underneath it, jumping over it, nothing works. As with most things I write on here, I'm not really sure why the fuck I'm even telling you this. I'm pretty sure very few people read this and those that do usually don't have anything to say so it's basically me just talking to myself. Just for a change. But then thats sort of what I want. I'm ranting to the ether that plagues me in a way. I haven't been able to focus on sorting myself out for my interview next week either, and I don't know why. I need to sort out a portfolio and that's going to cost money and take time, neither of which I really have. And it turns out that as well as the portfolio and the sketchbooks as an example of my work, I have to have a written piece on "art history or visual theory" apparently, something that in AS Photography we haven't really covered, so I'm a bit stuck on that. I thought I could probably do something on the history of the camera in the evolution of documentary and street photography, as I sort of looked at that in the last project, but I'm not really sure if that'll be anything like what they want. But its the only idea I've got. But again I've got a block with that too. I just keep thinking to myself, for fucks sakes, this is only the second year of college, and not even technically a full second year as I'm taking less subjects, and I can't even cope with that, I might as well give up on the idea of university. If I can't cope on my own with plenty of support around me, how the fuck am I going to fare when its just me in my little dorm room miles from home with my idiot self as my only motivation?

I've felt close to cutting, I've felt like calling my old dealer and trying to get stoned, I've felt like drinking so much I throw up, I've felt like starving myself, I've felt like punching the walls, and I've done nothing. The ceilings of my house have had more attention from me than my future. I know full well that over the last few months most people would say I've been prioritising wrong... but at the time it really didn't feel like I was, and to be honest it still doesn't in a way. Like, there are things I still want to do but can't, don't feel I can. I realise not a lot of this will make sense to you all. I'm not sure it makes sense to me right now. I don't know. I take my tablets like a good girl, I get up and try my best to actually get on with my life, but this last week its felt like all I'm facing is a brick wall. I'm trying, I really am. I am so fucking tired of feeling sorry for myself, so god knows how fed up you lot must be of me. It really is a conscious decision to move on from everything, and it's a choice I have to make every day, and to be quite honest I'm starting to get tired of making that decision. Why should I carry on? I don't have anything to lose - but that statement speaks for both sides of the coin really. I'm physically tired and mentally tired, again.

I'm living in a cyclical state apparently. Up, down, round and round.

I'm my own worst enemy and I've tried to make peace with myself but I can't seem to.

So I've hit another wall and I'm all out of ideas, so I'm taking time and space. Time to stare at my ceiling and fret. I haven't been into college all week, partly because of the tonsillitis, and partly because I haven't been able to face it. I really think the holidays have been detrimental to my time at college. After the christmas break I felt like it was my first day all over again, I felt terrified and paranoid and so very awkward and panicky, and I know when I do eventually go back again it'll be the same. I had to go into town to post something today and had to fully psyche myself up to get out of the fucking car, and I was shaking like a fucking leaf the whole time walking around my own city center. That's not how its supposed to go. I'm 18 years old and half the time I feel like a fucking agoraphobic recluse unable to function in public. And that is not how it's supposed to go. I'm tired of people telling me its ok to STILL feel like this after "what happened" because its like, you know what, who the fuck cares? I'm actually tired of having an 'excuse' for everything I do. I wish what had happened hadn't happened, of course I fucking do, but not just because of the damage it did to me, and apparently still does. This past week I've been having nightmares and some of them have just been huge, long flashbacks and I wake up crying and hurting and about to scream but there's nothing I can do. I've got 'reasons' for everything I do but more and more they feel like lame fucking 'excuses' for me being a fucking unable, unmotivated, socially retarded, fractured moron. Yeah I've been angry these past few days, and not just at myself, but mainly at myself. I have a tendency to screw things up - I think I'm going to so I try and cover my tracks before I've even done anything and that turns out to be just as idiotic. I'm on a learning curve and it feels never ending. And now I've spent longer writing this than I've been able to spend on any of my coursework over the last week. What does that say about me? Probably what I already know - that I'm a fucking self absorbed cock up who cant see anything beyond her own immediate misery. But you know what, at the same time I can put all of this, every single fucking drop of self misery and anger and what have you, for the right person, or people if I know where to go and I don't even know where I'm going with this sentence because I've apparently just been thrown off whatever train of thought I was on because I looked at Spotify and I know I don't even remember what I was saying. My attention span really is shit too. I know I don't have the monopoly on feeling shit. I know that. I do. Honestly. Again, thought train - poof. I've got too much I need to do, not just college stuff, but sorting my life out, sorting out my money, throwing stuff away, selling stuff, buying stuff, recording stuff, sorting through boxes both physical and literal, and I feel like time is so not on my side.

I feel like I want to run away. Just get in my car, with a bag of clothes, some food, money, the Air, music, and go. I wont know where and I'll probably crash my car getting lost or going on the motorway for the first time alone and get ploughed into, but aside from that, I want to get away. I know I bang on about it but going to Australia was so fucking good for me, I came back feeling, yeah a hell of a lot like I wanted to go back, but also I knew that I couldn't so I felt more focussed and positive of the stuff ahead of me. And now I feel like I need to get away again, but I can't can I? Because I've got too much to do. Sometimes, to be totally honest, I feel like having a public breakdown/freakout and getting committed or something, because at least then I'd get a break and get to go away somewhere. But funnily enough I'd rather have a break away somewhere of my spontaneous choosing that stare at a different set of four white walls for a spell. But you get what I mean. I hope.

Anyway this has gone on longer than I intended.

So I've taken a break from twitter because I can't take a break from life. I've not replied to texts or emails or anything for two days. I know its all counter productive because it's just more stuff that stacks up and I have to deal with sooner or later, but in a weird way its been nice just ignoring everyone. I say everyone, I've had about a grand total of 8 texts/emails/forms of correspondence over the last two/three days and whilst in some ways I haven't actually enjoyed not saying anything I kind of haven't had anything to say. Believe that of me or not, having read this. It's contradictory too that its twitter I've taken a break from when twitter/general internet stuff has been my sort of sanctuary in the past. I've seen most people I follow go through a period of disillusionment with twitter over the last few months and I guess its my turn. Most of the stuff I say on there nowadays is fucking well boring as shit anyway, so I might as well not say it if no ones bothered about hearing it. You know those things on tumblr that have been going round like "when you start telling a story and realise no ones listening so you just sort of tail off to a mumble and stop talking?" or "when you ask a question and no one hears so you pretend you didn't say anything?" well thats pretty much me. Don't get me wrong, not just on twitter, and I'm not about to turn into one of those people that moans whenever no one replies to them and takes it personally, because I know you lot actually do have lives to lead so aren't just sitting by waiting for me to display my scintillating and sparkling wit in some stunning diatribe or whatever. But yeah sometimes I'm just sat twiddling my thumbs and it leads to the usual thinking of "hmm, I wonder what it'd be like to have a social life again, I can't remember." etc.

Aaaaaaanyway. I will actually try and round this up now. So yes, twitter break covered. I don't know when full service will be resumed, so to speak. I may be around more over the weekend and then resume radio silence in the week next week, or I might not be around over the weekend at all. I have things to focus on and I'm going to really have to try so fucking hard if I don't want to end up too closely resembling the fucking failure I was this time last year. That's going to be a challenge for me.

To a few people out there, I just want to say I'm sorry, again, and that... well... I guess I've said all I can to you without being a complete cunt so yeah. Just, sorry.

Anyway, having written more for my own 'pleasure' than I have for my education, and all to come to NO conclusion whatsoever, I'm off to... well... probably listen to more angry music whilst I fail again at giving up smoking and stare at a blank screen with the words "ENGLISH PATIENT/EDWIN MUIR ESSAY" at the top and probably have some more nightmare's tonight or something. I feel like I know where this is headed, and that that's the only way to snap myself out of it, but I don't want that to be the only way out again, so I'll have to push myself to breaking point again and then probably snap and end up there anyway so just call me Miss Entirely Counter Productive.

Have nice lives and what not.

H.x

2011-01-19T20:38:00.001Z

Ema is flawed. If you want to help kids AND ensure the money is actually spent on educational maintenance, ie travel to college, textbooks, food etc, then scrap the system and implement my much clever system; use the money you'd normally give straight to student who then fritter it away on whatever, to subsidise bus fare even more to give kids free transport to college - if some of the £30 per week was to be spent on that anyway, it goes to the same place. Set up a college account at Waterstones or with Amazon, and the kids show proof of being at that college and a book list and they get their textbooks paid for that way. Work together with local businesses to provide HEALTHY meals for students - give them vouchers for meals in shops, the cost of which you subsidise.
It's pretty obvious that ema is hugely flawed.
Judging how much a kid gets based on their parents earning is ridiculous; for someone who's parents earn say £1000 over the means testing threshold, the system effectively assumes that all of that £1000 will be spent on that child's two years at college, regardless of other familial overheads and bills etc that the parents (whose income you test after all) have to pay for. Even though whose parents are further over the threshold have those things to think about! Having parents who earn above the means testing threshold does NOT assure that money goes to the child's education.
And extolling ema as an incentive to get kids to go to college? Rubbish. Give a kid £30 a week and tell him "you must spend this on books and paper etc, but we've got no way of checking whether that's what you're actually using it for, or if the tax payer's are giving you a night out, so have fun" and what do you expect to happen? There are plenty of people out there who see high school as a chore, and as soon as they hit 16 want to get out of the system, so why drag them back in with a hand out? So they can sit on classrooms, if they ever turn up, an distract those of us who want to work hard, who want that education? So they can be the 'problem' kids? Give them something more worthwhile to do! Don't give them 'something for nothing' to the detriment of others who actually want to remain in the education system.
I truly believe there is merit in a meritocratic system, and to be honest, the abolition of ema is a first step to that - it's harsh but it's true. Some people aren't built for college, and academia. But that's not to say they aren't 'worth as much' or 'less human' or any of this other foundational equality mirth - those not cut out for academia have other skills that society should by now have learnt how to utilise, for our sake and theirs.
I'm all for equality of opportunity, which is why I believe any ema-like system should not judge just on monetary grounds but on some degree of academic ability: every one has had the same opportunity at high school, so those that can show they actually want to continue with education should obviously have that chance.
So in essence, I agree with the scrappage of ema. It was an unfair system anyway, implemented poorly.
How did people manage to get through college before ema? Ask my brother and sister. Ask me. Or get a job. Thrift. Save and don't spend. Don't assume you 'deserve' a handout - life is hard and everyone has to to work at what they want. But as I say, removing ema should theoretically mean that the money previously used for it should be used in some other educationally beneficial manner, most importantly, for those most willing to learn and apply themselves.

God I sound like a Tory :P

And another thing: the British public really piss me off.
You vote for someone that isn't Labour because you blame them for every problem under the sun, voting for 'change', then you moan like a banshee when anything actually is changed!
Most of the people up in arms about all the reforms being made are those that don't understand them.
I do not for one moment proclaim to be an expert on any such reforms, which is why I'm keeping my mouth shut. I have initial opinions based on the little knowledge I do have, but I'm not going to push that down anyone's throat til I actually have all the facts and know more what I'm talking about.
Sure, if after consideration and possession of the facts I don't like it, then I'll say so, as everyone is so very entitled to do. But what bothers me most about a lot of the British public (vast generalisation I know) is how fickle and ignorant they are.
"We don't understand this, so we'll disagree and shout about it."
You wanted change? You got it. At least find out what that change is before you go running around with your juvenile name calling and partisan bullshit.
One thing the British do well is turn on what we have created.

New Years 'Resolutions"

2011-01-01T23:20:00.002Z

So I am in essence in agreement with the many people who say that if there's something in your life, or something about yourself that you want to change, why should you wait until some 'special' year preordained by society for such a move?

But at the same time, I don't see the harm. New Years is just another day, yes, but at the same time for many people its more than that. It is a new start. A line in the sand under all the rubbish that may have happened in the previous 365/6 days. A chance to turn over a new leaf.

Yes of course, if there are big things that need changing then that should be true on any day of the year, but its a marker, a big loud shouty marker saying "Look, you've been saying you want to do X, change Y, become more Z for god knows how long now? Just do it you utter bozo. Use me! I'm a day that gets lit on fire so it's not as though you can miss me! Start from now, go on!" and I don't see the harm in that.

I know that for myself, New Years is a strange time of year. When I was younger I would spend it with my parents one year, and then the next year they'd spend it with friends and I'd stay round my nans house, so obviously as nan is no longer with us, the night has a lot of memories in that sense.

And obviously, it carries a lot of other unpleasant memories for me. Although actually, to be quite honest its New Years day rather than eve thats more of a struggle. I say is, it's only been two years, and last year I spent the period in a cottage in Cornwall with my parents so I escaped from the city that would have been too much and so it didn't really touch me. My parents and I went out into the snow at about 2340 with a glass of wine each and went and stood so we could see the fireworks and look out over the countryside and the sea, and just had a quiet moment, because it was a big moment for all three of us really. It really did feel palpable that time, that shift from one year to the next. I felt momentarily like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, the weight of 2009 pressing down on me had become too much, too many memories. Obviously I know memories never go away, I've been living with them ever since, but you know what I mean. That that change of the year from 09-10 felt more real in a way.

And then there was the 10-11 change just now obviously. Yes, a big part of me 6 months ago would have said that I'd hope to be out celebrating with people for 2011, to feel ready for that, but most of me knows that was just wishful thinking. I still freak out in crowds a little, and more so at night. I'm better than I was a year ago, but it still shits me because I always used to love the night time and still do, but I'm not 'scared of the dark' now, but I'm definitely more wary and edgy in the dark than I used to be. I used to go for walks at night just for the hell of it, but now if I have to walk anywhere at night my eyes are darting everywhere and my skin prickles at every shift in the wind, and every noise is louder in my ears. But like I say, I was ever worse a while back. Now I can cope at night. But crowds are another thing.

So the fact I wasn't up to going out this year, ignoring the fact I have no friends to have gone anywhere with :'D I suppose I shouldn't let get me down. Better to wait til I'm ready and have people around me I trust than rush out and freak out right?

Anyway, I digress. Standard.

My point is that I know some people get angry about the whole fuss made over New years, and on the whole I do too, but the difference is I understand what it can mean to people and how people make it a big deal for their own reasons, and if they don't hurt anyone else whats the harm.

So this year, I have sort of made some New Years Resolutions. Yes, they are things I've wanted to change for a while, some are ones that have been 'in progress' for a while, but why not take the opportunity to give myself a kick up the backside? Sometime being in a herd of sheep can be a good thing; you've always got the farmer to get you moving right?

So, my new years resolutions, if anyones bothered. Actually, sod that, even if you're not at least by writing them here someone else will have seen them so I'm not just going to have myself to answer to.

Do well in my A Levels. Says it all. I want to get out of Exeter now, too many memories in this place. I'll be scared of uni, and I'll struggle so hard come exams, but I want to do as well as I possibly can.

Be more organised. Obviously related to the latter, but just in general too.

Improve my timekeeping. Anyone who follows me on twitter knows how atrocious I am at being on time for anything, so I need to work on that :')

Keep writing more. Simples. Been neglecting it again and that makes me sad. I think its because I've been getting exasperated more at the inability to express myself fully, but I dont want writers block again so I need to power through.

Start up my creative outlets again. I want to pick up my guitar again and get writing songs again. I'd gotten to the point where I was so nearly ready to perform, but then my confidence was stolen. Sometimes I dont think I've got the worst singing voice in the world, but so far if I'm singing in my room and I hear the front door open I clam up, my stage fright for singing is that bad. I also want to get back into art again. Sketching, painting, drawing, whatever, I want to get it going again. I've just ordered some new ProMarkers and another Moleskine to get doing some stuff there, so hopefully I can crack the back of that.

Lose weight. I know its one that SO many people make year after year, and that I've said it before, but there you have it. My lifelong struggle with weight will fucking well end this year. I nearly ended it once, in year 11 I lost like, 4 stone in 6 months I think? and was at my thinnest and happiest. Then the depression train hit, which apparently in my case comprises of a bed, a sofa, and every other carriage is a free all you can eat buffet :') and I fucking ballooned. Seriously. I don't want to say how heavy I was at my biggest ie not that long ago (6 months ish?), maybe when I've lost more I will, but right now I still feel like I'm too close to that weight to admit it. Even though I know I'm not; thanks to the dieting in the first half of last year I am actually still roughly 4 stone lighter than my heaviest, not the same as I was in year 11 and lost 4 stone - way more than that - but still, having lost that 4 stone I am now roughly at what I was in year 11 I think. I'm speaking roughly here because I haven't got the figures in front of me.

But yes. I am sick and tired of being this fat. I'm 18 ffs and I hate everything I see in the mirror, and it isn't healthy. And I mean that in every respect. So I will get rid of it. Lets just say that every time I've dieted my ideal ideal weight has always been 10-12 stone, with 10 being like my ideal image in my head and 12 being probably more realistic, ish. So this year I am determined to at least, firstly, get back down to what I managed in year 11 which if I'm brutally honest was just one last push away from the ideal goal, and then hopefully get down to it. No, not hopefully. I will.

I've tried so many diets so many times, and I know that essentially it is easy; eat less and do more. But unfortunately I am a big food lover and apparently have the metabolism of a fucking elephant, or a sloth, or something with a really slow metabolism, so I've always been a bigger kid. But I hate it. So I will change it.

Find more confidence. Be happy. Smile more. Obviously all of what I want isn't going to come simply, or easily, or magically, and as I said yesterday I know this road to recovery or whatever you want to call it is by no means easy or short, but this year I want to make real strides along it. Going back to college was a big step. Meeting twitter people at the tweet up was a big step. I made some baby steps this year, and some bigger ones, when I think back I guess overall I should be proud of how far I've come this last year. I've gone from being more or less a total recluse, to having some mild semblance of a life. As hard as it is to believe sometimes, I'm not all bad. I have good intentions and a good heart. I don't like hurting people and I like making people laugh. I want to have parts of that girl I was back, when I found more confidence after losing that weight, and I will. I'll get those parts back, and I'll make the overall package even better. I can be what I want to be, cant I? Yes. I have to believe that I can. And hey, if worst comes to worst and I really struggle at losing the weight and what have you, then i will seriously consider using that money for plastic surgery :'D (she says like she hasn't seriously thought about it already).

If I'm honest, all of this that I want to change about myself, it isn't just for me. Sure, becoming who I want to be will make me happier, but thats only part of it. There are people in my life now, and people I hope to have in my life more in the future, that I want to be better for. Better in every sense - you know the whole "no one will love you until you can love yourself" thing? Well I guess its not entirely true because people love different things, but the element that I get from it is this; you can't let anyone love you, and really believe they love you, unless you even like yourself and believe you're worth it. That's the boat I'm in I guess, and I want to jump ship. I want to get on a bigger boat, with room for two of us and not just me in my neurosis, because really, there's more than enough room in my heart because I just love everyone, friends, family, whatever. At the minute it seems the only person I don't have room for in there, is myself, and I guess that has to change.

I have a lot to give, and I want to feel able to give it without constantly thinking about myself and how scared I am, and without freaking out and over analysing etc.

So my reasons for wanting to change, to better myself, are not entirely selfish because a happier me benefits other people right?

Anyway, its gone 1am now and I was supposed to be getting an early night tonight. Good one.

As usual I still have so much I want to say, but I'll just end up talking round in circles and blathering on about nothing and everything as I get gradually tireder, so I'll leave it there.

This is a new year, though the months and days have the same names and nothing changes there, I will.

Happy new year you beautiful people.

Thinking ahead and out.

2011-01-01T04:19:00.005Z

Note; as per usual, this started as one thing and then sorta... developed a life of its own? I know I haven't written anything on here for a while, but that might change this year, who knows! Anyway, yeah, this is more or less a stream of consciousness.

I'm the kind of person who thinks so far ahead. Too far ahead maybe.

I want to be in a relationship with someone by the time I go back to Australia, and I want them to come with me. While I was there, I'd go off on little walks on my own every now and again, at dusk or at dawn, or even in the middle of the day, and I'd find these little spots and be like… "wow. I want to share this with someone." The path down the spine of Palm Beach/Summer Bay approaching dusk, when the light swam and glittered through the leaves of the trees and danced on the colder sand in the shadows, that led to a little sandy clearing on the edge of Barranjoey Head, nestling into the cliff and sloping down towards the gorgeous stretch of Palm Beach, where I could see one couple silhouetted in the distance walking along holding hands. Uluru at sunset, naturally. That little boat house by the river in Perth, that I drove or walked past nearly every day; I want to walk down the little jetty and sit in there, dangling our feet in the water while we have a picnic, then when the sun gets high you can fall asleep on me in the corner or we'll cross the road and doze under the huge trees, draped across roots as thick as my legs. Busselton - the winding streets and the parks, and the jetty, jeez that jetty at sunset. And all these other little places just dotted along the Great Ocean Road that so obviously could be romantic, and would have been… if I wasn't with my parents :') like Apollo Bay, to wake up and just open the door right onto that beach. And oh god, how could I forget Monkey Mia? The views, the beach, the sea, and the dolphins. (Everything there just seemed so… full, and happy. Naturally I'm sitting here getting mega nostalgic for Australia now and totally wanting to be back there, and not just for the romantic bits!)

It's like I look into a version of my future, more like a wish, a dream or whatever, and I can see so clearly how I want things to be with 'my girl', but everything else is blurry. My face is blurry, and my body is barely there; obviously this is reflective of my desire to look different, to lose weight and transform my body but my lack of confidence at my ability to ever do so. Age is indeterminate, neither of us are any age at all, it could be tomorrow I'm seeing, or 5 years away from now; maybe because I've never actually been in a relationship, only 'nearly' ones or whatever, and because I've never had anyone in my life as more than a friend really, because of all this I am so ready to be in a relationship - all of this probably affects this 'dream' in so far as I could happily do all this stuff now (in theory) but know its not likely to happen for years aka ever.

And you never have a face. Now this is fairly obvious, because I can't possibly know who you are. Every now and again when I literally do dream anything like this ie actually at night, if I've been thinking about any one person in particular their face will usually be there, but only sort of, like a half face that I can kind of recognise but isn't entirely who its supposed to be. But you've all had dreams, you know how I mean with people's faces and stuff. But by and large, you're there, but not physically there. Well, you cant be really can you, because you don't exist there. But you know what I mean.

In those dreams, and whenever I think about things like that, or whenever I'm somewhere and I think "I don't want to see this place again unless I have someone to share this with", or whenever I see couples in town and wish I could just twine my fingers with someones, you just don't have a face. I can see you, I can look right at you though. I can look right into your eyes that aren't there and drown in them. I can run my fingers over the lips that are never there and smile and the softness. I can kiss the nose that isn't there, everything. Its strange.

I don't know. Im 18 years old, overweight, unfit, socially struggling (although no longer practically a recluse like last year), and lonely. I'm so bored of my own company. And in the nicest way possible, I'm really bored of my family's company too. They literally still are the only people I see. Obviously its been different these last few months as I've physically been in college and so see people in the day, but I come straight home after college all the time. I don't socialise. Over this Christmas holiday I've seen Hannah once as she's back from Uni for Christmas, and that was when her and her parents came round for christmas nibbles and what not. I may have plenty of people to talk to on twitter, but I don't have any other physical people in my life. I knew it'd take time once I went back to college for the social side of things to happen, and overall its gone well, in that I half expected at this point to still be a nervous wreck if I had to so much look at anyone in college, but some days I feel almost like I used to again, like I'm emerging from my feet thick shell. But its still a little galling that I don't have any 'friends' as such. I find myself comparing it to when I started college the first time and getting sad, but I know thats stupid because its completely different. Then it was the first year of college, AS, and so we spent like the first 3 days of college just having like tutor group induction so by the end of the first week we'd all gone for lunch and what have you together already, plus I already knew a few girls in my tutor group. Also it was a drama tutor group, and somehow they're always a bit more immediately social and what have you. So yeah, the only physical human beings I see most days are my family, and even thats gonna change soon when my sister goes back to Australia :(

It really is the holidays that do it to be honest. Like I say, the last few months I haven't thought of any of this so much because in the day I am seeing other people, but being off of college and having no one to see feels way too much like how I spent the majority of last academic year, so its throwing my off kilter I guess.

I just feel ready for life again in the most basic sense. Ready to have friends again, ready to smile, ready to laugh, ready to do nothing but with someone, ready to talk, ready to live, and ready for love. But then obviously, at the same time I'm still so not ready, and running scared. But then I think; who's really ever 'ready' for life? No one chooses to be born, and once you're alive you don't exactly have much of a say in it do you? Who's ever really 'ready' for anything life throws at them? Yes, of course I have an 'excuse' etc in that I've been through the mill these last two years, been through more than most people my age blah blah, but still. Every time I say I'm scared of something or annoyed at myself and my life, someone always says that; "you've been through this blah blah" and its like, while it may be true, it doesn't help. Its like… I don't know… its like if you've broken your arm and its in a cast and a sling, and you're trying to reach something and you cant so you get really frustrated because it feels like you're not you, and someone asks whats up, you tell them, and then they say "well you have got a broken arm." "Oh really? I hadn't noticed. Tell me, how does telling me that help me reach that jar of biscuits at all? Exactly." You see what I'm saying? While some days I feel so sorry for myself about everything and want to scream to the world "Pity me! Love me! Buy me things!" etc (which is utterly ridiculous and only lasts a second or two, but you know what I mean), for the most part its just so frustrating that I still feel so held back. I know that I'm the only one holding me back now, that its my insecurities and paranoias and stuff that is all thats stopping me from doing the things I want to do, being the person I want to me… but like the broken arm, knowing that doesn't change anything, not really.

I don't know. I think far too much, I know that. You know that! I cant switch off ever and I hate it. I overthink, overanalyse, overwatch, overreadinto, whatever you name it i do it. I know I'm the only one that can do anything about any of the things that get me down, and I know everything is still a gradual process, and I know its still, in the grand scheme of things in this 'recovery' process (which I apparently am still in) that its still early days. I've seen cases of other people who have had similar experiences to me taking tens of years to 'recover', if they do, if they don't become a shadow of their former self and never really get back to 'normal'. But sometimes a shadow isn't a bad thing, its just a new thing. Sometimes a shadow can fit where we cant. So I guess what I'm saying is that while I accept theres no way I'll ever get back to the me I was before all this, I don't have to see that as a bad thing. Even though I'm now in this limbo state where I feel like I don't know who I am, what I am, when where and why I am, I have to remind myself that its ok to feel that, daily. I can see the last two years as wasted, ruined, soiled and marred, (which I always will in part) or I can see them as transition. Transition into this new me, whoever the hell she is! The transition is still going on, and maybe it will for another good few years, and maybe one day I'll wake up and realise 'I'm there' - happy. Maybe one day I'll wake up beside someone, and realise I've been happy for months, I've found the me I was always looking for inside myself, and I finally like myself. And love the one beside me.

Or maybe I'll wake up and push one of many cats off the end of my bed and begin yet another day as a lonely cat lady. Only time will tell. Time that I am so bored of waiting on, but what can you do? Push on, power through, soldier on, breathe in, breathe out, rinse, lather and repeat.

Lonely little feathers.

2010-11-06T00:50:00.001Z

I've got a lot of love to give. I'm loyal, I'm caring, I can be sweet and cute (apparently) and I'll never hurt you if I can help it. But I got no one to give it to.
I'm so fucking fed up of being on my own.
It was good to see Hannah for today, as she's down from uni for tar barrels, but all it did was remind me again, if I needed reminding, that I'm on my own.
They've all moved on, living their lives, made new friends already, kept in touch with the old ones, and nothing to worry about. And me?
I've gotta start over, only it's for the first time. Every time I've progressed through school, I've had those guys with me, and any new friends I've made were when I had self confidence.
Now I'm in a position where people know each other already, cos they've had a year of college together, and I'm just the fat weirdo who's still here for some reason.
I'm really struggling to make friends, let alone anything else.
The last week, things have seemed a bit better though. Don't get me wrong, I get along well with a fair few people in my lectures, but it's just that there's a fair bit of difference between getting on with people in a lesson and being friends.
My sister keeps saying to just ask one of them/some of them if they want to grab some lunch, but it's not as simple as that. Like I say, in most classes, people have got at least one person they know, so they leave with them, and I'm like ehhhhh I'll be quiet then.
As I've said, I'm finding it hard enough to make friends, let alone anything else. But I'm going out of my fucking mind. No I'm not talking sexually, though sure that'd be nice, but just company. But more than friendship. Someone to just sit and watch tv with, curled up and legs tangled. Someone to sit with in Bostons and read, don't have to talk, just sit and read a magazine or a book. Or someone to talk to about shit all that anyone else cares about or understands.
Of course, all of this, when I type it, makes me think of L. Natch. But I think I know I'm just idealising those memories and picking the best ones. There's nothing wrong with remembering the good things in life, but I've got to remember why my friendship with her ended and why things turned out the way they did.
I don't really know what the point of this was.
You've all had enough of me bemoaning my loneliness by now I expect, but it's there. It's not as simple as just getting out there and meeting people. I've got such little self confidence after everything over the last few years, that talking to people is a struggle. I feel ridiculously awkward; I don't know how to start conversations, and once I do almost everything I say I'm thinking "what the fuck was that?!!?" or I can't keep the conversation going or I put my foot in it or make a twat of myself or something. With all the college work, something I'm not used to, as much as I'd like the money I can't deal with a job as well, so that's another way of meeting people (how I met L, tumteetum) gone out of the window.
And as for just going out of an evening for a drink? On my own?! Are you CRAZY?!!! I don't really want to look like a loner on my own thanks. Gay bars? Ok, so by some freak happening Exeter has two of them (ikr!!?!) but I can't really bring myself to go there. I know it sounds odd, but a lot of lesbians really do my fucking head in! The whole overly butch thing, and the whole 'oh we've all slept with each other lar dee dar' doesn't really appeal. Plus, there's only so many lesbians in Exeter; we may have two gay bars but there's only so many of us to go around! So I'd just feel ridiculously awkward. And it's not like I've got anyone to go with, cos I have no friends... *talks round in a circle*
So yeah. I'm lonely.
For friends, people to hang out with you know? Someone to text! Someone to talk to on the phone! All of this stuff normal people my age get to do would be nice thanks.
And yeah, for a girl. Even though part of me will always struggle to understand how anyone could ever like me, (even as a friend; I don't get it, you're all mad) I'm also a bit like 'wait no, I'm nice!' I care. I can be sweet and cute. I like to make you smile. I like to make you laugh. Fuck that, I love to make you smile and laugh because I love to see you smile, and laugh. Y'know?
So yeah, I'm a mess, and physically basically repulsive, but I still reckon when it comes to girlfriend material, I could be a catch! Sure, I'll freak out over all the physical stuff, but that's another issue to be fair.
So, if anyone out there wants to be friends with me, and then eventually maybe more, and is willing to look past the exterior (theres a lot of it) and the crazy (a lot of that too) then feel free to appear in my life. At this stage, I feel that as awesome as you online friends are (read; very), I need some human contact.
And I need someone to give this love to, before it turns into more of the self loathing that I've got enough of in me, and my heart starts to fester.
And with that lovely imagine, I bid you adieu, and maybe hello.

Fresh loss.

2010-10-11T00:08:00.001+01:00

Diet starts tomorrow. Not yet decided whether to go back on the bars or do weight watchers full on with mum and sister. Either way, I want to be thin ffs. I hate being this disgusting. Lets go...

Ooh, productive!

2010-09-26T16:44:00.001+01:00

Actually had a well productive few days!
Well, few weeks really.
So I had my first full week back at college last week, and a sort of half week before that too, and it went ok. I dont feel like I'm swamped by the work yet, though it's early days lol.
Politics is meh, there's a lot to take in and it's all mainly text, so not too much of a problem yet. Though I imagine when it gets closer to the exam in January, I'll likely get a bit more stressed out by it.
English literature is going okay I guess. I don't feel like the only one in there who knows what I'm talking about, as opposed to last time round, but that's expected as they're an A2 class. Obviously they're my tutor group too, so that's where I'd normally get 'friends' from lol, but so far the social side of things seems to be slower. But it's early days I guess.
Photography seems to be going quite well actually. We've got a full on two week project on 'Self Identity' that's actually nearly done, final piece has got to be done a week on Tuesday, eek!
The whole sketchbook side of the project I feel fairly confident about, because I love that kind of thing, and didn't do too badly to get an A* out of my art gcse. I know it's a whole different kettle of fish but the basis is the same.
In terms of the actual photography, it doesn't seem to be going too badly. At least my lecturer seemed fairly impressed with the stronger shots from my first shoot when she saw them last lesson.
Outside of college, I've been doing ok I think. Got round to downloading and sorting out Photoshop on both computers, got both manual and digital SLR's sorted, and just general other stuff sorted.
Plus my sisters coming home in just over a week for about 3 months ish :) which does possibly throw up some other issues is mum wants me to come out to her and I'm like nnnnnnnngh no not yet. But hey, bridges to cross and all that.
In general, alls good... for now.
Now all I need is someone to share it all with...

So You Want To Be A Writer - Charles Bukowski

2010-09-25T12:15:00.000+01:00

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

2010-09-18T23:51:00.001+01:00

Help like this in my skin
is naked and lost
and never even there,
so you see right through me
but thats the problem.
Seeing through me
isnt the same
as seeing me and realising
what I'm really trying to say.

2010-09-18T23:36:00.002+01:00

I'm unable
more than I can say I am
feeling like
the walls of the worlds
are caving in
doubling back and landing
on my head
cracking my shoulders and skull.
When everything leads
back to things unsaid
and you wish
for the times you hated
you know
there's a problem.
But the truth isnt far behind me
and its trying to rely
on my falling
yet again.
Hands fall down
and there's no skin left
underneath your hips
when I breathe,
deep into my lungs you creep
and we slip into
some kind of
remnant we lost.

Stops for no man.

2010-09-17T16:27:00.001+01:00

So my best mate moves to Chichester uni tomorrow :(
And my mums in London for the weekend, and it sounds like grandads getting ill again :(
It's nearly a month til it's a year since my nan died :(

Although I don't feel as shit as I expected, I do feel lonely again. For a change.

Hurry up and come home sis?

Moving on up?

2010-09-15T20:21:00.003+01:00

Right now I feel happy.
Mum and dad just told me that my sister is coming home for 3 months ish in October. Since we left her in Aus, she's been feeling really down apparently. Having not been around when all the shit was going on with me, and when nan died, and then when we were over there and grandad had his heart attack, it really got to her.
So she basically broke down at Uni the other day and her boss basically said, "go home, you need it." She's been feeling like she's been wasting her scholarship because she hasn't been able to concentrate, and the uni have said they'll suspend it for her no problem. As well as that, apparently one of her housemates has now turned into a druggie, so she'd have to move out anyway.
So I get her back again for a while :)
She wont ever admit it, but its for her. She needs the break away to sort her head out. Grandad cant drive his car at the moment anyway, so she'll borrow that, and maybe get a part time job to get some money together.
And I get her back :)

In terms of college, its been... weird.
It feels so weird being back in that place... where I used to have friends and a future I was sure of.
In terms of people... I dunno. Some of the people in some of my classes seem cool, others... well, I can already tell we ain't gonna get along!
The whole 'making friends' malarky is already freaking me out though. On the one hand I feel like I'm better off on my own, but then I know how lonely I've been feeling. But I dont know what to say to anyone!
I've never been brilliant at meeting new people, and I'm even worse now. Doesn't help in some classes cos of where I'm sat... I overhear other peoples conversations and I'm like "I have something in common with you", and I'm stuck on the table where no one's saying anything.
I dunno... I know it's early days... as in, two days. Just gotta give it time right?

So now I've got to make a start on the first bit of coursework... already got a fucking 2 week photography project deadline!!
Starting with research on photographers and exploration of self identity... yay.

Only tricky things are some of the subjects at college actually... first photography project is on self identity; I dont know who I am. First english lit topic is home; I hate being here. And in politics today my lecturer hinted at one of the things we'd be discussing under the criminality and feminism umbrella would be rape and self harm... Just gotta keep my head I guess.

So... off to research and brain storm I go!

Is this the first day of the rest of my life?

2010-09-13T22:09:00.003+01:00

First off, bonus points if you get the musical reference in the title. Bully for you and all that.

Secondly, this post, as usual, turned into more than it was meant to.

So tomorrow is Tuesday 14th September, and my first day of college since Januaryish 2009.
Suffice to say I'm fucking bricking it.
Been a bit quieter today on twitter because I haven't really known what to say. I didn't wake up properly until 11 again, and then I couldn't get out of bed, because I knew if I did I'd go and do what I don't want to want to do straight away. So instead I stayed in bed sleeping, crying and generally feeling shit until about 4.30pm, then came downstairs and had pizza for dinner. Considering I hadn't eaten all day, I didn't feel as bad about having it. But I still felt shit after it. Natch.

As I said last night, I’m probably the closest to needing to cut again as I’ve been in a while.
I figure the pressures of going back to college are getting to me more than I first thought they were. I don’t really know why I’m so surprised, it’s not like I’m any good at coping with much anyway anymore.
I’ve never been the best at social interaction anyway, and I’m even less so now since the shit happened. I’m honest, I don’t even really know how to refer to what happened now. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be ‘proud’ of being a ‘survivor’ or whatever, and be open about it or not... Or even how open I’m supposed to be. I just generally say “I’ve had a shit couple of years”, but what the fuck does that mean, you know?
Maybe a bigger part of my problem than I thought is talking about it. Not actually ‘it”, cos I’ve dealt with that as much as I can to be honest... I don’t let myself think about what happened in terms of ‘the specifics’, cos whats the point in torturing myself? I’ve moved on from what happened... It’s everything else that wont leave me alone now. It’s the abandonment by my friends, the way they treated me, the way most of the people in my past treated me and turned out, its all of that thats the problem now.
And how I do or don’t talk about what happened.
I can’t say the word out loud at all anymore. Maybe that means I haven’t moved on, but I can’t deal with that possible analysis right now, but what the hell. I can’t say the word.
So how am I supposed to talk about it?
Am I even supposed to talk about it?
I guess it freaks people out in so far as they don’t know what to say, or because no one else knows how I’m feeling about it, or how someone in my position is supposed to talk about what happened to me.

But this is all besides the point. I highly doubt (and hope) I wont have to deal with that particular conversation on my first day at college anyway.
But it’s all in my head, all the time.
What do I say to people?
How do you meet new people nowadays? I sure as hell don’t know anymore. At this rate I’m likely to forget my real name and introduce myself as Holly, then look like a right fucking twat.

My head is once again all over the place.

I’ve got to meet new people, and possibly some people from my past too. I don’t know which is freaking me out more; meeting people who know nothing about me, who wont have any pre-formed opinions of me, but will find it easier to judge me straight away or; the people who were in the year or two below me in high school and know who I used to be... They’ll be the ones wondering what the fuck I’m still doing here. I’m not bragging, but in high school, everyone always assumed I was going to do well for myself, and fast. I wasn’t popular in the usual sense of the word, but a lot of people knew my face. Having stood for elections in the UK Youth Parliament, my face was all over the school a couple of times, and I was known in the drama circle quite well. It was always my performance group who had to perform our GCSE pieces for a third time, to the lower years, as an ‘example of good work’. And of course, I was known for less desirable reasons too... When word got out about me being gay, that kind of superseded any other ‘reputation’ I’d built up over the last 3 years in that place, and the last year turned to shit. I was still known for some of the right reasons in the drama, art and music circles, as well as english, but the rest of the time... Well, I was known as the fat, weirdo lesbian who keeps getting pulled out of class to go talk to counsellors or because I kept getting landed in the shit in the last year for smoking or bunking off or worse.
But despite that, I dunno, sounds really fucking trite, but in the right circles I still retained a modicum of dignity and a better reputation. At first when I left high school and was at college, the drama teachers kept inviting me back for one reason or another. First it was to talk about starting up a higher level drama club with me as the only teacher (that never came to fruition because of exams and then... Well, life fucked me over didn’t it) and then to direct 3 girls in a short piece they were performing at Exeter University at an awards ceremony. Sounds lame, but after a couple of months directing those girls, when I went and saw them perform, (and picked up my award, la dee daa) I felt so fucking proud of them. They were cool girls as well... I think they’d kind of picked up both parts of my ‘reputation’ and didn’t really know what to make of me, so they just went with it, which was cool.

So a lot of those guys from the years below, who have uninformed gossipy opinions of me, will be at college too. And possibly doing the same subjects. So I’ve got to deal with them in some way. Sure, maybe they’ll have grown up and forgotten all that shit... Because lets be fair, they all probably had much more important things going on in their lives than me... But I still wont be able to shake that paranoia in the slightest.

I’ll see someone look at me, and panic. They think I’m fat, they think I’m ugly, they think I’m a bitch, they think I’m thick... Yes I’ll honestly believe they could have got that from looking at me for a second. I don’t half make life difficult for myself right?

Of course, you know now that by letting all this pour out of me I’m crying again right? Saying all that about how my life was, even though it wasn’t great, it was a fuck load better than it is now in many ways.

Jesus, you know things have turned to shit when you miss the days when your friends fucked you over daily, the rest of the the school you hated bitched about you, you were cutting yourself every day, getting fucking stoned before exams for the hell of it, but still managed to do alright in the things you wanted to do... Right?

Fuck me, I didn’t realise how fucked I was. I mean I did, but I didn’t, if that makes sense. Of course it doesn’t make sense, its me talking!

I miss acting. I miss drama. But I can’t go back there. I want to but I can’t. I wonder though... I mean, I haven’t got the confidence to stand anywhere as me, maybe being someone else is what I need... But its too late now. Technically I could still pick up the A2 at college, but thats the wrong kind of theatre for me right now... Too many fucking written exams for one thing. I just miss it, because hell, I was a fuck off good actress! I had nothing else at high school except that at one point. People who never in a million years would have spoken to me, told me they thought I was good at something. People who never in a million years would be jealous of someone like me, were jealous. I was good. I got into the National Youth Theatre at 16 for fucks sakes... Now I know there are others out there who did the same, but that’s because they’re good as well! I had something, I really fucking did. Acting and writing, thats what I poured myself into when I had nowhere else to go, nothing else worth even fucking living for, and then...
And then I couldn’t even get up in the morning. The last thing I wanted was to get up on stage and pretend to be someone who was happy, when I was so desperately unhappy. I couldn’t write either. I was dried up and dying... And I still kind of am.

So tomorrow, is the first day of the rest of my life.

I’ve got to walk into a room full of strangers, with maybe the odd face from my past, and hold my head up high, and try not to look like the utter wreck I am inside.
I’ve got to try and come across as confident enough to be out in public... Ha! Good one.

I mean, fuck off am I gonna be someone I’m not... But I’d be able to say that with a lot more conviction if I actually know who I am.
Right now I’m still a lost little girl, with no one to turn to who isn’t miles and hours away, with no confidence and a shit load of hang ups, issues and paranoia.

So that’s who I’ve got to be. But not.
This should be easy... I mean, I’m an actress and a writer, I deal in fictional characters, right?

Well, we’ll see.

I’ve also still not got my head around all this other stuff I’m feeling... I don’t even know what that’s all about... Right now its nothing other than a distraction, and I cant decide if its a welcome one or not. On the one hand its taking my mind somewhat off college, but on the other hand, its just another ton on my shoulders I could really do without.

Right now, I’ve just gotta stay away from knives, and any of the faces from my past I could happily cave in with my fists... And believe me, there’s a fair few of those around....

How today began and ended...

2010-09-13T19:02:00.001+01:00

Spent all day till 4.30pm in bed, generally crying, beating myself up and feeling crap, all so I wouldn't do the one thing I could really do with doing right now.

To the brink.

2010-09-13T01:24:00.001+01:00

Just for a change, this ain't some happy shit.

Have you ever been so unsure of yourself and how you're feeling, that it feels like your brains are pouring out of your fucking ears?
Thats where I'm at now.
Plus I'm starting college again on Tuesday, and all the old worries I thought I'd put down for a while are flooding back. It's mainly my weight that's the issue, having not lost as much by now as I'd (unrealistically) hoped I would. It fuels my already raging paranoia which is always helpful.
Cos you can never be too paranoid, of course.
On top of that is the fear of failing, of making an ass of myself, of not coping with the work load, of being shit at it all etc.
It's the whole being left behind by everyone thats the problem. It's not just my old mates that are leaving me behind, it's life.
My head is burning, and if I'm totally honest, I'm this close to cutting again.
Not what I'd call a fresh start at all.

Fucked.

2010-09-11T01:47:00.001+01:00

That's it, mood's gone again.
I fucking hate me. I feel like I could fucking love you but it's wrong, and that maybe you've had enough of me now anyway.
I'm just a fucking shit bag and I wouldn't blame you anyway.
Hey yeah I mean I can be a nice person, fuck I'm like a gentleman half the time, but I'm still a fucking mess.
Looks like you've worked that out.
I know I should give you more credit but every other fuckers turned out that why so why should I expect you to be any different.
I don't know what I fucking want but it certainly isn't this.
I've got to go.

Plastered.

2010-09-10T00:18:00.002+01:00

Have I got confusion plastered all over my face?

Because I can feel it burning in my skin and shivering down deep in my blood.

Confusion breeding in my brain, birthing some twisted kind of self resentment, beating myself up over every feeling that I cant even name.

Love, hate, lust and everything in between.

Am I loving you or just confused? And so the confusion is confusion.

I've been hurt too many times before, by myself, and anyone else I dared to fall in love with, or anything like it.

If I even knew what any of this was I'd clear it up myself, but I dont.

Is the confusion as clear on my face as it is in all my space?

Every minute is full of nothing that makes sense.

Love and adoration, or love and like, so much alike.

They have the same face and the same sounds and smells, its easy to mistake them.

So I'm told.

But I've only felt just one of them, too many times before, and I've been well and truly burnt.

So what is this now?

Please help me.

Band aid.

2010-09-09T16:47:00.001+01:00

Maybe it's a case of first time was the easiest, like ripping off a band aid, and any other time is gonna be harder because now, the wound's exposed.

Honest.

2010-09-09T01:14:00.001+01:00

I hate myself more and more everyday.
And with that, I fight myself everyday.
I fight with myself that I'm worth something, that I'm a good person, that I'm not useless and worthless. I fight with myself in my own head.
I tell myself it's natural to still be feeling this way, that what happened to me wasn't my fault, that I'm still healing and it'll take time. That these feelings are all normal.
And then I'm like you know what, its been nearly two fucking years now, where the fucks my day?
Everyone tells me it won't happen overnight, I won't wake up feeling happy and normal and blah blah blah tomorrow morning. Do they think I'm stupid? A) you've been telling me that for the last 2 years and B) I can see that myself by now. But two years on and all I've got to show for it is... well, what?
That when I hit my bad days it's usually only just for a day, sometimes less, whereas before it'd wipe me out for longer? Is that supposed to be some consolation?
So I fight with myself. Cos I know every side of every argument you could ever have with me... any point you make to me, chances are I've already heard it from myself.

But who fucking wins?

The sad angry me?
The happy hopeful me?
Where even the fuck am I? Who and what and why the fuck am I?
Is this a good day or a bad day? I mean I don't feeling killing myself at this precise moment and the clarity's good, so what is it?

Every minute of myself seems like a nightmare, but am I ever gonna fucking wake up?!

I want to wake up from myself and be in a world where I don't feel like I have to torture myself over every little thing I feel every single day.
I want to wake up and not have to fight myself.
I need to wake up in a world where I don't hate myself and then expect other people to hate me to and then when they do or don't hate me I get angry and ruin it anyway.

Feels sometimes like I'm taken for granted, which pisses me off too. Even though I know other people have got their own shit, and I get in touch first, I get mad at myself when uneven get upset at any lack of contact, however much it makes sense.
Maybe it's because I've never had anyone who'll just be happy to just be randomly texting me all night that it hurts so much when someone doesn't reply quickly, or at all, again even when I know there's often a perfectly good reason.

I do my own nut it, and clearly yours too.

You can choose ( Atheists prayer. )

2010-09-09T00:34:00.001+01:00

You can choose
to see life as so empty,
so utterly futile,
and human kind
as such sin filled monster,
ripe to be abhorred.
You can choose
to see life as so empty
that the only thing you live for
is an unprovable
improbably and laughable
wrath filled bearded man
in the sky.
Or you can choose.
See the beauty
in every being.
Feel the awe
of the whole wide universe
stretching out through time
and space
and memory
and place,
more vast
than our humble minds
can ever fathom.
You can choose
to hinge all your hopes
and all your loves,
perceptions and judgements
on a book.
Written by the greedy
edited by the rich,
or you can choose.
Marvel
in the creation
of your own mind,
in the chance that you were born.
All the other combinations
of you's or I's
that could have been
that ended in you.
You can choose
to see the magic in logic,
the superb and supreme
in all around us.
The reverence of nature
needs no rules.
All time is out before us
behind us
within us.
All that was before
brought man to this
to now
in the slowest blink of every eye.
You can choose
to live your life restricted,
hold your loves
condemned, deleted,
every thought judged and bleated,
to what end?
You can choose
to hide from the world
shrink from the wonders,
run from the 'impossible'
that was already there.
Or you can choose.
Do you see the world
or do you see the world?
You have a mind
within your brain,
shaped and moulded just for you,
by all your fathers
all your mothers
and all the others.
Use your eyes
combine the mind
and see.
You can choose
what your life is worth.
No book should sway
no lie should stray.
You can choose
what your love is worth
and who is worth.
There is more to see,
much more,
than that man in the sky
could ever know.
You can choose;
believe,
or live.

____________________________

I was in a random mood when I wrote this. Was feeling slightly reflective, and funnily enough, I was reading The God Delusion at the time.
Just speaks some of what I'm trying to think sometimes.

H.x

Writing.

2010-09-09T00:06:00.001+01:00

Soft gliding hope
held in your hands.
The mystery
of subtlety
is nothing without you,
so handle me gently.
Soft simple skins
broken and bruised,
a temporary repaired.
Lay down
upon me
your hands or breath
or light;
make me permanent.
______________________

Jumping castle quiver
shudder in sunlight
blinding tremors
doused in ice.
______________________

Sweet belly burn
full and warming from the face
of a sun drenched shed,
bathing
in the sun
and tanning my belly
with red nectar,
sticky
so sweet.
______________________

I want to move inside your head
and never come back down.
You're learning to see
the difference of generosity
and how it melts inside you.
When its something that comes down to
a stormy way to pass you,
it makes me want to give it all up.
______________________

Can you see
a beautiful soul
in these muddy
blue grey eyes
or just this screaming hole?
Slipping on the slick of tears
and the flimsy veneer
of hope,
you see me pedal
backwards.

Yeah 'mate'

2010-09-07T23:14:00.001+01:00

Thinking of replying to their message with something like this;

Guys I'm so sorry, I didn't realise you were missing me this much? To go to the trouble you have, when you must be so busy getting ready for that big wide world out there? Look guys, it wasn't great while it lasted, but I've moved on now. I got some great people round me, hell they ain't just down the road but they're closer than you ever were. I just hope you guys can move on soon enough, I'd hate to eat up all your bandwidth and what not. Hope uni's all good guys, and remember, you're more transparent than you think! Nice life and all that?

[EDIT] Ps, Cunts.

:P

Not bad for a first draft eh?

Genuine pt2

2010-09-06T22:29:00.001+01:00

Home isn't home anymore.
Everything hurts when I'm on my own.
I'm the most loyal person I know.
I've got too much it hurts.

Vague statements, you might think. Yeah you're right. I don't even know.

On the way back from Liverpool/London last night, eg the driving back to Exeter leg of the journey, I was talking to mum about whether or not I enjoyed myself. Of course I did. Sure I was nervous as hell when I got off the train. My whole anonymity thing is a big issue for me, maybe because of itself as a circle, but for whatever reason it is, and it was a big deal to break it. But it was for the right people.

I can honestly say that Saturday night was the best night out I've had in about 2 years. Why?
I was happy.
I didn't feel like I had anything to prove. I didn't feel I had to be responsible for anyone else. I drank a lot but I didn't really feel it, because I was happy, for the above reasons.

I don't know what the point of this post is, then again I don't know what the point of any of my posts ever is. I'm just pointless.

Even when I was enjoying myself, I wasn't, if you get what I mean. There were moments in my head I'd be doing my nut in over something or nothing, that happens everyday though.
The main difference is that while I'd go out with my old 'friends' or ever at home, I'd be feeling constantly paranoid. On Saturday, I felt so much less paranoid than I could believe. These are people that genuinely know me as a person more than that old lot ever did, so it makes life easier.

But once more I had to come home.

I hadn't really ever thought about it properly before, but I think I get why being back sucks so hard. This place doesn't hold any good memories for me any more. Home is where I'd sit all day every day, on my own, with nothing to do and no one to see and no reason to get up and out of bed, just stewing in my own misery, for months on end when I was incapable of really living. This city is full of people I'd rather not see, round every corner of every building I'd rather not see either. But even though its a lot of bad memories, I still want to love it. But too many people have ruined too much of it for me.

So now home doesn't feel like home anymore, not so far as somewhere I can relax and feel happy, and feel able to get up in the morning.

I know this might seem like the same post as the last long one, and I know I'm talking round in circles, but that's my head for you. If I'm honest, I'm talking shit about some stuff to stop myself from talking shit about other stuff I know is bouncing around in my head, and that ain't doing me no favours either.
But that stuff will have to stay put and shut up for as long as it takes, no choice.

And home will have to stay as home for at least another year, if not two. I got some more choices to make soon, which I'm fed up of making. They're just small choices, they're not the bigger picture, and it fucks me off that they end up being so important. I could be stuck here for another two years if I want enough money to do what I want in the long run and not have to worry so much financially, or I could just stay here one more year and then fuck off, but be poorer.

Oh I don't know, who cares.

Genuine.

2010-09-06T21:58:00.001+01:00

If you tell me to go home, I'll ask you exactly where I'm supposed to go.

Out of my head.

2010-08-28T17:54:00.001+01:00

Need to get out of myself.

Back in the UK and everything seems shit so far. Remembered that I've got no friends, job, girlfriend, prospects, anything, to come back to. Instead I get to leave my sister for another 2 years again, and leave the most amazing country.

I really did love it in Australia.

There was something about it, and I cant put my finger on what, that just made me feel so much more... alive than I've felt recently. I didnt have to worry about the shit at home, about what I'm gonna do next with my life, about college, grades, university, money, life, the universe, and everything etc. I could just enjoy myself. Live.

Sure, Australia let me down on the one thing I'd asked it not to, eg a nice girl :P but you cant win everything eh :/

But in all serious, being home (so far) sucks.

I just feel so, bored of everything. There's no excitement, no day to day thrill. The whole time I was in Australia I couldnt shake the feeling of awe, I guess. I couldnt get over the fact I was literally on the other side of the world to everything I've ever known in my life, and that it didnt feel strange. It felt right.

Yeah its weird seeing as I'm more of a winter person than a summer person, but it was their winter after all! Would I be able to hack an Australian summer? Hopefully, in the future, when I'm who I want to be.

Even in Singapore I could feel this huge pull coming from the world. The different people, the architecture, the sights, the smells, the food, just... everything! It was like I could physically feel something trying to stop me from coming home, telling me that I dont want to be there, there's nothing real for me there. I dont quite understand it.

Almost everyday while I was in Australia, something would amaze me. Just the sky in the morning, or the breeze... the other side of the sun and the moon seemed brighter, better, cleaner. Happier. Every sunset was like a punch in the heart, crushing the breath from me. Every sunrise woke my brain up with it.

I dont get it. I sound like a gushing moron I know, but I cant help it. I know I've only been back in England two days and some of this will be the jetlag and time difference jumping speaking, but I honestly felt happier over there.

Obviously I had my bad days, as my twitter followers and friends will know, but somehow, all I had to do was go outside and look at the sky, or take a deep breathe, or look at the sea, and I'd start to feel better. Maybe it was the fact that all I was doing for 8 weeks was exploring, you know? Not really living like, a normal life with work and learning etc, just actually living, not having to struggle everyday, I know its different to the real world.

If I'm honest, this is where I wish I was better off financially. To be able to say "fuck it I'm off" and not have to worry about the fact I wont be working, to just take off and go wherever, really live, is something I'm beginning to crave. I know money isnt the be all and end all, god knows I know that, but it'd certainly make that kind of life easier.

I dont really know what I'm getting at here at all.

I guess maybe this is a good thing, this feeling of home-alienation? I can still feel that pull.. now, being home, it feels like something's missing. As an example; my writing. Usually I take 6 months to fill a Moleskine with my poetry/verse/ideas/quotes/whatever - I finished the final third of one, and another whole one in the 8 weeks I was away. Something opened me up, and I couldn't stop, and I loved it. I wouldnt say I felt 'inspired' as such, but it was something near it, something like it. All these words kept coming to me, with every kilometre of Aussie outback covered, I’d fill another page, with every city blocked traversed, another page... you get the drift.

I could have drawn for hours if I’d had the time. If I’d had my guitar, and again, the time, I could have written hundreds of songs. I was itching to get my hands on some paint and canvas, paper and charcoal, graphite... clay whatever, anything. My throat was aching to me singing something I dont know... god I sound lame. Photography became something important, something almost necessary, day to day. Capturing moments, images, people, breathtaking views, anything... it was like I began to need it.

Actually to be honest, it was like I started to find all the things I had never even realised I needed. New air, new scenes, new people, new everything. Nobody knew me. Nobody at all. Sometimes that scared me, other times it thrilled me. I went for a half hour walk around Singapore on my own while we were there, in the evening. The sun was nearly setting when I set out, and by the time I got back to the hotel, it had painted the sky pink and purple. People smiled at me when I passed. They didnt avoid my eyes, they didnt nearly push me over in a hurry to get somewhere. I felt... more human, while I was away.

More human. Sounds odd to say that. But the truth is I havent felt very human for a long time. I still dont; I still feel broken, like all the different people that have moved in and out of my life have taken little pieces of me with them. I still feel like I’m not wholly, really living, more like just existing, just getting by on a daily basis. I still feel like a ghost somedays, a ghost of who I used to be, who I am, who I want to be. I dont feel whole. I dont feel human. I dont feel right. I havent for the last two years, and those of you who know me, who I love and trust, know some of why. But while I was away? It was like the pieces of me that had been taken, remebered where they were supposed to be. They didnt necessarily come back, but they started to drag themselves out of their pits and wake up. I think I started to remember how to live again, I started to remember that there are good things out there, things that can make me happy. It was a start.

And now I’m home again. Back where all the bad memories linger, where all the stains of friendships and enemies and everything in between are all over the walls of every corridor, every pavement, where everything hides and waits round corners to punch me in the gut and leave me winded. This is where I am now.

Maybe this feeling like I’m missing something now is a good thing. I can kind of feel that it's ignited something in me now... it's not a roaring fire, more like a little flickering flame thats remembering how to use oxygen to help it burn, but it's there. What is it though? That hunger, that thirst... a passion. Something is burning in me now. I felt something click in Singapore, at one point. I suddenly realised; “the person that I want to be, she’s not at home. She’s inside me but she isnt. She’s everywhere I’m not, where I havent been. Everywhere that isnt home, that is home. In everyone that doesnt know me, but could. She’s out there. I'm out there. Somewhere. I have to believe that.” I do dont I? It clicked. I was sat on the top deck of a bus looking out at some of the most orignal, astonishing pieces of architecture, towering over ages old buildings and parks and lives, watching hundred of people of every race, just living side by side, and something clicked.

The world is out there. Maybe nothing will ever come of this. Maybe I'm just ‘doing a me’; getting all excited about something because I've enjoyed it once. But maybe, just maybe, I'm serious this time. The world is out there, and it's everything my past has never been. It's waiting for everyone, but I can hear it calling me. I want to travel. I want to see things, I want to live some more.

Hell yes I'm terrified now; I'm not sure I can do anything in my life on my own, that I'm capable, or worthy, of anything. But fuck it. I can dream right? And if I wake up one day, on the right side of the bed, in one of my good moods, I can tell the world to shut up and let me out, and let me in. One day, I will live. I will live the dreams I found myself having over and over again in Australia... I’ll drive around that huge red rock in a campervan, with a guitar, a camera, a laptop, a didgeridoo, paints, canvas, everything, and see it all. I’ll park next to Uluru and drink to the sunset again. I’ll lie on the beaches and do fuck all. I’ll do the crazy, crazy Syndey Harbour bridge walk, and the Sydney Tower skywalk, and the Melbourne one. Live it all. Hell who knows, maybe I wont have to do it alone. God knows in the dreams I wasnt always on my own. I had someone there, her. Someone to share all that with. All the awe, the wonder, the magic of nature and people and the world, ignoring the evil, the shit, the hell, and living in smiles to each other, to anyone. Whatever.

I cant stay here forever. I’ll go even crazier than I am now. College is waiting for me, and I’ll go. Sure, I've already paid my dues, but I’ll pay some fucking more. I’ll get the A Levels, I’ll work hard. Maybe I will do that photography course... it’ll mean another two years from now, but so what? I’ll get a job, learn some languages, save up, etc. I’ll do a while’s hard slog, (yes, more) and then do what I really want. I still want to teach, yes, but teach what? Just english? Or do I want to be someone with more to give? University will wait. I’ll travel first. Australia will see me again. Then I’ll settle down. Maybe.

If there's one thing I've learnt over these last two shitty years, it's that nothing is certain. We may like it to be, it may suit us a hell of a lot more to have the control, but we dont. Nothing is certain, everything is fluid. If you were to tell me when I started college that what has happened to me would happen to me, I’d tell you you’d got the wrong person. Not me, nu-uh. I'm sorted me, I'm fine. I know what I'm doing, my life’s mapped out for me. And it was. And then it wasnt. It's all changed so much, and it's freaked me the fuck out. Life spat me out, held me over the edge of a fiery pit, pulled me back, threw me into the pit, pulled me out then left me smouldering. And I've taken it. I've taken every fucking minute with a smile or a grimace or a yell or a tear, but I've taken it. I've taken my crap in life, and probably some of yours. No more.

I've been hell’s bitch for so long. Now life’s gonna be trained to be mine. I'm restless now, restless as hell, for something, anything, and I'm going to get it. But just bear with me, because I'm slow.

Sorry for the ramble. Sometimes this shit just has a tendency to pour out of me, and there's nothing in hell I can do about it, even if I wanted to. So there it is. This is England. This is me. This is life. And it's nothing I want it to be.

Not yet, anyway. Not just yet.

2010-08-21T16:20:00.001+01:00

Is it simpler to pretend
this is all there is,
that you're free to be any person
but you're all you'll ever be.
The heart of me
that was born in the womb
will be my legacy
in a cold tomb.
Love falls apart
at my terrible touch,
fingers trembling at the thought of it
but chases it away.
Just do what you do
and I'll sit and watch you all,
you were taught to live
but I'm still trying to learn.

2010-08-07T16:16:00.000+01:00

Oh my. How long has it been?
I can't really claim to still be using this blog if I don't actually use it can I?

Well, as an update...
I'm in Australia!
You should know that by now really, if you're a reader of this blog I've gone on about it enough, and if you're on twitter, I'm ALWAYS going on about it :P
Well, can you blame me?

The best thing about being away, is getting away.
I've had the first few opportunities in years to just sit and look out over the world, and not feel obliged to feel... well, anything really.

I've been writing more, drawing more, living more, smiling more.

But only just over another 2 weeks and then I'll come crashing back down to earth.
Not long after I land back in England, college starts again, and I'll be thrown in at the deep end. For a change :P
But I'll handle it.
I have to.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

formspring.me

2010-06-02T23:44:00.001+01:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/hollyalyxfinch

Stress.

2010-05-21T10:51:00.000+01:00

So today I have my first exam.
It's the first of the two resits I'm taking, today's being the Drama written exam. I thought I'd done well on it last time seeing as I hadn't been in college for 6months, but apparently not, as I got an E for the written bit which, thanks to my 79/80 A grade on the practical bit, was bumped overall down to a C. At the time I was distraught, but now I can see that even sitting the exam was an achievement in itself, and the C isn't the worst thing in the world.
I agreed to have another crack at it, and so I am. Today. I'm not feeling too confident about it, mainly because the bulk of revision I have been able to do has been for me English Literature exam, which is much more important to me. However, if I can pull off a slight grade raise I might be able to get my overall AS grade for Drama up to a B, but we'll just have to see.

The main source of my stress is more that it's Friday.
Which means tomorrow is Saturday. Which means I'm driving to London.
Which means it's nearly Monday. Which means my sister is coming home.
Which means it's nearly Wednesday. Which is when we're planning telling her all the amazing (read: shit) stuff that's happened while she's been away.

Any of you who have been following me for a fair while will know of this predicament. My sister went to Australia to study for her PHD, and while she was away, shit happened. I made the choice not to tell her, because I knew if we told her she'd be on the first plane home, and I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't ruin her opportunity like that.
So when she comes home, we have to tell her.
So obviously right now I'm an utter bag of nerves.

The plus side is that by being Friday today, it means the iPad will be here in a week XD but then so will my politics resit :/

Ah well. Smile :)

H.x

18 now :)

2010-05-05T14:34:00.001+01:00

It was my 18th birthday yesterday, in case you missed it :) and I had a lovely day. Ok so it wasn't how I ever imagined my 18th to go, but in the circumstances it was great. Went to the Imperial (Wetherspoons) with a few friends and spent the afternoon there. It was really nice to catch up with some friend that I haven't seen in ages, and one in partiular suprised me with how much she's changed for the better. In the evening a load of family and family friends came round and I blew out the candles on my cake... which was actually one of my meal replacement bars lol. All in all, it was the easiest £3000 I ever made!! Haha yeah, basically all I got was money, which suits me fine. £300 of it was proper like gift money, and the rest was the savings account that my auntie and grandad have apparently had in my name since I was born, which really was such a suprise! A pleasant one, obviously.
After last years disastrous birthday, which you may remember ended in a police cell, anything was going to be better than that!

So yeah, I am actually feeling quite happy now, which makes a nice change! I lost another 3lbs yesterday too, which makes a total of 35.5lbs in 10 weeks, nothing to be sniffed at I'm sure you'll agree! I've probably got about another 6-8 weeks that I can carry this diet on until I need to get back eating normal food in time for Australia, and ideally I'd hope to lose another couple of stone by then, but anything gone is good :)

As IF it's only 3 WEEKS until my sister comes home for a month! It feels just like yesterday we were saying good bye to her at the airport, but by the time she gets here she'll have been gone 2 YEARS! It really does feel so weird. Obviously we've got to tell her everything that's happened this year, but we're going to wait until we're all back home in Exeter before we do that as it'd be unfair on her to dump all that crap on her when she's only been in the country for 5 minutes. Obviously a bit nervous about that but it's got to be done.

Other than that, the next few weeks I really need to crack on with revision. Not that I've not been trying, but I'm just finding it so hard to revise. To be fair, I've been out of studying for nearly 2 years now, so it's no wonder I feel a bit in the deep end, but I've just got to persevere, and I shall.

The first exam is the 21st May and the second is the 28th, both resits, and then my important English Lit exam is on the 8th June, so I've got a bit longer to ready myself for that one.

After my exams it will be just over 3 weeks until we go to Australia, which is just scary quite frankly, but exciting too obviously! I've got 90% of the stuff I want to take with me, the 10% left being the iPad and possibly a Fuji Pivi as the Polaroid Pogo seems to have fucked up. Bring on Monday 10th though, for the UK preordering and pricing!

I've got some other stuff going on, but it's mostly all good and I can't be bothered right now, ha, but rest assured, at the minute your favourite Finch is 85% happy, which is up by about 50% from a few months ago :)

H.x

Hmm.

2010-04-29T20:09:00.002+01:00

Problemo. Well, not really a problem in the grand scheme of things, but still. Was having a look earlier and trying to sort out how I'm going to fit everything in my bag for the trip to Australia, and its not going well. I may have to actually look at getting a different bag for the trip, which isnt a huge big deal but I obviously would've liked to use my leather bag, but its not as if it wont ever get used.

The other choice I've got to make is about the DSi. I've got 2 Gameboy Mini's and a stack of GBA games, as well as a DSi. Cant decide whether to sell one GBM and the games and get the DSi equivalent of the GBA games, or to sell the DSi and get a DS so I can play both DS and GBA games. Plus I cant actually even decided whether to bother taking the DSi at all. I might want to play on it at the airport and on the plane, but if I've got my phone and iPad I'm not likely to be short on entertainment, and how much am I likely to play on the DSi while I'm in Australia, really? So thinking I might not bother taking it at all.

I've also got to sort out my phone situation. I was going to get the HTC Hero but even though I do still want it I dont know if I should bother. Depends on the new iPhone in some respects to be honest. There's rumours that Apple will announce the iPhone and start selling simultaneously as they do with the iPod Touch' apparently, and if they do then I'll have to rethink yet again. If the new iPhone goes on sale before I go away, I might buy the new one, then jailbreak my 3G and hope that will save any sim-swapping issues I'm likely to have and take the 3G with me.
But then again, I do still quite want the HTC Hero. Arg. I dunno.

A lot of this stuff depends on whether I get any money from the CICS too.

H.x

Future forwards.

2010-04-25T01:11:00.001+01:00

Come September it'll be time for me to go back to college full time, with people and everything, and I'm a little scared.
Was talking to dad about college today and feel a bit calmer in terms of exams. I've got my English Lit AS exam and 2 other AS resits (drama & politics) coming up in just under a month. I'm resitting those two because, due to my personal circumstances, obvs, I fucked them up last time and ended up with a C and D respectively, despite having nearly full marks on the drama practical performance. I'm going to focus more on the English exam but will obviously give the others a good go. The more I think about it the less terrible a C at AD seems, besides, Uni's don't really pay attention to the AS, just the full A level.
In the end, I'll carry on English Lit and Politics to A2: English because it's my subject, and Politics because I should be able to get the D up easier than in drama. There's no way I could cope with drama unfortunately. My third full A Level will be completed by way of a fast track course or evening class... Just got to decide what subject though!
At the end of the next academic year, eg 2011, the aim is to end up with my 3 full A Levels at AAB or ABB, which should be good enough for the Uni's I want... which is something else I know nothing about right now...

Mahalo.

2010-04-19T12:45:00.002+01:00

Once more, I must apologise. I haven't been updating this blog as much in a while, and I've been using my Tumblr a lot more. Again though I say, I'm not leaving this one, I'll be using it for my longer posts and stuff, and my Tumblr for the short n sweet ramblings and what not. So yes, I'm still here :)

New Australia gadget list :D

2010-04-18T20:27:00.006+01:00

Book list.

2010-04-11T19:02:00.004+01:00

I'm a bit bored so I thought I'd write a list of all the books I've read so far this year.

As some of you may know/remember, I'm a big reader, I always have been. I basically stopped reading so much for a while last year, but I've definitely got back into it recently.

So yeah, I decided to write a list of the books I've read so far this year, in order.

The last half of last year I spent reading the Wheel of Time series, hence the first lot of books of the year;

2010 so far;

Wheel of Time 9; Winters Heart. - Robert Jordan

Wheel of Time 10; Crossroads of Twilight - Robert Jordan

Wheel of Time 11; Knife of Dreams - Robert Jordan

Skins; The Novel - Ali Cronin

The Left Hand of God - Paul Hoffman

Across the Nightingale Floor - Lian Hearn

Wheel of Time 12; The Gathering Storm - Robert Jordan

Echo Park - Michael Connelly

Homicide - David Simon

Break No Bones - Kathy Reichs

The Men Who Stare At Goats - Jon Ronson

The Lazarus Project - Aleksander Hemon

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson

The Girl Who Played With Fire - Stieg Larsson

The Dice Man - Luke Rhinehart

Boy A - Jonathan Trigell

The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest - Stieg Larsson

Dead Tomorrow - Peter James

The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

Currently reading;

Altas Shrugged - Ayn Rand

Monday Mourning - Kathy Reichs

So there you go, those are the books I've read so far this year. I think I might actually be forgetting a couple if I'm honest... I dunno.

Tell me, what books have you read so far this year?

Tomorrow.

2010-04-04T20:01:00.000+01:00

Sofa shopping at DFS, apparently. Our sofa's are shit. They've basically broken so they are so uncomfortable to sit in. And don't get me started on the armchairs.

Then after that, weather permitting, dad and I will finally get to go Woodbury Common and spend some time trying out our new camera's. Then I'll come home and see what my (hopefully) decent photos look like on the Macbook Pro :)

I'm sure there was something else I was going to do tomorrow that was marginally exciting, but can't for the life of me remember what now. Hmm. My brother is coming round for lunch... I doubt that was it :P Ah well. Shit happens.

Never fear.

2010-04-03T21:07:00.002+01:00

I am still here.

I've just been using my new Tumblr blog a lot more recently (http://littlehoops.tumblr.com/) for ease. Believe it or not it is actually ever so slightly easier and quicker than this blog, especially on the iphone. I'm not going anywhere though, this is still my main blog where I'll post more important posts, but you know what I'm like, I can be a bit flitty.

Good news.

My weight loss is still going well, lost 7.98lbs the first week, then 5.28lbs, then another 5.06lbs as of last Tuesday just gone, so I'm dead pleased with that. As I mentioned on my Tumblr, I worked out that if I can keep up an average loss of 5lbs per week til we go to Australia I can basically be where I want.

I just want to get back to my (marginally) attractive state. This last year I've ballooned and I hate it, so I'm doing something about it.

Everything else is going well. The college work is coming along nicely and thats about all there is in my life in all honesty.

Oh yeah, apart from this :D

H.x

Arg.

2010-03-29T16:10:00.000+01:00

Arg. I'm so distracted. I need to do a final draft of my 'Opposition and conflict are fundamental to Wuthering Heights. Discuss with comparison to Jane Eyre, including consideration of the period in which these texts were written' essay... by Wednesday. I was supposed to have done it by last Wednesday's tutorial session but my teacher had to cancel, luckily, which gave me an extra week... which I have since frittered away on tidying and Pokemon. Speaking of which; get out of my brain! I'm not even playing on it, I'm walking up against a wall to level up some day care Pokemon XD but I've ended up just sitting researching all sorts of help stuff for HG! FFS. I so need to crack on with this coursework now, specially seeing as I've got a counselling session tomorrow and am then meant to be going round to my brothers. I may have to give the xbox session with him a miss if I'm to have any chance of finishing this essay :s

Lighter Life: The Saga

2010-03-24T16:30:00.004Z

Right. You all know by now I started the Lighter Life diet programme a few weeks ago, but that since then I've been having all sorts of problems with their medical team. Well, here's the run down of what's happened;

- The screening form that has to be filled out by my GP only had to the option of 'Major Depressive illness'; as I have depression my GP had to tick it.

- 'Major' Depression is a contra-indicator for the programme so we had to get another form for the GP to sign to say that my depression isn't major; All was ok from there, we got the green light.

- The they said that because I had been sent for an EEG and was awaiting results I would have to wait til the results of that come back to start the programme.

- The results came back normal, we thought they'd be able to give the green light once more. They didn't. They said they needed yet MORE information from my counsellor.

- They spoke to her, and yesterday we were informed via someone else that they were kicking me off the programme, even though I'd tried ringing them several times and left messages asking them to call me personally so I could try and soothe their remaining concerns, BEFORE they made a decision.

So there's the story so far. So obviously, after hearing yesterday that they were kicking me off, I was very upset not to mention a little angry. However, I decided I wasn't giving up that easily; a) they hadn't actually got in touch with us to tell us I'd been kicked off, and b) I wanted to know their reasons for not letting me continue and for not calling me as I had asked.

I rang again this afternoon asking for a call back within the hour, and finally managed to speak to someone just over an hour later. I told her why I'd had to have a EEG, that there was never any real suspicion of epilepsy, that the group therapy counselling sessions would not affect me in any adverse way, to the contrary, and talked for England. To be honest, I think I did really fucking well. One of their concerns had been that they hadn't spoken to me directly, but as I said to them, the only reason for that was that mum had only got in touch with them originally to obtain this other form we needed, and it was only when more problems appeared that she ended up dealing with it because she was their first port of call. The woman I spoke to sounded happy enough with what I told her, and she said she would take the information I had given her, eg more reliable and hopefully good enough for them as it came from the horse's mouth, back to her manager, who would then review the case yet again. Seeing as the reason they kicked me off was apparently because they didn't have an explanation for why I had to have the EEG in the first place, because it had come back normal so they wanted to know why I'd even had one (apart from the fact that my mother had told them what happened) I'm hoping that the info I gave her, eg what DID happen and why I DID have the EEG, will be enough to sate them.

So we're now waiting to hear back from them again. They've said I should have an answer by 6 pm today, but they've said that before. Part of me is hopeful, but the rest of me is telling me that its not the end of the world if they still say no, I handled it eloquently and in an adult manner, and actually the fact I was strong enough and confident enough to talk to them myself is an achievement in itself. If they still say no, I'm going to put it down to bureaucracy and their obligation to cover themselves if anything were to go wrong. I've been exploring other options anyway, so it wont be the end of the world.

H.x

Gamezzzbox

2010-03-21T00:39:00.001Z

Sweet. Games are on their way. Gears of War 2 is technically already here, but as I was in hospital when they tried to deliver it and it's recorded delivery, I'll have to wait til Monday. Just Cause, Dark Sector, Assassin's Creed and Far Cry 2 have apparently all be dispatched. I know, the games are old, but I've completed AC2, and can't afford JC2. Besides, I'm clearly old school. Only ones that haven't heard of dispatch on are Dead Space and Mirror's Edge. Actually, I find it quite funny that I've already got loads of games, and with these too... I blatently don't have the time to play them. Ah well. I'll muddle along, ever so slowly.

H.x

2010-03-19T22:34:00.001Z

eBay and Amazon are the bane of my life. Literally, over the last two days I've spent £45 on Xbox games :s I'm not too worried though, cos the plan is to play them all through at least once, and unless I really really like it, I'll either sell them on or trade them in somewhere for more expensive games. To be honest, £45 for 7 games ain't bad though is it?

Lighter Life day.

2010-03-16T23:08:00.003Z

So I had my first weigh in at Lighter Life today and I am pleased to say I have lost 7.7lbs in a week :) I am so pleased with that. I'm obviously now hoping I can keep that up as I'd be losing a stone a fortnight haha. But to be honest I'll be pleased with anything.

Unfortunately though, the road has not been smooth.

Lighter Life originally weren't going to let me do the programme due to the fact I have been depressed, but then after certain forms were filled out they said that was no longer an issue.

Then they said that because I was waiting for the results of an EEG I shouldnt be allowed to do the programme. We then gave them the results, which came back normal, so I dont have epilepsy, so it should have been ok.

However, they are now saying they need 'more information'. What more fucking information can they need? It's making me quite upset and angry to be honest, as I'm now again not allowed to have the food packs. My LL counsellor has however given me the necessary knowledge to stay in Ketosis so I can technically continue losing the weight until they give me the all clear, but its still very frustrating. It just seems as though they're now simply trying to find any reason not to let me do it, but I'm not giving up.

In other news, today I was a human pin cushion; I had my pre-operative appointment today and they needed to take some blood, and unfortunately my veins are notoriously difficult to find, so it took 4 goes to get some blood out of me. Which of course means the crooks of my arms are now very sore and bruised, but its nothing I haven't dealt with before. I'm so used to needles now after all the injections and blood samples I had to have done before I went to Africa a couple of years ago, that they really dont bother me. I'm not keen on watching the needle actually go in, but once its in I love watching the liquids going in or being taken out :) I know, I'm morbid :)

Tomorrow is March 17th, and so my new camera should technically finally be in stock. Dad's going to ring in the morning and if it is I'll be jumping in the car straight away! Here's hoping!

All in all, happy but frustrated.

H.x

"And it was all mellow."

2010-03-14T01:20:00.002Z

Today has been a big day for me in many respects. Well, one mainly.
As some of you may know, over the last year I have become virtually a recluse. A friendless, jobless, meaningless slob. It's only in the last 3 months or so that I have finally been able to pick my self up a little and try and move on with what's left of me life.
My friends ditched me because they were fed up of being friends with a depressed rape victim, basically.
The one friend that did stick around then proceeded to fall in love with me, then break my heart, and then get shitty with me when I couldn't deal with seeing her ever again. (She has since resurfaced once more, saying she'll come round next week. I'm contemplating letting her and trying to talk.)
I dropped out of college, failed my exams, and lost touch with pretty much everyone in my tutor group who I had come to love.

Well... the other week I got invited to go and watch the A2 performance element of two such people at my old college. My first instinct was to say no; I'm not comfortable with groups of more than 5 people, and going back to that theatre where I kicked ass in my AS performance might have been too much for me, not to mention the fact that there would be people there who hate me.
But then I thought again. Here is my chance, I said to myself, to continue on the path called 'moving on', a chance to get back out into the real world.
So I accepted.
True, in all honesty I thought I'd probaby bail closer to the time, but I said yes.
But then the part of me that reminded me this was a chance told me I was NOT going to back out. So I went.
This evening at 5.30pm I entered the building where I had made friends who I then lost, acted my arse of on stage, and brielfy was happy. The first person I saw there was... How do I put this... My arch enemy? The second most hated person in my past? Well, however you want to put it, she was there. I held me head high. Actually I went and sat down with a book and a glass of water as the show didn't start for half an hour, but mentally, that was a head held high.
Then yet more people arrived who I wasn't comfortable seeing, but I steeled myself as best I could.
I entered the theatre just behind them and took seat far away from them. At one point I saw that she turned round to get a good look at fat lonely old me, but I just kept my eyes on the stage.
The performance was great, it really was. And strangely enough, the emotions I expected to feel around it weren't there. I expected to feel sad, and a sense of loss. By rights I should have been on that stage again too, for my A Level in Drama. I expected to miss the acting. Once upon a time I wanted to spend my whole life being someone else on a stage. Part of me still does, but I didn't feel it tonight. Instead, I smiled, and laughed, and grieved only a little.
Afterwards, I had to practically sprint to the toilet as part of the diet I'm on involved keeping very well hydrated, which then consequently leads to peeing all the live long day.
After that though, I saw my parents had arrived for a lift home. I'd said I was going to stick around after to talk to the two people I came to see, and even though here was an opportunity to flee and say "well, I managed to watch the play, that's good enough" I didn't take it. I stayed and waited.
I watched was one of the girls came out of the dressing room and went to see her friends, also where she was stood. And then she saw me. The group of girls basically averted their gaze, which made me chuckle. They can't bear to see someone happy to see me! And she was! She ran over to me squealing and hugged me, said how pleased she was to see me. I proceeded to tell her how well she'd done, she thanked me, and then we chatted a little about what I'd already mentioned to her about going to see Lady GaGa. I felt relieved. She hadn't blanked me because the others were there, and she didn't try to get away after a minute of talking. Eventually she had to go, but said we'd definately sort something for Lady GaGa.
And then the second girl came out of the dressing room. She had spotted me in the audience when she sat down because she wasn't in the final play at all, and did a double take. Entirely understandable. But she too ran up to me and hugged me. She knew more of how difficult it was for me to be there, and she seemed genuinely happy I had made it. True, it was slightly awkward, it's the first time I've seen her since she told me she'd seen my trial in the paper and I figured that must mean she'd know I'm gay, and then she told me she'd known for a while anywhere but she didn't care. Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe not. But she did seem happy to see me. She told me we must meet up sometime soon, and I told her that I was hoping that in a couple of month before they all fly off to Uni I'll come and see my old tutor group. I so want to seem them all again.

I then came home, and sat reading through all my old texts. Honest to god, not just because I'm a sad old soul, but because I'm a text fiend and have to take screenshots of all my texts so I don't lose them when I wipe my phone so it'll work with the new sim.

As I sat there, I suddenly became aware I wasn't just reading text messages; I was reading my past life. A life that was far from perfect, but was taken from me. And there are things I want back.
I want some of those friendships back. Not all of them by any means, not the damaging ones, but there are some people that when I think of them, and how things were before, my heart breaks a little bit more.
And so I made a decision.
I will text or email both of the girls I saw tonight, and thank them for inviting me, and for being so kind. I shall then ask them both for coffee sometime next week when they are free. I shall then tell them where the fuck I dissappeared to this time last year. I know that in reality I don't owe anyone shit all, but I'm the kind of person who believes that actions need to be explained to the important people in your life. So I will fill in the numerous blanks, and erase the various misconceptions surrounding my life.
I've already found myself half rehearsing what to say to them, in typical me style.
It is something I feel I have to do.
I will then make good on my idea to pick another two friends up from college, drive them home to Dawlish, and hang out with them for a few hours, filling in said blanks and said misconceptions once more.

I feel that mellow, and calm, that comes over me in the moment I take action toward living once more.

The only situation I am still undecided on is the one with L. As I mentioned at the start of his soliloquy, she has recently sent me yet another messge to the effect of "Are you around on X day? If not I'm coming round in the week anyway." I can't honestly see how she hasn't got the message that I don't want to see her anymore. But now I'm wondering if I should see her. Again, reading those text messages has confused everything in my head. She told me that she realized she'd had feelings for me for quite a while, and armed with that knowledge, some texts do make more sense. But am I just imagining things? I know that after all the shit we've been through that a relationship would never work, but what I want to know is, is it wrong to still wish we could? I mean, there was a real chance for us at one point, and she just threw it away. So why can't I just let go? Why does the fact that she's so obviously moved on, so much so that she's now LIVING with her new boyfriend (not the guy I was ditched for even) make me so angry? I mean, she told me that we'd obviously never work because she was ''more than likely'' moving away, but now she's living loved up with some other randomer? The more I think about her, the more I realise that despite all the shit she told me about herself, I really didn't know her.
And what hurts the most? The fact that I wonder now if all those shit friends were right.
I have always considered myself a good judge of character, but they didn't like her from day one. Did I choose to like her to spite them? Were they really right? Are they better judges of character than I? Very little saddens me more than that thought.

So here I ask for advice; what should I do?

H.x

Life update.

2010-03-11T15:39:00.005Z

Once more, it has been a while.

I have GOT to be more disciplined about this.

So, first and foremost, I am now on the Lighter Life diet. I cant be bothered to explain in too great detail what its all about, thats what this is for, but basically it involves not eating any real food for 14 weeks and living on food packs and copious amounts of water. You may have seen a lot of my tweets about it, as I had a few problems with doctors forms etc last week, so I'm only just started on it now meaning I'm a week behind everyone else, but at least I'm on it.

I've spoken to a few people about the fact I'm doing this and had varying responses, but the long and short of it is that I am desperately unhappy with my body, have tried various diets etc and had varying levels of success, but nothing that works quickly. A lot of my psychological problems are because of my weight ( and vice versa ) and I dont feel I am equipped to deal with a lot of the other shit in my head while I'm constantly preoccupied with my weight and paranoid about what people think of me. So I'm taking control. I've done the research, and thought it through. I'm not going into this blind, I've given it serious consideration. I know what it entails and I am actually excited about it if I'm honest. They say that if you follow the programme properly, you'll lose a minimum of 3 stone, but looking on the forums etc there are some people who lose 6-12lbs a week! So yes, all in all I am excited. I'm finding it hard, the whole 'no food' thing, but its not the hunger thats the issue actually, its mainly the lack of chewing. If that makes sense. The food packs are mostly liquid so it doesn't feel fully substantial. The clever thing about the food packs is that basically they encourage your body to use up body fat for energy but transforming it into ketones, which are also a natural hunger suppressant, so once I'm in ketosis (when the body is transforming and using body fat for energy rather than calories) I shouldn't feel hungry, and by all accounts from the other women already on the programme, you really dont feel hungry. Now I'm rambling so I'll shut up.

In other news... well, there is no real other news. College work is going ok, my tutor tells me I'm making strides with the Wuthering Heights coursework and the revision for the exams is kicking off now.

Hopefully my camera really be in stock this weekend, if not then it'll be 17th March at the earliest I suppose, which is a bit annoying as I've been waiting for so long, but I'll just be glad when I do get it.

I SO need to remember to pre-order the new Pokemon game... not that I can decide whether to go for Heart Gold or Soul Silver... grrr. Ruby, Fire Red and Crystal all arrived from Hong Kong the other day and I've been playing on Ruby ever since. Pokemon rules! :D haha.

I also grabbed myself a Tumblr account... though in all honesty I'm not sure why as in some respects its very similar to twitter, and I already have this blog and twitter, so... ah sod it, I'll use it for web pages and shiz.

LEATHER BAG!!! :D

2010-02-26T15:35:00.005Z

Oh today is a happy happy day.

I awoke today to a voicemail from Mr Henry Tompkins of HTLeather, telling me my bag was ready for collection. I literally jumped out of bed, rang my dad and told him we'd HAVE to go and get it today as he doesn't work weekends and there was no way I could wait another weekend.

Originally we were going to go and get it at lunch time but then dad got called into a meeting, so at 3pm we left and headed to his workshop. Oh it's oh so glorious.

Apologies for the quality of the pictures, the lighting is a bit shit in my house. It smells lovely, a proper leather smell, and the feel of it is amazing. Smooth yet very sturdy. I was most nervous about the colour if I'm honest, as he had lots of different colours of leather, and even though I picked what colour I wanted I was still nervous, as even the same colour leather can look different from piece to piece. But fortunately, its gorgeous. And if I want it lighter or darker at all at any point, I can always polish it or leave it in the sun for a little while. But I see no need for that right now at all.

As for the interior, its so roomy!

I don't think the photo really shows just how much room is in there, but I'm seriously excited about how much I should be able to fit in there! The thinner pocket towards the back is for a laptop, or iPad, and maybe an A4 notepad/sketchbook. The two pockets on the front of the divider are great for smaller gadgets or notebooks, and you cant really see, but on the front of those pockets there are some pen slip thingys too. The main front section is huge. It extends under the two pockets really, and is so, so roomy. I can fit some books, spare clothes for the flights, my camera, and all the other gadgets etc in there easily and still have room left over.

The buckles seem really nice and sturdy, as does the strap, though I havent yet figured out how to lengthen it.

I am SO happy. This is basically my 18th birthday present, just a few months early, and I couldn't have asked for anything better. I'm so excited to use it in Australia too. No doubt tonight after badminton I'll simply be found sitting on the floor putting all the gadgets I've already got for the trip in there, just to see what they look like in their home :) I'll probably take some pictures then too, and whack them up on here.

As for the weight of it, its perfect. It's heavy enough to not feel flimsy, but light enough that it wont weigh me down before I put anything in it.

Basically, its perfect, and I love it.

March.

2010-02-25T21:39:00.000Z

Is it March yet?
My bag should be ready, the Fuji S2500HD will be out, my second GBM and Otterbox Defender iPhone case (courtesy of Alex Dixon, thank you dear) will be here, the 3 Pokemon games from Hong Kong should be here, I'll be on pay&go on the iPhone so saving money, and the uk pricings for the iPad should be revealed.
So hurry up and be next month already!

Sweeeetness!

2010-02-25T13:10:00.002Z

Today's post was a joyous collection of jiffy bags; Yoshi's Island, Tony Hawk and Dragonball Adventure, plus the Guildhall notebooks for my mum and I. Now the only games I'm waiting for are the 3 Pokemon ones from Hong Kong (Ruby, Fire Red & Crystal) which according to an email received this morning have now been posted, and the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, which should be here tomorrow, in theory.

I've tested out all three games that arrived today, and Yoshi's Island really is the cutest thing ever! The graphics are so cute, the noises are so cute, and, in the words of @Abcmsaj - its got Yoshi in it for fucks sakes! :)

Tony Hawk's is pretty fun too, but I'm going to have to get used to the controls on it methinks. Dragonball Adventure is nothing too strenuous, just general kiling fun :)

So now I'm OH SO eagerly awaiting the Pokemon games and hoping the Hong Kong postal service gets a wiggle on.

War.

2010-02-23T22:14:00.004Z

I won the bidding war on Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Red Rescue Team :D

So that's another one to add to the list of parcels I'm waiting for now.

Still massively debating whether or not to buy that other Gameboy Micro from my friend, its a blue one and I expect its in quite good condition as he says he didn't use it much as he got it just before the DS came out. Not that there's anything wrong with the silver one I've just got, its just that it is a bit scratched, and as I've said before, I'm thinking in terms of Australia too. Think I might haggle with him.

EDIT: I have offered him £15 :)

Gameboy Micro - Pic-cha!

2010-02-23T10:59:00.003Z

So this morning the doorbell rang, I ran for the door, signed the electric thingy, ran into the living room with my parcel in hand, ripped off the copious amounts of parcel tape, and lo and behold, I beheld my Gameboy Micro in silver with games :)

All the games pictured, apart from Rayman 3, came with the console. I've had a little go on each of them, and the first thing I know is that I havent a CLUE what I'm doing on the Yu-Gi-Oh games, so I dont expect they'll be getting much play time. Spiderman 3 is really cute, kitsch and fun, and Crash Nitro Kart is going to get some play time for sure.

Rayman 3 arrived with the normal post, and its awesome. Another one that I'll definately been getting some time on.

I've charged it too, though it had obviously been pretty much fully charged recently as it didnt take long for the blue charging lights to go out, which is good. I'll be taking it with me and playing it in the car while I sit and wait for my appointment.

And now I'm just waiting on all the other games - Tony Hawk 4, Avatar: Last Airbender, FIFA 06, Dragonball Advanced Adventure and all the Pokemon games. I haven't actually paid for the Pokemon games yet, as I requested a total from him and was waiting on a reply regarding postage. I got the reply this morning and sods law he said that he'd be able to give a £5 postage discount when I buy 5 games, which of course was the original plan but I decided to give up on. The cost of the Pokemon games and p&p is roughly £25 whereas it'd cost £35 if I got Fire Emblem and Zelda: Minish Cap as well, but I decided I'd just go for the Pokemon games. I'll have enough games as it is without Zelda and Fire Emblem so its all okay now. Even though I've probably spent nigh on £40 on games by now.

The only other thing I'm thinking about now is buying another GBM, in blue, from a friend on Facebook. I know, I know, but in terms of Australia it might be handy to have two, especially for the plane journeys, in case I run out of battery. Plus, ITS BLUE. He's asked £20 but if I can whittle him down to £15 I think I might just go for it to be honest, what do you all think dear readers?

So hell yeah I'm happy right now, 'cos I have a cute little GBM :)

H.x

Woohoo!

2010-02-22T20:05:00.004Z

I literally just yelled "Woohoo" a few minutes ago; Why? Because I won Yoshi's Island for my GBM :D I am now, as my dad oh-so hilariously pointed out, "the proud owner of 2 Yoshi's" - My rabbit and the game.

So I have now purchased and am waiting for:

- FIFA 06

- Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4

- Avatar: The Last Airbender

- Rayman 3

- Dragonball Advanced Adventure

- Pokemon Ruby

- Pokemon Fire Red

- Pokemon Crystal

- Yu-Gi-Oh Stairway to Destined Duel

- Yu-Gi-Oh Reshef of Destruction

- Crash Nitro Kart

- Spiderman 3

All of which makes me a very happy - yet slightly poorer- bunny. (Oh the irony - rabbit - Yoshi - happy bunny... never mind).

Now I just can't wait for them all to get here so I can waste more valuable Wuthering Heights/Jane Eyre essay time playing on them. The console bundle (including the last 4 games) should hopefully get here tomorrow, which means having to get up early as its coming via Recorded Signed For delivery, but in this case I so don't mind. If it does get here tomorrow, it'll be great for another ridiculous reason - I have my counselling appointment tomorrow and normally have about half an hour to kill after I've parked, and I normally take a book but the book I'm reading is too big to fit in a cool little bag my dad was getting rid of but I have commandeered, whereas the GBM will fit. I know - I'm such an excitable loser of a geek ~~sometimes~~ all of the time. I cant help it. Nowadays when I get focused and excited about something, I do tend to pour all of my energy into it. I think its because I have no social life and nothing else to get excited about that I go ever so slightly overboard. Oh well :)

Pokemon!

2010-02-22T17:33:00.006Z

Okay so this idiot in Hong Kong apparently obviously doesn't want to make a sale because he hasn't bothered to email me back at all today about the Pokemon games. Boo.

So I worked out that he would probably charge the £3.50 p&p for each item, which at 3x£4.99 and 2x£3.99 it worked out to £40.45 for the 5 games, which is a bit much really. I decided I'd give up on Fire Emblem and Zelda Minish Cap for now, seeing as I really want the Pokemon games and they're all basically RPG's I figured I'd just stick with the Pokemon ones for now. If I was to get the 3 Pokemon games from the Hong Kong guy though, it'd cost about £21 which actually isn't bad seeing as the Pokemon games tend to go for near enough £10 each anyway. For the time being I'm watching and bidding on other listings of Pokemon Fire Red and Ruby, both of which end in about an hour ish. If they look like they're going to go for more than the Hong Kong guy's selling them for then I'll just go for his listings of all three. Plus the only Pokemon Crystal I can find is from him, so I'll just see what happens in the next hour. Hopefully I'll end up with Pokemon games.

I've also bitten the bullet and just bought Tony Hawk 4, Avatar; Last of the Airbenders and FIFA 06 too, all under £4 each, bargain.

I'm also avidly watching another listing of Yoshi's Island after I unfairly lost out on one yesterday. This one ends in about an hour too, and I so badly want it. I'm watching Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Red team too which ends tomorrow, because it just looks so cute! You get to BE a Pokemon! Did I mention that already?

So the game hunt is going...meh. Okay I guess. Didn't realise how many games I was getting til I wrote them all down earlier! Which means I'm also going to need some cases in all likelihood...

EDIT: Fire Red bidding gone. Might as well get that one from Mr Hong Kong. Just waiting on Ruby now.

Notebook geek.

2010-02-22T14:43:00.006Z

Yes I am an utter notebook notebook/stationary geek, as you should well know by now.

I thought I'd be super cool today and introduce you to my four favourite of the many notebooks waiting to be used, because I really am just, that, cool.
First off, I'm currently using a hardcover pocket ruled Moleskine, and a ruled pocket Moleskine Cahier for my day to day scribbles.

Top left is the Alwych notebook; cute little size, feels perfect in the hand, nice spaced lines on nice thickness paper, and the edges of all the pages are blue. I kind of dont want to use it, because I'll feel like I'm marring it.

Top right is a cheap police style flip top hardcover notebook I picked up from The Range randomly the other week. The pages are a bit rougher than in any of the other ones, and I'm not entirely sure what I'd use it for as I'm used to using normal left spine notebooks. Perhaps I'll use it Australia...although thats kind of what the Ciak and Moleskine's are for.

Bottom left is a pocket SOFTcover ruled Moleskine, which I'm very excited about using, because I'm used to the hardcover Moleys so know more or less what I'm in for. Will be interesting to see how well the softer cover holds up to being bashed around though.

And finally, the Pocket Guildhall notebook. Essentially a version of the Moleskine, but I'm excited about using it anyway. It looks slightly cooler in my opinion, what with the stitching around the edges of the cover, which is slightly softer and slippy-er than the Moleskine's cover. The lines inside are slightly different too, with a top line you can actually use, and nice spacing.

I've also got another one of these on order on its way :)

So yes, notebook geek = me.

Gamezzz.

2010-02-22T12:52:00.004Z

Now have;

- Rayman 3

- Dragonball Aventure

- Yu-Gi-Oh ...destined duel

- Yu-Gi-Oh Reshef of destruction

- Crash Nitro Kart

- Spiderman 3

for definate on the gbm.

I'm still waiting on a reply email from the guy in Hong Kong about the others, which is fucking annoying seeing as the items finish this evening. I could just risk it, buy them all and then negotiate a p&p discount, but I'd rather not. Just check your emails mate!

Kerching.

2010-02-21T23:03:00.001Z

I so need to stop spending money. But I so cant.

Had a nice reminder from mum and dad though that it is in fact my birthday in a few months, so I'll be getting some money then I expect :) Silly me for forgetting.

eBay is just my life at the minute.

:/

2010-02-21T21:07:00.004Z

And now I've seen screenshots of Yoshi's Island and NEED it.

Web of the Week.

2010-02-21T20:33:00.001Z

Seeing as I spend the majority of my life on the internet these days, I've decided to start doing a 'Web of the Week' portion on my blog. Whether or not I ever remember to do it again is another matter, however.
Some of the websites I'm including this first post are regular favourites that I love visiting.
So, some of my favourite web pages, articles, videos etc, from this week;

http://pleasefixtheiphone.com/
http://www.modojo.com/features/20061023/125/rip_game_boy/1/

http://blackcover.net/

http://www.penaddict.com/

http://awkwardsleepramblings.blogspot.com/

http://moleskine.vox.com/

http://lamehoo.blogspot.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jO3dRl4V9Q&feature=player_embedded#

Right, now I'm already a bit bored, and the Ski Cross is demanding my attention.

H.x

Gameboy Gamezzzzz :)

2010-02-21T17:47:00.009Z

So having now won a Gameboy Micro on eBay, I'm going nuts regarding games.
The console comes with: Spiderman 3, Yu-Gi-Oh Stairway to Destined Duel, Yu-Gi-Oh Reshef of Destruction and Crash Nitro Kart
No idea if the Yu-Gi-Oh ones are gonna be any good at all, but I'm excited about Spiderman and Crash Nitro Kart.
I've also bought Rayman 3 on eBay and that's meant to be a good game, and I'm apparently winning the bidding on Dragon Ball Z Adventure, which if it goes cheap then fine, but it does look quite cool.
Now the thing is money really. While each game isnt exactly mega bucks, it does all mount up, and though I've got a bit more money at the moment its not a bottomless pit, for shame. The other thing to consider is whether or not its worth it as I may only play each game once, but the way I figure is that if I do play it and then dont want it, well, that's what eBay is for, right?

So, the games that are currently enticing me;
- Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 - cos it looks fun
- FIFA 06 - a football timewaster is always a good buy
- Avatar: The Last Airbender - looks cute, cool, and fun
- The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap - never played Zelda and want to
- Fire Emblem - apparently a great game and it looks gorgeous

And of course, some Pokemon games;
- Ruby
- FireRed
- Crystal
EDIT: - Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Red Team - get to BE a pokemon! So cute!

The last 5 on the list are all available from a guy in Hong Kong, so I'm thinking a postage discount should clearly be on offer if I do go for the 5 of them, and the other 3 are from the same person in the UK too, but as its free p&p, not an issue.

So I'm wondering if anyone reading this has any experience with any of the above? Am I making a mistake by even thinking about any of those games? Of course, Mr Alex Dixon and @Remy_Foster have told me what they can about the Pokemon games, thank you boys, but if anyone else has any opinions please feel free :)

Oh yes, and I've also changed my blog theme yet again.
Obviously.

:D

2010-02-20T23:22:00.009Z

A picture of all the important gadgets for Australia ;)

Starting at the top:
I have an iPhone, but am debating whether or not to unlock it before I go so I can put an Australian SIM in it, or to get the Blackberry. The former is the cheaper option, but the latter is the geekiest/gadgetiest.
I also already have my trusty iPod 80gb, but for the next couple of weeks I need to make a start on putting all of my CD's on it, and I can then sell all the CD's on MusicMagpie.com.

The Ciak, Moleskine and Uni Ball Jetstream pens are all sitting happily on my desk, and because I got 3-packs of both types of pen I've been happily using both for my musings, scribbles and every day life. Yes I'm a stationary freak, but these really are gorgeous pens to write with.
The Gameboy Micro I've just paid for on eBay and have been emailed to say it'll be sent out on Monday. Managed to get a good bundle on eBay - the console, cases and 4 games for about £30 - good when you consider there aren't masses of these around and they do tend to go for about £30-£40 anyway.

The Polaroid PoGo is also sitting happily with the journals and pens, along with a few packs of films.
The Freeloader is something I'm borowing from my auntie for the trip, so when we all go up to London in May to pick my sister up from the airport I'll grab that and check we've got all the connections we need and eBay for the ones we're missing.

Now, the camera.
I've been wanting something a bit more substantial, a step up from the point and shoot affairs I've always had, but not as expensive and knowledge-heavy as a DSLR, for a while now and started looking into it a few months back. Now in general, I'm camera thick, but after a lot of research I decided I liked the look of the Fuji bridge cameras, which have massive optical zoom lengths and afford a bit more creativity with more manual controls. I stumbled upon the Fuji S2000HD, which had another draw for me over the other Fuji models in my price range: HD video recording. So I decided I'd go for that one and then I can sell my old camcorder for a (little) extra cash. However, my dad then noticed (on his rifling through the Argos catalogue for his FIRST digital camera, bless) that Argos had listed the Fuji S2500HD, the upgrade to the S2000HD. After yet more research I discovered that Fuji had announced new models, among them the S2500HD, but they weren't yet on sale anywhere. More research yeilded the knowledge that Argos were expecting a delivery of the new model on 17th March. When I saw the S2500HD in the catalogue I knew I didn't want to just go and buy it without looking, so waiting was inevitable, as I'd want to maybe wait and see some of the reviews or at least hold it myself and see if they've made any changes to the body from the S2000HD. I'm hoping they haven't. THEN we found out that the Devon Camera Center is apparently getting them in next weekend!!!! Therefore, next weekend it is :)

Obviously, I don't have an iPad yet. But I will have one. Oh yes. The thinking is (for Oz in particular) that we might need a laptop of some kind while we're over there, if only for storage of photos etc, but any one of our laptops would take up a huge chunk of travel weight, so something smaller is needed. When the iPad appeared, I had my solution. It's light enough and slim enough, and with the camera connection kit we'll be able to free up memory cards left right and center, wherever we are. Plus, it's amazing :)

And the bag? You may remember my interest and consequently my wallets' displeasure in the Saddleback Leather company, and then my later wondrous discovery of a (very) local leather bag maker. I went to visit him, showed him the modifications I wanted after perusing both his website and my imagination, and an agreement was reached. He said it should be ready around about the end of February/beginning of March, so it shouldn't be long now, happily.

Obviously I left off all the little gagets, such as camera memory cards, batteries, cables, chargers and pouches for all said little stuff, etc.

So all I have to do now is wait for deliveries (which reminds me, I ordered a rectractable iPod cable the other week and it's still not here...harumph) and monitor my money. I've enough to buy the camera and have a bit left over, which could be more if my stuff on eBay sells, if I sell the camcorder and Magpie the CD's.

:)

Exciting stuff eh?
(I know you hope that was sarcastic. It wasn't.)

H.x

Update.

2010-02-11T12:59:00.006Z

Afternoon all. Apologies for not having posted for so long, been rather busy.
The past few weeks have been a bit...meh. The depression hit with a vengeance again a couple of weeks back, and I had a weird episode/fit on Sunday night, meaning that I am now back on anti-depressants (which is a medicine at the moment and tastes VILE) and am going to have to have a brainwave scan.

College work is coming along nicely, although I'm still struggling with it, my tutor is pleased with my progress and keeps telling me to believe her when she says I'm doing well... I'm trying to! The other side of the college work is going into college, which I've been finding very difficult due to my growing agrophobia and paranoia - being in public is funtimes for me! But I'm getting there; each time I go in I find it a bit easier. I've finished one bit of coursework and am starting the next, which is a bit achievement for me.

Money wise life is going good; I managed to sell the 2 guitars, amp and keyboard, all in total for around about a cool £400 which has certainly boosted my bank account. I'm thinking of selling my video camera to get a bit more money too. All of which means I have enough money for a new camera :) I'm loving the look of the Fuji bridge cameras, specifically the S2000HD, and its new upgrade the S2500HD. The S2500HD is in the Argos catalogue but not actually released yet, but the Devon Camera Centre is apparently getting the model in stock in just 2 weeks :D its around £200 and I cant wait.
I was also going to upgrade my iPhone 3G to the 3GS when my contract runs out in April, but seeing as there are so many rumours of an iPhone 4G coming out in September, I'm thinking that it would be more prudent to just stick with the 3G for now, especially seeing as I'm going to need/want to pick up another phone/Blackberry for when we're in Australia, AND gonna want to get the iPad, it seems financially sensible to wait. I guess my brother will have to wait a bit longer for my iPhone.

In terms of all the gadgets and what not for Australia, the list is ticking off nicely!
I've ordered a leather bag from a local leather man, I've got the travel journal and yet MORE pens, (the Uni Ball jetstream SX-210 and SXN-217, both BRILLIANT pens) and I've also now got my Polaroid PoGo!!!! (And spare films. Ha.) I'm also waiting for the retractable iPod cable I've ordered which will be a great space saver whilst travelling, and my Guildhall pocket notebook, another essential for while I'm away in terms of verse writing.
I cant wait for my bag to be finished, shouldnt be much longer now though :)

So all in all things are ok. The diet is coming along ok, I'm back on medication, money is sorting itself out, and gadgets are rolling in :)

H.x

GTD etc.

2010-01-24T22:46:00.003Z

A post of abbreviations. That saying is so true - why is abbreviation such a long word?

Anyway, much besides the point.

I've been doing some research into David Allen's 'Getting Things Done' system, and have just ordered his book to see what all the fuss is about. More to the point, I've been researching the GTD-spawned Hipster PDA and all the variations of it, especially those using Moleskines. On the one hand, they're brilliant. On the other hand, they're dead confusing and I'm not sure if I've technically got enough going on in my life to warrant using the system, but I want to, if that makes sense?
I've almost finished the Moleskine I'm on, and the Cahier too, so I'll be due a new notebook, but the problem is I've just ordered a Guildhall notebook and I think I might want to use that one next, so I'll have to wait. I'm not sure which will get here first to be honest, David Allen's book or the notebook, so I'm in a bit of a quandry.

I wont know til I get and read the book if I really need to use the system, or any parts of it like a lot of others, but I also think I do, but am not sure how to apply it to my life just yet.
So I'm annoyed, because believe it or not I like organization and I want a bit more of it in my life right now. So I'm waiting, and thinking, and attempting to sort out whether it'll be right for me.

These are just some of the links I've been checking out as research, to give you an idea of the sort of thing I'm actually on about;

Create a Moleskine PDA: The Student Hack

Hacking a GTD Moleskine

PigPogPDA

The Moleskine Multi-Tab Hack

Pocket Diary Moleskine Hack

Does anyone have any experience with the GTD system or the Hipster PDA?

I'd love to hear from you if you do.

H.x

Journal.

2010-01-22T13:44:00.026Z

So as you'll well know by now, I've been on the search for the perfect bag, travel journal, and pen for the trip to Oz...yes I know it's in 6 months time but haven't you ever heard of forward planning?

Now, as far as the bag goes, I may have made progress! It turns out there is a leather maker in my very city, not 10 minutes away, who's online catalogue does have some bags in similar styles to the Saddleback Leather Briefcase, and considerably cheaper. He also apparently does do custom made bags, whether its just tweaking one of his existing bags or trying to make one to order. You can check out the link here. I've just been down there this afternoon, drove me and my dad and didnt kill either of us, but unfortunately his workshop was closed. Apparently he doesnt work weekends so I'm going to try going back in on Tuesday I think. I've got plenty of print outs and drawings and sketches of what I want, so I'm hoping he can help me out. In terms of price, the SBL bag was about £350 + P&P from America; this guys bags are about £115. Brilliant :)

As for the travel journal and pen, well...I'm very happy :)

Originally I thought the Midori Travel Journal was on the button, but after closer inspection I'm thinking not. It's not the right shape, too tall and while the refill system is very cool, its not what I'm looking for specifically for Australia.
Now some of you might know I'm a fan of the Moleskine notebooks, and have about 5 waiting for me, but again as with the Midori, I dont think they'll be as suited for what I have in mind for Australia. For starters, I'm looking for something softback, and I've already got hardback ones and dont fancy shelling out for a Softback Moleskine when I'm pretty sure its not right. Secondly, from what I've read online, I'm not sure how well it will lie flat.
I've also been looking at the Cartesio but think its a bit too Moleskine-ish for my requirements. Basically I've been reading through the Black Cover notepad review blog for inspiration, so take a look.

Then after much perusing, I discovered the Ciak. The review is promising, and I have found a site that sells them here, even 3 for 2! AND even more excitingly (cough) they actually do a specific travel journal, though its only in the medium size and part of me is leaning more towards the large. But the EXTRA special good news is that I suddenly remembered while reading some comments, that Paperchase at least used to have that very notebook. So after college yesterday I popped in, and they had ONE, single, solitary, lonely Ciak Travel Journal in red! It was perfect! It was the sample they'd had, and while the rest of the travel journals had sold, no one wanted the bashed sample one. I was the opposite! I'd been looking at the red one anyway, so I had to ask how much they'd knock off considering it was the only one left and the sample at that. Originally, the manager said she could give me 10% off... from £10.50. I was hesitant. She then offered me 15% off. And then, out of nowhere, while we were just talking and she was seeing if there were any other notebooks that were suited to what I wanted, she just said "Oh you know what, I'll give it to you for half price. It's been sitting there on its own for ages and no one else wants it, and you do, so I'll give you half price." Brilliant. £5.50 in the end, means I got the medium Ciak Travel Journal for less than they were selling the pocket version! And I couldn't be happier it with it. It's got the standard first page for information, but with more travel-specific details such as Passport Number and Drivers License. Then there's an itinerary page, and a world map, which is perfect for me because I can draw in the flight paths we take :) Then you've got the usual pages of distances, and units of measurement and such like, then finally a check list before the journal proper. And what a joy it is... the paper is so smooth and soft, and though I cant bring myself to write on it just yet, I'm confident it will be a joy to write on. It comes with alternating blank and lined pages which is perfect for sticking photos on and writing notes. It doesn't fully lie flat, which is perhaps the only downside, but other than ring bound notebooks I havent used many notebooks that do lie sufficiently flat, and its not as if I'm going to be using this in a situation where I've only got one hand.

As you can see from these pictures, one great thing about it is that the elastic band is horizontal, not vertical like the Moleskine, which is perfect for holding a pen and keeping loose papers and such like inside. Its also slightly bigger than the pocket Moleskines I'm used to, yet still a really nice size to hold. It really does feel nice in my hand :) the soft faut-leather cover is smooth and supple with enough flexibility. I'm not bothered about the fact it looks bashed, because it was only going to get that way anyway. In some respects, if I'd bought one new I'd be too worried about bashing it, because I'm odd like that. So it suits me down to the ground. I'm not brilliantly keen on the lines in it, they dont go all the way to the edge and there's a top margin which seems a bit pointless, so I'm debating whether or not to bother getting one for my next notebook, but for this use, I love it.

As for the pen, well its there in the pictures. After we went to Paperchase, dad needed to go to the LCE for some new binoculars (£300 but he gets a free pair of compact ones worth £150?!?! Mine!), and then I persuaded him to let us go in Rymans. I spent about 10 minutes trying pens before I found the Uni-Ball Jetstream SX-210 1.0 pen, also known now by me as the perfect pen.
It's gorgeous. The barrel shape is brilliant and the pen feels evenly weighted when you write with it. The only flaws are that the rubber grip is probably not rubbery enough, and there's a plastic ridge right where I hold it, but nothing major. It really is ridiculously comfortable to write with, and this coming from someone who hasnt had to hand write anything much for months, so anytime I do my hand aches after about 2 minutes. But not with this pen. The ink is a very dark black, not like some of these 'black' pens that come out grey, and you dont have to apply much pressure to get an even line. I think its technically a rollerball, but it looks and feels more like a gel ink to write with, its that smooth and flowing. Apparently the ink is meant to me fade resistant and waterproof too.

All in all, after a good days driving today too, despite HTLeather not being open, I'm feeling rather contented today. Some of the things I'm selling are in the paper now and I'm hoping we do get some interest, as I need the money.

So yes, happy. Cold, very very cold, but happy.
And to top it all off, I'm going to see Jon Richardson and Shappi Khorsandi at the Exeter Northcott tonight!!!

H.x

EDIT: Another advantage of the Uni Ball SX-210's likeness to a gel ink is that it gives you the smoothness and darkness of a gel ink, with the durability of a biro/ballpoint eg it wont bleed through paper at all!

Australia wantings - the leather bag.

2010-01-21T00:23:00.001Z

Ok so I made a list of all the things I want for Oz, and despite all my plans (which I still haven't posted yet) I now can't stop myself from looking into things in more detail as if I have all the money in the world.

Most importantly, the bag. The Saddleback Leather Company's Dark Tobacco Briefcase, to be more precise. There are reviews here and here, and despite the drawbacks, I've fallen in love. Check out the Saddleback Leather Company site to bask in the full leathery glory, but this is the one I've fallen in love with:

The pictures on the first link of the interior show just the kind of thing I'd be using it for.
But yes, the drawbacks are the price and the weight. Part of me thinks that $530/roughly£320, while steep anyway, might actually indeed be a fair price for something of apparent quality and durability, that will last, that I can consider as more of an investment... but then I think of the weight. The size I like weighs 6.5lbs with nothing in it! Can I physically even carry that? And with things in? As I grow up will I become strong enough to carry it?!?
But it's SOOOOOOO gorgeous, and although some of the pockets might not be 100% what I had in mind, they're 90% there. Another option would be to actually buy some thinner, lighter leather and make one myself, but I wouldn't really have a clue what I'm doing.
When it looks THAT gorgeous, can you blame me for wanting one? I could always sell a kidney I suppose...

And as for the travel journal and stationary... As I say, the trip is 6 months away, and I have vastly more important thins to be thinking about between now and then, but did you really think that logic was going to stop me from looking? No, of course not. So I did. The notebook I thought would be perfect, isn't, and I have currently not found the perfect one

I know I'm just being typical stupid impatient me, but hell, I'm excited!!!

H.x

Plans.

2010-01-20T12:05:00.004Z

So now I have plans.
After 3 hours in a cafe with my mother, I have plans.
I have plans and a more regimented time table, if you will, in which to do things.
I have goals, and aims. Clear ones.
They

First off: Weight.
I need to start losing on average between 5-7lbs every week for the next 20 weeks for me to feel happy and comfortable, to get back down to my happiest weight.
We're going to plan weekly menus that I will stick to, as well as a slow-but-steadily-increasing exercise plan. I'm starting with 10-15mins every day on our cool little stepper machine thing, (not just a step) then working my way to more time on it per day, as well as weekly badminton with the parent again.

Secondly: Money.
Basically I have a fair sized list of things I want to get/take with me to Australia, as you've seen, and in order to do that, I need money. As I said in my last post, I do have some things I can sell; 2 guitars (NOT my baby though, my electro-acoustic), a keyboard, CD's, a huge box of PC software worth £200 upwards from my uncle (long story - not stolen or pirated though, the real deal) and my old camcorder. But I cant rely on selling things as a source of income, so I need a job. Mum and I worked out that, on the basis of my old job (though obviously anything I earn will be dependant on whatever shifts are available in a new job), if I work 3x a 3hr shift a week (could easily do more) for the next 20 weeks, I can earn £900. Which is for me, a starting point, an aim in terms of income.

Thirdly: College.
In the next 6 months I will have to sit 3 exams, 2 of which are resits. I have a lot of revision to do. For English Literature, I have an essay to write, as well as poetry and drama text revision to do for the exam. As I started a lot of that when I was actually at college full time, I have a lot of notes to draw from.
Politics and Drama are a slightly different matter though as I wasnt at college when the work was being done in preparation for the exams. The politics exam though basically require me to read through the text book, and I have a friend who did the AS last year too that I will soon be asking if she has any notes or practice exam questions etc, especially ones she got marked and did well on so I know what I'm supposed to be doing.
The drama exam is going to be slightly more difficult to prepare for, as I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Again, I will be calling on the assistance of two friends who were in my tutor group to ask them for any notes and exemplar essays they have from last year.
Once I have assembled as much help as possible, the leg work is down to me.

In general, what I need is structure. I need something more regimented to help me get back control of my life, something I've simply not had for the last year. We're planning a weekly menu each week (starting Wednesdays, our 'weigh day') and sticking to it in the form of a laminated sheet on the fridge, and I have a daily plan of activities on another laminate sheet on the fridge too. This all means I have much more structure to my days :)

So yes, this means good news I'm hoping :)

H.x

Australian wantings, now with pictures :)

2010-01-20T08:43:00.015Z

So as you know, in 6 months time my parents and I are going to Australia to visit my sister and see the huge land mass :D
Almost as soon as the flights were booked, after being home less than 5 minutes, I was already diving into eBay and Amazon etc and my imagination was playing havoc with my empty wallet.

So basically, this is the list of all the things my tiny, tiny mind is telling me I would love to take to Australia with me :)

• Leather bag.
Seen some really nice ones online, I'm thinking over-the-shoulder, darkish leather, kind of rustic distressed look with room enough for all this other stuff. It needs to have lots of little pockets, but not too many. The perfect amount. Unfortunately, leather costs. Even more unfortunately, the bag in my mind clearly doesn't exist; unless you count the Saddleback Leather Briefcase, left, which costs about £350.

• Digital Camera.

Well my Casio Exilim EX-Z1080 10mpx camera is less than 6 months old and works a charm so I'm happy with that :) Love this bad boy. I'm no photography pro but this takes a sweet picture. Might need spare batteries and memory cards though.

• Laptop/netbook.

Of course, I already have a laptop. In fact, I own two. The three of us in total own 4 laptops between us so you wouldn't think it'd be a problem, right? Well, you're right and you're wrong. First off, size wise my MacBook is probably best suited to the journey, but as it's the older white MacBook it's not exactly feather-light. So weight wise, dads would be best suited, and in terms of price his is the cheapest too so if anything were to happen to it, it's the easiest to replace. However, my inclination, in a perfect world (and this is just my Australia Wanting remember), would be to buy a cheap, possibly second hand from eBay, basic netbook thing to take with us and then sell when we get back. But then we all sit and think, well, do we really need to take one at all? Mum says yes: she can barely go one week without checking her facebook let alone 7! So it requires thinking. Ouch.

• Polaroid camera - One600? SX-70?

Had a real craving for one of these for SO long now. There's something about the charm of those photos, and the simplicity of taking them. Plus, the photos are great for what I have in mind by way of a travel journal (more on that later.) Been looking at two models; the One600 which was the last mass produced Polaroid camera, therefore a bit more modern and sturdy/portable/less fragile, or; the SX-70, a very early model (not sure how early) that's apparently quite sought after but there's a few of on eBay.

• Polaroid PoGo.

Basically the modern reincarnation of the Polaroid cameras of old. Can't be bothered to link you but google it, it's amazing. Size of an iPhone, prints photos in 60seconds, doesn't use ink, (ZINK technology) and the films are self adhesive on the back, yet another advantage for my Aussy photo journalling needs. Around £100 new, Amazon marketplace has them for £22.51 :D especially appealling seeing as the technically superior Fujifilm Pivi is an £100+ import.

• Video camera.

Technically yes, I already have one, and though there's nothing wrong with it, it's so out of date already. I'd love to be able to capture Australia in all it's HD glory, rather than on the one I've got which is slightly grainy looking now. Sanyo VHC-FH1 HD looks good, and £350 on Amazon, but definately needs more looking into.

• iPod :)

OBVIOUSLY. Two lots of 12hr plane rides just to get down under, not to mention the other 6hr flights across Oz, the 2 day Ghan train and the same two 12hr flights home! Not that my parents are so boring I'm going to want to constantly drown them out, but y'know, fair's fair. Does mean I may possibly need to invest in some superior headphones, but in that long run that'd just seem a waste of money.

• Moblie phone.
Yes I have an iPhone, but no I won't be able to use it out there: A) I'll have upgraded to the 3GS by then and B) it'll only be a few months old so there's no way I'm jailbreaking it, and most importantly C) there is no way in HELL I'm paying O2's international roaming charges for 7weeks, especially not when I'll be texting mostly within Oz. We're going to buy Australian SIM cards over there, but obviously although mum and dad will be able to use their own phones fine, my iPhone and I will fail. Hence, I am also looking at Blackberry's on eBay. Plus I want a Blackberry as well as my iPhone anyway :P Specifically the Curve 8900, cos its hot :D

• And last but by no means least: Travel journal.
Some of you may know of my love of Moleskine notebooks and my general borderline-creepy love of all things stationary, but perhaps not of my love of the idea of photo journalling. I say the idea because as of yet my past attempts have ended up being rather neglected. There's an awesome blog at moleskine.vox by this guy who is a creative genius in my eyes when it comes to stationary and journalling. It's not even especially obvious, or even intentional perhaps, but to me there is something so innately and intrinsically cool and artistic about the perfect notebook and pens and such like. Even his handwriting is amazing to me. And he's SO organized! It makes me and my flittish, haphazard ways a little jealous actually. Anyway, partially from his own work and partially from a magazine he talked about and scanned in, I was inspired into trying again when I go to Australia. It'll be the perfect opportunity; sun, sea, sand, Aires Rock, Palm Beach, NEIGHBOURS :D. I can snap away on my digital camera at scenic sweeping outback, Polaroid pwn the Sydney Opera House, and then when we stop at a cafe for lunch or something, I can PoGo my pictures and stick it all in. I can cover the page with glue, grab a handful or sand and take some of the outback home with me. I can really keep track of this once in a lifetime opportunity (that I actually do hope to repeat but still, I'm more likely to keep on top of it on holiday with my parents than travelling with friends in years to come.) Napkins from restaurants will no doubt go in there, cards from hotels we stay at, etc etc. I really want to remember it. Of course, I'll have to be careful not to spend so much time travel journalling that I miss out on anything actually worth journalling. Same goes for filming, though mum seems to want me to film every minute of it.
Now, as any self respecting person will know (:P) the perfect journal needs the perfect pen. And glues. And pencils for sketches. And more pens in case the other pen runs out. And a perfect pencil case for all of the above. So for the next 6 months I will be on the hunt for my perfect travel journal and stationary. I can't wait :)

So that's my ideal Australia wish list, and at the moment it is very much a wish list; with me myself earning no money and anything my parents earn now basically going into the Oz trip, there are a hell of a lot of if's and but's. Firstly I'm going to try and get a job soon hopefully, if I can actually do it. If I cant yet, I suppose there's always my savings if I'm simply overcome with desire for some items, and I can pay myself back when I do get a job as it were. As I say; if's, but's and even a fair few maybe's in there too!
Plus, I've got plenty of shit I can sell.

So there you have it. One long, approximately £800 long list.

If anyone can help me out with any of the items in any way, do please let me know! :D

H.x

Off to see the wizard...

2010-01-17T19:09:00.010Z

Been out today in the ole' wagon :)

Did I mention I've passed my driving test?

It went pretty well so I'm pleased, although I cannot possibly imagine driving on my own just yet...the thought terrifies me if I'm honest! But I'm sure I'll steel myself and manage to at some point.

Decided to change the blog theme, no idea why really, just felt like a change.

In other news, still feeling a bit under the weather. Been feeling a bit rough for the last 3-4 weeks, and the other night I was up shivering like a vibrating thing (behave), coughing and spluttering and trying not to be sick, and I'm still getting over that now.
It's annoying that I'm a bit ill AGAIN, but what can you do?

The diet starts properly this week. I wont lie, some of you reading this and who know me on twitter might possibly have an image of you in your mind; it'll be wrong. I dont really like talking about my body because I'm not exactly proud of said body, but the next few months I'm going to be getting myself to the gym a bit more (something I HATE), eating more wisely, and the parents and I are going to resurrect our weekly badminton hour.

Why? Well, aside from the fact I need to because I dont like my body, I need to because I'm going to Australia in 6 months!

That's right, after 3 hours in a travel agent yesterday, we have indeed booked flights and stuff for our trip to Australia in July. My sister moved out to Oz about a year and a half ago to do her PHD so we're going out to visit her and see a bit of the country. I say a bit of the country, look at this map to get an idea of just how big Oz is; IMAGE Anyway, so we've booked our flights out there, some of the internal flights, our trip on the Ghan and flights home. We fly out to Sydney, then fly to Melbourne, then drive up to Adelaide, take the Ghan train to Alice Springs, then fly to Perth, and home via Singapore. My sister will probably join up with us in Adelaide, and when we're out in Perth her and I are going to rent a camper and go off for a few days.

I'm already dead excited, even though its so long away, but also nervous. We'll be away for 7 weeks, and none of us have ever been away for that long. I'm gonna miss my baby bunnies!!!! I'll come home and they'll have forgotten who I am!
We've by no means booked up everything; the only confirmed accomodation is in Alice Springs, and theres still some internal flights and car hire stuff to sort out, not to mention travel insurance, money to take with us etc etc, but I dont care; IM EXCTIED! :D

Not much else going on in this Finch's tree, sooner or later I'll get round to doing some more college work and playing on Assassin's Creed 2, when I can put down any of the gazillion books I'm reading.

Beep beep!

H.x

Happy New year!

2010-01-09T14:34:00.003Z

I've just realised I haven't made a new years post yet, so Happy New year everyone!
As you will know, I went away this NY to Looe in Cornwall with mum and dad, for a few days away. I have to say, I did enjoy myself. The cottage was lovely, and on new years night, we had a few drinks, watched a bit of Jools Holland, and then wrapped up warm to go stand outside with a drink to toast and watch the fire works.
We all got a little emotional I think, finally saying goodbye to 2009 and hoping 2010 treats us kinder. I know I did.

Other than that, I have been very, VERY happy recently. The reason? I FINALLY PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!!!!! :D Yes, finally, I dont know whether its third time lucky or new year lucky or both, but it happened :) I can finally cut up my L plates. Although not just yet actually. Because of the snow. Now I love snow and am very happy that Exeter has finally got it, seeing as for the last few weeks I've had to sit and watch the news and listen to people on twitter moaning/rejoicing about the snow in equal measure while I've been wishing for it, I dont really have any desire to drive in it just yet. Besides, I couldnt if I wanted to, as my doors are frozen shut, and the locks are buggered with it. Yay. So now I'm waiting for the temperature to warm up a bit so I can get into my car, and then I'll think about driving it. On my own. Oh god.

Other than that, things are definately good. I am LOVING Assassin's Creed II on the Xbox, and all my other games (not that I've played many of them since I got AC2).
I'm now on book 10, Crossroads of Twilight, of the Wheel of Time series, and I'm loving that too. Robert Jordan was a literary marvel, and I've only got a few more of his books left to read 'for the first time' as I have no doubt I'll be reading this series again. I've heard that Brandon Sanderson has indeed done a good job of book 12, and I cant wait to get there!

Anyway, I'm off to play more AC2 now, but happy new year and love to you all!

H.x

Get away.

2009-12-30T00:30:00.001Z

Ok so Christmas is over, megasadface.

Had a lovely one this year, quiet without nan and my sister though. I know my sister wasn't home for Christmas last year either but then she'd only been gone about 3 months, and with this year having been so shit we definately missed her more. And without nan, well, it just felt odd.
But apart from missing who we didn't have we all had fun with who and what we did have. My presents were mainly Xbox games, which I am more than ok with. I've only had the Xbox less than a month and I've already got: Left for Dead, Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST, Fallout 3, FIFA 10, Borderlands, Resident Evil 5, Mass Effect, Crackdown, Prototype, Battlefield: Bad Company, Dragonage aaaaand Avatar :D. I've been playing FIFA 10 pretty much non-stop since I got it, none of the other games have even got a look in yet. My brother and I have already taken Exeter City to the FA Cup Final and beaten Tottenham 4-2, which we were mightily proud of.
As we should be.
Mum and dad also got me a genuine surprise in the form of an iPod docking stereo cd thingy, which I was planning on getting myself at some point, but bonus!
Then we saw Sherlock Holmes on Boxing Day, which was pretty damned good. Downy Jr did a fantastic job of Holmes, making him more, well, more like Sherlock Holmes where others have failed miserably. See it. And Avatar. That's IMMENSE.

And now, alas, lo and behold, etc etc, Christmas is over, and it's very nearly 2010.
The worst year of my life is nearly over.

Unsurprisingly, I am feeling a little nervous. As well as feeling excited that this year will soon be gone, in number if not in memory, I'm also apprehensive and mindful of the fact that it is of course the 'anniversary'.
Hence why, I didn't want to be in Exeter this time round. I wanted to get away, tell everything I know to fuck off for a little while, and be with my parents and say good riddance to bad news come the stroke of midnight.
So that's what we're doing.
Mum, dad and I are leaving tomorrow morning to go stay in a cottage in Looe for two or three days, and see the new year in there. The cottage is on a holiday 'campus' as it were with their own celebrations and stuff going on, as well as all the usual stuff going on down in Looe proper, which is only a mile from us.
All in all I'm looking forwards to it. We'll all take a few books, I'll have my iPod, and ta-dah!

So I'll say it now before the Internet gets clogged up at midnight on the 31st; Happy New Year everybody! May your next 365 days be good to you, and you to them.

H.x

Location:Home.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T09:07:00.002Z

It's been too long! I know I've been crap at keeping up to date with this blog, but I've just had so much going on that this wasnt my priority. Suffice to say, plenty of shit has happened.

Long story short, failed my driving test for the second time, scattered nan's ashes, and am no longer friends with L by the looks of it. Fun times.

Anyway, it's Christmas! And typically of this charming year, I'm feeling ill, my muscles feel all funny and I feel like I could throw up at any minute. Oh yay.
Still, 2009 is nearly over. God I cant tell you how good it feels to type and say that. "2009 is nearly over!!!!" Almost as good as I expect it'll feel to say it actually is over. Nearly there.

I'm not going to write a long gushing post now, though I'm sure that'll come soon, but just to say Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this (hello you two! ;P) and to all my followers on twitter etc. I hope this holiday season is filled with fun, love and family, and that you stuff yourselves silly on chocolate and turkey alike :) Oh, and if you actually have snow, I'm jealous. Apparently Exeter is the only place in the country not to get snow, and I am NOT happy about that!

Merry Christmas everyone :)

H.x

Letter to L.

2009-11-06T13:31:00.002Z

This is what I've written to give to her.
But Im not sure if its right.

L

There was one more that I couldn’t give you then. I don’t know why this one, but it was.
I know you don’t know what to say, and I understand. If I'm honest, I don’t know what you should say either. You were right, there probably is nothing you can say. I understand that too. In my heart of hearts you know I’d love for you to turn around and tell me you still want us and you want us to work, but I know that’s crazy. But if there was anything I could say or do, anyway to make it work, I’d do it. I also want you to know that I'm truly not trying to guilt trip you into anything by sending you this or by giving you the others. I just had trouble getting the words when we were face to face, and my writing might say it better than I can.

What I say still stands; you are too important to me for me to want to lose you. You’ve been all I’ve had these past few months, and all I’ve needed, and I hope that in some way I’ve been as good a friend to you as I’ve tried to be, that I’ve meant something and been an important part of your life too. You know how I feel about you, and it’s because of that I don’t want to lose you. The things you’ve said to me over the last few months that made me feel loved, those things are what I’ll hold onto. I’ll hope and hold onto the fact that you meant them, even if only at the time. I know I have to understand and do what’s right. But the hurt is so huge right now. I hope you can understand that.

This letter has been deleted and rewritten and deleted and rewritten so many times, so I'm sorry if it doesn’t make sense or is confusing. I know I don’t always make things easy. For some reason writing this isn’t coming as easily as anything else. By time time I finish, it’ll probably be longer than I intended, and I’ll have rambled. Sorry in advance.

I don’t know where to go from here, and I know you probably don’t either.
Maybe it’s just space we need for a while, or maybe its space we need indefinitely. I know which one I’d hate to happen, but I also know that things can’t happen overnight. But I also know that it’s not just about what I want. When I think about it, and get past the hurt, I feel that the fact that you are so important to me, and that I feel the way I do about you, means I’d rather sacrifice the way I feel, as I’ve done before now, if it means keeping you in my life. But I'm also scared that things won’t be the same. It’s a catch-22 for me; I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want things to be so vastly different between us that it feels like I have anyway.

Most of this is genuinely my problem. I’ve realised through the help I'm getting that I’ve got more issues than I’d care for, and I think in some ways all of this between us over the last few days has gotten mixed up in my depression. I know I’ve probably not been entirely fair on you, and I am truly sorry. My main problem is that I'm not in control of my emotions, they’re in control of me. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, and I'm not trying to, I'm trying to explain that I'm so messed up that I'm sorry if I’ve hurt you. When you get this my mood and mind will have probably swung entirely the other way and in my head I’ll be blaming you for everything, which is just a load of crap. Then the next minute it’ll go somewhere else and I’ll be thinking “forget it, my feelings are gone, let’s go back to how things were etc.” and then the next minute it’ll go places I’d rather it didn’t and think things and want to do things I don’t want it do. I hope you can see how I'm struggling to live with myself, so god knows how hard it is for anyone else! Of course a part of me is angry about all of this, yes at you, and at everything, just as I expect and accept a big part of you is probably angry at me. But I know that part of my moving on with my life, if I'm going to have any chance of the life I want at all, involves leaving a hell of a lot of shit from in my head behind. It won’t be easy, and it won’t be quick, but that’s not your problem and it’s unfair to expect you to take that part of me on in your life at all. I’ve got a long way to go, and while I’d love for you to be able to help me through it, I feel that you’ve already done too much for me. You truly have been my ‘rock’ these past few months. Despite how infuriating you can be sometimes, I don’t think I could have got through it all, and still be here, without you!
Part of me feels a fool for some of the things I’ve said to you about how I feel about you this last month. It takes a lot for me to really let those barriers down, and let myself say some of the things I have. I’ve never said them to anyone else before, because I’ve never meant them before.
I need to learn to deal with life again, before I find myself entirely unable to. I know you’re probably tired of hearing all of this. I know from some of what you’ve said before, and not just you but others, that it just seems as though I take things to heart, am too sensitive, cant chill out, and feel sorry for myself etc, and while that does hurt when the people I care about say that to me, I know that’s how it looks.

I didn’t actually intend to say half of what I’ve ended up saying, but I think the Pringle effect seized me, (Once you pop…) so I am sorry.

I know you don’t understand this, but I honestly do think it would help me if you felt able to tell me the things you went to say and then didn’t, and now don’t want to because they’re not ‘appropriate’ and you don’t think it’d help. It would help me, because the not knowing is even now still driving me crazy. Like I say, I know you don’t understand that, but I’d rather have a few minutes of pain if you told me and be able to move on, than be wondering and not. I know it sounds crazy, whatever it is might not even seem important to you now, but to me, hearing something that might have been good then might conversely still feel good now. I can’t explain it, I can only hope that you can feel able to tell me, to help me out with that little bit of stress.

As I said, I really didn’t intend to write this much, but I think it’s because I'm so shaken at the minute and all over the place that talking to you was so hard. I really am sorry if my leaving so abruptly upset you or made you angry, I was just finding it so hard and didn’t want it to turn into a confrontation, so I had to leave. And I am sorry for the way I left the envelope with you. If it came out cruel, I didn’t mean it to. But I did always tell you, I only write about things I'm going crazy over, and as a rule, it aint usually good news if I do! For that, I'm sorry too. And I know the text message thing might seem lame, but when I couldn’t sleep and didn’t know what to do with myself, I ended up going back over things. I hate it, but I always do it. That’s what I mean about learning to leave things behind. Some of them really were good memories though, those will be the ones I hold onto, as long as I can forget the what happened next when I do remember them.

In some ways I really didn’t expect a text message after I left it with you, I didn’t even know if you would read any of it. But a part of me did hope you would say something, yes, and I was happy in a way when you did. I hope it did make you feel special, as you said it did, because you are. So special. Even if you don’t know what the Thames Barrier is, and even if you think you’re not ‘clever enough’ for me, even if you think Sheffield is near Essex, and even if you can’t eat in front of people you don’t know, all of that and everything you are is what makes you so special. At least to me. I think I know, in that heart of hearts of mine, that we wouldn’t work, as much as I also think and hope we would. Aside from you moving away, I’d probably end up making you feel you need to get away from me anyway, like most people end up feeling. It’s probably better, I know, that it happens this way. It was just hard hearing you say it so bluntly. It was hard to hear because it was such a change from how you’d said you felt. It was painful, I won’t lie. Of course a huge part of me wishes this wasn’t the way things have to end up, from when you told me how you felt, of course I still want us to happen more than anything, and I think we could make it work, but I know you don’t feel the same in that respect.

I just hope that whatever happens, now and in the future, whoever you end up falling in love with, wherever you end up going, whatever you do in your life, that you are happy. I hope that whoever is lucky enough to have you fall in love with them, treats you like you deserve, and loves you as much as you should be loved by someone you love back. I hope you know that I mean it when I say that you always have me, should you need me. (My iPod has decided to play The Script’s ‘Breakeven’ at this point, which is definitely not helping me stop crying while I write this, because I listen to the words in songs too much.) I hope that you realise how much I do love you, in every kind of way, and that means I’ll be there. The way I feel for you is like heaven and hell colliding, and I’m standing in the crossfire, but I’ll take it again and again if you need me.
Whether or not you feel able to reply to this, and I hope you do, know that I love you.
The thought of losing you, even though in a way I already have, is too much. To lose the one person who was there for me when no one else was, who stuck by me, who cared enough to even try and understand, to lose that one person who has come to mean more to me than almost everyone else I’ve cared for, is too much.

I don’t really know how to finish this now, I’ve always been crap at endings.
In some ways this feels like a goodbye, almost like you’re moving away tomorrow, or that I'm never going to see you again. Perhaps space from each other for a while is the way forward, I don’t know. I don’t know how you’ll feel when you finish reading this. I know that soon, I'm probably going to get away for a few days. Somewhere, I'm not sure where yet, and fairly soon. I just know I need to get away from everything before it’s too late.

I hope you do feel able to say something in answer to this, in some form. If you read this and want to call me, call me. If you read this and want to see me, call me. If you read this and want to write something back, do it. If you read this and never want to speak to me again, please just let me know that’s what you’ve decided. You know the not knowing kills me. All I ask, is honesty. Talk to me.

The last thing I can leave you with is what I couldn’t give you before. I left it out and I'm still not sure why. It was both the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever written.

I love you Lucie, a part of me always has, and a part of me always will, no matter what.

“You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.
You’re the most special person I’ve ever met…
You’re gorgeous. You’re kind. You’re funny.
You’re sweet. You’re so cute.”

And you said things that touched me.

You’re the most beautiful person to me.
You were the best friend a person could wish for.
You were my rock.
You’re one of the most infuriating people I know, but it’s all part of your charm.
You’re a true blonde at heart, but it’s all part of your charm.

You’re all I needed, and all I had.
My best friend.

“And you make me feel something I’ve never felt before.”

You said it better than I could.
“my words just break and melt.”

Me.

You.

You taught me that what I’d always thought was love,
wasn’t.

You taught me
that somebody you love
becomes something you’ve lost
all too easily.

What could have been
and couldn’t have,
becomes a painful dream of you and me
where I miss your face,
your voice and your smell,
your hands
and your heart,
where when I woke
I was sure I felt your fingers
running through my hair.

You gave me those few moments
of brief embrace and warmth,
and all there was,
was you.
Nothing but you.

I never even got to hold you,
to kiss you,
like I wanted to
like I thought you wanted to.
Like I still want to.

If there was any chance of one goodbye,
one real goodbye
that wouldn’t shatter me,
then I wish that I could take it.
Make that mistake that I didn’t make
that I wish I had
that I wish you wanted me to make.

I’d hold that one pure never-moment
and measure it.
Measure my pain
against my love
and see if I could let you go
so as not lose you.

I hope I could.
I think I could.
I'm sure I could.

If you called
I’d still come to you.
As long as you need me,
I don’t matter.
Not to me.

You taught me,
what I’d always thought was love,
was nothing even close.

Breaking, I reach for the poem.

2009-11-04T05:28:00.001Z

I thought I had a break.
A break in the madness,
but now the break is somewhere else.

Crushing bleak love
hammers inwards.

The desperate black
months long been so threatening
the hand wavering and hovering
falls again.

A hand punches
a hole in my chest
back again. The last time it was here
it never really healed.

The face that soothed me
turns no other cheek
turns no cheek whatsoever
just turns away.

Someone else will get what I wanted
again. What I loved
what I needed.
What I thought, for a I moment, I had.
Or so she told me.

Mountains rise and fall
but mine just keeps on keeps on rising up
and I havent got the legs
or the heart
to keep the climb.

One heart healed the other hurt
and now they both burn as new as a baby
feverish and fatal,
damning heart hurt.

The desperate, crushing black
the illness in me
learning me and thrilling
ripe on my shoulders, rippling as it runs across
and thrums through my brain.

The illness in me
that is me as I was born and bleed
wants to kill me soon.
The illness that destroys me moves
and pushes all away soon.

The black belief has no reprive
and no relief.
Not so as I breathe I do it freely from’t.
Damning black.

So black it has no name.
So full it has no mass, no weight.
So wrong it knows no right.
So swollen, cruel and crushing,
all in a moment and every
one of them.

Smothers me in all it's hell
and laughs at me.

So long as I remember me
I remember it too.
Days and nights and shame
and frights.
Always living.

The illness in me hates me
and I hate it back, with all the hate I feel for me
and more.
All the fuel they give to me
the words and wounds
I use to hate it.

The black wont leave when I bleed
and the black wont leave when I scream
and the black wont leave when I cry.
The black leaves
when I leave.

And it wants to leave as much as I do.

Hate me and I’ll hate me too
hate the blackness and brightness that I wish for
that slips away and runs
like the light from the light.

Fix me
and I’ll be perfect.

I've got the makings of a wonder in me,
the mind works too much
the body works not enough
because it's all broken.

Fix me
and I’ll be perfect.

Fix me
and the black leaves and it’ll just be me.
As I want to be,
As I dream to be.

Swallowing me and thorns in the back of my hands,
splinter and spit me out
slashed and scorned and sleepless.
Laughter in the black.

You didnt see the hell in me
but now you do.

Now you do.

Shoulders. (its a longish one)

2009-10-31T02:37:00.003Z

Today has been brilliant.

At 12.30 I had an appointment with a psychiatrist to review my anti depressants, and if I'm honest I was pretty nervous. It went better than I could have hoped. The doctor was a lovely woman who, despite having never met me before, was able to tell me things about myself that made me smile, as well as challenge some of my perceptions. She helped put me at ease, and made me feel that finally someone was taking me seriously.
We've agreed to change my medication as Citalopram clearly isn't the right drug for me; the strange, vivid, movie-length dreams nigh on every night are exhausting. I have enough trouble getting to sleep as it is, but then when I am asleep my mind doesn't get a chance to switch off and rest. Admittedly, a part of me will probably miss these dreams when I'm not having them everynight, but hey, who wouldn't want to be a superhero after dark? But mainly it will be a welcome release, to be able to get a good nights sleep where my brain actually gets a rest.
It's not going to happen instantly I know that; I'm going down from 20mg a day to 10mg a day for 2 weeks, then 10mg every other day for two weeks to wean me off of them. I've been told to prepare myself for withdrawal symptoms such as mild fever, swinging temperature (yay, early menopause!) and changing moods, and being generally more irritable, though I've been told to watch the changes in temperature changes and fever and see the doctor if they get too bad as they'll need to keep an eye on my blood pressure. But then again, I might not experience any of these side effects. After the Citalopram is out of my system, we'll review how I'm doing and see whether or not I'll need to go on another different anti depressant. I have a feeling I will quite frankly. Some of the moods and feelings I've been experiencing recently, I've thought to myself, "Jesus, imagine how much worse I'd be handling this without the anti depressants buoying me up and helping me find a way to cope."

After my appointment my brother picked me up and I went back to his lovely house to play Resident Evil 5 on the XBox 360. I want one. Bless him, he's getting a bit bored of RE5 but I'm a gaming newbie and he's the typical older brother and wants to make me happy. Naww.

Mum came and picked me up later and we went to Wagamamas as dad had a meeting thingy or something or other, so we decided to have some mother-daughter time. To be honest, we couldn't talk too much in there as it was so busy and loud we could barely hear ourselves think! I did manage to tell her about my appointment and how it had gone though.
After Wagas we decided to go to the Beefeater to get a pudding and talk a bit more. Quite frankly, it was lovely. Mum and I opened up to each other a lot more, and really talked again for the first time in ages. Admittedly, a lot of it was about the situation with L, though not the whole 'relationship' (ha!) situation, there's no way I'm telling her about that! But about her wanting to press charges against her ex. I told mum how I felt and she understood. We both agreed that L and I need to talk properly about it, so I did text her suggesting we go out for a meal tomorrow evening and talk, but not heard back yet. Ah well.
Then we talked about me some more. More specifically, about my self harming. Give 'em their dues, my folks ain't stupid. They'd guessed I'd done it again, but tonight I was able to admit it to mum. I had more of a conversation about it with her than I ever have, down to the fact that as she told me, she understands a bit more about it now, so finds it easier to talk about. I'll be honest, it felt good to talk about it with my mum. No secrets anymore. Well, apart from one, but I think until I myself actually know what the fuck is going on with L in that respect, I think it's best if I leave it for now!

Eventually we both got a bit uncomfortable in the chairs in the Beefeater so went back home.
When we got there, mum started reading over something she'd written. Now, she'd told me that she'd written what was basically a long rant that she wished she could show the jury, on the weekend in between the trial, and I'd asked if she'd let me read it. She wasn't sure. She didn't want it to upset me, or make me angry, or bring it up again. So she gave it to me to take to bed and decide if there if I wanted to read it.

I'm in bed now.

I read it.

I've never loved my mum more.

What she wrote... I don't want to use the phrase 'heartwarming' because it's too clichéd, but I don't know how else to out it. Heart swelling? Mine certainly did. Part of why I wanted to read it was because I needed to know how she was feeling, though she's said herself and it's obvious that she's got more to say in light of the verdict, but she didn't feel able to sit and write that at the time. I think she would have punched through the keyboard quite frankly.
What she wrote... I just wanted to run downstairs, wake her up and tell her I love her. But I don't think that would go down too well, as we all three of us hadn't long actually been in bed as we'd been up talking. I guess that'll have to wait til tomorrow.

Anyway, I've jumped the chronological-ness. After she gave me what she'd written, dad came home not long after, and although he was tired mum and I kept him up talking for an hour or two, because we're nice like that.
I asked him what he thought of my feelings towards the L situation, and he also understood, as well as helping me realise a few more things that I'll want to say to her. He talks a lot of sense does my dad, when he's not playing silly beggars and messing around to amuse me.
Then I managed to take a huge step. That's not arrogance, it's the fucking truth.
Not only was I able to talk to mum AND dad, in the SAME room at the SAME time about my self harm, but eventually, after a lot of dithering and conflab, managed to show them.
When I was talking to mum while we were out she told me I shouldn't feel like I have to hide them, but as I told her, it's not quite as easy as that. I was worried for them, how they'd feel seeing it.
They did remind me that they have seen it before, but whenever they'd seen them in the pas they were a lot more healed and not as nasty looking. One arm currently is worse than the other, due to the one being more recent and, if I'm honest, deeper than I've ever gone before.
As I say, it took a while, but eventually I was able to show them. I had to close my eyes while I did, which gave them a minute to take it in. They both said that in a way they were relieved; they'd been expecting worse. Obviously they'd rather I didn't do it at all, but as we all agree if it's what I need to do from time to time, and as long as it doesn't get as bad as it was a few years ago when I was doing it more or leas every day, then they'd rather know when I've done it so they can help me.

So all in all, to be really rather honest, today has been a good day. I haven't had one of those in a while, and it's strange that such a good day has happened around what are some tricky topics. It shows though how much stronger this family has gotten over the past year, and shows me yet again, as if I needed another reminder, just how fantastic my family is. Sure we have our bad days, and we even have our REALLY, really bad days, and even the occaisional MEGA SHIT day, but overall, we're getting by, together.

H.x

Holding on.

2009-10-29T23:12:00.001Z

L left not long ago. I'd texted her before she got here saying we need to talk at some point, but as she wasn't here for very long we didn't really get to do that today. We were texting each other the whole time she was here though as usual, because we're cool like that, and did seem to make some inroads. Things are still tricky though. Part of me isn't fully ok with her still, and I expect part of her feels the same about me. Things feel a little strained, and there's obviously some tension between us as we haven't spoken yet. But the time and the place never seems quite right. More importantly though, and what was nice about her visit, was actually when she left. I walked her to the door, and as she went to leave she turned around and hugged me. Then after we stopped hugging, we said goodbye, stood and looked at each other, and then hugged again. It felt more like we were holding onto each other for dear life. We're both hurting, and both feeling a bit fucked up at the minute. I just hope that we can still hold on to each other, because I don't want to lose her.

2009-10-29T15:59:00.001Z

Well blogwriter lite and Shozu seem to work ok, although I can't add tags from existing tags like I can in blogpress.
For now I'm sitting watching last nights episode of True Blood. I still can't decide if I like this show or not though. But I'll watch it for now. Then I'm going to have a shower and read some more. I'm still reading The Eye of the World but I'm also reading Guilty Pleasures, the first of the Anita Blake series. My driving instructor recommended it to me and seeing as I hope not to see him anymore as I'd like to pass this next driving test, he'd like to know what I think of it so I said I'd probably manage to read it before Monday. Anyway. I'm off.

Blogwriter lite

2009-10-29T14:56:00.001Z

Testing this app too.

testing shozu

2009-10-29T14:48:00.001Z

testing shozu's ability to actually post to my fucking blog.

Hmm.

2009-10-29T13:50:00.000Z

Still don't know how I should be feeling. I know I'm supposed to be there for her but it's ... Oh fuck I don't know.
She hasn't handled it particularly sensitively or considered how I might be feeling, but I think that's just her way. But then maybe it isn't.
What hurts as well is that she didn't talk to me. Knowing I've been through the court process etc and she didn't talk to me. She tells me she knows she can talk to me and I'm one of the few people she'd trust with anything, and that she'd talk to me, and then she proves the opposite.
She was meant to be coming round for tea tonight after she finishes work. No doubt she will be in a bit of a mood with me (fair enough to some degree) at the moment and I don't know what to say to her, about anything, so who knows.
I certainly don't.

What now.

2009-10-28T23:56:00.000Z

L's just texted me to say that she's taking her ex boyfriend to court for raping her years ago.
Now I know this might sound harsh considering it happened to me too, but I really don't think this is the right decision.
She saw what I went through for the trial, and how I was when the verdict came back not guilty. And my case had more evidence than hers. Although she hasn't told me specifics, I don't think there were any witnesses and as it was a while ago there'll be no medical evidence.
She's also just said that she just gave another statement today and that the police officer said it was one of the worst cases he'd heard and he truly believed he'd be found guilty. For me that's a double edged sword. On the one hand, the police were so confident the whole way through my case that he'd be convicted, and he wasn't. But also, and this is because of something she said after the trial too, it makes me feel like what happened to me wasn't as bad as what happened to her.
And she's not exactly sounding sensitive or thinking how I might be taking what she's saying.
I don't know what to say or do.
You think you know someone...right?

Bye nan.

2009-10-28T02:22:00.000Z

So today was my nan's funeral.
It really was a lovely service. I'm not going to go into the specifics, but suffice to say we are all agreed that nan would have thought it was done well, as well as being disappointed that she didn't get the last word!
The vicar did the service wearing his white trainers, as instructed. He first met nan when he was a fairly new priest and wore white trainers when he visited, and she used to find it hilarious, so we asked him if he'd do the service in them.
I did cry a lot, I think it really did hit me that she's gone now when I saw the coffin. That small coffin. We always used to call her 'short stuff' and by the end she really was. Pretty much all of the immediate family started crying a bit harder when the vicar read out what my sister had written, partly because it was so funny and nan would have loved it, and partly because I think a lot of us realised how much we are missing my sister too, and thinking how hard it must be dealing with this on her own out there in Oz.
After the service we left and lots of people came out and I honestly didn't know who half of them were. There weren't masses of people there, as unfortunately most of nan's relatives have passed away by now, but I suppose that's what happens when you live to 85, you outlive a lot of people!
It really was a lovely service, sad enough to know it was a funeral, but with the right amount of humour and celebration of life that nan would have wanted.
She's being cremated, as she wanted, and her ashes will be scattered where her first husband's (her true love and father of her children) ashes were also scattered. That won't be for a few days yet. The crematorium is actually only 5 minutes from where we live, and the plot isn't hard to find, so I think I might spend some time there in the future, at least in the near future, if it's not too hard.
I really will miss you nan.
Seeing that coffin as we pulled up behind the hearse really hit home, and I started crying as I got out of the car. From then on I didn't really stop for about an hour.
I'll miss you nan, but I'll never stop loving. As my cousin wrote on the card that went with your flowers, "Gone, but never forgotten. Always in our hearts."
Love you and miss you.

In other news, I was texting L today after she said she hoped today went as well as possible and I let her know how it went, and she randomly said "I was thinking I never want our friendship to be ruined." When asked what she meant she just said "I just dont want to ruin our friendship by saying anything we shouldn't." So yeah, I'm not really sure what to make of that. I said we'd talk some other time as I really wasn't up to it today. When she told me she had feelings for me, I said I didn't want anything to ruin our friendship, and she basically said that us being together wouldn't, and now it seems as though she's changing tack. So I'm inclined to think she's ending it before it began, as it were. Funtimes. So glad. Not.

So once more my head is all of a muddle.
But I've got a driving lesson later today and then only one more before my driving test, so I'm going to try my hardest to concentrate on that. L's working til Sunday anyway so unless she pops round I doubt I'll see/talk to her much before then.

I just really wish things would sort themselves out for me.

H.x

Trying out altBlogger

2009-10-26T18:47:00.001Z

Right well Blogpost app decided that it wouldn't post properly, so knowing that BlogWriter is shit and not having £5.99 to spend on the blog app I can't remember the name of now I thought I'd try this one out. Shame though cos I now can't see what I'm typing. Hmm.

Posted with altBlogger.

Funtimes.

2009-10-26T18:35:00.001Z

I'd managed to block tomorrow out, but I've just remembered that tomorrow is nan's funeral. I'm obviously not looking forwards to it.
Still none the wiser as to the situation with L, though she has invited me to go see Top Gear live with her at the end of November :) We've said we'll go up on the Friday morning then catch a show that evening before seeing Top Gear on the Saturday evening. It'll be nice to go away with her for a couple of days and she seems to like the idea too so maybe it'll be good. As long as, in the meantime I can forget about the silly little things I'm worrying about lol.
So yeah, just a quick post today.
The good news is that most of my books have arrived today :) the only one that hasn't arrived is the one coming via Royal Mail, of course :)
Anyway, that is all.

Wish; take two.

2009-10-23T00:26:00.000+01:00

For fucks sakes. I wrote all this out once then blogpost crashed on me and didn't save it, so I'm going to have to try and remember everything I fucking said!

EDIT: I think I've managed to remember everything if said the first time round, but it might all seem a bit jumbled, just for a change.

Basically, I'm sitting in bed wishing L would text me or call me.
She just doesn't seem to talk to me about anything.
I haven't got a clue what's going on with her brother, with her and P, or even between her and I for that matter.
I think she's worked out that I struggle to be around when she's on the phone to P, but it seems like that annoys her more than anything. I kind of get that, as from the off she said that nothing would ever happen between them, but it's still no walk in the park.
Things just seem so strained between us. There's things I want to ask and say, but don't want to because I don't want to fuck things up. It's killing me that my falling for her may well cause me to lose her. I told her I don't ever want to lose her when she told me how she felt, and she simply said I wouldn't. I just can't be so sure.
I was round hers for a bit earlier and things just seemed so much more...awkward. We laughed and joked but then seemed to run out of steam and gave up, just sat there. Then she asked if I'd been cutting again. I lied of course, but she knew anyway. She said at one point; "I really wish you wouldn't." One minute I think she doesn't feel anything anymore and then she says things that confuse me. Then she asked me why. I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I couldn't tell her that I did it because I don't know where my head is going, or even IF it's going. That the situation with her, or lack of one or whatever, is driving me to distraction. That I'm not dealing with the verdict as well as I thought, or with losing nan. I told her that things just got too much for me again, which while true, still felt like a lie. I can't work out how she feels about it either, obviously she doesn't like it but I don't know if she's angry.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, probably because, as I've said before, I find this therapeutic.
I'm not ashamed that I'm an ex-self harmer, though I suppose I should lose the 'ex' there, because my scars make ne who I am. It's peoples reactions that get to me the most. 'Emo', 'attention seeking' and so on. Ignorant stupid reactions, and if there's one thing I hate it's ignorance. People don't understand it, but think they've got it sussed. And they haven't. At all.
When I cut again, it was the first time for roughly a year. To be honest I think I've done well to last as long as I have, but now I'm scared the floodgates will open up again and I won't be able to stop doing it again.
I guess it's just another battle.
It's the not knowing that's killing me.
If she does still have feelings for me, and wants something, then great. If she doesn't, then I need to know. Maybe I'll be able to go away for a bit with someone and sort my head out, try and get rid of any feelings so I can still be friends with her. Because romantic feelings aside, she is my best friends. She has been my rock this past year I've known her, and I just can't face losing her. When all my other friends fucked off, she stayed. I feel like I'm letting her down. She says she realised she had feelings for me around the time of my birthday, and that she was pretty much 'in love' with me not long after. But I'm not the same person as I was then. Im vastly overweight, have zero conficence and I'm a complete mess. Then again, that was all true when she told me how she felt, and when I said that she said she didn't care, it didn't matter.
The other issue is whether she does move away. I know she hasn't been overly happy here in Exeter for a while now, and I think visiting her friend up in Essex has only heightened any desire to move away. I know she's been looking at jobs up there. I've just got this gut wrenching image of her moving to Essex with P and living happily ever after with him, leaving me here on my own again. If she does go, I really will be on my own. But I don't think she'd stay for me.
I just need to know what's going on.
It's H's 18th birthday do tomorrow evening, and while I know a lot of undesirables will be there I said I'd pop in for a drink or two. L said she'd come too and then maybe we'd go somewhere after for something to eat. Maybe we'll talk then. Maybe she'll suggest or ask me to stay at hers so we can talk some more there on our own. I just don't know.
All I know is that at the minute I feel like I'm going insane again, like I need to start my life from scratch, somewhere else, as someone else. But unfortunately that's not really an option. In a few years maybe it would be, but I need a way out NOW.
I just want things to clear up, or fuck off. I've had enough of this year, of most years to be honest, but this one really takes the biscuit. At the minute, I don't see a future for me. I can't see anything, no success, no happiness, nothing. Literally nothing. I can't see how I can have a future now. Nothing feels right. It hasn't for years. I need a new body, a new mind that works how it's supposed to, and new heart, a new life. I just hate how things are. To put it bluntly, I hate myself most of the time, and I know the saying goes "no one can love you til you love yourself", but I just don't really feel worth it. I don't know.
I keep wishing, praying sometimes even, every night before I go to bed; "please let this day be easier. Give me a personality transplant. Make me happy. Let me wake up and realise this is all a nightmare. Let me wake up, slim, healthy, happy, and loved. Loved by me. Give me some sanity."
And every day? Nothing.
I'm just tired, so tired, and right now I don't see a way out.

Apologies for being so doom and gloom.
And don't worry, this isn't some suicide note, I'm too much of a coward for that. I think there is still some small, hidden facet of hope somewhere in me, that tells me I'm not going anywhere, not yet, and not by my own hand.
So I'll still be here tomorrow, trying to figure out a way forwards.

Wish me luck won't you?
And wish my wish with me.

H.x

Too much.

2009-10-21T01:30:00.002+01:00

Evening all.
Firstly I would like to say, before I get started on the meat of this post, a big thank you to all those people on Twitter who have been amazingly kind and supportive to me over the past month or so. It really hasn't been an easy time for me, but some of you in particular have been absolutely amazing.
I would also like to apologise to those same people on Twitter, and any other followers, who have had to put up with my erratic tweeting/moaning/general misery over said month. Once more, thank you.

So, it's been a while.
My last post was before the trial began, and also mentioned how L had said something that lead me to believe she had feelings for me.
First things first; the trial. It didn't exactly get off to a great start, thanks to the fuck-up that calls itself an 'organisation' (what a joke-as my auntie put it; "they couldn't organise a bunk up in a brothel) - the CPS. Long story short the trial either had to start from scratch with a new judge the next day, or wait until next fucking March; guess which option we went for? It was exhausting. Every day I geared myself up for the fact that I could be called any minute, and for the irate two days; nothing. I tell you, sitting around doing shit all in that environment really takes its toll. Eventually, on the Friday (when the trial was due to end, fat chance) I gave my evidence. I can't really explain how it felt, to have to stand up there and be cross examined. I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry, but I ended up in floods of tears. To stand up there, having to remember what happened that night, what he did to me, what he made me do to him, in front of everyone, and to be basically accused of lying by the defence barrister...there are no words. I felt...exposed. So entirely vulnerable, like my heart was being ripped out and my soul, my character, was out for all to see and examine. I practically broke down at one point. I'd been told I could stop at any point for a break, but I knew that if I left that room I wouldn't want to go back in. So I stood my ground, and told my side. At times I felt anger; anger that I had to remember that night, anger at the things this woman (the defence barrister) was implying, anger at the man who I thankfully couldn't see but knew was standing so close. Fury, at times, threatened to overwhelm me, but I knew I could not break, would not break. Besides the fact that getting angry and 'smart' with the defence wouldn't help at all, I just knew I could not let myself be broken like that. So instead, I spoke through gritted teeth when needed and through tears when I couldn't fight them anymore. When it was over, and I was dismissed, I felt drained. I cried and cried and cried. My SOLO, R, who was nothing short of amazing, a rock to me, throughout, had been allowed to sit behind me while I spoke, so was instantly on hand to get me out of there. We left and my parents enveloped me. We all cried. Then the court broke for a short while, and after that, L was up to give her evidence. I was outside having a cigarette and she came out 5minutes later. Neither of us were sure if we were now allowed to talk to each other. That moment then, me sitting there, her standing there, just looking at each other, me wanting to badly to just hug her, was horrendous. Finally we were told, yes, it's ok now, and I didn't want to let go. Having been through something all too similar years ago, I knew the process wouldn't have been fun for her, all the more considering her hints of feelings for me. To sum up the next period of time, I went to my brothers with him and stayed there til all my friends who were giving evidence had finished and then came round to his too. Eventually, the court day ended and we could all be together. That night L and I spoke properly, but that's for later.
When court broke for the weekend, and indeed, right up until the verdict, it all seemed to be going well. Our barrister seemed confident, and even the judge seemed to be leaning towards favouring the prosecution.
But it was all for nothing.
"They found the bastard innocent."
Those were the words my father said, and then he started crying. The moment he came in the room, the verdict was written all over his face, the pain, the anger, and the sorrow. My mother was crying, my brother was crying, my SOLO was crying, and L had gone outside to cry. I didn't. I couldn't. I just felt numb. It wasn't for a few more minutes that it swallowed me, but even then it wasn't sadness. It was anger. That fury, that rage that had held its hand over me while I stood in court, slammed down on me. But I had to reign it in. I don't think damaging court property and premises would have been a good way to end things. I needed to get out of there. Nobody knew what to say. I certainly didn't. Over the next few hours, when I had presumed I would go into 'shut down', I found myself able to claw my way out for breath. I would not close down. We went home, and over the next few hours gradually more and more people came to see me and say how sorry they were. There wasn't much I could say. At least it's over.
Even now, I'm not 100% sure how I feel. Angry? Yes. Sad? Yes. Relieved? Oddly, yes. At least it's over.
The system let me down.
Everyone, the police, the barrister, all my support workers, even the judge knew the right verdict, but the truth is, with rape cases, convictions are hard to get. At the moment the figures show that in rape cases, the prosecution level stands at 6 per cent. 6 PER CENT. Women are encouraged to come forward and report this abominable crime, but for what? For the hell of reliving it in a public arena, being called a liar, watching the hell their family goes through as they learn the details? The system is quite frankly BULLSHIT. That man's fate was in the hands of people who have no idea of the torment, the pain, the agony of living as a victim of rape, and they set him free, because there were doubts. I fully appreciate that the jury system may save countless innocent people from prison, but it's plain to see that it is riddled with failings. At the backs of the minds of every one of those jurors was the real possibility of sending a man to prison. How can you claim that would not have had an effect? Strangers cannot be impartial. Maybe there isn't a clear solution, but when only 6 per cent of these evil men are convicted, how can anyone say our justice system works? This 'justice' system hasn't only failed me, and rendered me scared to leave my house in the knowledge that he is still allowed to walk around, free and innocent in the eyes of the law, but it has failed hundreds of women, and will fail countless more. It makes me furious, it breaks my heart that anyone who goes through what I went through, which wasn't even as vicious as this crime can be, have such a small hope of justice. I am now supposed to move on with my life, build a future, but how? Everyone told me how I was right to take it to the police, that I was so brave to take it to court when so many wouldn't, but would I have simply saved myself the pain of those words: not guilty? Would it not be better for women everywhere to exact their own brand of justice on those bastards by having extensive counselling and building happy, successful lives? Of course it would, but it's not that easy. How easy would you find it if, as in my case, your virginity was ripped from you? That act of love, of giving yourself to someone so completely, with so much trust, that you had always warned the chance to give, was stolen from you? How easily could you move on, even if the bastard was incarcerated, let alone if he was allowed to walk away scot free? The justice system is a failure. Men who steal are convicted. Men who rape are not. Rape is stealing a woman’s right, rape is an evil act. The cunt who ruined me apparently considers rape to be 'when the man is violent and beats the woman up and stuff', according to his evidence. Is that not what rape will mean to too many more? The justice system FAILS US.
And I am lost for words.
What more can I say? What more can any one person do? One person who can't even leave the house and go into her local town centre because she knows HE lives nearby! Some small mercy, some small, small solace could, I suppose be found in that fact that his name was published, his address, his details. Anyone who reads the local paper and has the slightest bit of self respect wouldn't go near him. He will be the one who people know was accused, and I can only hope that others can see the truth, even if the court couldn't. I hold onto the conversation overhead by my mother in a local shop - on a day when the headline in the local paper read 'WOMEN WARNED AFTER TWO SEX ATTACKS IN TWO DAYS' my mother heard one woman say to another as they perused the headline; "well it's like that bloke who lives round here, they found him innocent but he was guilty as sin".
Small mercies, small hopes.
6 percent. Gone.

So now I have to move forwards.

My attempts to continue an education I desperately want but am unable to pursue in the full time manner due to previously mentioned inability to leave the house without feeling terrified, and my crippling body hang ups thanks to the weight that has piled on with the depression, have also been scuppered. The local college, that I did attend until it became impossible for me to do so, have the monopoly on local A Level evening classes...which you can only complete if you're aged 19 or over. What a joke. But I won't start on that now. Suffice to say we are battling on this one.

Battling. Constantly.
But there's one more battle that will not be fought anymore.
As some of you will know, over the last few months my grandmother has been in and out of hospital with various problems, and has been really very ill. As of last week, she had accepted she would not be able to return to her own home, and faced losing her leg. Then she lost the use of one of her hands. Then her kidneys packed in. Then she lost blood flow to her foot. Then the infection in her leg started spreading throughout the rest of her body. Then it was realised, that it simply wasn't fair to let her keep fighting, and in so much pain. The doctors and my family agreed it was best for her to simply make her comfortable. And then yesterday, she slipped away from us.
Fortunately, we all got to say goodbye. Mum, dad, brother and I all went to see her the day before. At that point she did still seem to know us. I sat with her, on my own as I had wanted, not knowing what to say. Seeing her like that...that wasn't my Nan lying there. That was an old woman, so small, and old. I held her hand, and she gripped so hard. I told her I love her, and would miss her, and would never forget her. I told her that I would always remember her whenever I eat Semolina and Ginger Nut biscuits, and said "na-night nanny nicely, bye nanny properly" for that last time, though I didn't know it. She wasn't fully with it, and kept saying "must be quick, must be quick", but when I said "I love you" she opened her eyes, looked at me and said "I love you too." When I left the room I turned and looked at her, and her arm was still stretching out to where I had just been sat. I'm crying now as I write this, and remember the last time I saw her alive. None of us actually thought she would go so fast, so it was still a bit of a shock. When mum and dad walked through the door while I was drying the dishes and L came down the stairs after her shower, I knew there was no other reason they would both be here, home at this time. It broke my heart seeing my dad like that. He cried on my shoulder, but I couldn't cry. I just felt so utterly numb. I think I barely blinked for the next few hours. I've never lost a relative before; I still don't know if I'm grieving right. When I was younger, my Nan was such a big part of my life. I'd spend weekends with her, go out on day trips with her, and spend New Years with her when my parents wanted to see their friends. I will hold so many good memories of her, but sadly, also many bad ones. I can't fully yet banish the images of her over the last few years, each time she was in hospital, each time she got ill again. I've never thought of her as old, but at 85, she had lived such a long life. A fighter through and through was my Nan, surviving wars, heart attacks, a stroke, cancer, nervous breakdowns...but she couldn't win every fight. She couldn't beat time. I still can't believe she's gone. Until now, I haven't cried much, I don't know why, but believe me I'm crying now. I'm going to miss her so much. She can't be gone. My Nan, the invincible woman, how can she be gone? My dad is being so amazing, he's lost his mother but he's staying as strong as he can. Sure, I've seen him cry more this past year that in all the rest of my life put together, but he's the strongest man I know. My sister, who's living in Australia, got to say goodbye to Nan when we did, albeit over the phone. Nan knew who she was talking to. She was so proud of my sister, so proud. I only recently found out that the last thing my Nan said to my sister before she moved away was "if you're going for 3 years I expect I'll never see you again." My sister really wanted to come home the day she said goodbye to Nan, but she's now decided to stay out there, which we all agree is the right thing for her to do. All this does make me miss my sister, which I haven't really done for a while. It's hard that he doesn't know everything that's gone on this year, but it's the right thing in the circumstances.

So as it stands, Nan’s funeral will be this Tuesday coming. I've never been to a funeral before, and in a way I think I hoped I never would. I don't want to have to say goodbye. But my Nan will live forever, where it really matters; in our hearts.

I'll always love you Nan, and I miss you more than words can say. I hope you're as proud of me as I am of you, proud I had you in my life, proud that I had you as my Nan. You will be my inspiration, to keep fighting, to keep living as I want to. I will not let this beat me, I will not. You never did. No matter what life did, you held your head high and carried on. You loved your boys, you loved their wives and you loved us, their children. You loved so much, and I will miss you so, so much. We all will. You kept fighting. Right til the very end when you still kept trying to take those bandages off! I will make you proud. I will. I love you Nan. I miss you. Please stay with me. Please help me live as you lived- with love and kindness, as I knew you. Na-night nanny nicely, goodbye nanny properly. You will NEVER be forgotten.

You can't see how much I'm crying right now. But I think I needed that. Writing that, and crying now, I need to cry. I haven't done enough of it recently really. Mum keeps telling me it's ok to cry, and I know it is, but I'm always afraid I won't be able to stop. This year has been, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst of my life. I won't be sorry to see the back of it...but I think I'll stay at home this New Year.

As for things with L...well...!
I feel tired and worn out now but I know how therapeutic writing is for me, and I know if I don't do this now I never will.
Basically, on the Saturday before the trial I think it was, L sent me a text that said something like "I love you more than you realise" so I replied with "Are you trying to tell me something?"
To be honest, I was mainly joking! I didn't think she would reply with "Well yes I am, but it's not the right time to tell you are it?” In the lead up to the trial, we didn't talk much about it, but apparently it was obvious to my SOLO and the other police officer in charge that something was going on! After Friday, L came home with us and stayed the night. I think we were all feeling on a bit of a strange high, I know I was. Having done my bit, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and we all relaxed with a few drinks. When we went up to bed conversation eventually came to what had been said in the texts the other night. Long story short (ha! I hear you cry!) she told me that she had feelings for me and wanted more than just friendship and I said I wasn't sure how I felt, but that I know I love her and she's my best friend and I don't ever want to lose her. The weekend was...interesting. There was a new level to our friendship that we both had to get used to, but it was nice. Flirtier jokes and comments, and texts between us that sometimes shocked me and made me grin a little at the same time. But it was nice. And after the trial, I came to realise that I did feel the same for her. I would be lying if I said that when I first met her I didn't find her attractive, but as I knew she had a boyfriend I pushed any feelings like that aside if ever they came up. She truly became my best friend, and life would seriously have been shit without her.
But then, after the verdict, things seemed to change.
I know it wasn't easy for her either, and she sat in for his evidence which undoubtedly brought back a lot of unpleasant memories. She went away the next weekend as she had already planned, for a friend’s house warming party, and when she left things didn't feel right. She said she needed some time to think and we'd talk when she got back. Only we didn't. And then she had to go back up to Essex to see him again. And then her closest brother was rushed into hospital, where, as far as I know as she isn't telling me much, he still is. There's also the matter of P, her brothers best friend who she had a thing with a while back, is really close to and is completely in love with her. And basically, it would seem she doesn't know how she feels. He knows about how she says she feels for me, and he was more than a little shocked apparently. Other than him, no one else knows. I just don't know what to do. She's obviously been spending a lot of time with P recently because of her brother, but it's hard. I'm trying to be understanding, and be there for her, but when she doesn't tell me what's going on and when she doesn’t talk to me, it's hard to know what to do. She keeps saying there's a couple of things she's wants to say to me but she also doesn't want to, and that if I push her she won't say anything. I also now know she spent the night with P last night, and whilst she says nothing happened, that he was just there to talk about her brother and then they had a fair few drinks and he just ended up staying, and while I believe her, I'm just struggling. They have a lot of history that I know about, and whilst she says she loves me and misses me when she's not with me, when she's on the phone to him or texting him I find it hard to even be in the same room. I haven't spoken to her about it, because with everything going on in both our lives I don't want to upset the balance, but I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know what's going on between us, between her and P, I don't know how her brother is, and she won't talk to me. She's says she knows she can talk to me about anything and that I'm one of the few people she trusts, but then seems to be holding so much back from me. I don't think it’s just 'jealousy' but I don't know what to do. Blame it on my star sign Taurus or whatever, but when I fall for someone I fall hard. This is only the second time I've ever felt like this, and the other girl I badly fell in love with decided to cut me out of her life when she found out I liked her. I so don't want to lose L, but I don't know what to so.

Things are just stacking up again. When the trial ended, other than the feelings I had over the verdict, I also felt relieved it was over. But now, I think I'm not dealing with it as well as I thought, and now Nan’s gone and the situation with L is getting unbearably painful for me and with everything else, I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed again. I've already regrettably reverted to 'old habits' as it were once and I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time. I can't switch off, can't relax, can't breathe, can't sleep brilliantly again, despite this glorious new bed. Most days I'm walking round with my head working a mile a minute and freaking out. Mainly about L if I'm honest. I'm just worrying about everything. I don't think my medication is helping massively at the moment, and my psych nurse was planning to change my medication soon so I'm worrying about that too!
Part of me just wants to get fucked hammered and pass out, part of me wants to go and smash things, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and die, part of me wants to scream and shout and cry, but no one part of me can decide what I actually AM going to do.

So right now I'm lying awake crying, worried about L because she was going home tonight to meet with her brothers doctor to discuss his situation and I haven't heard from her, worried about mum and dad, worried about how my brother's coping with Nan being gone, worried about my sister on her own on the other side of the fucking world and wondering what the hell the last 3 months of this shitty year are going to throw at me now.

But other than all of that, everything is rosy in this Finch's garden.

Time to get some sleep now I think. Apologies for the length of this post again, as you can see a lot has been going on since my last post so it was sort of necessary. Thank you once more for your support. I just hope it can be enough.

H.x

Monday, Tuesday, Happy Days.

2009-09-22T18:05:00.006+01:00

So, Monday down; I went and viewed my video evidence.
Obviously it wasnt much fun whilst I was watching it, but I had my SOLO there by my side throughout the whole thing with a friendly arm round me when I needed it which helped. Afterwards, strangely enough I didnt feel as crap as I thought I would. Something about me kicked in and I felt stronger, more positive. Although I know this case could easily not go the right way, Im feeling more confident about coping with everything. Though I could be wrong and fall to pieces but hey we'll take it one day at a time.

Now Tuesday is almost through, and I met with the barrister.
Firstly, true to form in my life the barrister we were expecting was involved in another case that was going on longer than expected so we had to have a new one, who was then late because he got lost. Overall though the meeting with him went well, and although things seem a bit last minute and chaotic, the barrister assured us that this was normal and not to be too worried. He gave me some more advice about answering questions and answered all the questions we had, so Im feeling ok about that.

So overall I'm feeling...ok about the trial at the minute. But as I say, that could all change.

On another note, things seem to have suddenly got a bit complicated with my best friend L after something she said in a text last night, eg either I jumped to the wrong conclusion or shes got feelings for me. She was beating herself up about having said anything now as shes knows I've got enough on, but we've just said we'll leave it for now and talk about it some other time. So yeah, MY LIFE IS NEVER SIMPLE IS IT?!?!

H.x

Well apparently fucking not.

2009-09-19T19:19:00.002+01:00

RE; Last post. Fucking failed. You saw my tweets about it. Monday is nearly here which means viewing my evidence, something I'm obviously not looking forwards to. Then on Tuesday I meet with my barrister and then Wednesday strikes. Oh deepest joy. Sensing sarcasm? Good.

For now, I'm feeling pretty crap after Friday's failure. Basically my driving test was going really quite well, and I came up to the last roundabout before the test center thinking "Oh my god, I'm actually going to do this." And then some git of a van driver decided that it would be fun to get in the wrong lane and then pull out in front of me as I moved because the way looked clear. The examiner had to slam on the brakes and that was it. "Shit. Fuck. Well thats me failed." And it was. Oh well. I had my period of shut down when I got home, then I had a cry, and now I'm feeling a bit better about it. Still feeling shit about it, but slowly realising that although its just one more thing in my life thats gone wrong, it might not actually be the end of the world. My driving instructor texted me today to say that he has booked me another test for the beginning of November, and I text back thanking him but also adding that if there was any chance of a cancellation before then, as long as its not this week obviously, then I'm free for that so it'd be much appreciated. No reply so far.

Apart from that I'm just doing the usual and bumming around, eating and smoking too much and doing too little. My progress in terms of reading is still increasing though, I've read quite a few books and got a few more sitting waiting to be read. I have thus far read and enjoyed; The Twilight series/saga and The Host (Stephanie Meyer), War Horse (Micheal Morpurgo) and... Suddenly I cant for the life of me remember what other ones I've read are and I'll be buggered if I'm going upstairs to check. My 'To Read' list is a little longer; Time Travellers Wife, Altas Shrugged, The God Delusion, The Dice Man, Million Little Pieces, My Friend Leonard, Picture of Dorian Gray, The Great Gatsby and quite a few more. And the book of Let The Right One In and another by the same guy that're on their way to me. So plenty to get through methinks.

Onwards and upwards hey?
I'll try to be on twitter etc as much as I can over the next week, but as I'm sure you can understand things wont exactly be much fun for me so chances are I'll be curled up in a ball somewhere. But I know there's a fair few of you who'll be thinking of me and whose support I can count on, and for that I thank you, more than you will ever now.

Stay safe, play nice, and sleep tight.

H.x

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

2009-09-17T22:03:00.011+01:00

With any luck I'll be getting rid of these tomorrow

and getting some of these!

Long time no speak.

2009-09-11T16:41:00.002+01:00

As if its actually only 10 days since I last wrote anything on here, feels like a lot longer. So just a quick update on proceedings, everything is going ok with mum and dad, but the nerves are mounting. My driving test is in a weeks time, and though I've passed a few practice test routes I'm still feeling nervous. Then a week on Monday I have to go and view my video evidence, both the main bit I gave in January and the bit about my sexuality I gave recently. Suffice to say I'm not really looking forwards to that. Tuesday I meet my barrister, and Wednesday the trial begins. So yeah, things are going okish, but mainly I'm just feeling very nervous, hence my being a bit more absent from twitter etc. Expect that to be a bit or a regular thing over the next week or so, but I'll try and get back on a bit more when I can. On another note, conversations with my driving instructor have made me think more about the idea of getting a dog, and I'm going to talk to mum and dad about it soon :) think I want to adopt a doggy :)

Over and out :)

2009-09-01T02:41:00.000+01:00

So I promised you details; I'll talk you through the few important days, as I know some of you are dying for details (not naming names Josi :P), and then give you a general update as to how things are going.

Tuesday.
Recieved a phone call from my SOLO, R, as promised when I spoke to her before we went away last week, to arrange a time/date for her to come round and help me tell the parents the necessary. We decided on Friday at 1pm. My nerves were mounting already.

Thursday.
My friend L wanted to go out for a meal with us, and I was grateful for the distraction to be honest, otherwise I'd just have been sitting there trembling while my parents wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I got the sense that something was up with L anyway, and was right. Suffice to say her (now ex-) boyfriends parents were being twats, and she was having a bit of difficulty with him too. While we were out I rang my auntie, as she'd said I could, to talk to her. I told her that R was coming round tomorrow at 1pm to help me tell mum and dad. Just chatted for a while and she eased some of my worries and helped me figure out what I was going to actually physically say. My friend then eventually stayed round mine, and we just talked about the next day and how I was feeling about it.

Friday.
L had work at 9am, so I had to semi-wake up then to say goodbye. Mum gave her a lift to work and I went back to bed for an hour or so, as my counsellor wasnt coming round until 11.30am. I woke up again properly at about 11am and my stomach was churning. I was hungry but when I tried to eat anything, I just felt, quite honestly, that I was going to bring it back up again sometime soon. So I gave up with the eating and instead sat on the garden bench shaking like a leaf and chain smoking. 11.30 came and went...and I was getting worse. She was only ten minutes late due to a meeting finishing late, but by the time my counsellor arrived at twenty to 12 I was borderline a mess. I made her a cup of tea and then explained why I was really quite so in need of seeing her. I told her everything she needed to know, and she offered to be there too but said perhaps it might be best if it was just the four of us, but that she could come back later if we needed her. We'd pretty much just finished anyway, but then dad came home at 12.30. I said goodbye to her and went for another cigarette. While I was outside mum arrived home and I knew it was all getting very close. I came in and sat down, and soon enough the doorbell rang. I jumped up ("I'll get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") and answered the door. R greeted me with a kind and knowing smile, and I welcomed her in. She went and said hi to my parents while I put the kettle on. She then joined me in the kitchen and I quietly told her the way I thought it would be best to do this. We'd go through whatever answers she could give us to the questions we asked at the pre-trial court visit, and then I'd take over. I began to relax a little as we went through the questions we had, as it took a bit longer than I'd expected so I had the time to relax. However, as I saw we were answering the last question on the list, my heart sped up by several thousand notches. Then my dad said what I was waiting for; "So, is that everything?"
I looked at R and spoke. I cant remember exactly what I said, but I started by asking them not to interrupt me for a minute, and to just let me talk. I told them that I had something to tell them and it might go some way to explaining the extent and length of my depression, as well as my falling out with my friends and why January was so hard. I told them that I have to tell them as its to do with the case, and that its the strongest piece of evidence in the case for prosecution. I then stumbled one hell of a lot, as getting the actual point of this out was the hardest bit. In the end, I settled for the way I told my auntie and counsellor - "the reason what happened in January was so hard, is because I dont like men." (a phrasing that my mother later realised was quite funny, but more on that later.)

I'm not really sure what I expected, but it certainly wasnt what happened.
I couldnt look at either of my parents, just stared at the floor, but I heard my dad clear enough. He said that my mum and he had had, not their suspicions, but 'an inkling' that that might have been the case, but that it didnt matter to them one bit. At which point I think I may have said 'bloody hell' and laughed a little. R gave me a little smile and a hand on my shoulder. I welled up and my mum spoke. 'It really doesnt matter. If anything it makes sense.' - kind of thing. She then saw I was starting to cry, with relief more than anything, and started crying too. She then asked if she could hug me, to which I replied "please". At which point R said it was probably a good time for her to leave, as we would obviously need time to ourselves. We all thanked her, and I walked to the door with dad to let her out. She gave me a hug goodbye and told me to call her if I needed anything. It was around this time that my mum then got that sudden strange headache you may remember I mentioned, so most of our energy was then focused on looking after mum. She really was in a hell of a lot of pain, and I must admit that the pain and sensation she described, namely that it was down one side of her face and her teeth were feeling strange, did make me panic a bit inside and think it was a stroke. We've since been to the hospital and it wasnt. While she was in a lot of pain, she was worried that I thought it was my fault. Yes, a part of me worried that the shock of me had caused it, and although that was true mum assured me it wasnt in a bad way. She said it was probably because the way I'd been talking as I led up to it sounded a lot worse than it was, and she was thinking "oh god, what else happened that night that we dont know about", and the speed with which she got up to hug me probably didnt help.
Eventually, after going to bed for a little while, the pain eased off and she felt just about ok. The three of us had a group hug while I stood there mumbling, still worried that they werent being honest and that they'd much rather chuck me out or something. No idea why. Dad was brilliant. He told me that it doesnt matter to them 'what' I am as it were, only 'who', and they love who I am. Mum would have been brilliant, but the headache kind of got in the way. She was still great though. She's the kind of mother who doesnt shut up, and while I love her for it, it does get annoying :P Even when she was lying down in agony and we were telling her just to keep quiet to help the head, she was saying that obviously she'll have questions. I told her I could certainly guess a few she might have.
So, we then quickly had a talk about my brother. We all agreed that while he obviously needs to know, it might not be the best idea to tell him that day or indeed that week, as he was going to be stressed with all the moving and such like, so we've agreed that we'll leave it a week or so til he's settled into his (AMAZING!) new house and then tell him. Then soon after, my brother arrived and we all helped load the furniture we were giving him into the van. Mum and I then arranged to go out for a meal with best friend H and her mum in Wagmama's before I went round to H's to stay the night. We had a lovely evening, and on the way to Waga's I stopped mum, gave her a big hug and told her thank you and that I love her. She told me she loved me too :)
As I say, I then stayed round H's house that night. Partly because I havent seen her in ages, partly to give me a bit of fun after the emotional day but mostly to give mum and dad some time to talk. While I was at H's I discovered that I suck at Guitar Hero and Marcus was nominated. Then we stayed up til the early hours just chatting, and the subject inevitably turned to the guys. Now I wont bore you with the conversation as thats not what this post is about, but I did end up crying a bit and she hugged my legs (we were top-to-tailing) :) In some ways its easy talking to her but in other ways its harder, as I know I'm always putting her in a difficult position when I talk about the guys. She's still friends with them and enjoys doing things with them, even though she doesnt like how they've treated me, so its tricky.
Anyway, eventually she fell asleep, and a good few hours later I did too. Not before she frightened me with her sleep talking again, helpful lass.

Saturday and onwards.
H's dad dropped me home on the way to giving H a lift to work, and only mum was home. Dad was helping my brother with the first big van load of stuff from his old house, which turned into a bit of a disaster thanks to the van breaking down. Mum's headache was still lingering and she was a bit worried so asked if I'd come to A&E with her. I told her of course I would dont be silly, and off we went. The doctor thought it could have been a small haemorrhage or something called Temporal Arterius [sic] but the blood tests didnt confirm that, so at the minute we're none the wiser. Just having to see how she goes from now on. After that we went round to my brothers new house where they were unloading the second van load, and got the grand tour. Now this time last year my brother was living in quite a nice house when the landlord said he needed them to get out in a month. In that month only one place was available to my brother at such short notice, so him and his friend had no choice but to move in there. It was an absolute DIVE. The last tenants hadn't taken care of it at all, and the landlord was shit. They had no hot water, no working washing machine, windows that wouldnt open, and so on. We were all amazed that he managed to last the 12 months to be quite honest. But this new place is BEAUTIFUL, seriously. I'm jealous. It's exactly the type of place I want to get in about 12 months time (actually, one of his 2 housemates might be gone then so I might get to live there, but I'm getting ahead of myself :P) and he really deserves it. He's so chuffed. That night mum, dad and I took him out to Double Locks for dinner and drinks to 'celebrate' as we didnt know when we'd get a chance to over the next few days, and it was really nice to spend some time with him. We helped him some more on Sunday afternoon, giving the kitchen and bathroom tiles a once over, that sort of thing. They've yet to have new worktops and curtain rails put in but they knew that when they got the place and the landlordn assures them it'll be done soon. It's just been redecorated so its got that lovely new paint smell and is sparkling, with new carpets and everything. Its not a brand new property, so of course theres bound to be a few things that need TLC, eg some of the windows are a bit stiff and a few of the tiles in the kitchen nearly fell off in my hand when I was cleaning them (not my fault!) but thats the kind of thing the landlord is finishing up now. It's like the Tardis though! Some of the rooms are slightly bizarre shapes, such as the utility room next to the living room, which hides a toilet under the stairs which is a very roomy room! Also there's lots of strange cubby holes, but the two of them that have already got their stuff in (my brother and friend) have got so much stuff that combined with the third boys stuff, who's coming down from Dorset soon, they'll have no problem finding something to fill them with!

Today wasn't bad either. My parents and I went to Dawlish to this lovely cafe that does a lovely HUGE fried breakfast :D and I failed yet again to win a sat nav on the arcade game. I WILL beat it one of these days I tell you! While we were eating mum mentioned that we hadnt really spoken about Friday, she knew she had questions and did my dad? He said he didnt have any he wanted to ask in public :P so we'd probably talk about it later if necessary. We visited my nan on the way home, and she seems a bit better but her ulcerated leg has got a lot worse again which is affecting her mobility rehab. Just having to see how things go with her too.
Over dinner dad simply said that regarding what mum said at brunch, yes they had questions, but it wasnt deathly urgent. He said that his main questions were a) how long have I felt this way (I have noticed neither of them have said 'known' yet, but thats okay) and b) have I ever had a relationship or anything. I told him that the short answers were a) a while and b) no not really. ( I wasnt going to turn round at that point and say, "Well, unless you count my semi stalker from work who said she was in love with me and that she was going to leave her boyfriend whose baby she may or may not be pregnant with for me, and would I raise the child with her if she was" :s thats a story for another day if anyone wants to hear it!) To which he said, and this is quite sweet really, that the only reason he asked is because if my brother or sister ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend he'd want them to feel able to talk about it and 'bring them home' etc, and he wants me to know its the same for me :) Mum said that she (obviously) has a few more questions. I explained to her that while of course they're having to get used to knowing, I'm also going to have to get used to them knowing too. I told her that all the late night chats we've had over the past 12months have been gradual, and this would be the same. I've gone for so long without them knowing, it is going to be really odd now.
Mum has said a couple of funny things about this, my personal favourites being; "The way you told us was quite funny, now I think about it, 'I dont like men'...theres some men I dont like but I guess its a bit different isnt it?" and the utterly randomly said while we were putting my brothers DVD's on his shelves, "I'm suprised you didnt tell us while we were watching Skins to be honest..." Cos thats how down with the kids my mum is, she watches Skins with me :) Not anymore thats for sure! :P

And now I'm in bed.
The last few days have been, as seems to be par for the course with me, strange. Over the next few weeks, I have to go and give another statement to the police confirming my sexuality, and another one saying how everything has been since. As well as that, I have driving lessons, as my driving test is now in...FUCK! Just 18 days!?!?! Which does tell you when it is, meaning I go back on what I said last post...ah well, just dont talk to me about it :P

And then the trial.

So, another fun filled month to come, no doubt. But hey, things can only get better, right?

Hx

Woot woot!

2009-08-28T17:22:00.002+01:00

Ok so as you may know if you've been following me on twitter, and as my blog readers will know it was happening today, today was indeed the day!
And I did it! I came out to my mum and dad :)
I was shaking like a leaf but I did it. Mum has just said that they way I was building up to it she was expecting something worse! But there you go :)
I'll blog the details later on as I'm off out now to Wagamama's with my mum, my best friend and her mum. Dad is helping my brother move the bigger bits of furniture into his new house eg beds etc, and then they're going to go for a pint. Decided to leave telling him for the minute, though of course he'll need to know before the trial too.
So yes, they didn't chuck me out and though there were tears, it wasnt because they were calling me names or anything :) which is always good.
I know certain people (not naming names Josi :P) want details of what happened, and you'll get them, if not tonight as I'm staying at my best friends house to give me a night off and mum and dad time to talk, then tomorrow.

But what I absolutely MUST do now, is to say a big thank you to everyone for their support. I wont name names at this point, but expect the next post to include a few personal thanks/tribute-y things. I honestly dont know where I'd be if it wasnt for you lot, so thank you, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU.

:)
Hx

Looming.

2009-08-27T16:08:00.006+01:00

Some of the scariest days of my life are looming.

Firstly, tomorrow.
My friend has said I can stay at hers tomorrow night if I want, and I may take her up on that offer. I know things are going to be really strange at home and although I know I'm going to have to be at home sometime it might just be a good thing to give mum and dad some time and space, especially seeing as they'll more than likely be helping my brother move house almost straight after I tell them so wont have time to talk then. Plus it gives me a bit of a chance to chill and just talk to my friend.

Secondly, my driving test.
I'm not going to say when it is until the day before, as I dont want to put even more pressure on myself. Suffice to say its 5 days before the first date at court, so yay for perfect timing. Admittedly, its better than it could have been, as the first date WAS the first day at court but luckily we were able to change it. Having just come back from a driving lesson I can honestly say that I'm genuinely worried I wont be ready in time. I'd hoped I would be ready, considering how many lessons I've had by now, but I dont feel like I am. My driving instructor is still pretty confident I will be though, so I guess I'll just have to trust him on that. And cross my fingers rather hard.

Finally, the trial.
I'm not going to say too much about it at this moment in time, all I can say is that I'm not exactly looking forwards to it.

Stress is getting to me a bit at the moment, and I just know that this next month is going to be really difficult to say the least. 2009 has been a horrible, horrible year, and I cant wait for it to be over. I think this year I'll just stay in and watch Hootenany.

Friday - G Day?

2009-08-26T00:20:00.001+01:00

A date has been set for my grand coming out to my parents. Oh deep joy. My SOLO needs to take another statement from me as I myself didn't actually mention my sexuality in my statement, so she's coming round on Friday. That's when they'll know.
I'm shitting myself. I've kept it secret this long. I'm angry that all that happened means I have to tell them. I'm scared.
I also have to decide what to do about my brother. My SOLO is coming round at 1pm and officially finishes work at 4pm. My parents will come home at lunch time. My brother is moving house that evening and Saturday morning so he also has Friday afternoon off. He asked if he wanted me there. None of them know why she's coming round though. I have to decide whether to tell him at the same time as mum and dad, seeing as they'll have to help him move house straight after receiving this bomb shell.
No clue what to do.
No clue how to actually physically tell them.

I think tomorrow I'll take my auntie up on that offer of a phone call.

Half out.

2009-08-23T12:36:00.001+01:00

So last night I came out to my auntie.

I woke up yesterday feeling a bit nervous, knowing that I'd be spending the day with my auntie and uncle which meant telling her soon. We had a lovely day, and I didn't think about telling her yet. I figured it'd be easier after a couple of drinks in the evening and I was going to find it harder to get her on her own while we were out and about in Camden. So I tried to forget about it for a while. Then we went out for a meal when grandad joined us, and then all went back to his for drinks and games. It was girls v boys for 'Who's in the bag?' and I'm pleased to say we thrashed them :) then we played some cards and I lost a fair few chips :( Now I'd been hoping that my auntie and uncle were going to stay a bit later, but at about midnight they called to see when a taxi would be available. Just my luck, somehow in London on a Saturday night they could get one to her in 5-10 minutes. I was almost all out of time. I went to the bathroom and tried to gear myself up for what I had to do. I went and stood by the door and tried to motion my auntie to come outside. A bit of confusion ensued when mum thought I wanted to talk to her so my plan of doing it subtly so mum wouldn't really know I was talking to her sister was dead. Eventually I did manage to get my auntie outside. She figured I just wanted a lighter but I told her that yes that was true but also I needed to talk to her. I babbled for a bit about how I was shitting myself about doing this and how I'd been nervous about it from when I woke up and how now she'd booked a taxi it was now or never. She told me 'just spit it out' :) so I said, "Its about what happened at new years" (my mum told her recently, so I know she knows) "the reason it was even harder is because, well, I...don't...like........men".
Basically I won't go into specifics because I'd had a few drinks so can't remember exactly which way round the conversation happened from then on in, but along the way I just said how scared I was about telling mum and dad but that I HAD to tell them because I was told that it WOULD come up in court. (On another note, if it turns out it doesn't come up in court, 'peeved' would not cover it.) Anyway, I won't say that anything she said has dissolved all worry in my mind, because she'd have to be a magician to do that, but it did help. I said that I wanted to tell her because she's the more liberal of the sisters and having been related to mum for longer than I have, obviously, she might be able to help me sound mum out, as it were. Now, I duly discovered that my auntie is beyond the level of cool than I suspected. Turns out she's had daliances with the fairer sex herself, though I'm not to tell mum that lol, and that she'd be more bothered about having a Conservative in the family :)
At one point I said I didn't want her to hate me, and she just told me not to be stupid, so I guess that's that question answered. We also spoke about my sister, and it turns out I'm not the only one who has suspicions about my sisters sexuality. But that's for another day.
Then my uncle called out and said the taxi had arrived, so we had to cut it short. We had a big hug and she told me to text her or call her in the week. Mum looked a bit confused as we all said goodbye, but I just told her I was just having a chat. Then I had another drink and the four of us that were left gambled a bit more.
I was also a bit nervous of seeing my auntie in the morning when they came round to pick up their car, but I needn't have been. They weren't there for long, staying long enough to wish us a safe journey home. We all said goodbye and my auntie gave me another hug and said in my ear, just loud enough for me to hear, though mum looked confused again, to call her in the week. I think I will.

So now I'm sat in an ~~oven~~ car on the motorway, melting, going home. Back to the bunnies :)
I may nap. I may not. I will definately sneeze....ouch, just did. That one bloody hurt!

Next up: all out - the parents!!'n

FUCK.

Shut down.

2009-08-22T00:37:00.001+01:00

Just a quick post tonight, will do a more extensive one of my London holiday when I can. Just a quick thing to say that I've had a lovely week so far. The shows have been beyond excellent; I've cried, laughed, sung along and loved every minute. The only draw back was getting my AS Level results. Not going to go into it too much now but suffice to say it sent me into a bit of a shut down.
Actually, there is one other cloud hanging over this break away though, and that is the fact that once we're back, I've got to ring me SOLO to arrange her coming round to help me come out to mum and dad. Not been thinking about it too much over the last few days, but I'm seeing my auntie and uncle tomorrow and I kind of promised myself that I'd tell my auntie. I figured that seeing as she's my mums sister she might have some clue as to how she'll react, plus it might help to tell someone.
Anyway, don't want to get myself down now. As I say, having a lovely (if a little too tiring and warm!) time away so far, and will tell you all about it asap :)

Synapse.

2009-08-18T10:50:00.001+01:00

This is where I wish I'm not as tired as I am. Sitting in the car on the way to London via Longleat, and my synapses are firing. Ideas and images and words and conversations being flung around. This is where I wish I hadn't put my laptops in the boot rather than in the back with me. Hundreds of ideas, for books, stories. Just words, phrases, snippets. All like gold dust to me.

Furio. - Dear Liz.

2009-08-18T02:29:00.004+01:00

EDIT: To any twitter friends or anyone who has something to say, I'd rather you posted it here so its all in one place. You can DM me too if you really want, but here would be great.

Ok, so its not entirely often I get angry, but when I do, I get really fucking angry.
Now as most of you will know, especially those of you who have bothered to read any of this blog and/or get to know me at all, this last year has been a bit tough on me, perhaps to say the least. For the most part, bar one or two idiots on twitter who have had a go at me for reasons beyond my control or understanding, I have found most of you twits/twitterers/tweeters/twats/etc to be a charming, lovely and oh so caring bunch. A fair few of you are actually going some way to restore some of my lost faith in humanity. (There's a compliment in there somewhere :P )
But some people aren't so understanding, or nice, or caring. Some people are just plain... twattish.
Now I have explained in the past my reasons for using a 'fake' name on twitter etc, though I feel in light of this I am going to have to do it YET AGAIN.

So, the reason for my fury.
There's a very nice lad on twitter, his name is @Abcmsaj/Alex Dixon, and as I say, he is a very nice young man, if a bit cheeky :P He's very clever when it comes to all things technology, and nice to talk to. I believe he has a lady friend, commonly known as a girlfriend, though I could be wrong. Now, besides the obvious fact, eg. you know, my being gay, there is nothing going on between us. For starters I dont really talk to him that much/enough to constitute anything going on.
However, someone somewhere seems to have other ideas, and is perhaps more than a little jealous of our non-existent relationship.

Now last night, this amiable young fellow alerted me to the fact that this particular person seems to have got the wrong idea, and gone a bit... over the top, shall we say. He pointed me in the direction of her blog, which highlights what seem to be her manufactured issues and, to my mind, slanderous comments. In her post, she says she cannot name names for legal reasons. I have no such qualms. I am here only presenting my 'side of the story' which she seems to have got so magnificently wrong. Also, if I'm going to 'bitch' about someone I'm damn well not going to pussy foot around the issue, and I'll certainly be making her aware of this.

Quite honestly I think all you need to do is read the offending blog post to figure out why I'm quite so peeved (and thats putting it lightly.) so heres the link.

So lets study some evidence, I like going all CSI ;)

Firstly, I dont think it takes a genius to work out that I am the Finch and Mr Dixon is the Birdwatcher, due to a) calling me the Finch, and b) the subtitle - 'Little Feathered Finches'; ironic no, seeing as my name here is FINCH and my blog is called LITTLE FEATHERS? At least try and be subtle my dear. Now feel free to call me paranoid on this front, but if that is the case then be fully prepared for me to tell you to stop talking out of your arse and read it again :)

Now, lets talk through it shall we? Should be fun.

1) Yes I have a 'double identity'. Pure and simple. My reasoning behind this? Well if you must be told again... actually lets put it hypothetically, ask you some questions and see if you cant get your head around it. Sod that, I'm angry about this particular part. Not that I'm under any obligation to explain myself to you little girl, but I'm the type of person who will not stand for being shat on, and thats what I consider this to be. So just imagine you were sexually assaulted 3 hours into the first day of 2009, and had something taken from you, something you can never get back, something that should have been yours and yours alone to give you who you chose, to someone you love and loves you. Say your friends all but deserted you because they were 'fed up' of your clinical depression, pissed off that you were 'no fun' to be around because the attention wasn't all on them, because it hadn't happened to them. Say your 'best' friends had been making homophobic comments to and about you ever since you'd finally worked up the guts to come out them, and ever since the attack they all but increased the intensity. Say your friends probably didn't believe you, that they'd called you a 'crap lesbian' before when a stranger tried to kiss you and didn't believe you when you told them you told him where to stick it, so a part of you cant help but think they just think you're making it up. Say you hadn't had a proper nights sleep in 6 months, always still awake at gone 1AM and not wanting to wake up in the morning. Say all your choices regarding how you live your life from now on were taken away from you, your choice as to when you come out to your parents was wrenched from you, because its the strongest piece of evidence in court. Say you ended up dropping out of college (your high school I think) because everything you'd ever been good at just suddenly vanished. Lets just say you wake up (eventually) on some mornings and want to die, dont think you're strong enough to carry on anymore, strong enough to face the world, strong enough to make the decisions as to whether or not you should bother to fight for those friendships you'd just lost but were all you'd had for the past 16 years. Lets pretend you didn't really like yourself anymore. You hate your own body, and mind, and soul, and you feel like you're letting everyone down. How about if you had so little regard for yourself, were made to believe by shit friends and strangers that you're not worth anything, would you want a little escape? A little place somewhere, where those people weren't, where you could be who you truly feel like you could be, make new friends, new bonds, new strides in your life, wouldn't you do the same? Wouldn't you want to separate it from your other life, at least a little, if you know that those 'friends' would mock your 'internet life' and call you a saddo, weirdo, and like you even less? Wouldn't you want to be someone else? Someone you actually might be able to like, to be proud to be?
Can you maybe comprehend that?
This Finch does have emotion little girl, perhaps too much. This Finch hurts every day, wants to bleed everyday but doesn't want to let her parents down any more. This Finch wants to fly, but is too fucking heavy everywhere. This Finch has a fucking burning, bleeding hole where her choices, plans, and life were. This Finch's heart is fucking heavy, painful, full. This Finch doesn't know for sure where the name she chose came from. Perhaps subconsciously it was for those reasons. For wanting to fly, wanting to soar above all the nay sayers and shit-stirrers and life breakers. Swoop down on those people who ruined my life, made me feel shit every waking day, and open my bowels on their huge, brainless heads. Maybe it was because, as a Finch, I am small yet I am mighty. Who knows. I'd like to think it was all of those reasons, and more.
Is that clear enough to you?
Because until you've been through what I've been through in my 17 years, you can shut the fuck up. If you have, then I am truly sorry. Sorry for your hurt, sorry for your pain, and sorry for the cynical, jealous, and unnecessarily nasty person it has made you. I would never wish my life on anyone. But I am still. fucking. here. Still fighting. Just. By the skin of my teeth I am fighting. (Or should that be with the tips of my wings, or the strength of my beak?) As this demonstrates. I will not stand for being shat on. Being belittled, slandered, 'bitched' about anymore. 17 years of bullying, attacks, assaults, being worn down, can do that to a girl. Which answers one of your other musings. Yes I'm a girl.

Lets see... what else you wondered about, I'll try and clear things up for you.

2) Thank you for calling me special.
3) (answered in 1) I am a girl.
4) My 'feathers', or hair, as I took it to infer, is brown. With a hint of auburn inherited from the grandmother I am (legally, really) named after that I never met. My mothers mother. When the light catches and the auburn shines through, I can see my mother smiling.
5) My eyes are blue. Blue grey to be exact. I've been told in certain lights and at certain angles they might even pass for beautiful. My picture has been very heavily photoshopped to within an inch of its life, to avoid being recognized. I've also been clear about this. I dont like the way I look, I wish I was different, so until I'm confident with my body a bit more, I'll be hiding that way.
6) I wasn't aware I 'psych people out'. I apologize to those I have done this to. I wasn't aware being honest and free with my language could have such a negative impact. Perhaps those of you who find me 'psych out'-y could elaborate for me. I am always open to improving myself in whatever way I can.
7) The Birdwatcher is British, to the best of my knowledge. Perhaps you dont know him very well?
8) He came on very strong? I myself have seen no evidence of this, unless perhaps you communicate via text, private email or some other unseen means. He himself seemed more than a little bewildered by this claim too. From what I have seen, he's a fairly flirty (but otherwise harmless) kind of guy.
9) He's always seemed honest enough to me.
10) Your bullet points. Perhaps I should make some corresponding bullets.

You said yourself you don't know what I look like, how can he? Have you sent him pictures of yourself? Does he know what you look like? No. If I remember rightly, you and I were the two people on twitter he said he would like to see a picture of, to find out what we look like. So I hardly think that arguement stands up on its own.
I've never really given him anything, apart from tweets, time and conversation. I dont want to ask what you might have given him...
What he does or doesn't do in his own time is none of our business. In fact he seems just as interested in technology as you do. Something you have in common. Do you have something 'better to do'?
Perhaps you could enlighten us with an example? Was talking to you a mistake? Or talking to me? Or talking to us both? Joining twitter?
I tricked no one. I have been nothing but honest from the start.

11) I would liken myself more to the Medium Ground Finch, if a comparison must be made. I'm not the greatest fan of heights despite my desire to fly, so wouldn't suit high tree life too well. I don't like cacti/cactus'. I don't like wood and I'd rather not peck it. I'm no vegetarian. I consider myself able to hold a tune so would rather not be accused of warbling. I suppose the only other one I could be is the Sharp Beaked Finch. I think you can work that one out yourself.

12) Spotlight Finch? Oh please, you're the one putting me there. I'll tell you the species you forgot girl; the human fucking Finch.
13) Legal reasons? It aint even my real name darling, as we've established. Go ahead, 'name and shame' me.
14) The feeling I give off...

Feeling A) Already explained this. HUMAN FINCH. FICTIONAL REALITY.
Feeling B) Once more, you contradict yourself. He knows what I look like no more than you. He can have my DNA if he wants, but I expect he'll be sorely disappointed compared to the picture in his head ;)
Feeling C) Correct. Correct. Fuck off - how many more times can you miss this? To say I'm lying would have to mean that I haven't been straight with people from the start, which I have. I don't currently have a job, I lost both of those in the aftermath of New Years as I wasn't able to cope, thanks for the reminder. I don't think I'm beautiful, far from it, as established. Is that another back-handed compliment?

15) If I could hiss this I would; I am no fucking hoe, lady.

16) More Finch spottings in the future? 'Bring it bitch'. We'll spot each other yeah?

A separate point. If this is all because you feel hard done by by some guy, why take it out on me? Someone you clearly dont know, have never spoken to before? Why? How have I done you wrong?
And to clarify, I am NOT his girlfriend. Apart from a) my well known sexuality that would pose a problem, there is the fact that b) I've never met him, c) Even if I had, it doesn't guarantee anything, d) I am about as far from interested in anything like that as you can get, for obvious reasons. (Not that you're not a lovely chap Alex, just not quite my type, what with the manhood and everything :P)

Alex hasn't asked me to do anything, if anything I should have asked him if it was ok or if he had any objections to his being mentioned here before I even started writing, but I was going on impulse. I'm doing this because you've upset and angered me. He's a big boy, I'm sure he can take care of himself ;)

Yeah you've made me mad, really quite mad. Angry. Fuming. Rage.
I will NOT lie down and be walked all over any more. For me, there's no dignity in silence any more. If there was, he would have got away with what he did to me.
I'm fighting back against you, against everyone else who's got a problem with me. I've tried to make this as intelligent a counter-post as possible. Sure my language is more than a little rough in places, but sometimes no other word works anywhere near as well as 'fuck'. I hope perhaps anyone reading this can empathise or sympathise even slightly with my stance on this. Things are hard. I've got an even bigger fight on my hands when this finally goes to trial at the end of September. Consider this practice.

This bird's got bite, baby.

courtesy of @liz_is_ep1c at ep1cblog.blogspot.com

PS. I like the little logo thing. I might borrow that now and in future. Inadvertent help, feel proud. Full credit and everything.

Frustratum.

2009-08-11T19:23:00.004+01:00

Was originally going to blog about my visit to the zoo yesterday but I think that can wait a while. Because I'm annoyed and completely NOT in the mood.
While I was at the zoo however, I finally managed to get hold of my SOLO, who'd been trying to get hold of me and we kept missing each other. I've arranged for her to come round sometime after I come back from London next Sunday to help me come out to my parents. Agreeing to that felt very real. Decided, partly on the advice from many of you here and on twitter, that its probably the best way forwards to tell them with her present. It will probably be the biggest test of my courage, just even saying the words.
So I'm stressing about that. Just a little.
I'm going to try and relax and enjoy the time in London though. I decided to do it after we come back from London and not before as I wouldn't want any shadows hanging over what is essentially our holiday.
In other news I also finally got a date for the court visit. Basically this will just be a 'grand tour' of the court, so I can see the size, layout, where I'll be, where he'll be etc and get a feel of the place. It'll be then that I'll decide whether or not to keep the special measures in place, or whether I feel I can be strong enough to just stand up there. I'm not sure yet.
And now we have the pc man round trying to sort out our wireless network with mum and dads new pc's and my macbook. And the fucking macbook wont connect. Grrrr.
So that's stressing me out too.
In general yes, I'm more than a bit stressed. And I realise this is just ANOTHER post about me being stressed, but its a big part of my life right now is this bastard stress!
But I did have a very nice day at the zoo yesterday, which I will blog about sometime when I can get my photos sorted, as they're on the macbook.

Getting to me.

2009-08-09T01:22:00.000+01:00

All this stress is kind of getting to me now. Been pushing everything to the back of my mind every day, but sitting just listening to music I've got nothing really to distract my attention.
Stressed about my driving.
Stressed about the court case.
Stressed about the verdict and what I'm scared it'll be, judging by statistics.
Stressed about coming out to my parents.
Stressed about my weight.
Stressed about my friends.
FREAKING OUT basically.
And it's making me worry that I might not be able to stop myself from reverting to old habits of stress relief.

Phone calls.

2009-08-08T02:49:00.000+01:00

I've decided I'm going to ring my SOLO tomorrow and arrange to go see her to talk about coming out to my parents. I'm bricking it. But I think that'll be the first step.
Then I need to keep trying to call my ISVA to arrange the tour/visit of the court and also a time to meet with her. I think I need to come out to her and explain why it's so stressful for me lately. Again, this will be another step.

When I'm not making these phone calls I will be shopping for some new clothes to take to London. I don't have any trousers as they are all now stupidly short and my tshirts are boring. I don't shop often so kind of looking forwards to it and dreading it at the same time.
Very much looking forwards to buying some new shoes though :) of course I am, I'm a woman! Even if the shoes I like aren't the most girly. At all. But I likes my shoes and my current ones are a right state.
Also picking up computers :)